A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT MARRIAGE a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, andtwo slaves, making in all, two; We stay together, but we distrust one another.Ah, yes...but isnt that a definition of marriage? Malcolm Bradbury (1932 - 2000) A ladys imagination is very rapid; it jumps fromadmiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment. Jane Austen (1775 - 1817) A loving wife will do anything for her husband exceptstop criticising and trying to improve him. J. B. Priestley (1894 - 1984) It is a very good way to promote civilization - if you geta good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one youwill become a philosopher Socrates
AND A FEW FIGHTS I was chopping tomatoes for dinner and myhusband thought I was doing it wrong. Ifinished cooking dinner and he refused to eat it.Instead, he ordered pizza with every singletopping I dont like. — court&john We had a standoff for almost a week to seewho would give in first and finally buy toiletpaper. For the record, I won. — steve+mel How to pronounce Cameron Diazs name. Isaid "dee-oz" and he insisted it was "dee-as."Who cares? I didnt speak to him for the rest ofthe night. — mcnam002 We got into a fight while assembling thefurniture in our new house. If we made itthrough that, well make it through anything! —AubreyDub Whether or not to tuck in the sheets at the endof the bed — every time I make the bed, I tuckthem in, and every night, he untucks them. —KDTully
FIRST THINGS FIRST Partner – An associate in an activity orendeavour or sphere of common interest Life – The course of existence of an individual;the actions and events that occur in living A life partner can be understood to be one whogoes through the course of our existence withanother because of a shared interest or commoninterest in the endeavour of life
6/20/2013 7:52 AMFAMILIES AND THEIR ROLES INSTRUMENTAL ROLE Traditional viewsemphasized the role of he family as aninstitution whose function was to meet theneeds of society EXPRESSIVE ROLE – Modern views ofthe family tend to emphasize its role infulfilling personal needs for emotionalsecurity and companionship
6/20/2013 7:52 AMDIVINELY INSTITUTED Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave hisfather and his mother, and shall cleave untohis wife: and they shall be one flesh. King James Version (Red Letter)
UNDERSTAND WHAT CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE ISAND WHAT ITS NOT
MARRIAGE ORDAINED BY GOD According to Scripture marriage is ordained byGod as an intimate and permanent partnershipbetween a man and a woman in which the twobecome one in the whole of life. The ideal is anactive lifelong monogamous heterosexualrelationship. Sexual, emotional, physical and spiritualfulfillment are important goals of a marriagerelationship that places God at its centre.Christian marriage is the ideal foundation for thebirth and raising of children. Some key biblical passages on marriageprinciples: Gen 1:26-28; 2:21-24; Mt 19:6; 1 Cor7:1-40; 13:1-13; 2 Cor 6:14; Eph 5:21-33; 1 Th
WHAT IS MARRIAGE? a. Ordained by God b. Must unconditionally be given time for enjoyment andnurture c. True marriage attracts God’s favour d. Indispensable for preservation of the human race e. Jesus sees breaking marriage as a criminal act f. Marriage is an antidote for sexual temptation g. Marriage is not a sin. Marriage is the only thing thatexpress complete oneness i. Forbidding marriage is an act of the devil j. No one should remain unmarried without a biblicallyacceptable reason k. Desecrating marriage is tantamount to God’sjudgment.
A BIBLICAL PERSPECTIVE OF MARRIAGEBiblical Framework for a God-pleasing marriage relationshipWhen these principles are chosen by a husbandand wife in harmony with their relationship as bornagain believers, this brings about a Biblicalmarriage. This is not a lopsided relationship (arelationship where one is more important than theother), but one that is in balance with the conceptof Christ as the head of the man and the wifetogether. Therefore, the Biblical concept ofmarriage is a oneness between two individualsthat is a picture of the oneness relationship ofChrist with His church.
