The family unit which is meant to be a haven of everything good has in resent times been bedeviled by crisis that rock its very roots. So true has the word proven to be "Those who live in glass house don't throw stones.

1. 1
FAMILIES IN CRISIS
By Shulammite Paul
It is an undeniable fact that families are in crises today. The U.S survey on fa
mily growth, (2012) shows that of every 1000 families, 3.4% break up due to crises
within the family circle.
Crises in the family might be brought about by several factors all of which ar
e related to the type of relationship that exists within the family arrangement. This
relationship is deeper and stronger than the relationship found amongst friends, bro
thers, colleagues or acquaintances. Family relationships are strong and deeply enco
mpassing, thereby making the parties involved emotionally tied to one another. Fee
lings are strong and far reaching. It is said that love and hate are two sides of the sa
me coin. So, it is either one hates or one is loves. If one should love strongly, so he
or she hates strongly as well once the love has been tampered with negatively.
This unique relationship within the family circle is made more difficult by th
e fact that family members are tied to each other and will forever have to put up wi
th one another. This is not the case with mutual friends or acquaintances, in which
case the aggrieved individual might decide to take a walk if he or she is no longer i
nterested in the relationship and he might even do so without looking back.
In time past, many people go into marriage with one basic thing in mind and
that is that the union will make them forever happy. They do not go into marriage a
nticipating problems and expecting that the union will end before it even takes off.
So, when they are met with the first wave of crises they freak out and their natural
reaction is ‘I can’t take this’. But this reaction changes over time much like a putre
fying smell ceases from being repugnant after one is exposed to it for a while. The
unpleasant situation is then accepted as normal and with time as an inevitable aspe
ct of marriage. What are those issues though that may cause not just fracas but cris
es between family members?
Factors that have over the years impacted on family relationship have border
ed on spousal infidelity, spousal and child abuse (domestic violence), communicati
on gap, economic downturn, cultural views of spousal roles, individual experiences

2. 2
and upbringing, increase in the rate of family breakdown, negative influence of the
information systems, and the extended family saga to mention but a few.
Spousalinfidelity
For every 10 family crises recorded, 4 has spousal infidelity as its causative.
In many societies infidelity in men records higher than that of women. This is beca
use of the belief systems that tends to see men as polygamous in nature, and as hea
ds of the family arrangement, are seen as having the right to engage in the said cou
rse.
Women on the other hand are seen as passive members of the family who sh
ould remain in the background. Initially down the course of human history, women
accepted this role and were very happy remaining in the background. But with the
passage of time and the growth in civilization, the women in these societies becom
e exposed to the activities of women in other societies who from the word go did n
ot accept this second class role for a woman. Such exposure then gives the women
in the first societies the push they need to speak up against what now seems to the
m to be an unacceptable situation. The men not being used to this reaction equally
reacts by trying harder to assert themselves. Before one knows it what might have s
eemed on the initial stage to be mere clashes that would soon go away, turns to be
a full-fledged crisis with the woman threatening to leave, the man not giving a dam
n and the children suddenly forced to live with step families.
Domestic Violence
‘There were 94,000 reported violent crimes against family members in Canada in 2
011, 50% were spouses, 18% children. This accounted for 26% of all police invest
igated crimes that year’. The statistical Profile from Canada shows that the number
of women assaulted by a current intimate partner is 542 per 100,000 Canadians’, (
GSS, Violence Against Women, 2011).
This statistics from Canada rightly portrays the situation in many countries t
oday. Domestic violence ranks number two among the causes of crisis in the famil
y, spouse and child abuse being its feed. World Health magazine says: “Violence a
gainst women occurs in every country and in every social and economic class. In m
any cultures, wife-beating is considered a man’s right. All too often, routine beatin
g and rape of women and girls are considered ‘private matters’ that do not concern

