Attach to me if you can: How modern society disconnects us from our youth and what we must do about it
1.
2. Disclaimer
⢠This is a general discussion about mental health
⢠It is not to be interpreted as specific advice in a specific
situation
⢠Every situation is unique and requires advice to be tailored
and adapted to that situation
⢠If you are looking for advice about a specific situation or
child/youth with mental health issues, speak with a health
professional!
3. Learning Objectives
⢠By the end of this presentation, participants will
be aware that:
â Strong attachments/connections are necessary (but not
necessarily sufficient) for mental health and resiliency
â Modern society weakens attachments between
children/youth and adults, which contributes to mental
health and behavioural problems
â What we can do as parents, professionals and society to
(re)build our attachments with our children/youth
4. Britneyâs Story
â˘
â˘
â˘
Background
â 17-yo female who is having thoughts of
suicide
â Living with her mother; parents separated;
no contact with father
â Gr. 12 student
Current resources
â Seeing a therapist once weekly for 2-months
with no improvement
Symptoms
â Depressed for past few months
â Triggering stress
⢠Boyfriend (of past year) broke up with
her
5. Todayâs youth are strugglingâŚ
⢠Mental health issues (e.g. depression,
anxiety, suicide rates up 3-4X since
1960âs)
⢠Behaviour problems (e.g. bullying, drug
use) -- youth crime up 300% since the
60âs
⢠Narcissism and lack of empathy
(Twenge, 2011)
7. Q. Why do young children tend to be
happier than older children?
8. A. Young children are happy because if all
goes well, all their needs are met⌠Its
easier with young children!
Possible needsâŚ
⢠Hug?
⢠Reassurance?
⢠Food?
⢠Nap?
⢠Diaper change?
9. When you consistently meet a childâs needs
ď Emotional security
View of world: âWorld
is a safe place⌠I
can trust othersâŚâ
View of self: âI feel
better, thus I am
competentâŚâ
Ainsworth; Bowlby
10. Attachment is the single most important âresiliencyâ factor
for mental health
⢠Resiliency
â Ability to overcome adversity is known as âresiliencyâ
â Not everyone exposed to stresses develops
problems; many in fact, will thriveâŚ
â Secure attachments to caregivers and nurturing
adults are the most important source of resilience
(Bowlby, 1940; Ainsworth, 1979; Schore, 2001;
Neufeld, 2004)
11. Q. What happens to parent-child
attachments as children get older?
A. They often weakenâŚ.
Young child
Teenager
12. If our children/youth are turning away
from parents, to whom are they turning
instead?
13. Peers, technology, and material things
Peers
Child
Parent
Technology
and Things
Neufeld, 2005
14. Q. Why is it a problem for children/youth to turn to peers,
technology and material things as their primary
attachments?
15. A. Peers / things cannot meet your core
emotional needsâŚ
⢠Peers /things are conditional
⢠Friendships come and go / peers are still maturing and
changing / Your BFF one day can be your worst enemy the
nextâŚ
⢠Only parents are unconditional
⢠Only parents can reliably provide emotional support,
acceptance and validation
16. Normal vs abnormal peer orientationâŚ
⢠Some peer orientation is normal.
⢠Friends and social skills are good
⢠But when a teenâs mental health is
dependent on their peers, and
when a childâs moods and suicidal
ideation hinges upon relationships
with peers, then this is a
problemâŚ
17. Orchid children are particularly
vulnerableâŚ
⢠Most people are dandelions
⢠Able to take root and survive almost
anywhere.
⢠Some people are orchids
⢠More vulnerable than the dandelions
⢠Fragile and needing special care
⢠But capable of blooming spectacularly if
given that special care!
18. Britneyâs Story
My boyfriend was the only one who
understood meâŚ
Now that weâre not together
anymore, I feel so aloneâŚ
I have no one to talk toâŚ
19. Why do today's young
people turn away from
parents as they get
older?
20. Q. Back in the old days, what did kids learn
about parents from these shows?
