This document discusses the difference between attachment and relatedness in interpersonal relationships. Attachment in early childhood involves accommodating the mother's needs over one's own through suppression of feelings and hypervigilance. This can lead to splitting one's identity into a "fake" self that is expressed and a "not-me" self that is suppressed. Relatedness is a more mature achievement involving recognizing how one has been manipulated by others and being willing to express one's authentic needs. Relatedness is difficult but inspires intimacy, while attachment often involves using others to avoid knowing one's true self.

1. Interpersonal Transformation (Part II):
Attachment vs. Relatedness
February 15, 2014
James Tobin, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist, PSY 22074
220 Newport Center Drive, Suite 1
Newport Beach, CA 92660
949-338-4388
www.jamestobinphd.com

2. Attachment

3. Attachment
• The child has a basic need to survive.
• Survival depends on the getting from the
mother.
• This creates a very early scenario of the child
“attaching” to the mother, i.e., becoming reliant
and dependent on the mother.

4. Attachment consists of three
components:
• Accommodation
• Suppression
• Hypervigilance

5. Accommodation
The child learns to relinquish his or her
own needs and impulses (adjusts so as to
bond with mother) rather than expecting
or demanding the mother adjust in order
to bond with the child.

6. Suppression
• The child gradually begins to suppress or limit
his or her own feeling states and preferences,
for FEAR that their expression will damage the
child’s efforts to accommodate.
• Early in development, the child’s mind
assumes that TO BE ONE’S TRUE SELF will
negatively impact the other and lead to
retribution.

7. Hypervigilance
Depending on the mother’s temperament,
reactivity, and capacity to tolerate the
child, the child may become overly aware
of and sensitive to the non-verbal and
verbal expressions of the mother’s
emotional state.

8. Hypervigilance
If the mother’s emotional states tend to
be significantly extreme (either positive or
negative), the child becomes hypervigilant
of the mother rather than vigilant of the
child’s internal states.

9. The nature of the bond between mother and
child evolves into a dance in which
accommodation, suppression, and
hypervigilance are negotiated.

10. The dance is repeated again and again, and
becomes rigidified in the child’s personality.
An attachment style forms and becomes the
foundation of personality .... there are many
different types of attachment styles, but
research indicates these styles remain relatively
stable across the lifespan.

11. There are two basic trends in attachment styles;
these trends are core assumptions about
interpersonal relatedness.
(A) One trend is that it is safe for one’s self to be
experienced and expressed, even in the face of the
other’s disappointment or disapproval.

12. (B) The other trend is that the above is NOT safe,
and that one’s feelings and desires are
dangerous and damaging – given this, they must
be concealed and a fake self must be generated.

13. To the extent that (B) occurs, the child’s “going
on being” has been interrupted.
The child has been emotionally manipulated and
INDUCED to feel and behave in a restricted way
so as to appease the other.

14. Whatever is restricted in one’s identity does not
“die” psychologically, but remains sequestered in the
mind through a process known as dissociation.

15. Psychic Dissociation
Self-identity becomes split into “Me” and “Not-Me”
parts, and this split is organized by the third year of life.
The “Not-Me” part is not really NOT ME, but is actually
the ME that cannot be ME in the world.
The “Me” part is, paradoxically, fake or false, but is given
priority because it is necessary for the formation and
maintenance of relationships.

16. It can be argued that adult life revolves
around one major psychological
achievement:
Can the “Not-Me” be identified and, once
identified, can it overcome what is
assumed to be “Me” -- thus allowing
one’s self-identity to be re-organized and
more authentic?

17. As you might imagine, this is not the goal
for many people .... the reason why is that
Me vs. Not-Me corrections and
realignments are too painful and
challenging.
What I mean by this is that many of us
unconsciously choose to remain in an
ATTACHMENT LIFESTYLE.

18. An attachment lifestyle simply means that
we continue with our attachment style
(formed in early life) and impose it on all
situations in our lives.

19. Lying

20. Example: “That office is not me!”

21. Example: “The Bachelorette”

22. These are examples of RELATEDNESS, not
ATTACHMENT.
I view relatedness to be the most significant
psychological achievement of adult life .... it
basically involves the capacity to give up
one’s attachment style (accommodation,
suppression, and hypervigilance) --- allowing
for the sequestered parts of one’s identity
(the Not-Me) to be reclaimed!

23. Components of Relatedness:
• Recognize how you have been and are induced
by others, and the assumptions inherent in
these inductions (if you were made to feel guilty,
too demanding, selfish, etc.).
• Recognized how you are manipulated and used
by others.

24. Components of Relatedness:
• Be willing to give up your reliance on others’
approval and confirmation (“the capacity to be
alone”).
• Be willing to un-learn who you think you are
(the Not-Me).
• Identify and understand (perhaps for the first
time) what your needs are and be willing to
request them FROM OTHERS.

25. Relatedness is incredibly difficult to
achieve, particularly if our early
attachment patterns compromised the
basic elements of our “going on being.”

26. If you are attachment-dominant, this will be
quickly recognized by others (directly or via your
aura) and you will be used by them, for their
own advantage, at the expense of your own
needs.
If you are highly related, this will also be
recognized and you will be less prone to being
manipulated – YET, ALSO, who you really are
will be encouraged/expected.

27. Some believe that human relations primarily
consist of “false selves” clicking into situations
that allow them to remain false.

28. This tendency (to click into place) is often seen in
the therapeutic situation .... the patient vies for
attachment as the therapist attempts to socialize
the patient into relatedness.

29. Romantic relationships involve the same tension ....
Person A seeks out a Person B to attach to, with a well-
honed attachment style ready to use. Person B obliges.
In so doing, Person B perpetuates the lost parts of
Person A’s true identity remaining hidden and
inactivated.

30. You could blame Person B, but if you think
about it Person A is perhaps more to blame –
Person A has “used” (induced/manipulated)
Person B to help Person A remain UNKNOWN.
It takes an extraordinary Person B to not allow
this to happen, thus coaxing the lost parts of
Person A into existence.

31. Relatedness (instead of Attachment) inspires
separation, boundary, erotic tension, and
intimacy.

32. James Tobin, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
PSY 22074
220 Newport Center Drive,
Suite 1
Newport Beach, CA 92660
949-338-4388
Email: jt@jamestobinphd.com
Website: www.jamestobinphd.com