4. Wordiness
A sentence is not concise simply because it is short; a concise sentence contains
only the number of words necessary to achieve its effect or to make its point.
5. Deadwood
0Wordy: There were many
factors that influenced his
decision to become a teacher.
0Concise: Many factors
influenced his decision to
become a teacher.
Unnecessary phrases that
take up space and add
nothing to meaning.
Examples
Hint: omit the filler phrases
"it is," "there is," and "there
are" at the beginning of
sentences; these often delay
the sentence's true subject
and verb.
6. 0 Wordy: They played a softball game that
was exhausting.
0 Concise: They played an exhausting
softball game.
0 Wordy: It is expensive to upgrade
computer systems.
0 Concise: Upgrading computer systems is
expensive.
7. Some familiar expressions that are
Deadwood
0There is/There are
0I feel
0I think
0It seems to me
0All things considered
0Without a doubt
0It is important to note
0In my opinion
0The reason why
0In conclusion
8. Examples of Utility Words to
Eliminate or Replace
Vague Nouns Adverbs denoting degree
0 Thing (something,
anything, everything)
0 Situation
0 Kind
0 Type
0 Aspect
0 Sort
0 Area
0Basically
0Very
0Definitely
0Quite
9. Omit "which" or "that” when
possible.
0Wordy: Because the fluid, which was
brown and poisonous, was dumped into
the river, the company that was
negligent had to shut down.
0Concise: Because the brown, poisonous
fluid was dumped into the river, the
negligent company had to shut down.
19. Miscellaneous Questions
0 Does the paper follow MLA guidelines?
0 Is the page length within assigned limits?
0 Is the font type and size within the assigned guidelines?
0 Does the Header follow the assignment guidelines?
0 Is the professor's name spelled correctly? Kim Palmore
0 Is your name spelled correctly?
0 Does the paper have a title? Is it a good title? Is the title in
the appropriate location?
0 Have you italicized book and movie titles and put stories,
articles, and poems in quotation marks.
20. Writing Tips
0Write about literature in present tense
0Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and
“anything.”
0Avoid writing in second person.
0Avoid using contractions.
0Cut Wordy Sentences
0Fix run-on sentences
0Check for misused words
0Put commas and periods inside quotation marks
22. A Work in an
Anthology, Reference, or
Collection
0 Works may include an essay in an edited collection or
anthology, or a chapter of a book. The basic form is for this
sort of citation is as follows:
0 Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection.
Ed. Editor's Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year.
Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.
0 Example:
0 Harris, Muriel. "Talk to Me: Engaging Reluctant Writers." A
Tutor's Guide: Helping Writers One to One. Ed. Ben Rafoth.
Portsmouth: Heinemann, 2000. 24-34. Print.
23. Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date of original
publication if applicable). Ed. Editor’s Name(s). City of Publication:
Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.
A Work in a Collection or Anthology
Toni Morrison
“Recitatif”
Source: Confirmation: An Anthology of African
American Women
Publisher: Morrow
Edition: 1983
Editors: Imamu Amiri Baraka & Amina Baraka
Place Published: New York
Pages 243-260
Print
Langston Hughes
“Passing”
The Ways of White Folks
New York
Vintage 1990 1934
No Editor in this case
Pages 51-55
Print
24. Recorded Films or Movies
List films by their title. Include the name of the director, the distributor, and the
release year. If relevant, list performer names after the director’s name. Use the
abbreviation perf. to head the list. End the entry with the appropriate medium
of publication (e.g. DVD, VHS, Laser disc).
Ed Wood. Dir. Tim Burton. Perf. Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah Jessica
Parker, Patricia Arquette. Touchstone, 1994. DVD.
The Human Stain
Directed by Robert Benton
Performers: Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman,
Ed Harris, and Gary Sinise.
Distributor: Miramax
Release Year: 2003
Medium: DVD
25. An Article in a Scholarly Journal
0 Always provide issue numbers, when available.
0 Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal Volume.
Issue (Year): pages. Medium of publication.
0 Example:
Bagchi, Alaknanda. "Conflicting Nationalisms: The
Voice of the Subaltern in Mahasweta Devi's Bashai
Tudu." Tulsa Studies in Women's Literature 15.1
(1996): 41-50. Print.
26. Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in Print
Cite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a
scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the
medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.
Wheelis, Mark. "Investigating Disease Outbreaks Under a Protocol to the
Biological and Toxin Weapons Convention." Emerging Infectious Diseases
6.6 (2000): 595-600. Web. 8 Feb. 2009.
Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):
pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.
Randall Kennedy
“Racial Passing”
Ohio State Law Journal
Volume 62
Issue 1145
2001
1-28
Web
8 Feb. 2013
William Pickens
“Racial Segregation”
Opportunity: Journal of Negro Life
December, 1927
364-367
Web.
