Cps conflict resolution #1

Keys to Conflict Resolution
Lesson 1: Active Listening
Lesson 2: Seven Steps for Managing Emotions, Especially ANGER
Lesson 3: Teach Escalation and De-escalation of Conflict
Lesson 4: Teach Conflict Styles and Collaborative Problem Solving
Lesson 5: Teach the Differences between Aggression, Assertion, and Passive
Behavior

The Two Minute Conflict Resolution Primer
Conflict is a disagreement over resources, goals, values, beliefs, or
psychological needs.
Conflict is a normal and natural part of life.
Conflict can be positive.
Conflict is neither good nor bad ~ It’s how you handle it that counts.
Conflict is not always a contest.
Everything you do or say is a step up or a step down the conflict escalator.
Win-Win is a belief and a process.
Win-Win Solutions...
 Are non-violent
 Meet important needs and interests of both parties
 Feel positive and satisfying to both parties

When you are assertive you show that you are strong and respectful.

2006. Educators for Social Responsibility. 1.800.370.2515 1

1. Active Listening
Guidelines for Group Discussion
• Limit the size of the group involved in a
dialogue. Divide the group in half using two  Sit in a circle
facilitators or provide a different activity
for the other half of the group so each  Use a talking stick
student has more opportunities to  Paraphrase previous
participate.
speaker
• Sit in a circle or horseshoe shape so that
everyone can see each other.  Say, “I agree___
• Identify behaviors that shut down
and…..”
discussion and make some students afraid  Write first, then speak
to speak; identify behaviors that encourage  Use a speaker’s list
all students to feel comfortable speaking.
 Use wait time
• Prepare students for oral presentations by
creating guidelines for being a responsive  Check for
audience before listening to oral understanding
presentations or guest speakers.
• Prepare a set of questions beforehand that students have helped to generate. You might want to
prioritize questions or identify three or four that students are eager to discuss.
• Use a speakers’ list to avoid constant hand raising and track who wants to speak. Rotate students
who manage the speakers’ list.
• Use a talking stick or small stuffed toys or soft fabric ball when students are involved in a whole
group or small group discussion—the only person who can speak is the person with the object.
• Use talking chips (plastic poker chips) to ensure that students share the air time. Each student
receives two or three chips; when students speak they set aside their chips in the upper right corner
of their desk.
• Increase “wait time” before inviting students to speak. Silence encourages deliberative thinking.
Use index cards or create a dialogue response sheet that students can use to compose their thoughts
before they speak, jot down follow-up questions, and reflect on the dialogue when it’s over.
• Limit talk time to less than a minute (“Twenty seconds please.”). Or limit the number of times each
person can speak (“You’ve spoken twice already. I want to hear what others have to say.”) For
students who always have to have the last word or who want to speak adnauseum. Say, “That’s an
interesting point. Let’s see what others have to say.”
• Use constraints for who can speak at any given time by inviting different sub-groups to respond
to different questions—boys, girls, certain letters of the alphabet, sides of the room, etc.
• Listen for and post verbal encouragers that students use to encourage each other to speak during
discussions and cooperative group work.
• Remind students about agreements/guidelines When students are talking out of turn or engaging
in side-bar conversations, remind students of the agreements/guidelines you have made about how
the group talks and listens during WHOLE GROUP DISCUSSIONS AND PRESENTATIONS.


