A comprehensive overview of the research about what happens before, during, and after divorce and a focus on exploding the popular myths about marriage and divorce.

1. Kevin Karlson JD PhD

2.  Education
 PhD Psychology
 JD Law degree
 Experience
 30 years experience as consultant, marriage
counselor, child custody expert, divorce recovery
 Personal experience
 Divorced

3.  A one to one ratio between positive and negative interactions
(for happy couples the ratio of positive/negative interactions is 20
to 1).
 Mutual criticism (personal attacks on character, NOT complaints
about specific behavior).
 Defensiveness (“no I didn’t”, “yes but…”, “let’s talk about what
YOU did…” or other denials of any personal responsibility).
 Stonewalling (refusing to talk in order to avoid conflict).
 Contempt for the partner (eye rolling, sarcastic humor, mocking).
 The presence of these 5 behaviors in any couple are DANGER
signs:
 Couples who act like this have an 85% probability of divorce within 2
years.

4.  People who have second thoughts before the
wedding are more likely to divorce
 People who fail to reach detailed agreements
about money (a budget), and children are
more likely to divorce (especially in 2nd
marriages which are high risk anyway)
 Biggest risks: years 5-7 and 10-12 of a
marriage

5.  Researchers interviewed a large group of
married couples
 A significant number of those couples described
their current marriage as “very unhappy”
 When these same “ very unhappy” couples were
interviewed 2 years later, more than 80% of them
described their marriage as “very HAPPY”
 Lesson:When in doubt, do nothing and wait;
the storm will pass.

6.  21 And the Spirit makes it possible to submit humbly to
one another out of respect for the Anointed.
 22 Wives, it should be no different with your husbands.
Submit to them as you do to the Lord, 23 for God has
given husbands a sacred duty to lead as the Anointed
leads the church and serves as the head. (The church
is His body; He is her Savior.) 24 So wives should
submit to their husbands, respectfully, in all things,
just as the church yields to the Anointed One.
 25-26 Husbands, you must love your wives so deeply,
purely, and sacrificially that we can understand it only
when we compare it to the love the Anointed One has
for His bride, the church.

7.  Marital difficulties are ALWAYS a spiritual issue
with real world symptoms
 Marital harmony is a fruit of the Spirit
 For those who follow Him and live in the Spirit, these
characteristics or fruits are a gift from God. As we
grow in the faith, we find that we belong to God and
can walk daily in the Spirit. The Holy Spirit produces
a different kind of fruit: unconditional love, joy, peace,
patience, kindheartedness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, and self-control.You won’t find any law
opposed to fruit like this. Galatians 5:21-24

8.  Worldly wisdom may promise the good life, but it leads to
chaos and destruction every time. Ultimately true wisdom
comes from God.Where do you think your fighting
and endless conflict come from? Don’t you think that they
originate in the constant pursuit of gratification that rages
inside each of you like an uncontrolled militia? James 4:1-3

9.  We wrestle not with flesh and blood but…
▪ Ephesians 6:12
 All our thoughts are not our own
▪ Matthew 16:22-23
 Take every thought captive
▪ 2 Corinthians 10:5
 Separate them from the evil within
▪ Romans 7: 15-17
 Forgive; it’s not optional
▪ Luke 23:34 Matthew 6:14-15

10. PSYCHOLOGICAL FACTOR
 Equal # positives/negatives
 Criticism (character attacks)
 Defensiveness
 Stonewalling
 Contempt
POSSIBLE SPIRITS
 Unforgiveness? Bitterness
 Accusation ?
 Pride?
 Stubborness?
 Murder with the tongue ?

11.  Recognizing the spirits at work
 pride
 un-forgiveness
 bitterness
 accusation
 control/domination
 rebellion
 murder of the tongue

12.  Recognize the spirit(s) in you
 Repent
 Receive forgiveness
 THEN
 Respond in love
 Say “No” to the flashcards of past wrongs
 Resist when they return
▪ James 4:7
 Replace them with Scripture

13.  When you stumble
 Repent
 Forgive yourself, God has; you’re only human
 Pray
 Start over
 Pray for your spouse every day; in front your
kids
 Ask God to bless them

14.  Your spouse may never change
 Your changed response to every interaction
will change the relationship over time
 Be diligent, patient, believe that God will
move

16. What if the Enemy wins this battle, an d divorce seems likely

17.  Traditional divorce
 Each spouse hires a lawyer
 File paperwork; get served
 Discovery: documents, depositions, experts
 Hearings, mediation, trial
 Collaborative divorce
 2 lawyers, financial expert, MHP
 No court, ever
 Series of meetings to settle money, property, kids
 New option
 Pre-divorce mediation (parties only; no lawyers)

