Humor from a to z vol 5

HUMOR FROM A TO Z VOL 5
EDITED BY GLENN PEASE
A
AMISH HUMOR
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble
The Door Magazine
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 6 AM.
9. In his sock drawer you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full KISS makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he says, "I hate thee!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "JebDaddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If we had electricity, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come across his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Police catch him doing 20 mph in a buggy with flames painted on the side.
And the #1 sign to worry that your Amish teenager is in trouble:
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
B
BIBLE HUMOR
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Favorite Songs of Biblical Characters
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses:"The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach,
and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah:"Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah:"Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
C
HUMOR OF CHILDREN AND PARENTS
ILLUS: A school principal received a phone call. The voice said, "Thomas Bradley
won’t be in school today." The principal was a bit suspicious of the voice. He asked,
"Who is speaking?" The voice came back, "My father." --James S. Hewett,
Illustrations Unlimited
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ILLUS: In Hank Ketcham’s comic strip "Dennis the Menace," Dennis is looking
through a catalog saying, "This catalog’s got a lot of toys I didn’t even know I
wanted." -- Robert C. Shannon, 1000 Windows,
When my daughter-in-law was pregnant, my son went with her to doctor
appointments. The day the doctor checked the baby's heartbeat for the first time,
he handed the stethoscope to my son to listen. The doctor said, "Sounds like a
washing machine, doesn't it?" My son agreed.
On the way home my son was very quiet. Then came these words: "If it's a boy,
we can name him Kenmore. If it's a girl, we could call her Maytag."
After our priest performed a baptism at Sunday Mass, one proud family spent a lot
of time taking photographs. A month later the priest was again performing
baptisms when he noticed the same family at the font. "Didn't I baptize your child a
few weeks ago?" he asked the parents.
"Yes, the mother responded, "but the pictures didn't turn out."
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet
and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood
upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour
it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have
Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To
make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
CHILDREN
1. My best friend from high school asked my four-year-old son, Nyle, to be the
ring bearer in her wedding. As he was warming up to the idea, Nyle asked
me, "Mommy, when I walk down the aisle, can I growl at everybody?" "Why would
you want to do that, honey?" I asked. "Well, Mommy," he said, "you told me
I'd get to be the ring bear!"
2. On my son's fifth birthday, KC looked at his hand. Counting on his fingers,
he said, "Mom, first I was one, then I was two, then three, yesterday I was
four. Now I'm a whole handful." And he has been ever since!
3. Recently I realized I'd never shown my four-and-a-half-year-old son, Cameron,
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my baby pictures. After seeing them one day, he said, "If these are your
baby pictures, where are the dinosaurs?"
4. During a recent visit with my parents, my two-year-old daughter, Kylee, sat
at the kitchen table eating her lunch. My mom joined her, closed her eyes,
and bowed her head to say a silent prayer for her food. Kylee watched
inquisitively. As my mom raised her head and opened her eyes, Kylee asked,
"Nana, did you have a nice nap?"
5. My second grader, Rachel, recently discovered that then one of her friends
lost a tooth, the friend received ten dollars from the tooth fairy. When
Rachel realized the tooth fairy only gave her <I>two</I> dollars, she asked
her friend's mother, "Mrs. Kraft, would you mind doing me a big favor? Would
you please call my mom and tell her which tooth fairy you use?"
6. My son, Matthew, was seven when the school sent home his standardized test
scores. When I saw that he had scored a 99 percent in math, I praised him
and said, "You must have inherited Daddy's math genes." The look on my
husband's
face was priceless when Matthew ran up to him and said, "Daddy, look what
I got on my math test. I guess I do have your math pants!"
7. One day my three-year-old daughter, Olivia, helped me with my grocery
shopping.
As we were standing in line waiting to check out, she looked around at all
the carts and noticed what other people were purchasing. She then noticed
the woman behind us had her weeks-old baby in the back of her cart. Olivia
tapped me on the arm, pointed to this woman's cart and asked in hopeful
anticipation, "Mommy, can we buy one of those?"
8. During the children's sermon at our church one morning, the kids sat on
thesteps in front of the
sanctuary as our pastor explained the Bible verse,"I will make you fishers of men"
(Matt. 4:1 9).
As he held up his fishingpole, he asked, "If I were going to fish for men, what kind
of bait do
youthink I should use?" Wi thout hesitation, one little boy replied, "Donuts!"
9. My dad likes to amuse my two-year- old dau ghter, Kristin, by "magically"
pullingquarters out
of her ears. On a recent trip to the store, Kristin spotteda gumball machin e and
immediately
began asking for money. I explained toher that the machine needed a quarter and I
didn't have
one. Wasting no time,she replied, "Well, look in my ears. Papa always finds money
there.
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10. On our way to Grandma's house one Thanksgiving morning, my husband asked
our four-year-old daughter, Marissa, what she was thankful for. After thinking
a second, she replied, "I'm thankful for all my aunts and uncles." Seizing
the opportunity for a last-minute review, my husband said, "You sure have
a lot of them, don't you? Can you name them all?" In a condescending tone,
she replied, "Dad, they already have names."
David Bissonnette Subject: Funny
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly
trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on
Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did
you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God
did this with his left hand?"
Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's
right hand!"
Children's Notes to God
A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of the notes the children
handed in:
Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made
on Tuesday. That was cool.
Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't
You just keep the ones You have?
Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they
had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.
Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
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Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them.
Dear God: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You're on
vacation?
Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
Dear God: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in
the house?
Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries?
Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?
Dear God: Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if
You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.
Dear God: Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it
