3. Outline of Workshop
How to Connect and Raise Confident Teens –
Become the Parent Your Kids Need You to Be
Session 1
What do they do when you’re not around?
Whose values are shaping their decisions?
Learn how to help your children realize their dreams
Discover a simple yet powerful communication technique that will
help your children find their own solutions to tough problems.
Session 2
Learn how to evaluate your children’s strengths & accompanying
weaknesses and how to shape their unique personalities.
Find out how the teenage years can be the best years ever
Cope with the emotional roller coaster of puberty
How to deal w Feelings, Thoughts & Responses to Teen's Behavior
Helping Your Teen Develop Self Esteem and Confidence
Empowering Teens to Be Responsible for Their Behavior
4. What you need to know before
it’s too late!
Session 1
Teen years - Period of self-doubt, personality is often
assaulted and endangered beyond repair
What Kids wish parents knew
about parenting
5. What do they do when you are not around?
POTENTIAL DANGER!
Children Internet Pornography Statistics
Access to pornography is available from early on.
The average age of a child’s first exposure to pornography is 11.
A total of 90 percent of children ages 8-16 have viewed pornography online.
Pornographers use many character names that appeal to children such as “Pokemon.”
Children Internet Pornography Statistics
Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography 11 years old
Largest consumer of Internet pornography 35 - 49 age group
15-17 year olds having multiple hard-core exposures 80%
8-16 year olds having viewed porn online 90%
(most while doing homework)
7-17 year olds who would freely give out home address 29%
7-17 year olds who would freely give out email address 14%
Children's character names linked to thousands of porn links 26 (Including
Pokemon and Action Man)
6. USA Today, Seventeen Magazine, Source magazine alarming statistics…..
Teen drinkers 1 in 10 alcoholic. 3 to 5 of the 9 have serious drinking
problem
Of all 14 yrs old girls 40% will become pregnant by 19 yrs old
60% of all church involved teens are sexually involved.
84% of all teen boys believe that premarital sex is acceptable.
500,000 teenage girls in America have abortions every year.
Every 78 seconds a teenager attempts suicide in America
67% of America’s 9th graders admit to lying to parent in last 12 mths
What do they do when you are not around?
MIND – The only part of your child’s body that keeps growing his/her whole life.
A way of thinking and feeling determined by what he/or she sees and hears.
CHILDREN become what they think about. ..and they think about what they see and hear.
They become what they are exposed to, what they fill their minds with.
7. • 95% BOYS said Dad said “I love you”. 79% said > 1 X wkly, 62% said it daily
•98% girls said Mom regularly said “I am proud of you” or “You’re doing a great
job”
•91% kids said parents play games with them
•94% said Dad attend their athletic events
•100% said get hugs from Mom; 97% boys said get from Dad
•100% girls remembered Mom read stories. 85% boys recalled Dad read stories
•89% boys said Dad taken them fishing
•100% girls said parents taken them to Sunday School
•62% of camp kids never drink
•87% of camp kids are virgins
•85% camp kids believe sex is OK only in marriage.
LET YOUR KIDS BE YOUR BEST RECRUIT - ARE YOU CONSUMED WITH YOUR
JOB?
Whose values are shaping their decisions?
YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!
8. Learn how to help your children realize their dreams
Is there life after television?
Lets come us with a list………..
Lord Make Me Creative!
Family Fun Ideas
Family Goal Setting
• Have regular family devotions
•Pray together regularly as a family, apart from mealtimes
•Memorize scriptures together
•Cause you were there
REMEMBER: HANDS BUILD A HOUSE, HEARTS BUILD A HOME
9. •Unconditional Listening, unconditional Love
•Why suicide..isolation big red flag
•Are you judgmental, critical, unforgiving?
Remember-does God say “Hey, change and measure
up to my standards, and then I’ll love you?”.
