The document summarizes research by John Gottman identifying four behaviors - termed "The Four Horsemen" - that are warning signs of a failing relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It provides descriptions and examples of each behavior. Criticism involves blaming the other's personality rather than a specific action. Contempt includes insults, hostile humor, and mockery intended to hurt the other psychologically. Defensiveness refers to denying responsibility, making excuses, or counter-complaining in response to criticism. Stonewalling is psychologically withdrawing from a discussion by remaining silent. The more these behaviors are present in a relationship, the more negative and tense the relationship tends to become over time.

1. The Four Horsemen
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Boss Version Adapted from the work of John Gottman, (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 1994, Fireside) by R.A. Orr, 2004
The Four Horsemen
John Gottman, Ph.D. has spent 20 years observing the behaviors of people in long term
relationships. He has identified a set of specific behaviors and attitudes that predict how
stable a relationship will be over time.
Dr. Gottman has established that behaviors associated with four attitudes are clear warning
signs that a relationship is setting itself up for failure. These “Four Horsemen,” as he calls
them, are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The least dangerous of
these is stonewalling, while the most dangerous is contempt. He explains that as the
behaviors become more and more ingrained in the nature of the relationship, the two
people tend to pay attention to the increasing sense of negativity and tension in the
relationship.
Criticism
On the surface, there may not seem to be much difference between complaining and
criticizing. But criticism involves attacking someone’s personality or character – rather
than a specific behavior—usually with blame. A complaint, on the other hand, is a specific
statement of concern, displeasure, distress, or other negativity. For example:
Criticism:
Sarah, I know you are hypersensitive about criticism, but you’re just not doing your
best when you give presentations. You have a tendency to do things without
preparing much. And to be honest, I feel embarrassed when customers have to ask
so many questions.
Complaint:
Sarah, I’d like to speak to you about the customer presentation you delivered this
morning. It seemed as if you did not anticipate the kinds of information that they
might want to hear about, and as a result, we spent so much time answering their
questions that we lost our opportunity to introduce them to the CEO.
Since it is unrealistic in any relationship that people could completely avoid criticism, we
have to recognize that the first horseman is always present and ready to cause trouble.
One of the problems is that the difference between the two types of feedback is subtle, but
the reaction from the other person is stark; a criticism is more likely than a complaint to
make the other person defensive. Their defensiveness can easily be interpreted by you as
either “proof of their guilt” or an attempt to dismiss your concerns. When this happens,
the first horseman is very active.

2. The Four Horsemen
Boss Version Adapted from the work of John Gottman, (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 1994, Fireside) by R.A. Orr, 2004
Contempt
What separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult or psychologically hurt the
other person. With words and non-verbal behaviors, you are tossing insults at the center
of the other person’s sense of self. It is your negative thoughts about the other person,
that he or she is lazy, stupid, or incompetent, that provides the energy for your
contemptuous behavior. These beliefs are communicated loud and clear to the other
person.
The most common symptoms of contempt are:
 Insults and name-calling: In a work setting words like jerk, stupid, ass, and bitch
are not usually exchanged openly, but it is not uncommon to think them or to use
them when recounting an interaction with a trusted co-worker.
 Hostile humor: The truism goes, “Many a truth is said in jest.” As Dr. Gottman
puts it, this is “contempt covered with the thin veil of comic relief.
 Mockery: This is a put-down covered with the thin veil of wit. The other person’s
word or actions are ridiculed and laughed at to demonstrate that he or she does
not have your trust or respect.
 Non-verbal behaviors: Dr. Gottman’s research has found that contempt can be
subtly communicated with a few swift changes in the facial muscles. Signs of
contempt or disgust include sneering, rolling your eyes, and curling your upper lip.
Gottman discovered that it was often the facial expressions that offered the
clearest clue that there was something amiss between two people.
Defensiveness
If you are being bombarded with insults, the natural inclination is to defend yourself from
attack. In the Star-Wars films, the character Hans Solo has a recurring line, “It’s not my
fault!” The fact that defensiveness is an understandable reaction to feeling besieged is one
reason it is so destructive – the “victim” doesn’t see anything wrong with being defensive.
But, Dr. Gottman points out, defensive phrases, and the attitude that they express, tend to
escalate conflict rather than reduce it.
The most common forms of defensiveness are:
 Denying responsibility: Regardless of the charges the other person makes, you
insist in no uncertain terms that you are not to blame. If your coworker or boss
complains that your work was not thorough, you respond that it is not your fault
because of the unrealistic deadlines that were imposed on you.
 Making excuses: In this defensive maneuver you claim that external
circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way. If your
boss attacks you for always arriving late, you respond, “The trains on my line are
never on time.” (But if that is so, why don’t you plan on catching an earlier train?)
 Cross-complaining: This is a grown-up version of “so’s your old man.” You meet
the other person’s complaint or criticism with an immediate complaint of
your own.
 Yes-Butting: A yes-but statement is any statement that starts off agreeing but
ends up disagreeing. For example, your boss says, “You did not make the