• Have a procedure in place for students who talk during whole group listening activities. Your
procedure might sound like this: The first time I notice that you’re not focused on the speaker and
the task, I will give you a non-verbal cue, remind you of our guidelines, or assign you a quick-write
task to help you focus. The second time it happens during the same class, I will ask you to sit
somewhere else where you will be less distracted.
• Encourage students to empathize with another person’s circumstance in a current life situation, in
a piece of literature, or in a historical conflict. Ask, “How do you imagine this person feels?” or “How
would you feel if you were in that situation?” or “Why might someone feel (frustrated, angry,
confused, upset, etc.) in that situation?”
• Help students clarify their thinking and provide more detail using these questions and openers:
Tell us more about that.
Can you say more?
What other thoughts do you have about _________.
Is there anything else you want to say about _________?
What do you think that’s about?
Do you think other people see this the same way?
What else should we know about _________?
• Encourage students to clarify their viewpoints. Are they speaking from their own experience or
making observations about what they have read, heard, or seen.
• Remind students that listening doesn’t equal agreement. Respectful listening isn’t about agreeing
or disagreeing with the speaker —it’s about taking in what someone says and communicating that
you have understood them. Respectful speaking is about communicating your own thoughts and
feelings in ways that your audience will hear and understand. (For more suggestions see page
_____.)
• Discuss the differences between dialogue and debate. Many students never talk because they
always feel like they are in the middle of somebody else’s contest! With the whole class, brainstorm
a list of the differences between dialogue and debate. Think about how the goals differ, how
people attend and respond differently, and the strengths and limitations of each type of discourse.
• If the dialogue starts to feel combative or emotionally intense, stop for a minute and do a feeling/
reality check. Ask how people are feeling about what’s being said. How do others see this issue?
Who else wants to respond before we move on? Is there anyone else who has another opinion? Is
there anyone else who agrees?
• Remind students that changing positions isn’t backing down, but rather involves listeners in
reassessing their views after taking in more data and perspectives.
• Loaded, provocative, or negative language heats up tensions and sucks positive energy from the
room. You may want to encourage the group to think about how they want to call attention to
negative language. For example, a student might say, “I’m not sure that language helps us better
understand _____________” and then request that a word or phrase be replaced with less
emotionally charged language. Or say, “That crosses the line. Could you use language that’s more
neutral and less charged?”


Use Dialogue Protocols to Deconstruct Active Listening
Teachers ask all the time, “How do really practice and assess active listening?” One solution is to use
various dialogue protocols that focus on very specific active listening skills. Dialogue protocols help
students pay closer attention to the conversation. Structured discussions have the advantage of slowing
down thinking, thus, improving listening and encouraging participants to choose more carefully what
they say and how they say it. Experiment with these process suggestions to determine what structures
work best for different groups and different types of discussions.

involves…
 Non-verbal attending —demonstrating your full attention
through your body language and facial expression
 Interested silence when you ONLY listen
 Verbal encouragers that invite someone to continue speaking
 Restating what people say so that they know they’ve been
understood
 Checking for accuracy of understanding
 Empathizing by reflecting a speaker’s feelings in ways that
acknowledge the person’s emotional state and the feelings he/
she attaches to the issue being discussed
 Asking open-ended questions that give the speaker a chance
to clarify his/her thinking, provide more information, or
discuss underlying needs and concerns
 Summarizing key ideas, solutions, issues

Here are suggestions that call for students to use specific active listening skills:
• Read aloud every week.
• Use paired reading when students are working with challenging texts. Partners take turns reading
the text in small sections and then the other person paraphrases what the person just read.
• Try a “trio read and respond”. Students form trios and take turns reading the text with these two
instructions: 1) You can’t read more than a page when it’s your turn; and 2) You stop reading when
you’ve found something you want to discuss; something you’re confused about; something that feels
important to underscore; something that triggers a question; something that connects to the rest of
the text; or something that connects to your own experience.
• Time mini-lectures—10 to 15 minutes is about the limit for good retention. Students tend to be far
more attentive when they know the lecture will be over soon!


• Check for understanding by inviting a volunteer to paraphrase instructions. Or ask students to pair
up to clarify their understanding of an assignment, directions, a problem that is posed; then invite a
student to restate the problem, assignment, directions in their own words for the whole group.
• Every 10 to 15 minutes – take 2 to review—After a mini-lecture, read aloud, or video have
students work individually, in pairs, or home groups to review what they understood; fill in the gaps
from their notes independently, or respond to two or three questions.
• Start discussion with a “go-round” using an open-ended question where everyone who wants to
respond gets to speak before the group raises questions or shifts to back and forth dialogue.
• Use partner paraphrasing to practice listening for understanding. One partner explains a problem
or process or shares her/his perspective on a topic or question. The other person writes down the
explanation as accurately as possible. Then partners switch roles. This strategy is effective when you
want students to explain a mathematical solution step-by-step; summarize a lab experiment;
rehearse responses to essay questions; or describe causal relationships linked to a historical event.
• Before students rush to argue, ask them first to identify something they agree with that they’ve
heard before they share their perspective. Say “I agree with _____________ and I’d like to add/
ask _____________ .”
• Close with summary points linked to what students just heard or viewed by 1) pairing up and
writing down three key points to remember; 2) assigning numbers to students so that there are four
1’s, four 2’s, four 3’s, and so on – at the close of the lecture or discussion ask each group to put their
heads together and prepare a summary or a response to their assigned question. Take three
minutes for groups to talk it through and then share responses with the whole group. or 3) Taking a
two minute time-out to pair/share, write about, or reflect as a group on these questions: “What
issues are clearer for you? What’s still vague or confusing? What are the two or three things that
have been said that have helped to deepen your understanding of ___________?