3. 3
others—whether the legal authorities or health personnel.”Statistics show that Bet
ween 2,000 and 4,000 women die every year from abuse.
Spousal abuse is both physical injury inflicted on the woman or man and the
persistent verbal intimidation of one spouse over another. Some mates on a persona
l level have little or no respect and regard for their spouse that they can inflict such
physical and verbal injury for as long as the union lasts.
Most domestic violence are reigned on the female folks and like the above q
uoted report shows many such like abuses go unreported as the women think about
the shame and embarrassment it could cause them. And as has been noted many c
ultures and I dare say African cultures seem to accept that the man has the right to
batter his wife.
Falling too under spousal abuse is spousal neglect. Societies have assigned
men roles outside the home and women are seen as being the ones to stay back and
take care of the home front. However this imbalanced role sharing has left so man
y women neglected. With no husband to give love and attention and children who a
re often times too busy to notice their mom except when they need something, the
woman soon deteriorates to a bag of depression. While some women will unwitting
ly resign to this fate, many react and then inevitably lead to family crisis.
Child abuse is one topic that has enlisted the concerns of many people world
over. Children are very vulnerable and defenseless, always left to suffer not just fr
om abusive parents that inflict both physical and mental injury on them, but sexual
predators both at home and outside the home. Such kids grow up embittered not jus
t with the people responsible for their abuse but with the society that lets it happen
and allow perpetrators go scot-free.
Research has shown that kids who suffered violence and abuse at home are v
ery likely to replicate same as an adult. And the family union most often being a un
ion of people from different backgrounds may throw up someone who had a more
stable home as such individual’s spouse, the crisis that will definitely brew can onl
y best be imagined.

4. 4
Economic Down-turn
Husband bashing wife, wife reigning insult on husband, children screaming
at parents, are sights very common in many homes. The factor most responsible for
this scenario is money. Monetary issues can really put a strain on marital unions b
ecause it is money that determines the living standard of the family as well as its ab
ility to survive the hard times that everybody is facing. It is said in the good book t
hat expectation postponed is making the heart sick, so when couple’s monetary exp
ectations are not met, not only do their hearts get sick, but the situation could deteri
orate to conflict and in time a full blown crisis.
Many husbands find it difficult to adjust to a change in economic situation, a
nd most often react with anger. Such wrath is often time not targeted at their spous
es, but she ends up bearing the brunt given the fact that she is the one most closest t
o him. His salary is adjusted, he takes it out on his wife, his business does not do w
ell, it’s the fault of the wife, children grow up and become more demanding, and th
e wife is still responsible for it. So the husband then wears a sad face anytime he ge
ts home and sees the wife. The situation is made worse if it ends up that the wife is
not working and is solely dependent on the husband for everything. Then will one
hear terms such as ‘lazy woman, waiting to be given everything’ ‘go out and make
money like other women’
On the part of the woman, she is under constant pressure to be like her peers,
and so when the husband’s economic situation is no longer enabling her maintain
her status, the result is serious family crisis. The children too do not understand the
meaning of no or wait. Everything they want must be done and must be done now.
So, parents trying to explain a sudden change in income situation is blatantly met
with a brick wall of ‘no way it can’t be and am not going to accept that’ Which is n
ever said in a pleasant manner.
Cultural views of spousalroles
Certain societies have been identified as having the culture of assigning men
roles outside the home while women engage in unpaid labour within the home. Th
e book Men and Women quoted in a journal says: “Everywhere, even if women are
highly regarded, the activities of men are valued more than those of women. It mat

