Marital Success Before Marriage

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RUNNING HEAD: MARITAL SUCCESS BEFORE THE MARRIAGE BEGINS
Marital Success Before the Marriage Begins:
The Importance of Pre-Marital Christian Counseling
Rhonda Vanoverstraeten
Liberty University

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Abstract
The divorce rate has escalated drastically in recent decades. In a complicated modernized
society, the social changes that are increasingly focusing on individualityand self-gain have all but
revolutionized the domestic life. A chain reaction has set in that could ultimately destroy the
nation. What are the factors predicting marital success or failure? Is there hope for the
marriages of tomorrow? How do you take two young individuals from different family of
origins and intertwine their beliefs ranging from money, sex, parenting philosophies and spiritual
beliefs among many others? This paper will address the world as we see it today regarding
marriage and divorce, as well as the importance of personal and spiritual growth prior to marriage
while working through premarital counseling with a pastor, professional, or lay person. The
research that has been proven by numerous groups, authors, and individuals who specialize in
marriage and family have great wisdom and insight giving hope for a successful marriage before it
begins.

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The divorce rate in America is more than 50% today and steadily rising, meaning one in
two couples will break up. The alarming evidence found in this research is that the percentage of
divorce is higher within the church than in the secular world. (Barna, 2008). Informal statistics
report that only around 4% of Christians pray with their spouse (Stoop, 2000). This report also
states that of the 4% who do pray together, only about 1% of these marriages end in divorce.
Many homes today are in trouble because God has been left out of the picture. Ephesians 4:18
states, “Theyare darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the
ignorance that is in them due the hardness of their hearts.” (NKJV) This is the root problem in
every divorce that has taken place and will continue until couples are committed to God and His
word regarding marriage. For couples who are in the planning stages of beginning a new life
together, the utilization of premarital Christian counseling is the first step towards a successful
marriage. Not only will this benefit the couple, they will be instrumental in reframing the marital
story as it is seen today.
Premarital counseling is an opportunity for each individual to receive an objective
assessment of problems and issues that could arise before as well as after the marriage. Couples
are guided through a process of how to deal with differences in family of origin conflict,
expectations from one another, personality traits, financial issues, sexual intimacy, as well as
learning communication skills that are necessary to have marital success rather than marital
failure. It is better to recognize future stressors that are inevitable in a marriage, rather than
waiting till the last minute and simply reacting. The skills that are gained through counseling will
teach the couple to build strength in areas preparing for the future as well as being free from past
hurts that will be carried into the marriage if these issues are not addressed. While marriage can
be challenging at times, it is meant to be rewarding fulfilling. A gift from the very hands of

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God. While working with the counselor, there will be emphasis placed on each partner having a
relationship with Christ, as well as a better understanding on the institution of marriage that God
created. According to Gibbs (2009), “I have observed over the years that most couples who are
in a marital crisis are also in some degree of spiritual crisis. They may have never had a
relationship with God, or they simply find themselves further away from God than in the
past“(p.4). Humans are fallen beings and can only be changed and transformed through the help
of Jesus Christ. The covenant relationship between husband and wife must be a triune relationship
and can be better understood in the shape of a triangle. Marriage is like a triangle with husband
and wife at the bottom points of the triangle and God at the top point. As both move up the
triangle towards God, they will become closer to one another. The practice of praying alone as
well as a couple is a spiritual discipline that will not go unrewarded. In Matthew chapter
eighteen, Jesus states; “Again I say to you that if the two of you agree on earthconcerninganything
that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are
gathered in My name, I am there in the midst of them.” (vs.19&20).
Pre-marital counseling will place great emphasis on the area of communicating. It is
near impossible to have a successful marriage without examining the communication patterns
between couples. Each individual brings two different forms of communication skills from their
past relationships that can be a detriment to the mental and emotional well-being of the individual
as well as their spouse. There are many scripts that have been written and played out since
childhood that come from various sources along the way. Sexual, mental, and emotional abuse
are only a few of the causes that can leave someone feeling broken. Current US estimates reportt
20% to 40% of females and 5% to 16% of males are sexually abused before the age of 18.
Trust issues and avoidance of sexual intercourse are often two of the issues seen as a result of