Pair-Shares
This is a simple technique to get everyone engaged in conversation at the same time. Ideally it is a way
to brainstorm, begin discussion on a compelling question, frame a topic or study, exchange first thoughts,
or assess what people know.
Directions:
Students pair up in two’s facing each other in order to bring their knowledge, opinions,
and experiences to the topic at hand. The facilitator frames the issue and invites one person in each
pair to speak for one to two minutes in response to the question. Then the other partner speaks for one
to two minutes, thus reversing the roles of listener and speaker.
It is important to remind students that when they are in the role of listener, their goal is to focus their
complete attention on the speaker and listen in interested silence.
After the pair-share, invite students to share their own thoughts or paraphrase their partner’s thoughts
as a way to continue discussion. You might want to use newsprint to record various student responses
that reflect a range of ideas and opinions.


Listening Lab
A listening lab is a structured small group experience in which people deepen their understanding of
each other’s perspective through speaking and listening. Students who are reticent to speak in a large
group find this format a less intimidating way to share their thoughts with others. In groups of three to
five, students take turns responding to the same question. Each person has a specified amount of time
(45 – 90 seconds) to respond. When one student speaks, other students are expected to give that
student their full attention and interested silence. Listening labs are not a time for back and forth
conversation, but rather provide each student with an opportunity to share their perspectives and
experiences without being interrupted.
Directions:
Divide students into groups of three to five. Have students circle up so they can see each other. Here
are some guidelines for participating in a listening lab.
1. Speak from your own experience (your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives)
2. Sit with the silence if one person finishes speaking before time is up.
3. ONLY LISTEN; don’t comment on what the speaker says.
4. It’s okay to pass if you need more time to think or would rather not respond.
5. Be aware of your own comfort zone. Share what feels comfortable to share.
6. What’s said in the group stays in the group. Can we make an agreement that what we share
among ourselves in small groups will stay within the group?
Ask for a volunteer from each group who is willing to speak first. Have volunteers raise their hands so
that you know when all groups are ready to begin. State the question. Then clarify the question using an
example that illustrates various ways students might respond to it. Set your timer for about 45 seconds.
Repeat the question and say, “It’s time for the first person to speak.” When time is up, say, “It’s time for
the second person to speak.” Continue until each student in each group has had a chance to respond to
the question. The first time you use a listening lab, you might want to ask students,
• What was this process like for you?
• What did you notice about how you were listening?
• What did it feel like to be listened to in this way?
• What made this easy or challenging for you?
Sample Questions:
Literature: In groups of four, each student takes on the role of a character and responds to a series of
questions from the perspective of that character.
Science: Discuss social and ethical consequences of environmental policies.
Any subject: Use listening labs as a way to review essay questions, rehearse and prepare for
discussions, share project proposals or project findings.
Any subject: Use a listening lab before exams where students can share perspectives on what makes
exam time stressful; what they do to relax and focus; what kinds of “self-talk” and beliefs about
themselves will help them feel confident and prepared.
Personal Perspectives: Use any of the gathering and closing questions on pages _______ or the
reflection questions on pages______>


