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Cbf fellows session 2_ february_2013 copy

  1. 1. CBF Fellows Session 2February 27- March 1, 2013
  2. 2. Desired Outcomes—  Receive LPI 360 feedback about leadership practices—  Understanding emotional intelligence and its impact on leadership—  Understand conflict management styles and healthy responses to conflict—  Learn how to have difficult conversations—  Explore congregational support systems
  3. 3. Reconnecting/Checking in—  Welcome and prayer—  Logistics and reminders—  Everyone shares one life change since we last met (personal or professional)
  4. 4. Talking Chair Reporting—  At your table group, share your progress in completing your talking chair assignment, —  Refer to your Professional Plan Template from Session One
  5. 5. Architecture of Leadership !
  6. 6. Leadership Practices Inventory
  7. 7. Desired Outcomes}  Describe the 5 Practices}  Relate the Practices to your leadership}  Identify strengths & challenges}  Identify areas to develop & improve
  8. 8. An Approach to Leadership—  Leadership is a relationship—  Leadership is everyone’s work—  Leadership development is self-development
  9. 9. The FivePractices
  10. 10. Model the Way
  11. 11. Inspire a Shared Vision
  12. 12. Challenge the Process
  13. 13. Enable Others to Act
  14. 14. Encourage the Heart
  15. 15. Using LPI Behaviors Makes Leaders Better—  Meeting job-related demands—  Representing units to management—  Creating higher performing teams—  Fostering loyalty and commitment—  Increasing motivation and willingness to work—  Reducing absenteeism, turnover and dropouts—  Possessing higher degrees of credibility
  16. 16. How to Use the Feedback—  Look for messages, not measures—  Accept feedback as a gift—  Take the process seriously—  Trust the feedback you receive—  Value the differences—  Use your coach—  Make a plan to improve—  Continue to seek feedback
  17. 17. Interpreting Your LPI Report Sample LPI Report
  18. 18. LPI Feedback ReflectionsMy Responses to the LPI
  19. 19. Day 2
  20. 20. Analytical Bible Study1.  Each person reads a passage aloud with others paying particular attention to the concept of faithfulness in each passage.2.  Individually list the characteristics below. The characteristics can also be images you felt during the readings.3.  What is the importance of faithfulness? How are we faithful to God when leading a congregation? How is God faithful to us?
  21. 21. Improving Leadership Through Emotional Intelligence 21
  22. 22. How are you? HighStep 1.Mark howyou feel EnergyX1.Step 2.Indicatewhere youthink yourpartner is LowY1 Unpleasant Pleasant Negative Feeling Positive
  23. 23. It matters how you feel!High Afraid Surprised Angry Happy Annoyed Pleased Energy Sad Content Bored Calm TiredLow Unpleasant Emotion Pleasant
  24. 24. Committed,talented and caringleaders still sometimes fail Why? 24
  25. 25. ? Success 25
  26. 26. Sternberg, 1996 Hunter & Hunter, 1984 10%? 25%?High IQ SuccessOther studies A threshold 4%? competency 26
  27. 27. ? Success? 27
  28. 28. Things we are learning about success2
  29. 29. 29
  30. 30. Yale: Emotional Contagion Seligman: Optimism Harvard: US Navy: Reading Warm, emotions expressive 30
  31. 31. Intelligence + Motivation + Skills + EmotionalIntelligence Success 31
  32. 32. Emotions and Moral JudgmentMarcus, 2002—  Justice and democracy impossible without emotions.—  Emotions act as moral intuitions – guiding us from right and wrong.