God has placed men in the world, and it is theirprivilege to eat, to drink, to trade, to marry, andto be given in marriage; but it is safe to dothese things only in the fear of God. We shouldlive in this world with reference to the eternalworld. Many take upon themselves the sacredvows as thoughtlessly as they would enter intoa business transaction; true love is not themotive for the alliance. Messages to Young People, p. 456. Ellen G White 1930
IS A HAPPY MARRIAGE POSSIBLE? Sadly, so many enter marriage with nounderstanding, no preparation, no training and noidea of how to achieve a lifetime of happiness withtheir chosen partner. Many couples spend farmore time planning for a one-day wedding thanfor the lifelong marriage that should follow it. As a result, over half of all marriages fail, endingin divorce, often with former partners becomingmortal enemies! Other couples are just asunhappy, but perhaps cannot afford a divorce, orstay together only because of the children or othersocial or business reasons.
Question 1HAVE YOU FACED THE MYTHS OF MARRIAGEHONESTLY?
MYTH 1: WE EXPECT THE SAME THINGSFROM MARRIAGE Unspoken Rules Everyone lives by a set of rules that are rarelyspoken but always known Needless to say, unspoken rules become morevocal when our spouse ―breaks‖ them Unconscious Roles Just as actors in a dramatic performance follows ascript, so do married couples These are from a blend of personal dispositions,family backgrounds and marital expectations
MYTH 2: EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT OURRELATIONSHIP WILL GET BETTER Each of us constructs an idealized image ofthe person we marry. It is planted by ourpartner‘s eager efforts to put his best footforward but it takes root in the rich soil of ourromantic fantasies. We need to realize that our marriage is not asource of constant roomance so that we canenjoy those moments of romance that come tous from time to time
MYTH 3: EVERYTHING BAD IN MY LIFE WILLDISAPPEAR Many people marry to escape from anunpleasant situation Marriage usually does not heal the soul ormassage the spirit It does not erase the way we felt – lonely, fear,personal pain Marriage however, can become a powerfulhealing agent or environment for Uncovering and Resolving issues
MYTH 4: MY SPOUSE WILL MAKE ME WHOLE Enmeshed Relationships (A Frame) Characterized by a general reliance on the spousefor continual support, assurance and wholeness Disengaged Relationships (H Frame) Where partners attempt to earn sense ofwholeness by relying on no one, not even theirspouses Interdependent Relationships (M Frame) Where 2 people with self-respect and dignitycommit themselves to nurture their own spiritualgrowth as well as their spouse‘s
WHAT IS LOVE? A strong positive emotion of regard andaffection A deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction "their love left them indifferent to theirsurroundings" Any object of warm affection or devotion
WHAT IS LOVE? The very basic difference in real love and what ispassed for love in our society is the truth that love is nota feeling, love is a decision, a commitment to a person.The idea that love is an emotion misleads many youngpeople (and adults too, for that matter). There is a feeling associated with this commitment toanother person. That feeling is often called love.However, love is the commitment and remainsestablished through whatever life throws at it. Theemotion, on the other hand, may come and godepending upon the immediate circumstances. That is why some people fall into and out of love asoften as others of us change shirts. Hopefully, this willbecome more clear as you read and understand whatthe Bible calls love.
What is the difference?LOVE VERSUS INFATUATION
THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVEAND INFATUATION . Consider these contrasts between the two and determine ifthe feeling you have is love or infatuation. Remember tokeep the focus of your heart on the Lord Jesus and checkoften to see that the focus has not shifted or becomeblurred. Infatuation Leaps Into Bloom. Love usually takes rootslowly and grows with time. Two people do not fall into love,they grow into love. Love is not a feeling, it is a decision.Infatuation may be a sudden feeling. Infatuation Is Accompanied By A Sense Of Uncertainty.You are thrilled and stimulated, but not really happy. You aremiserable when he is absent, you cant wait to see himagain. Love begins with a feeling of security, you are warmwith a sense of his nearness, even when he is away. Youwant him near, but near or far, you know hes yours and youcan wait.
THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVEAND INFATUATION Infatuation Says, "We Must Get Married RightAway. I cant risk losing him," or "I must go steadywith him or some one else may take him awayfrom me." Love says, "Dont rush into anything."You are sure of one another and you can planyour future with confidence. Infatuation Has An Element Of SexualExcitement. If you are honest, you will discoverthat it is difficult to enjoy one another unless youend in intimacy (anything from heavy petting on).Love is the maturation of friendship. You must befriends before you can be lovers.
THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVEAND INFATUATION Infatuation Lacks Confidence. When hesaway you wonder if hes with another girl,sometimes you even check up on him to makesure. Love means trust. You may fall intoinfatuation, but you never fall into love.Infatuation may lead you in to doing things forwhich you might be sorry, but love never will. Love Leads You Up. It makes you look up,think up. It makes you a better person than youwere before. Be sure to learn the differencebetween love and infatuation.
THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVEAND INFATUATION These thoughts on love are quite different fromwhat the world says love is. Many times inScripture, what God says is quite the opposite ofwhat the world says. God has never yet beenproven wrong or inaccurate (nor will He ever be),so it seems a better risk to believe God than tobelieve THE LIE of the world. Where is the focus of your heart? Is it on the LordJesus or is it on popularity? Is it on acceptance bythe crowd or the "well done" of the Lord Jesus?Examine your own heart carefully and in light ofscripture. Where is the Focus of your Heart?
KNOW YOURSELF Your Background Physical Attributes, Career, Health, Finance, Family, Religion,Background Your Personal Character And Values Honesty Faithfulness Hardwork Wealth Your Dislikes About Yourself How You Feel About Children Touching Godly Living Talking
THIS DETERMINES WHAT YOU EXPECT What Do You ExpectHim To Be Christian Tall, Athletically Built, Sensitive, Affectionate, Stockbroker, Nurse, Wont be angry forever What Do Expect Her ToBe Christian Figure-eight, Gentle, Artist, Empathetic, Hardworking Homemaker Considerate
YOUR PAST Any past relationships? What lesson? What made you appreciate them? Any role models of the opposite sex? What do you admire about them What have you learned from them What about people you dislike?
THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GOOD FRIEND 1. A GOOD FRIEND IS FAITHFUL. Fair weather friends are numerous, andProverbs mentions these (cf. 14:20; 19:4,6,7). But a true friend is a personwho is still there even when the going gets tough. A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for adversity(17:17)(18:24)(27:10). 2. A GOOD FRIEND REBUKES US WHEN NECESSARY. There are thingswhich may need to be said to a friend that are not easy to say. IA true friendis the one who is honest enough to tell us what we need to hear, ratherthan to flatter us.(29:5). Better is open rebuke Than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of afriend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy (27:5-6). Why is it, then, that we seem to think that a wife should never criticize herhusband? Is it not better to be corrected by our closest friend than by anenemy? Sometimes the kindest thing a wife can do for her husband is to tellhim that his idea is absolutely ridiculous--in a gracious way, of course. 3. A GOOD FRIEND IS THOUGHTFUL AND TACTFUL. A good friend issensitive to our needs and speaks in such a way that we are encouragedand enriched. His sensitivity is demonstrated in his understanding thatgaiety and goodwill is not always appropriate nor appreciated. ―It mattersnot only ‗what‘ we say, but ‗how,‘ ‗when‘ and ‗why‘ we say it.‖34 (25:20)(27:14).
THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GOOD FRIEND 4. A GOOD FRIEND SHARPENS US. Not only do we needto be criticized when necessary, but sometimes we need tobe probed or stretched in our thinking. A good friend doesnot allow us to become intellectually stagnant, but prods uson to higher and greater thoughts. Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another (27:17) (20:5). Isn‘t this true to life? Don‘t you seek to develop friendships withthose who will challenge your thinking and present you with newavenues of thought? Why should one of these friends not beyour mate? 5. A GOOD FRIEND OFFERS US WISE COUNSEL. Thosewhom we choose as friends should be marked by wisdomand thus have godly counsel to offer. Oil and perfume make the heart glad, So a man‘s counsel issweet to his friend (27:9). David, Nabal, and Abigail in 1 Samuel 25.
THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GOOD FRIEND We should shun the following 1. WE OUGHT NOT ASSOCIATE WITH A FOOL. He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion offools will suffer harm (13:20). Leave the presence of a fool, Or you will not discern words ofknowledge (14:7). 2. WE OUGHT NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE WHOHAVE AN UNCONTROLLABLE TEMPER. Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, Lest you learn his ways, And find a snare foryourself (22:24-25). 3. WE SHOULD NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE WHOARE EVIL: Do not be envious of evil men, Nor desire to be with them; Fortheir minds devise violence, And their lips talk of trouble (24:1-2). He who is a partner with a thief hates his own life; He hears theoath but tells nothing (29:24).
THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GOOD FRIEND 4. WE SHOULD NOT ASSOCIATE WITH ONE WHO IS AREVOLUTIONARY. My son, fear the Lord and the king; Do not associate with thosewho are given to change; For their calamity will rise suddenly,And who knows the ruin that comes from both of them? (24:21-22) There are some who are always out to change things--society,government, other people. It is not wrong to try to improvethings, but the revolutionary is more bent on removing thanimproving. The revolutionary wants change for the sake ofchange, not change for the sake of improvement. Incidentally,some seem bent on finding a mate who needs improving--a sortof life-long project. Proverbs does not recommend it. 5. WE SHOULD NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THOSE WHOHAVE NO CONTROL OVER THEIR APPETITES. He who keeps the law is a discerning son, But he who is acompanion of gluttons humiliates his father (28:7).
THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GODLY WIFE 1. A GODLY WIFE IS GODLY. Godliness begins with a proper relationshipto God. A godly wife is, first and foremost, a woman who fears God. Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, sheshall be praised (31:30). In contrast, the woman to avoid is the one who does not know or fear God. Sheis sometimes referred to as a ―strange woman,‖ that is a foreigner, one who hasno knowledge of the God of Israel (cf. 2:25; 5:3,20; 7:5) 5:6). To keep you from the evil woman, From the smooth tongue of the adulteress(6:24).(12:4; 31:10). 2. A GODLY WIFE IS WISE. You will recall that wisdom is personified as awoman in the Book of Proverbs (cf. 1:20-33; 8:1-36; 9:1-6). So also theideal wife is characterized as a woman of wisdom. The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her ownhands (14:1). She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue(31:26). The opposite of the godly woman is the woman of folly. The woman of folly is boisterous, She is naive, and knows nothing (9:13). As a ring of gold in a swine‘s snout, So is a beautiful woman who lacksdiscretion (11:22).
THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GODLY WIFE 3. A GODLY WIFE HONORS HER HUSBAND. A man who hasmarried a godly wife has a wife who will bring honor to him. She istruly a helper to her husband. An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shameshim is as rottenness in his bones (12:4). The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack, of gain.She does him good and not evil All the days of her life (31:11-12). An ungodly wife humiliates and harasses her husband. She is not ahelper but a hindrance to her mate. She is ―as rottenness in his bones‖(12:4). By her haranguing, she makes him miserable: (19:13). 4. A GODLY WIFE IS GRACIOUS. One reason honor is given thegodly woman is that she is known for her graciousness. A gracious woman attains honor, And violent men attain riches (11:16). The ungodly woman is spoken of in very unbecoming terms. She isvexing, due to her contentious nature: It is better to live in a corner of a roof, Than in a house shared with acontentious woman (21:9; cf. 25:24)(21:19).
THE CHARACTER TRAITS OF A GODLY WIFE 5. A GODLY WIFE IS FAITHFUL TO HER HUSBAND. Thisis most clearly shown by contrast with the woman of follywho is an adulteress. To deliver you from the strange woman, From the adulteress whoflatters with her words; That leaves the companion of her youth,And forgets the covenant of her God (2:16-17). To keep you from the evil woman, From the smooth tongue ofthe adulteress (6:24). ―Come, let us drink our fill of love until morning; Let us delightourselves with caresses For the man is not at home. . . ‖ (7:18-19). While it is not stated explicitly, it is implied and assumed that agodly wife is one who maintains sexual purity. She is a womanwho is virtuous or excellent (31:10), in whom her husband hascomplete trust (31:11). She does her husband only good and notevil (31:12).She teaches her son the virtues of sexual purity(31:3). Certainly she is a woman of sexual purity.