23. Media helps push our kids away...
⢠Todayâs kids (either your kids or
your kidsâ peers) spend several
hours a day on average in front
of a TV, or other screens
⢠Media messages are that
⢠Parents are lame
⢠The secret to happiness and
success is having
friends, and turning to your
peers
25. Q. A child is playing ball with a parent. Who
is going to be more competent at it?
26. A. The parent and thus the child learns that
parents are competent and to look up to
parentsâŚ
In traditional societies, the young
learn from and thus respect their
elders⌠(But not so in modern
ones!)
Margaret Mead, 1956
28. Q. In todayâs technology
obsessed world, who is better
with modern technology, our
1) children or 2) parents?
29. A. Our children know more
about the technology than we
do, which makes them think
they are superiorâŚ
Boy, my
dad is
terrible!
Boy, I hate
these video
games!
30. Economic Factors: Housing costs 2-3X more than in the
1970s â 40% of Canadian couples divorce⌠thus both
parents work outside the home..
Q. So who are the kids hanging out with when both
parents are working outside the home?
Kershaw, 2012
31. From an early age, our children spend more time with
peers in daycare and school than they do with adults.
33. 2010 Kaiser Family Foundation Survey
⢠U.S. children/teens
⢠7 hr/day
⢠âEntertainment screens"
⢠Television, cell phones, hand-held games, iPads,
Internet games, Facebook and video games
⢠2-hrs/day
⢠Violent video games
37. Violence negatively affects childrenâs
brains
⢠Violent video games are harmful
â Research confirms numerous harmful effects of video games on
behaviour, mood, relationships, physical health, sleep
⢠Violence in media in general
â Children/youth are exposed to violence in
movies, televisions, popular culture
â All of this desensitizes us to violence and cruelty
American Academy of Paediatrics,
Media Policy Statement
38. Dangers of modern communication and
social media
⢠Potential for addiction
⢠Superficiality is not true
intimacy
⢠âI have 500 Facebook friends, but
I canât really talk to anyoneâ
⢠Promotes jealousy and
insecurity
⢠Cyberbullying
Dr. Gwenn O'Keeffe, 2011; Dr.
Sherry Turkle, MIT and TEDS Talk
43. How connected are you to your child?
⢠Do you and your child
ďą 1. Spend 1:1 time together?
ďą 2. Have things in common?
ďą 3. Prioritize each otherâs relationship over other
competing distractions and relationships?
ďą 4. Enjoy doing things and being helpful for each other?
ďą 5. Express affection to each other?
ďą 6. Does your child openly come to you to share how
s/he is feeling, e.g. for emotional support?
Adapted from Neufeldâs Modes of Attachment, 2005
44. Britneyâs Story
Yes, I do spend a lot of time with my
mom, but I canât talk to herâŚ
She worries too muchâŚ
She nags me and lectures meâŚ
45. Deep relationships are better than shallow
Deep relationship
* As should be with parents
Superficial, shallow relationships
* As is developmentally normal
with peers
47. Empathy and Validation
⢠Every one has the core need to feel loved and
accepted no matter what
â˘
â˘
â˘
â˘
No matter how they are feeling
No matter how successful/unsuccessful
No matter how good/bad
No matter how smart/dumb, etcâŚ..
⢠Parents can and need to be able to meet this need
better than a child/youthâs peers
49. For the men in the roomâŚ
⢠Your girlfriend/wife/female
friend tells you a problem she
is having with a co-worker at
workâŚ
⢠Q. Most of the time, what does
she want?
1) Your brilliant advice
2) Your listening, validation
and support
50. Listen for feelings, accept and validate
(Connection before Direction)
EMPATHIZE âI can see that youâre
feeling really sad about thisâŚâ
(giving supportive hug)
VALIDATE/ACCEPT âThatâs okay if
youâre feeling sadâŚâ
SOOTHE âWeâll get through thisâŚâ
âHow can I support you?â âDo you
want me to listen?â âOr do you
want some advice?â
51. Avoid advice, minimizing, invalidating
âYouâre feeling sad about that?
