How to bring up children

1. Parenting
Sritha Sandon
Montfort College
Bangalore
Ages 3 to 12
“If your children
look up to you,
you’ve made a
success of life’s
biggest job.”
~ Unknown

2. About myself
• Sritha Sandon
• Assistant Professor and Coordinator, Department of
Psychology, Montfort College
• Teach lifespan development – development across
the life (among other subjects)
• Have two small children – 10y and 4y

3. TOP 5 Concerns
• On a board, let us write down our concerns and
questions about our children and our relationships
with them.
• Here are a few to get you started:
– My child does not study well
– My child does not listen to me
– My child does not eat properly
– My child watches too much TV…
• Now let us prioritize the top 5

5. DOMAINS OF
DEVELOPMENT
“Your children are not
your children, they come
through you, but they are
life itself, wanting to
express itself.”
~ Wayne Dyer

6. Developmental Domains
Physical
Cognitive
Socio-
emotional

7. The Physical Domain
• Height and weight gains
• Development of bones and muscles
• Development of internal organs
• Gains in speed
• Changes in motor skills
• Hormonal changes
• Health
• Immunity …

8. The Physical Domain
• Children need a regular routine
• Children need hygienic surroundings and
hygienic habits
• Children need nutritious food that is cooked
at home
• Children need at least 2 hours of physical
activity in the form of exercise and games
• Young children need about 10 hours
of sleep each night

9. The Cognitive Domain
• Perception
• Attention
• Memory
• Thinking
• Language
• Reasoning
• Problem solving
• Intelligence

10. Intelligence
The global
capacity to think
rationally, act
purposefully and
deal effectively
with one’s
environment

11. Intelligence

12. Multiple Intelligences

13. The NPC

14. Piaget’s Concepts
• Sensory Motor Stage – From birth till when the child
begins to talk, say 0 to about 2 years.
• Pre-operational Stage – From when the child begins
to talk till the child begins formal education, say
about 2 to about 6 or 7 years
• Stage of Concrete Operations – From formal
education to early adolescence, say 6 or 7 to 12 or 13
• Stage of Formal Operations – From 12 or 13 till 21 or
22

15. Pre-Ops
• Cannot think logically, in the adult sense of the word
• Vocabulary is expanded and developed
• Usually ‘ego centric’
• 'Animism'
• ‘Symbolism’
• 'Moral realism’

16. What can you expect from
Pre Ops
• They will grow up at their own
pace – give them time
• They still learn a lot through play
and doing things
• They enjoy humour
• They are very curious
• They cannot sit for long periods
and just listen/ write

17. Concrete Ops
• Thought is more operational – logical, not pragmatic
• Need manipulation to operate
• Conservation
• Can understand What-if scenarios
• Reversibility

18. What to expect from
Concrete Ops
• They will understand abstract concepts only if
you make them concrete
• They will learn best by doing, not just
thinking, watching, and talking
• They cannot be world-wise
• They can be taught to test hypotheses, still in
a concrete way
• They begin to look beyond the appearance

20. The Socio-emotional Domain
• Emotions
• Aggression
• Assertiveness
• Affection
• Intimacy/ closeness
• Parent-child relationships

21. Erikson’s Concepts
Age Stage Conflict
(Virtue)
Favourable
Outcome
Unfavourabl
e Outcome
0-18m Infancy Basic trust
v/s mistrust
Hope,
ability to
tolerate
frustration,
ability to
delay
gratification
Suspicion,
withdrawal
Trust develops out of constant, reliable care from a person who is
ready and able to provide it (the caregiver)

22. Erikson’s Concepts
Age Stage Conflict
(Virtue)
Favourable
Outcome
Unfavourabl
e Outcome
18m-3y Early
Childhood
Autonomy
v/s shame
and doubt
Will, self-
control,
self-esteem
Compulsion,
impulsivity
Autonomy develops when toddlers are allowed autonomy in matters
they can handle and also gently protected from excesses.

23. Erikson’s Concepts
Age Stage Conflict
(Virtue)
Favourable
Outcome
Unfavourabl
e Outcome
3y – 6y Play age
(preschoo
l)
Initiative v/s
guilt
Purpose,
enjoyment
of
accomplish
ments
Inhibition
Initiative develops with parental understanding of a child’s
individuality. Harsh parenting can lead to an overdeveloped harsh
conscience and plague a child with guilt. Initiative adds to
autonomy, the quality of understanding, planning, and attacking a
task for the sake of being active.

24. Erikson’s Concepts
Age Stage Conflict
(Virtue)
Favourable
Outcome
Unfavourabl
e Outcome
6y – 11y School
age
Industry v/s
Inferiority
Competence
and
enjoyment
of
accomplish
ment
Inadequacy,
inferiority
Industry develops when children are praised for accomplishments and
encouraged to try new things. It fosters the desire to learn skills that
prepare children for adult roles.

25. Socio-emotional Domain
• Praise loudly, chide softly
• Praise in public, chide in private
• Boost your child’s self esteem
whenever possible
• Do not be verbally abusive
• Hug, kiss, show affection openly and often
• Be specific in feedback, don’t generalize wrongs

26. Attachment Needs
My child loves me, need me,
yet works independently.
My child never seems need
me, and prefers to work
without me
My child is very clingy and
does not let me work by
myself, but when I want to
spend time with him/ her,
he/she prefers not to have me
around
My child seems afraid of me
Mary Ainsworth

27. Attachment Demands
I have found time for my
child… to develop skills in my
child to be able to work
independently; my child feels
loved and cared for
I have not had enough time
with my child and my child
feels rejected and neglected.
have not been consistent in
my care towards my child… I
have at times been available
and at times not available
when my child needed me; my
child does not know what to
expect from me
I have abused and/ or
neglected my child

28. Discussion
• How Do I parent my child?
• Who is a more important parent?
• How involved should I be in my child’s growth
and development?
• How do I find time?

