Cps conflict resolution #1


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Cps conflict resolution #1

  1. 1. Keys to Conflict ResolutionLesson 1: Active ListeningLesson 2: Seven Steps for Managing Emotions, Especially ANGERLesson 3: Teach Escalation and De-escalation of ConflictLesson 4: Teach Conflict Styles and Collaborative Problem SolvingLesson 5: Teach the Differences between Aggression, Assertion, and Passive Behavior The Two Minute Conflict Resolution PrimerConflict is a disagreement over resources, goals, values, beliefs, orpsychological needs.Conflict is a normal and natural part of life.Conflict can be positive.Conflict is neither good nor bad ~ It’s how you handle it that counts.Conflict is not always a contest.Everything you do or say is a step up or a step down the conflict escalator.Win-Win is a belief and a process.Win-Win Solutions...  Are non-violent  Meet important needs and interests of both parties  Feel positive and satisfying to both partiesWhen you are assertive you show that you are strong and respectful. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 1
  2. 2. 1. Active ListeningGuidelines for Group Discussion• Limit the size of the group involved in a dialogue. Divide the group in half using two  Sit in a circle facilitators or provide a different activity for the other half of the group so each  Use a talking stick student has more opportunities to  Paraphrase previous participate. speaker• Sit in a circle or horseshoe shape so that everyone can see each other.  Say, “I agree___• Identify behaviors that shut down and…..” discussion and make some students afraid  Write first, then speak to speak; identify behaviors that encourage  Use a speaker’s list all students to feel comfortable speaking.  Use wait time• Prepare students for oral presentations by creating guidelines for being a responsive  Check for audience before listening to oral understanding presentations or guest speakers.• Prepare a set of questions beforehand that students have helped to generate. You might want to prioritize questions or identify three or four that students are eager to discuss.• Use a speakers’ list to avoid constant hand raising and track who wants to speak. Rotate students who manage the speakers’ list.• Use a talking stick or small stuffed toys or soft fabric ball when students are involved in a whole group or small group discussion—the only person who can speak is the person with the object.• Use talking chips (plastic poker chips) to ensure that students share the air time. Each student receives two or three chips; when students speak they set aside their chips in the upper right corner of their desk.• Increase “wait time” before inviting students to speak. Silence encourages deliberative thinking. Use index cards or create a dialogue response sheet that students can use to compose their thoughts before they speak, jot down follow-up questions, and reflect on the dialogue when it’s over.• Limit talk time to less than a minute (“Twenty seconds please.”). Or limit the number of times each person can speak (“You’ve spoken twice already. I want to hear what others have to say.”) For students who always have to have the last word or who want to speak adnauseum. Say, “That’s an interesting point. Let’s see what others have to say.”• Use constraints for who can speak at any given time by inviting different sub-groups to respond to different questions—boys, girls, certain letters of the alphabet, sides of the room, etc.• Listen for and post verbal encouragers that students use to encourage each other to speak during discussions and cooperative group work.• Remind students about agreements/guidelines When students are talking out of turn or engaging in side-bar conversations, remind students of the agreements/guidelines you have made about how the group talks and listens during WHOLE GROUP DISCUSSIONS AND PRESENTATIONS. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 2
  3. 3. • Have a procedure in place for students who talk during whole group listening activities. Your procedure might sound like this: The first time I notice that you’re not focused on the speaker and the task, I will give you a non-verbal cue, remind you of our guidelines, or assign you a quick-write task to help you focus. The second time it happens during the same class, I will ask you to sit somewhere else where you will be less distracted.• Encourage students to empathize with another person’s circumstance in a current life situation, in a piece of literature, or in a historical conflict. Ask, “How do you imagine this person feels?” or “How would you feel if you were in that situation?” or “Why might someone feel (frustrated, angry, confused, upset, etc.) in that situation?”• Help students clarify their thinking and provide more detail using these questions and openers: Tell us more about that. Can you say more? What other thoughts do you have about _________. Is there anything else you want to say about _________? What do you think that’s about? Do you think other people see this the same way? What else should we know about _________?