up.
Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much
hair all over.
Dear God: You don't have to worry about me; I always look both ways.
Summer is the dreaded season
When youngsters for no earthly reason
Will slam until they almost splinter
The doors they didn’t shut all winter. Stephen Schlitzer
CHILDREN’S MISUNDERSTANDING
One little guy told his teacher gorillas are always fighting, for you hear all the time
about gorilla warfare.
A little girl said the earth holds onto everything with its grabity.
One little girl thought Lincoln was shot because he was sitting in John Wilker’s
Booth.
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As we were riding down the road one day, my 5-year-old said, "Mom, stop!
Stop!" I asked her why. She said, "You passed that sign." I was
wondering what she was talking about, so I asked her what the sign said.
She replied, "It said, Do Not Pass!"
*Just Shine It*
My niece, Sara, called my parents in Alabama, who had no electricity
because of a winter storm. The weather hadn't been bad at Sara's house,
in Mississippi. The first thing she always asks my mom is, "Whatcha
doin' Grandma?" Mama said, "Sitting here in the dark. What are you
doing?" Sara answered, "Watching TV. Why aren't you watching TV?" My mom
replied, "Because our lights are out." With logic only a 4-year-old has,
Sara asked, "Do you have a flashlight? Just shine it on the TV; then you
can see it." I think my dad literally rolled on the floor laughing when
my mom told him what Sara said. He told everyone he saw for the next six
months.
/--Mary E. Park, Vinemont, Ala./
*Childproof Cap*
When my daughter, Brittany, was 4 or 5, she was having some "growing
pains" in her legs and needed to take some Tylenol?. She had the bottle
and was trying in vain to get it open while I changed her baby sister's
diaper. I saw her frustration and explained that it was a childproof cap
and I would have to open it when I finished. Eyes wide with wonder,
Brittany asked, "How does it know it's me?"
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT
IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
" TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
Solid Advice on Marriage from Kids
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her
parents." -Eric, Age 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He
says to her, "I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get
divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me." Then she says, "Yes," but
she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to
find out. -Anita, Age 9
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How Does a Person Decide Whom to Marry??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the
next one." -Kelly, Age 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find
somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, Age 8
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she
should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -
Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can
spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Carolyn, Age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -Bert, Age 5
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." -
Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." -Freddie, age
6
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but
their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out
about their values." -Lottie, Age 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what
kind." -Jeremy, Age 8
What Do Most People do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested
enough to go for a second date." -Martin, Age 10
"Many dater's just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig,
Age 9
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"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -Lynnette, age 8.
When is it OK to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and
her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, Age 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees
you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just
for a few hours." -Kally, Age 9
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...that's why I
stopped doing it." -Jean, Age 10
"When they're rich." -Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -Curt,
age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have
kids with them. It's the right thing to do." -Howard, age 8
The Great Debate: Is it Better to be Single or Married?
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan." -Kirsten, Age 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up
after them." -Anita, Age 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that
kind of trouble." -Will, Age 7
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. If
I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee
and diaper-changing." -Kirsten, age 10
Concerning why Love Happens Between Two Particular People:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you
smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -Jan, Age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it
isn't supposed to be so painful." -Harlen, Age 8
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How Can a Stranger Tell If Two People are Married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
kids." -Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
"Both don't want no more kids." -Lori, age 8
What Would You Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers to make
sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -Craig, age 9
On What Falling in Love is Like:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -Roger, Age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes
too long." -Leo, Age 7
On the Role of Good Looks in Love:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't
hurt to be beautiful." -Jeanne, Age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I
haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -Gary, Age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -Christine, Age 9
Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for
them." -Dave, Age 8
Confidential Opinions About Love:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when The Simpsons' is on
television." -Anita, Age 6
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide
from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -Bobby, Age 8
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"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -
Regina, Age 10
The Personal Qualities Necessary to be a Good Lover:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of
love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -Ava, Age 8
Some Surefire ways to Make a Person Fall in Love with You:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -Del, Age 6
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but
attention ain't the same thing as love." -Alonzo, Age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat.
French fries usually work for me." -Bart, Age 9
How can You Tell if Two Adults Eating Dinner at a Restaurant are in Love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -
John, Age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people
care more about the food." -Brad, Age 8
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those
because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." -Christine, Age 9
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You"
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least
once a day." -Michelle, Age 9
How a Person Learns to Kiss:
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -Doug,
Age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." -Carin, Age 9
How to Make Love Endure:
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." -Ricky, age 10
