Use this .PPT to help you revise your RD 1 which is where you were told to just write, write, write, write, and write again into a much more polished and refined draft.

1. Developing Voice Excercise

2.  Choose ONE of the following topics:
A. Bullying
B. B. The Dentist
C. Homework
D. A Video Game you like OR dislike (one only)
E. A sports star or Hollywood start you like OR
dislike (only one)
F.
YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO DECIDE ON A
TOPIC AND THEN I’ll SAY GO AND YOU MUST
WRITE FOR FOUR MINUTES ON THAT TOPIC.
DON’T WORRY ABOUT ORGANIZATION ETC.

3. 

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I’m telling too much of my story. Do I need
everything in my essay that I am writing
about?
A. Everything should be moving your story
forward
B. Ask yourself…Do I really need to tell this
part of the story? Take it out and reread the
section again and see if it still makes sense. If
it does, then leave it out

4. 
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Ask yourself is ALMOST everything in my
story trying to show/evoke an emotion?
Am I including too much
background/exposition?
What can I delete that is not evoking enough
emotion?
***Remember not EVERY SENTENCE needs
to evoke emotion but every paragraph should
every five or six should.

5. Ask yourself…are the stories you are using as examples
clear, concise and relevant or am I using too much from a
story
 Try deleting some areas from your story and re-read that
section and see if it makes sense to you and still evokes
emotions
 ****Right now I want everyone to think of a different
story and write that story in place of your current story.
Did this story help evoke more emotion? Was it easier to
show and write? Was it clearer and more concise? If
so, leave it in. If not, leave the original in it
 ***REALIZE THIS TAKES TIME AND IS SOMETHING I
WOULD ALSO TRY AT HOME WITH ANOTHER STORY IN
YOUR ESSAY!


6. 
STEP ONE:USE AS MANY OF THE FIVE SENESE AS POSSIBLE.

READING YOUR BODY PARAGRAPHS DRAW OR WRITE THE WORD
EYE NEXT TO AN AREA WHERE YOUR STORY IS RELYING ON SIGHT

WHERE YOUR STORY IS RELYING TOO MUCH ON SMELL, DRAW OR
WRITE THE WORD NOSE.
WHERE YOUR STORY IS RELYING ON HEARING,DRAW OR WRITE
THE WORD EAR WHERE YOU STORY IS RELYING ON SOUND
 A TONGUE WHERE YOUR STORY IS RELYING ON TASTE
 AND A HAND WHERE YOUR STORY IS RELYING ON TOUCH!
 WHAT SENSES DO YOU NEED TO INCLUDE MORE? WHAT CAN YOU

CHANGE IN YOUR STORY TO INCLUDE MORE OF THESE SENSES??? THIS
IS DIFFICULT AND TAKES TIME AND READING YOUR ESSAY A MINIMUM OF
FIVE TIMES! DO THIS EVERY FIVE OR SIX SENTENCES!

7. USE SPECIFIC NOUNS WHERE APPROPRIATE
SO YOUR READERS KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!
 EG: I QUICKLY ARRIVED AT THE HOSPITAL?
(WHAT HOSPITAL)
 EG: WE ALL GOT INTO THE CAR TO ATTEND
THE FUNERAL (WHAT TYPE OF CAR…WHERE
WAS THE FUNERAL BEING HELD?)
 MY TEACHER YELLED AT ME(WHAT IS THE
NAME OF THE TEACHER?


