1. A man is talking to God.The man: "God, how long is a million years?"God: "To me, its about a minute."The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"God: "To me its a penny."The man: "God, may I have a penny?"God: "Wait a minute."
2. Bantas Moms LetterI am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. Im writing this letter slowly,because I know you cannot read fast. We dont live where we did when you left home. Yourdad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20miles.I wont be able to send the address as the last guy from our community who stayed here tookthe house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change theiraddress. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so thatour address will remain same too.This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode.Im not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and havent seen themsince.The weather here isnt too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3days and second time for 4 days.The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send inthe mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at thecemetery.By the way I took Bahu to our clubs poolside. The manager is really badmash. He told herthat two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which pieceshould we remove?Your sister had a baby this morning. I havent found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I dontknow whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought themoff bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his fathers last wishes. Hisfather had wished to be buried at sea after he died, and your friend died while in the process ofdigging a grave for his father.There isnt much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealedoff this letter.
3. Patient and DoctorJohn and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, Johnsuddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped inand saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital ashe is OK.Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news isthat we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses,since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now anormal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you havesaved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.David: Doctor, he didnt hang himself. I hung him there to dry."
4. God is Watching the ApplesThe children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At thehead of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the appletray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolatechip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
5. No Great LossBill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him anexample of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who livesnext door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.""No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killingeveryone inside...that would be a tragedy.""Im afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer."What?" asks Clinton, "Isnt there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carryingBill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy.""Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be atragedy?""Well," says the boy, "because it wouldnt be an accident, and it certainly would be no greatloss!"
6. Its Dark in HereA woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in thebedroom closet to watch. The womans husband also comes home. She putsher Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in therealready. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, itis." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "Thats nice." Boy - "Want to buyit?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dads outside." Man - "OK, how much?"Boy - "$250"In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are inthe closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "Ihave a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, lets gooutside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I cant, I sold mybaseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "Thats terrible to overcharge your friendslike that. That is way more than those two things cost. Im going to takeyou to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the fathermakes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Dont start that stuffagain, youre in my closet now."
7. Trouble with the carWIFE: "Theres trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? Thats ridiculous."WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."HUSBAND: "You dont even know what a carburettor is. Ill check it out.Wheres the car?"WIFE: "In the pool."
8. Little Bobby And GodLittle Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday wascoming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.Bobbys mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. LittleBobby, of course, thought he did. Bobbys mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behaviorover the last year.Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letterto God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.Letter 1Dear God,I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a redone.Your friend,BobbyBobby knew that this wasnt true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up theletter and started over.Letter 2Dear God,This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for mybirthday. Thank you.Your friend,BobbyBobby knew that this wasnt true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.Letter 3Dear God,I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
BobbyBobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.Letter 4God,I know I havent been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you justsend me a bike for my birthday.Please! Thank you,BobbyBobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby wasvery upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobbysmother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.Just be home in time for dinner, Bobbys mother told him.Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the churchand up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and pickedup a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, downthe street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down witha piece of paper and a pen.Bobby began to write his letter to God.Letter 5God,IVE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THEBIKE!!!!!!
9. Go To SchoolOne Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.MOM: “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.“SON: “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.“MOM: “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.“SON: “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.“MOM: “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.“SON: “Give me one good reason WHY I should go to school?“MOM: “You are the PRINCIPAL of the school“
10. Nine Words That Woman Would UseOftenThese are the nine words that a Woman would use often and the inherent meaning of all ofthese.1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need toshut up.2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only fiveminutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helpingaround the house.3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be onyour toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood bymen. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her timestanding here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning ofnothing.)6. That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you willpay for your mistake.7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.8. Whatever : Is a women’s way of saying Get Lost you Idiot!9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something thata woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later resultin a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3
11. Good byeA guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever hestopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just beforethe checkout where she turned to him and said:I hope I havent made you feel uncomfortable - its just that you look so much like my lateson.Oh, thats ok, he said.I know its silly, she continued, but if you called out Goodbye, Mother as I leave, it wouldmake me ever so happy. The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left thesupermarket, the man called out Goodbye Mother. The old lady waved back, and kindlysmiled.Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someones day the man went to pay for hisgroceries.Thatll be 105 dollars 35, said the clerk.How come? inquired the man. Ive only bought a few things!Yeah, but your mother said youd pay for her...
12. Airport SecurityI was scheduled to fly from Italy to Spain, where my husband was stationed in the military.As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.Has anyone given you any packages that you didnt pack yourself? he asked.I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.He looked at me very carefully and asked: Does she like you?