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FIXING THINGS WHEN THEY
BREAK
POLY PITFALLS 101
MINX & LUSTYGUY
INTRODUCTIONS
ONLY MORE
TALKING
POLY = NOT MORE
ENLIGHTENED
WHAT DO YOU ARGUE ABOUT?
FAIR FIGHTING
101
FAIR FIGHTING 101
FAIR FIGHTING 101: RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
✓ The person who brought it up gets to go first
✓ Only one issue at a time
✓ You are the expert on you
✓ Acknowledge biological factors
✓ Touch each other
FAIR FIGHTING 101
TIPS AND TRICKS
✓ When you ____, I feel ____
✓ What I’m hearing from you is ___. Is that right? (Repeat
until yes)
✓ Someone has to be the grown-up/only one aggrieved
party at time
7
WHAT IS THE GOAL OF AN
ARGUMENT?
POLY PITFALLS 101
TODAY’S LEARNING OBJECTIVES
ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS RESOLUTION
1.Agree on what happened
2.Apologize and make amends
3.Agree how to prevent future
occurrences
OUR SAMPLE ARGUMENT
STEP 1:
AGREE WHAT
HAPPENED
—LustyGuy
STEP 1: AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
▸ Establish that the argument is over
▸ One person brings it up
▸ “So what happened is… “
▸ I felt ____ because I heard/thought that you were ____, and
that made me feel ____
▸ You felt ____ because you heard/thought that I was ___, and
that made you feel ____
▸ Is that right?
STEP 1 AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
FOR EXAMPLE: MINX AND LUSTYGUY’S LAST ARGUMENT
▸ “So I think we’re on the same page now. Do we agree that
the argument is over?”
▸ I got upset because _____
▸ And you got upset because _____
THINK ABOUT YOUR LAST
ARGUMENT
NOW YOU TRY
STEP 1:
AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
STEP 2:
OWN YOUR SHIT
AND APOLOGIZE
OWN YOUR SHIT
TA K I N G P E R S O N A L R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y
F O R U N D E R S TA N D I N G ,
D I AG N O S I N G , A N A LY Z I N G A N D
S TAT I N G YO U R E M OT I O N S
OWNING YOUR SHIT
ASSUMPTIONS
▸ What you feel is OK—no “shoulds”
▸ Emotions come from within; no
one makes you feel anything
▸ You are empowered to understand
and affect your emotions
I’M SORRY.
what everyone wants to hear
A WORD ABOUT APOLOGIES
CONTEXT
APOLOGIES
▸ In the west, we tend to see
apologies as legal admissions of
guilt or blame
▸ Elsewhere, apologies are social
lubricant
▸ Be vulnerable. Apologize liberally.
SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY
SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY
▸ Minx: I’m sorry I wasn’t paying
close enough attention to realize
you were taking about another
movie—I admit I didn’t read the full
article.
▸ LustyGuy: I’m sorry I didn’t check
to make sure I fully understood
what you were saying before I
responded to it.
I’m sorry I wasn’t paying
close enough attention.
I’m sorry I didn’t check to make
sure I understood what you were
saying before responding.
THINK OF YOUR LAST
ARGUMENT
NOW YOU TRY
STEP 2:
OWN YOUR SHIT & APOLOGIZE
STEP 3:
AGREE HOW TO
PREVENT FUTURE
OCCURRENCES
STEP 3: AGREE HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE OCCURRENCES
WHAT CAN WE DO TO AVOID?
▸ Minx will listen more carefully and
own when she hasn’t read the
articles. She won’t engage if she
doesn’t have bandwidth for a
thoughtful conversation.
▸ LustyGuy will restate before
responding.
I’ll work to pay more
attention in the future
when something is
important to you.
I will restate what I hear before
responding.
THINK OF YOUR LAST
ARGUMENT
NOW YOU TRY
STEP 3:
AGREE HOW TO PREVENT
FUTURE OCCURRENCES
TODAY’S LEARNING OBJECTIVES
ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS RESOLUTION
1.Agree on what happened
2.Apologize and make amends
3.Agree how to prevent future
occurrences
QUESTIONS?
