CBF Fellows Session 2February 27- March 1, 2013
Desired Outcomes Receive LPI 360 feedback about leadership practices Understanding emotional intelligence and its impact on leadership Understand conflict management styles and healthy responses to conflict Learn how to have difficult conversations Explore congregational support systems
Reconnecting/Checking in Welcome and prayer Logistics and reminders Everyone shares one life change since we last met (personal or professional)
Talking Chair Reporting At your table group, share your progress in completing your talking chair assignment, Refer to your Professional Plan Template from Session One
Using LPI Behaviors Makes Leaders Better Meeting job-related demands Representing units to management Creating higher performing teams Fostering loyalty and commitment Increasing motivation and willingness to work Reducing absenteeism, turnover and dropouts Possessing higher degrees of credibility
How to Use the Feedback Look for messages, not measures Accept feedback as a gift Take the process seriously Trust the feedback you receive Value the differences Use your coach Make a plan to improve Continue to seek feedback
Interpreting Your LPI Report Sample LPI Report
LPI Feedback ReflectionsMy Responses to the LPI
Analytical Bible Study1. Each person reads a passage aloud with others paying particular attention to the concept of faithfulness in each passage.2. Individually list the characteristics below. The characteristics can also be images you felt during the readings.3. What is the importance of faithfulness? How are we faithful to God when leading a congregation? How is God faithful to us?
Improving Leadership Through Emotional Intelligence 21
How are you? HighStep 1.Mark howyou feel EnergyX1.Step 2.Indicatewhere youthink yourpartner is LowY1 Unpleasant Pleasant Negative Feeling Positive
It matters how you feel!High Afraid Surprised Angry Happy Annoyed Pleased Energy Sad Content Bored Calm TiredLow Unpleasant Emotion Pleasant
Committed,talented and caringleaders still sometimes fail Why? 24
Emotions and Moral JudgmentMarcus, 2002 Justice and democracy impossible without emotions. Emotions act as moral intuitions – guiding us from right and wrong.
Emotions Scavenger Hunt What emotions do you see? 33
What is emotional intelligence? How do I improve mine? 34
The science of EI … Began in 1990 by Salovey & MayerEmotional intelligence is "the ability to monitorones own and others feelings and emotions, todiscriminate among them, and to use thisinformation to guide ones thinking and action".“Mayer, Salovey, Caruso’s approach sets the gold standard.” - Dr. Catherine Daus & Dr. Neal Ashkanasy 35
Emotional intelligence theory IDENTIFY MANAGE USE UNDERSTAND 36
Emotional Intelligence is: A hard skill A form of intelligenceWhere You think about emotions, and Emotions help you think 37
Emotional Intelligence relates to: Greater empathy for others More positive behaviors Less ‘negative’ behaviors Better quality social relationships Enhanced communication Social support Vision, charisma, teamwork … 38
Emotions have meaning and importance1. Occurs due to a change in the environment2. Occurs automatically and quickly3. Changes attention and thought4. Certain physical feelings5. Motivates behaviorServes an adaptive function 39
Emotions drive relationships The primary function of emotion is to mobilize the organism to deal quickly with important interpersonal events. Events include: threats, attacks, alarms, courtships, social contact, isolation, greetings, appeasement, dominance, submission, and play. Robert Plutchik, psychologist 40
Emotions are universal … Darwin The expression of the emotions in man and animals (1872) 41
But, there are individual and groupdifferences Emotional sensitivity: - Ability to pick up emotional signals - Varies from person to person Specific causes of emotions: - Can vary from person to person and across groups 42
Emotional DifferencesWhen we express these emotions: - Differs from culture to culture - These are called display rules 43
Mayer and Salovey’sAbility-based model ofEmotional Intelligence45
What emotions are How are these you, and others, emotions experiencing? directing and IDENTIFY impacting thinking? MANAGE USEHow do you manage UNDERSTAND What caused theseyour emotions and emotions? Howother’s emotions? might these emotions change?
EI Skill Building Points1. Recognize emotions exist and begin to pay closer attention to emotion cues.2. Emotions contain data.3. Emotions can be managed.4. Emotions can be used to influence yourself and others (intra and interpersonal).5. Emotion and rational data leveraged produce optimum decision making.
Emotional Charades Volunteers will pick an emotion word, think about the physical behaviors that accompany this emotion and portray it as best they can. Add appropriate facial expressions, sounds, gestures to indicate emotion. The rest of us will guess the emotion.
Why is this important? Emotional information hits us QUICKER than words. If you want to be more effective in communication in real time – notice what you are emoting! Practice. Practice. Practice. Helps to form new neural pathways.