29. HOW DO I PARENT MY CHILD?

30. Parenting: Myths and Facts
• It is wrong to expect obedience from children.
• It is ridiculous to think children should be
seen, not heard.
• It is best to let children do what they want.
• Being too strict with children is emotionally
damaging.
• It is never okay to spank your children.

31. Parenting: Myths and Facts
• Children respond better to talking than
spanking.
• If you love your children, you will not spank
them.
• It does not matter if a child’s room is clean.
• Parents should let their children play and have
fun in the house.
• A good parent has well-behaved children.

32. Parenting: Myths and Facts
• Frequent physical punishment is an ineffective
parenting tool.
• It is better to be a disciplinarian than a friend
to children.
• It is better to be permissive than strict with
children.
• Being carefree is more important than being
obedient.

33. Parenting: Myths and Facts
• Children should feel free to ask “why” when
being disciplined.
• It is not necessary for children to fear you to
respect you.
• Time-out is better than spanking.
• It is important to talk to children about
misbehaviour and punishment.
• Being strict is worse than being permissive.
• Children should not be required to do chores.

34. Meaning
Accepting,
responsive
Rejecting,
unresponsive
Demanding,
controlling AUTHORITATIVE AUTHORITARIAN
Undemanding,
uncontrolling INDULGENT NEGLECTFUL
Baumrind

35. GOOD PARENTING
“If you raise your children to feel
that they can accomplish any
goal or task they decide upon,
you will have succeeded as a
parent and you will have given
your children the greatest of all
blessings.”
~ Brian Tracy

36. WHO IS MORE
IMPORTANT?

37. Discussion
• What do we mean by important…
– meeting the child’s needs
– Spending time with the child?
• Who should meet the child’s needs?
• Who should spend time with the child?

38. …Fathers as caregivers…
• According to experts, involved
fathers create an advantage
for children in three
important ways:
– In how they play
– In how they interact
– In how they teach

39. HOW INVOLVED
SHOULD I BE?
Love me the most
when I deserve it
the least, that’s
when I need it the
most
~ Unknown

40. Parenting Don’ts
• Don’t live your life through your child –
Narcissistic parenting
• Don’t cover up your child’s mistakes or blame
it on others – Helicopter parenting
• Don’t hit, beat, shout, scream… at your child –
Authoritarian parenting
• Don’t ignore a child’s need or request
repeatedly (once in a way is okay, but lesser
the better)

41. Parenting Don’ts
• Don’t overindulge and give your child
everything he/she asks for – Permissive
parenting
• Don’t bribe your child for good behaviour –
Indulgent parenting
• Don’t confuse the child by expecting different
things at different times – Insecure
attachment parenting

42. Parenting Don’ts
• Don’t think you can buy affection or respect –
Indulgent parenting
• Don’t do your child’s work for
him/her – Over parenting
• Don’t neglect the child’s needs - Neglectful
parenting
• Don’t show love only for good
behaviour – Conditional parenting

43. Parenting Do’s
• Expect discipline, don’t beg, coerce,
bribe or praise the child to do what is
expected – authoritative parenting
• Empower your children with self esteem and
unconditional support – attachment parenting
• Support the children in their needs and their
interests – nurturant parenting
• Help them through practice and guidance
rather than just teaching them – slow parenting

44. Parenting Do’s
• Build attachment with your child – more than
anything a child needs the trust and security
in his/her parents – attachment parenting
• Love the child – no matter what he/she does
or is – UNCONDITIONALLY – the child needs to
be valued no matter what – unconditional
parenting
• Praise the child and the accomplishment –
chide only the behaviour, not the child –
conscious parenting

45. Parenting Do’s
• Respect each child's individuality and create
the space for each child to develop his or her
own beliefs based on his or her unique
personality and individual potentials – spiritual
parenting
• Step back and allow children to explore and
take certain risks so that they get to know
themselves, their abilities and limits better –
nurturant parenting

46. Parenting Do’s
• Balance high behaviour control (demand)
with high warmth and affection – authoritative
parenting
• Encourage independent thinking and freedom
of choice – authoritative parenting
• Emphasize that each child is unique and you
love the child because of that – nurturant
parenting
• Always put the child ahead of the problem –
attachment parenting

47. HOW TO
FIND TIME?

48. Discussion
• How much time is needed?
• Why is it important?
• What are my priorities?
• When do I find this time?

49. REMEMBER
• There is no other option
• You are the only two responsible for your
child’s entire life
• What you do will affect your child in every
possible way
• You and you alone need to spend time with
your child… show him/ her you care… be
there for him/ her… no one else will!

50. TO WIND UP

51. Who is a good parent
• Cares
• Shows love
• Involved
• Supports
• Sets expectations
• Follows through
• Is not punitive

52. And…
• Remember, If you
take care of yourself
first, emotionally,
physically, financially;
then you will be able
to take care of your
children more
effectively!

53. THANK YOU
“They may
forget what you
said
but they will
never forget how
you made them
feel.”
~ Carol Buchner

54. “If I had my had my child to raise over again:
I’d build self-esteem first and the house later
I’d finger paint more and point the finger less
I would do less correcting and more connecting
I’d take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes
I would care to know less and know to care more
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites
I’d stop playing serious and seriously play
I would run through more fields and gaze at more
stars
I’d do more hugging and less tugging
I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often
I would be firm less often and affirm much more
I’d model less about the love of power
And more about the power of love.”
~ Diane Loomans