Paraphrasing Circles
This is a variation of the listening lab format. The goal is to use paraphrasing (accurately restating a
person’s thoughts in one’s own words) to ensure that everyone who speaks is understood. Each group of
three or four students sits in a circle facing each other. You might want all groups to discuss the same
issue or questions, or you can invite groups to choose which two to three questions they want to discuss
from a larger list of questions.
In paraphrasing circles, the first student in the group responds to the chosen question without being
interrupted. Then the second student paraphrases what the previous student said and checks for
accuracy. The first person can correct or clarify the restatement at this time. Then the second student
responds to the same question without being interrupted. The third person paraphrases the second
person, checks for accuracy, and shares her/his perspective on the question. This process is repeated
until everyone has a turn.
You might want to add one more part to each round. Invite one student from each small group to
summarize students’ perspectives by reporting out to the larger group. Or you might invite one student
to record any questions that arise after everyone in the small group has spoken.

Opinion Continuum
Moving opinion polls are a way to get students up and moving as they place themselves along a
STRONGLY AGREE to STRONGLY DISAGREE continuum according to their opinions about specific
statements. The most powerful aspect of this exercise is the insight, new to many students, that people
can disagree without fighting—in fact, people can listen to various points of view respectfully and even
rethink their own opinions upon hearing the views of others. Create a corridor of space in your room,
from one end to the other end, that is long enough and wide enough to accommodate your whole class.
Make two large signs and post them on opposite sides of the room:
Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Explain to students, “You will be participating in a moving opinion poll. Each time you hear
a statement you are to move to the place along the imaginary line between “strongly agree” and
“strongly disagree” that most closely reflects your opinion. If you strongly disagree you will move all the
way to that side of the room. If you strongly agree you will move all the way to the other side of the
room. You can also place yourself anywhere in the middle, especially if you have mixed feelings about
the question.”
“After you have placed yourselves along the continuum, I will invite people to share why they are
standing where they are. This is not a time to debate or grill each other. Rather, this is a way to hear
what people are thinking and get a sense of the different ways people perceive the issue.”
When you do this activity begin with a statement that indicates non-controversial preferences like,
“Chocolate is the best ice cream flavor in the world.” Then introduce statements related to a topic you’re
exploring in your course work. You might want to “muddy the water” by modifying statements slightly,
using different qualifiers, conditions, and contexts to see if students’ opinions shift. For example, one
statement might be, “Local communities should have a general curfew of midnight for all teens under
18.” Another statement might be, “Local communities should have a school night curfew of midnight for
all teens under 18.


2. Teach Students Seven Steps for Managing their
Emotions, Especially Anger
A few words about emotions:
There are more feelings than mad, bored, or fine. Having an accurate vocabulary for describing feelings is a
crucial step in dealing with them. Without the right words or the ability to express emotions, many people act
them out instead. The result is often impulsive behavior that leads to big trouble. Feelings drive our behavior
and can motivate us positively or negatively. Further, we can influence our emotions more than we might think.
Feelings don't make us do specific actions.
Feelings have different intensities and change over time. We don't have to act as if each circumstance is extreme
and permanent. One important goal is to make appropriate matches between what we feel and what we do.
(When I feel somewhat irritated, I might … When I feel really furious, I might …) All feelings are okay, although
how a person acts will have positive or negative consequences for them and other people.
Feelings can conflict with other feelings, complicating their impact. It can be hard to navigate between competing
emotions, such as feeling both attracted to and afraid of an experience, person or task. With some self-
awareness and self-management, people can make choices even when feeling strong or conflicting emotions.
The handout, “Feelings, Moods, and Attitudes” on page_____, is not a strict list of emotions. Instead it includes a
wider range of expressions that adolescents might use or find useful. Encourage students to add to the list. For
students whose emotions vocabulary is comprised mainly of curse words, particularly for anger, this can be a
challenging and helpful exercise.
Instead of identifying one's own emotions, many people name others' emotions, express judgments, or name
behaviors. "He is embarrassed" might mean "I feel guilty." "She's a witch" might mean "I feel hurt." "I can't sit still"
might mean "I am anxious." In each case, naming one's own feelings usually leads to healthier ways of dealing
with those feelings and the relationships involved.
1. Find the words for your feelings and others' feelings. Go beyond using the words “mad” and “bored.” Don't
settle for one word if you feel angry; there's probably another. Are you embarrassed and angry, sad and
angry, hurt and angry? Learn the difference between thoughts and feelings. Learn words that describe the
intensity of the feeling. Practice reading other people's emotions. Use the handout, “Feelings, Moods, and
Attitudes” on page____.
2. Know your anger cues. How do you know that you’re getting angry? What are the physical signs of anger?
What happens to your body, your voice, your face, your stance, etc.?
3. Identify your anger triggers. What behaviors are “triggers” for you – whenever someone _______, I feel
_______. Or, whenever I experience _______ I’m likely to feel__________. When you’re feeling really
angry, what DON’T want someone to do or say? What response is likely to make you even more angry?
4. Learn and practice reducers that help you cool down, stay in charge and release your feelings in a healthy
way. What you’re already IN ANGRY what can you do or say to yourself to feel calmer and more in control
of your emotions? What can someone else say or do that will help you? (See Anger Mountain on page ___)
5. Take responsibility for your behavior – be aware of the things you do and say that lead other people to be
upset and angry with you. Some of them are predictable!
6. Communicate – Express your feelings in ways that others can hear what you have to say. How can you say
what you feel, what you need, or what’s bothering you without attacking and accusing the other person? (See
section on Assertion on page ___)
7. Reflect on how you manage your emotions. Assess what’s working and what’s not. Congratulate yourself when
you’ve handled a difficult situation well. Try out other strategies that might help you handle situations more
constructively.