8 Feb. 2013
27. Hughes, Langston.
Passing (the poem)
Phylon
Vol. 11
Issue 1
(1950)
15
Web
Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in
Print
Cite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a
scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the
medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.
Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):
pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.
29. “I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything
grownups wanted, so they would love me.” ch.2 p.13
0 This stood out to me because I think that people should be
able to be whoever they want and not have to worry about
being judged and everyone’s opinion. There is no map to how
a kid should act, everyone is different. Parents are suppose to
not worry about what you enjoy doing, or your preferences,
they are just suppose to love you unconditionally. Kids
should not have to change or try their hardest to please and
impress there parents or family, it should just happen, with
whatever they choose to be doing. Everyone has the right to
be whoever they want, no one should scare them into taking
that away. Everyone is unique in there own ways.
30. "Crow, are you a boy or a girl?"
"Caw, Caw!" (17).
0 The quote shows what horrible treatment the
character goes through just because he/she is
different. Difference is not coped with well in society
so in order for us to digest it, people make fun of it
because they feel insecure. We do not realize what we
are doing the person who is being treated badly. The
character never had the courage to stand up to the
people that kept asking him/her the question which I
wish he/she did so that he/she would feel more
confident about who he/she is.
31. “Just when it seemed like it couldn’t get worse I noticed my breasts were
growing. Menstruation didn’t bother me. Unless I bled all over myself it
was a private thing between me and my body. But breast! Boys hung out
of car windows and yelled vulgar things at me.[....]I liked my body before
puberty. Somehow I thought it would never change, not like this!” (23)
0 These lines stood out because it reminded of myself the way she
was feeling at that moment. Its like something I experience the
feeling of being uncomfortable with my own body. I was barely
entering high school. I remember that physical education was
required to be taken for two years. I was totally different back
then than what i am now. I was super shy not very social-able.
Back then I also hated that I had too. The thought of my own body
changing before my eyes. Especially when in class we had to run,
jump I felt so uncomfortable . Every boy staring and even men as
well. I would try to cover myself with large sweaters or shirts. But
I knew that there was nothing that I could do. As of today I can’t
really change anything and i still hate the fact that i keep getting
compliments about their size or how big they are.
32. There is a lot of hurt behind these
words. This is more than just admitting
someone was hurting them, this was
her accepting what society thought
and said about her. This was
acceptance of the fact that society
perceived her behavior and feelings as
“wrong.”
This quote just goes to show how
much power societal pressures have
over us, even our perception of
ourselves. It’s striking… and a little
scary.
“Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, I
finally began to agree they were right” (23)
I felt sentimental as I
read this because been
different doesn’t make
us inferior, it simply
means we are
distinguishable, and
unique.
33. “Part of the nightmare was that it all seemed so matter of
fact. I couldn’t make it stop, I couldn’t escape it, and so i
pretended it wasn’t happening,” (Feinberg 41).
0 The quote stood out to me because the significance of
this quote is part of the quote itself. The nightmares
are seemingly matters of fact. The best part of this is
that it can be applied to more situations than just
rape. It shows how being bullied can lower a person’s
self esteem to the point where they don’t feel like they
can stop the act, that they are physically incapable of
saving themselves. It’s the reason they keep silent
about their abuses and abusers.
34. These lines from the novel truly repulsed me and disgusted me because of how
graphically Feinberg described the scene. To give some context, Jess, the butch
lesbian had just been gang raped by six boys from the high school football team she
attends. She had also been beaten by them while they viciously assaulted her
verbally. When the coach saw what was happening and blew his whistle, one would
expect that he had come to Jess’s aide. However, not only did he not help her
whatsoever, he even goes on to do the exact same as the boys who raped her and
call her a derogatory term. I found this to be horrifying and totally inappropriate
even considering that it was around the 1960’s. When part of the school staff does
not even defend a student who was raped and beaten but goes on to call her
names, there is something wrong with the system. To hire a person who is
prejudice and discriminatory defeats the purpose of going to school because
school should be a place of neutrality where a student can feel safe. Overall, this
part of the novel seemed wrong and immoral no matter how you spin it because
there is absolutely no reason for someone to have to endure such an injustice.
“I was alone in the field. The coach stood a distance away from me, staring.
I wobbled as I tried to stand. There were grass stains on my skirt and blood
and slimy stuff running down my legs. ‘Get out of here, you little whore,’
coach Moriarty ordered” (41).
