Question 1 Why is project scheduling so important Your re.docx

Question 1
Why is project scheduling so important?
Your response should be at least 75 words in length. You are
required to use at least your textbook as source material for
your response. All sources used, including the textbook, must
be referenced; paraphrased and quoted material must have
accompanying citations.
Question 2
What are the three main components of defining project
activities?
Question 3
What are SMART criteria? What are the five key points of using
project milestones?
Question 4
What are the three basic reasons for creating dependencies when
sequencing project activities?

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Life Direction
Support System
Self-Support
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Chapter 3 / Creating Success
196Think • Build • Live Success
TM | Self-Empowerment Copyright © 2009, Best Effect
321
“People begin to become
successful the minute
they decide to be.”
— Harvey Mackay
(syndicated columnist and author of five business bestsellers)
What does this
quote suggest
about the nature
of success?
What would it
take to make that
kind of decision,
and then really
stand behind it?

How can simply
deciding to be
successful actu-
ally start to make
us successful?
197 Think • Build • Live Success
TM | Self-EmpowermentCopyright © 2009, Best Effect
Success means different things to different people. It can
involve having a certain amount of
money or material comfort, the love of family and friends, good
health, a fulfilling career, knowl-
edge, social status, adventure, wisdom, or any combination of
these or other things. While
pictures of success vary greatly, we all tend to experience it in
much the same way, as a deep
sense of satisfaction at having accomplished something we set
out to do. It leaves us feeling
good about ourselves and like we are capable of further
fulfilling our potential. Success, how-
ever, is not a solid, fixed destination; we may reach a place we
had aimed for but then find that
challenges arise, or that we simply want to go further. Life is
not static, it keeps moving, which
makes success a process we’re engaged in throughout our lives.
Depending upon our life circumstances up until this point, it
may seem as though we’ve had
few real choices. We may feel we’ve done the best we can with
what we’ve been given, but are

ultimately just being carried along by a stream of circumstance.
We may see success as avail-
able to others, but unattainable for us. The truth is, however,
that each of us is already starring
in our own success story. That story is what has brought us to
where we are today—working
this very moment to improve ourselves and our lives. Our
success story may not be readily
apparent, but when we take stock of everything it took to get us
to the point we’re at right now,
wherever that may be, it’s clear that we already have many of
the ingredients we need to succeed.
Unless we’ve led a fairy tale life, every one of us has survived
hardship, disappointment, disil-
lusionment and heartache. Every one of us has faced significant
obstacles and challenges that
we eventually overcame through the force of our will. Our will
is the most powerful of all hu-
man tools, and one whose only master is us. We’ve already put
that will to work in improving
the way we see ourselves (our self-picture), the way we look at
the world (our outlook), the way
we communicate with ourselves (our self-talk), and the way we
communicate with others (our
self-expression). Already well on the road toward success,
we’re now in a position to do what’s
necessary to create the kind of life we can feel truly good about.
Though we’ve all shown the drive and will to keep on trying,
we may not have had a conscious
life direction, goals, or plan on how to achieve them. In the next
section, Life Direction, we’ll fig-
ure out what success means to each of us, and lay the
groundwork for achieving that success.
In Support System, we’ll spend some time thinking about how

other people can play a part in
our success, and in Self-Support, we’ll determine what we need
to do to reduce stress, manage
our emotions and stay motivated.
Creating Success
Self-SupportSupport System
TM | Self-Empowerment
become aware
Copyright © 2009, Best Effect
become aware
In the Become Aware section, we will identify those things
that contribute to success, and begin to get a sense of how

well we are supporting success in our own lives.
Become Aware Make Choices Support
Your Choices
become aware
Maya Angelou was born Marguerite Ann Johnson
on April 4th, 1928, in St. Louis, Missouri to working
class parents. When she was three, her parents’
marriage broke up, so young Maya and her older
brother were sent to live in Stamps, Arkansas with
their grandmother. Although life in Stamps brought
Maya face to face with prejudice and racial dis-
crimination, her grandmother would instill in the
young girl a sense of cultural heritage and personal
strength. Four years later, Maya’s father showed up
out of the blue, and sent her and her brother back
to St. Louis to live with their mother.
At age eight, Maya suffered abuse at the hands of
her mother’s boyfriend. After telling her family, the
man was brought to court and found guilty, but sen-
tenced to only one night in jail. Four days after his
release, he was beaten to death. The young Maya
assumed that her words had killed him, and she
became mute for nearly five years.

Not long after this tragic event, Maya and her broth-
er moved back to Stamps, where Maya would meet
Bertha Flowers. Ms. Flowers was a family friend
and teacher who would expose Maya to a wealth of
literature, nurture her creativity, and eventually help
her to find her voice again. At age thirteen, she and
her brother rejoined their mother in San Francisco.
Maya went to high school, worked hard, and got a
scholarship to study dance and drama at the Cali-
fornia Labor School, a progressive institution whose
ideas would shape much of Angelou’s later activ-
ism. Maya dropped out of high school for a time to
become San Francisco’s first female, African-Amer-
ican streetcar conductor. She eventually returned to
school, and though she became pregnant her senior
year, still graduated with her class.
At the age of seventeen, Maya was a single mother
on her own, moving around the country trying to
support herself and her son. Without job training
or advanced education, she worked variously as
a cook, waitress, and even as a prostitute, all the
while learning by trial and error and nurturing the
desire to perform. She married in 1952, and as she
earned more success as a nightclub singer and
dancer, changed her professional name to Maya
Angelou. The marriage ended, and Angelou—
touring Europe as a singer, studying dance with
leading figures of the day, and recording her first
album—struggled to find a balance between being
a successful performer and a good mother.
In the late 1950s, Angelou moved to Harlem, New
York, and had success as an actress, often writing

and performing her own work. Wanting to hone her
skills as a writer, she became involved in the Harlem
Writers Guild; at the same time she began working
in the Civil Rights Movement. The early 60s saw her
married and then single again, living in Cairo and
Ghana, working as a newspaper editor, playwright
and arts instructor, studying hard and mastering nu-
merous foreign languages. In 1964, she moved back
to New York to fight for civil rights alongside Mal-
colm X and, after his assassination, worked closely
with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Overcome with emo-
tion over his assassination (on her birthday), and
encouraged by friend and author James Baldwin,
Angelou poured her grief out onto the page. The
results would become the internationally acclaimed
autobiography, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
(1970), and bring Angelou to national prominence.
Dr. Maya Angelou currently has over 30 published
titles to her name, spanning a range of autobiog-
raphies, essays, children’s books, and poetry. Her
screenplay, Georgia, Georgia, for which she also
composed the soundtrack, became the first movie
written by an African-American woman ever to be
filmed, and was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.
She holds over 30 honorary degrees, is a sought-
after lecturer, and, in addition to being a three-time
Grammy award winner, has continued acting in film
and TV. Dr. Angelou is a recipient of the Presidential
Medal of Arts and the Lincoln Medal, has served
in national cultural positions under Presidents Ford
and Carter, and famously read her poem, “On the
Pulse of Morning,” at President Clinton’s inaugura-
tion. She continues to inspire people around the
world with her story, words, and wisdom.

Check it Out
The Story of Maya Angelou
(world-renowned author, singer, actor, and the first African-
American
woman to have her screenplay turned into a film)
become aware
Talk (and Write) It Out
Life Direction: While Ms. Angelou followed many passions and
explored a variety of career
paths, there were certain visions and goals she was committed
to (e.g. caring for her son) that
influenced the choices she made for herself and determined the
direction of her life. Which of
those stand out for you?
Support System: Who helped to support Ms. Angelou’s success
along the way? What other
outside resources did she make use of?
Many of us believe that the challenges we face will
keep us from ever
succeeding in life. Ms. Angelou is only one of countless
examples

proving that it is our attitude and our choices—not our
challenges—that determine our ability to
succeed. As Colin Powell, former four-star general and the first
African-American Secretary of
State has said: “There are no secrets to success. It is the result
of preparation, hard work, and
learning from failure.”
Final Thought
LIFE
Self-Support: What are some of the ways you think Ms.
Angelous supported her own
success (took care of and motivated herself)?
Now imagine for a moment that one of these elements were
missing from her life. How might things have turned
out differently for her if, for instance, she had no direction in
her life, no support system, or offered herself no support?
become aware
Exercise: Where I Am Now
Like Ms. Angelou, everyone of you has faced challenges,
obstacles, and setbacks—some quite significant. In
spite of them, you have made it to where you are now, sitting in

this class with a focus on building a better life for
yourself. Without a close examination of your life, it can be
hard to know just what it was that helped you to push
through and keep going. The goal of this exercise is to give you
a better sense of what has helped to support you thus
far, and what you could further develop to better support your
success in all aspects of your life going forward.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Your Life Direction
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Your Support Systems
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Your Self-Support
Part 1: The Rating
If you were to consider your life direction—any vision or goals
you have for your life—how clear is it for you on a
scale of 1-10?
Part 2: Take it Up
If you gave an area a rating of eight or above, then that is likely
an area that is supporting your success. A rating
below eight suggests that the area that could benefit from
improvement. Write below any that fall into that
category, and anything you can think of that might help to
improve the rating (e.g. making new friends might
strengthen your support system, while setting goals might help
to clarify your life direction).
Now think about the support system you have in your life right

now. It may be comprised of family members,
friends, teachers, sports coaches, or anyone who supports your
success in some way. On a scale of 1-10, how
supported do you feel right now by the people in your life?
Finally, think about the support you currently give yourself—
any ways in which you look out for and take care of
yourself—and give that self-support a rating between 1-10.
Below 8 How to Improve
make choices
In the Make Choices section, we take an in-depth look at
the three key strategies for creating success: having a life
direction, a strong support system, and self-support.
Become Aware Make Choices Support
Your Choices

TM | Self-Empowerment Copyright © 2009, Best
Effect204Think • Build • Live Success
TM | Self-Empowerment Copyright © 2009, Best Effect
make choices
Who’s Making the Choice?
Whether we’re facing major life decisions or everyday ones, it
can be difficult to know which of our inner voices
is advising us on what to do. One way to help determine who’s
‘speaking,’ is by giving our decision a Success
Check with the question: “How well does this choice support
my success? Does it contribute to my life direction,
support system, and/or self-support?” Generally speaking,
coach-influenced choices come as a result of taking
all possible benefits and consequences into account.
Let’s say, for example, that we just got an invitation to a party
being held the night before a big test in our least
favorite class. We really feel like we need some social time, but
we also know that if we don’t study, we’ll fail an
important test. The critic’s message might be that if we stay
home we’ll be missing out, and that studying won’t
help us anyway, so we should just go and have a good time. Our
coach, on the other hand, encourages us to
consider our goals and needs, to prioritize what’s really
important, and then (s)he helps us to strike a balance.