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -Tom, Age 7
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"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the
trash." -Randy, Age 8
How Would the World be Different if People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" -Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same
as they do now." -Roberta, age 7 Wilkinson Family Home Site
The Bible According to Kids
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he
took the Sabbath off.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is
bread without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he
obeyed him.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the
manger.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one
to you.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone
off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Wilkinson Family Home Site
Steve Allen, the late great comedian, used to tell a story about a little girl who just
came home from Sunday School and asked her father when her recently born baby
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brother would be able to talk.
"He won't be able to talk until he's about two years old," the father said.
"It was much better when they were writing the Bible," the young girl said.
"What makes you think that?," asked her father.
"They told us in Sunday School," replied the young child. "In the Book of Job, it
says, 'Job cursed the day he was born.'"
And finally, a colleague of mine named Ruth, told me about the time she was
painting the trim in her den. Her two young sons were boisterously playing at the
bottom of the ladder. Ruth was precariously perched at the top. When she came
down to calm the boys, the ladder shook and the bucket of blue paint spattered the
new white carpet.
Ruth was too distraught for words but her three-year-old son wasn't. He asked,
"Mom, shouldn't we say Damn?"
CHURCH HUMOR
ILLUS: In Parker and Hart’s "The Wizard of Id" comic strip, one monk is putting
up a sign on the bulletin board in front of the church while another monk watches.
The sign reads "Thou Shalt Not Covet" and the visiting monk says, "Boy, I wish we
had a signboard like that at our church." -- Robert C. Shannon, 1000 Windows
I heard of a pastor who had a nice boat and he named it visitation. That way when
his wife answered the phone and they wanted him she could say he was out on
visitation.
"After a worship service one Sunday a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy
told my friend Pastor Don how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About
halfway through the sermon, she said she leaned over and whispered to her son, 'If
you don't sit still and be quiet, Pastor Don is going to lose his place and will have to
start his sermon all over again!”
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The Preacher and His Horse
(from the Internet)
A preacher went to the stables to buy a horse. The stable owner chose a beautiful
bay horse and brought it over to the preacher. The stable owner said, "This horse is
just perfect for you. This beautiful mare was raised by another preacher and the
commands that this horse obeys would be very appropriate for you. For giddi-up
you say, "PRAISE GOD," and to stop you say, "AMEN."
The preacher was very pleased so he bought the horse and rode it home. On the way
he crossed a meadow. His excitement at the beauty of the scene was overwhelming
and he said "PRAISE GOD" and the horse galloped across toward some hills. He
maintained his speed going up the hill and then he saw a cliff! "What was I
supposed to say to stop?? What? What? What? Oh yes! AMEN!! AMEN!"
The horse stopped at the very edge of a cliff. The preacher wiped the sweat off his
brow said, "PRAISE GOD"!!
CHURCH HOPPING
There’s a story about a man who was stranded on a deserted tropical island, all by
himself, for twenty long years. Finally, after all that time, he was discovered by a
passing ship, and a rescue team sailed over to the island to retrieve the man.
There was great joy as the rescue team landed, and the team marvelled at the
accommodations the man had fashioned for himself. There were three large grass
huts on the island. They asked the man, "What are these three buildings you have
here?"
"Oh, that one is my house," said the man, pointing to one structure.
"That one over there is my church."
"And what about the third one?" the rescuers asked.
"Oh, THAT," said the man. "That's the church I USED to go to."
If Dr. Seuss Were a Theologian
by: Rev. Dean Kavouras
When your hermeneutic stumbles and your exegesis flops
and the Bible is so foreign that your conregation pops;
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then add some razzle dazzle to the sermon that you preach
bring an apple dapple rapple to the pulpit with a peach.
Forget about confessions and the doctrines we hold tops
and rub the peaches fuzz fuzz on each member till he drops;
Feed them apple dapple rapple till each one you make him screach
and they hickle pickle tickle like St. Fickle when you teach.
Syncopation, insulation, aviation too
are the topics you should teach them so they always know "how to."
How to lay a babled cable to the stable of the Lord
and how to play the jump rope with the everlasting Word.
Synthesizers excorcise the duldrums and the blues
and they tickle fickle wickles to the bottoms of their shoes.
They don't want law or gospel it's too hard to think about,
they want to go home laughin' with some peach fuzz and a shout.
So dump those old dry hymnals with their humble bumble stuff
and get a new projector till you've stilled all of their guff.
They may not learn salvation or damnation to avoid,
but they'll sumble tumble bumble and not mumble a bad woid.
With their fickle wickles tickled, and their hands raised up in praise
They'll find the antichrist where every poggle-hoggle strays
And looking 'round about, with their ears all filled with din
From the trumpet's blaring noises and the drums a drumminin
They'll think their jumpin'-bumpin' heartbeat is the Spirit caught within
The prancin' of their dancin' and the 'we just wanna-in'.'
How smart and ever clever in their worship -- yes, they are!
Give them a bit more practice, and they'll have Him in a jar!
A rabbi,a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side,
so they decide to carpool.
The first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the
hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running to his church. He
emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
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The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed.
He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the
island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going
to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly that it
drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does
that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I
tithe ten percent on that $100,000 per week. My pastor will find me!"
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church
bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and meditation to follow. (medication?)
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little
bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5.00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies
wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg
on the altar.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.
All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early
and listen to our choir practice.
The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,
"Break Forth With Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good
sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
16