Learn how to help your children realize their dreams
10. 1. Say “I love you” every day, both in words and actions. (Builds confidence)
2. Say “You’re very valuable to God and to me” every day, both in words and actions. (Builds
confidence)
3. Regularly,, offer loads of encouragement, focusing especially on areas of heart and
character development rather than physical appearance, ability etc. (Builds security)
4. Memorize Scripture verses together and review and discuss them every day ( conf + Hum)
5.Go to God in prayer together every day. (Builds confidence + Humility)
6. When you sin, hurt, or offend, ask for both God’s forgiveness and the child’s. (humility)
7. Consistently and with joy, serve and submit to your spouse & children (Security)
8. Regularly in both words and actions, communicate your commitment to your spouse &
children ( Security)
9. When punishment is required, punish the sin but love the children (security)
10. By both example and instruction, teach your children to talk positively about themselves
and others. (confidence)
11. Provide your children with continual opportunities for success experiences (confidence)
Learn how to help your children realize their dreams
Healthy self-image= balance of confidence+ Humility +Security
11. 1. Being too proud to say “I’m sorry”
2. Being too proud to submit to and serve another.
3. Finding humor in making cutting remarks to a child or using such
remarks when correcting or disciplining.
4. Offering encouragement only for such externals as looks,
clothing, hair style, and athletic skills.
5. Comparing their own successes with a child’s failures.
6. Letting a child “get away” with disobedience or ungratefulness.
7. Laughing at a child’s failures.
8. Letting children have their way when their motives are wrong.
9. Punishing too harshly.
10. Making behavior demands of children that are inconsistent with
their own example.
SIMPLEBUT THEY ARETIME CONSUMING. HEREISHOW PARENTS RIP APARTACHILD
12. A child with a healthy self-image is one who ….
•Understands her secure position in Christ
•Finds great favor in her parents’ eyes.
•Realizes the importance of obedience, integrity, and honor.
•Is given opportunities for success experiences.
If a child lives with criticism, she learns to condemn.
If a child lives with tolerance, she learns to be patient
If a child lives with security, she learns to have faith.
If a child lives with fairness, she learns justice.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
A Healthy Self-Image
13. 1. Don’t Deny Their Dreams
2. Don’t Get In The Way
3. Set a Good Example
4. Help Them Take Action
• Have Them Write Down Their Dream.
• Research Their Dream.
• Make A Timeline For Achievement.
• Develop a Plan of Action.
• Focus, Intensity, and Perseverance.
• Play Games.
5. Show Your Support
HELP THEM DREAM, HELP THEM BUILD
Anyone can count the seeds in an apple, but only God can count the apples in a seed.
It’s not to fear that a child’s life ends in early death….
………. but that it never really begins
14. 1. Tell your children you are proud of them.
2. Listen to your children and express interest in
those things they care about.
3. Help your children understand who they are
and what makes them special.
4. Recognize that your children are unique and
that their career paths will be unique.
5. Be involved in school activities and support
school work because education is important.
Ten ways you can support your child's future
to nurture and to motivate, to clarify and to connect, to challenge into realizing their dreams.
15. 6. Set a good example of school and work attitudes
and behaviors.
7. Use everyday life activities to provide opportunities
for your children to develop important life and
work skills.
8. Encourage your children to make the most of
career-related learning activities in school and the
community.
9. Believe that education after high school is possible
and important for your children.
10. Have high expectations.
Connect to the real world...
Let their dreams create purpose and purpose fashion their goals.
Challenge your children to reach for those goals and help them navigate the barriers.
16.
17.
18. Breakout Group Discussion
How Can You Encourage your children?
1.What specific things can you do to make them feel good about
themselves?
2. What are some of the dangers to avoid as parents that can
discourage them?
3. What do you think are the positive things you can do that they
will remember the most?
4. What special things can you do to strengthen your relationship
with your teen?
19. Marks of a Lifestyle –
True discipline is a lifestyle – to live by constantly and relentlessly
1. The sooner in the child’s life you begin, the easier it is.
2. Mom and Dad can discuss their separate ideas on discipline behind closed
doors, but in front of kids, they should be of one mind, always supporting
each other in discipline decisions.
3. If the rod is spared the child is spoiled, but if it used wrong place, wrong
motive or wrong timing the child will rebel at it every time.
4. Be careful about threats. If you warn a child to expect a certain kind of
punishment, always follow through completely.
5. When a child breaks a rule, something corrective always need to happen.
6. If respect is demanded in every conversation at home, heavy discipline will
be required less frequently.
7. Every corrective action should be encircled by ten expressions of positive
encouragement.