What emotion would help? Asking for money 86
What emotion would help? Analyzing a budget 87
What emotion would help? Brainstormin g solutions 88
What emotion would help? Discussing detailed information 89
Using Emotions “I never came upon any of mydiscoveries through the process of rational thinking.”
“We cant solve problems by usingthe same kind of thinking we usedwhen we created them.”
Use Emotions: The ability to generate, use, and feel emotion“Effective leadership directly involves the use of emotion,often through symbolic management [where] the leaderuses symbols – stories, rituals, myths, fables – to rouseand motivate staff to guide them toward achievement ofa shared vision.”Caruso, Mayer & Salovey 2001
Emotional Inventory – Easy Emotion Choose an emotion that is easy for you to go to. DON’T SHOW YOUR PARTNER THE EMOTION WORD YOU CHOSE. Tell a story of regarding this emotion word without using the word. Your goal is to: Generate these emotions in yourself Generate these emotions in your partner Partner engages in active and reflective emotional listening. Ask a question that reflects the storyteller’s emotions Make an empathic comment Both your substance and your style should match the story
Storytelling Debriefn How deeply did you feel what the storyteller conveyed?n What were the elements of the storytelling that were effective?
Sensory DevelopmentAwaken the sensesthrough multi sourcesensory stimulation. 1. Taste 2. Touch 3. Smell 4. Sight 5. Hearing
Connecting across the full-range of emotions… Think emotional inventory!
Use Negative Emotions ProductivelyNegative emotional states: Provide us with a clear focus Details examined more efficiently Search for errors is enhanced Process arguments more systematically Recall a meeting or situation when a negative mood was helpful
Use Positive Emotions ProductivelyPositive emotional states: Expands our thinking Helps generate new ideas Encourages us to consider possibilities Recall a meeting or a situation when a positive mood was helpful:
Matching emotion to taskHighEnergyLow Unpleasant Pleasant Negative Feeling Positive
Matching Emotion to Task High ENERGY Low Unpleasant FEELING Pleasant
Use emotions to . . .HighENERGY Low Unpleasant FEELING Pleasant
What emotions are you, How are these and others, emotions experiencing? directing and impacting thinking? IDENTIFY MANAGE USEHow do you manage UNDERSTAND What causedyour emotions and these emotions?other’s emotions? How might these emotions change?
Skill Building Understanding Emotions You have to accurately name it and understand where it comes fromClearly articulating feelingsis important to effectivecommunication. Understandingemotional causes as well aspredicting emotional behavior is key.
Sources of emotions:Joy Gain something of valueSadness Lose something of valueAnger An obstacle to achieving a goalDisgust Offends your principles or valuesSurprise Unexpected eventInterest Something newFear A perceived threat
Understanding emotions Emotions are not moods Emotions can be named You are not your feelings (emotions) Emotions are temporary Emotions involve body and mind Emotions are complex and changing Emotions are information! 107
Understanding emotionsEmotions interact with one another and progress in (usually) predictable ways
Understand Activity Small Groups1. Brainstorm several work-related activities.2. Select your top three as a group.3. List emotions you experience most frequently with those activities.4. Explain/list causes for those emotions.5. Choose the emotions that you want to experience that would be the most beneficial for the task at hand.6. Determine some behaviors you can utilize to get you to those new/desired emotional states.
Values We become “emotional” about things we value. Knowing what you value and your clients value helps to understand the causes and predictions of emotions better. Do the values need to be realigned? Changed? Enhanced? Re-examing values is also a way to help manage emotions.
Understanding Emotions Key Skill Building Points: Arguably an easier skill to build. Increase emotional vocabulary Analyze and forecast what emotion and/or event produces what type of emotional outcome.
What emotions are you, How are these and others, emotions experiencing? directing and impacting thinking? IDENTIFY MANAGE USEHow do you UNDERSTAND What caused thesemanage your emotions? How might theseemotions and emotions change?other’semotions?
Managing Emotion“A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.”
Managing Emotions Emotions contain data, so stay open to feelings Good decisions and actions require emotion. 117
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.” The second boy says, "Thats nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.” The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
DiscussionRater: What emotion was expressed? What emotion was felt?Slide Viewer: How well did you manage your expression? Strategies used to control emotional expression?
Managing Emotions Can we always control our emotions? Do we ‘leak’ emotions? How does it impact others if we hide underlying feeling?
Even if you can suppress, it has a cost: Suppress Information
The cost of suppression Loss of information Inaccurate reads of suppressed emotions Physical and emotional toll on the one who suppresses Loss of ability to empathize and connect with others
Effective emotion management1. Breathe2. Meditate3. Re-examine values4. Stay present5. Do more of what you enjoy6. Select another situation7. Modify the situation8. Modify the emotion9. Reappraise the situation10. Reposition your body11. Visualize something else
Responsive Strategy: Use an Intervening Moment Intervening MomentEVENT STRATEGY REACTION
Intervening Moments Exercise With a partner, pick an event that requires an emotional management intervention to get to the reaction you want to project. What is your strategy?