  33. 33. Emotions Scavenger Hunt—  What emotions do you see? 33
  34. 34. What is emotional intelligence? How do I improve mine? 34
  35. 35. The science of EI … —  Began in 1990 by Salovey & MayerEmotional intelligence is "the ability to monitorones own and others feelings and emotions, todiscriminate among them, and to use thisinformation to guide ones thinking and action".“Mayer, Salovey, Caruso’s approach sets the gold standard.” - Dr. Catherine Daus & Dr. Neal Ashkanasy 35
  36. 36. Emotional intelligence theory IDENTIFY MANAGE USE UNDERSTAND 36
  37. 37. Emotional Intelligence is:—  A hard skill—  A form of intelligenceWhere—  You think about emotions, and—  Emotions help you think 37
  38. 38. Emotional Intelligence relates to:— Greater empathy for others— More positive behaviors— Less ‘negative’ behaviors— Better quality social relationships— Enhanced communication— Social support— Vision, charisma, teamwork … 38
  39. 39. Emotions have meaning and importance1. Occurs due to a change in the environment2. Occurs automatically and quickly3. Changes attention and thought4. Certain physical feelings5. Motivates behaviorServes an adaptive function 39
  40. 40. Emotions drive relationships—  The primary function of emotion is to mobilize the organism to deal quickly with important interpersonal events.—  Events include: threats, attacks, alarms, courtships, social contact, isolation, greetings, appeasement, dominance, submission, and play. —  Robert Plutchik, psychologist 40
  41. 41. Emotions are universal …—  Darwin The expression of the emotions in man and animals (1872) 41
  42. 42. But, there are individual and groupdifferences Emotional sensitivity: - Ability to pick up emotional signals - Varies from person to person Specific causes of emotions: - Can vary from person to person and across groups 42
  43. 43. Emotional DifferencesWhen we express these emotions: - Differs from culture to culture - These are called display rules 43
  44. 44. Emotional display rules exampleEmotions expressed at work: 53% 19% Anger Happiness 44
  45. 45. Mayer and Salovey’sAbility-based model ofEmotional Intelligence45
  46. 46. What emotions are How are these you, and others, emotions experiencing? directing and IDENTIFY impacting thinking? MANAGE USEHow do you manage UNDERSTAND What caused theseyour emotions and emotions? Howother’s emotions? might these emotions change?
  47. 47. EI Skill Building Points1.  Recognize emotions exist and begin to pay closer attention to emotion cues.2.  Emotions contain data.3.  Emotions can be managed.4.  Emotions can be used to influence yourself and others (intra and interpersonal).5.  Emotion and rational data leveraged produce optimum decision making.
  48. 48. IDENTIFYMANAGE USE UNDERSTAND
  49. 49. How to identify emotions:Notice subtle differences Disgust or Anger?
  50. 50. How to identifyemotions:Real – or – Fake?
  51. 51. Real – or – Fake?
  52. 52. Real or Fake?Real expressions ofhappiness and joy arenoted in the smile(upturned mouth) but mustbe accompanied by‘smiling eyes’ or crow’sfeet.
  53. 53. Real – or – Fake?
  54. 54. Real – or – Fake?
  55. 55. Universal Emotions QuizView each picture and write down the emotion you see. 57
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  70. 70. Ekman’s universal emotional expressions—  Surprise—  Joy—  Rage—  Disgust—  Fear—  Sorrow—  (Contempt) 72
  71. 71. We also identifyemotions nonverbally The story we tell with our bodies
  72. 72. With a partner, interpret the following pictures; be prepared to tell the story
  73. 73. 75
  74. 74. 76
  75. 75. 77
  76. 76. We interpret emotions through vocal cues—  Pitch—  Loudness—  Voice quality—  Precision of articulation—  Velocity—  Amount of pauses 78
  77. 77. Emotional charades 79
  78. 78. Emotional Charades—  Volunteers will pick an emotion word, think about the physical behaviors that accompany this emotion and portray it as best they can.—  Add appropriate facial expressions, sounds, gestures to indicate emotion.—  The rest of us will guess the emotion.
  79. 79. Why is this important?—  Emotional information hits us QUICKER than words. If you want to be more effective in communication in real time – notice what you are emoting!—  Practice.—  Practice.— Practice.— Helps to form new neural pathways.
  80. 80. IDENTIFYMANAGE USE UNDERSTAND
  81. 81. Using emotions—  Feelings affect thinking and vice-versa—  Emotions can help or hinder—  The emotional state may be the most important factor 83
  82. 82. Emotion—task matching
  83. 83. What emotion would help?— Proofreading 85
  84. 84. What emotion would help?— Asking for money 86
  85. 85. What emotion would help?— Analyzing a budget 87
  86. 86. What emotion would help?— Brainstormin g solutions 88
  87. 87. What emotion would help?— Discussing detailed information 89
  88. 88. Using Emotions “I never came upon any of mydiscoveries through the process of rational thinking.”
