Advanced Practice Tools for Lawyers Managing Borderline PD Clients
1. Emotionally needy clients are the scourges of most family lawyers, and the extreme and most
troublesome of these clients are not just situationally stressed, rather they live a life
characterized by crisis, drama, anxiety, and depression. These extreme examples, who are
usually the central characters in most high conflict divorces and post-divorce child custody
dispute dramas, are usually women who could be (or have been) diagnosed as borderline
personality disorder (BPD).
To be diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder by a trained mental health professional
under the DSM-V, the client must show “a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal
relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning in early adulthood
and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following”; My
common sense explanations follow in [brackets]:
*Note: A surprising number of LPCs, Counselors, and Marriage and Family Therapists, and even some
psychologists still are NOT sufficiently trained to use the DSM nor recognize these BPD characteristics
and patterns! Be aware!
BPD Criteria (from DSM-V)
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment [They hate and fear being alone
will do anything to avoid being left alone; very clingy]
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating
between extremes of idealization and devaluation [You’re either amazingly wonderful or
completely worthless, depending on their mood; Black and white thinking is common]
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
[These women don’t know who they are; they are actresses playing the part of a normal
person, but can change parts in a second]
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., substance
abuse, binge eating, and reckless driving) [Prone to alcoholism, prescription drug abuse,
multiple plastic surgeries, yo-yo dieting, uncontrolled spending, impulsive affairs]
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior [Most have
a history of suicidal thinking or gestures or cutting dating back to adolescence]
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,
irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
[These marked and rapid mood changes lead many spouses to mistakenly call them
“bipolar”; they’re not but they are volatile and unpredictable]
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness [This drives these women to fill the empty space with
children, activity (excessive workouts), lots of superficial social relationships, buying stuff
to attain status or recognition, and impulsive sexual encounters]
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of
temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) [Very likely to be an initiator or active
participant in DV episodes, especially when drinking or misusing prescriptions; potential
episodic child abuse]
3150 Avenueof theStarsSuite1334 Frisco,TX75034 Phone: 972.839.2394 Email:Karlson.kevin@gmail.com
Advanced Practice Series for Lawyers: The Borderline Client by Kevin Karlson JDPhD
2. 9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms [When
stressed, these women can misread ambiguous social signals and become irrationally
fearful; also can have major memory lapses and deny actual events that they are
embarrassed about with convincing certainty]
(Adapted from DSM-V published by the American Psychiatric Association)
Managing BPD Clients in Family Law Litigation
Just to be clear, these women (the vast majority of BPDs are women) do not look or act
“crazy” when you first meet them; they are bright, sociable, creative, and frequently
successful in business or social organizations before the divorce. Once the stress of the
divorce exceeds their limited coping capacity however, the BPD characteristics will break
through in spades.
Since one third of all divorces are “high conflict”, and in my experience, nearly all of those
high conflict divorces are composed of couples with a narcissistic (NPD) husband and a
borderline (BPD) wife, when you find yourself representing the wife, what do you do?
Here are some concrete suggestions:
1. When your client’s initial story is filled with drama, drinking, fighting, multiple
separations and reunions, affairs, and shrinks, suspect BPD.
2. These clients need predictability and structure-explain what’s going to happen,
manage expectations, and give them deadlines for them to meet, but one at a
time.
3. Meet with the client for a short meeting once a week to provide a sense of
emotional predictability and build trust. Don’t wait till the day before the hearing
to prepare; the stress will lead to goofy behavior and poor performance if your
client has to testify.
4. These clients will suck your time and emotional resources down to 0; set limits
on unscheduled phone calls to 10 minutes or less. (They are calling to avoid
feeling abandoned, so the stories and drama will go on for a long time if you let
them.)
5. Take the time to get a detailed marital history early, and face to face (not on a
form) so you get a feel for the challenges of keeping them on track in court.
6. Take the time to rehearse direct and cross in preparation for hearings (and
depositions) and explain the relevant rules of evidence (hearsay, responsiveness
to questions especially) or your client is certain to perform badly under the stress
of being in court.
When BPDs are stressed, they become increasingly anxious, and sometimes depressed. (If
they fail to keep appointments or return discovery documents, assume that they are
depressed) Many are already on anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds, or both, and some
may already be in psychotherapy too. Get a signed HIPAA release from your client and have
a chat with their doc as soon as you can to get some information about their current status.
3. l Page 3
BPD is a high risk factor for suicidal threats, gestures, and attempts, so take any mention of
suicide seriously and call a MHP immediately.
These women really need an experienced litigation-savvy coach to get them through the
litigation process without sabotaging their own cases through impulsive behavior or
substance abuse, even if they have therapist. Most mental health professionals have
remarkable misconceptions about how the legal system works in family cases, and their
advice to their clients can be extremely naïve and unhelpful. For these BPD clients, the
nature of the litigation hits them at nearly all of their most vulnerable points, and they need
more emotional support and education to navigate the process successfully.
