4. Wordiness
A sentence is not concise simply because it is short; a concise sentence contains
only the number of words necessary to achieve its effect or to make its point.
5. Nonessential Word
Categories:
0 Deadwood
0 Utility Words
0 Circumlocution
6. Deadwood Examples
Unnecessary phrases that
take up space and add
nothing to meaning.
0 Wordy: There were many
factors that influenced his
decision to become a teacher.
Hint: omit the filler phrases
"it is," "there is," and "there 0 Concise: Many factors
are" at the beginning of
sentences; these often delay
influenced his decision to
the sentence's true subject become a teacher.
and verb.
7. 0 Wordy: They played a softball game that
was exhausting.
0 Concise: They played an exhausting
softball game.
0 Wordy: It is expensive to upgrade
computer systems.
0 Concise: Upgrading computer systems is
expensive.
8. Some familiar expressions that are
Deadwood
0 There is/There are
0 I feel
0 I think
0 It seems to me
0 All things considered
0 Without a doubt
0 It is important to note
0 In my opinion
0 The reason why
0 In conclusion
9.
10. Examples of Utility Words to
Eliminate or Replace
Vague Nouns Adverbs denoting degree
0 Thing (something, 0 Basically
anything, everything)
0 Very
0 Situation
0 Definitely
0 Kind
0 Type 0 Quite
0 Aspect
0 Sort
0 Area
11. Circumlocution
0 Problem: Taking a roundabout way to say
something (using ten words when five will do)
is called Circumlocution.
0 Remedy: Instead of using complicated phrases
and rambling constructions, use concrete,
specific words and phrases and come right to
the point.
12. Omit "which" or "that” when
possible.
0 Wordy: Because the fluid, which was
brown and poisonous, was dumped into
the river, the company that was
negligent had to shut down.
0 Concise: Because the brown, poisonous
fluid was dumped into the river, the
negligent company had to shut down.
22. Miscellaneous Questions
0 Does the paper follow MLA guidelines?
0 Is the page length within assigned limits?
0 Is the font type and size within the assigned guidelines?
0 Does the Header or Footer follow the assignment
guidelines?
0 Is the professor's name spelled correctly? Kim Palmore
0 Is your name spelled correctly?
0 Does the paper have a title? Is it a good title? Is the title in
the appropriate location?
23. Writing Tips
0 Write about literature in present tense
0 Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and
“anything.”
0 Avoid writing in second person.
0 Avoid using contractions.
0 Cut Wordy Sentences
0 Fix run-on sentences
0 Check for misused words
24. A Work in an Anthology,
Reference, or Collection
0 Works may include an essay in an edited collection or
anthology, or a chapter of a book. The basic form is for this
sort of citation is as follows:
0 Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection.
Ed. Editor's Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year.
Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.
0 Example:
0 Harris, Muriel. "Talk to Me: Engaging Reluctant Writers." A
Tutor's Guide: Helping Writers One to One. Ed. Ben Rafoth.
Portsmouth: Heinemann, 2000. 24-34. Print.
25. A Work in a Collection or Anthology
Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date of
original publication if applicable). Ed. Editor’s Name(s). City of
Publication: Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.
Langston Hughes
“Passing” Toni Morrison
The Ways of White Folks “Recitatif”
New York Source: Confirmation: An Anthology of African
Vintage 1990 1934 American Women
No Editor in this case Publisher: Morrow
Edition: 1983
Pages 51-55
Editors: Imamu Amiri Baraka & Amina Baraka
Print
Place Published: New York
Pages 243-260
Print
26. Recorded Films or Movies
List films by their title. Include the name of the director, the distributor, and the
release year. If relevant, list performer names after the director’s name. Use the
abbreviation perf. to head the list. End the entry with the appropriate medium
of publication (e.g. DVD, VHS, Laser disc).
Ed Wood. Dir. Tim Burton. Perf. Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah Jessica
Parker, Patricia Arquette. Touchstone, 1994. DVD.
The Human Stain
Directed by Robert Benton
Performers: Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman, Ed Harris, and Gary Sinise.
