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How To Make Your Marriage Work?

The document discusses common issues faced in Muslim marriages, divided into four main chapters: communication problems, intimacy concerns, financial issues, and in-law relations. It emphasizes that marriage should facilitate personal growth for both partners, requiring patience, commitment, and mutual effort to address challenges. The ebook aims to provide practical advice and solutions from professional counselors to help couples build more harmonious relationships.

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© OnIslam.net 1435 AH / 2014 AC All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without a prior written permission from OnIslam.net
- 2 - Table of Contents Introduction ..................................................................................4 Chapter I: Communication Problems ............................................6 Cannot Get Along with My Husband ..........................................7 Husbands: Why Is It Hard to Be Cooperative? ........................11 My Wife Abuses Me ....................................................................17 Why Are Men Dishonest to Women? Whose Fault? ..............21 Chapter II: Sex/Intimacy-Related Problem..................................26 I Cannot Enjoy Intimacy with My Husband ..............................27 Married, But We Are Still Virgins! ............................................34 My Husband Doesn't Sleep With Me ........................................42 I Don't Feel Attractive to My Husband! ...................................46 How to Help My Husband Out of Porn Addiction? .................55 Chapter III: Financial Issues...........................................................59 I Must Pay For My Expenses besides Son and Studies ............60 Our Needs Are Endless ..............................................................66 My Husband is without a Job .....................................................70
- 3 - Facing Hardships Because of Loan ............................................74 My Husband Just Uses Me ..........................................................80 Chapter IV: In-Law Issues ..............................................................86 Don't Want to Live with In-Laws: Am I Selfish? ......................87 Mother In-Law Is Destroying Our Marriage.............................91 Wife's Ultimatum: She or My Mother ......................................94 In-law Issue: I Want Some Privacy with My Husband! ......... 100 Husband Considers Me His Mother's Servant ...................... 103 About our Counselors ............................................................. 106
- 4 - Introduction Marriage is not a game, nor is it an end in itself to be accomplished and then set aside. Marriage is a means for two people to better themselves through their love for one another and for their Creator. {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and
- 5 - mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.} (Ar-Rum 30:21) Islam places much emphasis on marriage as the cornerstone of a thriving community. Muslims who “qualify” for marriage are encouraged to seek out spouses in order to fulfill half their deen. Everyone wishes for a happy marriage. But this is not something that comes easily. It takes lots of patience, self-discipline, and willingness to change and accommodate. Most importantly, it takes both partners working together to establish a healthy marriage. We need to invest time and energy to make a marriage work. We need to make a concerted effort. Once we have made our best effort, while placing our trust in God, a successful outcome is guaranteed insha’Allah. This eBook contains some of the most informative and powerful consultations provided by OnIslam’s professional counselors, collected in four areas where (Muslim) marriages struggle the most: communication, intimacy, financial problems, and issues with in-laws. We sincerely hope that this eBook will provide you with lots of help, useful tips, and guidance to achieve a harmonic and blessed marriage. Family & Society team
- 6 - Chapter I Communication Problems
- 7 - Cannot Get Along with My Husband Salams. I am in need of counseling. I am in a very critical situation of taking a decision about divorce as it's not getting along with my husband since the day we got married. (We're married for 6 years.) We don't have children. I am afraid to continue this marriage as well as to end it as Allah doesn't like divorce. My husband and me are not in touch for a whole month. I live with my parents and he lives with one of his siblings abroad. At this time, I want to devote more time to Allah, but unfortunately, I am not able to. I am in a great stressful period, but I am still not able to connect to God. I pray obligatory prayers just for the heck of it. I am sure that if I get devoted to Him completely, He will guide me to the right path and help me in this situation. How can I become more pious? Furthermore, I lose my temper very fast and get so uncontrollable anger. I am shouting and yelling; Satan is –