5. 5
ters not a whit how a society allocates roles and tasks between the sexes; those that
belong to men inevitably count for more in the eyes of the whole community.”
The fact of the matter is that the woman’s role in the home is usually taken f
or granted. Thus, the foreword to the book The World’s Women, (1970-1990) states
: “Women’s living conditions—and their contributions to the family, the economy
and the household—have generally been invisible. Many statistics have been defin
ed in terms that portray men’s conditions and contributions, not women’s, or that si
mply ignore gender. . . . Much of the work women do is still not considered to be o
f any economic value at all—and is not even measured.”
In 1934, North American writer Gerald W. Johnson expressed opinions abou
t women in the workplace: “A woman frequently gets a man’s job but rarely a man
’s pay. The reason is that there is no conceivable form of daily labor that cannot be
done better by some man than by any woman. The greatest dressmakers and millin
ers are men . . . The greatest cooks are invariably men. . . . Right here and now it is
a fact that any employer is willing to give a man more money than he gives a wom
an for the same work because he has reason to believe that the man will do it better
.” That comment, though it may have been a joke, reflected the biases of the time,
which are still current in many male minds.
So men who still have this traditional belief of the role of a woman naturally
tend not to attach any significance to a woman’s role whether within or outside the
household and modern women fight this trend with the greatest eagerness of heart
which has led to not a few crises in these families.
Increase in the rate of family breakdown
With the increase in the rate of divorce worldwide, many marriages have con
tinued to have very wrong foundations which in turn lead to many more family bre
akdowns. A research carried out in the U.S in 1998shows that 50.3 percent of all m
arriages conducted each year ends up in divorce. That figure has been on the increa
se since then as many new factors keep springing up to erode family integrity.
Such factors as the cheapening of the marriage arrangement by the media an
d individuals through their programmes and the vibes they send out. It is not unco
mmon for one to hear people say ‘the whole marriage thing is over rated’. ‘I can sti

6. 6
ll be in a union with someone and have kids without going through the rigors of a
marriage which will definitely end up in divorce’. Such defeatists when they event
ually marry do not treat the union with respect and before one knows it so many cri
sis situation develop and breaks the union.
Divorces do not only occur between newly married people. Even for some ol
d timers, the increase use of drugs and other mind altering substances by their kids
have led to not a few crisis and eventual breakup. Many of these kids come home
with half sane minds and for some insane ones and take out their frustrations on the
ir parents or other siblings.
Negative influence of the information system
The information system is globally developed to educate and incite users to
positive action. It is a truism that the early developers of this technology never envi
saged the explosion going on at present in this industry. This worthy venture which
started with so many positive aspects have become overwhelmed with so much ne
gativity that many are wishing that it gradually and silently goes away.
With so much infiltration of the information system into modern societies, m
any families have become exposed to its negative influences. Imagine a scenario in
this house hold where you find a typical setting in many homes. It’s 7 O’clock pm
and every member of the family is back home, and after dinner every one moves in
to different rooms-The father to the sitting room to sit in front of the television, the
mother to the family study to work on her computer system, the son to his room to
play a violent video game or watch movies, the girl in her room on the net endlessl
y facebooking, twitting and doing all this modern things done to keep in touch not
only with friends but with the whole world.
The effect of the above scenario is soon felt as family members become estra
nged from each other being practically strangers living together under one roof. Co
mmunication moves from being sparsely done to a total breakdown. The situation
becomes like a time bomb waiting to explode. The explosion comes when the mem
bers of this family are forced to deal with a particular situation. Since they are not
used to having such interactive session, misunderstanding may soon erupt and mig
ht equally deteriorate to a full blown crisis.

7. 7
The extended family saga.
‘Your mother can not come and stay, but I want my sister to visit’.
‘If my mother is not staying then neither is your sister visiting’.
‘How could you, you know how much I want my sister to come and help me out’.
‘And you know my mother has no other helper but me’.
The exchange continues until insults are reined at each other or punches starts flyin
g.
The extended family members many at times are the causes of family crisis e
ven with their not knowing it. Many couples try hard to keep in touch with their in
dividual families that the unwary undermine the survival of the new union. The cul
tural situation in Africa has made it that the extended families have to be taken into
consideration. This is good, however, if they are not kept in their proper places the
y may unwittingly cause so much fracas between couples that they may live unhap
pily with one another or break up.
The girl child saga
The last point that will be discussed is the obsession in Africa with male chil
dren. Many families have ended up in the crisis table because of the pressure to ha
ve male children as against the female ones. Husbands blame wives and wives bla
me husbands. The in-laws too blame the wife and before you know it the strain cou
ld not be borne by either party any more. The husband’s strong desire for the conti
nuation of the family name pushes him in to thinking of either keeping an affair out
side or marrying another wife.
THE WAY FORWARD
The above listed causes of crisis in the family can never be exhaustive. Misu
nderstanding within the family is an inevitable thing, but such misunderstandings c
an be prevented from deteriorating into a crisis situation if only the couples are det
ermined to keep the union.
The first thing to be noted by couples is that being in a union or in unity does
not mean being uniform. So couples need to understand the differences in their ma