(S)he knows that a good grade is important to our career
success, but also that the stress-reducing benefits of
being social are important to our quality of life; the final
decision may then be to spend one hour studying, one
hour at the party, and to get to bed early.
Success as Viewed by the Critic/Coach
The Critic
The Coach
The critic doesn’t believe in success. To the critic it is a pipe
dream, an impossibility,
and everything (s)he says to us about success will reflect that
mistaken belief. The critic
sees no value in having a life direction because (s)he doesn’t
think we have any control
over our lives; why bother having dreams or making plans if
they will never be realized?
The critic also ignores the need for a support system, believing
that no one else can or
will help us anyway. (S)he sees no point in self-support since
stress and overwhelming
emotions are the norm for him/her, and motivation is certainly
not necessary without
faith in the potential for success. The critic encourages us to
make choices (or not make
choices) out of deeply-held doubts and fears—fear that we’re
not good enough, smart
enough or capable, fear of failure and of success, fear of trying
new things and taking a
chance by saying yes or saying no.
The good news is that the critic has a formidable and well-
equipped opponent in the

coach.
Our coach believes wholeheartedly in success and in our ability
to achieve it. (S)he
knows the value of defining success for ourselves, and
actualizing it with a life direction.
(S)he recognizes the necessity of having a support system in
place, with outside assis-
tance and ongoing support in the form of friends, allies, and
resources—both those we
have now, and the many we will develop along the way. Finally,
(s)he understands how
crucial it is to our success to give ourselves the greatest degree
of self-support, with im-
mediately accessible tools for reducing stress, managing our
emotions, and keeping us
motivated even when things get rough. Knowing that every
choice we make can either
promote or hinder our success, our coach encourages us to make
choices based on the
empowering core belief that we have everything we need to
create the life we want for
ourselves.
make choices
“Efforts and courage are not enough with-

out
purpose and direction.”
What does it mean to have a life direction? It means knowing
where we want to go and using
all available means to get there. We establish this direction by
creating a vision of what we want
for our future (based on things we most value), setting goals to
help us bring that vision to life,
and creating a plan of action to enable us to reach our goals. As
was illustrated in Maya Ange-
lou’s story, we are not at the mercy of fate; our decisions have a
great deal to do with how our
life turns out. Though Ms. Angelou faced many seemingly
insurmountable obstacles, and made
some potentially detrimental life-choices early on, she
consistently challenged herself to rise
above her circumstances and took the necessary steps to get
back on track. In order to be ‘on
track,’ however, Ms. Angelou had to know where she was
going—she had to have a life direction.
Ultimately, having a life direction means being clear about what
we really want and committing
to doing whatever’s necessary to manifest that. On the most
basic level, this is something we
do every day: if we want to feed ourselves, we commit to
making enough money to buy food; if
we want to keep our job, we commit to showing up every day
and doing our work. In the same
way, if we want to create a better life for ourselves, we need to
identify exactly what ‘a better life’
means, and then commit to doing whatever is necessary to make
that happen. By doing this, we
are actually sending out a powerful message to the world that

we are ready for positive change.
Just by determining a life direction, even before making any
significant life changes or taking any
big steps, we may notice that we are drawing people and
opportunities into our lives that support
our new vision for ourselves.
Remember that success is a process, and we, the creators of our
success, are works-in-prog-
ress. We are learning and growing on the way toward achieving
our goals; we don’t need to feel
100% sure of ourselves every step of the way, nor do we need to
fret about taking a step off
track here or there. As Ms. Angelou’s life demonstrates, if we
are unhappy with the direction our
life is going in right now or at any point in the future, we
always have the option of redirecting it
by consistently making choices that support our values and
further advance us toward our goals.
As long as we have a plan in place, we’ll know that we have the
support needed to get us back
on track and moving in the right direction.
What Works: Life Direction1.
LIFE
make choices

“There is more to us than we know. If we can be made to see it,
perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unwilling to settle
for
less.”
Check it Out
Zainab Salbi grew up in the oppressive and
often violent Iraq of Saddam Hussein. Al-
though she escaped to the U.S. at the age
of 19, growing up under these conditions
made her sympathetic towards the plight
of women in all war-torn countries. Though
she didn’t know just how to go about it,
Salbi wanted badly to help heal both the
countries ravaged by war, and the women
living in these countries, suffering injustice.
She envisioned a world in which women
could connect across social, cultural and
political boundaries to support, strengthen,
and empower one another, turning former
victims into active citizens. In 1993, Salbi
turned this vision into Women for Women
International. As written in the Washington
Post, she believed that, “by strengthen-
ing women, her organization [could] help
rebuild communities and nations.” Women
for Women International now operates in
eight countries, and has empowered over
153,000 women to take back their lives
and become self-sufficient through interna-
tional “sister-to-sister” sponsorship, local
job training, small business loans, politi-
cal rights awareness, and more. Included
among the many honors and awards that

Zainab Salbi and Women for Women Inter-
national have received for their work is a
2006 Conrad N. Hilton Humanitarian Prize,
the world’s largest humanitarian award.
In order to achieve success, we need to know
what it means to us, or what it looks like. By
harnessing the power of our imaginations, we
can create a detailed picture in our minds of
a successful life. While that picture may seem
like just a dream, it is really much more; it's
our life's vision.
We often use the terms ‘vision’ and ‘dream’
interchangeably. A dream, however, tends to
lack clear boundaries or definition, which can
make it feel more like a fantasy than anything
really possible. A vision, on the other hand, is
something we can optimistically (but realisti-
cally) see as a possibility. It can be as big
and glorious as a dream, but it comes with a
framework and foundation. We might think of
this vision as a focused fantasy of our future,
painted with clear, distinct lines; it’s defined
enough that we can place it in a frame, hang
it in a permanently visible place in our minds,
and look at it whenever we want to remind
ourselves of what’s possible.
Having a vision may seem like a luxury,
but it is actually a necessity if we want to
create a successful life for ourselves. As
Zainab Salbi's story illustrates, a vision can
act as a powerful, driving force in our lives,
giving us the strength and inspiration to make
even the seemingly impossible a reality. With

a clear vision, we live our lives with a greater
sense of purpose, inspiring those around us
to better their lives as well.
A. Vision
make choices
Exercise: My Vision
Reading over what you've written, is there anything else you
want to change or add? Perhaps there is a
talent that you’ve been neglecting, a hobby you’d like to devote
more time to, things you’ve always been
interested in but have never explored, or some kind of civic
contribution you’d like to make.
Part 1: Picture It
In this exercise, you’re going to write out what you ideally want
your life to look and feel like three years from
now in terms of family, friends, health, finances, career,
education, creativity, adventure, and hobbies. While
this is an ideal picture, try to keep it realistic (e.g. not
imagining yourself as a rock star if you’ve never sung).
NOTE: You may first want to take a few minutes to close your
eyes and get a mental picture. Then, let yourself

free-write—that is, allow the ideas to flow without editing or
pausing. Be descriptive and specific, writing in the
present tense, as though this vision were already a reality (e.g.
“I have...”, “I feel...”, or “I am...”).
make choices
Part 2: Highlight
Reading over Part 1: Picture It a second time, circle any of the
things you wrote that really stand out for you as
key points (e.g. “I have a great job,” “I am healthy,” “I feel
good about myself,” etc.) and write them below.
Part 3: Identify Your Values
Now you’re going to put your Highlights into one of the Value
Categories below (feel free to add other categories
if needed). For instance, if you 'highlighted,' “I live in a
beautiful house,” that suggests you value your physical
environment, so you would place a check mark next to that
value. If you listed, “Spending time with my chil-
dren,” then you would put a check mark next to the value
Family Life. Once you’ve tallied up all your Highlights,
circle the three with the most check marks. This gives you a
sense of what you most value right now, and will
help you set your goals for the future.

• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
• ____________________________
VALUE CATEGORIES
Family Life
Kids Activities

Home Life
Social Life
Career
Professional Development
Physical Health
(eating well, fitness)
Psychological/
Emotional Health
Hobbies
Personal Growth
Education
Civic/Community
Volunteering/Helping Others
(volunteering or making a
contribution in any other way)
Leisure Activities
(watching TV, web surfing, video
games, reading, listening to music,
going to the movies, shopping, etc.)
Creative Pursuits
(writing, art, dance, theater, music, etc.)
Religious Activities

Physical Environment
(the way your home, work space
or neighborhood look)
Adventure
Money
Quiet Time
make choices
Exercise: Time Management Snapshot
This exercise will help give you a sense of how you’re spending
your time, with the goal of identifying the activi-
ties and commitments that are and are not supporting your
values and the success you envision for yourself.
Part 1: Where Does the Time Go?
Below you’ll find a list of some common activities and
commitments (most of which line up with the Value Cat-
egories from the previous page). Make a check next to those
that apply to you—that is, anything that you spend
time on. NOTE: There may be some categories that overlap for
you. If that’s the case, make a check mark next

to all that apply. For instance, if the company you work for is
paying for you to take a computer skills class, you
would make a check next to Career, Professional Development,
and Education.
❏❏ Family Life: Anything done with family members
(e.g. having dinner, watching TV together, taking
a walk)
❏❏ Kids Activities: Any activity your children are
involved in that require your time
❏❏ Home Life: Home-based activities (e.g. cleaning,
organizing, fixing things, laundry, decorating)
❏❏ Social Life: Social activities (e.g. dinner with
a friend, a party, going to a football game with
friends)
❏❏ Career: Time you spend at a job or on job-related
commitments in your chosen field
❏❏ Other Work: Any other income-producing work
you do (freelance or odd jobs)
❏❏ Professional Development: Any career-related
skill development
❏❏ Physical Health: Anything you do to improve
your physical well-being (e.g. working out, playing
sports, dancing)
❏❏ Psychological/Emotional Health: Anything you
do to improve your psychological or emotional
well-being (e.g. therapy, support groups, self-help
reading)

❏❏ Hobbies: This can be anything from stamp collect-
ing, sewing, comic book reading, or model build-
ing, to race-car driving
❏❏ Quiet Time: Time you spend by yourself reading,
thinking, meditating, or taking a walk
❏❏ Personal Growth: Any class, reading, or other
activity you engage in for the purpose of self-
improvement
❏❏ Education: This can include in classes, work-
shops, one-time seminars, studying, and other
educational reading
❏❏ Community/Civic: Any community-related
activities, including events, fundraising, benefits,
walkathons, activism
❏❏ Volunteer: Anything you do in a volunteer
capacity, whether it’s an official position or regu-
larly helping an elderly neighbor with her grocery
shopping (this can include community-related
volunteer work)
❏❏ Leisure Activities: The things you do for fun
excluding hobbies (e.g. watching TV, web surfing,
video games, light reading, listening to music,
going to the movies, shopping)
❏❏ Creative Pursuits: Any sort of creative activity
(e.g. writing, art, dance, theater, music)
❏❏ Religious Activities: Services or other religious
activities

❏❏ Online: Email correspondence, listservs, forums,
mailing list or Google/Yahoo/other group
make choices
Part 3: Evaluation
Circle the three areas you’re focusing the majority of your time
and energy on.
Which of these areas are supporting the top values you
identified in your My Vision exercise?
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________
Which of these areas is not supporting the top values you
identified? For instance, if you listed your career as
a top value. but you see that you are spending twice as much
time hanging out with friends than you are on
your professional development, then your current use of time is
not supporting your values.

_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________
Now list, in order of importance, the areas you want to focus
more of your time on. (This will help you as
you’re setting your goals later in this chapter.)
_____________________________________________________
___
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
____________________________________________
Part 2: The Past Week
Now, review the things you checked off on the previous list,
and try to estimate how many hours you spent on
each of these things during the last week. For instance, if you
spent two hours doing laundry and one hour
cleaning the house, then that would be three hours in the Home
Life category. If you spent two hours at the
movies and two hours reading, that would be four hours in the
Leisure Activities category. Following the example
in the bar chart below, first list the activity on the bottom of the
chart, then fill in the bar up to the corresponding
number of hours you spent on it (found on the right side of
chart).
E
x
a

m
p
le
:
F
a
m
ily
L
ife
40
30
20
15
10
5

make choices
B. Setting Goals
Research by Dave Kohl, professor emeritus at Virginia Tech and
a well-known business con-
sultant, suggests that people who write down their goals earn
nine times as much over their
lifetime as people who don’t. Yet, 80 percent of U.S. residents
say they don’t have goals, 16
percent have goals but don’t write them down, and only 4
percent write down their business
Track It
Once we’ve established what our big goals are, we need
to determine exactly when we want (and can realisti-
cally expect) to achieve them. For example, if our goal
is to be a well-paid, traveling nurse and we are currently
in school to become a nurse’s assistant, then we need
to factor in the time it will take to complete our current
program, get into and complete the subsequent nursing
program, study for and pass our licensure exam, and
get some experience under our belts before applying
for the desired position. Factoring all these things in, we
may decide that this is a five-year big goal. That may feel
like a long way away, so we both support and track our
progress toward achieving our big goal by giving our-
selves 'supporting goals.' These are smaller goals with
clear deadlines in the more immediate future. Using the
same example, we might have as a supporting goal to
complete our current nursing assistant program in one
year’s time and get top grades in all of our classes. If our
big goal were to be in top physical condition within one
year, we might have as some of our supporting goals to
quit smoking in three months, cut out red meat com-

pletely in six months, and be exercising for two hours,
three times a week by the nine-month mark.
S.T.A.R Goals
While a vision is a big picture view of the way things ideally
could be, goals are Specific, Trackable (able to be
measured), Ambitious, and Realistic accomplishments that,
when achieved, help make our vision a reality. The
following guidelines will help us to develop these kinds of
goals.
Goals Are a Commitment that Pays
Setting goals allows us to take control of our lives by focusing
our attention and our choices on specific actions
and accomplishments that lead toward a desired outcome.
Instead of feeling like we are just being carried along
by a stream of circumstance, when we put goals in place, we are
in the driver’s seat, striving for and directing our
will towards an end result that we know will improve our lives.
It is not always easy to accomplish what we’ve set
out to do, but committing to achieving our goals is something
we will never regret. Goals pay off, and not just in
the long run, but on a day-to-day basis as well. Every day that
we keep our commitments—even if it’s as simple
as studying for 30 minutes, smoking one less cigarette a day, or
having a tuna sandwich instead of a burger for
lunch—we remind ourselves that we are capable of
accomplishing what we set our minds to, and that we really
care about improving our lives. This provides lots of motivation
to keep at it!
Get Specific
Goals are the stepping-stones that lead us
to the life we want for ourselves. In order
to create these stepping-stones, we need
to know what they’re made of and where

to place them. For instance, if in our vision
for the future we are happy, we need to
determine exactly, specifically what we
would need to be happy. These specifics—
whether it’s being in top physical condi-
tion, having a fulfilling career as a medical
assistant, or having a supportive, close-
knit family—are what we’ll refer to in this
chapter as big goals. These are the ‘big’
or significant achievements we’re working
towards in our lives. The more specific we
are about our goals, the easier it is to see
what we need to do to achieve them. So
instead of saying, “I want a good job,” we
might say, “I want a well-paid, flexible job
as a medical assistant." Instead of say-
ing, “I want a nice house,” we might say, “I
want a three-bedroom, Victorian house in a
quiet neighborhood.”
make choices
Staying on Track
Even with S.T.A.R. goals in place, at some point we all come up
against things that threaten to derail us,
whether it’s a situation, person, event, our own fears, doubts, or

even an immediate desire that conflicts with
our long-term plan for ourselves. Here are some tips for staying
on track:
We don’t want to beat ourselves up if we happen to lose focus.
Instead, we can reassure ourselves
with the knowledge that we’re only ever a few steps away from
getting back on track, and then reaf-
firm our commitment to our goals with immediate action.
When presented with a tough decision or a new opportunity, we
want to keep our goals in mind.
Considering our options, we can ask ourselves, “Will this
choice bring us closer or further away from
our goals?” Although it may be hard to let a good opportunity
go, it may not be so ‘good’ if it doesn’t
support our vision for our lives.
We made our goals, and we have the power to change them.
This is not to say that we shouldn’t
take them seriously, but it is important to remember that they
are flexible. If we don’t feel like we’re
progressing, or if we've lost enthusiasm for our goals, it may be
time to reexamine or revise them, or
simply to adjust our deadlines for reaching them. When making
these changes, however, we want to
make sure it’s not the critic’s fear of hard work or aversion to
change that’s influencing our decision.
Don’t go it alone. We are much more likely to follow through
with our plans if someone else is hold-
ing us accountable. Find a classmate, friend, or family member
to share your goals with, and set up a
regular schedule to check-in with and encourage one another.
2