Feelings, Moods, and Attitudes
accepted depressed grossed out nervous shocked
afraid desperate guilty obstinate shut down
affectionate determined happy open shy
agitated disconcerted hateful optimistic silly
aggressive discouraged heartbroken overwhelmed sorrowful
aggravated disappointed helpless pained spiteful
amazed disgusted hopeful panicked stubborn
ambivalent disillusioned horrified paranoid stuck
amused disrespected hostile peaceful sulky
angry distracted humiliated peeved supported
annoyed down hurt perplexed surprised
anxious eager hysterical playful suspicious
appreciative ecstatic impatient persecuted sympathetic
argumentative elated independent pessimistic tenacious
arrogant embarrassed indifferent positive tense
ashamed empty indignant powerful terrific
awestruck energized inferior powerless terrified
awkward enraged inspired prepared ticked off
bad enthusiastic intimidated proud threatened
belligerent envious irate psyched thrilled
bored exasperated irritated puzzled timid
brave excited jazzed reflective trusted
calm excluded jealous refreshed uncertain
cautious fearful jolly regretful uncomfortable
cheerful fearless joyful rejected uneasy
closed focused juiced relieved unsafe
comfortable foolish jumpy remorseful up
confident frenzied livid repulsed upset
confused friendly lonely respected vengeful
contemptuous frightened loved righteous victimized
content frustrated loving sad victorious
courageous furious mad safe vindictive
crabby good malicious satisfied warm
cranky goofy mellow scared wary
curious grateful mischievous secure weary
defeated greedy miserable self-assured weird
defensive grief-stricken mortified self-conscious wistful
delighted grouchy negative self-pitying worried


When you go up Anger Mountain…
Your adrenaline keeps
you climbing until you
release your anger, lose
control, or harm others.

TRIGGER

Your 8
second
window
You can’t THINK when you’re
IN ANGRY!!!

You have 8 seconds
before you think STUPID!!!!

How do I know that I’m getting
angry? What happens in my body,
Know your cues to my voice, with my movements, on
my face?

What sets me off? What makes me
Know your triggers really MAD? FRUSTRATED? UPSET?

What can I do for that will help me
cool down and regain control?
Know your reducers What can others do to help me cool
down and regain control?


3. Conflict Escalation and De-escalation
Here’s the situation:
Kiesha accidentally spills catsup on Monica’s brand new
white silk jacket.

Monica: “Look what you
did to my jacket!!!