• Encourage students to clarify their viewpoints. Are they speaking from their own experience or making observations about what they have read, heard, or seen.• Remind students that listening doesn’t equal agreement. Respectful listening isn’t about agreeing or disagreeing with the speaker —it’s about taking in what someone says and communicating that you have understood them. Respectful speaking is about communicating your own thoughts and feelings in ways that your audience will hear and understand. (For more suggestions see page _____.)• Discuss the differences between dialogue and debate. Many students never talk because they always feel like they are in the middle of somebody else’s contest! With the whole class, brainstorm a list of the differences between dialogue and debate. Think about how the goals differ, how people attend and respond differently, and the strengths and limitations of each type of discourse.• If the dialogue starts to feel combative or emotionally intense, stop for a minute and do a feeling/ reality check. Ask how people are feeling about what’s being said. How do others see this issue? Who else wants to respond before we move on? Is there anyone else who has another opinion? Is there anyone else who agrees?• Remind students that changing positions isn’t backing down, but rather involves listeners in reassessing their views after taking in more data and perspectives.• Loaded, provocative, or negative language heats up tensions and sucks positive energy from the room. You may want to encourage the group to think about how they want to call attention to negative language. For example, a student might say, “I’m not sure that language helps us better understand _____________” and then request that a word or phrase be replaced with less emotionally charged language. Or say, “That crosses the line. Could you use language that’s more neutral and less charged?” 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 3
  4. 4. Use Dialogue Protocols to Deconstruct Active ListeningTeachers ask all the time, “How do really practice and assess active listening?” One solution is to usevarious dialogue protocols that focus on very specific active listening skills. Dialogue protocols helpstudents pay closer attention to the conversation. Structured discussions have the advantage of slowingdown thinking, thus, improving listening and encouraging participants to choose more carefully whatthey say and how they say it. Experiment with these process suggestions to determine what structureswork best for different groups and different types of discussions. involves…  Non-verbal attending —demonstrating your full attention through your body language and facial expression  Interested silence when you ONLY listen  Verbal encouragers that invite someone to continue speaking  Restating what people say so that they know they’ve been understood  Checking for accuracy of understanding  Empathizing by reflecting a speaker’s feelings in ways that acknowledge the person’s emotional state and the feelings he/ she attaches to the issue being discussed  Asking open-ended questions that give the speaker a chance to clarify his/her thinking, provide more information, or discuss underlying needs and concerns  Summarizing key ideas, solutions, issuesHere are suggestions that call for students to use specific active listening skills:• Read aloud every week.• Use paired reading when students are working with challenging texts. Partners take turns reading the text in small sections and then the other person paraphrases what the person just read.• Try a “trio read and respond”. Students form trios and take turns reading the text with these two instructions: 1) You can’t read more than a page when it’s your turn; and 2) You stop reading when you’ve found something you want to discuss; something you’re confused about; something that feels important to underscore; something that triggers a question; something that connects to the rest of the text; or something that connects to your own experience.• Time mini-lectures—10 to 15 minutes is about the limit for good retention. Students tend to be far more attentive when they know the lecture will be over soon! 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 4
  5. 5. • Check for understanding by inviting a volunteer to paraphrase instructions. Or ask students to pair up to clarify their understanding of an assignment, directions, a problem that is posed; then invite a student to restate the problem, assignment, directions in their own words for the whole group.• Every 10 to 15 minutes – take 2 to review—After a mini-lecture, read aloud, or video have students work individually, in pairs, or home groups to review what they understood; fill in the gaps from their notes independently, or respond to two or three questions.• Start discussion with a “go-round” using an open-ended question where everyone who wants to respond gets to speak before the group raises questions or shifts to back and forth dialogue.