Come on, thereâs a lot worse
things than thatâŚ
Donât worry about itâŚ
Donât cryâŚ
Thereâs a lot of fish in the
seaâŚâ
âYou need to just get over
thisâŚâ
52. Crying is good because parents can then
provide comfort
⢠When your child is
upset, explore your childâs
feelings so that your child can
âgrieveâ about whatever the
stress is
⢠Crying with a parent is
therapeutic:
1) It helps your childâs brain
process the sadness
2) It helps your child see that s/he
can turn to you for support
53. Empathy and validation:
Connection before direction
⢠Its Monday after the weekend, and
you need a favor from a co-worker
⢠Q. Do you say
1) âI need you to do this for me
right now!â
2) âGood morning!â âHowâs it
going?â âHow was your
weekend?â âHow are the kids
doing?â
54. Other ways to connecting based on
Neufeldâs Modes of Attachment
55. Spend 1:1 time with your child
⪠Invite your child to spend 1:1
time with you
⪠Have âdatesâ
⪠1:1 time encourages deeper
communication and connection
⪠Example
⪠Car rides together (good)
⪠Going for a hot chocolate together
(better!)
⪠Warning sign is a youth that
doesnât want 1:1 with a parent
56. Connect through things in common
⢠We feel closer someone when
we are similar or have things in
common
⢠Find things in common with
your child, such as
â Interests and activitiesâŚ
â Shared memories
â Warning sign is a youth that
wants nothing in common with
parents
57. Prioritize your child
⢠When you are with your
child, show your child that you
value your attachment to your
child over your cell
phone, email, texting and other
distractionsâŚ
⢠Warning sign is a youth that
does not prioritize parent, or
vice versa
Cats in the Cradle,
Cat Stevens
58. Be helpful and useful to your child
⢠Counter the tendency in Western
society to encourage kids to be overly
independent and not need us
anymore
⢠You WANT your child to be
dependent on YOU
⢠You do not want your child to be
dependent on others, or turning
elsewhereâŚ
59. Be helpful and useful to your child
⢠Surprise your child every once in awhile by
doing things that your child should be able to
do on their own
â Driving them
â Helping when they are short on time
â Picking up stuff they need, etc.
⢠Warning sign is a youth that refuses help or
being dependent on parents
60. Express love and affection
⢠Harlowâs monkey experiments
showed that monkeys required
physical affection for development
⢠Children and youth need
affection, both physical and
emotional
⢠Warning sign is a youth that refuses
affection from parents
62. Q. Youâre just had a great date with
someone, and you want to see the other person
again⌠What do you say?
1) âI had a wonderful time.
Bye!â, or
2) âI had a wonderful time.
Want to get together on
the weekend?â
63. Whenever there is a separation, talk about the
next reunion
⢠If you as an adult would feel insecure about a lack of bridging,
then think how insecure a child would feel...!