WWW.POLYWEEKLY.COM
CUNNINGMINX@GMAIL.COM
@CUNNINGMINX
@POLYWEEKLY
WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/POLYWEEKLY

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Poly Pitfalls 101: Fixing Things When They Break

  • 1. FIXING THINGS WHEN THEY BREAK POLY PITFALLS 101
  • 3. ONLY MORE TALKING POLY = NOT MORE ENLIGHTENED
  • 4. WHAT DO YOU ARGUE ABOUT?
  • 6. FAIR FIGHTING 101 FAIR FIGHTING 101: RULES OF ENGAGEMENT ✓ The person who brought it up gets to go first ✓ Only one issue at a time ✓ You are the expert on you ✓ Acknowledge biological factors ✓ Touch each other
  • 7. FAIR FIGHTING 101 TIPS AND TRICKS ✓ When you ____, I feel ____ ✓ What I’m hearing from you is ___. Is that right? (Repeat until yes) ✓ Someone has to be the grown-up/only one aggrieved party at time 7
  • 8. WHAT IS THE GOAL OF AN ARGUMENT? POLY PITFALLS 101
  • 9. TODAY’S LEARNING OBJECTIVES ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS RESOLUTION 1.Agree on what happened 2.Apologize and make amends 3.Agree how to prevent future occurrences
  • 12. STEP 1: AGREE WHAT HAPPENED AGREE WHAT HAPPENED ▸ Establish that the argument is over ▸ One person brings it up ▸ “So what happened is… “ ▸ I felt ____ because I heard/thought that you were ____, and that made me feel ____ ▸ You felt ____ because you heard/thought that I was ___, and that made you feel ____ ▸ Is that right?
  • 13. STEP 1 AGREE WHAT HAPPENED FOR EXAMPLE: MINX AND LUSTYGUY’S LAST ARGUMENT ▸ “So I think we’re on the same page now. Do we agree that the argument is over?” ▸ I got upset because _____ ▸ And you got upset because _____
  • 14. THINK ABOUT YOUR LAST ARGUMENT
  • 15. NOW YOU TRY STEP 1: AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
  • 16. STEP 2: OWN YOUR SHIT AND APOLOGIZE
  • 17. OWN YOUR SHIT TA K I N G P E R S O N A L R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y F O R U N D E R S TA N D I N G , D I AG N O S I N G , A N A LY Z I N G A N D S TAT I N G YO U R E M OT I O N S
  • 18. OWNING YOUR SHIT ASSUMPTIONS ▸ What you feel is OK—no “shoulds” ▸ Emotions come from within; no one makes you feel anything ▸ You are empowered to understand and affect your emotions
  • 19. I’M SORRY. what everyone wants to hear A WORD ABOUT APOLOGIES
  • 20. CONTEXT APOLOGIES ▸ In the west, we tend to see apologies as legal admissions of guilt or blame ▸ Elsewhere, apologies are social lubricant ▸ Be vulnerable. Apologize liberally.
  • 21. SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY ▸ Minx: I’m sorry I wasn’t paying close enough attention to realize you were taking about another movie—I admit I didn’t read the full article. ▸ LustyGuy: I’m sorry I didn’t check to make sure I fully understood what you were saying before I responded to it. I’m sorry I wasn’t paying close enough attention. I’m sorry I didn’t check to make sure I understood what you were saying before responding.
  • 22. THINK OF YOUR LAST ARGUMENT
  • 23. NOW YOU TRY STEP 2: OWN YOUR SHIT & APOLOGIZE
  • 24. STEP 3: AGREE HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE OCCURRENCES
  • 25. STEP 3: AGREE HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE OCCURRENCES WHAT CAN WE DO TO AVOID? ▸ Minx will listen more carefully and own when she hasn’t read the articles. She won’t engage if she doesn’t have bandwidth for a thoughtful conversation. ▸ LustyGuy will restate before responding. I’ll work to pay more attention in the future when something is important to you. I will restate what I hear before responding.
  • 26. THINK OF YOUR LAST ARGUMENT
  • 27. NOW YOU TRY STEP 3: AGREE HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE OCCURRENCES
  • 28. TODAY’S LEARNING OBJECTIVES ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS RESOLUTION 1.Agree on what happened 2.Apologize and make amends 3.Agree how to prevent future occurrences