35. “When you do something out of conviction, my dear, it should be
because you believe it’s the right thing to do. If you look for approval
from everyone, you’ll never be able to act.” (45)
0 In this situation, Jess asked her
teacher if what she had done (
sitting with her black friend in
the cafeteria when blacks and
whites sat separately) was
wrong. Her teacher explained to
her that she should stand up for
what she believes in, even if
everyone doesn’t agree with her
beliefs. Jess won’t be able to get
everyone’s approval because
we’re all entitled to our own
beliefs and opinions. If Jess wants
to make a difference, she just has
to fight for her beliefs, despite
what others think because that is
how she will be able to make a
difference in the world.
I like this quote a lot only because it
really relate to what I am going
through at this moment in my life. I
was looking for approval from my in-
laws and I was so unhappy. My
mother in-law is overbearing. Nothing
I do is correct to her and I try to seek
for her approval but it never happens
for two years. I finally got to a point of
depression. Then I realize that I was
unconsciously passing. I am only
going to focus on the important things
in my life and the one that I can
control. The moment that I decided
not to seek my in-laws approval I felt
free. It’s a challenge but I am making
progress.
36. “ ‘Do you know what it takes to change the world Jess?’ I
shook my head. ‘You have to figure out what you really
believe in and then find other people who feel the same way.
The only thing you have to do alone is to decide what’s
important to you.’”46
0 This quote stood out to me because it was very well
told. It was an advice that any student can take with
them, and it was from a great teacher. I can see it gave
Jess a little courage to believe in herself and to find
out what she really wanted in her life. It encouraged
her to go out and find people of her kind, and together
they can make a difference.
37. “Karla looked concerned. ‘Are you sure?’ I nodded, feeling
the last brick of the wall go up inside of me that might never
come down again” (47).
0 This quote stood out to me because everyone had
experiences the down side of life and when unhappy
events occur we protect ourselves by building a wall. I had
built walls against other people that I cannot take it down
no matter how hard I try to forgive and forget I cannot.
Especially after Jesse is rape by the football players, six of
seven guys, at her school. She had really no one to talk to
and the only one that is willing to listen is a Karla and she
is African American [which poses a different problem for
Jesse].
38. “You think you’re a guy huh? you think you can take it like a
guy? We’ll see. what’s these? her said. He yanked up her
shirt and pulled her binder down around her waist. HE
grabbed her breasts so hard she gasped” (56).
0 This quote caught me off guard and adds to the list of
actions described in this book I would call inhumane.
How could officers of the law, people who are to protect
and server, able to treat someone like this? A giant
violation of rights and body.
39. “That’s when I knew sex was very powerful” (70)
0 This quote meant a lot to me because not only does Jess
realize how sex can be powerful in a good way but also in
a bad way. The amount of times that her and her friends
have had to endure being raped over and over again, and
finding a way to survive each time .Sex can so easily be
abused, and as Jess becomes more and more clear about
how being who she is can be so dangerous. It is sad how
many times the policemen have abuse her and her friends
and I can’t even image being in her position and realizing
these facts at such a young age.
40. “Either eat me or eat my
shit, bulldagger. It’s up to you.”
0 Of all the strife we read Jess had endured since being a
mere child, this particular scene in the book I couldn’t get
past. To be beaten to near death, and then treated the way
she was, made me sick. Rarely have I ever had such a
reaction to a novel, it stood out to me, even brought me to
tears. Having to take as much grief as Jess did on a daily
basis it made me burn with hatred for these cops that
went specifically out of their way to terrorize butches and
femmes, as if they were the criminals for their sexual
orientation. To be put in a position like that and survive, as
broken as she was for a long time, gave me great respect
for jess as the novel went on. Relentlessly she was
hurt, and relentlessly she fought.
41. ” ‘You know’, Duffy added, ‘I don’t think I really realized how hard it is for you. I
know what jerks the guys at work can be sometimes.’ he leaned up against the sink
and folded his arms. ‘ But when i went to the hospital with you, I saw how they
treated you, how they talked about you,’ he rubbed his face. When he looked back
at me, I saw tears in his eyes. ‘I felt so helpless, you know? I kept yelling at them
that you were a human being, that you mattered, and it was like they weren’t even
listening to me. I couldn’t do anything to help you and I couldn’t make them take
care of you the way I wanted, you know?’
I nodded. I did know. And now I knew that Duffy did too.” (93)
0 I really liked this quote because it sums up the sad majority of
human nature; we’re so unused to the unknown that we’d reject
and humiliate our own kind if they were “different”. it shows how
little agency and power we hold against a made up mind. This
quote depicts a certain kind of irony, that an “evil” communist
could see the humanity within Jess and the other butches, yet
others had rejected it. It was just so sad. Yet, it shows that
someone DID recognize the pain and dehumanizing taunts of this
world; it arises a kind of hope that there will be others who
would come to understand the persecution of LGBTQ people.