If you have client that fits this picture, call us for more information at the number above.
For more information, see Dr. Karlson’s book available on Amazon here:
Copy the link and paste in your browser:
https://www.amazon.com/When-ALL-Else-Fails-
Minimizing/dp/0615822037/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369744997&sr=8-
1&keywords=when+all+else+fails+Minimizing+the+damage+before+during+and+after+divorce
![Emotionally needy clients are the scourges of most family lawyers, and the extreme and most
troublesome of these clients are not just situationally stressed, rather they live a life
characterized by crisis, drama, anxiety, and depression. These extreme examples, who are
usually the central characters in most high conflict divorces and post-divorce child custody
dispute dramas, are usually women who could be (or have been) diagnosed as borderline
personality disorder (BPD).
To be diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder by a trained mental health professional
under the DSM-V, the client must show “a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal
relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning in early adulthood
and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following”; My
common sense explanations follow in [brackets]:
*Note: A surprising number of LPCs, Counselors, and Marriage and Family Therapists, and even some
psychologists still are NOT sufficiently trained to use the DSM nor recognize these BPD characteristics
and patterns! Be aware!
BPD Criteria (from DSM-V)
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment [They hate and fear being alone
will do anything to avoid being left alone; very clingy]
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating
between extremes of idealization and devaluation [You’re either amazingly wonderful or
completely worthless, depending on their mood; Black and white thinking is common]
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
[These women don’t know who they are; they are actresses playing the part of a normal
person, but can change parts in a second]
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., substance
abuse, binge eating, and reckless driving) [Prone to alcoholism, prescription drug abuse,
multiple plastic surgeries, yo-yo dieting, uncontrolled spending, impulsive affairs]
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior [Most have
a history of suicidal thinking or gestures or cutting dating back to adolescence]
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,
irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
[These marked and rapid mood changes lead many spouses to mistakenly call them
“bipolar”; they’re not but they are volatile and unpredictable]
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness [This drives these women to fill the empty space with
children, activity (excessive workouts), lots of superficial social relationships, buying stuff
to attain status or recognition, and impulsive sexual encounters]
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of
temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) [Very likely to be an initiator or active
participant in DV episodes, especially when drinking or misusing prescriptions; potential
episodic child abuse]
3150 Avenueof theStarsSuite1334 Frisco,TX75034 Phone: 972.839.2394 Email:Karlson.kevin@gmail.com
Advanced Practice Series for Lawyers: The Borderline Client by Kevin Karlson JDPhD](https://image.slidesharecdn.com/caf42fd7-d7ad-4b75-bc59-a68a411673bc-160829205645/85/advanced-practice-tools-for-lawyers-managing-borderline-pd-clients-1-320.jpg)
![9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms [When
stressed, these women can misread ambiguous social signals and become irrationally
fearful; also can have major memory lapses and deny actual events that they are
embarrassed about with convincing certainty]
(Adapted from DSM-V published by the American Psychiatric Association)
Managing BPD Clients in Family Law Litigation
Just to be clear, these women (the vast majority of BPDs are women) do not look or act
“crazy” when you first meet them; they are bright, sociable, creative, and frequently
successful in business or social organizations before the divorce. Once the stress of the
divorce exceeds their limited coping capacity however, the BPD characteristics will break
through in spades.
Since one third of all divorces are “high conflict”, and in my experience, nearly all of those
high conflict divorces are composed of couples with a narcissistic (NPD) husband and a
borderline (BPD) wife, when you find yourself representing the wife, what do you do?
Here are some concrete suggestions:
1. When your client’s initial story is filled with drama, drinking, fighting, multiple
separations and reunions, affairs, and shrinks, suspect BPD.
2. These clients need predictability and structure-explain what’s going to happen,
manage expectations, and give them deadlines for them to meet, but one at a
time.
3. Meet with the client for a short meeting once a week to provide a sense of
emotional predictability and build trust. Don’t wait till the day before the hearing
to prepare; the stress will lead to goofy behavior and poor performance if your
client has to testify.
4. These clients will suck your time and emotional resources down to 0; set limits
on unscheduled phone calls to 10 minutes or less. (They are calling to avoid
feeling abandoned, so the stories and drama will go on for a long time if you let
them.)
5. Take the time to get a detailed marital history early, and face to face (not on a
form) so you get a feel for the challenges of keeping them on track in court.
6. Take the time to rehearse direct and cross in preparation for hearings (and
depositions) and explain the relevant rules of evidence (hearsay, responsiveness
to questions especially) or your client is certain to perform badly under the stress
of being in court.
When BPDs are stressed, they become increasingly anxious, and sometimes depressed. (If
they fail to keep appointments or return discovery documents, assume that they are
depressed) Many are already on anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds, or both, and some
may already be in psychotherapy too. Get a signed HIPAA release from your client and have
a chat with their doc as soon as you can to get some information about their current status.](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7)