• Use partner paraphrasing to practice listening for understanding. One partner explains a problem or process or shares her/his perspective on a topic or question. The other person writes down the explanation as accurately as possible. Then partners switch roles. This strategy is effective when you want students to explain a mathematical solution step-by-step; summarize a lab experiment; rehearse responses to essay questions; or describe causal relationships linked to a historical event.• Before students rush to argue, ask them first to identify something they agree with that they’ve heard before they share their perspective. Say “I agree with _____________ and I’d like to add/ ask _____________ .”• Close with summary points linked to what students just heard or viewed by 1) pairing up and writing down three key points to remember; 2) assigning numbers to students so that there are four 1’s, four 2’s, four 3’s, and so on – at the close of the lecture or discussion ask each group to put their heads together and prepare a summary or a response to their assigned question. Take three minutes for groups to talk it through and then share responses with the whole group. or 3) Taking a two minute time-out to pair/share, write about, or reflect as a group on these questions: “What issues are clearer for you? What’s still vague or confusing? What are the two or three things that have been said that have helped to deepen your understanding of ___________?Pair-SharesThis is a simple technique to get everyone engaged in conversation at the same time. Ideally it is a wayto brainstorm, begin discussion on a compelling question, frame a topic or study, exchange first thoughts,or assess what people know.Directions:Students pair up in two’s facing each other in order to bring their knowledge, opinions,and experiences to the topic at hand. The facilitator frames the issue and invites one person in eachpair to speak for one to two minutes in response to the question. Then the other partner speaks for oneto two minutes, thus reversing the roles of listener and speaker.It is important to remind students that when they are in the role of listener, their goal is to focus theircomplete attention on the speaker and listen in interested silence.After the pair-share, invite students to share their own thoughts or paraphrase their partner’s thoughtsas a way to continue discussion. You might want to use newsprint to record various student responsesthat reflect a range of ideas and opinions. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 5
  6. 6. Listening LabA listening lab is a structured small group experience in which people deepen their understanding ofeach other’s perspective through speaking and listening. Students who are reticent to speak in a largegroup find this format a less intimidating way to share their thoughts with others. In groups of three tofive, students take turns responding to the same question. Each person has a specified amount of time(45 – 90 seconds) to respond. When one student speaks, other students are expected to give thatstudent their full attention and interested silence. Listening labs are not a time for back and forthconversation, but rather provide each student with an opportunity to share their perspectives andexperiences without being interrupted.Directions:Divide students into groups of three to five. Have students circle up so they can see each other. Hereare some guidelines for participating in a listening lab. 1. Speak from your own experience (your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives) 2. Sit with the silence if one person finishes speaking before time is up. 3. ONLY LISTEN; don’t comment on what the speaker says. 4. It’s okay to pass if you need more time to think or would rather not respond. 5. Be aware of your own comfort zone. Share what feels comfortable to share. 6. What’s said in the group stays in the group. Can we make an agreement that what we share among ourselves in small groups will stay within the group?Ask for a volunteer from each group who is willing to speak first. Have volunteers raise their hands sothat you know when all groups are ready to begin. State the question. Then clarify the question using anexample that illustrates various ways students might respond to it. Set your timer for about 45 seconds.Repeat the question and say, “It’s time for the first person to speak.” When time is up, say, “It’s time forthe second person to speak.” Continue until each student in each group has had a chance to respond tothe question. The first time you use a listening lab, you might want to ask students, • What was this process like for you? • What did you notice about how you were listening? • What did it feel like to be listened to in this way? • What made this easy or challenging for you?Sample Questions:Literature: In groups of four, each student takes on the role of a character and responds to a series of questions from the perspective of that character.Science: Discuss social and ethical consequences of environmental policies.Any subject: Use listening labs as a way to review essay questions, rehearse and prepare for discussions, share project proposals or project findings.Any subject: Use a listening lab before exams where students can share perspectives on what makes exam time stressful; what they do to relax and focus; what kinds of “self-talk” and beliefs about themselves will help them feel confident and prepared.Personal Perspectives: Use any of the gathering and closing questions on pages _______ or the reflection questions on pages______> 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 6