1
4
3
Keep it Realistic
While it’s important to set ambitious goals for
ourselves, it’s also important to keep them
within the realm of reality. We need to have
more faith in our ability to achieve than we
may previously have thought possible, still, we
don’t want to set ourselves up for disappoint-
ment by setting goals that are out of our reach.
For instance, having a big goal of buying our
$100,000 dream house within a year might not
be realistic if we are currently making $25,000
a year. With a good plan in place and lots of
supporting goals, however, buying our dream
house in five years time might be entirely re-
alistic. A helpful Reality Check question might
be: “With consistent focus and hard work, will
I be able to achieve this goal? If so, when can
I realistically expect to achieve it?”
Be Ambitious
Setting a specific date by which we want to have ac-
complished a specific goal can be a little intimidating,
and we might be inclined to give ourselves too much
time, or to choose goals that we can easily accomplish
so that we feel safe. The idea, however, is to set goals
that push us out of our comfort zone and challenge us.
By accomplishing ambitious goals, we not only make
great strides toward self-improvement, we also send
a reinforcing message (both to ourselves and others)

that we are capable of doing what we put our minds to
and of building a better life for ourselves. To keep us
from getting discouraged, it can be helpful to enlist the
support of others to hold us accountable for reaching
our goals. For instance, we may want to ask a friend
to check in on us every month or so to see how we’re
progressing. Even if we’re frustrated, or not yet where
we want to be, their encouragement can motivate us to
keep going.
make choices
Exercise: Setting Goals
This exercise will give you an opportunity to get specific about
how you want to make your vision a reality
according to those things you’ve identified as being most
important to you. First, choose one value from your
My Vision exercise that you’d like to create goals for right now,
and write it next to Value on the following page.
Then, using the example below as a guide, write in your Big
(One Year) Goal box the one big accomplishment
that would best express that value in your life. Next, write in
the Supporting Goal boxes three things that would
help you to accomplish that big goal over the next year. While
the big and supporting goals are set up here as
one year and 3, 6, & 9 month goals, they may take more or less
time to fulfill; regardless, it’s important to have a

deadline attached to them so you have something concrete to
work towards. NOTE: While the example below
has three distinct supporting goals, you can also arrange them to
build upon one another (e.g. for Supporting (3
Month) Goal—exercise 1hr, 3x/wk, and for Supporting (6
Month) Goal—exercise 1hr, 4x/wk).
Supporting (3 Month) Goal:
Quit smoking
Get to a healthy weight
Exercise regularly 1 hr, 3x/wk
Date of Completion:
4/26/10
Date of Completion:
1/26/10
Date of Completion:
7/26/10
VALUE:
Health
Big (One Year) Goal:

To be in top physical condition Date: 10/26/10
make choices
Exercise: Setting Goals
NOTE: Know that there may be things you really value but that
are not attached to goals at this time
in your life for a variety of reasons. If at any point along your
journey it becomes clear that you need to
express that value in action more fully, you can revise your
goals accordingly. (This goal identification
process can be applied to any area of your life.) You will also
want to create a new Setting Goals sheet
once you’ve reached your one year goals. You can find an
additional Setting Goals sheet at the end of
this chapter (along with another My Resources, Actions Steps,
and My Monthly Plan).
Supporting (3 Month) Goal: Supporting (6 Month) Goal:
Date of Completion:Date of Completion: Date of Completion:
VALUE:

Date:
make choices
C. Plan of Action
While our goals (both our big and supporting
goals) are like the stepping-stones we lay down
to help us realize our vision, our plan of action
is the course we set to help guide us from one
stepping-stone (goal) to the next. This course is
made up of action steps, those one-time things
and daily or weekly routine actions that get us
from one goal to the next. For instance, if we
have as a goal to exercise three times a week, the
action steps might include joining the local gym,
making an agreement with a friend to jog together
every Monday morning, or signing up for a salsa
dance class at the community center.
Even with well-defined goals, it is difficult to move
forward without knowing exactly what we need
to do. By having clearly laid out action steps, we
take the guesswork out of meeting our goals.
Now, planning out our time with this level of detail

can feel a bit overwhelming at first; it may even
seem as though we’re taking some of the fun
out of life, but not so. In fact, the clearer we are
about what we want and what we need to do to
get it, the less time and energy we spend feeling
stressed and anxious about our future, which ulti-
mately translates into a far better quality of life.
Have you ever been in a classroom where the
teacher was totally permissive, allowing the
students to do whatever they pleased? If so, you
may have found that, while it was fun at first, it
ends up feeling like a big waste of time. Without
structure, it’s hard to accomplish anything, and
without accomplishments we can feel aimless
and eventually even hopeless. By putting a plan in
place, we are giving ourselves the kind of struc-
ture we need to move forward, grow, and feel
good about our lives.
A plan of action also makes it easier to keep track
of our progress on a daily and weekly basis by
giving us immediate feedback about our choices,
and whether they are or are not supporting our
goals. So if we find that we are not reaching our
goals, we can look to our plan of action to deter-
mine exactly where it is that we’re having difficul-
ty. From there we may choose to reevaluate our
goals and possibly even create new ones.
Ultimately, a plan of action gives us a sense of
purpose, as every day comes with a mission to
accomplish. Even though there will be days when
we drop the ball, we’ll know exactly what we
need to do to pick it up again.

“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the
same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller,
Louis
Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci,
Thomas
Jefferson and Albert Einstein.”
—H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (best-selling author of Life’s Little
Instruction Book)
make choices
Exercise: My Resources
In this exercise, you’re going to brainstorm all the resources
you have available to help you fulfill your support-
ing goals. This can include people, places, and things (either
those that you have in your possession or that you
have access to).
Example 1:
Supporting Goal: Exercise regularly 1 hr, 3x/wk
Resources in Support of My Goal: Joan as a
workout buddy, local gym, community center dance
classes, motivation and exercse tips online.
Example 2:
Supporting Goal: To quit smoking

Resources in Support of My Goal: The smoking
cessation program at work, Karen who's also
quitting, my doctor, online smoking cessation
resources/chat groups.
Resources in
Support of My Goal:
Supporting
(3 Month) Goal:
Resources in
Support of My Goal:
Supporting
(6 Month) Goal:
Resources in
Support of My Goal:
Supporting
(9 Month) Goal:
Resources in
Support of My Goal:
make choices

Exercise: Plan of Action
First, write in the appropriate boxes the Value, Big (One Year)
Goal, and three Supporting Goals you identified
in the Setting Goals exercise. Then, using your My Resources
exercise, and the example below as a guide,
you're going to create action steps for each of your goals. These
are one-time actions you can take and/or
things you can do on a daily or weekly basis to help you achieve
your goals. For your big goal action steps,
keep in mind that you'll have already completed your three
supporting goals; think about what extra things you
might need to do in those last three months to reach your big
goal. Once you have completed an action step,
check it off and move on to the next one. You may also find that
you are able to work on one or more action
steps at the same time.
VALUE: Health
Supporting
(3 Month) Goal:
Quit smoking
Supporting
(6 Month) Goal:
Exercise 1 hr, 3x/wk
Supporting
(9 Month) Goal:
Get to a healthier

weight
Big (One Year)
Goal:
To be in top physical
condition
Action Steps:
1
Join a smoking
cessation group.
Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps:
1 1 1
2
Cut down by one
cigarette a day.
2 2 2
3
Take a walk instead
of a cigarette break
at work.
3 3 3
Jog 1 mile with Joan
every Mon. morning
before work.
Take aerobics class

1x/wk at the gym.
Go salsa dancing at
the community cen-
ter Thursday nights.
Replace usual burger
at lunch with a tuna
sandwich.
Make a shopping list
of healthy alterna-
tives to my usual
snacks and desserts.
Sign up for a health
newsletter online.
Jog 2 miles with Joan.
Cut out all fast food.
Start training for
local marathon.
Date: 10/26/10 Date: 7/26/10 Date: 4/26/10 Date:
1/26/10
make choices

Exercise: Plan of Action
VALUE:
Supporting
(3 Month) Goal:
Supporting
(6 Month) Goal:
Supporting
(9 Month) Goal:
Big (One Year)
Goal:
Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps: Action Steps:
3 3 3 3
Date: Date: Date: Date:
1 1 1 1
2 2 2 2
make choices

Exercise: Time Management Rx
Making a plan also means that we need to make some changes—
cutting back, cutting out, or adding activities
and commitments to our schedule. This can be tough; as much
as we want things to get better, many of us are
reluctant, or downright afraid to make a change. With
everything you just learned about your values and goals,
look back at your Time Management Snapshot and consider
whether or not you still agree with your original
evaluation of your weekly activities. Then, fill in the Time
Management Rx using the example below as a guide.
Cutting Down or Out
When considering what non-essentials you could cut down on,
or cut out altogether, it may help to ask yourself
the following questions: How important is this to me? Is it in
line with my values and goals? How would it affect
my life if I stopped doing it? There may be things that you
enjoy doing but that are taking valuable time away
from more productive activities; see if you can commit to
spending a bit less time on them. Try it for a week and
see how you do without them. If you don’t miss them too much,
then you’ll know it wasn’t something essential
to your life right now. NOTE: Particularly if any of the
commitments you’re thinking about eliminating involve
other people, consider carefully the implications of your
decision.
Activities to cut down on
or cut out
Maximum amount of time per
day or per week that I want to

spend on this activity is:
Any special arrangements
needed to make that happen
Example: Facebook 10 minutes a day Set an alarm for 10
minutes
Things I want to do more of, or
add into my schedule?
Time I want to spend
on this activity
Any special arrangements
needed to make that happen
Example: Practicing the guitar 3x/wk for 30 minutes
Make agreement with my family
to have this as private time
make choices
Exercise: My Monthly Plan
Now you’re going to use your My Resources, Plan of Action

and Time Management Rx exercises to help you
create a monthly plan in support of your goals. First, choose
two to three things you feel confident you can
accomplish in the coming week and write them in Week One. Be
sure to include those things you want to do
every day or every week (e.g. study for 30 minutes a day).
Then, follow the same method for weeks two, three
and four. Once you’ve completed your My Monthly Plan, you
can plug it into your date book. When creating
your daily schedule, try to give yourself a realistic amount of
time for each action step including travel and tran-
sition time. NOTE: If you find that unforeseen obstacles or
extenuating circumstances keep you from getting
things done at the planned time, it’s okay to move them to the
following week (do beware of excuses though!).
NOTE: At the end of this book you will find blank versions of
the following exercises: Setting
Goals, My Resources, Plan of Action, and My Monthly Plan.
Week 4Week 3Week 2Week 1
make choices
Human beings, unlike many other creatures in the
animal kingdom, need support from the minute
they’re born. As we mature, we grow from being