When conflicts escalate, what you can do to go down or
get off the escalator?
In every conflict you have the power to escalate or de-escalate the situation. You always have a
choice. All conflicts share these common elements:
1. Conflicts are normal and they’re neither bad or good – how we choose to handle conflict,
however, will produce positive or negative results.
2. Conflicts involve a clash between each person’s needs and goals in a specific situation in a
specific moment in time. Our goals and needs change constantly.
3. No one comes to a conflict empty handed – we each bring a suitcase filled with: a limited or
plentiful set of skills and resources; our prior experiences in similar situations; our perceptions,
assumptions, and attitudes about the other person; and our current mood and emotional state.
4. What we do and say will either move us a step up to a major confrontation or a step down to a
place where each of us can keep our respect and dignity intact, whether we choose to problem
solve or walk away.
5. ANGER is the motor that drives the conflict escalator. Each step up the escalator
gets more emotionally charged. The further up we go, the harder it is to get off
the escalator.

Here’s a typical adolescent encounter that can be a non-incident Teacher: “And that just got
or become a full-blown explosion. It all depends on the you a trip to the Dean.”
teachers’ knowledge of the student, the teacher’s primary goal
in the moment, and the teacher’s de-escalation skills.
Michael: “What attitude?
You’re the one with the attitude.
Here’s the situation: F--- you.”
When the student enters the Teacher: (more angry this time)
classroom, the teacher says, “Don’t use that tone with me. Your
“Michael, where are those attitude’s getting you nowhere fast.”
two assignments?”

Michael: (a little more hostile
and aggressively: “Can I just
breathe?”
It’s easy to fixate on the thing a
student didn’t do or didn’t get
Teacher: “Excuse me? I asked right – no assignment, no pencil,
for those assignments. Do you no materials, etc.
have them or not?” The risk is “picking up the rope”
and forcing a power struggle
that teachers never win.
Michael: “Can I breathe?”
Teacher: He knows this student is
prickly, so he backs off NOW and
says, “Absolutely. Get settled and
we’ll catch up later.”
Teacher: When students are working
independently, he checks in with Michael
privately to discuss the status of the
assignments.


4. The Four F Words of Conflict Styles
You express your feelings, needs, wants,
FIGHT and ideas at the expense of others; you use
threats, verbal and psychological attacks,
(Force; Direct) and physical force to meet your goals; you
try to dominate and use your power over
others.

You choose not to express your feelings,
Flight needs, or ideas; you ignore or deny your
own rights and needs which allows others to
(Avoidance) infringe on them; you may choose to get out
of the way for reasons of safety and survival.

You are unable to express your feelings,

Fright needs, or ideas, even if you wanted to; you
"freeze up" or feel paralyzed or powerless
to do anything; you may get "run over"
(Accommodation) before you gain enough control and
confidence to act.

You are willing to "flow" with the other
person, by establishing rapport, by listening
Flow to other points of view, and by sharing a
willingness to problem solve; you express
(Collaboration your feelings and needs and stand up for
and Compromise) your ideas in ways that do not violate the
rights and respect of the other person.


You always have choices when you respond to a
conflict. You can…
 Fight (“Force and demand; My way or the highway”)
 Flight (“Avoid it, ignore it, exit, deny it”)
 Give in (“Let it go”; “Smooth it over”; “You want this more than I do”)
 Postpone (“Save it for later”)

Problem Solve:
• CHECK IT OUT and notice, observe, and ask questions
before you decide what to do
• LISTEN when someone’s upset
• ASSERT by focusing on your “No’s”, needs, and feelings
• NEGOTIATE (“Let’s talk it out and come up with a solution
that works for both of us.”)
10

Fight

Postpone

Flight Give In
0
Goals

Relationship 0 10


Teach A, B, C, D, E problem solving:
Take time to teach everyone A, B, C, D, E problem solving. This five step process is used throughout the
guide for individual, interpersonal, and group problem solving. Other sample problem solving protocols
are included in the handouts at the end of this chapter. (See Practice 5 pages___).
 ASSESS the situation and ASK, What’s the problem? How do you feel the situation? What do
you each need? What interests do we have in common?
 BRAINSTORM at least three possible solutions (Picture what the situation would look like if it
were solved. Do this without criticizing or evaluating anything suggested.)
 CONSIDER each CHOICE CAREFULLY (How does each choice meet the needs and interests of
everyone involved? What are the benefits of each choice? What are the negative constraints
and limitations? Is the choice respectful, responsible, and reasonable? Cross out the choices that
the group feels are the least effective.)
 DECIDE on the best choice and DO it (Discuss the remaining choices and come to agreement on
the best solution. Be mindful that the best choice might include a combination of several possible
solutions.)
 EVALUATE your decision after it has been implemented (What happened? Did it work? What
evidence do you have that it worked effectively? Is there anything that would help the group
implement the solution more effectively?)

