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Northwest Girls Coalition Alternative Aggression Workshop

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90 minute session delivered to the Northwest Girls Coalition in Seattle. Sugar and Spice But Not Always Nice: Gender, Bias, and Aggression in Adolescent Girls. Odd Girls Out. Queen Bees. Girl Bullying. When did we lose our sweet little girls? Examine the cross-section of socio-emotional development, gender bias, and adolescence in the emergence of the “Mean Girl” phenomenon. What can we do as parents, educators, and supporters to promote healthy relationship among girls?

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Northwest Girls Coalition Alternative Aggression Workshop

  1. 1. Northwest Girls Coalition Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Seattle Girls ’ School Sugar and Spice but Not Always Nice: Gender, Bias, and Aggression in Girls Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  2. 2. About Seattle Girls ’ School Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  3. 3. Agenda <ul><li>Gender Differences </li></ul><ul><li>Gender Bias </li></ul><ul><li>Alternative Aggression </li></ul><ul><li>What Can We Do? </li></ul><ul><li>Discussions </li></ul><ul><li>Resources </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  4. 4. Disclaimers and Other Food for Thought Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  5. 5. Gender Differences Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  6. 6. <ul><li>Brash </li></ul><ul><li>Troublemaker </li></ul><ul><li>Strong </li></ul><ul><li>Competitive </li></ul><ul><li>Physical </li></ul><ul><li>Silent </li></ul><ul><li>Clever </li></ul><ul><li>Mistake-Prone </li></ul><ul><li>Belligerent </li></ul><ul><li>Intuitive </li></ul><ul><li>Well-Behaved </li></ul><ul><li>Delicate </li></ul><ul><li>Cooperative </li></ul><ul><li>Emotional </li></ul><ul><li>Verbal </li></ul><ul><li>Pretty </li></ul><ul><li>Perfect </li></ul><ul><li>Nice </li></ul>Gender Bias Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  7. 7. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  8. 8. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  9. 9. Social Development Joanne Deak, Girls Will Be Girls <ul><li>Self Awareness (0-2) </li></ul><ul><li>Parallel Play (2-3) </li></ul><ul><li>Interactive Play (3-6) </li></ul><ul><li>Transitory Friendships (6-8) </li></ul><ul><li>Friendship Clusters (8-10) </li></ul><ul><li>Best Friends or Generalists (10-12) </li></ul><ul><li>Cliques (12-14) </li></ul><ul><li>Interest-Based Friendship Groups (14+) </li></ul><ul><li>(Almost) Universal Acceptance (Seniors) </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  10. 10. Special Considerations Sexy --- Slutty Powerful --- Bitchy Smart --- Bookish Cheerful --- Uncool Confident --- “All That” Athletic --- Jocky Close to Friends --- Lesbian Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  11. 11. Process Break Where is your daughter (or students) in the landscape of gender norms and social development? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  12. 12. At the Crossroads Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  13. 13. Alternative Aggression <ul><li>Relational Aggression </li></ul><ul><li>Indirect Aggression </li></ul><ul><li>Social Aggression </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  14. 14. Relational Aggression includes acts that “harm others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship, or group inclusion.” Relational Aggression Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  15. 15. Indirect Aggression allows the perpetrator to avoid confronting the target directly, making it seem as though there is no intent to harm. Indirect Aggression Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  16. 16. Social Aggression Social Aggression is intended to damage self esteem or social status within a group. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  17. 17. Friends and Frienemies Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  18. 18. Definition of Conflict <ul><li>A clash between two individuals or groups </li></ul><ul><li>A disagreement or argument about something important </li></ul><ul><li>Etc. </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  19. 19. When It ’s Bullying <ul><li>Power is uneven </li></ul><ul><li>Intent to harm </li></ul><ul><li>Repeated and sustained </li></ul><ul><li>Efforts to hide from adults </li></ul><ul><li>Advocacy not changing behaviors </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  20. 20. Outliers of Alternative Aggression Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  21. 