8. Disciplining should always be both preceded and followed by expressions of
love and support
9. A child must be taught to cry softly and never allowed to scream in
rebellion
10. Never give up on a child
20. Helping Your Teen Develop Self Esteem and Confidence
Encouraging Your Teen
1. Encourage your teen
2. Listen to your teen
3. Be affectionate
4. Spend time with your teen
5. Show respect for your teen’s ideas and opinions
6. Involve your teen in establishing rules and consequences
7. Problem solve with your teen
8. Communicate respectfully
9. Allow your teen to solve some of his/her own problems
10. Encourage special interests
11. Let your teen know he/she is capable
12. Let your teen know he/she is worthy of love just for who
he/she is not related to behavior
13. When there is a problem-causing behavior, focus on the
behavior, not the person
21. Always Avoid
•Criticism
•Put-downs
•Name calling
•Comparing
•Humiliating
•Making fun of them
•Negative forecasts
(for example, "you'll never make it to college," "you'll never
get a job," "you'll end up on the streets").
Encouraging Your Teen
There are two kinds of encouragement:
•Encouragement for behavior
•Encouragement of the person
22. Identifying Red Flags in Your Teen
Paying attention to warning signs that your teen is headed
toward abusive behavior will help you know when to separate
and avoid the escalation of his or her behavior
How do you know when your teen is headed toward becoming
abusive (verbally abusive, physically violent, destroying property)?
Some examples are:
Body signs: facial expressions, moving closer to you, pacing, agitated
movements, red face.
Verbal signs: raised voice; pressured voice; starting to put you down,
criticize, swear, name call.
Actions: slamming doors, cupboards.
When you see warning signs in your teen, make the decision to
separate: Time Out– u/teen
23. Feelings, Thoughts and Responses to
My Teen's Behavior
My Teen's Abusive Behavior What I Felt/Thought How I Responded
Think of some times when your teen was abusive to you. Describe how you
felt, what you thought, and how you responded to your teen.
Table 1.
Changing Your Own Thinking
The way you think about a situation influences how you respond to it. You
can change the way you respond
to a situation by changing the way you think about it.
Negative thinking is often in one of the following categories:
•Negative thoughts about the other person (criticism, put-downs)
•Negative thoughts about yourself (self-blame, "shoulds," self-criticism)
24. Here are some examples – SEE WORKSHEET
Negative Thinking Realistic Thinking
This is my fault. I am not a good parent.
My teen is responsible for her own behavior. I am
doing everything I can.
There is nothing I can do. I've tried everything.
There are some things I can do. I can separate from
him when he is abusive, and I can get help.
He's lazy and self-centered.
He's not motivated to do things he doesn't care
about (like a lot of teens). An incentive or
consequence might motivate him.
I have to make her change her behavior.
I can try to help her make good choices, but it is up
to her to make the decision.
He's trying to manipulate me into doing what he
wants.
He is using behaviors he knows to get his way. I can
teach him other ways to communicate with me
about what he wants.
I should be able to control her.
I can influence her decisions about her behavior
with rules, incentives and consequences. She is in
charge of her behavior.
Changing My Thinking
Below, write down negative thoughts you have when you are in conflict with
your teen. Then change your negative thinking into more realistic thoughts that
will help you handle the situation in a more effective way.
Negative Thinking Realistic Thinking
25. Here are some ways you can encourage
positive change in your teen's behavior
1. Notice your teen's effort
2. Talk about the specific behavior you are encouraging in your teen
3. Help your teen recognize and express his or her own feelings of
accomplishment
4. Recognize your teen's efforts and improvements during the group at
check
Encouragement of the person is:
• Giving your child positive messages about who he or she is as a person,
separate from his or her behavior.
• Communicating love, appreciation, humor, and that you care about your
child. It is a smile, a pat, a hug, or doing something you both enjoy
together.
• Letting your child know what you like about his or her personality.
• Not contingent on the teen's behavior or about his or her behavior.
• Teens should be given encouragement as people on a regular basis,
regardless of their behavior.
Take-Home Activity A. Encouraging My Teen
26. Here are a few ways to build a
relationship with your teen
1. Love and accept your teen where she is - Our teens live
in a social mine field every day.
2. Stop nagging - exact opposite.
3. Keep the wheels on the wagon - What’s a positive thing
your child is involved with? How can you keep the wheels
on his wagon and keep it rolling down the street to his
future?
