6. A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT MARRIAGE
a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and
two slaves, making in all, two;
'We stay together, but we distrust one another.'
'Ah, yes...but isn't that a definition of marriage?'
Malcolm Bradbury (1932 - 2000)
A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from
admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.
Jane Austen (1775 - 1817)
A loving wife will do anything for her husband except
stop criticising and trying to improve him.
J. B. Priestley (1894 - 1984)
It is a very good way to promote civilization - if you get
a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you
will become a philosopher
Socrates
7. AND A FEW FIGHTS
I was chopping tomatoes for dinner and my
husband thought I was doing it wrong. I
finished cooking dinner and he refused to eat it.
Instead, he ordered pizza with every single
topping I don't like. — court&john
We had a standoff for almost a week to see
who would give in first and finally buy toilet
paper. For the record, I won. — steve+mel
How to pronounce Cameron Diaz's name. I
said "dee-oz" and he insisted it was "dee-as."
Who cares? I didn't speak to him for the rest of
the night. — mcnam002
We got into a fight while assembling the
furniture in our new house. If we made it
through that, we'll make it through anything! —
AubreyDub
Whether or not to tuck in the sheets at the end
of the bed — every time I make the bed, I tuck
them in, and every night, he untucks them. —
KDTully
8. FIRST THINGS FIRST
Partner – An associate in an activity or
endeavour or sphere of common interest
Life – The course of existence of an individual;
the actions and events that occur in living
A life partner can be understood to be one who
goes through the course of our existence with
another because of a shared interest or common
interest in the endeavour of life
9. 6/20/2013 7:52 AM
FAMILIES AND THEIR ROLES
INSTRUMENTAL ROLE Traditional views
emphasized the role of he family as an
institution whose function was to meet the
needs of society
EXPRESSIVE ROLE – Modern views of
the family tend to emphasize its role in
fulfilling personal needs for emotional
security and companionship
10. 6/20/2013 7:52 AM
DIVINELY INSTITUTED
Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto
his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
King James Version (Red Letter)
13. MARRIAGE ORDAINED BY GOD
According to Scripture marriage is ordained by
God as an intimate and permanent partnership
between a man and a woman in which the two
become one in the whole of life. The ideal is an
active lifelong monogamous heterosexual
relationship.
Sexual, emotional, physical and spiritual
fulfillment are important goals of a marriage
relationship that places God at its centre.
Christian marriage is the ideal foundation for the
birth and raising of children.
Some key biblical passages on marriage
principles: Gen 1:26-28; 2:21-24; Mt 19:6; 1 Cor
7:1-40; 13:1-13; 2 Cor 6:14; Eph 5:21-33; 1 Th
14. WHAT IS MARRIAGE?
a. Ordained by God
b. Must unconditionally be given time for enjoyment and
nurture
c. True marriage attracts God’s favour
d. Indispensable for preservation of the human race
e. Jesus sees breaking marriage as a criminal act
f. Marriage is an antidote for sexual temptation
g. Marriage is not a sin. Marriage is the only thing that
express complete oneness
i. Forbidding marriage is an act of the devil
j. No one should remain unmarried without a biblically
acceptable reason
k. Desecrating marriage is tantamount to God’s
judgment.
15. A BIBLICAL PERSPECTIVE OF MARRIAGE
Biblical Framework for a God-pleasing marriage relationship
When these principles are chosen by a husband
and wife in harmony with their relationship as born
again believers, this brings about a Biblical
marriage. This is not a lopsided relationship (a
relationship where one is more important than the
other), but one that is in balance with the concept
of Christ as the head of the man and the wife
together. Therefore, the Biblical concept of
marriage is a oneness between two individuals
that is a picture of the oneness relationship of
Christ with His church.
16. God has placed men in the world, and it is their
privilege to eat, to drink, to trade, to marry, and
to be given in marriage; but it is safe to do
these things only in the fear of God. We should
live in this world with reference to the eternal
world. Many take upon themselves the sacred
vows as thoughtlessly as they would enter into
a business transaction; true love is not the
motive for the alliance.