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sexual abuse victims. The counselor will help the victim go through a process of healing that
will bring restoration and freedom through Christ. Jesus spoke the following words in Matthew
11:28; “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
(NLT) Communicationconsists of talking as well as having the ability to listen. Often times it is
seen in a marriage that one person does all the talking and the other does the listening.
According to Wright, “Listening means that when another person is speaking, youare not thinking
about what you are going to say when the other person is finished. Listening is complete
acceptance without judgment of what is said and how it is stated.” (Wright, 2011). Communication
can be difficult betweena couple simply because men and womenare created differently and do
not know how to speak the other ones language. The differences between the sexes are not
without purpose. God designed each individual accordingly, giving them what was needed to
carry out their callings and purpose in life. There has been a misconception for many years about
what men and women need for a happy marriage and most would find it unlikely that it would be
anything other than showing one another love. Dr. John Gottman, a professor in the Department
of Psychology at the University of Washington, led a research team that spent twenty years
studying two thousand couples who had been married twenty to forty years to the same partner.
As these couples talked together, almost always there was what Gottman calls “a strong
undercurrent of two basic ingredients, Love and Respect.. These are the opposite of-and antidote
for-contempt, perhaps the most corrosive force in marriage.” (Gottman, J., 1994, pg.61) Dr.
Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect, was a pastor who had counseled many couples and could
not solve their problems. Eggerichs stated, “I struggled trying to find a solution to help these
couples in conflict, and I finally saw a connection: without love from him, she reacts without
respect; without respect from her, he reacts without love. Thus, the “Crazy Cycle” was identified

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and defined” (2004, introduction to p.1) Husbands and wives must learn to decipher each
other’s code and come to an understanding that wives need to feel love more than anything, and
men need to feel respected. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, stresses that every
individual has a love language that fills their loved tank and makes them feel loved. The five
languages consist of quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, receiving of gifts and acts
of service. Understanding this concept of communication during pre-marital counseling will
greatly reduce anyconflict that was a result of miscommunication. While knowing there will never
be a marriage free from arguments, disagreements and at times offensive words, the
spirit of forgives is necessary while working through these areas of conflict. Couples may often
find it difficult to forgive when someone feels they have been wronged and that forgiveness will
condone the behavior of the offense that has taken place. Forgiveness is not an option, it is a
requirement from God found in Matthew 6:14; “For if you forgive men their trespasses‘, your
heavenly Father will forgive you”(NKJV).
Money is the number one conflict in young couples today. Financial planning and money
management will be addressed so the possibility of conflict to occur after the marriage will be
minimized. For many newlyweds, debt canbecome a problem within the first year of marriage. It
is easy for couples to overspend while setting up their new home often with many things they have
always wanted, yet not necessarily a need. There is also the temptation to succumb to the many
new credit card opportunities that tend to overflow a newly married couples mailbox. The
Counselor can help by suggesting different approaches to budgeting as well as working with the
couple to come to an agreement on whether to continue the arrangement of separate bank accounts
or to consolidate them into one. There are manybooks available to help couples work through the
financial issues, one being “The Complete Financial Guide for YoungCouples”by Larry Burkette.

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It is always wise to have at least three to six months of living expenses in savings in case an
emergency may arise. A successful marriage is not controlled by money, a successful marriage is
one that controls its money well.
Sex within the marriage and sexual intimacy is often a topic that most couples are
uncomfortable with. Through the work of the counselor, a better understanding of what Gods
purpose was when creating man and woman and also the importance of the communication skills
that will help each spouse feel that their needs are being met. Genesis 2:24 states; “Therefore a
man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
“One flesh” speaks of a complete unity of parts, making a whole. Sex is one of God’s creations
Intended for procreation as well as for pleasure between a husband and wife. Sex is the most
intimate aspect of the marriage union, but it results from a spiritual and emotional connection, as
well as trust and security in a healthy and satisfying relationship. God’s plan is for there to be
intimacy during sexual intercourse, and approaching it with an attitude of “I give you all of me”.
Spiritual intimacy allows one to learn how to surrender one’s life to and for the other, creating a
depth of giving and receiving with gratitude that is the embodiment of love. (Allender, 2011).
Sex can often become less important and overlooked as couples take on the role of parents, job
stressors, as well as conflict that has occurred between the husband and wife. Although children
and jobs can affect the sexual activity and intimacy, conflict that has caused the decline can often
be the most damaging. The lack ofcommunicating to resolve the conflict can lead to withholding
affection from a spouse. This can then turn to total avoidance of one another and result in the
couple not speaking. As this breeds disrespect and distance, the desire for sex diminishes, then
giving Satan an opportunity to steal, kill and destroy the relationship. When the relationship has
deteriorated to this point, the risk for adultery is much higher.