Distributor: Miramax
Release Year: 2003
Medium: DVD
27. An Article in a Scholarly Journal
0 Always provide issue numbers, when available.
0 Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal Volume.
Issue (Year): pages. Medium of publication.
0 Example:
Bagchi, Alaknanda. "Conflicting Nationalisms: The
Voice of the Subaltern in Mahasweta Devi's Bashai
Tudu." Tulsa Studies in Women's Literature 15.1
(1996): 41-50. Print.
28. Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in Print
Cite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a
scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the
medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.
Wheelis, Mark. "Investigating Disease Outbreaks Under a Protocol to the
Biological and Toxin Weapons Convention." Emerging Infectious Diseases 6.6
(2000): 595-600. Web. 8 Feb. 2009.
Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):
pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.
Randall Kennedy William Pickens
“Racial Passing” “Racial Segregation”
Ohio State Law Journal Opportunity: Journal of Negro Life
Volume 62 December, 1927
Issue 1145 364-367
2001 Web.
1-28 8 Feb. 2013
Web
8 Feb. 2013
29. Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in
Print
Cite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a
scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the
medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.
Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):
pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.
Hughes, Langston.
Passing (the poem)
Phylon
Vol. 11
Issue 1
(1950)
15
Web
31. “I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything
grownups wanted, so they would love me.” ch.2 p.13
0 This stood out to me because I think that These lines bothered me
people should be able to be whoever they because I can’t believe that
want and not have to worry about being an adult would judge a
judged and everyone’s opinion. There is no young person this way. I
map to how a kid should act, everyone is don’t understand it because
different. Parents are suppose to not worry this has never been a
about what you enjoy doing, or your problem for me. What is sad
preferences, they are just suppose to love is the fact that she just wants
you unconditionally. Kids should not have to to please them but because
change or try their hardest to please and she is different the deny her.
impress there parents or family, it should I just felt like she shouldn’t
just happen, with whatever they choose to be judged because the adults
be doing. Everyone has the right to be at this time period were
whoever they want, no one should scare ignorant.
them into taking that away. Everyone is
unique in there own ways.
32. "Crow, are you a boy or a girl?"
"Caw, Caw!" (17).
0 The quote shows what horrible treatment the
character goes through just because he/she is
different. Difference is not coped with well in society
so in order for us to digest it, people make fun of it
because they feel insecure. We do not realize what we
are doing the person who is being treated badly. The
character never had the courage to stand up to the
people that kept asking him/her the question which I
wish he/she did so that he/she would feel more
confident about who he/she is.
33. “Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, I
finally began to agree they were right” (23)
There is a lot of hurt behind these I felt sentimental as I
words. This is more than just admitting
read this because been
someone was hurting them, this was
her accepting what society thought different doesn’t make
and said about her. This was us inferior, it simply
acceptance of the fact that society means we are
perceived her behavior and feelings as distinguishable, and
“wrong.”
unique.
This quote just goes to show how
much power societal pressures have
over us, even our perception of
ourselves. It’s striking… and a little
scary.
34. “I tried to read the words in a flat sing-song tone without feeling, so none of the kids would
understand what his poem meant to me, but their eyes were already glazed over with
boredom. I dropped my gaze and walked back to my seat. Mrs. Noble squeezed my arm as I
passed, and when I looked up I saw she had tears in her eyes. The way she looked at me
made me want to cry, too. It was as though she could really see me, and there was no
criticism in her eyes.”
0 This caught my attention because I felt bad for Jess, knowing how nerve racking
it is trying to get up in front of your peers that may not know you very well, or
that you have to convey that you like something or how you feel. There is the
fear of what your peers will think about you as well as what that teacher is
going to think. She knows she’s female but at the same time is a Butch and
doesn’t really want the other students to know so she passes, but wants the
teacher to not exclude her from class just because of her beliefs and not be
judged by the teacher. I think she was pretty lucky in that the teacher saw Jess
for who she really was and had the heart and totally did the unexpected . I
thought it was kind of typical that the other students were bored and not
paying attention and sometimes you learn things about yourself that you didn’t
know, or associate more meaning with when things don’t go as you planned or
you get a different reaction out of the teacher or professor than you planned.
