The document outlines steps for transforming conflict through understanding different perspectives and building agreement. It discusses 5 steps: 1) reflection and centering to understand each party's perspective, 2) setting a respectful tone, 3) sharing perspectives through active listening and clarifying assumptions, 4) building understanding by addressing issues and interests, and 5) reaching closure through mutually agreed upon solutions. The overall approach is to treat conflict as an opportunity for growth, respect each other's good intentions, and find creative solutions that address both parties' interests.

1. Conflict Transformation
understanding the difference
between healthy & unhealthy conflict

5. CONFLICT TRANSFORMATION:
A SUMMARY
Real freedom
is the ability to pause
between
a stimulus – and – a response
and in that pause,
choose.
Rolo May

6. STEPS IN CONFLICT TRANSFORMATION
Step 1 – Reflection and Centering
Step 2 – Setting the Tone
Step 3 – Sharing Perspectives
Step 4 – Building Understanding
Step 5 – Closure and Agreements

7. STEP 1 – REFLECTION AND CENTERING
• Both parties come together for dialogue
– Focus is on understanding/building trust, not argument/persuasion.
– Christ’s love for us (not our agreement) is the basis for Christian
community.
• Both parties step back & prayerfully reflect on the situation.
– When do I feel “pinched” in our relationship (what specific actions
result in what specific feelings)?
– Recognize that the other party may feel similarly “pinched.”
• Both parties prayerfully consider their own intentions,
interests, & hopes for the dialogue.
– Recognize that the other party also has good intentions.

8. STEP 2 – SETTING THE TONE
• Both parties come together in a neutral (perhaps sacred)
space, perhaps with a neutral third party.
• Both parties agree on what the topic of the dialogue is
about.
• Both parties prayerfully state their hope/intention for a
positive outcome.
• Both parties acknowledge the other’s good intentions.

9. STEP 3 – SHARING PERSPECTIVES
• Each party describes the situation, using “I messages.”
– “When you _[behavior]___, I feel _[feeling]_____.”
– “The meaning I take from our disagreement is _________________.”
– “What is at the heart of this for me is _______________.”
• Before responding, each party briefly paraphrases feelings &
facts heard, & asks for clarification.
– “What I hear you saying is _[paraphrase of what you heard]____.”
– “Am I understanding that clearly, the way you meant it?”
• Both parties acknowledge responsibility for conflict &
outcome.
• Each party specifically describes perspective of the situation.

10. STEP 4 – BUILDING UNDERSTANDING
(Addressing Multiple Issues)
• Parties list the issues still to be addressed, writing them
down in neutral language.
• Parties discuss one issue at a time. For each issue:
– check out assumptions (intent -> [a1] -> action -> [a2] -> effect)
– explore underlying interests.

11. STEP 5 – CLOSURE AND AGREEMENTS
• Parties mutually generate options for each issue.
• Parties creatively develop solutions that both can agree to.
• Parties summarize and clarify agreements.
• Parties determine the agreement details.

12. CONFLICT TRANSFORMATION TIPS
• Accept that conflicts are a natural part of life.
• Treat conflict as an opportunity for transformation.
• Respect each other at beloved children of God.
• Understand that your assumptions about others’ intentions
may be incorrect.
• Be aware of your initial reaction, own your feelings, share.
• Actively listen: hear, reflect, seek to understand.
• Discover common interests. Positions tend to clouded them.
• Be creative, chose your approach. In Christ all possibilities are
open & you always have a choice.