Welcoming emotions Don’t Do Be used by them Be inspired Be motivated Be highjacked Find out what’s Be undermined happening Be afraid Make intelligent choices about Avoid them emotions Blend emotion and Suppress them thought 149
Strategies that don’t work Mind/mood altering substances Alcohol Big Macs Chocolate Cigars Escapism TV, media 150
Strategies that do work Writing 20 minutes a day without stopping Use more positive than negative emotional words Use causal words (e.g., this caused, led me to, etc.) Use insightful words and phrases (e.g., “understand,” “realize”) 151
Strategies that do work Exercising 3 times per week or more 20 -30 minutes a session Aerobic exercise It does not have to be highly intense to help 152
Speed Advice/Sharing Emotion Management Strategies Think of a situation that stresses you Briefly explain it to your team members One minute per person. Team provides potential emotional management strategies.
Managing Emotions Key Skill Building Points Calibrate yourself to be open to emotional information. Emotions can be managed through awareness, self induced relaxation, determining payoffs and mood induction exercises. Learn what works best for you and others. Use multiple methods to influence others. Navigate towards forecasted and desired outcomes by using emotionally intelligent behavior
Who Needs Gingko? Emotions are a natural memory enhancer“Emotions give a more activated and chemically stimulated brain, which helps us recall things better.”
Wrap Up and ConclusionHow has this personally impacted you?What are some key insights you gained today that willhelp you along your EI journey?What are some areas you would like to pursuefurther?
Discover your conflict management style Read pages 1-3 ONLY Complete inventory on page 35 Score your inventory
The Styles1. Persuading2. Compelling3. Avoiding/Accommodating4. Collaborating5. Negotiating6. Supporting
What style, when?1. Identify a Biblical story that demonstrates your group’s conflict style2. Identify situations in a congregational where this style could be helpful3. Identify situations where this style might not be helpful.
Responding to the Challenge ofCongregational Conflict
Desired Outcomes Understand responses to conflict Examining Biblical models for responding to conflict Developing constructive strategies for responding to conflict
The church we want:“Allthe believers continued together inclose fellowship . . . they had theirmeals together in their homes, eatingwith glad and humble hearts, praisingGod, and enjoying the good will of allthe people.” (Acts 2:44-47)
The church we (often) get:For some people from Chloes family have told mequite plainly, my friends, that there are quarrelsamong you. Let me put it this way: each one of yousays something different. One says, “I follow Paul”;another, “I follow Apollos”; another, “I follow Peter”;and another, “I follow Christ.” Christ has beendivided into groups! (1Cor. 1:11-13)
"There is no dipper thatnever scrapes the kettle" —Chinese proverb
The witness of scripture about conflict (p. 49)Jesus life & ministry produced conflict: With his family With his disciples With the authorities With other religious people With other Jews
The Witness of Scripture (p. 49) The earliest churches had conflict: Acts: Who can belong? Corinth: Immorality and class conflict Galatia: Foolishness, negligence Philippi: Posturing and division The seven churches of Revelation
.Copyright Dik LaPine and Christianity Today International/BuildingChurchLeaders.com. Used with permission
Congregations Reporting Conflict Faith Communities Today 2000 Study80%70%60% Some level,50% any kind40% Serious level,30% any kind20%10%0% Congregational Conflict
Congregational Conflict Has Consequences 70% of pastors regularly consider leaving the ministry 63% had been fired at least twice 78% had been forced to resign at least once
Sources of conflict§ Disagreement about values/beliefs§ Unclear leadership structures§ Pastor’s role and responsibilities§ Disagreement about leadership style§ Changes in worship or music§ Staff conflicts and loyalties§ Narcissistic behavior
The Leadership Continuum Efficiency Leader oriented Group oriented Trust & ownership
The presence or absence of conflict isthe single biggest predictor of church growth or decline —C. Kirk Hadaway Faith Communities Today 2005
If you haven’t fought with each other, you do not know each other — Chinese proverb
The Negative Effects of Conflict} Can cause group members to feel less positive toward the group} Impacts members level of satisfaction} Decreases effectiveness in working together} Hampers future decision making} Lowers overall performance
Positive Benefits of Conflict} Can produce higher quality decisions} Can improve overall performance} Improves overall quality} Energizes relationships} Encourages productivity and innovation} Gives a voice to minority positions} Unearths hitherto undiscovered problems} Improves long-term sustainability
Destructive Conflict: Affective } Emotion-centered } Person-centered } Undermines teamwork } Undermines the ability to make decisions } Undermines commitment to decisions } Seeks a win-lose solution
Constructive Conflict: Substantive } Issue or problem focused } Does not confuse persons with positions } Argues and disagrees without destroying the group’s ability to work together } Seeks to solve problems, not win arguments } Seeks a win-win solution
Responding to congregational conflictStrategies that make a difference
Why you should avoid avoidance} Conflict does not often go away--just underground} It’s more honest and healthier to say, "We dont agree, lets work on solving our disagreement"} The perceived problem may go away . . . only to return again (and again) another day
Different kinds of conflict require different strategies If it is a substantive conflict Focused on issues Identifiable problem to solve Utilize an issue-focused problem solving methodology
Different kinds of conflict require different strategies If it is an interpersonal/emotional conflict (affective) Focused on feelings Interpersonal in nature Utilize a methodology focused on empathy, listening and personal responsibility
Which comes first, thoughts or feelings?} Feeling precedes thinking for most people} Emotions can help or hinder thought processes} Emotions refuse to be ignored in conflict situations} Rational (thinking) problem solving usually happens after dealing with emotions
LEVELS OF CONFLICT 5 Intractable Situation 4 Fight/Flight 3 Contest 2 Disagreement1 A Problem to Solve 0 Depression .