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. John Green
who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespear's "Hamlet" in the church
basement on Friday at 7:00pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start
quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the St. Peter's Catholic Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join
the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth
of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children.
The new pastor unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I
Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the
church basement Saturday.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from
Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals."
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure
to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not
worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot
dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus"
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can
17

get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She
is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break
Forth into Joy."
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends
a friendship that began in their school days.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans,
bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious
hostility.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back
door.
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of
our members in honor of his wife.
Top 10 Christian Pick-up Lines
I just don't feel called to celibacy.
Did I tell you that my great-uncle was a personal friend of Billy Graham?
I don't see it myself, but people tell me I look like Michael W. Smith.
What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?
You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa. (DO NOT get this
confused!)
You know, I'm really into relationship evangelism.
I'm pretty flexible--I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date.
Before tonight, I never believed in predestination...
Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical.
And the number one Christian pick-up line...
I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight.
Footprints, Revisited
One night I had a wondrous dream,
18

One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for human feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their buttprints in the sand."
Author unknown
Spurgeon laughed as often as he could. He laughed at the ironies of life, he laughed
at comical incidents, he laughed at the amusing elements of nature. He sometimes
laughed at his critics. He loved to share wholesome jokes with his friends and
colleagues in ministry. He was known to tell humorous stories from the pulpit.
William Williams, a fellow pastor who kept company with Spurgeon, was a near
and dear friend in the latter years of Spurgeon’s life. He wrote:
What a bubbling fountain of humour Mr. Spurgeon had! I laughed more, I verily
believe, when in his company than during all the rest of my life besides. He
had the most fascinating gift of laughter…and he had also the greatest ability for
making all who heard him laugh with him. When someone blamed him for
saying humourous things in his semons, he said, “He would not blame me if he only
knew how many of them I keep back.”
Spurgeon considered humor such an integral part of his ministry that a whole
chapter in his autobiography is devoted to it. Humor permeates his sermons and
writings, often woven into the fabric of his messages. It's one reason among many
why he is still so readable today.
19

Misbehaving
God decided to check on His creatures here on Earth and see what was going on. He
decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So, He called one of His
angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel
to get another opinion." So, God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a
time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it is true. The Earth is in
decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not at all pleased. So, He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good because
He wanted to encourage them... give them a little something to help them keep
going.
Do you know what that e-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one either!
Church One-liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember, Moses started out as a basket
case.
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come
close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the
back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
20

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which
one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just
sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you.
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
The will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
HYMNS -- The Way We'd Sing Them (if we were honest)
The Door Magazine
I Surrender, Some
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
Fill My Spoon, Lord
Oh, How I Like Jesus
He's Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
Take My Life and Let Me Be
It Is My Secret What God Can Do
There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
Just As I Pretend to Be
When the Saints Go Sneaking In
Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Self-Esteem to the World, The Lord Is Come
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
21

Go Tell It on the Speed Bump
Special, Special, Special
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
Praise God From Whom All Affirmations Flow
My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
I Lay My Inappropriate Behavior on Jesus
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
When Peace, Like a Trickle
I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
Joyful, Joyful We Think Thee Pretty Good
Blessed Hunch
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style
The BC Letter
There once was an old lady; quite sensitive and always elegant in her language. She
and her husband were planning a weekâs vacation at a campground. She wrote for
a reservation and wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped in terms
of its bathroom facilities. She being so elegant and delicate didn't know how to write
about something so gross as the toilet. Not being able to bring herself to write the
word "toilet," she decided instead to use the old-fashioned term "bathroom
commode." So she wrote out the whole letter using the term "bathroom commode."
After reading it she decided that even that term was too crude and so she decided to
abbreviate "bathroom commode" to "BC". So what she actually wrote was, "Does
the campground have its own BC?"
Well the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he received the
letter he couldn't figure out what she was writing about. This "BC" business
stumped him. He then decided to show some of the campers and they couldn't
imagine what the lady meant, either. The campground owner finally came to the
conclusion that the lady must be inquiring about the location of the nearest Baptist
Church. So he sat down and wrote her the following reply:
Dear madam,
22

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter but I now take pleasure in
informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground. It is capable of
seating 250 people. I admit that that is quite a distance to go if you are in the habit
of going regularly. But no doubt you'll be glad to know that a great deal of people
take their lunches along. They make a day of it arriving early and staying late. The
last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago. It was so crowded we had to stand up
the whole time. I would like to say it pains me not to go more often, and it certainly
is no lack of desire on my part, but as we grow older it seems more of an effort.
Remember we want you to know that this is a friendly campground so, if you decide
to come here, I'd be glad to go with you the first time. I'll sit with you and introduce
you to all the other people.
Sincerely yours,
The Owner
CLEVERNESS HUMOR
A man was struck by a car as he walked across the street. Ultimately, the matter
came to court. In his argument to the jury, the attorney for the driver of the car
said: "My client has been driving for forty years and his record is blameless. Never
before was he in an accident." Whereupon the attorney for the pedestrian rose and
said, "It appears that my learned colleague would like to resolve this matter on the
basis of experience. In that case, I can tell you that my client has been walking for
sixty years and that his record is blameless. Never before has he been struck down
by a car."
COLLEGE HUMOR
Another Day in the Life of a College Student
Up too late the night before.
Want to stay in bed some more.
Searching for a matching sock
in time to make my eight o'clock.
Sprinting all the way to class.
Slowly running out of gas.
Walking in the pouring rain.
A thunderstorm's inside my brain.
23

Soaking wet, I make it in.
Professor asks me where I've been.
I try to think up some excuse.
"It's chronic eight o'clock abuse!"
Writing till my hand falls off.
Don't have time to even cough.
Can't get breakfast off my mind.
Now I'm half-a-page behind!
Man, this lecture's really boring.
Is it me that I hear snoring?
No, it's just the ocean breeze.
I'm floating on a piece of cheese
sailing off to la-la land,
while jamming to a reggae band.
And as I lay me down to rest,
please let me dream I pass my test.
And if I don't, for goodness sake,
just let me sleep till summer break!
COMPUTER HUMOR
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
24

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Jerry Zar, Dean of the Graduate School,
Northwestern Illinois University
CRIMINAL HUMOR
IS IT EVER RIGHT TO LIE?
A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store.
On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don’t use
dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."
He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were
floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a
stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely
shaken."
25

D
DEATH HUMOR
Wrong Color Suit
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went
to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant
she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through
her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a
black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in
a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert
before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears
as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician,
"Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was
brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was
quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
Funerals mean death, but they also can mean life-just as sewing is the
death of a seed, but it is life of the plant. It is the end of the seed but
the beginning of the plant, or the higher life of the seed. Many Jews
were saved from the Nazis by use of funerals. In Oct. 1943 there was
a somber procession of mourners moving through the streets of
Copenhagen, Denmark. Nazi guards paid no serious attention. At the
cemetery the procession of Jews were smuggled out of the country. Dr.
Karl Koster who conceived the whole idea was the registrar of the
hospital. He used the hospital to hide Jews and take by ambulance
to places where they could get out of the country. Thousands of Jews
walked in many funeral possessions and escaped.
26