THE QUALITIES OF A GODLY HUSBAND 1. A wise husband is kind and compassionate(12:10). 2. A wise husband is honest (29:24). 3. A wise husband is hard-working (12:11; 27:23-27). 4. A wise husband is truthful (12:17,19). 5. A wise husband exercises self-control (12:15;16:32). 6. A wise husband has a gentle tongue (12:18;15:1-2,4). 7. A wise husband is generous (14:21; 28:27).
THE QUALITIES OF A GODLY HUSBAND 8. A wise husband is willing to be corrected (even by his wife)and listens to counsel (12:15; 15:12,31-32; 28:13; 29:1). 9. A wise husband is a man of integrity (19:1; 20:7). 10. A wise husband is faithful and reliable (17:17; 29:3;contrast 25:19; 31:3). 11. A wise husband is forgiving (19:11). 12. A wise husband is willing to admit he is wrong (28:13). 13. A wise husband is humble (15:25,33; 16:18-19; 18:12;29:23). 14. A wise husband is not contentious, but a peacemaker(17:1; 18:1,19).
THE QUALITIES OF A GODLY HUSBAND 15. A wise husband has control of his temper (14:29;16:32; 17:27; 29:11). 16. A wise husband is a man who avoids excesses(20:1; 23:20-21, 29-35; 31:3-9). 17. A wise husband has a concern for others, especiallythe poor and the oppressed (29:7). 18. A wise husband can keep a confidence (17:9;26:20). 19. A wise husband fears God and is obedient to HisWord (13:13; 14:26; 16:20; 28:25; 31:30). 20. A wise husband is not a jealous man (27:4). 21. A The wise husband has a positive outlook on life(15:15; 17:22; 18:14).
A FEW OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS A person who is hard working and persistent islikely to be financially well off or well on theirway to it. A person who has strong moral values is likelyto be spiritual. A person who is dogmatic and traditional maybe religious.
A FEW OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS – WHATQUALITIES SHOULD YOUR PARTNER HAVE? Persistence? Industriousness? Compassion? Affection? Determination? Honesty? High Integrity? Sensuality? Sexuality? Self-discipline? Which of these is mostimportant? Vivaciousness? Out-going? Intelligence? Wit? Worldliness? Knowledge? Conversant? Sociable? Entertaining? Loyal Which of these is mostimportant?In what order of importance?
CONSIDER WHAT HE/SHE MUST NOT HAVE Dishonesty? Lack of integrity? Laziness? Social ineptitude? Disorderliness? Indiscipline?
SOCIAL NETWORKS OFFLINE At school At church At work
IN EACH CASE IT SEEMS MOREADVANTAGEOUS TO MARRY AN OLDFRIEND WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO SPENDTHE REST OF THEIR LIVES WITH YOU
ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORKS Face Book Yahoo Mail And Chat Rooms Online Groups These also abound with scammers and 419ers. Soseeing is believing
CAN YOU TRUST YOUR JUDGEMENT? God Yourself Your loving concerned parents An wise adult you have learned to trust overthe years An age mate who worships with you and whocan be trusted
All in all the buck finally stops with you but youmust be considerate when making your finaldecision. Consider your family Consider your fiancé(e)‘s family Statements made by well meaning individualsincluding your parents. In Africa, we don‘t marry individuals – wemarry whole families and communities.
WHICH OF THESE COUPLES ARE MATCHED AND WHICH ARE MATED?Finally theremust be AnUrge on theVerge of aMerge. At theend of the daythe two of youmust beMATCHEDand notMATED.
ANY QUESTIONS?May youhave asuccessfulsearch thatresults in asatisfyingmatch.Thank youvery much.