  89. 89. “We cant solve problems by usingthe same kind of thinking we usedwhen we created them.”
  90. 90. Use Emotions: The ability to generate, use, and feel emotion“Effective leadership directly involves the use of emotion,often through symbolic management [where] the leaderuses symbols – stories, rituals, myths, fables – to rouseand motivate staff to guide them toward achievement ofa shared vision.”Caruso, Mayer & Salovey 2001
  91. 91. Emotional inventory exercise 93
  92. 92. Emotional Inventory – Easy—  Emotion Choose an emotion that is easy for you to go to.—  DON’T SHOW YOUR PARTNER THE EMOTION WORD YOU CHOSE.—  Tell a story of regarding this emotion word without using the word.—  Your goal is to: —  Generate these emotions in yourself —  Generate these emotions in your partner—  Partner engages in active and reflective emotional listening. —  Ask a question that reflects the storyteller’s emotions —  Make an empathic comment —  Both your substance and your style should match the story
  93. 93. Storytelling Debriefn How deeply did you feel what the storyteller conveyed?n What were the elements of the storytelling that were effective?
  94. 94. Sensory DevelopmentAwaken the sensesthrough multi sourcesensory stimulation. 1. Taste 2. Touch 3. Smell 4. Sight 5. Hearing
  95. 95. Connecting across the full-range of emotions… Think emotional inventory!
  96. 96. Use Negative Emotions ProductivelyNegative emotional states: —  Provide us with a clear focus —  Details examined more efficiently —  Search for errors is enhanced —  Process arguments more systematically—  Recall a meeting or situation when a negative mood was helpful
  97. 97. Use Positive Emotions ProductivelyPositive emotional states: — Expands our thinking — Helps generate new ideas — Encourages us to consider possibilities— Recall a meeting or a situation when a positive mood was helpful:
  98. 98. Matching emotion to taskHighEnergyLow Unpleasant Pleasant Negative Feeling Positive
  99. 99. Matching Emotion to Task High ENERGY Low Unpleasant FEELING Pleasant
  100. 100. Use emotions to . . .HighENERGY Low Unpleasant FEELING Pleasant
  101. 101. IDENTIFYMANAGE USE UNDERSTAND
  102. 102. What emotions are you, How are these and others, emotions experiencing? directing and impacting thinking? IDENTIFY MANAGE USEHow do you manage UNDERSTAND What causedyour emotions and these emotions?other’s emotions? How might these emotions change?
  103. 103. Skill Building Understanding Emotions—  You have to accurately name it and understand where it comes fromClearly articulating feelingsis important to effectivecommunication. Understandingemotional causes as well aspredicting emotional behavior is key.
  104. 104. Sources of emotions:Joy Gain something of valueSadness Lose something of valueAnger An obstacle to achieving a goalDisgust Offends your principles or valuesSurprise Unexpected eventInterest Something newFear A perceived threat
  105. 105. Understanding emotions—  Emotions are not moods—  Emotions can be named—  You are not your feelings (emotions)—  Emotions are temporary—  Emotions involve body and mind—  Emotions are complex and changing—  Emotions are information! 107
  106. 106. Understanding emotionsEmotions interact with one another and progress in (usually) predictable ways
  107. 107. What’s the right sequence? 1.  Irritable—  Mad 2.  Annoyed—  Irritable 3.  Frustrated—  Furious 4.  Upset—  Annoyed 5.  Mad—  Upset 6.  Angry—  Enraged 7.  Furious—  Angry 8.  Enraged—  Frustrated 109
  108. 108. What’s the right sequence?—  Happy 1.  Calm—  Pleased 2.  Content—  Joyous 3.  Pleased—  Amused 4.  Amused—  Calm 5.  Positive—  Positive 6.  Happy—  Content 7.  Joyous 110
  109. 109. Understand Activity Small Groups1.  Brainstorm several work-related activities.2.  Select your top three as a group.3.  List emotions you experience most frequently with those activities.4.  Explain/list causes for those emotions.5.  Choose the emotions that you want to experience that would be the most beneficial for the task at hand.6.  Determine some behaviors you can utilize to get you to those new/desired emotional states.
