Milton Academy Facilitating Courageous Conversations

Milton Academy
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Safe to Brave:
Facilitating Courageous Conversations
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

About Seattle Girls’ School

Agenda
 Safe Versus Brave
 ---
 Examples From the Road
 Facilitation What If’s
 Questions and Answers

Engaging in Courageous
Conversations

Fears and Anxieties that Keep Us
from Having Conversations
 Offending
 Losing Face
 Tokenism
 Professional Risk
 Bursting the Bubble
 Rocking the Boat
 Conflict
 Lack of “Authority”

Pitfalls and Obstacles that Keep Us
from Conversing Again
 Outbursts
 Silence
 Denial
 The Good Talk
 Teacher vs. Facilitator
 Personal Attacks
 The Quick Fix
 Leadership Oppression

Safety Versus Comfort
Safety: I feel that, in this space, I can ask questions without
fear of judgment. I can voice my perspective and know that
I will be validated for the fact that that is my truth. Others
may challenge my ideas, but that challenge is in the spirit of
greater shared understanding and growth.
Comfort: I feel that, in this space, my reality will be agreed
with, validated, and unchallenged. I don’t have to explain
myself to be understood, and I don’t have to justify my
perspective, as everyone shares it.
True dialogue happens in an environment where everyone is
safe but not always comfortable...
SO THAT THEY CAN LEARN AND GROW.

Moving Conversations
from Safe to Brave
 Controversy with Civility
 Own your own intent and impact
 Challenge by choice – with reflection
 Respect in all its multiplicity
 No personal attacks, but pointed
challenges are okay
 Be mindful of the true source of your
emotions

Effective Communication Models
Common Threads
Brenda J. Allen, Difference Matters: Communicating Social Identity
SUPPORTIVE DEFENSIVE
Description Evaluation
Problem-Orientation Control
Spontaneity Strategy
Empathy Neutrality
Equality Superiority
Provisionalism Certainty

Examples from the Road

Gender

Birth Status and Family Configuration

Racial/Ethnic/Cultural Heritage

Religion

Socioeconomic Class

Common Scenario:
Disengagement
• Separating Oneself Physically
• Not Speaking
• Side talking, Checking Phone
• Dismissive Body Language
• Turning In Body Language
• “Well, I identify as ____, and I don’t see how I
can relate to this topic…”

Sharing the Wisdom: Disengagement
In what ways have you seen
disengagement from the
conversation manifest? What
strategies have you used (or
might try) to reengage people?

Common Scenario:
Ranking Oppressions
• “In this world, it’s so much worse being a
woman than a Person of Color.”
• “We should talk about REAL problems like
immigration status. Ability affects very few
people.”
• “You come from so much wealth, what
problems could you possibly have?”
• “How could I possibly have privilege if I’m
Muslim?”

Sharing the Wisdom:
Ranking of Oppressions
ranking of oppressions
manifest? What strategies
have you used (or might try) to
refocus people?

Common Scenario:
Reverse Discrimination
• “There are so many ways women get special
treatment in the world – leadership programs for
women, STEM courses for girls, and men can’t
say anything these days without being accused of
sexism.”
• “Conversations about class privilege make me feel
guilty, so you’re making ME unsafe…”
• “It’s so much harder for me to get into college as a
White person. People of Color have it so much
easier – how is THAT fair?”

Sharing the Wisdom:
Reverse Discrimination
claims of reverse discrimination
manifest? What strategies
dispel this notion?

Common Scenario:
Inclusion vs. Assimilation
• “We're all just here to get our education, not to
have some kind of Kum-ba-yah love-in.”
• “How can we be inclusive to EVERYONE’S
culture? Don’t we have to have some
standard for how we act at school or work??
• “Well, we can talk about inclusion here, but
how are we going to be prepared for the REAL
world, where not everyone thinks like this?”

Sharing the Wisdom:
Inclusion vs. Assimilation
the tension between inclusion
and assimilation? What
might try) to stress the
importance of inclusion?

Common Scenario: Colorblindness
• “How could I be prejudiced? I have lots of
friends who are…”
• “I treat everybody the same. I don't care if
they are brown, blue, yellow or purple.”
• “Doesn’t talking about how different we are
just separate us and make problems
worse?”
• “Well I’m just White, so I don’t think about
race all the time like People of Color…”

Sharing the Wisdom:
Colorblindness
colorblindness manifest? What
might try) to challenge this
notion?

Other Common Scenarios: Fear
• The role of and appropriate engagement for
people of privileged groups (i.e. White people
in conversations about race, males in
conversations about gender, etc.) (fear of
saying/doing the wrong thing)
• One or two students in a target group (fear of
hurting or offending)
• The “provocateur” who likes to create tension,
drama, or conflict (or fear thereof)
• Big eruption of emotions (or fear thereof)

Sharing the Wisdom:
Fear
Which fears are most
challenging for you or your
students? What strategies
overcome this fear?