8. 8
ke-up and make room for each other’s uniqueness. They must seek to take time out
to study each other, such study should be an on- going process that might last as lo
ng as the couples remain together. They should be committed to the union doing w
hatever they can to sustain it and each individual’s contribution should be recogniz
ed and appreciated.
Families comprising of the parents and the children should see themselves as
partners in progress and not as antagonists. The children should know that the pare
nts love them and wants the best for them. This can be made clear to them by little
expressions of it in little ways, that way the lines of communications will be kept v
ery open. Couples should learn to talk about everything together, they should make
conscientious effort at spending time together, eating together, bathing together an
d definitely sharing one bed together- not like so many homes where you have a ro
om for mummy and another room for daddy.
Most African parents do not believe in their children. Many parents do not d
raw their children closer to them. They become so engrossed in providing materiall
y for their kids that they do not take the time to study their kids so that they can rec
ognize areas that these young ones need proper guidance and direction. The result i
s that the children turn to their peers for guidance and before the parents know wha
t is happening, the situation is out of control. Some parents so close up themselves
that the children cannot freely table their concerns before them and sometimes whe
n they eventually do the matter is treated flippantly. This causes the child to further
withdraw into his or shell.
So couples should take the marriage union seriously, discuss everything between th
emselves and their children. No topic (sex, drug, and smoking) should be seen as a
taboo topic that cannot be discussed, for when it is not discussed, friends and peers
might direct kids wrongly.
Extended families should be kept in their proper places. Never should they b
e allowed to come between the couples. Couples should be determined to stick tog
ether no matter what. The use of electronic media should be kept to the barest mini
mum. Sometimes couples can consciously switch off the television set. Minimize t
he act of keeping a television set in the rooms of the kids or the computer system in
a hidden area of the house. Parents should monitor the use of the net by their kids

9. 9
however, they must be discreet in doing so, so as not to exasperate their children an
d make them downhearted.
HANDLING A CRISIS SITUATION
According to Dr. Phil McGraw a mental health professional with an educational m
edia show in the U.S ‘When a family is in crisis, it is easy to become trapped benea
th a mountain of problems. In order to crawl out from underneath that pain, there ar
e choices and sacrifices that must be made’. He went ahead to suggest some points
that have to be put in perspective so that the family can move forward:
1. Set blame aside.
This is not the time for finger pointing. Your energy needs to be focused on
solving problems, not assigning blame. Feelings like anger and resentment
need to be put aside so that the family can work together on fixing the
problems at hand.
2. Prioritize your problems.
When dealing with more than one family problem, tackle the most pressing
issue first, and then move on to others. Surmounting one problem at a time is
key to moving successfully through a crisis.
3. Stand in others'shoes.
During a highly emotional and tense time, it's easy to get lost in your own e
motions and forget about other people. You need to imagine how each perso
n involved in the situation is feeling to understand the whole problem and fig
ure out the bestsolution.
4. Re-engineerthe family unit.
If the family unit you have established for yourselves isn't working, you
have to change the way you all operate. Does a parent give more attention to
one child? Does one sibling communicate more than another? A shift in the
family dynamic could be an important step toward healing.

10. 10
5. Recognize thateveryone's affected.
What happens to one family member happens to the entire family. When you
focus only on the personin need, you are dealing with half the situation. Be
sure that everyone has the chance to talk about how they feel.
6. Don't get stuck in the past.
What's done is done. Instead of wasting time wishing you had handled
things differently, start changing your behavior today and concentrate on
your family's future.
7.
REFERENCES
1. The U.S survey on family growth, (2012), UNICEF Statistics,
2012.
2. GSS, Violence against Women, 2011. The Canadian
Government Family Health Statistics.
3. ‘Men and Women’, quoted in ‘Awake! February 8, 2000’.
4. United Nations press release based on the report Progress of the
World’s Women: In Pursuit of Justice,2011.
5. Dr. Phil McGraw, the Dr. Phil show, Drphil.com
6. Gerald W. Johnson quoted in ‘Awake! February 8, 2000’.

11. 11