Messages to Young People, p. 456. Ellen G White 1930
17. IS A HAPPY MARRIAGE POSSIBLE?
Sadly, so many enter marriage with no
understanding, no preparation, no training and no
idea of how to achieve a lifetime of happiness with
their chosen partner. Many couples spend far
more time planning for a one-day wedding than
for the lifelong marriage that should follow it.
As a result, over half of all marriages fail, ending
in divorce, often with former partners becoming
mortal enemies! Other couples are just as
unhappy, but perhaps cannot afford a divorce, or
stay together only because of the children or other
social or business reasons.
19. MYTH 1: WE EXPECT THE SAME THINGS
FROM MARRIAGE
Unspoken Rules
Everyone lives by a set of rules that are rarely
spoken but always known
Needless to say, unspoken rules become more
vocal when our spouse ―breaks‖ them
Unconscious Roles
Just as actors in a dramatic performance follows a
script, so do married couples
These are from a blend of personal dispositions,
family backgrounds and marital expectations
20. MYTH 2: EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT OUR
RELATIONSHIP WILL GET BETTER
Each of us constructs an idealized image of
the person we marry. It is planted by our
partner‘s eager efforts to put his best foot
forward but it takes root in the rich soil of our
romantic fantasies.
We need to realize that our marriage is not a
source of constant roomance so that we can
enjoy those moments of romance that come to
us from time to time
21. MYTH 3: EVERYTHING BAD IN MY LIFE WILL
DISAPPEAR
Many people marry to escape from an
unpleasant situation
Marriage usually does not heal the soul or
massage the spirit
It does not erase the way we felt – lonely, fear,
personal pain
Marriage however, can become a powerful
healing agent or environment for
Uncovering and
Resolving issues
22. MYTH 4: MY SPOUSE WILL MAKE ME WHOLE
Enmeshed Relationships (A Frame)
Characterized by a general reliance on the spouse
for continual support, assurance and wholeness
Disengaged Relationships (H Frame)
Where partners attempt to earn sense of
wholeness by relying on no one, not even their
spouses
Interdependent Relationships (M Frame)
Where 2 people with self-respect and dignity
commit themselves to nurture their own spiritual
growth as well as their spouse‘s
25. WHAT IS LOVE?
A strong positive emotion of regard and
affection
A deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction
"their love left them indifferent to their
surroundings"
Any object of warm affection or devotion
26. WHAT IS LOVE?
The very basic difference in real love and what is
passed for love in our society is the truth that love is not
a feeling, love is a decision, a commitment to a person.
The idea that love is an emotion misleads many young
people (and adults too, for that matter).
There is a feeling associated with this commitment to
another person. That feeling is often called love.
However, love is the commitment and remains
established through whatever life throws at it. The
emotion, on the other hand, may come and go
depending upon the immediate circumstances.
That is why some people fall into and out of love as
often as others of us change shirts. Hopefully, this will
become more clear as you read and understand what
the Bible calls love.
27. What is the difference?
LOVE VERSUS INFATUATION
28. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE
AND INFATUATION
. Consider these contrasts between the two and determine if
the feeling you have is love or infatuation. Remember to
keep the focus of your heart on the Lord Jesus and check
often to see that the focus has not shifted or become
blurred.
Infatuation Leaps Into Bloom. Love usually takes root
slowly and grows with time. Two people do not fall into love,
they grow into love. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision.
Infatuation may be a sudden feeling.
Infatuation Is Accompanied By A Sense Of Uncertainty.
You are thrilled and stimulated, but not really happy. You are
miserable when he is absent, you can't wait to see him
again. Love begins with a feeling of security, you are warm
with a sense of his nearness, even when he is away. You
want him near, but near or far, you know he's yours and you
can wait.
29. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE
AND INFATUATION
Infatuation Says, "We Must Get Married Right
Away. I can't risk losing him," or "I must go steady
with him or some one else may take him away
from me." Love says, "Don't rush into anything."
You are sure of one another and you can plan
your future with confidence.