children completely reliant on others, to being self-
reliant adults. Independent and self-sufficient as we
may feel, however, we still need a support system to
realize our full potential and create the best possible
quality of life for ourselves. So what exactly does that
mean, and who might be included?
Our support system is one of our greatest resources,
and it’s made up of the people that promote and
encourage our growth and success. This may include
family, friends, teachers, coworkers, community
members, mentors, religious leaders, supervisors,
neighbors, and even pets or other animals in our
lives. As this range indicates, this group is often quite
diverse and growing all the time, an advantage that
means we can rely on different people for different
things, instead of depending on one person for
everything all the time.
Even with our support system in place, it may still be
difficult to acknowledge when we need a hand, and
harder still to actually ask for it. However, the benefits
can be immense. Utilizing our support system can
help us to: get advice and perspective on challenging
personal situations, give us an opportunity for healthy
venting (a compassionate ear), stay safe in poten-
tially dangerous circumstances, counter feelings of
isolation, manage difficult people in our lives, better
handle both emotional and physical challenges and
concerns, organize and prioritize when our schedule
is overwhelming us, and remind us that someone
cares about us and has our best interest at heart.
In this chapter, we’re going to identify those people
in our lives who are our best sources of support, as
well as those people who may be acting as stumbling

blocks in the way of our success. We’ll also figure
out how to expand our network by examining what
potential allies may currently be off our radar screen.
The following quiz has traveled the world and
the web. Take it and see how you do:
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman Trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss
America Pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel
or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award
winners for best actor or actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series
winners.
The point: None of us remembers the headliners
of yesterday. These are not second-rate achiev-
ers. They are the best in their fields. But the
applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are
forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried
with their owners.
Here’s another quiz. See how you do with
this one:
1. List two teachers who aided your journey
through school.
2. Name two friends who have helped you

through a difficult time.
3. Name two people who have taught you
something worthwhile.
4. Think of two people who have made you
feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of two people you enjoy spending
time with.
6. Name two people whose stories have
inspired you.
Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference
in our lives are not the ones with the most creden-
tials, the most money or the most awards. They
are the ones who care.
Check it Out
What Works: A Support System2.
make choices

A. Identifying Allies and Saboteurs
Because most of us have many different kinds of
relationships in our lives, it can be difficult to say
definitively who is a part of our support system. We
may think of our support system as simply being the
people we spend the most time with, or perhaps we
think of our family alone as our support system. One
way of determining who already is, and who could
become, a part of our support system is by looking
closely at the people in our lives and asking ourselves
whether they are: 1) an ally, someone we feel sure has
our best interest at heart; 2) a saboteur, someone who
sabotages us, either actively as a 'detractor,' or pas-
sively as a 'negative influence,' or 3) an 'uncertain,'
someone who goes back and forth between being an
ally and a saboteur depending upon the circumstance.
Let’s explore these categories in a little more depth to
better identify which people in our lives might be play-
ing which role.
Allies
Allies are people who consistently make a positive
contribution to our lives. They come in all forms, from
all different parts of our lives (work, community, family,
etc.). Whatever their generation or background, they
tend to be people with whom we share a common
set of values, particularly with regards to relationships
and how we think people should be treated. Allies
often make us feel better about ourselves, about
possibilities for the future, and about life in general,
and they directly or indirectly help support our goals.
In the game of life, we can think of our allies as the
people on our team, all of whom want to see us win.
Just as with a sports team, however, each ally may
have unique strengths and weaknesses, and we

may come to depend on different people for differ-
ent things. For example, we might call on a particular
friend for compassion and advice during times of
personal crisis, but we don’t call them when we’re
overwhelmed because their methods for managing
stress don’t work for us. We may find that an older
relative doesn’t understand or relate to our current life
goals, and so can’t help with those specifically, but
that we really value our weekly conversations with
them as a reminder of their concern and love for us.
We may be able to depend on some allies on a regular
basis, while others may not be as accessible, though
they can still be counted on when really needed.
Saboteurs
Very simply, a saboteur is someone who sabotages
us, whether intentionally or unintentionally, as we
set and go after our goals. Most of us have at least
one saboteur in our lives, though we may not realize
it because they are often people we consider allies.
There are those who intentionally try to sabotage us
(who we’ll call 'detractors'), perhaps by mocking or
poking fun at our dreams or actively putting obstacles
in our way, and those who encourage our destructive
habits, bring us down, and just generally have a nega-
tive influence on our lives (who we’ll call 'negative
influences'). It’s critical to our success that we identify
the saboteurs in our lives and determine how best to
diminish or eradicate their impact on our lives.
Detractors
Detractors are the most actively negative people in
our lives. They consistently make us feel badly about
ourselves, our future, or life in general. Detractors may
not relate to or understand our aspirations, so they tell

us that our goals are foolish, impossible, or a waste
of time, and often try to undermine us. For example,
if we’ve made a commitment to quit smoking and are
hanging around a detractor who smokes, they may
continually offer us cigarettes, tell us it’s not really that
bad for us, or make a big show out of “enjoying” their
cigarette in front of us. Like the critic posing as the
coach, detractors will often claim to have our best in-
terests at heart, even when they criticize us and tell us
that we’ll never succeed (e.g. “I’m telling you this for
your own good.”). They may even believe it. Regard-
less, it’s important that we see their behavior for what
it is: sabotage.
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambi-
tions. Small people always do that, but the really great
make you feel that you, too, can become great.” —Mark
make choices
Negative Influences
Negative influences may not stand in overt opposition
to our goals, but their outlook and/or behavior none-
theless inhibits our ability to achieve them. Typically,
these types of saboteurs have a cynical or pessimis-
tic outlook; as negative attitudes can be contagious,
spending too much time with these people can be

detrimental to our success. Negative influences can
also come in the form of destructive behaviors; for
instance, if we are trying to get our degree and need
to devote much of our time to school work, socializing
primarily with people who prioritize partying over edu-
cation may make our goal of succeeding in school a
more challenging one. As negative influences tend to
lack goals or a life direction themselves, they may not
understand or relate to ours; often these people don’t
want us to change and/or simply don’t see the need
for it. Also, because we may see in them aspects of
ourselves that we want to change, negative influences
can really get under our skin. As such, it can be dif-
ficult to stay motivated or make constructive choices
around them. Negative influences are not a lost cause
however, and in the next few pages we’ll look at some
tactics we can use to get them on our side.
Uncertains
The uncertains are the people in our lives who can’t
clearly be placed in either of these categories. Often
this is someone who seems to make both positive and
negative contributions to our lives in equal measure,
or someone who, for whatever reason, we can’t quite
get a handle on. This might be a boss who never gives
us a hard time, but also never compliments our work,
or a friend who always knows what to say, but who
can never follow through because something always
seems to get in the way. As we go about building and
maintaining a healthy support system, it’s increasingly
important to determine whether the uncertains are
actually allies or saboteurs.
How Can We Tell The Difference?
When we bring to mind anyone we spend a lot of
time with, we probably get an initial gut reaction—the

thought of them might, for example, make us smile,
feel anxious, or comforted. Although this might be a
reasonably good indicator of who is an ally and who is
not, the distinction is not always an easy one to make.
Sometimes the people we rely on and think well of are
not actually looking out for our best interest, but be-
cause we feel like we need them, we choose to over-
look some of the telling signs. There are also those
people who have offered a helping hand, but because
we don’t believe we have much in common with them,
we've never thought of them as an ally.
In determining what role someone plays in our sup-
port system, it can help to set aside our feelings about
them for a moment and take a close look at their ac-
tions. As the saying goes, “actions speak louder than
words,” and examining someone’s actions can tell us
a lot about who they are, whether ally or a saboteur.
If we’re wondering about someone specifically, we
might try to be more observant when we’re around
them, to take notice of who is consistently generous,
helps others, and looks out for their friends, as well as
those who regularly put other people down, and just
generally don’t treat people well. No matter how cool
these people may seem in other ways, unless their
behavior changes dramatically, they are not likely to
serve as allies in our lives.
We can’t forget our own part!
In our efforts to determine whether someone is an ally
or saboteur, it’s important to be honest about our own
contribution to the relationship: are we acting as an
ally for them, or are we possibly acting as a detractor
or a negative influence in some way? By demonstrat-
ing the qualities we most value in other people, we
encourage them to do the same. Only then are we

really able to see who’s who.
make choices
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c
o
lu
m
n
s
th
e
fi
ve
q

u
a
lit
ie
s
yo
u
m
o
st
v
a
lu
e
in
a
f
ri
e
n
d
/c
o
m
p
a

n
io
n
(
e
.g
.
c
o
m
p
a
ss
io
n
,
se
n
se
o
f
h
u
m
o
r,

re
lia
b
ili
ty
,
h
o
n
e
st
y,
o
p
ti
m
is
m
,
e
tc
.)
.
F
o

r
e
a
c
h
p
e
rs
o
n
,
yo
u
’r
e
g
o
in
g
t
o
c
ir
c
le

t
h
e
+
s
ig
n
f
o
r
th
o
se
q
u
a
lit
ie
s
yo
u
f
e
e
l t
h

e
y
a
b
so
lu
te
ly
p
o
ss
e
ss
e
s,
t
h
e
–
s
ig
n
f
o
r

th
o
se
q
u
a
lit
ie
s
yo
u
f
e
e
l
th
e
y
d
e
fin
it
e
ly
d
o

n
o
t
p
o
ss
e
ss
,
a
n
d
t
h
e
+
/-
s
ig
n
f
o
r
th
o
se

q
u
a
lit
ie
s
th
e
y
d
e
m
o
n
st
ra
te
o
n
ly
s
o
m
e
ti
m

e
s.
N
e
xt
,
w
ri
te
in
a
n
y
e
vi
d
e
n
c
e
o
r
sp
e
c
ifi

c
e
xa
m
p
le
s
o
f
th
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p
e
rs
o
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it
h
e
r
d
e
m
o