21. Process Break How have you seen alternative aggression play out in your daughter or students ’ lives? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  22. 22. It ’s Too Big… Why Even Try? <ul><li>It ’s doesn’t affect everyone… </li></ul><ul><li>How bad could it be… </li></ul><ul><li>It ’s not that big a deal… </li></ul><ul><li>What about their studies… </li></ul><ul><li>It couldn ’t get any worse… </li></ul><ul><li>They ’ll get over it… </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  23. 23. <ul><li>• Bullying 15-15-70 </li></ul><ul><li>• Health and Safety </li></ul><ul><li>• Psychological Pain </li></ul><ul><li>• Academic Risk </li></ul><ul><li>• Explosive Release </li></ul><ul><li>• Long-Term Scars </li></ul>It ’s Too Big… To Ignore Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  24. 24. Alternative Aggression: Where Does it Happen? Students report that alternative aggression happens in the following areas: 55% during recess or break time 52% in the cafeteria 42% in the hallways 37% on the way home 36% in the restrooms 36% in the classroom 29% in gym class 25% in after school sports 17% in after school activities Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  25. 25. Alternative Aggression: Signs That She Might Be Aggressive • Her friends do what she wants to do. • She isn’t intimidated by the other girls. • Her complaints about other girls are limited to the lame things they did or said. • She is charming to adults. • She won ’t (or is very reluctant to) take responsibility when she hurts someone ’ s feelings. • If she thinks she’s been wronged, she feels she has the right to seek revenge. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  26. 26. Alternative Aggression: Signs That She Might Be Victimized • She is more sensitive, unhappy, cautious, anxious, quiet and withdrawn than other youth. • She is generally insecure and non-assertive, and react by withdrawing when targeted by other students (rather than retaliating or asserting). • She exhibits sudden change in behaviors: showing signs of depression, not eating, cutting herself, letting herself go, losing interest in favorite things, quitting teams, etc. • She may be embarrassed to admit that she is being bullied. She may blame herself or feel guilty. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  27. 27. Advice for Girls… WITH YOUR FRIENDS… • Talk openly about fears of losing friends, fears of conflicts • Confess your own stuff. Feel the relief of your own imperfection. • Don ’t gang up or reject friends because they tell the truth. • Comfort and reassure each other. • AGGRESSION IS NATURAL, NORMAL, AND HEALTHY Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  28. 28. Advice for Girls Continued <ul><li>Know when it is bullying </li></ul><ul><li>Stand up for yourself </li></ul><ul><li>Ask them to stop the behavior </li></ul><ul><li>Seek healthy support </li></ul><ul><li>Tell an adult </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  29. 29. Advice for Parents: DON ’T <ul><li>Think “this is my fault.” </li></ul><ul><li>Belittle the problem. </li></ul><ul><li>Over-empathize. </li></ul><ul><li>Tell her what to do. </li></ul><ul><li>Become the Fix-It Parent. </li></ul><ul><li>Blame the bully OR the victim. </li></ul><ul><li>Tell her that being nice and kind will always lead to friends. </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  30. 30. Advice for Parents: DO <ul><li>• Provide opportunity/access to kids outside of school. </li></ul><ul><li>Help her develop strong interaction and social skills. </li></ul><ul><li>• Let her friendship choices be hers, but offer to help. </li></ul><ul><li>Provide sanctuary, sounding board, and support. </li></ul><ul><li>Role-Play difficult conversations with her. </li></ul><ul><li>Give her healthy outlets for her feelings. </li></ul><ul><li>Respect and nurture her true self. </li></ul><ul><li>Try Teeter-Totter Parenting. </li></ul><ul><li>Be a listener, not a fixer. </li></ul><ul><li>Affirm your daughter. </li></ul><ul><li>Share your stories. </li></ul><ul><li>Stay Involved. </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  31. 31. D.E.A.R. Conflict Resolution Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  32. 32. AIMS Conflict Problem Solving Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  33. 33. Empowering the Bystander <ul><li>Many bullying approaches centers around agents and targets. Why not address the 70% who are bystanders? </li></ul><ul><li>Empowering bystanders keeps the focus away from blaming the targets or agents. </li></ul><ul><li>Empowering bystanders gives you a chance at creating a new “cool.” </li></ul><ul><li>Empowered bystanders can cover “backstage spaces.” </li></ul><ul><li>A mass of empowered allies shift the balance of power. </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://sites.google.com/site/sgsprofessionaloutreach/)