The pressure we get from others and the fear of being judged a certain way,
drives us to decide what we decide to share and what we keep to ourselves.
35. “I was alone in the field. The coach stood a distance away from me, staring.
I wobbled as I tried to stand. There were grass stains on my skirt and blood
and slimy stuff running down my legs. ‘Get out of here, you little whore,’
coach Moriarty ordered” (41).
These lines from the novel truly repulsed me and disgusted me because of how
graphically Feinberg described the scene. To give some context, Jess, the butch
lesbian had just been gang raped by six boys from the high school football team she
attends. She had also been beaten by them while they viciously assaulted her
verbally. When the coach saw what was happening and blew his whistle, one would
expect that he had come to Jess’s aide. However, not only did he not help her
whatsoever, he even goes on to do the exact same as the boys who raped her and
call her a derogatory term. I found this to be horrifying and totally inappropriate
even considering that it was around the 1960’s. When part of the school staff does
not even defend a student who was raped and beaten but goes on to call her
names, there is something wrong with the system. To hire a person who is
prejudice and discriminatory defeats the purpose of going to school because
school should be a place of neutrality where a student can feel safe. Overall, this
part of the novel seemed wrong and immoral no matter how you spin it because
there is absolutely no reason for someone to have to endure such an injustice.
36. ” ‘You little slut,’ he whispered… ‘you are in a whole lot of trouble. What the hell
were you doing?’
‘Nothing, Miss Moore. I didn’t do anything. I was just trying to talk to Karla.’
She smiled at me. ‘Sometimes you don’t have to do anything wrong to be in hot
water.’ …
He looked at her with an open hatred. I could see what a racist he was.” (43)
0 This section of the book stood out to me most because it is when I
realized that not only is she battling oppression in the form of
sexual identity, she is also battling it through the color of one’s skin.
I wasn’t able to quote many of the quotes and dialogue throughout
the book but this stood out the most because the main character
really didn’t do anything whatsoever. Reading this part of the book
really made me emotionally angry and in disbelief that at some
point in time, self-proclaimed “teachers, principals & faculty”
would be so closed minded and ignorant when they are people in
high standing and educators. These are people who spread
ignorance and hatred with no substantial justification. This book
was a constant shock and reminder to what it was back then and
how appreciative of the time I live in now.
37. “For the first time I might have found my
people. I just didn’t know how to penetrate
this society.”
0 This showed me how out of place she was and how
she kept digging to find a place to fit in, but when she
did she didn’t know how to interact with them, she
just seemed socially damaged.
38. “When I came into the bar in drag, kind of hunched over they told me,
‘Be proud of what you are,’ and then they adjusted my tie sort of like you
did” (Feinberg 7).
0 Although these few lines were presented in the very beginning
of the novel, I believe that it stood out the most because, so far,
reading the story it teaches the reader that being of a different
sexual orientation may have its disadvantages, but it is who you
are and it should not matter what other people think of you.
Also, I believe that this quote stood out to me because I have a
cousin who is lesbian and although our family members think it
is “not normal” to be gay, her cousins including me have always
told her to be proud of who you are because the person you are
is what God created; He made no mistakes, whatsoever. Lastly,
this quote can teach others to be proud of the person they are
as whole because each person is different in his or her way. In
other words, each person is unique and he or she should be
proud of that.
39. “We learned fast that the cops always pulled the
police van right up to the bar door and left snarling
dogs inside so we couldn’t get out. We were trapped
alright.” (pg 8 the letter)
0 I know this is a pretty early passage but it really
enlightened me to the story before I even got too in depth
with the book. This passage opens the door to what kind
of prejudice we can expect in this book. It also gives an
opening first person view of exactly how helpless these
people were. They couldn’t eve turn to the police to help
them against the hate of the city. They were literally all
alone.
40. “You think you’re a guy huh? you think you can take it like a
guy? We’ll see. what’s these? her said. He yanked up her
shirt and pulled her binder down around her waist. HE
grabbed her breasts so hard she gasped” (56).
0 This quote caught me off guard and adds to the list of
actions described in this book I would call inhumane.