  110. 110. Values—  We become “emotional” about things we value.—  Knowing what you value and your clients value helps to understand the causes and predictions of emotions better.—  Do the values need to be realigned? Changed? Enhanced?—  Re-examing values is also a way to help manage emotions.
  111. 111. Understanding Emotions Key Skill Building Points:—  Arguably an easier skill to build.—  Increase emotional vocabulary—  Analyze and forecast what emotion and/or event produces what type of emotional outcome.
  112. 112. IDENTIFYMANAGE USE UNDERSTAND
  113. 113. What emotions are you, How are these and others, emotions experiencing? directing and impacting thinking? IDENTIFY MANAGE USEHow do you UNDERSTAND What caused thesemanage your emotions? How might theseemotions and emotions change?other’semotions?
  114. 114. Managing Emotion“A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.”
  115. 115. Managing Emotions—  Emotions contain data, so stay open to feelings—  Good decisions and actions require emotion. 117
  116. 116. Managing emotional displays MANAGE
  117. 117. InstructionsPAIR UPSlide Viewer: you will watch a slide showRater: face Slide Viewer. Do not watchslide show. Guess the emotions they feeland express.
  118. 118. Rater: Turn away!
  119. 119. Slide Viewer Instructions You will view a set of slides of sad images. However, your task is to suppress your real feelings and show a Neutral to Calm expression. BEGIN NOW
  120. 120. DiscussionRater:—  What emotion was expressed?—  What emotion was felt?Slide Viewer:—  How well did you manage your expression?—  Strategies used to control emotional expression?
  121. 121. Switch roles
  122. 122. Slide Viewer InstructionsAs you watch these funnyslides your task is to showa SAD expression. BEGIN NOW
  123. 123. I went to the bank theother day and I askedthe banker to checkmy balance ..…
  124. 124. So he pushed me
  125. 125. “You’re fired,Jack.The lab results just came back,and you tested positive for Coke.”
  126. 126. Q: Whats the most importantthing to learn in chemistry?A: Never lick the spoon.
  127. 127. Revenge of the mouse
  128. 128. —  Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”—  The second boy says, "Thats nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”—  The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
  129. 129. Moses’ first and last day as a lifeguard.
  130. 130. DiscussionRater:—  What emotion was expressed?—  What emotion was felt?Slide Viewer:—  How well did you manage your expression?—  Strategies used to control emotional expression?
  131. 131. Managing Emotions— Can we always control our emotions?— Do we ‘leak’ emotions?— How does it impact others if we hide underlying feeling?
  132. 132. Even if you can suppress, it has a cost: Suppress Information
  133. 133. The cost of suppression—  Loss of information—  Inaccurate reads of suppressed emotions—  Physical and emotional toll on the one who suppresses—  Loss of ability to empathize and connect with others
  134. 134. Effective emotion management1.  Breathe2.  Meditate3.  Re-examine values4.  Stay present5.  Do more of what you enjoy6.  Select another situation7.  Modify the situation8.  Modify the emotion9.  Reappraise the situation10.  Reposition your body11.  Visualize something else
  135. 135. Responsive Strategy: Use an Intervening Moment Intervening MomentEVENT STRATEGY REACTION
  136. 136. Intervening Moments Exercise—  With a partner, pick an event that requires an emotional management intervention to get to the reaction you want to project.—  What is your strategy?