  7. 7. Paraphrasing CirclesThis is a variation of the listening lab format. The goal is to use paraphrasing (accurately restating aperson’s thoughts in one’s own words) to ensure that everyone who speaks is understood. Each group ofthree or four students sits in a circle facing each other. You might want all groups to discuss the sameissue or questions, or you can invite groups to choose which two to three questions they want to discussfrom a larger list of questions.In paraphrasing circles, the first student in the group responds to the chosen question without beinginterrupted. Then the second student paraphrases what the previous student said and checks foraccuracy. The first person can correct or clarify the restatement at this time. Then the second studentresponds to the same question without being interrupted. The third person paraphrases the secondperson, checks for accuracy, and shares her/his perspective on the question. This process is repeateduntil everyone has a turn.You might want to add one more part to each round. Invite one student from each small group tosummarize students’ perspectives by reporting out to the larger group. Or you might invite one studentto record any questions that arise after everyone in the small group has spoken.Opinion ContinuumMoving opinion polls are a way to get students up and moving as they place themselves along aSTRONGLY AGREE to STRONGLY DISAGREE continuum according to their opinions about specificstatements. The most powerful aspect of this exercise is the insight, new to many students, that peoplecan disagree without fighting—in fact, people can listen to various points of view respectfully and evenrethink their own opinions upon hearing the views of others. Create a corridor of space in your room,from one end to the other end, that is long enough and wide enough to accommodate your whole class.Make two large signs and post them on opposite sides of the room: Strongly Agree Strongly DisagreeExplain to students, “You will be participating in a moving opinion poll. Each time you heara statement you are to move to the place along the imaginary line between “strongly agree” and“strongly disagree” that most closely reflects your opinion. If you strongly disagree you will move all theway to that side of the room. If you strongly agree you will move all the way to the other side of theroom. You can also place yourself anywhere in the middle, especially if you have mixed feelings aboutthe question.”“After you have placed yourselves along the continuum, I will invite people to share why they arestanding where they are. This is not a time to debate or grill each other. Rather, this is a way to hearwhat people are thinking and get a sense of the different ways people perceive the issue.”When you do this activity begin with a statement that indicates non-controversial preferences like,“Chocolate is the best ice cream flavor in the world.” Then introduce statements related to a topic you’reexploring in your course work. You might want to “muddy the water” by modifying statements slightly,using different qualifiers, conditions, and contexts to see if students’ opinions shift. For example, onestatement might be, “Local communities should have a general curfew of midnight for all teens under18.” Another statement might be, “Local communities should have a school night curfew of midnight forall teens under 18. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 7
  8. 8. 2. Teach Students Seven Steps for Managing their Emotions, Especially AngerA few words about emotions:There are more feelings than mad, bored, or fine. Having an accurate vocabulary for describing feelings is acrucial step in dealing with them. Without the right words or the ability to express emotions, many people actthem out instead. The result is often impulsive behavior that leads to big trouble. Feelings drive our behaviorand can motivate us positively or negatively. Further, we can influence our emotions more than we might think.Feelings dont make us do specific actions.Feelings have different intensities and change over time. We dont have to act as if each circumstance is extremeand permanent. One important goal is to make appropriate matches between what we feel and what we do.