n
st
ra
ti
n
g
t
h
a
t
q
u
a
lit
y
(e
.g
.
if
re
lia
b
ili
ty
is
t
h

e
v
al
u
e
,
yo
u
m
ig
h
t
w
ri
te
,
“S
h
e
a
lw
a
ys
s
h
o
w

s
u
p
w
h
e
n
s
h
e
s
a
ys
sh
e
w
ill
.”
)
o
r
n
o
t
d

e
m
o
n
st
ra
ti
n
g
t
h
a
t
q
u
a
lit
y
(e
.g
.
if
th
e
v
al
u

e
is
c
o
m
p
a
ss
io
n
,
yo
u
m
ig
h
t
w
ri
te
,
“H
e
d
id
n

’t
s
h
o
w
a
n
y
c
o
n
c
e
rn
f
o
r
m
e
w
h
e
n
I
w
a

s
si
c
k.
”)
,
a
n
d
if
y
o
u
c
ir
c
le
d
t
h
e
+
/-
,
th
e
n

a
n
e
xa
m
p
le
f
o
r
b
o
th
o
f
th
e
se
.
F
ri
e
n
d

/C
o
m
p
a
n
io
n
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+

/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-

–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–

+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+

+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+

+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+
/-
–
+
+

/-
–
+
+
/-
–
make choices
P
a
rt
2
:

W
h
o
I
s
M
a
k
in
g
a
P
o
s
it
iv
e
C
o
n
tr
ib
u
ti
o

n
t
o
M
y
L
if
e
?
N
o
w
y
o
u
’r
e
g
o
in
g
t
o
g

o
a
li
tt
le
d
e
e
p
e
r
b
y
a
sk
in
g
y
o
u
rs
e
lf
so

m
e
t
o
u
g
h
b
u
t
h
e
lp
fu
l q
u
e
st
io
n
s
a
b
o
u

t
th
e
se
s
a
m
e
fi
ve
p
e
o
p
le
.
W
h
e
n
a
n
sw
e
ri
n

g
t
h
e
f
o
llo
w
in
g
q
u
e
st
io
n
s,
t
ry
n
o
t
to
o
ve

r-
th
in
k,
b
u
t
in
st
e
a
d
ju
st
g
iv
e
y
o
u
r
g
u
t-
le

ve
l r
e
sp
o
n
se
.
It
c
a
n
b
e
d
if-
fic
u
lt
t
o
b
e
t
h
is

b
ru
ta
lly
h
o
n
e
st
,
e
sp
e
c
ia
lly
a
b
o
u
t
p
e
o
p

le
y
o
u
lo
ve
a
n
d
/o
r
d
e
p
e
n
d
o
n
.
R
e
m
e
m

b
e
r
th
o
u
g
h
,
th
is
e
xe
rc
is
e
is
f
o
r
th
e
p
u
rp

o
se
s
o
f
g
a
th
e
ri
n
g
in
fo
rm
a
ti
o
n
,
in
fo
rm
a
ti
o

n
w
h
ic
h
m
a
y
c
h
a
n
g
e
in
t
h
e
f
u
tu
re
,
a
n
d

w
h
ic
h
y
o
u
c
a
n
u
se
w
h
e
n
e
ve
r,
a
n
d
in
w

h
a
te
ve
r
w
a
y
yo
u
d
e
e
m
a
p
p
ro
p
ri
a
te
.
In
t
h
e

c
h
a
rt
b
e
lo
w
Y
E
S
=
Y,
N
O
=
N
a
n
d
S
O
M
E
T

IM
E
S
=
S
.
1
.
I
fe
e
l l
ik
e
w
e
a
g
re
e
a
b
o
u

t
h
o
w
p
e
o
p
le
s
h
o
u
ld
b
e
t
re
a
te
d
.
2
.
I

fe
e
l g
o
o
d
a
b
o
u
t
m
ys
e
lf
w
h
e
n
I
’m
w
it
h
t
h

is
p
e
rs
o
n
.
3
.
I
fe
e
l g
o
o
d
a
b
o
u
t
lif
e
in
g

e
n
e
ra
l (
o
p
ti
m
is
ti
c
)
w
h
e
n
I
’m
w
it
h
t
h
is
p
e

rs
o
n
.
4
.
T
h
is
p
e
rs
o
n
a
c
c
e
p
ts
m
e
f
o
r
w

h
o
I
a
m
.
5
.
T
h
e
y
su
p
p
o
rt
m
y
g
o
a
ls
w
it
h

v
e
rb
a
l e
n
c
o
u
ra
g
e
m
e
n
t.
6
.
T
h
e
y
su
p
p
o

rt
m
y
g
o
a
ls
w
it
h
a
c
ti
o
n
(
ta
ke
s
p
e
c
ifi
c
a
c

ti
o
n
s
to
h
e
lp
m
e
a
c
h
ie
ve
m
y
g
o
a
ls
).
7
.

T
h
is
p
e
rs
o
n
h
a
s
b
e
e
n
t
h
e
re
f
o
r
m
e
w
h
e

n
I
’v
e
n
e
e
d
e
d
t
h
e
m
.
8
.
It
f
e
e
ls
li
ke
t
h

is
p
e
rs
o
n
r
e
a
lly
w
a
n
ts
t
o
s
e
e
m
e
s
u
c
c
e
e
d

.
9
.
I
fe
e
l l
ik
e
t
h
e
b
e
st
a
sp
e
c
ts
o
f
m
y

p
e
rs
o
n
a
lit
y
c
o
m
e
o
u
t
w
h
e
n
I’
m
w
it
h
t
h
is

p
e
rs
o
n
.
1
0
.
I
fe
e
l u
n
d
e
rs
to
o
d
w
h
e
n
I
’m

w
it
h
t
h
is
p
e
rs
o
n
.
1
1
.
T
h
is
p
e
rs
o
n
t
re
a
ts

m
e
w
it
h
r
e
sp
e
c
t.
1
2
.
T
h
is
p
e
rs
o
n
is
h
o
n

e
st
w
it
h
m
e
.
1
3
.
T
h
is
p
e
rs
o
n
d
o
e
s
w
h
a
t

th
e
y
sa
y
th
e
y’
re
g
o
in
g
t
o
d
o
.
1
4
.
I
fe
e
l s

a
fe
w
it
h
t
h
is
p
e
rs
o
n
.
1
5
.
T
h
is
p
e
rs
o
n
w
o

u
ld
g
o
o
u
t
o
f
th
e
ir
w
a
y
fo
r
m
e
.
Y
N
S

(o
r
in
it
ia
ls
)
make choices
Part 3: The Assessment
The following assessment will give you a sense of how much of
a positive or negative contribution each of these
people is making to your life. First, for each person, you’re
going to add up the number of + answers you gave
from Part 1 of this exercise and the number of Y (YES) answers
you gave in Part 2, and write the number in the
appropriate space below. Now add together the amount of –
answers from Part 1 and N (NO) answers from
Part 2 for each person, and write that number in. Finally, add up
the number of +/- answers from Part 1, and
S (SOMETIMES) answers from Part 2, and fill in the
appropriate space. Multiply where indicated, add up each

person’s total number of points, and then refer to the assessment
below for an idea of how this person may be
affecting your life. NOTE: For any of these people, you may
want to add up to five points for any positive quality
or contribution you feel is significant but was not brought out in
the previous two exercises.
1-5 = Absolute Saboteur: This person is actively
attempting to keep you from succeeding.
6-10 = Saboteur: Whether or not it’s intentional, this per-
son is standing in the way of you achieving your goals.
11-15 = Mostly (or Potential) Saboteur: While this person
may occasionally offer something positive, they more
consistently make a negative contribution. Depending upon
how much influence they have in your life, they could be
standing in the way of your success.
16-20 = Saboteur/Ally: This person does make some posi-
tive contribution, but just as often has a negative influence
on your life, possibly acting as a detractor at times.
21-25 = Ally/Saboteur: This person makes both a positive
and negative contribution to your life, but you see more
potential for them to become an ally than a saboteur.
26-30 = Mostly (or Potential) Ally: Though certain things
this person does or aspects of their personality may at
times keep you from being 100% sure of their ally status,
they likely bring a lot of good into your life.
31-35 = Ally: Though this person may not always express
their support in the way you’d like, you know through their
actions that they support your goals and want to see you
succeed.