  137. 137. Welcoming emotions Don’t Do—  Be used by them —  Be inspired —  Be motivated—  Be highjacked —  Find out what’s—  Be undermined happening—  Be afraid —  Make intelligent choices about—  Avoid them emotions —  Blend emotion and—  Suppress them thought 149
  138. 138. Strategies that don’t work—  Mind/mood altering substances —  Alcohol —  Big Macs —  Chocolate —  Cigars—  Escapism —  TV, media 150
  139. 139. Strategies that do work—  Writing —  20 minutes a day without stopping —  Use more positive than negative emotional words —  Use causal words (e.g., this caused, led me to, etc.) —  Use insightful words and phrases (e.g., “understand,” “realize”) 151
  140. 140. Strategies that do work—  Exercising —  3 times per week or more —  20 -30 minutes a session —  Aerobic exercise —  It does not have to be highly intense to help 152
  141. 141. Speed Advice/Sharing Emotion Management Strategies—  Think of a situation that stresses you—  Briefly explain it to your team members—  One minute per person.—  Team provides potential emotional management strategies.
  142. 142. Managing Emotions Key Skill Building Points—  Calibrate yourself to be open to emotional information.—  Emotions can be managed through awareness, self induced relaxation, determining payoffs and mood induction exercises.—  Learn what works best for you and others.—  Use multiple methods to influence others.—  Navigate towards forecasted and desired outcomes by using emotionally intelligent behavior
  143. 143. Who Needs Gingko? Emotions are a natural memory enhancer“Emotions give a more activated and chemically stimulated brain, which helps us recall things better.”
  144. 144. Wrap Up and ConclusionHow has this personally impacted you?What are some key insights you gained today that willhelp you along your EI journey?What are some areas you would like to pursuefurther?
  145. 145. 157
  146. 146. Discovering YourConflict Management Style
  147. 147. Discover your conflict management style—  Read pages 1-3 ONLY—  Complete inventory on page 35—  Score your inventory
  148. 148. The Styles1.  Persuading2.  Compelling3.  Avoiding/Accommodating4.  Collaborating5.  Negotiating6.  Supporting
  149. 149. What style, when?1.  Identify a Biblical story that demonstrates your group’s conflict style2.  Identify situations in a congregational where this style could be helpful3.  Identify situations where this style might not be helpful.
  150. 150. Responding to the Challenge ofCongregational Conflict
  151. 151. Desired Outcomes—  Understand responses to conflict—  Examining Biblical models for responding to conflict—  Developing constructive strategies for responding to conflict
  152. 152. Congregational conflict: A reality check
  153. 153. The church we want:“Allthe believers continued together inclose fellowship . . . they had theirmeals together in their homes, eatingwith glad and humble hearts, praisingGod, and enjoying the good will of allthe people.” (Acts 2:44-47)
  154. 154. The church we (often) get:For some people from Chloes family have told mequite plainly, my friends, that there are quarrelsamong you. Let me put it this way: each one of yousays something different. One says, “I follow Paul”;another, “I follow Apollos”; another, “I follow Peter”;and another, “I follow Christ.” Christ has beendivided into groups! (1Cor. 1:11-13)
  155. 155. "There is no dipper thatnever scrapes the kettle" —Chinese proverb
  156. 156. The witness of scripture about conflict (p. 49)Jesus life & ministry produced conflict:—  With his family—  With his disciples—  With the authorities—  With other religious people—  With other Jews
  157. 157. The Witness of Scripture (p. 49)— The earliest churches had conflict:— Acts: Who can belong?— Corinth: Immorality and class conflict— Galatia: Foolishness, negligence— Philippi: Posturing and division— The seven churches of Revelation
  158. 158. .Copyright Dik LaPine and Christianity Today International/BuildingChurchLeaders.com. Used with permission
  159. 159. Congregations Reporting Conflict Faith Communities Today 2000 Study80%70%60% Some level,50% any kind40% Serious level,30% any kind20%10%0% Congregational Conflict
  160. 160. Congregational Conflict Has Consequences—  70% of pastors regularly consider leaving the ministry—  63% had been fired at least twice—  78% had been forced to resign at least once