(When I feel somewhat irritated, I might … When I feel really furious, I might …) All feelings are okay, althoughhow a person acts will have positive or negative consequences for them and other people.Feelings can conflict with other feelings, complicating their impact. It can be hard to navigate between competingemotions, such as feeling both attracted to and afraid of an experience, person or task. With some self-awareness and self-management, people can make choices even when feeling strong or conflicting emotions.The handout, “Feelings, Moods, and Attitudes” on page_____, is not a strict list of emotions. Instead it includes awider range of expressions that adolescents might use or find useful. Encourage students to add to the list. Forstudents whose emotions vocabulary is comprised mainly of curse words, particularly for anger, this can be achallenging and helpful exercise.Instead of identifying ones own emotions, many people name others emotions, express judgments, or namebehaviors. "He is embarrassed" might mean "I feel guilty." "Shes a witch" might mean "I feel hurt." "I cant sit still"might mean "I am anxious." In each case, naming ones own feelings usually leads to healthier ways of dealingwith those feelings and the relationships involved.1. Find the words for your feelings and others feelings. Go beyond using the words “mad” and “bored.” Dont settle for one word if you feel angry; theres probably another. Are you embarrassed and angry, sad and angry, hurt and angry? Learn the difference between thoughts and feelings. Learn words that describe the intensity of the feeling. Practice reading other peoples emotions. Use the handout, “Feelings, Moods, and Attitudes” on page____.2. Know your anger cues. How do you know that you’re getting angry? What are the physical signs of anger? What happens to your body, your voice, your face, your stance, etc.?3. Identify your anger triggers. What behaviors are “triggers” for you – whenever someone _______, I feel _______. Or, whenever I experience _______ I’m likely to feel__________. When you’re feeling really angry, what DON’T want someone to do or say? What response is likely to make you even more angry?4. Learn and practice reducers that help you cool down, stay in charge and release your feelings in a healthy way. What you’re already IN ANGRY what can you do or say to yourself to feel calmer and more in control of your emotions? What can someone else say or do that will help you? (See Anger Mountain on page ___)5. Take responsibility for your behavior – be aware of the things you do and say that lead other people to be upset and angry with you. Some of them are predictable!6. Communicate – Express your feelings in ways that others can hear what you have to say. How can you say what you feel, what you need, or what’s bothering you without attacking and accusing the other person? (See section on Assertion on page ___)7. Reflect on how you manage your emotions. Assess what’s working and what’s not. Congratulate yourself when you’ve handled a difficult situation well. Try out other strategies that might help you handle situations more constructively. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 8
  9. 9. Feelings, Moods, and Attitudesaccepted depressed grossed out nervous shockedafraid desperate guilty obstinate shut downaffectionate determined happy open shyagitated disconcerted hateful optimistic sillyaggressive discouraged heartbroken overwhelmed sorrowfulaggravated disappointed helpless pained spitefulamazed disgusted hopeful panicked stubbornambivalent disillusioned horrified paranoid stuckamused disrespected hostile peaceful sulkyangry distracted humiliated peeved supportedannoyed down hurt perplexed surprisedanxious eager hysterical playful suspiciousappreciative ecstatic impatient persecuted sympatheticargumentative elated independent pessimistic tenaciousarrogant embarrassed indifferent positive tenseashamed empty indignant powerful terrificawestruck energized inferior powerless terrifiedawkward enraged inspired prepared ticked offbad enthusiastic intimidated proud threatenedbelligerent envious irate psyched thrilledbored exasperated irritated puzzled timidbrave excited jazzed reflective trustedcalm excluded jealous refreshed uncertaincautious fearful jolly regretful uncomfortablecheerful fearless joyful rejected uneasyclosed focused juiced relieved unsafecomfortable foolish jumpy remorseful upconfident frenzied livid repulsed upsetconfused friendly lonely respected vengefulcontemptuous frightened loved righteous victimizedcontent frustrated loving sad victoriouscourageous furious mad safe vindictivecrabby good malicious satisfied warmcranky goofy mellow scared warycurious grateful mischievous secure wearydefeated greedy miserable self-assured weirddefensive grief-stricken mortified self-conscious wistfuldelighted grouchy negative self-pitying worried 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 9
  10. 10. When you go up Anger Mountain… Your adrenaline keeps you climbing until you release your anger, lose control, or harm others. TRIGGER Your 8 second window You can’t THINK when you’re IN ANGRY!!! You have 8 seconds before you think STUPID!!!! How do I know that I’m getting angry? What happens in my body, Know your cues to my voice, with my movements, on my face? What sets me off? What makes me Know your triggers really MAD? FRUSTRATED? UPSET? What can I do for that will help me cool down and regain control? Know your reducers What can others do to help me cool down and regain control? 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 10