36-40 = Absolute Ally: You feel this person is absolutely
on your team, has your best interest at heart, and will come
through for you when you need them.
NOTE: Again, it’s important to ask: are we demonstrating
the qualities we’ve identified as valuing in other people?
If not, is it possible that doing so might bring out those
qualities in them?
Person 1:
How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = _______
How many - and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0____
How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = _______
TOTAL = _______Points
Person 2:
How many + and Y answers? ______ x 2 = ______
How many - and N answers? ______ x 0 = __0___
How many +/- and S answers? ______ x 1 = ______
TOTAL = ______ Points
Person 3:
Person 4:

Person 5:
Scores
make choices
The next step in creating a solid support system is figur-
ing out how to use the information we’ve gathered thus
far. With regard to our allies, it’s important to find ways
of letting them know we appreciate the positive con-
tribution they’re making to our lives; even a brief thank
you note can really make someone feel appreciated and
encourage their further support. With all those people
we can’t confidently call allies, we need to determine
how to either get them on our team, or, in the case of

an absolute saboteur, simply lessen the negative effect
they have on our lives.
Learn to identify them. We don’t always realize
when someone is being a detractor. If it’s a close
friend, family member, or other trusted person who
is scoffing at our dreams, we may listen to what
they’re saying without ever considering the dam-
age it’s doing. The bottom line is, if you find your-
self discouraged or feeling like giving up when you
speak with them, then you can be fairly sure this
person is a saboteur. But this doesn’t mean they
can’t change!
Keep them small. Most of us have at least one
saboteur in our lives, if not more. While we may not
be able to completely avoid them, we don’t need to
listen to them, give them a big role in our lives, or
internalize what they’ve said. Remember, we decide
how much importance to place on what people say.
See if they have a valid point. Though it may feel
like pessimism, sometimes the person is just try-
ing to be realistic. Step back and objectively think
about whether they are bringing up a real obstacle
that must be overcome. If so, reassure yourself that
obstacles are rarely insurmountable.
Zap any negative thoughts. Some saboteurs
have a way of transferring their negative thoughts to
us. If we take them on, what may start out as a seed
of doubt can grow into a sky-high tree of doubt
that obscures our view of a better future. In order
to keep negativity from overpowering our potential
for positive change, we’ll want to shift our self-talk
toward the supportive.

Keep it light. Sometimes people are uncomfortable
when we make a change, and to ease their discom-
fort, they make jokes or tease us. If this is someone
we feel is really an ally, then their behavior probably
has less to do with us than something going on
with them. We’d do best in this case to realize that
it’s not personal, and either laugh with them or let it
go. Doing this often disarms the person; they may
continue to make jokes, but it won’t create tension
or have as negative an effect on us.
Get them on our side. Sometimes the detrac-
tor is someone we cannot ignore, in which case
it’s best to enlist their help rather than fight them.
We will first want to acknowledge their doubts, and
then let them know how great it would be to have
their support. Making someone feel important and
needed can often turn our worst detractor into our
greatest ally.
Educate them. Sometimes people are just misin-
formed, and it might be a misunderstanding about
our plans that causes them to react in a negative
way. We can address this by thinking through the
person's potential arguments, doing some research
to back up our decision, and perhaps even writing
out our reasoning. This will help us to educate them
and potentially win them over. Even if we’re not able
to win their support, this approach helps to keep
their arguments from creating doubt in our minds.
Be secure in the knowledge that we are doing
something good. In the case of detractors that
we can’t win over, can’t avoid, or can’t laugh with,

what we can do is remind ourselves that our goals
have nothing to do with them. They are for our own
benefit, and achieving them will be our reward for
enduring this person.
Create space between us and them. To deal
effectively with certain detractors, we may need to
create emotional and sometimes physical distance
from them. If this person is verbally dismissive,
we might choose to not discuss our goals with
them, but to stick with other topics instead. If they
are actively trying to get us off track (e.g. pushing
cigarettes on us when we’re trying to quit), we might
choose to see them only in situations where their
actions won’t affect us (e.g. where/when they won’t
be smoking). In more extreme cases, where the
relationship seems truly damaging, we may choose
to respectfully let them know that we need support-
ive people in our lives, and that we would like to be
friends again if, at some point in the future, they feel
they can be that kind of person.
B. Tips for Dealing with Detractors (and Creating Allies)
1
2
3
4
5
6

7
8
9
make choices
Activity: Role-Play
The following activity will give you an opportunity to practice
handling detractors using the previous tips.
Whether or not the scenarios below directly reflect your own
life experience, practicing with them can help you
deal with any similar situations that may come up in the future.
In pairs, read the scenarios below and then act
out each of the scenes according to the directions given, taking
turns with each role.
Scenario 1
The (future) Student: You have just enrolled at a
school that you are very excited about (use the details
of your current school or one you hope to enroll in
sometime in the future). You see this as an important
step in building your future and you want to share
your excitement with your closest friend. You assume
they will be supportive and are surprised when they’re

not. In the conversation with your friend, your goal is
to get them to understand why this is so important
to you. Before you begin, reread the Tips for Deal-
ing with Detractors, specifically tips #3-8. It may
also help to review the Constructive Communication
Strategies from Chapter 2, page 161, which will help
you to keep the conversation respectful.
The Detractor: Ultimately you do want the best for
your friend, but you really depend on them and know
that if they're in school, then you’re not going to have
as much of their time and energy. You hate change
and this is a big one, so you try to get them to change
their mind about going. One of your tactics is to con-
vince them that their dreams are unrealistic and they’d
be better just keeping things the way they are.
Scenario 2
The (future) Student: The situation is basically the
same, but this time your ‘friend’ is more aggressively
trying to dissuade you from going to school. You’ll
want to try to determine whether or not it’s worth try-
ing to educate them about your goals or if you’d be
better off simply diffusing their anger and lessening
their desire to stand in your way. As you engage with
this person, keep in mind the coach’s #1 rule for em-
powered self-expression: always maintain your dignity.
The Detractor: You don’t have any goals for yourself
and feel jealous of the fact that your friend does. You
also feel sure that if they go to school—and especially
if they succeed there—they will start looking down on
you, and possibly no longer want to be your friend.
You’re not about to let anyone think they’re bet-
ter than you, or drop you as a friend, so one of your

tactics is to try to convince them that they’ll never be
able to succeed in school.
NOTE: Feel free to use a scenario theme other than
school; any new path or project will work equally well.
Talk it Out
In the role of student:
• How effectively do you feel you dealt with the
detractor in each scenario? Were you able to
utilize the Tips for Dealing with Detractors?
• What did you find most challenging about
the interaction?
• What, if anything, did you discover about
yourself doing this activity? Did you notice
any aspects of your self-picture or outlook
being expressed?
• If you’ve dealt with similar kinds of situations
in the past, did it turn out as you would have
liked? If not, what (if any) of the tips could
you have used for a better outcome?
When considering the possibility that
people in our lives might be impeding
our growth, a lot of mixed emotions are
bound to come up; we may feel angry,
disappointed or even fearful. While it’s
important to acknowledge and, in some
cases, outwardly express our feelings, it’s
also critical to our success to keep them
in perspective.

Final Thought
make choices
C. Expanding Our Network of Support
Check it Out
Allies Can Come from Anywhere
"…I learned at a very early age, to project hatred
with a passion, on everyone around me, and also
as a means of survival and staying safe from pain
and suffering. The end result of this distorted
belief system, was that for the next 30 years, I
kept myself in bondage to addictions and long-
term incarcerations…[Until] I crossed paths with
a…72-year-old retired Sheriff’s Officer, who was
employed part-time as a Correctional Officer. I
was assigned to him as a barber. Little did I know
that this little guy would become the pivotal force
in my life. He became the first person to bat-
ter me with kindness, and called me all kinds of
weird, strange, alien and bizarre names, such as:
admirable, remarkable, and trusting person…
Now, this weirdo had faith and trust in me! I
remember thinking, “What was wrong with this
dude?!” However, those simple acts of empower-

ment, and allowing me to know and trust myself
and understand that I was a valuable person, has
had a profound effect on my life.
Today…to the best of my ability, I smile and
project love toward others. Today, I’m a licensed
& registered addictions therapist/counselor. I
co-facilitate meditation retreats in prisons, and
I teach a graduate class at a local university.
All because another human being had the cour-
age to take a risk with me. I’ve had no treatment
interventions, no burning bushes, or laying on
of hands; just a simple loving individual that
mirrored (projected) every single exquisite quality
that he possessed on another human…”
—The Foundation for a Better Life, author anony-
mous (An unedited version of this story can be
found at www.values.com/stories/15-The-Only-
quot-Enabler-quot-in-My-Life)
A strong, sustainable support system is always ex-
panding and evolving. We have already taken a hard
look at many of the people in our lives, and figured out
how they may fit into our support system, but might
there be potential allies already in our lives that we’ve
overlooked? Certainly there are many we have yet to
meet.
It’s All About Who You Know
One of the best places to start our search is in our
personal contact list. Taking a few minutes to scroll
through the contacts stored in our phone and/or
email address book can help us identify people who,
for whatever reason, we may not have thought of as
potential sources of support. This might include, for

example, an ally with whom we’ve lost touch, or a
friendly acquaintance we’ve not pursued a friendship
with, perhaps because we’ve mistakenly assumed
we don’t have much in common with them. Thinking
about the places we spend time, and the activities
we’re involved in, may also offer up a number of po-
tential allies. When we open ourselves to opportunity,
life often proves that there’s plenty of it, and some-
times in the places we least expect!
Branching out
Another way to expand our support system is by
trying new things; we might take up a hobby, start a
meet-up group (www.meetup.com), join a club, take
a class, or volunteer. Volunteering gives us an oppor-
tunity to get to know our community from a unique
perspective, and is one of the very best ways of find-
ing potentially supportive people and making mean-
ingful connections.
NOTE: Although we tend to think of our support
system as being comprised solely of people, there are
non-human sources of support that are equally valu-
able, including a loving pet, or even a location (e.g. a
peaceful library, a bookstore, or a nearby park).
make choices