For Your Toolbox
• Before a Lesson/Activity
• During
• After
• Be Mindful of Who You Are,
Whom You Are Leading,
What’s in the Air, etc.
• Use Your Resources

Open Acknowledgment

Define the Opportunity

Growth Mindset

Everyone Has Growth Zones
Comfort Zone:
Reliance on you
already know and do
well
Zone of Proximal
Development – The
Growth Zone:
Mindful and strategic
change toward the
next stage of growth
Panic Zone:
Unrealistic demands
on yourself and
others

Mistakes Are Part of the Process

Framing and Talking Points:
Different Occasions, Different Skills

Develop Your Inner Credible Hulk

Equality vs Equity
Everybody gets a shirt versus everybody
gets a shirt that fits.
Giving everybody some insulin in
equality. Giving only people who are
diabetic some insulin is equity.
What is “fair”?

Institutional vs Individual

Correlation vs Causation
Correlation: When income is averaged and compared, there
is a strong correlation between gender and income. This is
due to a myriad of historical, systemic, and economic factors that
impact men and women differently in the workplace.
Causation: When income is averaged and compared, there is a
strong correlation between gender and income. This must be
because women must not be as smart, hard-working, or
good with money as men.
Correlation: When folks are carrying umbrellas, they are
also wearing rain boots. This is because it’s raining.
Causation: Umbrellas make people wear rain boots.

Where We’re From vs Where We’re Going
Where We Come From: In the past, LGBTQ people were
openly discriminated against. Many LGBTQ people were
killed, fired from jobs, kicked out of families, etc. We’ve come
so far. Now, we have openly gay celebrities, politicians, and
other public figures. Equal marriage rights is now law of the
land. Most schools and workplaces have LGBTQ non-
discrimination policies. Why are LGBTQ people are so angry?
Where We Are Going: We still have LGBTQ people who are
discriminated against. News stories abound of LGBTQ people
killed, fired from jobs, kicked out of families, and more. We
have such a long way to go. Having public role models on TV
doesn’t protect kids from bullying and harassment in the
hallways. Having nondiscrimination laws and policies don’t
mean LGBTQ people receive fair treatment in practice Why
are straight/cisgender people are so complacent?

Expert Opinion vs Personal Opinion
Expert Opinion: An astronomy professor, widely published in
academic journals and books, with a national reputation in her
field, states that, according to the most current science, there
are 8 planets in our solar system.
Personal Opinion: Another person asserts that there are 9
planets because that is what he learned in school and from
his parents, he had a map of the sky in his bedroom as a
child, and everyone he knows agrees with him.
Expert Opinion: Experts in multiple fields validate the
existence, reality, and impact of microaggressions, stereotype
threat, racial anxiety, implicit bias, etc.
Personal Opinion: I think people should stop being so
sensitive and get over it. We live in a post-racial society. I
don’t have a racist bone in my body.
Is everybody’s opinion equally valid?

Privilege
“Privilege exists when one group has
something of value that is denied to others
simply because of the groups they belong
to, rather than because of anything they’ve
done or failed to do.”
[as described by Peggy McIntosh and quoted by Allan Johnson]
Privilege is SYSTEMIC. It drives the
systems that dominate our societies.

Two Types of Privilege
Unearned Advantage
an unearned entitlement
(i.e. things of value that
all people should have)
that is restricted to
certain groups
Conferred Dominance
bestowed control;
granted authority;
awarded power or
domination- Giving one
group power over
another

Accumulated Advantages

Situational Advantage
There are prime parking spots and seats
reserved for people with disabilities. People
with disabilities are often first to board
planes and other transportation vehicles.
These advantages are situational and do not
balance out systemic oppression.

Situational Advantage

An Ally Is…
“a person who is a member of the dominant or
majority group who works to end oppression in
his or her personal and professional life
through support of, and as an advocate with
and for, the oppressed population”
Washington and Evans, Becoming an Ally

An Ally Is…
“Someone who doesn’t have to stand up for
someone else, who might even lose something
if they do, but they do it anyway because they
know it’s the right thing to do”
6th Grade Student

Savior Complex
 Centers on the “Helper” and not the “Helped”
 Centers on making the “Helper” feel good about
themselves
 Assumes that the “Helper” knows what is best for the
“Helped,” often without even hearing from the direct
experiences of the “Helped”
 Doesn’t acknowledge deep injustices, where the “Helper”
is privileged and the “Helped” are oppressed
 Doesn’t do anything to give power to the “Helped”
 Does not create sustainable change – once the “Helper”
stops doing what they are doing, so does the positive
change

Allyship and Solidarity
 Centers on the “Helped” and not the “Helper”
 Centers on the “Helper” fulfilling a societal responsibility
as the privileged
 Assumes that the “Helped” knows what is best for the
“Helped,” and that the job of the “Helper” is to assist the
“Helped” in meeting those needs
 Acknowledges deep societal injustices, where the
“Helper” and “Helped” are equal in dignity and unequal in
access through no fault or earning of each party
 Results in the “Helped” becoming more powerful
 Creates sustainable change where the “Helper” becomes
obsolete because the positive change continues with or
without them

Developing into an Ally
Karen Bradberry, PhD
Active Passive Passive Active

Inclusive Communities

Presenter Information
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee

Resources
• Anti-Defamation League
• Brené Brown
• Cross Cultural Connections
(www.CulturesConnecting.com)
• National Coalition Building Institute
• The People’s Institute
• Stirfry Seminars
• Teaching Tolerance
• The Thiagi Group

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