⢠Children naturally feel more insecure because they are still
forming their primary attachments with caregiversâŚ
Neufeld, 2005
Adult
Child
64. Whenever there is a physical separation, talk about the next
reunion
⢠Before your child leaves for school
â Parent: âSee you after schoolâ âCanât wait until we go for our walk
later after schoolâ
â Text your child during the school day
â Give your child transition objects, e.g. notes in your childâs lunch box;
special jewelry or possessions
⢠Before parent leaves for an errand
â Parent: âSee you in an hourâ
⢠Before bedtime:
â âSee you in the morningâ âWhat do you want for breakfast?â
Neufeld, 2005
65. Whenever there is an emotional
separation, talk about the next reunion
⢠Parent:
â âI really canât let you talk to me that way. It is
unacceptable. You need to go to your room and cool
down.â (or, if that isnât going to happen, âI need to go to
my room and cool down.â
⢠Bridge the separation
â âLetâs get back together in 20 minutes if weâre both
calmer thenâ
â âI love you; weâll talk about this later and work it out.â
Neufeld, 2005
66. When there is a reunion, ensure there is a
greeting
⢠When the child wakes up in the morning
â âGood morning!â
⢠When child comes home after school
â âHello!â âGood to see you!â
â âI was thinking about you doing your presentation when I was at
work todayâ
⢠When parent sees child after a longer than usual absence
â âI missed you so muchâ âI was thinking about youâ âIt wasnât the
same with you goneâ
Neufeld, 2005
68. Attachment and Connection to our
Children/Youth
⢠Strong attachments (i.e. connections, relationships)
of children to nurturing adults is one of the strongest
foundations for mental health (i.e. resiliency factor)
⢠Unfortunately, many factors disconnect us from our
children/youth
⢠The good news is that there are strategies that you
can use to help strengthen your connection with
children
69. Call to Action for Parents
ďąSpend 1:1 with your child
ďąConnection before connection (by
listening, accepting, validating, and ideally avoid
giving advice or judgment)
ďąGive hope by bridging all separations
⪠Every time a parent leaves a child, whether physically or
emotionally, talk about the next reunion with the child
ďąUnplug and limit negative media messages
Neufeld, 2005; Hughes, 2009
70. Call to Action for Society
ďą Family friendly government policies
â Mandating businesses institute family friendly policies
â Quality childcare
â Postnatal not just prenatal classes
ďą Family friendly workplace policies
â On-site, in-house daycare
â Flex time, job sharing, temporary/permanent part-time, telecommuting,
mandatory parental leave, family medical leave, family health
benefits, childcareâŚ
ďą Family friendly media
â Culture/media that promotes parents as important
âAttach to me if you can: How modern society disconnects us from our youth and what we must do about itâ with Dr. Michael Cheng, Child and Family Psychiatrist, Childrenâs Hospital of Eastern Ontario.Todayâs children and youth grow up with modern luxuries that no previous generation had, yet despite everything they seem to be more vulnerable than ever to stresses such as depression, anxiety, suicide, self-injury and bullying. Learn how our modern society (with internet, email, instant messaging, and a peer and youth obsessed culture) makes it harder to be a parent these days by disconnecting our kids from us, and what we can and must do about it before itâs too lateâŚ
Image iStockPhoto Purchased by Michael Cheng
Image iStockPhoto Purchased by Michael Cheng
Image purchased from photos.com by Michael Cheng
Image purchased from photos.com by Michael Cheng
Image purchased from photos.com by Michael Cheng
Image purchased from photos.com by Michael Cheng
Image purchased from photos.com by Michael Cheng
Image purchased from photos.com by Michael ChengThey increasingly turn Away from PARENTS, and Towards PEERS and THINGS to meet their needs⌠This has always happened, but is to an extreme in our peer obsessed, materialistic, consumer society
Image â Purchased from iStockPhoto.com by Michael ChengIts okay to have friends if you retain strong connections with parentsBut if a child turns to peers as the primary attachment, what is the dangerâŚ?
Image â Purchased from iStockPhoto.com by Michael Cheng
Image â Purchased from iStockPhoto.com by Michael Cheng
Image â Purchased from iStockPhoto.com by Michael Cheng
Image â Purchased from iStockPhoto.com by Michael Cheng
Image â Purchased from iStockPhoto.com by Michael Cheng
Image â Purchased from iStockPhoto.com by Michael Cheng
Image â Purchased from iStockPhoto.com by Michael Cheng
Image â Purchased from iStockPhoto.com by Michael ChengCoyne et al.: Game On⌠Girls: Associations Between Co-playing Video Games and Adolescent Behavioral and Family Outcomes, Journal of Adolescent Health, Feb 3, 2011
Image â Purchased from Photos.com by Michael ChengKershawAfter controlling for inflation, household incomes for young families today are barely higher than they were in the mid 1970s, despite the spread of dual income households.  With stalled household incomes and less time at home, housing costs take up 2-3 times more family income than in the 1970s.Â
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