Supporting Your Children After Divorce, Ages 6 through 8

Supporting Your Children After Divorce
A Summary ~ Ages 6 to 8

A Period of Self-Discovery
Transitioning from a world at home to the world of peers at school
Getting along with peers
Demands of classroom learning
Sitting still
Watching the teacher
Remembering what she said
Following instructions
Capable of expressing emotions, fears, and problems verbally
Seeks independence, mastery and accomplishment
Begins to compare himself to others
Has a better understanding of cause and effect, but still doesn’t see the relationship between pre-divorce conflict and divorce
Knows that mom and dad don’t control the world
Understands numbers, time
No concept of geography, space, distance

A Period of Self-Discovery
Peer group is more important in shaping self-image.
Base much of their self-image on how they and others perceive their parents
Wants to fit in
Aware of and affected by the feelings of others
Fears: being laughed at, that he may fail in relation to peers

Instability at home leads to insecure feelings at school and with peers.
The child needs to know that home life is stable to have the confidence to step out at school.

Post-divorce Reactions
Sad about the loss of the intact family
Worried about being different from peers
Problems typically manifest at school.
Anger, including misplaced anger (which may lead to isolation from peers)
Inability to focus at school
May lose a year of school work
Danger that they may fall behind, fail to learn how to read
Withdrawal

Post-divorce Reactions (continued)
May hide/deflect feelings
May blame every disappointment on the divorce
Blame themselves
More comfortable feeling guilty & in control than faultless & at the mercy of random events
More comfortable blaming themselves than parents
Dreams that his parents will reunite
Hidden sadness
May regress (thumb-sucking, bed-wetting)

Post-divorce Reactions (continued)
Worried about parents
Worried about parents’ well-being
Want to protect parents from their sad feelings
Worried about being replaced
May be possessive and threatened by new people in your life.
May choose to talk about divorces in other families, how divorce affects other kids, rather than talk about their own feelings
Changes in eating or sleeping patterns
Diminished interest or loss of interest in activities that were previously engaging
Sudden changes in behavior
Drastically different behavior at home compared to behavior at school

The child wants to know…
“Will my parents hold things steady so that I can count on them when I really need them?”

The Child Needs…
To feel secure in having a family he can count on.
Reassurance of your love
To know that you’re concerned and thinking of him
To know that things are settling down
To know that mom and dad are in control
To know that he still has both parents
To get back to normal activities and find them engaging and absorbing
Your comfort, encouragement, and availability to help with school work.
Your comfort, encouragement, and availability to give advice for interactions with peers.

Make Sure Your Child Understands That…
The divorce is not the child’s fault.
Nothing the child did, thought, felt or said led to the divorce.
He was born into a loving family.
He is and will always be safe.
You’ll always be there for him.
Your child will have contact with both parents (if true).
He will always have both parents and remain in touch with extended family (if true).
Many other children have divorced parents too.
Many kids want their parents to get back together.
If true, explain that your divorce is final.
You are concerned about what your child is going through.
You want the child to focus on school, activities and friendships.

How Parents Can Help
Provide regular, frequent contact with both parents.
Assure your child that the noncustodial parent is comfortable in his/her new home. Take a trip to the noncustodial parent’s residence so the child can see this with his own eyes.
Explain the reasons for the divorce itself, plans for housing, visitation, and how this will fit in with extracurricular activities.
Explain upcoming changes in advance.
Never criticize your ex around your child. (Watch your nonverbal cues.)

Be in control of your emotions.
It’s okay to be sad, even cry, just not for an extended period of time.
Don’t try to hide your emotions from them. Your kids will learn to hide their feelings too.
Try to maintain a calm, positive attitude, to help your child feel that you are in control.
If you feel free because of your divorce, be sensitive. Hosting a “freedom party” may be confusing and hurtful to your children.
Establish and stick to a normal daily routine.
Maintain consistency.
Across both parents’ homes if possible
Don’t break promises.
Don’t change things without notice.
Anticipate signs of stress.

Encourage children to talk about feelings.
Talk to teachers, babysitters, etc. about the divorce. Ask how your child is responding and ask to be informed of changes in behavior.
Provide support, encouragement and opportunities for friendships, help with school work, and activities.
Find ways to allow your child to participate in extracurricular activities, birthday parties, sleepovers, opportunities to develop peer relationships.
Find the time to help with school work and homework.
Show awareness, concern, and interest in how your child is handling family change.

Specific Situations
Handling acting out, inability to focus, withdrawn behaviors
Remember that the child is not trying to make your life miserable. He’s just worried and feeling insecure.
Be firm about unacceptable behavior, but generous in offering reassurance, understanding, and support for how the child may be feeling.
Ask the child to talk to you about feelings rather than acting out.
Ask how you can help the child reduce his worry.
Praise improvements in behavior.

Specific Situations
Gently correct a child who blames every disappointment on the divorce.
Acknowledge the child’s feelings and disappointment.
Clarify the actual reasons for the disappointment.
Provide evidence that the child is loved and cared for.
Help the child create a plan to feel better.

Symptoms of Hidden Sadness
The child
Never mentions the divorce or separation
Never mentions the absence of one parent
Seems overly eager to help
Often makes comforting statements, “I’m here for you,” “I’ll always love you.”
Unfazed by parental conflict
Unfazed by missing a planned visitation
General lack of emotion
Less enthusiastic about people, things, and activities he enjoyed before
Shows a new attraction to sad movies, books and news
Look for symptoms of withdrawal, denial, or depression.

Addressing Hidden Sadness
Initiate a conversation
Explain that sadness is normal and healthy after family changes
Offer to listen to the child’s feelings
Offer to help the child to come up with a plan to feel better.

Specific Situations
When your child becomes fixated on another family’s divorce or tragedy
Mirror what the child says, realizing that they may be attributing their feelings to others.
Ask questions. (Be careful that they are not leading questions).
Provide reassuring, honest answers.
Remind your child that every family is different.
Remind your child that you will always love and be there for them.

References
Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way. Nueman, M. Gary.
What About The Kids? Wallerstein, Judith.

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Supporting Your Children After Divorce, Ages 6 through 8

by SashaMTownsend on Jan 24, 2010

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Supporting Your Children After Divorce, Ages 6 through 8 — Presentation Transcript