  11. 11. 3. Conflict Escalation and De-escalation Here’s the situation: Kiesha accidentally spills catsup on Monica’s brand new white silk jacket.Monica: “Look what youdid to my jacket!!! 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 11
  12. 12. When conflicts escalate, what you can do to go down or get off the escalator? In every conflict you have the power to escalate or de-escalate the situation. You always have a choice. All conflicts share these common elements: 1. Conflicts are normal and they’re neither bad or good – how we choose to handle conflict, however, will produce positive or negative results. 2. Conflicts involve a clash between each person’s needs and goals in a specific situation in a specific moment in time. Our goals and needs change constantly. 3. No one comes to a conflict empty handed – we each bring a suitcase filled with: a limited or plentiful set of skills and resources; our prior experiences in similar situations; our perceptions, assumptions, and attitudes about the other person; and our current mood and emotional state. 4. What we do and say will either move us a step up to a major confrontation or a step down to a place where each of us can keep our respect and dignity intact, whether we choose to problem solve or walk away. 5. ANGER is the motor that drives the conflict escalator. Each step up the escalator gets more emotionally charged. The further up we go, the harder it is to get off the escalator.Here’s a typical adolescent encounter that can be a non-incident Teacher: “And that just gotor become a full-blown explosion. It all depends on the you a trip to the Dean.”teachers’ knowledge of the student, the teacher’s primary goalin the moment, and the teacher’s de-escalation skills. Michael: “What attitude? You’re the one with the attitude. Here’s the situation: F--- you.” When the student enters the Teacher: (more angry this time) classroom, the teacher says, “Don’t use that tone with me. Your “Michael, where are those attitude’s getting you nowhere fast.” two assignments?” Michael: (a little more hostile and aggressively: “Can I just breathe?” It’s easy to fixate on the thing a student didn’t do or didn’t get Teacher: “Excuse me? I asked right – no assignment, no pencil, for those assignments. Do you no materials, etc. have them or not?” The risk is “picking up the rope” and forcing a power struggle that teachers never win. Michael: “Can I breathe?” Teacher: He knows this student is prickly, so he backs off NOW and says, “Absolutely. Get settled and we’ll catch up later.” Teacher: When students are working independently, he checks in with Michael privately to discuss the status of the assignments. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 12
  13. 13. 4. The Four F Words of Conflict Styles You express your feelings, needs, wants,FIGHT and ideas at the expense of others; you use threats, verbal and psychological attacks,(Force; Direct) and physical force to meet your goals; you try to dominate and use your power over others. You choose not to express your feelings,Flight needs, or ideas; you ignore or deny your own rights and needs which allows others to(Avoidance) infringe on them; you may choose to get out of the way for reasons of safety and survival. You are unable to express your feelings,Fright needs, or ideas, even if you wanted to; you "freeze up" or feel paralyzed or powerless to do anything; you may get "run over"(Accommodation) before you gain enough control and confidence to act. You are willing to "flow" with the other person, by establishing rapport, by listeningFlow to other points of view, and by sharing a willingness to problem solve; you express(Collaboration your feelings and needs and stand up forand Compromise) your ideas in ways that do not violate the rights and respect of the other person. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 13
  14. 14. You always have choices when you respond to a conflict. You can…  Fight (“Force and demand; My way or the highway”)  Flight (“Avoid it, ignore it, exit, deny it”)  Give in (“Let it go”; “Smooth it over”; “You want this more than I do”)  Postpone (“Save it for later”) Problem Solve: • CHECK IT OUT and notice, observe, and ask questions before you decide what to do • LISTEN when someone’s upset • ASSERT by focusing on your “No’s”, needs, and feelings • NEGOTIATE (“Let’s talk it out and come up with a solution that works for both of us.”) 10 Fight Postpone Flight Give In 0Goals Relationship 0 10 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 14