E
EXAGGERATION HUMOR
SIR WATKIN WILLIAMS WYNNE talking to a friend about the antiquity of his
family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere mushroom of
yesterday. “How so, pray ?” said the baronet. “Why,” continued the other, “when I
was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shown to me : it filled five large
skins of parchment, and near the middle of it was a note in the margin : ‘About this
time the world was created.’ ”
EXERCISE HUMOR
Life's Real Workout
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body
doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous
activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program
without charge.
01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing my pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing my weight around
07) Dragging my heels
08) Pushing my luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
27

11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.
F
FAMILY HUMOR
They got a bran' new baby
At Bud Hicks' house, you see.
You'd think Bud Hicks had somethin'
The way he talks to me!
He comes around a-braggin',
An' when he wouldn't quit
I said: "What good's a baby?
You can't hunt fleas on it."
Then Bud turned to me an' told me
28

How loud that kid could yell,
An' lots I can't remember,
He had so much to tell.
But I got tired o' hearin'
An' so I ast him, quick,
"If you wuz in a-swimmin'
Could it go get a stick?"
There is no use a-talkin',
Bud thinks their baby's fine!
Huh! I'd a whole lot rather
Jest have a pup like mine.
I'll bet it's not bald-headed!
But if Bud doesn't fail
To let me hear it yellin',
I'll let him pull Spot's tail.
ANONYMOUS.
FART HUMOR
Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the
first time. Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten. Whatever the
reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of
wind. By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and
into the car without disgracing herself. As Dave closed the door on her side and
walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud
fart.
Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed. However, turning
to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, "Let me introduce my two
friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!"
This (true?) story dates from 1940:
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He
loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on
him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never
go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the
29

supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
Sign: Get Gas A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be
late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects
before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.
All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him
promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made
him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and
let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing,
so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel
better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled
worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the
smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt
another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a
real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on
the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with
his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and
freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After
assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled
"SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.
DIFFERENT KINDS OF FARTS
30

Plain Jane. One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor
cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly
fart.
Beefy One. Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross
between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.
Eggy. Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor
which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see
below).
Bunbuster. 'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more
sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves your
asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.
Ripper. Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your
pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone
sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.
Kliban cartoon of powerful fart
Diesel. Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless
cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'
Yellow surprise
Gunshot. Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe
that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of
virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very
dangerous.
Squeaky. Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells
foul.
Worrier. The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release
it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to
the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.
ToiletPoopie Prelude. It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a
tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks
fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Present. The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a
housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a
business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.
Burble. Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.
31

Fart SmilieSBD (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the
occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators
haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as
SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)
Dangerous Gases sign!
GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost). You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay
where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart...
Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your
wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?
Hydrated. The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a
cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing
white trousers.
Not Now Please! You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it
due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.).
You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for
the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end
you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth
approach (see below).
Who, Me? You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly
take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds
later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You
point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
Waker-Upper. The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you
had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious
gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers
when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee,
releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole
day.
Fireball
Electrical. Sound like they have some juice in them.
Dutch Oven. A fart you make in bed -- any kind at all -- followed up by holding
your partner's head under the bedclothes so that he/she can get the full effect of it.
Good for moving a stalled divorce process along. Very bad early in your marriage.
FAT HUMOR
32

My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, Though I knoweth, I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, It exciteth me.
For I knoweth that sooneth shall I dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life And I shall be 'pleasingly plump' forever.
UNKNOWN
Time To Diet You Know It's Time To Diet When....You dance and it makes the
band skip.You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22
more years to live.You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.You go to the zoo and the
elephants throw you peanuts.Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other
side."You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your
picture.You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.You could sell
shade.You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.
“Its worth noting one grisly fulfilment of James’ prediction. Some 25 or 30 years
later when the Roman general Titus captured the city of Jerusalem, after a lengthy
siege he tortured the obese citizens of the city to get possession of their wealth. It
was obvious they had access to resources the starving populace did not have.”
G
GOD HUMOR
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God Loves Blondes
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in
dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She
begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me
win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why
have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children
are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant
to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in
order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is
overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this...
Buy a ticket"
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and
posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is
watching the apples."
WOMEN HARD TO UNDERSTAND
An Italian Man Gets One Wish
An Italian man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a
sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that
kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The
concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish
you think would honor and glorify me."
34

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been
married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and
insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel
inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry,
what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly
happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
God's Kids
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said
was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he stopped
creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
35