Exercise: My Social Circle
A helpful way to identify both current and potential sources of
support is by looking at where you spend your
time—the many places you go and activities you’re involved
with. Fill in the boxes below with the names of those
people you know from these various areas of your life, and who
you already consider a part of your support
system (you may want to refer to your My Resources exercise
for more ideas). Then, list anyone else (includ-
ing acquaintances) from these areas that you could see
becoming a part of your support system. If any of your
activities are not listed, and/or there are some that you plan to,
but have not yet gotten involved with, list them
under Other Activities.
Home School
Work Kids
Community Activities/
Volunteering
Gym/Sports
Religious
Hobbies
Other Activities ( _____________________________ )
You

make choices
What Works: Self-Support
“Up to a point a man's life is shaped by environment, hered-
ity, and movements and changes in the world about him; then
there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the
clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Everyone
has it within his power to say, this I am today, that I shall be to-
morrow.”
Treating Ourselves as
We Want to be Treated
The golden rule tells us that we should treat
others as we want to be treated, but we often
forget the importance of treating ourselves
like we want to be treated. It’s worth looking
at the qualities we identified as valuing most
in our friends—whether they included honesty,
reliability, kindness, or patience—and ask-
ing, “Am I demonstrating those qualities in my
relationship with myself?" Are we support-
ing ourselves in the same way we want to be
supported by others? While our friends, family,
colleagues, and others make up our external
support system, only we can provide ourselves
with the internal support (what we’ll call self-
support) necessary for our success. But what
does that really entail? Self-support means

doing whatever we need to do to ensure our
physical, mental and emotional well-being.
To that end, we will spend this next section
developing tools to help us reduce our stress,
manage difficult emotions, and keep our-
selves motivated.
Why Do We Need Self-Support?
While other people can, and ideally will, pro-
vide a good deal of the support in our lives,
a true sense of empowerment comes from
knowing that we can depend, first and fore-
most, on ourselves. While utilizing our support
system is indeed one of the ways we take care
of ourselves, it’s important to do so in a con-
scious, constructive way. That means not rely-
ing on others to do things for us that we are
capable of doing for ourselves, and not asking
more of people than they are realistically able
to do. With focused effort, we can expect to
have many fulfilling accomplishments in our
lives, but we can’t be certain that someone
else will always be there to help us keep a
clear head, encourage us along the way, or
congratulate us when we’ve reached our goal.
With self-support, we make up for whatever
might be lacking in our support system and
ensure ongoing personal and professional
success by becoming our own biggest fan
and most active supporter. Depending on
ourselves is the first step in a sustainably
productive supportive cycle—we set out to
accomplish something, meet our goal, get
positive encouragement and reassurance from

ourselves and likely others, we feel more em-
powered, and then we set out to accomplish
something even more ambitious, beginning the
cycle again.
3.
make choices
What is Stress?
Many of us feel anxious, tired, emotional, or just
generally out of whack, but can’t identify the cause.
More often than not, the reason is stress. But what
really is stress? Stress is our bodies’ natural response
to any stimulus or situation we perceive as being
threatening or unpleasant (e.g. fear or pain). Stress
disrupts the body’s natural balance and can put us in
“fight or flight mode,” where the heart rate increases,
blood pressure rises, and muscles tense up. Although
stress is a physical reaction, it affects our emotions
and often leaves us feeling irritable, depressed, and/or
anxious. What causes stress is different for everyone;
so too is the way it manifests, and how each of us
deals with it. For example, as a result of a demand-
ing job, one person may get stress-related headaches
which they cope with by eating lots of sugar. Some-
one else in the same situation may find that they can"t

sleep and cope by watching TV all night. In addition
to the aforementioned physical and emotional symp-
toms, stress can disturb our sleep, create physical
pain, give us digestive problems, cause headaches,
increase our susceptibility to illness, make it difficult
to concentrate, cause skin problems, and/or a gen-
eral feeling of melancholy. We may not even realize
we’re stressed until we get run down, sick, or have a
surprisingly strong emotional reaction to something
seemingly insignificant (e.g. exploding angrily at the
cashier after waiting on a long line). The good news,
however, is that even the most stressed out among us
can learn how to manage this reaction and/or elimi-
nate it altogether.
Identifying Sources of Stress
In order to effectively combat stress, we first need to
know where it’s coming from. While we often think of
stress as being solely the result of external circum-
stances (e.g. time commitments, family matters, work-
related issues), it is also due to a counterproductive
or disempowering perception of these circumstances
(and the self-talk it often generates). For instance, if
we have a lot to get done on a given day and focus
solely on how little time we have, we will probably
spend time stressing out and not accomplish all we
set out to do. If, on the other hand, we have a more
optimistic outlook, assure ourselves that we’ll get it all
done and make a plan to do it, then we’re much less
likely to feel stressed and, because we’re not fight-
ing through the excess tension, are more likely to get
everything done.
As the example shows, our internal handling of a
given situation (our perception and/or self-talk) deter-

mines to a large degree how we handle it externally,
that is, what we actually do when faced with these
circumstances. Just as with our self-expression,
our handling of stress—both internally and exter-
nally—can be either reactive (emotional, impulsive) or
responsive (thoughtful, conscientious, constructive). A
reaction to a perceived stressor (e.g. numerous com-
mitments on a given day) might be to send ourselves
a negative self-message (e.g. “I can’t deal with all
this”), and then engage in destructive behaviors (e.g.
losing our temper) and feel worse about ourselves,
which then causes more stress. Conversely, a stress-
diffusing response to the same situation might be
to send ourselves a reassuring self-message (e.g.
“I always get everything done”), and give ourselves
a healthy outlet for any tension we’re experiencing
as soon as we’re able (e.g. taking a bath or a walk).
When we act responsively, we address our stress as
soon as possible and prevent tension from building
to an explosive point. The bottom line is that, while
external circumstances are often out of our control,
we have the tools to handle them in a healthy, self-
supporting way.
A. Reducing Stress
Think About It
How many of you are aware of having stress in your lives? Is it
a constant state, or something that comes
as the result of certain situations? What are some of the things
that trigger your stress (e.g. lack of time,
living with a difficult person or in challenging circumstances,
physical health issues, finances)? How do
you know when you’re stressed—are you aware of it in your
body and/or your mind (your thoughts/self-
talk)? How do you typically handle stress, and do you find that

your methods are effective? How do you
think stress might be getting in the way of your success? How
might your life look different if you were
able to significantly reduce your stress level?
make choices
The information and exercises on the following pages will help
us to further
expand our stress-reducing abilities.
Reducing Stress With Our Bodies, Minds, and Actions
Stress is a natural physiological response, and there’s no
creature on the planet that can go a full day without
experiencing at least some degree of it. Unlike humans, animals
in the wild act on their stress reactions imme-
diately, either defending themselves (“fight”) or running away
(“flight”), and then returning just as quickly to their
previous, calm state. It’s not so easy for people, however,
particularly for anyone who has grown up in stressful
circumstances and, as a result, has some (perhaps unconscious)
degree of constant anxiety. By consistently uti-
lizing the stress management tools below, though, each one of
us can learn to both manage stressful situations
better when they come up, and lower our overall stress level.
Practicing regular stress relief significantly lowers
our baseline stress level so that, while immediate

stressors/outside forces may agitate us at the moment, we suf-
fer no lasting effects. Stress reduction also has significant long-
term health benefits, including a stronger immune
system, greater resistance to cancer, heart disease, and strokes,
more energy, improved mood and memory, and
an ability to experience positive emotions (like joy) more fully.
How We Can Use Our Minds To Reduce Stress
Often, when we’re feeling overworked, overwhelmed, or just
generally stressed out, we don't take the time to
figure out what’s causing our stress, how we could handle it
more effectively, and whether or not we’re seeing
things clearly. Developing this kind of inner-awareness
however, allows us to keep tabs on our stress level at all
times, stave off any major stress reactions, and feel more in
control of our lives.
1. Identify the sources. Though it may seem like our stress is
coming from the traffic we’re stuck in, the child
that won’t stop crying, or the doctor we can never get through
to, the truth is, if those were our only sources
of stress, they probably wouldn’t get to us too much. There is
usually more contributing to our stress than
these kinds of immediate triggers; that traffic may stress us out
because we feel like we never have enough
time and now we're forced to waste what little we do have, the
crying child may wear on our nerves because
we’re exhausted from not getting enough sleep, and the
unavailable doctor may feel like just one more per-
son we can't count on. By identifying the true sources of our
stress, we equip ourselves with the information
necessary to address them. In order to discover where things
may be out of balance in our lives, or where
we need to make some changes, we may want to journal about it
or talk it out with a member of our support

system.
2. Decide to handle the situation constructively. Now that we
know the source(s) of our stress, we can ask
ourselves, “Is there anything I can do in the immediate to
improve the situation?” For instance, if somebody
is yelling at us, we can use our constructive communication
strategies to calm them down and try to reach
an understanding. We may also come to the conclusion that the
circumstances are, to some extent, out of
our control. In both cases, we are always in a position to decide
how we’re going to handle ourselves.
3. Get perspective. As soon as we have an opportunity to get
perspective on the situation, we can examine
whether there’s anything about our self-picture or outlook (any
assumptions or judgments) that could be con-
tributing to our stress. If so, how might we change it? Could we
allow for the possibility that we’re not seeing
things clearly, send ourselves more supportive self-messages,
and look at the situation and its participants
(including ourselves) with greater compassion? The closer we
look at the things that create the most stress
for us, the more useful information we have going forward.
make choices

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