What level?Discuss: Think about a conflict you have experienced in your ministry and identify the level of conflict. What signs have you observed that point to the level you have identified?
Managing conflict The simplest way to manage conflict is to keep differences of opinion at Level One. Levels 2 through 5 have to be moved down Level 0 has to move up
7 Steps in Problem Solving1. Identify the issue: What are we trying to decide?2. What alternatives do we have?3. How might each alternative work?4. Which alternative(s) do we choose?5. What do we need to do to carry out the decision?6. Who will do what? Be specific7. When and how will we evaluate? •
Involvement in community is a predictor for other things Giving Volunteering Service to others Concern for the common good Trust of others
“To predict whether I am likely to give time, money, blood, oreven a minor favor, you need to know, above all, how active Iam in community life and how strong my ties to family, friends, and neighbors are.” -Robert Putnam, Bowling Alone
A Biblical model of reconciliation Matthew 18:15-17 Person Injured Injured person takes initiative Why?Offender may not know Reconciliation No Reconciliation Bring another Reconciliation No Reconciliation Bring to Body
Case Study Exploration Read the case study individually With your table group, identify: 1. The problem(s) that needs to be solved 2. Who is responsible for solving the problem? 3. Possible methods for solving the problem
Difficult Conversations Douglas Stone Bruce Patton Sheila Heen
Three Conversations in One The “What Happened” Conversation The Feelings Conversation The Identity Conversation
What Happened? Not who’s right Exploring stories Don’t assume what Disentangle intent they meant from impact Abandon blame Map the Contribution system
Feelings Matter! Unexpressed feelings Leak or burst into conversation Make it difficult to listen Affect our self-esteem Getting a handle on your feelings Explore your feeling history Find “bundle” of feelings behind simple label Find feelings lurking under judgments Negotiate with your feelings Acknowledgement is key
Identity – What’s At Stake? Three Core Identities Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love? Avoid the All or Nothing Syndrome
Ground Your Identity Become aware of what’s at stake Adopt the And Stance Three Things to Accept You will make mistakes Your intentions are complex You have contributed to the problem Regaining Your Balance Let go of control of their reaction Prepare for their response Get some perspective (3 months, 3 years, 3 decades)
Begin from the Third Story Our story is important, but not the best place to start Think like a mediator Not right or wrong – Just different Stay with the third story Reframe your statements Reframe their statements
Extend the Invitation Describe your purposes Invite, don’t impose Make them your partner Be persistent Key phrases I’d like to talk about I wonder if it would make sense Would you mind discussing
Listening is Key Listening transforms the conversation Listening helps them listen to you Listen from the inside out Forget the words – Authenticity Become aware of your internal voice Negotiate your way into curiosity Inquire, paraphrase, acknowledge
Speak up too You are entitled Failure to express yourself keeps you out of relationships Entitlement doesn’t mean obligation Speak to the heart of the matter Start with what matters most Say what you mean Recognize complexity (Me-Me And)
Telling Your Story Clearly Don’t present your conclusions as THE TRUTH Share from where your conclusions come. Don’t exaggerate (always & never)
Take the Lead in Problem Solving} Reframe, reframe, reframe} Move from “either/or” to “and”} Listen even more} Name the dynamic} It takes two to agree} Test your perceptions ◦ Say what is missing ◦ Say what would persuade you ◦ Ask what (if anything) would persuade them ◦ Ask their advice} Invent options
Checklist1. Prepare by walking through the three conversations What happened Emotions Identity2. Check your purposes and decide whether to raise the issue3. Start from the third story4. Explore their story and yours5. Problem Solving