Use three minute problem solving for interpersonal conflicts
When two students are involved in an interpersonal conflict, offer students an option to resolve it in
three minutes using this protocol:
1) What happened and why is it a problem?
2) What do you each of you need to solve the problem or improve the situation?
3) What are two solutions you would both be willing to try to resolve the problem?
Check back with both of them in five minutes to hear their solutions. Ask them to choose the one that will
work for both of them.


5. Teach the differences between aggressive,
passive, and assertive speech and behavior
Students have the right to express their needs, interests, feelings, and opinions in class. And they also have
the responsibility to say and do it in ways that don’t hurt, insult, or disrespect others. Assertive speech
enables people to take care of themselves AND take care with other people. (I can express myself and
stand up for myself without being mean and nasty to the other person.)
Sounds easy enough, but most students don’t know the difference between aggressive and assertive
speech and behavior. The handout on page___ provides openers that help students use assertive
language. The handout on page ____ helps clarify the differences between aggressive, passive, and
assertive speech. Be mindful of all the opportunities when you can model assertion and offer explicit
invitations for students to practice assertive speech.

ASSERTIVE PA S S I V E
NOT
Name what you’re thinking and feeling, I ALLOW OTHERS TO TAKE
what you need and want. ADVANTAGE OF ME BY
Give others information that can help them CHOOSING
understand your situation. Nobody can NOT TO ACT OR NOT TO SAY
read your mind. WHAT
I REALLY FEEL, NEED, WANT OR
Let others know when you’re frustrated, THINK
angry, or upset so they don’t have to “What ever” “I don’t
guess your mood. care”….
Say what’s bothering you and what you NOT “I guess so” (silence,
want to stop mumbling, or whining)
Point out how someone’s decision or action
affects you
Say what you like and don’t like
Ask for help when you need it. I get what I need and want at the
expense of others – I use rude,
Make suggestions and state your crude, mean, disrespectful, or
preferences. abusive speech
Say “NO” when you really need to “That was so stupid.” “You
never___” “Why can’t


Find the Right Words to Be
From blaming and
From complaining, confusion, or
attacking to …. From speaking for or
helplessness to….
about others to….
I feel ____ when
I need / I want / I’d like_____ you_______
Help me understand_________ because______.
I
I’d really like some help _____ It bothers me when_____. I’d feel_________
like you to ______. I see_________
I’m feeling_______about____. I think________
Can we talk about this? I don’t like it when _____. I
want you to ___________ I noticed______
I’m confused. Can you tell me I wonder______
more about___________? I know you didn’t mean
I
any disrespect, but that’s
how it felt.
From denial and making Please stop _____
excuses to…. From just going along or
From saying “YES” when you saying nothing to.…
really mean “NO” to….
Well that didn’t
go well. What if I’d much rather
we_________? That’s not going to work for _______ if that’s
me. I need to take a pass this okay with you.
Okay, I messed time.
up. I’d like to fix For me, it would work
it. I’m really not interested. You better if_______.
okay with that?
Here’s what I’d like to
I need to say no for right now. sugggest….

I see that differently.
It sounds like you think_____. I think_______.
From putting down someone I see your point and here’s how I see the
else’s idea to…. situation.
I guess we’re agreeing to disagree on this
one. Are we good?