  161. 161. Sources of conflict§  Disagreement about values/beliefs§  Unclear leadership structures§  Pastor’s role and responsibilities§  Disagreement about leadership style§  Changes in worship or music§  Staff conflicts and loyalties§  Narcissistic behavior
  162. 162. The Leadership Continuum Efficiency Leader oriented Group oriented Trust & ownership
  163. 163. The presence or absence of conflict isthe single biggest predictor of church growth or decline —C. Kirk Hadaway Faith Communities Today 2005
  164. 164. If you haven’t fought with each other, you do not know each other — Chinese proverb
  165. 165. The paradox of conflict
  166. 166. The Negative Effects of Conflict} Can cause group members to feel less positive toward the group} Impacts members level of satisfaction} Decreases effectiveness in working together} Hampers future decision making} Lowers overall performance
  167. 167. Positive Benefits of Conflict} Can produce higher quality decisions} Can improve overall performance} Improves overall quality} Energizes relationships} Encourages productivity and innovation} Gives a voice to minority positions} Unearths hitherto undiscovered problems} Improves long-term sustainability
  168. 168. Two Types of Conflict
  169. 169. Destructive Conflict: Affective } Emotion-centered } Person-centered } Undermines teamwork } Undermines the ability to make decisions } Undermines commitment to decisions } Seeks a win-lose solution
  170. 170. Constructive Conflict: Substantive } Issue or problem focused } Does not confuse persons with positions } Argues and disagrees without destroying the group’s ability to work together } Seeks to solve problems, not win arguments } Seeks a win-win solution
  171. 171. Responding to congregational conflictStrategies that make a difference
  172. 172. Strategy 1:Develop your capacity to respond
  173. 173. Dont remove a fly fromyour neighbors face with a hatchet —Chinese proverb
  174. 174. Understand your conflict management style1.  Persuading2.  Compelling3.  Avoiding/Accommodating4.  Collaborating5.  Negotiating6.  Supporting
  175. 175. Exerciseemotional intelligence
  176. 176. Strategy 2:Avoid avoidance
  177. 177. Why you should avoid avoidance} Conflict does not often go away--just underground} It’s more honest and healthier to say, "We dont agree, lets work on solving our disagreement"} The perceived problem may go away . . . only to return again (and again) another day
  178. 178. Strategy 3:Analyze the conflict
  179. 179. Different kinds of conflict require different strategies— If it is a substantive conflict — Focused on issues — Identifiable problem to solve — Utilize an issue-focused problem solving methodology
  180. 180. Different kinds of conflict require different strategies—  If it is an interpersonal/emotional conflict (affective) —  Focused on feelings —  Interpersonal in nature —  Utilize a methodology focused on empathy, listening and personal responsibility
  181. 181. Which comes first, thoughts or feelings?} Feeling precedes thinking for most people} Emotions can help or hinder thought processes} Emotions refuse to be ignored in conflict situations} Rational (thinking) problem solving usually happens after dealing with emotions
  182. 182. LEVELS OF CONFLICT 5 Intractable Situation 4 Fight/Flight 3 Contest 2 Disagreement1 A Problem to Solve 0 Depression .
  183. 183. What level?Discuss:—  Think about a conflict you have experienced in your ministry and identify the level of conflict.—  What signs have you observed that point to the level you have identified?
  184. 184. Managing conflict—  The simplest way to manage conflict is to keep differences of opinion at Level One. —  Levels 2 through 5 have to be moved down —  Level 0 has to move up
  185. 185. 7 Steps in Problem Solving1.  Identify the issue: What are we trying to decide?2.  What alternatives do we have?3.  How might each alternative work?4.  Which alternative(s) do we choose?5.  What do we need to do to carry out the decision?6.  Who will do what? Be specific7.  When and how will we evaluate? •
  186. 186. Strategy 4:Build relationships
  187. 187. Increasingly, we leaddisconnected lives . . . even within congregations
  188. 188. Americans are “Bowling Alone” (Robert Putnam) 10 5 0 -5-10 Individual-15 bowling-20 League-25 bowling-30-35-40 1980 1993
  189. 189. Involvement in community is a predictor for other things— Giving— Volunteering— Service to others— Concern for the common good— Trust of others