"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this
story. If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If
God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake
for you?
H
HEALTH HUMOR
The REAL Truth about Exercise
Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
Jogging is not really exercise, but rather a form of self- abuse. Besides, do you really
want legs as ropy as a veal shank?
No one at your health spa will ever look like they need to exercise ... except you.
It is unsafe to lift weights unless you've a driver ready to take you to the hospital
when you rip your deltoids.
Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing; if you believe it is, you
have serious problems.
No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done quietly at your
desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as you twitter around in your
36

chair.
Jumping rope is a very good way to lose inches and teeth. It's sublimely easy to trip
and fall on our chin while doing double dutch.
Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around for an
hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard racket should
immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
Push-ups often lead to throw-ups.
Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
Sports are extremely dangerous activities for injury-prone amateurs and should be
left to paid professionals. Why else would God have invented TV and the Super
Bowl?
Author unknown.
HEAVEN HUMOR
A man died and ...
(One of the few theologically-correct heaven's gate jokes)
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 1000 points to make it into heaven.
You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of
points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 1000 points,
you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never
cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its
ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked
in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by
the grace of God!"
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"994 points! Come on in!"
HUMOR IN HEAVEN based on Rev. 21:4
By Pastor Glenn Pease
W. Douglas Roe pastored a large Baptist church in Philadelphia, where he had a
weekly radio broadcast. He was also going to seminary, and the load became to
heavy, and he had a breakdown. He was out of the pulpit for many months. He had
to learn to relax, and so he became a sort of comedian. He discovered his sense of
humor, not only saved him, by bringing healing, but it was a useful tool for saving
others for eternity.
He was asked to speak at a noon service in a large industrial plant. He was told
about a certain worker who was a ardent atheist. He would never attend the
service. Roe deliberately walked up to this man's bench, just before the meeting,
and said to him, "Did you ever think how much we have to thank God for?"
Before he could respond, Roe continued, "Take your nose for example. If anyone
else but God had given it to you, it might have been turned upside down. Then if it
rained, you would drown, and if you sneezed, you would blow your hat off." Roe
just walked on up to the pulpit. The man was so intreagued by his humor, that he
stayed to listen. He heard the Gospel, and made a decision for Christ. Humor
became his first step on the way to heaven. Humor never saves, only Christ does,
but humor may bring one to Christ.
A study of the great preachers of history, and the most popular in our
contemporary world, will reveal that humor is a powerful tool in bringing people to
Christ, and thus to heaven. Spurgeon used a lot of humor, and he wrote, "It always
makes me laugh when I am called a sour Puritan, because you know there is nobody
with a quicker eye for fun, or with a deeper vein of mirth, than I have." D.L.
Moody loved to get together after an evangelistic service, and relax by telling jokes.
A lady once asked him how he could laugh so soon after the serious labor of dealing
with souls. He said, "If I didn't, I'd have a nervous break down at the pace at which
I live."
Calvin and Luther, and even Jonathan Edwards, the hell-fire preacher, had a
keen sense of humor. Some of the great Christians of history had to learn to control
their sense of humor. David Livingston, who opened up Africa to missions, and who
suffered enormous hardships, said to his wife, more than once, as they would
recover from their fits of laughter, "Really, my dear, we ought not to indulge in so
many jokes. We are getting to old. It is not becoming. We must be more staid." It
is almost universally accepted as a fact of life, that it is a great virtue to have a sense
of humor. The question is, will we go on in enjoying a sense of humor in heaven?
Will we laugh forever, or will laughter be to earthly to be a part of the perfection of
the holy city?
The Bible is our only source for reliable information on heaven. Let me share
with you those texts which convince me that humor is not merely temporal, but
38

eternal. I am convinced that humor is a part of the image of God, and that it is not
the result of the fall. Here in Revelation 21:4, John tells us plenty about what will
not be heaven. There will be no tears, no mourning, no crying, no pain, and death
will also be no more. The whole point of these negatives, is for the purpose of
magnifying the positives. If death is gone forever, then it follows, life is present
forever, for there can be no end to it with death gone. If tears and mourning and
crying are gone forever, it follows that there opposites, joy and laughing, are free to
be experienced forever. There need be no fear that some sudden tradgey will turn
our laughter to sorrow, as is the case in time.
If it can be established that laughter and a sense of humor is good, then it follows,
naturally, that they will be a part of eternal life, for nothing that it good wilieve it,
and by their solemn piety drive people away from the stream of life!"
We need to think more seriously about the nature of humor to grasp it's
importance in the nature of God. If I can laugh at the monkey's, little children, and
other funny things of life, but God cannot, then it would mean, I have a positive
quality of character that God does not have. This, of course, can never be, for I am
made in His image. Laughter must either be a part of that image, or be a result of
the breaking of that image in the fall. Since all agree that a sense of humor is a
positive quality in man, we have to conclude, it is a quality of God's nature, and will
be eternal.
If the angels rejoice over every sinner who repents, I am sure that God the Father
and the Son do not sit in solemn silence, but join the celebration. The father of the
Prodigal Son called for a celebration when his son returned, and they began to make
merry. If that father could go out and sulk with the elder son, and not enter into the
joy and laughter of the party, then we would have a picture opposite of what Jesus
gives us. He portrays this father, who represents God, as entering fully into the joy
and laughter of the celebration. It can be assumed that God will do so in the eternal
celebration of heaven.
I link laughter to joy, because it is almost impossible to conceive of a joyous
banquet, where there is no laughter. Laughter is a part of a joyous time. It is not
likely you would call any occasion joyous, if there was no laughter. If you could sit
at the marraige supper of the Lamb, and never laugh, you would be able to say, this
is great, but I remember a time on earth that was even greater. You can count on it,
there will be no memories in heaven, that recall times on earth of greater joy and
laughter. If laughter is not a part of heaven, it will lack a value we all teasure in
time. This can never be.
Jim Elliot, the missionary martyr, wrote in his diary, when he was a senior at
Wheaton, "God has blessed me with a queer twist that makes me laugh at almost
anything." Dr. Donald Gray Barnhouse, the great preacher and author, wrote,
"There is no objection to laughing at something funny. I read some magazines just
to laugh at the cartoons, and then throw them down without reading any of their
articles or stories." One of Wesley's favorite sayings was, "Sour godliness is the
devil's religion." Proverbs 15:15 says, all the days of the afflicted are evil, but a
cheerful heart has a continual feast." Because this is so, we should be a people who
long to develop our sense of humor, and pray with the poet-
Give me the gift of laughter, oh, I pray
39