Infatuation Has An Element Of Sexual
Excitement. If you are honest, you will discover
that it is difficult to enjoy one another unless you
end in intimacy (anything from heavy petting on).
Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be
friends before you can be lovers.
30. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE
AND INFATUATION
Infatuation Lacks Confidence. When he's
away you wonder if he's with another girl,
sometimes you even check up on him to make
sure. Love means trust. You may fall into
infatuation, but you never fall into love.
Infatuation may lead you in to doing things for
which you might be sorry, but love never will.
Love Leads You Up. It makes you look up,
think up. It makes you a better person than you
were before. Be sure to learn the difference
between love and infatuation.
31. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE
AND INFATUATION
These thoughts on love are quite different from
what the world says love is. Many times in
Scripture, what God says is quite the opposite of
what the world says. God has never yet been
proven wrong or inaccurate (nor will He ever be),
so it seems a better risk to believe God than to
believe THE LIE of the world.
Where is the focus of your heart? Is it on the Lord
Jesus or is it on popularity? Is it on acceptance by
the crowd or the "well done" of the Lord Jesus?
Examine your own heart carefully and in light of
scripture. Where is the Focus of your Heart?
33. KNOW YOURSELF
Your Background
Physical Attributes, Career, Health, Finance, Family, Religion,
Background
Your Personal Character And Values
Honesty
Faithfulness
Hardwork
Wealth
Your Dislikes
About Yourself
How You Feel About
Children
Touching
Godly Living
Talking
34. THIS DETERMINES WHAT YOU EXPECT
What Do You Expect
Him To Be
Christian
Tall,
Athletically Built,
Sensitive,
Affectionate,
Stockbroker,
Nurse,
Wont be angry forever
What Do Expect Her To
Be
Christian
Figure-eight,
Gentle,
Artist,
Empathetic,
Hardworking
Homemaker
Considerate
35. YOUR PAST
Any past relationships?
What lesson?
What made you appreciate them?
Any role models of the opposite sex?
What do you admire about them
What have you learned from them
What about people you dislike?
38. THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GOOD FRIEND
1. A GOOD FRIEND IS FAITHFUL. Fair weather friends are numerous, and
Proverbs mentions these (cf. 14:20; 19:4,6,7). But a true friend is a person
who is still there even when the going gets tough.
A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity
(17:17)(18:24)(27:10).
2. A GOOD FRIEND REBUKES US WHEN NECESSARY. There are things
which may need to be said to a friend that are not easy to say. IA true friend
is the one who is honest enough to tell us what we need to hear, rather
than to flatter us.(29:5).
Better is open rebuke Than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a
friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy (27:5-6).
Why is it, then, that we seem to think that a wife should never criticize her
husband? Is it not better to be corrected by our closest friend than by an
enemy? Sometimes the kindest thing a wife can do for her husband is to tell
him that his idea is absolutely ridiculous--in a gracious way, of course.
3. A GOOD FRIEND IS THOUGHTFUL AND TACTFUL. A good friend is
sensitive to our needs and speaks in such a way that we are encouraged
and enriched. His sensitivity is demonstrated in his understanding that
gaiety and goodwill is not always appropriate nor appreciated. ―It matters
not only ‗what‘ we say, but ‗how,‘ ‗when‘ and ‗why‘ we say it.‖34 (25:20)
(27:14).
39. THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GOOD FRIEND
4. A GOOD FRIEND SHARPENS US. Not only do we need
to be criticized when necessary, but sometimes we need to
be probed or stretched in our thinking. A good friend does
not allow us to become intellectually stagnant, but prods us
on to higher and greater thoughts.
Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another (27:17) (20:5).
Isn‘t this true to life? Don‘t you seek to develop friendships with
those who will challenge your thinking and present you with new
avenues of thought? Why should one of these friends not be
your mate?
5. A GOOD FRIEND OFFERS US WISE COUNSEL. Those
whom we choose as friends should be marked by wisdom
and thus have godly counsel to offer.
Oil and perfume make the heart glad, So a man‘s counsel is
sweet to his friend (27:9).
David, Nabal, and Abigail in 1 Samuel 25.
40. THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GOOD FRIEND
We should shun the following
1. WE OUGHT NOT ASSOCIATE WITH A FOOL.
He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of
fools will suffer harm (13:20).
Leave the presence of a fool, Or you will not discern words of
knowledge (14:7).
2. WE OUGHT NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE WHO
HAVE AN UNCONTROLLABLE TEMPER.
Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-
tempered man, Lest you learn his ways, And find a snare for
yourself (22:24-25).
3. WE SHOULD NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE WHO
ARE EVIL:
Do not be envious of evil men, Nor desire to be with them; For
their minds devise violence, And their lips talk of trouble (24:1-2).
He who is a partner with a thief hates his own life; He hears the
oath but tells nothing (29:24).
41. THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GOOD FRIEND
4. WE SHOULD NOT ASSOCIATE WITH ONE WHO IS A
REVOLUTIONARY.
My son, fear the Lord and the king; Do not associate with those
who are given to change; For their calamity will rise suddenly,
And who knows the ruin that comes from both of them? (24:21-
22)
There are some who are always out to change things--society,
government, other people. It is not wrong to try to improve
things, but the revolutionary is more bent on removing than
improving. The revolutionary wants change for the sake of
change, not change for the sake of improvement. Incidentally,
some seem bent on finding a mate who needs improving--a sort
of life-long project. Proverbs does not recommend it.
5. WE SHOULD NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE WHO
HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THEIR APPETITES.
He who keeps the law is a discerning son, But he who is a
companion of gluttons humiliates his father (28:7).
43. THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GODLY WIFE
1. A GODLY WIFE IS GODLY. Godliness begins with a proper relationship
to God. A godly wife is, first and foremost, a woman who fears God.
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she
shall be praised (31:30).
In contrast, the woman to avoid is the one who does not know or fear God. She
is sometimes referred to as a ―strange woman,‖ that is a foreigner, one who has
no knowledge of the God of Israel (cf. 2:25; 5:3,20; 7:5) 5:6).
To keep you from the evil woman, From the smooth tongue of the adulteress
(6:24).(12:4; 31:10).
2. A GODLY WIFE IS WISE. You will recall that wisdom is personified as a
woman in the Book of Proverbs (cf. 1:20-33; 8:1-36; 9:1-6). So also the
ideal wife is characterized as a woman of wisdom.
The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own
hands (14:1).
She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue
(31:26).
The opposite of the godly woman is the woman of folly.
The woman of folly is boisterous, She is naive, and knows nothing (9:13).
As a ring of gold in a swine‘s snout, So is a beautiful woman who lacks
discretion (11:22).
44. THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GODLY WIFE
3. A GODLY WIFE HONORS HER HUSBAND. A man who has
married a godly wife has a wife who will bring honor to him. She is
truly a helper to her husband.
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames
him is as rottenness in his bones (12:4).
The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack, of gain.
She does him good and not evil All the days of her life (31:11-12).
An ungodly wife humiliates and harasses her husband. She is not a
helper but a hindrance to her mate. She is ―as rottenness in his bones‖
(12:4). By her haranguing, she makes him miserable: (19:13).
4. A GODLY WIFE IS GRACIOUS. One reason honor is given the
godly woman is that she is known for her graciousness.
A gracious woman attains honor, And violent men attain riches (11:16).
The ungodly woman is spoken of in very unbecoming terms. She is
vexing, due to her contentious nature:
It is better to live in a corner of a roof, Than in a house shared with a
contentious woman (21:9; cf. 25:24)(21:19).
45. THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GODLY WIFE
5. A GODLY WIFE IS FAITHFUL TO HER HUSBAND. This
is most clearly shown by contrast with the woman of folly
who is an adulteress.
To deliver you from the strange woman, From the adulteress who
flatters with her words; That leaves the companion of her youth,
And forgets the covenant of her God (2:16-17).
To keep you from the evil woman, From the smooth tongue of
the adulteress (6:24).
―Come, let us drink our fill of love until morning; Let us delight
ourselves with caresses For the man is not at home. . . ‖ (7:18-
19).
