This document discusses tools for having courageous conversations about microaggressions. It defines microaggressions and debunks common myths. The document outlines strategies for speaking up about microaggressions using models like DEAR (describe, explain, assume good intent, request change) and active witnessing. It also provides advice for how to listen without defensiveness and respond graciously when receiving feedback about a microaggression. The goal is to have dialogues that build understanding and help create more inclusive communities.

1. Trevor Day School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Navigating Microaggressions:
Dialogue Tools for Ouch Moments
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2. About Seattle Girls’ School
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3. Courageous Conversations
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4. Debunking Some Myths
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 All or None
 Mistakes
 Apologies
 “Tonsils” Theory
 Vulnerability

5. Growing Through Mistakes
William Taylor’s Reflective Competence Model
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6. What Are Microaggressions?
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Accumulated Impact
Regular, Frequent, and Pervasive
Based on Stereotype
Often Unintended

7. What are some myths and barriers that
make it hard for you to speak up when
microaggressions happen?
Is there a time when you learned the most
because you made a mistake, and someone
pointed it out to you?
What are some microaggressions you have
witnessed or experienced at school or
beyond?
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Turn and Talk Pause

8. Speaking From the Heart
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9. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Can you lean on the
relationship?
Can you make it personal?
* Is your relationship
hierarchical? *

10. Being A DEAR
 Affirm the person or relationship
 Describe the behavior without judgment
 Explain the emotion/impact and your filters
 Assume positive intent
 Request or suggest different behavior
*** Key Points: timing, I statements, actions not
adjectives, inside feelings not outside feelings***
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11. You are a good friend. I have so much fun
with you, and I can tell you anything. Earlier
today, when I got my math test back and I got
98%, I heard you say, “Well of course you got
a 98% - you’re Asian!” I was pretty hurt when I
heard that. I work hard in all my classes to get
good grades, but so many people assume it’s
because of my race. It’s sad that I don’t get to
own my accomplishments like everyone else.
I’m pretty sure you didn’t mean for me to feel
that way. Can I ask that you please don’t say
things like that anymore?
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Being A DEAR: An Example

12. Being A Witness
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13. Are you speaking to the agent or
the audience?
Do you want to minimize harm to
the target group?
Do you want to educate?
Do you want to challenge social
norms?
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14. NCBI Effective
Interventions Model
 Reduce Defensiveness
– Tone
– Body Language
– Respect
 Keep the Conversation Going
– Hear Them Out
– Ask Open-Ended Questions
– Set Aside Your Feeling for the Moment
– Dialogue
 Build the Relationship
 Stop the Behavior
 Win an Ally
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15.  Ask open ended questions
– “He’s acting like a sissy”
– “How’s he acting? And why is that sissy?”
 Find out the experience motivating the comment
– “Why can’t they just speak English around here?”
– “It must be hard not to understand what people are saying around you.”
– “Why are people complaining about the movie night? It’s only $20 a person.”
– “Tell me more about about that.”
 Use exaggerated humor to highlight what’s going on
(use sparingly)
– “You’re gay – what do gay people think about this issue?”
– “I’m not sure – I’ll go ask. It may take me a while, since there are so many of us.”
 Join the person and do not make yourself superior
– “She got into that school because she’s Black and female.”
– “You know, I hear that a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out why we seem to think when a
Black woman gets recognized it must be because of ‘diversity’ or ‘affirmative action’
stuff rather than that she earned it.”
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Active Witnessing: Examples

16. Listening to the Real Message
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17. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)
Is this about what you did or
who you are (guilt or shame)?
What is your mindset voice
telling you?
Might this be an opportunity to
learn and grow?

18. Listening and Responding Bravely
 Listen with full attention
 Don’t try to defend or respond right away
– Take deep breaths
– Acknowledge your feelings
 Your mistakes don’t define you
– Be worthy of their trust and gift
 Prioritize the Impact over Intent
– Apologize for real
*** Moving through these moments with grace is
called shame resilience. It’s a vital skill***
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19. Listening and Responding: Examples
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 “I really appreciate your telling me this.”
 “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.”
 “I’m so sorry my words and actions made you feel
that way. No matter what I intended, it hurt you.”
 “I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, and I don’t
want to respond in a way I’d regret. After I take a
few minutes, do you think you can help me come
up with a better way to handle that situation?”
 “I wanted to go back to a moment I don’t think I
handled very well… Can we talk?”

20. What are some strategies (presented
here or ones you’ve developed) for
how you might intervene or receive
interventions well?
What are some questions or concerns
that arise when you think about
having these conversations?
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Turn and Talk Pause

21. Final Words of Advice:
Recognize Your Triggers
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22. Find Your Bucket People
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23. Practice Makes
Less Freeze-Ups
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24. If You Messed Up and You Know It,
Don’t Wait for the Intervention –
Just Apologize
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25. If You’re Really Sorry,
Work to Improve
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26. Build Authentic Relationships
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27. Inclusive Communities
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28. Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
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29. Final Questions or Comments?
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30. Resources
• Anti-Defamation League
• Brené Brown
• Cross Cultural Connections
(www.CulturesConnecting.com)
• National Coalition Building Institute
• The People’s Institute
• Stirfry Seminars
• Teaching Tolerance
• The Thiagi Group
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