  15. 15. Teach A, B, C, D, E problem solving:Take time to teach everyone A, B, C, D, E problem solving. This five step process is used throughout theguide for individual, interpersonal, and group problem solving. Other sample problem solving protocolsare included in the handouts at the end of this chapter. (See Practice 5 pages___).  ASSESS the situation and ASK, What’s the problem? How do you feel the situation? What do you each need? What interests do we have in common?  BRAINSTORM at least three possible solutions (Picture what the situation would look like if it were solved. Do this without criticizing or evaluating anything suggested.)  CONSIDER each CHOICE CAREFULLY (How does each choice meet the needs and interests of everyone involved? What are the benefits of each choice? What are the negative constraints and limitations? Is the choice respectful, responsible, and reasonable? Cross out the choices that the group feels are the least effective.)  DECIDE on the best choice and DO it (Discuss the remaining choices and come to agreement on the best solution. Be mindful that the best choice might include a combination of several possible solutions.)  EVALUATE your decision after it has been implemented (What happened? Did it work? What evidence do you have that it worked effectively? Is there anything that would help the group implement the solution more effectively?)Use three minute problem solving for interpersonal conflictsWhen two students are involved in an interpersonal conflict, offer students an option to resolve it inthree minutes using this protocol:1) What happened and why is it a problem?2) What do you each of you need to solve the problem or improve the situation?3) What are two solutions you would both be willing to try to resolve the problem?Check back with both of them in five minutes to hear their solutions. Ask them to choose the one that willwork for both of them. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 15
  16. 16. 5. Teach the differences between aggressive, passive, and assertive speech and behaviorStudents have the right to express their needs, interests, feelings, and opinions in class. And they also havethe responsibility to say and do it in ways that don’t hurt, insult, or disrespect others. Assertive speechenables people to take care of themselves AND take care with other people. (I can express myself andstand up for myself without being mean and nasty to the other person.)Sounds easy enough, but most students don’t know the difference between aggressive and assertivespeech and behavior. The handout on page___ provides openers that help students use assertivelanguage. The handout on page ____ helps clarify the differences between aggressive, passive, andassertive speech. Be mindful of all the opportunities when you can model assertion and offer explicitinvitations for students to practice assertive speech. ASSERTIVE PA S S I V E NOT Name what you’re thinking and feeling, I ALLOW OTHERS TO TAKE what you need and want. ADVANTAGE OF ME BY Give others information that can help them CHOOSING understand your situation. Nobody can NOT TO ACT OR NOT TO SAY read your mind. WHAT I REALLY FEEL, NEED, WANT OR Let others know when you’re frustrated, THINK angry, or upset so they don’t have to “What ever” “I don’t guess your mood. care”…. Say what’s bothering you and what you NOT “I guess so” (silence, want to stop mumbling, or whining) Point out how someone’s decision or action affects you Say what you like and don’t like Ask for help when you need it. I get what I need and want at the expense of others – I use rude, Make suggestions and state your crude, mean, disrespectful, or preferences. abusive speech Say “NO” when you really need to “That was so stupid.” “You never___” “Why can’t 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 16
  17. 17. Find the Right Words to Be From blaming and From complaining, confusion, or attacking to …. From speaking for or helplessness to…. about others to…. I feel ____ when I need / I want / I’d like_____ you_______ Help me understand_________ because______. I I’d really like some help _____ It bothers me when_____. I’d feel_________ like you to ______. I see_________ I’m feeling_______about____. I think________ Can we talk about this? I don’t like it when _____. I want you to ___________ I noticed______ I’m confused. Can you tell me I wonder______ more about___________? I know you didn’t mean I any disrespect, but that’s how it felt. From denial and making Please stop _____ excuses to…. From just going along or From saying “YES” when you saying nothing to.… really mean “NO” to…. Well that didn’t go well. What if I’d much rather we_________? That’s not going to work for _______ if that’s me. I need to take a pass this okay with you. Okay, I messed time. up. I’d like to fix For me, it would work it. I’m really not interested. You better if_______. okay with that? Here’s what I’d like to I need to say no for right now. sugggest…. I see that differently. It sounds like you think_____. I think_______.From putting down someone I see your point and here’s how I see theelse’s idea to…. situation. I guess we’re agreeing to disagree on this one. Are we good? 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 17