8. 
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Only use it where it will enhance the reader’s imagination so we all
know exactly what you are talking about. IF IT IS NOT
NECESSARY, THEN DO NOT USE IT!
EG:WE ALL WATCHED THE PLANE TAKE OFF….DOES NOT NEED FIXED
EG: ME AND MY THREE FRIENDS WENT TO SOUTHLAND MALL.(DO
NOT NEED TO NAME ALL THREE FRIENDS
WE WALKED HOME AFTER WE GOT YELLED AT BY MARK’S MOM.(WE
DON’T NEED TO KNOW YOUR ADDRESS)
IF YOU ALREADY MENTIONED THE TYPE OF CAR YOU TOOK TO THE
FUNERAL, YOU DON’T NEED TO KEEP USING THE PROPER NOUN.
YOU CAN JUST SAY CAR.
EG: WE WENT TO MY MOM’S FUNERAL IN OUR CADILLAC ESCALADE.
AFTER THE FUNERAL WAS OVER WE ALL PILED BACK INTO THE
ESCALADE. ONCE WE ARRIVED BACK HOME WE ALL GOT OUT OF THE
ESCALADE. THE ESCALADE WAS SOLD THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE IT
BROUGH BACK TOO MANY MEMORIES OF MY MOM.
EG: WE WENT TO MY MOM’S FUNERAL, LOCATED AT ST. CLEMENT’S
CHURCH, IN OUR BLACK CADILLAC ESCALADE. AFTER THE FUNERAL
WA S OVER WE ALL PILED BACK INTO THE CAR. WE ALL GOT OUT OF
THE CAR. THE ESCALADE WAS SOLD THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE IT
BROUGHT OUT TOO MANY MEMORIES OF MY MOM.

9. USE STRONG SPECIFC VERBS. WORDS THAT
SHOW THE ACTION.
 DO NOT OVERUSE THE MAN NAMED
ISAMAREHAS WASWEREBE IS AM ARE HAS
WAS WERE BE
 EG: I AM GOING TO THE STORE TO BUY MILK
 EG: I DECIDED TO HEAD TO THE STORE TO
BUY MILK
 EG: I MADE THE CHOICE TO HEAD TO THE
STORE TO BUY MILK


10. 

SHE IS SO PRETTY
THERESA, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE
WORLD, WORKS AT MCHS!

IT ISN’T AS EASY AS SIMPLY TAKING OUT THE ISAMAREHAS
WASWEREBE AND REPLACING IT WITH A NEW WORD. YOU
MAY NEED TO REARRANGE THE ENTIRE SENTENCE!
SHE WAS WALKING TO THE STORE.
SHE JOGGED TO THE STORE.
**BOTH DON’T SOUND ANY BETTER!
DO NOT OVERUSE THE WORDS. IT IS FINE TO USE THEM, JUST
DON’T OVERUSE THEM.

11. 
USE DIALOGUE TO CAPTURE APPROPRIATE
CONVERSATIONS. THERE SHOULD BE QUITE A
FEW AREAS OF DIALOGUE USED THROUGHOUT
THE ESSAY.
EG: WHAT DID YOU TELL YOUR FRIEND WHEN YOU
LEARNED OF YOUR MOM’S DEATH? HOW DID SHE
RESPOND? USE DIALOGUE
 EG:MY MOM YELLED AT ME. I SCREAMED BACK AT
HER. INSTEAD USE DIALOGUE TO CAPTURE THE
CONVERSATION OF WHAT WAS SAID TO YOU AND
WHAT YOU SAID TO HER…EVOKE EMOTION


12. 
The doctor came out of the waiting room
and spoke to our family to tell us our
grandmother was very ill. Capture this
conversation. What did the Doctor say to
you? What did a person in your family say
to them? Who spoke next (involves a little
embellishment to evoke emotion)

13. 
Use similes and metaphors a minimum of
once per body paragraph.

Simile: A cloud floated in the sky like a flag
from the sky.
Simile: A Soul as white as heaven
Simile: His anxiety hung like a dark
impenetrable cloud
Simile: Her hands were as cold as ice

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

14. 
Metaphor: The typical teenage boy’s room is
a disaster area.

Metaphor: Kisses are the flowers of love in
bloom.

Metaphor: Sheila arrived a the store with an
army of children

15. Use sentence variety:
Step one: Underline seven sentences in a row
Step two: On the left side of your essay in the
margin number 1 to 7 going straight down
 Step Three: Go back to the first sentence you
underlined and count the number or words you
used in that sentence. Put that number next to
the number 1 in the margin. Do the same for the
next six sentences.
 Look for patterns. Your numbers should be fairly
different and not look like: 5, 6,4, 7, 8,5,9. It
should look like: 3, 13, 5, 9, 12, 8, 5

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16. 
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Use this PowerPoint to help you revise your
essay into RD 2.
RD 2 should be shorter
RD 2 should evoke more emotion
RD 2 should have a fairly developed voice and
style
RD 2 should be MUCH MUCH BETTER THAN RD
1.
It should take you a minimum of one hour to 90
minutes if you are truly putting in effort. (more
like 2 hours)