Though tears should hover near;
Give me the gift of laughter for each day-
Laughter to cast out fear.
This is a worthy prayer, and the good news is, it will one day be fully answered,
and all God's people will laugh and enjoy forever the humor of heaven.
HUMOR OF HISTORY
The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the
occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the
following ``history of the world'' from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected
by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level.
Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by
irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses,
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once
asked, ``Am I my brother's son?'' God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount
Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a
patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to
it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to
the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten
Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of
David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of
columns---Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female
moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until
he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote
40

The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They
killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the
java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was
democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in
Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what
their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because
they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore
garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the
fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived
in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black
Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free
man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time
was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another
tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human
being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the
Renaissance. It was an age of great invention and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the ``Virgin
Queen.'' As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her
41

troops, they all shouted, ``hurrah.'' Then her navy went out and defeated the
Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor
with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.
In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to
kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were
called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean,
and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they
were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before
them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian
heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The
winter of 1680 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies
were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea.
Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During
the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The
dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War
and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket
and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats
backwards and declared, ``A horse divided against itself cannot stand.'' Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of
Our Country. Then the Constitution the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare
arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in
infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When
Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, ``In onion there is
strength.'' Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from
42

Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. Fourteenth Amendment gave
ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-
Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the
night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of
the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth,
a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented
electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac
Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the
trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from
1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before
it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it
catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napolenonic Wars, the crowned heads of
Europe were tremoling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from
the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder
problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his
power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East
and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a
thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were
exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her
reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for
rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
HUMOR OF HYMNOLOGY
43

Subject: Have I got a Hymn for You
To: billandsheila18@aol.com,
The Dentist's Hymn:..................Crown Him With Many Crowns
> The Weatherman's Hymn.........There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
> The Contractor's Hymn.............The Church's One Foundation
> The Tailor's Hymn.....................Holy,Holy, Holy
> The Golfer's Hymn....................There is A Green Hill Far Away
> The Politician's Hymn...............Standing on the Promises
> The Optometrist's Hymn...........Open My Eyes That I May See
> The IRS Agent's Hymn..............I Surrender All
> The Gossip's Hymn..................Pass It On
> The Electrician's Hymn............Send the Light
> The Shopper's Hymn...............Sweet By and By
> The Realtor's Hymn..................I've Got A Mansion Just Over the
> Hilltop
> The Pilot's Hymn........................................I'll Fly Away
> The Paramedic's Hymn.............................Revive Us Again
> The Judge's Hymn.....................................Almost Persuaded
> The Psychiatrist's Hymn............................Just A Little Talk
> With
Jesus
> The Architect's Hymn.................................How Firm A
Foundation
> The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn....A Charge To Keep I Have
> The Zookeeper's Hymn.................All Creatures of Our God & King
> The Postal Worker's Hymn.......................So Send I You
> The Waiter's Hymn....................................Fill My Cup, Lord
> The Gardener's Hymn.......................Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
> The Lifeguard's Hymn.......................Rescue the Perishing
> The Criminal's Hymn.........................Search Me, O God
> The Baker's Hymn...................When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder
> The Shoe Repairer's Hymn..............It Is Well With My Soul
> The Travel Agent's Hymn.................Anywhere With Jesus
> The Geologist's Hymn......................Rock of Ages
> The Hematologist's Hymn................Are You Washed in the Blood?
> The Menswear Clerk's Hymn..............Blest Be the Tie
> The Umpire's Hymn.............................I Need No Other Argument
> The Librarian's Hymn.........................Whispering Hope
44

I
INSULT HUMOR
37 Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
All the lights on, and nobody home.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of six-pak.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One fruit Loop shy of full bowl.
One taco short of combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
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Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
46

J
JESUS HUMOR
My Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine.
3. And he wasn't afraid of water.
My Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
My Jewish friend had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
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1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But my women friends have the most compelling evidence of all that Jesus was a
woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
UNKNOWN AUTHOR
Did Jesus Laugh?
A pastor's response.
By William Webber
Early in my career, I was the pastor of a small church in a rural community. Wilbur
and his wife, Leah, attended every Sunday morning. Wilbur was a farmer, and
whenever he came into his house from the field and sat down, he would fall asleep.
It was such a habit that when he came into church and sat down in the pew, he
would also soon fall asleep. I discovered that some members of the church were
taking bets on how long I could keep Wilbur awake on Sunday mornings.
Wilbur’s wife was embarrassed by his behavior, especially when he began to snore.
She tried everything to keep her sleepy spouse awake. She complained to him that
she was getting calluses on her elbow from poking him in the ribs in a futile effort to
keep him alert. One day while grocery shopping, she saw a small bottle of
Limburger cheese. Leah bought it and dropped it into her purse.
48