  34. 34. Ally Skills <ul><li>Don ’t bully </li></ul><ul><li>Speak up when someone else is being bullied </li></ul><ul><li>Assume positive intentions, but don ’t let that assumption make you silent </li></ul><ul><li>Ask questions to clarify and to educate </li></ul><ul><li>Don ’t make the person who is bullying into someone who is getting targeted </li></ul><ul><li>Actively include those who are easily left out </li></ul><ul><li>If you know someone is getting bullied, tell an adult at school or at home </li></ul><ul><li>Keep the climate healthy </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  35. 35. Advice for Schools <ul><li>The Four Ps </li></ul><ul><li>• Policy - A comprehensive anti-bullying policy that includes alternative aggression. </li></ul><ul><li>• Programming - Training for teachers and staff on alternative aggression and gender bias. Support for teachers and staff in acting to combat bullying and bias. Self-esteem and conflict management programs for students. </li></ul><ul><li>• Practice - Consistent and meaningful follow-through in dealing with acts of bullying. Coverage of unsupervised spaces where bullying occurs most. </li></ul><ul><li>• PEOPLE - Critical mass of people who are supportive AND active on all levels. </li></ul><ul><li>EMPOWER THE BYSTANDERS! </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  36. 36. Undoing Gender Bias Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  37. 37. Questions and Answers Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  38. 38. Presenter Information <ul><li>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee </li></ul><ul><li>6th Faculty and </li></ul><ul><li>Professional Outreach </li></ul><ul><li>Seattle Girls ’ School </li></ul><ul><li>2706 S Jackson Street </li></ul><ul><li>Seattle WA 98144 </li></ul><ul><li>(206) 805-6562 </li></ul><ul><li>[email_address] </li></ul><ul><li>http://tiny.cc/rosettalee </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  39. 39. Resources <ul><li>Joshua M. Aronson, Ph.D., “Improving Achievement & Narrowing the Gap,” Learning and the Brain Conference, Cambridge, MA, November 2003 </li></ul><ul><li>Roy Baumeister, Case Western Reserve University, Various Social Psychology Experiments on the Effects of Social Exclusion </li></ul><ul><li>Beatbullying Toolkit for Teachers, http://www.beatbullying.org/images/teachers.pdf </li></ul><ul><li>“ Cycle of Bullying,” North Central Educational Service District, http://www.ncesd.org/safe_civil/docs/resources/cycle_of_bullying.pdf </li></ul><ul><li>Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network) www.glsen.org </li></ul><ul><li>Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference. </li></ul><ul><li>Tara Kuther, “Understanding Bullying,” PTA.org, http://www.pta.org/pr_magazine_article_details_1117637268750.html </li></ul><ul><li>John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on theory of mind and power. </li></ul><ul><li>Michael Thompson & Kathy Schultz, “The Psychological Experiences of Students of Color,” Independent School Magazine, http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm?Itemnumber=144307&sn.ItemNumber=145956&tn.ItemNumber=145958 </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
  40. 40. Gender Specific Resources <ul><li>JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters, How Girls Thrive </li></ul><ul><li>Pooja Makhijani, Under Her Skin: How Girls Experience Race in America . </li></ul><ul><li>John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on early gender differences in competition and play and “Love Lab.” </li></ul><ul><li>Northwest Girls Coalition, Protective Factors for Middle School Girls - What can Parents Do? </li></ul><ul><li>Mary Pipher, Ph.D., Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls </li></ul><ul><li>Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out, Odd Girl Speaks Out, Curse of the Good Girl </li></ul><ul><li>Harriet R. Tenenbaum, “Gender Achievement Motivation,” Learning and the Brain Conference, Cambridge, MA, November 2003. </li></ul><ul><li>Rosalind Wiseman, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence, Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads </li></ul><ul><li>Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth. </li></ul><ul><li>Naomi Wolf, Promiscuities . </li></ul>Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

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