  190. 190. “To predict whether I am likely to give time, money, blood, oreven a minor favor, you need to know, above all, how active Iam in community life and how strong my ties to family, friends, and neighbors are.” -Robert Putnam, Bowling Alone
  191. 191. Strategy 5:Follow a Biblical model
  192. 192. Don’t get caught inemotional triangles
  193. 193. The anatomy of a triangle
  194. 194. A Biblical model of reconciliation Matthew 18:15-17 Person Injured Injured person takes initiative Why?Offender may not know Reconciliation No Reconciliation Bring another Reconciliation No Reconciliation Bring to Body
  195. 195. Strategy 6:Rely on the promises of God
  196. 196. “In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?” Psalm 56:4
  197. 197. Exploring ConflictThrough Case Studies
  198. 198. Case Study Exploration—  Read the case study individually—  With your table group, identify: 1.  The problem(s) that needs to be solved 2.  Who is responsible for solving the problem? 3.  Possible methods for solving the problem
  199. 199. Difficult Conversations Douglas Stone Bruce Patton Sheila Heen
  200. 200. Three Conversations in One— The “What Happened” Conversation— The Feelings Conversation— The Identity Conversation
  201. 201. What Happened?—  Not who’s right —  Exploring stories—  Don’t assume what —  Disentangle intent they meant from impact—  Abandon blame —  Map the Contribution system
  202. 202. Feelings Matter!— Unexpressed feelings —  Leak or burst into conversation —  Make it difficult to listen —  Affect our self-esteem— Getting a handle on your feelings —  Explore your feeling history —  Find “bundle” of feelings behind simple label —  Find feelings lurking under judgments —  Negotiate with your feelings— Acknowledgement is key
  203. 203. Identity – What’s At Stake?— Three Core Identities —  Am I competent? —  Am I a good person? —  Am I worthy of love?— Avoid the All or Nothing Syndrome
  204. 204. Ground Your Identity—  Become aware of what’s at stake—  Adopt the And Stance—  Three Things to Accept —  You will make mistakes —  Your intentions are complex —  You have contributed to the problem—  Regaining Your Balance —  Let go of control of their reaction —  Prepare for their response —  Get some perspective (3 months, 3 years, 3 decades)
  205. 205. Creating a LearningConversation
  206. 206. Begin from the Third Story—  Our story is important, but not the best place to start—  Think like a mediator—  Not right or wrong – Just different—  Stay with the third story —  Reframe your statements —  Reframe their statements
  207. 207. Extend the Invitation—  Describe your purposes—  Invite, don’t impose—  Make them your partner—  Be persistent—  Key phrases —  I’d like to talk about —  I wonder if it would make sense —  Would you mind discussing
  208. 208. Listening is Key—  Listening transforms the conversation—  Listening helps them listen to you—  Listen from the inside out —  Forget the words – Authenticity —  Become aware of your internal voice—  Negotiate your way into curiosity—  Inquire, paraphrase, acknowledge
  209. 209. Speak up too—  You are entitled—  Failure to express yourself keeps you out of relationships—  Entitlement doesn’t mean obligation—  Speak to the heart of the matter —  Start with what matters most —  Say what you mean —  Recognize complexity (Me-Me And)
  210. 210. Telling Your Story Clearly—  Don’t present your conclusions as THE TRUTH—  Share from where your conclusions come.—  Don’t exaggerate (always & never)
  211. 211. Take the Lead in Problem Solving} Reframe, reframe, reframe} Move from “either/or” to “and”} Listen even more} Name the dynamic} It takes two to agree} Test your perceptions ◦  Say what is missing ◦  Say what would persuade you ◦  Ask what (if anything) would persuade them ◦  Ask their advice} Invent options
  212. 212. Checklist1.  Prepare by walking through the three conversations —  What happened —  Emotions —  Identity2.  Check your purposes and decide whether to raise the issue3.  Start from the third story4.  Explore their story and yours5.  Problem Solving
  213. 213. Day 3
  214. 214. African Bible Study Matthew 13:1-9; 18-23
  215. 215. CongregationalSupport Systems Dr. Stephen H. Cook
  216. 216. The Talking Chair—  Complete the worksheet in the Learner’s Guide on p. 68—  Prepare to share your commitments with your table group and the faculty
  217. 217. Assignments and next stepsPick a new project to work on for next time Compete the evaluation online Pray for one another and keep in touch!
  218. 218. Closing Activity

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