  18. 18. Aggressive, Passive, or Assertive: What’s the Difference?Aggressive ~ I get what I want and need at Passive ~ I allow others to take advantage of Assertive ~ I take care of myself bythe expense of others – by dominating or hurting me by choosing not to act and not expressing my expressing my needs, thoughts, and feelings, whileothers physically or emotionally feelings, needs, or thoughts showing respect and decency toward othersSounds like You put down the other person, Sounds like You never really say what you feel, Sounds like You share your needs, requests, andattack and accuse: "You’re such a …;" "You always want, and need. “Whatever, it doesn’t really opinions honestly and openly. "I need to …" "I feel…"; "You never …" matter to me.” "I guess so.” … when … because …"You blame, assume, stereotype; you’re argumentative You’re silent or withhold information; you speak so You listen attentively even if you disagree, andand interrupt a lot. softly others can’t really hear you; you apologize a appreciate others efforts to listen. You speak up. lot and blame others. You go along even if you You take responsibility when you mess up.Your voice is loud, dramatic, hostile. Your language really don’t want to.is often mean, negative, rude, abusive, sarcastic. Your voice is even, calm, friendly. Your language is You whine and wear people down. respectful, neutral or positive.Looks like Getting in someone’s face; eye- Looks like Shoulder shrugs; you look weighted Looks like Relaxed; open expression androlling; threatening, confrontational posture; down; you don’t make eye contact; you look posture that invites conversation; matching how theinvading someone’s personal space; dramatic arm withdrawn like you’re trying to hide; you pout, other person is sitting or standing; side by sidemovements; pointing fingers frown; you look flustered rather than eyeball to eyeballPay-offs You get what you demand most of the Pay-offs You avoid confrontation or taking Pay-offs You keep your dignity and self-respect;time; you stay in control; others see you as powerful responsibility. You don’t get blamed. Using the silent you get your needs met more often; you maintain; you protect yourself treatment, you can ruin someone’s good time without respect for others; you value others; you use your being aggressive. power positivelyCosts Your behavior can be dangerous and Costs You don’t feel in control of your emotions Costs It takes time. You may experience moredestructive; you may alienate and use other people. very often; you get anxious, resentful, angry a lot. conflict, although you have more tools to handle itPeople may not like you. You fear not being in Instead of expressing it you seethe inside; you lose effectively. Even when you’re sensitive to other’scontrol and then lose control when you don’t get your self-respect; you give up being yourself. Other needs and feelings, they can still feel uncomfortablewhat you want. You put on a front for others and people walk over you. You don’t have many real with your directness and reject what you’re saying.can isolate yourself. friends. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 18
  19. 19. When you feel disrespected by another student, you can…. What can I do immediately to collect myself and keep my self-control? What can I say that will help me take care of myself, send a strong message, and de- escalate the situation? Say your Say the person’s name and message show respect. Say, “I feel disrespected when you……. Please don’t say/do that again.” Don’t wait for an apology or change of attitude.Exit You said what you needed to say, and now you need to leave the scene, walk the other way, or focus your attention elsewhere. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 19
  20. 20. When someone is bothering you, you can…. What can I do immediately to collect myself and keep my self-control? What can I say that will help me take care of myself, send a strong message, and de- escalate the situation? Say the person’s name and Say your show respect. message Say, “I don’t like it when you ______________________. I want you to stop.” Don’t wait for an apology or change of attitude.Exit You said what you needed to say, and now you need to leave the scene, walk the other way, or focus your attention elsewhere. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 20
  21. 21. Conflict is a disagreement overresources, goals, values, beliefs, orpsychological needs.Conflict is a normal and natural part oflife.Conflict can be positive.Conflict is neither good nor bad ~ It’s how youhandle it that counts.Conflict is not always a contest.Everything you do or say is a step up or astep down the conflict escalator.Win-Win is a belief and a process.Win-Win Solutions...  Are non-violent  Meet important needs and interests of both parties  Feel positive and satisfying to both partiesWhen you are assertive you show that you arestrong and respectful. 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 21
  22. 22. Assertive Name what you’re thinking and feeling, what you need and want. Give others information that can help them understand your situation. Nobody can read your mind. Let others know when you’re frustrated, angry, or upset so they don’t have to guess your mood. Say what’s bothering you and what you want to stop Point out how someone’s decision or action affects you Say what you like and don’t like Ask for help when you need it. Make suggestions and state your preferences. Say “NO” when you really need to 2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 22