The next Sunday morning, I had just started the sermon when Wilbur began to nod.
When I finished the first point in my three-point sermon, I could see I was losing
him. As I started the third point, Wilbur began to snore. Quietly, Leah opened her
purse, took out the Limburger cheese, and held it under her husband’s nose. It
worked. Wilbur sat up straight and, in a voice that could be heard all over the
church, said, “Leah, will you please keep your feet on your own side of the bed!”
What do you think? Would Jesus have laughed that Sunday? I know I did.
JESUS LAUGHS
CONNIE: I remember when we did the series we called “The Joy of Jesus.” You
talked with Bruce Marchiano, who played the part of Jesus in the Matthew video,
about how the gospels reveal a Savior who was filled with joy in His daily activities.
LONNIE: One of the most memorable scenes in that film, I think, is when Jesus has
healed a leper, and the two of them just run to each other and hug each other and
roll on the ground laughing with joy at the wonderful thing Jesus has done.
CONNIE; There had to be a lot of joy around Jesus, when He was reaching out and
touching so many people with healing. But some people think of Him only as “a man
of sorrows and acquainted with grief.”
LONNIE: Well, of course there’s that aspect of His ministry as well. And
understanding that helps us see Jesus as a well-rounded person—a Man who can
empathize with us when we’re going through difficult times. But as we’ve continued
studying the Bible, we’ve noticed that there are also many indications that God not
only has a capacity for joy—He must have the ability to laugh as well.
Now, notice what happens when Abraham laughs at what God has told him: “God
said, ‘No, but your wife Sarah shall bear you a son,’ ” and friend, here’s where I
picture God coming very close to Abraham. In fact, I think I can picture God
laughing right along with Abraham as He says this: “‘Sarah shall bear you a son,
and you shall name him he laughs!’ ” (Genesis 17:19, NRSV). You see, that’s what
the name Isaac means: “He laughs!” And I don’t think God picked that name out of
a baby-name book. I don’t think He chose it by accident. I think God went right
along with Abraham’s reaction to His promise.
Scholars have pondered this name “He Laughs” for centuries, wondering what it
means. Who laughs? They ask. And many have concluded it’s a reference to God
Himself. God laughs!
I mean, it is funny, isn’t it? To think of a century-old man fathering a child by his
ninety-year-old wife? When Abraham laughed so hard he fell on the ground, why
49

wouldn’t God laugh right along with him? That’s what you do when a friend is
laughing, isn’t it?
After Abraham and his friend God have shared this precious time of enjoyment—
thinking of the wonderful thing that’s going to happen—God speaks again, and you
can tell that He wants His friend to always remember this day. This time when they
had such joy and mirth together. Because He says—when you name your son, name
him in remembrance of this day. Name him “He laughs!” So that every time you call
him to dinner you’ll remember that you serve a God who not only walks with you,
who not only talks with you, who not only joins you in your suffering, but who joins
you in your joy! Who wants to walk and talk and laugh with you as you go on your
journey? I want you and your son to always remember that you have a God who
wants to be a close friend to you.
Friend, there were serious moments; there were hard times, in Abraham’s journey
with God. And sometimes we focus on those things—on the sacrifices God asked His
friend to make—asking him to leave his home and his family behind, telling him to
send Ishmael away, asking him to take Isaac to Mt. Moriah and offer him as a burnt
offering.
These were hard, serious times, and Abraham had to learn many difficult lessons as
he grew to the point where he could be known as the friend of God.
But I can’t help but think that this day, when he and the Creator laughed together
over the thought of a son being born to Sarah, was one of the times when his
relationship to God grew by leaps and bounds. Because now he knew God as one
who wanted to share with him in all of his humanness, all of his feelings, all of what
it means to be a real person and a real friend.
It made Abraham feel comfortable with God. And a few days later, when God came
down to visit again, Abraham felt so comfortable with Him that he invited His
friend to come home for dinner. That story’s found in the very next chapter of the
Bible, Genesis 18. Abraham is sitting in the door of his tent, relaxing at siesta time in
the heat of the day, when he sees three men walking by. It doesn’t take him long to
realize this is God Himself.
How would you respond if God came walking down your street? Run and hide
under the bed?
Not Abraham. He ran right out and invited God and His angel’s home for dinner.
No doubt looking forward to a great time of conversation with his Friend—the one
who had brought him such wonderful news, and who had laughed together with
him about it.
Is it OK to laugh in church? Is it OK to be joyful in your relationship with God?
Well, ask Abraham—or better yet, ask his son—the one God named “He Laughs!”
50

UNKNOWN
Divine Folly: Being Religious and the Exercise of Humor
By Doris Donnelly
"Jesus, for one, was witty, unpredictable, fully alive, and a person who delighted in, celebrated with,
and was open to surprise. [I]t is safe to say that divorcing humor from religion is potentially
destructive of true religion. Even when the separation is done with the best of motives, or in
ignorance, the results are disastrous because we rob ourselves of the lightness and freedom necessary
to notice and then to adore God.
"Life is serious all the time, but living cannot be. You may have all the solemnity you wish in your
neckties, but in anything important (such as sex, death, and religion), you must have mirth or you
will have madness. " 1 -- G.K. Chesterton
CURIOUS custom in the Greek Orthodox tradition gathers believers on Easter Monday for the
purpose of trading jokes.2 Since the most extravagant "joke" of all took place on Easter Sunday-the
victory, against all odds, of Jesus over death-the community of the faithful enters into the spirit of the
season by sharing stories with unexpected endings, surprise flourishes, and a sense of humor. A
similar practice occurs among the Slavs, who recognize in the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth a joy
that it is Jesus who has the last laugh.
JESUS HAD A SENSE OF HUMOR
By Pastor Glenn Pease
A funny thing happened to Jesus on the way to heaven. He met people, and as we
all know, people are funny. Jesus was a real person as well, and he had a great sense
of humor. I am so sure of this that I wrote a poem about it.
Jesus had a sense of humor,
Of this truth there is no doubt.
It is based on more than rumor,
If we search we'll find it out.
His was a real human spirit,
And we know that this is true.
He was human, not just near it.
He could laugh like me and you.
He's the One who gave us laughter
And made funny things galore.
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