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Most couples marry with the idea of wanting to start a family at some point.
Understanding each other’s perspective concerning children needs to be addressed to ensure there
are no conflict of interest that could arise after marriage. Marriage can become a challenge and
difficult while transitioning to parenthood. Research shows that 40-70 % of all marriages show a
decline in marital satisfaction when becoming parents and that roughly 12.5% will divorce before
the first child is 1 ½. (Crawford, 2011). Parenthood has many contributing factors for conflict;
less time for intimacy, sleep deprivation, less leisure time, increased financial demands and
feelings of being replaced in the life of your spouse by the new child. The majority of women
today work outside of the home which can increase the levels of responsibility from both spouses.
Postpartum depression affects around 12% to 15% of women, with rapidly changing hormones
being a factor involved (UOMD, 2011). There are many changes that have the potential to harm
the relationship although having prior insight throughthe help of the counselor can help to identify
these stressors as they occur. Due to different family of origins that the couple comes from, it is
important to decide on the different parenting philosophies such as rules, expectations and the
proper way to discipline during the counseling sessions. The future parents need to be educated
in the influence they have in their child’s life, as well as learning new communication skills that
are needed for healthy, mentally sound children. Proverbs 127:3 states “children are a heritage
from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward”. One of the most important things a couples can
do during the transitioning to parenthood is set aside time for each other. Brief ten minute talks
alone, date nights, even walking to the mailbox together while talking can help maintain
communication between the new parents.
Many studies have been done to gather information as to whether premarital education had
any effect in those who had utilized this. One particular group sampled couples as a part of the

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Oklahoma Marriage Initiative Statewide Baseline Survey. After surveying this sample, they
found premarital education was associated with a decline of 0ver 30% in the annual odds of
divorce (Stanley, Amato, Johnson, Markman). A quote taken from the book, Intimacy,
Diversity and Strengths, whose focus is on marriage and family says this; “Failing to prepare, is
like preparing to fail” (Olson & Defrain, 2005, p.477). Premarital Christian counseling is more
beneficial than any other aspect when preparing to marry. Many couples do not see the
importance of Gods call to not be unequally yoked or to not partake of the forbidden fruit that we
so often desire. Situations suchas these needs to be addressed before the wedding plans proceed.
While the issues are being worked through with the counselor, the couple will be learning conflict
management skills, yet some maysee the problems cannot be worked out and agree the marriage is
not right for them. Gaining insight and replacing the guesswork can give the couple an
opportunity to begin their new life together with confidence and understanding. Premarital
counseling should always be administered from a biblical perspective, being that God was and is
the Author of marriage between one manand one woman. The in-depth study of what it means to
be a Godly husband and wife will be foundational in the success of a marriage. Ephesians
4:14-16 states; “That we are no longer to be children tossed to and fro and carried about with every
wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but,
speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head-Christ-from whom
the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective
working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in
love”. These verses precede Ephesians 5 which talks among other things, the relationship
between husbands and wives. An interesting sequence of events take place in this area of
Ephesians showing God is a God of order.

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They are:
Chapter 5 closes with the relationship between husband and wife.
Chapter 6 begins with instruction to the parents and children relationship
After marriage and family issues are addressed, instruction is given in the remainder of chapter 6
on spiritual warfare. What God creates for good, the adversary will always try to make it bad.
After learning the statistics and reports of this caliber seen in the paper, premarital
counseling should not be something that is optional in the United States. The only requirement
for a marriage license is to pay a fee to the county where the marriage will take place. The
devastation and disruptive effects of divorce should have every state taking measures to reduce its
occurrence. The leaders in the state, counties and churches need to become more accountable for
the innocent lives that are being destroyed by not implementing proper training and instruction that
is seen inpremaritalChristiancounseling. To answer the questions introduced at the beginning of
the paper, Are there factors predicting marital success or failure, and if so what are they?
Through the work of pre-marital counseling it can be found in the triangle; One God, one man, and
one woman.

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References
Allender, D. (2011). Spiritual Intimacy: Becoming soul mates. Marriage and Family
Counseling podcast. Podcast retrieved from http:bb7.liberty.edu.
Barna Group. (2008). New marriage and divorce statistics released. Retrieved from
http://www.barna.org/barna-update/article/15-familykids/42-new-marriage-and-divorce-
statistics-released=divorce.
Crawford, M. (2011). Embracing Kids: Love Through the Parenting Years. Marriage and
Family Counseling podcast. Podcast retrieved from http:bb7.liberty.edu
Eggerichs, E. (2004). Love & Respect. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson
Gibbs, D. (2009). Kiss & Tell: Truths That Will Transform Your Marriage. Bloomington, IN:
Crossbooks.
Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Olsen, D., DeFrain, J. (2005). Marriages and Families: Intimacy, Diversity and Strengths.
New York: The McGraw-Hill Companies
Stanley, S., Amato, P., Johnson C., Markman, H. (2006). Premarital Education, Marital Quality
and Marital Stability: Findings From A Large, Random Household Survey. Journal of
Family.
Stoop, J., & Stoop, D. (2000). When Couples Pray Together: Creating Intimacy and Spiritual
Wholeness. Ann Arbour, MI: Vine Books.
University of Michigan Depression Center, (UOMD) (2011). Article on website, women and
depression; postpartum depression. www.depressioncenter.org/women/postpartum.asp

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References
Wright, N. (speaker). (2011, February). Talking Sense: Good Communication In Marriage.

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