3. The Four Horsemen
Boss Version Adapted from the work of John Gottman, (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 1994, Fireside) by R.A. Orr, 2004
corrections on that report that I had given you.” Your response is, “You’re right,
but I couldn’t read your handwriting and you were in meetings all day, so I
thought that it would be best to wait to make sure I got it right the first time.”
 Whining: Yes, Whining occurs in the workplace. We are all familiar with the
whining sound, but it is also possible to whine without that sound, by feeling sorry
for yourself and acting like an innocent victim. Whining conveys the message,
“You are not treating me fairly.”
 Body Language: The physical signs of defensiveness include a false smile (the
corners of the mouth rise, but the eyes don’t change, shifting from side to side,
and the classic folding your arms across your chest.
While defensiveness is a natural response to a perceived attack, the problem in the work
environment is that it obstructs communication. Rather spending your available energy in
understanding the other person’s position and think creatively about the issue, you spend it
defending yourself. This leaves the issue unresolved and likely to escalate into a problem
that has an impact on the business.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when two people are talking. The stonewaller psychologically
removes him or herself from the discussion, essentially becoming a “stone wall”. The
stonewaller stops using the standard listening techniques of short verbal responses (“Uh-
huh”, “Yeah”, “Hmmm”) and non-verbals (looking at the speaker, nodding). The
stonewaller simply sits in icy silence.
When asked, a stonewaller will say that they are trying to remain neutral and not make
things worse. Gottman points out that they do not realize that stonewalling in and of itself
is a very powerful act; it conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness. It is upsetting
to speak to a stonewalling listener.

4. The Four Horsemen
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Boss Version Adapted from the work of John Gottman, (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 1994, Fireside) by R.A. Orr, 2004
Criticism Self-Test
This test looks at how you talk about the things that bother you. If possible, take this test
soon after a discussion or disagreement with your boss so that the actions and feelings are
still fresh in your mind.
In the discussion that just occurred: Yes No
1. I thought that it was very important to determine who was at fault  
2. I saw it as my job to put all my issues on the table.  
3. I tried to see patterns and analyze my boss’s personality as a part of
the issue.
 
4. I didn’t bring the issue up until it was no longer possible to ignore it.  
5. I tried to make a general point instead of being specific about one
situation or action.
 
6. I analyzed my boss’s personality in addition to discussing the issues that
bothered me.
 
7. I let things build up for a long time before I raised the issue.  
8. I didn’t censor myself at all. I really let my boss have it full force  
9. When I raised the issue my emotions were very intense and powerful.  
10. I raised the issue in part to get things off my chest.  
11. I did not state my position in a neutral manner.  
12. I didn’t try to be very rational when I stated what I thought was wrong.  
13. When I discussed the issue I felt explosive inside.  
14. When I discussed the issue I brought up my boss’s weaknesses.  
15. There was no stopping me once I got started.  
16. I resented having to bring up the issue in the first place.  
17. I regret my tactless choice of words when I discussed the issue.  
18. Whenever I bring up a problem I know that I’m basically right.  
19. Whenever I bring up a problem it is my goal to get my boss to see how
I’m right.
 
20. It was my goal to get my boss to accept some of the blame for the
problem.
 
21. When I discussed the issue I used phrases like “You always” or
“You never”
 
Scoring: If you checked “yes” on more than seven items you are probably a good
candidate for being a critic. Remember, criticism by itself is not malevolent – it’s easy
to shift from complaining to criticizing.

5. The Four Horsemen
Boss Version Adapted from the work of John Gottman, (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 1994, Fireside) by R.A. Orr, 2004
Contempt Self-Test
In the discussion that just occurred: Yes No
1. When we were discussing an issue at work, I couldn’t think of much of
anything that I admired in my boss.
 
2. When I got upset I could see glaring faults in my boss’s personality.  
3. I just don’t respect some of the things my boss does.  
4. I noted when my boss was inadequate in a particular situation.  
5. I found it hard to have any pride in my boss’s qualities.  
6. During this discussion I found myself thinking of put downs to say to my
boss.
 
7. There is not a whole lot to look up to in the way my boss goes about
things.
 
8. My boss can be pretty arrogant at times.  
9. When my boss got negative I found myself thinking of insulting things to
say back.
 