While it is not stated explicitly, it is implied and assumed that a
godly wife is one who maintains sexual purity. She is a woman
who is virtuous or excellent (31:10), in whom her husband has
complete trust (31:11). She does her husband only good and not
evil (31:12).She teaches her son the virtues of sexual purity
(31:3). Certainly she is a woman of sexual purity.
47. THE QUALITIES OF A GODLY HUSBAND
1. A wise husband is kind and compassionate
(12:10).
2. A wise husband is honest (29:24).
3. A wise husband is hard-working (12:11; 27:23-
27).
4. A wise husband is truthful (12:17,19).
5. A wise husband exercises self-control (12:15;
16:32).
6. A wise husband has a gentle tongue (12:18;
15:1-2,4).
7. A wise husband is generous (14:21; 28:27).
48. THE QUALITIES OF A GODLY HUSBAND
8. A wise husband is willing to be corrected (even by his wife)
and listens to counsel (12:15; 15:12,31-32; 28:13; 29:1).
9. A wise husband is a man of integrity (19:1; 20:7).
10. A wise husband is faithful and reliable (17:17; 29:3;
contrast 25:19; 31:3).
11. A wise husband is forgiving (19:11).
12. A wise husband is willing to admit he is wrong (28:13).
13. A wise husband is humble (15:25,33; 16:18-19; 18:12;
29:23).
14. A wise husband is not contentious, but a peacemaker
(17:1; 18:1,19).
49. THE QUALITIES OF A GODLY HUSBAND
15. A wise husband has control of his temper (14:29;
16:32; 17:27; 29:11).
16. A wise husband is a man who avoids excesses
(20:1; 23:20-21, 29-35; 31:3-9).
17. A wise husband has a concern for others, especially
the poor and the oppressed (29:7).
18. A wise husband can keep a confidence (17:9;
26:20).
19. A wise husband fears God and is obedient to His
Word (13:13; 14:26; 16:20; 28:25; 31:30).
20. A wise husband is not a jealous man (27:4).
21. A The wise husband has a positive outlook on life
(15:15; 17:22; 18:14).
50. A FEW OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS
A person who is hard working and persistent is
likely to be financially well off or well on their
way to it.
A person who has strong moral values is likely
to be spiritual.
A person who is dogmatic and traditional may
be religious.
51. A FEW OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS – WHAT
QUALITIES SHOULD YOUR PARTNER HAVE?
Persistence?
Industriousness?
Compassion?
Affection?
Determination?
Honesty?
High Integrity?
Sensuality?
Sexuality?
Self-discipline?
Which of these is most
important?
Vivaciousness?
Out-going?
Intelligence?
Wit?
Worldliness?
Knowledge?
Conversant?
Sociable?
Entertaining?
Loyal
Which of these is most
important?
In what order of importance?
52. CONSIDER WHAT HE/SHE MUST NOT HAVE
Dishonesty?
Lack of integrity?
Laziness?
Social ineptitude?
Disorderliness?
Indiscipline?
55. IN EACH CASE IT SEEMS MORE
ADVANTAGEOUS TO MARRY AN OLD
FRIEND WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO SPEND
THE REST OF THEIR LIVES WITH YOU
56. ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORKS
Face Book
Yahoo Mail And Chat Rooms
Online Groups
These also abound with scammers and 419ers. So
seeing is believing
57. CAN YOU TRUST YOUR JUDGEMENT?
God
Yourself
Your loving concerned parents
An wise adult you have learned to trust over
the years
An age mate who worships with you and who
can be trusted
58. All in all the buck finally stops with you but you
must be considerate when making your final
decision.
Consider your family
Consider your fiancé(e)‘s family
Statements made by well meaning individuals
including your parents.
In Africa, we don‘t marry individuals – we
marry whole families and communities.
59. WHICH OF THESE COUPLES ARE MATCHED AND WHICH ARE MATED?
Finally there
must be An
Urge on the
Verge of a
Merge. At the
end of the day
the two of you
must be
MATCHED
and not
MATED.