4. Maximize technology appropriately -The key is don’t
overuse it
5. Be available -Your presence gives them security, stability,
and comfort. It tells our kids “You’re important to me. I’m
here for you.”
27. Strengths, Challenges, and Changes
One of my strengths as a parent is:
___________________________________________
The biggest challenge for me as a parent is:
__________________________________
One positive change I would like to make is:
__________________________________
28. Empowering Teens to Be Responsible
for Their Behavior
Goals
• To identify parent responsibilities and teen
responsibilities
• To learn ways to help teens take responsibility
for their behavior
• To identify ways that teens are affected when
parents take responsibility for their them
• To identify ways teens feel when they take
responsibility for themselves
29. Discussion: Who Is Responsible for What?
1. What are you responsible for in your relationship with your teen?
2. What is your teen responsible for?
3. How do parents take too much responsibility in their relationships
with their teens?
4. How does this affect teens?
5. How does this affect parents?
6. How does it affect the relationship between teen and parent?
Empowering Teens to Be Responsible for Their Behavior
When we take responsibility for other people's behavior we typically
do one of two things:
Try to control them- Try to make them do something by using threats,
manipulation, force, or emotional coercion (guilt).
Try to rescue them-Do things for them to save them from facing
consequences of their behavior; fixing problems that are a result of
their behavior.
30. Instead of controlling or rescuing, it's more helpful to
empower
the person to be responsible for his or her own behavior.
Invite the person to think for himself or herself about
how to solve a problem.
Allow the person to take action to solve the problem.
Allow the person to make the choice to not take
action.
Allow the person to experience the consequences of
his or her choice.
31. Caring and firm means:
Caring
Letting the person know that you care about him or her and love him or
her, regardless of the problem or the choice he or she makes.
Talking in a way that is not demeaning, sarcastic, or critical.
Telling the person you believe he or she is capable of solving the
problem.
Letting the person know that he or she can ask for help in making his or
her plan to solve the problem.
Firm
Letting the person know that you are giving him or her the responsibility
to take action to solve the problem. You will not do it for him or her.
Letting the person know that he or she is in charge of the choice and the
consequence.
Allowing the person to face consequences without rescuing him or her.
Being clear about your expectations. Holding to what you say.
Instead of being caring and firm, parents are often caring and rescuing,
angry and firm, or angry and rescuing.
32. Here are examples of each:
Brian takes the bus to school every morning. He has been getting in the habit of oversleeping and
missing the bus. The school is within biking or skateboarding distance and there is a city bus. This
morning Brian woke up late again and had five minutes to get to school. He asked his mom to call
school to tell them he would be late and then give him a ride to school. His mom said:
Caring and rescuing: "All right honey. Hurry up. I really need to start waking you up in the
morning. You go right back to sleep after you turn off your alarm and before you know it you're
late."
Angry and firm: "Forget it! I've had it with you, Brian! You are so lazy and irresponsible. It is not
my problem if you get up too late. You're on your own. You expect everyone else to save you
from your stupid mistakes. Well I'm through. I'm not doing it anymore. Figure out your own way
to school."
Angry and rescuing: "You're late again! This is the third time this week! Do you know what an
alarm is for? You are unbelievable. You're not going to make it past the ninth grade. Now get out
to the car, and step on it, while I call the school, again!"
Caring and firm: "Brian, you're going to need to solve this problem on your own. I know you have
options for how to get to school on your own, and you can figure it out. You are also capable of
calling the school to let them know you overslept. If you want help making a plan so this doesn't
keep happening, let me know. Have a good day at school. See you this afternoon."
The second part to caring and firm is how the parent responds when Brian makes a choice about
his behavior. If he acts on solving the problem himself-calls school and gets himself there-Mom
can later say, "I like the way you took care of that yourself." Or, if he goes back to bed, Mom can
decide to not say or do anything and let him face the consequence of an unexcused absence from
school.
33. Giving My Teen Responsibility
What is my teen able to do without my help?
_______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
In what ways does my teen show responsibility?
_______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
In what areas does my teen still need support and guidance?
_______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
In what ways am I continuing to take on more responsibility for my teen than he/she needs?
_______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
How does this affect my teen?
_______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
How does this affect our relationship?
_______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
What are some ways I can give my teen more responsibility?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
________________
34.
35. "Every Mother's Dream" - A new
Mother Daughter wedding song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBjcCk-uIZQ