Aggressive, Passive, or Assertive: What’s the Difference?
Aggressive ~ I get what I want and need at Passive ~ I allow others to take advantage of Assertive ~ I take care of myself by
the expense of others – by dominating or hurting me by choosing not to act and not expressing my expressing my needs, thoughts, and feelings, while
others physically or emotionally feelings, needs, or thoughts showing respect and decency toward others

Sounds like You put down the other person, Sounds like You never really say what you feel, Sounds like You share your needs, requests, and
attack and accuse: "You’re such a …;" "You always want, and need. “Whatever, it doesn’t really opinions honestly and openly. "I need to …" "I feel
…"; "You never …" matter to me.” "I guess so.” … when … because …"
You blame, assume, stereotype; you’re argumentative You’re silent or withhold information; you speak so You listen attentively even if you disagree, and
and interrupt a lot. softly others can’t really hear you; you apologize a appreciate others' efforts to listen. You speak up.
lot and blame others. You go along even if you You take responsibility when you mess up.
Your voice is loud, dramatic, hostile. Your language really don’t want to.
is often mean, negative, rude, abusive, sarcastic. Your voice is even, calm, friendly. Your language is
You whine and wear people down. respectful, neutral or positive.

Looks like Getting in someone’s face; eye- Looks like Shoulder shrugs; you look weighted Looks like Relaxed; open expression and
rolling; threatening, confrontational posture; down; you don’t make eye contact; you look posture that invites conversation; matching how the
invading someone’s personal space; dramatic arm withdrawn like you’re trying to hide; you pout, other person is sitting or standing; side by side
movements; pointing fingers frown; you look flustered rather than eyeball to eyeball

Pay-off's You get what you demand most of the Pay-off's You avoid confrontation or taking Pay-off's You keep your dignity and self-respect;
time; you stay in control; others see you as powerful responsibility. You don’t get blamed. Using the silent you get your needs met more often; you maintain
; you protect yourself treatment, you can ruin someone’s good time without respect for others; you value others; you use your
being aggressive. power positively

Costs Your behavior can be dangerous and Costs You don’t feel in control of your emotions Costs It takes time. You may experience more
destructive; you may alienate and use other people. very often; you get anxious, resentful, angry a lot. conflict, although you have more tools to handle it
People may not like you. You fear not being in Instead of expressing it you seethe inside; you lose effectively. Even when you’re sensitive to other’s
control and then lose control when you don’t get your self-respect; you give up being yourself. Other needs and feelings, they can still feel uncomfortable
what you want. You put on a front for others and people walk over you. You don’t have many real with your directness and reject what you’re saying.
can isolate yourself. friends.


When you feel disrespected by
another student, you can….

What can I do immediately to collect
myself and keep my self-control?

What can I say that will help
me take care of myself, send a
strong message, and de-
escalate the situation?

Say your Say the person’s name and
message show respect.
Say, “I feel disrespected

 when you……. Please don’t
say/do that again.”

Don’t wait for an apology or change of attitude.
Exit You said what you needed to say, and now you
need to leave the scene, walk the other way, or
focus your attention elsewhere.


When someone is bothering you,
you can….

What can I do immediately to collect
myself and keep my self-control?

What can I say that will help
me take care of myself, send a
strong message, and de-
escalate the situation?

Say the person’s name and
Say your show respect.
message Say, “I don’t like it when you
______________________. I

 want you to stop.”

Don’t wait for an apology or change of attitude.

Exit You said what you needed to say, and now you
need to leave the scene, walk the other way, or
focus your attention elsewhere.


Conflict is a disagreement over
resources, goals, values, beliefs, or
psychological needs.

Conflict is a normal and natural part of
life.
Conflict can be positive.
Conflict is neither good nor bad ~ It’s how you
handle it that counts.
Conflict is not always a contest.
Everything you do or say is a step up or a
step down the conflict escalator.

Win-Win is a belief and a process.
Win-Win Solutions...
 Are non-violent
 Meet important needs and interests of both
parties
 Feel positive and satisfying to both parties

When you are assertive you show that you are
strong and respectful.


Assertive
 Name what you’re thinking and feeling, what you
need and want.
 Give others information that can help them
understand your situation. Nobody can read your
mind.
 Let others know when you’re frustrated, angry, or
upset so they don’t have to guess your mood.
 Say what’s bothering you and what you want to
stop
 Point out how someone’s decision or action
affects you
 Say what you like and don’t like
 Ask for help when you need it.
 Make suggestions and state your preferences.
 Say “NO” when you really need to


Cps conflict resolution #1

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