Dr. Mark Goulston, a former FBI negotiation trainer, gave a webinar on improving listening skills and getting through to people. He believes becoming a better listener is key to enhancing influence, persuasion, and negotiation abilities. Goulston discussed mirror neurons and how truly listening by putting oneself in another's shoes and making them feel understood can eliminate resistance. He provided tips for effective communication including talking with rather than at others, asking open-ended questions, and using pauses to get people to expand on their perspectives. Goulston also advocated for purposeful agendaless listening to understand others' perspectives without pushing one's own agenda.

1. September 12, 2013
Just Listen
How to get through to anyone – Tips from a former
FBI negotiation trainer
Mark Goulston

2. Moderator
2
Todd Lewis
Senior Campaign Manager
GoToAssist

3. 3
Text only questions
and comments

4. Follow Us
4
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@markgoulston
@supportindustry
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5. Give Away!
5
getAbstract – Just Listen

6. Presenter
6
Mark Goulston
Author
Just Listen – Discover the Secret to
Getting Through to Absolutely
Anyone

7. How to Get Through to Anyone
Tips From a Former FBI Negotiation Trainer
a Webinar with Dr. Mark Goulston
September 12, 2013 11 – 12:15 PM EDT

8. • Who Dr. Goulston works or has worked with:
8

9. Question:
I have never met a person whose
professional and personal life would
not be immediately and immeasurably
improved if they became a better
listener.
Do you agree?

10. Why you’re
here.

11. Improve getting
through to
people.
1

12. Enhance your
influence.
2

13. Better persuade
and negotiate.
3

14. Why you’re really here…
1. Rightly or wrongly you are judged by
your results.
2. You’re interested in getting better
results.
3. Achieving better results is dependent
upon not only what you do, but upon what
you get other people to do.
4. How you motivate others to do what
you’d like is directly tied to how effective
you are as a communicator.

15. Why you’re really here…
5. A big part of communication is how well you
listen.
6. You have enough humility to accept that you
could improve your listening skills.
7. Or someone has told you that you need to
improve them.
That’s why you’re here.

16. Why am I
here?

17. Why am I here?
Negotiator

18. The Persuasion Cycle™

19. • Why don’t THEY listen?
• Why don’t YOU listen?

20. • A Modem is a piece of computer hardware. It is
used to communicate between distant computers.
Two modems, one on each computer, are required
to make a connection, and each modem can send
and receive data to and from the other modem. The
term modem stands for modulator - demodulator.
• Modulation is changing the digital data in the
personal computer to analog data (audio tones or
sounds) so that it can be sent.
• Demodulation is changing the analog data (audio
tones) that is received over the telephone lines to
digital data to be used by the computer.
• Pieces of data are sent from one modem to another
modem at a set speed or rate. This rate is called the
baud rate. One baud is one bit per second.

21. Mirror Neurons
21

22. How Mirror Neurons Work
22

23. Mirror Neurons are Involved in
Learning
23

24. Mirror Neurons are Involved in
Empathy
24

25. Mirror Neurons Dysfunction
are Involved in Autism
25

26. The Mirror Neuron Gap
26

27. The Mirror Neuron Gap
What widens it?
27

28. And widens it even more.
1. Winning too much.
2. Add too much value.
3. Passing judgment.
4. Making destructive
comments.
5. Starting with NO, BUT,
HOWEVER.
6. Telling the world how smart
we are.

29. What Narrows the Mirror Neuron Gap?
Core Competencies of Effective Communication

30. Levels of talking.
4

31. 1.Talking Over
2.Talking At
3.Talking To
4.Talking With

32. And narrows it even more?
Core Competencies of Effective Communication

33. Levels of listening.
4

34. 1.Removed Listening
2.Reactive Listening
3.Responsible Listening
4.Receptive Listening

35. And narrows it even more?
Core Competencies of Effective Communication
• “Do YOU Get us”: Company Awareness
• “Do YOU Get it” : Situational Awareness
• “Do YOU Get me” : Personal Awareness

36. And narrows it most of all…
Feeling Felt
– Trying to persuade people causes resistance, because
they feel you pushing your agenda on them.
– Making someone “feel felt” simply means putting
yourself in the other person’s shoes.
– When you succeed, you can change the dynamics of a
relationship in a heartbeat.
– At that instant, instead of trying to get the better of
each other, you “get” each other and that
breakthrough can lead to cooperation, collaboration,
and effective communication.

37. Feeling Felt Eliminates the Mirror Neuron Gap.
“Hey dad, wanna have a catch?”

38. “You make me want to be a better
man!”

39. What is the sign that someone feels
receptively listened to and
“feels felt?”

40. They exhale

41. And what do they do after they
exhale?

42. They relax, and then…

43. They feel grateful to you.

44. Or may sleep with you.
44

45. Tips for getting
through
1. Talk with or at least talk to, but never talk at
or over
2. Get into their listening
3. Fill in the blanks
4. The Impossibility Question
5. The Power of Pause, “Hmmm…,” “Say more
about…”
6. Take your conversation to the ICU
7. The Meeting Surprise Pop Quiz

46. Stress Free Negotiation
• Replace “win/win” with “no lose/no lose”

47. Stress Free Negotiation
Become the champion and guardian of a deal or
agreement where each person will:
1. Feel okay immediately afterwards
2. Not be thrown under the bus by a second
guessing superior (a.k.a. either person getting
fired because of it is off the table)
3. Feel it was a fair and decent agreement one
month later

48. And Become a PAL
“The purest form of listening (and probably caring) is to listen
without memory or desire.”
Wilfred Bion, psychoanalyst (1897 – 1979)
•When you listen with memory, you’re listening with an old
agenda that you’re trying to plug someone into; when you listen
with desire, you’re listening with a new agenda that you’re trying
to plug them into. In neither case are you listening to their
agenda.
•To really get through to people, use Purposeful Agendaless
Listening (PAL). And your purpose is listening to serve vs.
listening to sell. When you do, what you trigger in others…

49. Dr. Mark
Goulston
Bestselling author, speaker, executive
coach
Today’s speaker

50. Other Resources
SmartBlog - “Who’s holding you hostage? Mastering Difficult
Conversations – http://bit.ly/175J5PJ
http://amzn.to/15SjYD2
Also be certain to check out the sequel to “Just Listen” :
http://amzn.to/19IIN1E
50
Be More Successful... Starting NOW! with
Heartfelt Leadership Programs
http://heartfeltleadership.com

51. 51
Mark Goulston
Author
www.markgoulston.com
@markgoulston
Todd Lewis
GoToAssist
www.gotoassist.com
@gotoassist

52. Give Away!
52
getAbstract – Just Listen

53. How’d we do?
Fill out the survey that opens after you leave the
webinar

54. Thank You!

55. Work better. Live better.