42. “ I drifted in and out of consciousness. I remember Theresa propping me
up against a brick wall in the precinct parking lot and assessing the
damage with her eyes. she chewed her lower lip and fingered the bloody
places on my shirt. ‘I'll never get these stains out.’ ‘Indirect messages cut
through my fog much more clearly than direct ones.’” (136)
I believe that what Theresa and Jess
understood clearly is the damage of that night
inside them is something they are not going
to forget for the rest of their lives. the small
cuts and the blood is going to be cured in a
week or two but that night left Jess a big scare
inside that is never going to be cured. I like
these lines because deep inside us we can not
explain everything or talk about everything
we have been through sometimes, but still we
can have our beloved make us feel better by
showing us that they understand us and how
we feel without reminding us of what hurts us
and without opening our ugly scars.
These lines stood out to me the
most since i have never
experienced a beating like this.
And the beating was caused
just because she was a lesbian
is shocking. What homosexual
men and women went through
before people were more
accepting is terrible. I am glad
that people have wised up to
this and now this is punishable
under hate crime laws.
43. “I shrugged. ‘I’m twenty-one today and I
feel old’” (140).
0 This quote stood out to me beyond all others because
of some preconceptions I had. I had assumed more
time had passed between her talks of high school and
this birthday party. When she moved onto talking
about her fights in the union and all the time spent in
the bar, I assumed she had skipped forward in her life
story a bit and was in her mid-twenties. Being twenty-
two myself, the fact that she had undergone all of
those beatings and overall stresses of her life before
reaching twenty-one puts the earlier part of the story
in perspective for me.
44. “My voice cracked like a teenage boys and then dropped a
bit deeper as I read. The hormones were beginning to work.
Kim stared at me. Her face was still and sad. “I’m never
going to see you again am i?” She asked.”(page 169)
0 These lines stood out to me because it showed me the
intelligence of innocence showed through Kim’s
understanding of the situation. Even though Kim is still a child
she is able to avoid many societal constructs as her innocence
is still firmly planted in her. She senses that jess is changing
and knows that she will rarely see her from then on. This is
also the point where Jess knows there is no turning back and
that she does not know where she is heading in life. It was a
very powerful passage to read that began the passing of jess.
45. “At first everything was fun. The world stopped feeling like a
gauntlet I had to run through. But very quickly I discovered that
passing didn’t mean just slipping below the surface, it meant being
buried alive. I was still me on the inside, trapped in there with all
my wounds and fears. But I was no longer me on the outside” (173).
0 This quotation basically summarizes what passing does to a
person, as it may shield you on the outside, but everything on
a personal level is kept inside of you. Jess feels safe when she
passes as a man because now, she is seen to be less
vulnerable in public and can be treated equally as a man
without having people question her gender. Jess realizes that
she is no longer her butch self on the outside, but passing
allows her to still be who she is on the inside.
46. “In a world with any justice I would have poured out my life
story to him. I would have given him back in kind the trust
he’d shown to me. But I was afraid and so I betrayed him”
(Feinberg 185).
0 This quotation stood out to me because I felt Jess’s
vulnerability when Ben had poured out his story to her. By
telling his story, Ben trusted Jess to break out of her shell
as well and relate to his past experiences. I felt that Jess
was not ready to open up about herself in front of people,
due to the traumatic experiences she faced. She was fearful
of being exposed and wanted to protect herself from
becoming distressed and in danger. Jess was hesitant to
trust Ben because men had mistreated her throughout her
whole life. Thus, Jess lied to Ben in order to prevent herself
from becoming hurt.
47. “You don’t fuck like some other guys, either.” I rolled over on my stomach
protectively. She massaged my shoulders. “I mean, you take your time,
you know. It’s like you got a brain in your dick instead of a dick for a
brain, you know?” (193)
0 After reading how Annie felt about “fags,” these lines
caught my attention even more. I began to wonder
what might have happened if something went wrong
during sex that would have revealed Jesse’s secret.
How would Annie have reacted? Would she feel
disgusted, angry, or betrayed perhaps? If Jesse made
Annie feel so good, why would she feel any of the
above due to the fact that she is not a “real” man.
Perhaps Jesse is whom Annie and Kathy need in their
lives rather than a “real” man.
48. In-Class Writing
0 Explore a moment when Jess intentionally passes.
How does this experience change who ze is? How do
you know?
0 Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this
affect hir in the same way? How do you know?
49. HOMEWORK
0 Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay electronically before our next class
by emailing a copy saved in MS word to palmorekim@fhda.edu
0 Reading: Stone Butch Blues (196-End).
0 Post #16: Pass
0 Post #17: Jess interacts with medical personnel in various ways
throughout the novel. Explore an experience Jess has with a medical
professional. Does her gender identity influence the treatment she
receives or doesn’t receive? Or explore a moment when Jess passes.
How does this experience change who ze is? How do you know?
Include a quotation with your discussion.
0 Studying: Terms