How could officers of the law, people who are to protect
and server, able to treat someone like this? A giant
violation of rights and body.
41. “I felt woozy with fear. It reminded me of when my parents had me
committed, or the cops opened my cell door. So many people in the
world had so much power to control and hurt me. I shrugged as though
it wasn’t important to me”(Feinberg 93).
0 This quote at this point in the story showed me that
she was harboring so many demons from her past.
Her “stone” attitude comes from so many terrible
situations. The way Jess just shrugs it off as if it
doesn’t matter also shows her attitude. I figured she
would be upset or furious but instead she acted as
though she didn’t care. The anxieties of those
situations from her past still haunt her and it shows
how many times she has been violated. I figured she
would have been more upset by this point in the story
with her experience but she still just lets it happen.
42. “Either eat me or eat my shit,
bulldagger. It’s up to you.”
0 Of all the strife we read Jess had endured since being a
mere child, this particular scene in the book I couldn’t get
past. To be beaten to near death, and then treated the way
she was, made me sick. Rarely have I ever had such a
reaction to a novel, it stood out to me, even brought me to
tears. Having to take as much grief as Jess did on a daily
basis it made me burn with hatred for these cops that
went specifically out of their way to terrorize butches and
femmes, as if they were the criminals for their sexual
orientation. To be put in a position like that and survive, as
broken as she was for a long time, gave me great respect
for jess as the novel went on. Relentlessly she was hurt,
and relentlessly she fought.
43. “ Guess the street makes us old before our time,
huh, kid?’ (118)
0 This is hurtful to read. It made me angry! What is life
without been a kid first? it made me sad that they had
to grow up before their time just because society fails
to realize their differences. And instead of
encouraging who they wanted to become, rather they
made life a living mess for them. pathetic!
44. “Baby, I’m sorry they hurt you. But more than anything, I’m
sorry you got no place to go with it” (122).
0 so often people are being abused, picked on, and even
oppressed. But what makes them more vulnerable is
the lack of guardianship and counsel. They are left to
handle the situation by themselves, which makes
them more susceptible. And they are not comfortable
enough to talk about their feelings and it doesn’t get
any better than way.
45. “I felt like a nonperson, even
Outlaws had more ID's than me”
0 I never considered the need of an I.D. as a challenge
for someone that has not broken the law. This was a
shocking realization for me thinking of her being free
since she was viewed as a man but not being able to
do anything such as visit Canada or being pulled over
by police, In these scenarios she is just as trapped as
before. Only this time there are different challenges
she faces. In these instances she may be more
comfortable in her body but not really any better off
otherwise.
46. “Things don’t change back,” [Theresa] sighed, “they
just keep changing” (Beginning of chapter 13).
0 This line caught my attention the moment I read it. Nothing in life is
constant. This is something that’s hard to grasp as a child, but as you
grow older these words begin to resonate with you. You’re never the
same person you were back when you were a child. You’re growing
and changing as you constantly interact with the environment around
you. This concept also applies to the people you meet and the friends
you make over the years; they come and go. Oftentimes good, lifelong
buddies stick around, but the relationship you had when you were
both thirteen isn’t the same relationship you have when you’re
twenty-one. Sometimes friends turn into acquaintances and even in
some extreme cases they become your worst enemy. Likewise, the
aspect of change is true for social norms in our society. Things like
homosexuality are starting to become a bit more accepted. That’s
certainly not to say that there is no longer discrimination—there’s still
plenty of that—but in the story that Feinberg has painted for us, we
can look and see that things are different now.
47. In-Class Writing
0 Explore a moment when Jess intentionally passes.
How does this experience change who ze is? How do
you know?
0 Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this
affect hir in the same way? How do you know?
48. HOMEWORK
0 Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay electronically before our
next class by emailing a copy saved in MS word to
palmorekim@fhda.edu Reading:
Stone Butch Blues (196-End). Post #16:
Finish in-class writing; Post
#17: Jess interacts with medical personnel in various ways
throughout the novel. Explore an experience Jess has with
a medical professional. Does her gender identity influence
the treatment she receives or doesn’t receive? Include a
quotation. Studying:
Terms
