1. Being at Peace with Conflict:
Coming to terms with our “negative
otherness”
Edgardo Morales Ed.D
Paloma Sofia Torres-Davila Ph.D ( c )
November 17, 2012
2. Structure of our seminar
• Describe what has influenced our work with
conflict
• Introduce the concept of the “negative other”
and discuss how it relates to our view that we are
often “in conflict with conflict”
• Present an awareness practice to enhance our
sensitivity in our relationship to conflict.
• Discuss our work as therapists to illustrate how
we engage this “negative otherness” in ourselves,
as well as help clients relate to conflict and to
their “negative otherness”.
4. We begin with the “Negative Others”?
• Experiences, thoughts, emotions, ways of
relating, institutions that appear as an “enemy”.
• They don’t fit within our identity, ideals, values,
hopes, and plans.
• We see and relate to them as “foreign”, hostile,
and/or “out of control”.
• We demonized them.
• We act to eradicate, exterminate, medicate or
suppress them.
5. Conflict as a negative other
• We may be at conflict with certain thoughts,
emotions, sensations, as well as others.
• We may come to view conflict as if there is
something “not quite right” in us or in the
other.
• We may relate to being in conflict as a
“negative other” as a “foreign presence”, as
“not self”.
6. The Use of Exclutionary Practices
• When conflict becomes a “negative other”, we
relate to it through exclusionary practices.
– We make being in conflict, wrong.
– We may be fearful of it, we may condemn it and
strive to eliminate it.
– We alienate it, we refuse to listen to its voice.
– We seek peace by:
• striving to monitor, eliminate, or control conflict.
• escaping, fleeing, avoiding or pushing it away, or
grasping for harmony
7. When we are in conflict with conflict
• We may be caught between two forces:
– The urgent need to fix conflict, to make the
situation “right”.
– The admonishment to “not push it”, “slow down”,
to be “accepting” and “empathic”, to conform to
some ideal or norm of “good therapeutic
practice”.
• We become conflicted inside and impaired
relationally
8. Being in Conflict with Conflict
• Attempting to generate peace may be an
expression of a fundamental intolerance to
conflict.
• Paradoxically in seeking to end conflict, to be
at peace, we perpetuate the very conditions
or practices that foster it.
• Being in conflict with conflict is not peace, it’s
just more conflict.
9. Consequences of “being in conflict
with conflict”
• It subjects us to the “tyranny of the ideal”.
• Disconnects us from alternative voices and
perspectives
• It interferes with our relational flow and limits
our options in the “interactive moment” when
dealing with opposition.
10. Our assumptions about peace and
conflict
• We assume conflict is unavoidable
• Opposition and disconnection are part of life
• While some of the expressions of conflict may
be harmful, it is also a source of connection,
creativity, and aliveness.
• Conflict in itself is not necessarily a problem
but the way we relate to it, may make it so.
11. Key questions
• Can we relate to conflict from a different
relational stance?
• Can we position our relationship to conflict in
ways that don’t exclude and perpetuate the
conditions that engender intolerance,
estrangement, and violence on ourselves and
on others?
12. Being at peace with conflict can
be a by product of a particular
relational stance we call an
opponents practice.
13. Opponents practice
• It’s a stance that is founded in an embodied
relational presence
– We move our awareness towards that which we are
opposed to or in conflict with
– It is grounded in a felt sense that maintains us
relationally connected to the “other” and what is
arising in relationship
– It allows us to explore it, to be open to the diverse
voices and expressions that are in conflict
– It provides a relational space where multiplicity can
manifest, sensed and be heard
14. What does this mean in practice?
• We stay relationally connected to what is
going on inside and outside.
– This includes the moments when you realize “you
lost it”, you’re in tension, you’re “trying to push it”
or you “lost your relational connection”
• We begin to approach conflict, our “negative
otherness” with a sense of curiosity which is
not forced but is a product of a relational
stance.
15. What does this mean in practice?
• With our clients this curiosity may move us, into a
space of joint reflection and inquiry .
• We may foster conversations that focus on what
there is in common, what joins people together
• We ask and hear more inclusive questions and
become curious about alternative stories. (“is this
truly all there is, all that can be said about ….”)
• We may experience a greater openness to
vulnerability and a willingness to engage in
meaningful heartfelt conversations.
16. Generative Questions
• How do you foster “being at peace with
conflict”
• What happens in you experience and in your
work when it occurs? What changes? What
difference does it make?