10. My boss can be pretty smug at times  
11. My boss was too stubborn to compromise.  
12. When my boss was upset with me I wanted to turn the tables and
counterattack.
 
13. I can’t help but feeling that there’s a lot of stupidity in my boss’s
behavior.
 
14. It’s hard for me to see my boss’s point of view when I don’t agree.  
15. I often have no respect for my boss when we are discussing an issue.  
16. I just get fed up with all the negativity.  
17. I feel disgusted with my boss’s attitudes.  
18. My boss can be pretty stupid at times.  
19. I disapprove of my boss’s behavior.  
20. My boss can be pretty inept at times.  
21. It was hard to respect my boss when he or she was being that
incompetent.
 
22. When my boss is upset with me I think of all the ways that I have been
let down in this job.
 
23. My boss is very selfish.  
24. I often feel a sense of righteous indignation when my boss is expressing
something negative.
 
25. When I get dumped on I think of ways to get even.  
26. When I see a glaring fault in my boss I can’t recall my boss’s positive
qualities.
 
Scoring: If you checked “yes” on more than seven items you are probably a good
candidate for using contempt.

6. The Four Horsemen
Boss Version Adapted from the work of John Gottman, (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 1994, Fireside) by R.A. Orr, 2004
Defensiveness Self-Test
This test looks at whether you respond defensively when your boss brings up an issue.
Try to recall your actual behavior, feelings, and thoughts just after the discussion. It is
very important that you be brutally honest with yourself.
Yes No
1. When my boss raised the issue, I felt unfairly picked on.  
2. I felt misunderstood.  
3. I don’t feel that I get credit for all the positive things that I do.  
4. What went wrong was actually not that much my responsibility.  
5. To avoid blame, I had to explain how and why the problem arose.  
6. I felt unfairly attacked when my boss was being negative.  
7. When my boss complained, I realized that I also had a set of complaints
that I wanted to air.
 
8. My boss’s negativity got too intense, too much, too out of proportion.  
9. My boss was too touchy; got “bent out of shape” too easily.  
10. There was some truth to my boss’s complaints, but it was not the whole
truth.
 
11. When my boss raised the issue, I thought, “I am innocent of these
charges.”
 
12. When my boss raised the issue I felt that I had to “ward off” these
attacks.
 
13. I felt obligated to deny the complaints against me that were inaccurate.  
14. When I listened to my boss’s discussion of the issues I thought of issues
of my own that weren’t getting attention.
 
15. My boss’s views of the problem were too self-centered.  
16. I thought, “What you say only bounces right off me.”  
17. When my boss raised the issue I tried to think of ways to protect myself.  
18. When my boss raised the issue I thought of a way to re-explain my
position.
 
19. When my boss raised the problem I thought that if my position were
really understood we wouldn’t have all these issues.
 
20. It seems that all my boss can do is find fault with me.  
21. Sometimes it feels like my boss is coming at me with a baseball bat.  
22. During a hot discussion I keep thinking of ways to retaliate.  
Scoring: If you checked “yes” on more than seven items you are probably a good
candidate for being defensive. It is easy to feel unfairly attacked at times, even in the
best working relationships. People who score high in defensiveness often operate with
an internal script of thoughts that maintain their distress. In general, the defensive
person feels like an innocent victim: wronged, misunderstood, unfairly tainted, and not
appreciated.

7. The Four Horsemen
Boss Version Adapted from the work of John Gottman, (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, 1994, Fireside) by R.A. Orr, 2004
Stonewalling Self-Test
This short quiz will help you determine whether you are apt to stonewall during a
conflict.
Yes No
1. When my boss raised the issue I felt that I just wanted to get away from
this garbage.
 
2. I had to control myself to keep from saying what I really felt.  
3. I thought, “It’s best to withdraw to avoid a big argument.”  
4. I withdrew to try to calm down.  
5. When I have a big blowup with my boss, I just want to quit.  
6. At times when my boss is very negative, I think it’s best to “keep my
nose clean” and not respond at all.
 
7. I’d rather withdraw than to feel disrespected.  
8. I think that sometimes withdrawing is the best solution.  
9. I wonder why small issues suddenly become big ones.  
10. I withdrew when my boss’s emotions seemed out of control.  
11. I thought, “I don’t have to take this kind of treatment.”  
12. I didn’t want to fan the flames of conflict, so I just sat back and waited.  
13. I hate it when things in our discussions stop being rational.  
Scoring: If you checked “yes” on more than four items you are probably a good
candidate for being a stonewaller.