18.  The prevailing myth: 60 days or so
 The truth: average divorce in Dallas area now
takes about 15 MONTHS; more if it is a high
conflict case
 Collaborative cases are shorter

19.  The myth: a few thousand dollars
 The truth: the average US divorce costs $15K
in legal and expert fees (average family
income is around $60K; average net worth is
about $250K, property is usually cars, house,
401K)
 Increasing net worth increases divorce costs:
 Up to about $5M, fees are around $100K
 North of $5M, fees rapidly increase to >$1M

20.  The myth: I will get to tell my story to the
judge, and he will side with me and give me
everything I want
 The truth: Never happens
 No spouse gets their “day in court” to tell their
story
 Lawyers and judges are obligated to solve the
LEGAL issues: property division,
custody/visitation, money– period
 Bad facts lead to 55/45 property division

21.  The myth: My spouse was a jerk and the kids
will never have to see him again
 The truth: Unless dad was abusive or
substance abuser (confirmed by 3rd
party/experts), dad will get at least 1st, 3rd,
and 5th weekends and summer visitation
 Parents can agree to 50/50 visitation
 10 years after divorce, 78% of children reside
primarily with mothers

22. And after the legal divorce has concluded, then what

23. EMOTIONAL
 Denial
 Anger
 Bargaining
 Depression
 Acceptance
 Forgiveness
SPIRITUAL
 Confusion, Fear
 Bitterness
 Doubt; Fear
 Oppression; Death
 Faith, Peace
 Forgiveness

24.  For adults
 Personal-Roles, Relationships, Future Plans
 Emotional
 Family/Parental
 Economic
 For kids
 Loss of an intact family
 Mom’s house/Dad’s house
 Ongoing conflict between parents
 Emotional risks

25.  Personal-Roles, Relationships, Future Plans
 Emotional
 Family/Parental
 Economic

26.  Nearly everyone recovers; many grow
 Recovery takes time and faith
 Recovery requires time alone
 Recovery requires self care
 Recovery requires loving not romantic
relationships
 Recovery requires a new vision for the future
 Recovery is a spiritual as well as emotional
challenge

27.  Discover/create a new identity
 Re/discover your personal
 Vision
 Purpose/Mission
 Values/Beliefs
 Goals and a strategy for achieving them
 Career
 Epitaph

28.  Friends
 What kind of a friend are you?
 What kind of friends do you want?
 What kind of friends do you have now?
 Parents
 What kind of a parent are you?
 How do you treat your own parents?
 What kind of parent do you want to be?
 Partners
 What did you learn about yourself as a partner from your
marriage? CAPT; Love languages
 What do you want to do differently next time?

29.  Your financial vision for your future
 Budgeting
 Being a good steward
 Tithing
 (Read “The Blessed Life” by Pastor Robert)
 A shared financial vision (and budget) is
critical to marital peace and success

30.  Marriage belongs to the Kingdom; divorce
belongs to the Enemy’s kingdom
 Spiritual challenges/temptations of divorce
 Paul in Galatians 5:
▪ It’s clear that our flesh entices us into practicing some of
its most heinous acts: participating in corrupt sexual
relationships, impurity, unbridled lust, 20 idolatry,
witchcraft, hatred, arguing, jealousy, anger, selfishness,
contentiousness, division, 21 envy of others’ good fortune,
drunkenness, drunken revelry, and other shameful vices
that plague humankind.

31.  Un-forgiveness
 Spirits of bitterness
 Spirits of accusation
 Spirits of control/domination
 Murder with the tongue

32.  Loss of an intact family
 Mom’s house/Dad’s house
 Ongoing conflict between parents
 Emotional risks (for about 1 of 3 kids)
▪ Four times more like to have problems with peers
▪ Three times more likely to need counseling
▪ Two times more likely to drop out of school
▪ As adults, two times more likely to be suicidal

33.  Loss of an intact family
 Mom’s house/Dad’s house
 Ongoing conflict between parents
 Emotional risks (for about 1 of 3 kids)
▪ Four times more like to have problems with peers
▪ Three times more likely to need counseling
▪ Two times more likely to drop out of school
▪ As adults, two times more likely to be suicidal

34. ▪ Four times more
likely to be poor
▪ More likely to have
behavior problems
▪ Mother is more likely
to be depressed
▪ More likely to
experience asthma/
respiratory illnesses
 More likely to be victim
of abuse
 More likely to be sexually
active as a teen
 More likely to abuse
drugs/alcohol
 More likely to end up in
jail

35. For more information

36. Based on the book by Dr. Karlson