- 8 - within me. How can I manage my anger? It is not good for a lady to get angry like this. It is also one of the reasons for my marriage problems. Could you please advise me to solve these issues? I want to increase my knowledge about Islam (particularly in Islamic history and hadith), but I am not able to focus. What to do? Thanks, Answer by Karima Burns As-Salamu ‘AlaykumwaRahmatullahiwaBarakatuhu, The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said, "The honored women before Allah (SWT) are those who are obedient to their husbands and remain within the boundaries of their homes." In the Qur'an it says: {Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the joy and the comfort of our eyes, and guide us to be models of righteousness.} (Al-Furqan 25:74) If you are not able to meet your husband's needs in the terms above and other terms of the marriage, then it would be kinder to him to accept a divorce, if this is what he would be happiest with. If you are, instead, committed to seeking solutions to the marriage problems you have and to your own problems, then this in itself is an act
- 9 - of worship and devotion to Allah for, "The best Muslim is the one who is best to his family." (At-Tirmidhi) By meeting your husband's needs, you are also meeting many of your obligations to Allah. To worship Allah by performing one's duties to their family & society is an aspect of worship that should not be discounted. It is just as important as learning about Islamic history and Hadith. Returning to the question about how you can increase your knowledge of Islam and decrease your anger: You will only be able to do this slowly, with sincere effort, patience, and time. The Qur'an says: {Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere. } (Al Baqarah 2:153)" This is certainly true. In your enquiry I feel that you feel impatient about your situation. You are perhaps frustrated with your marriage and wish it could resolve quickly. You wish to be able to connect with Allah NOW and not later, and you want to be the person you dream of being NOW. However, ironically, this intense desire and impatience could actually increase your anger and make it hard for you to perform your religious duties. Make a list of the goals you want to reach and focus on achieving them in small steps, rather than all at once. Instead of focusing on never being angry, try to focus on decreasing your outbursts. If you have one outburst
- 10 - a day, perhaps first you can focus on bringing that down to one a week. From there you can move on to other goals. The same goes to your desire to become more pious and learn more about Islam. You could start by learning one ahadith each day or by reading one chapter in a book about Islamic history every day. In sha' Allah, you will find peace by slowly walking the path of peace. {Be patient, for your patience is with the help of Allah.} (Al Isra' 16:127) You may strive as much as you can and your efforts will be rewarded. However, what you receive will ultimately be a gift from Allah: {To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills (and plans). He bestows (children) male or female according to His Will (and Plan)} (As Shura 42:49) and... {Say: O Allah, Lord of power! You give power to whom You please, and You remove from power whom You please. You give honor to whom You please and You disgrace whom You please. In Your hand is all Good. Indeed, over all things You have power.} (Ale Imran 3:26)
- 11 - Husbands: Why Is It Hard to Be Cooperative? As-Salamu ‘Alaykum! Our beloved Prophet (PBUH) was a great leader, a great teacher, a great preacher, a Prophet, and he still had time and mood to be a great husband. Why is it so difficult for men to be cooperative with their wives in house chores? I'm a housewife but I work as well at a company (temporarily at home as a freelancer). I love my husband very much, Alhamdulillah, and generally, I'm happy with our marital life. But I think it could be improved, insha' Allah. Sometimes, I can't stop feeling that my two only functions are to clean the house (clothes, cooking, etc.) and satisfy him. Although, I feel I'm right, sometimes, I also feel guilty because of that. I want to believe that a woman can be more than that! True! Because of the lack of cooperation and these feelings, I started to become lazy on my house shores.
- 12 - But I think it could be a lot easier for both if there was more cooperation. And I mean cooperation! I don't want my husband to do all the chores, just to help sometimes. Whenever I request him, timidly, he does "the annoyed face" and does some other chore that I didn't ask him to. Jazak Allah kahyran. Answer by Hawaa Irfan As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister, Yes, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was a great leader, teacher, preacher, and husband who helped with the household chores too, but guess what? There is only one Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). We can always compare what we have with role models and make ourselves pretty miserable. If everyone had the same experiences, and learnt in the same manner, and applied themselves in the same way to all aspects of life, it would be very dull life; don’t you think that? Al hamduLillah, Allah (SWT), got it right on our behalf, and provided us with variety. As much as 21st century man has tried to make everything the same between the sexes, somehow in real terms, it just does not quite translate! The reason why it does not translate is because we, as humans, like to re-write the rules without considering the consequences.
- 13 - What was the above all about you might be thinking. Well, it would seem that because you go out to work, and you work at home as well you expect your husband to do the same. However, Allah (SWT) did not design the whole creation thing in that way, and made husbands and fathers the providers as stated in the Qur’an. This does not mean that only men can go out to provide, it means that it is their responsibility to provide. For wives it is a choice Islamically speaking, albeit that there might be a decision by both husband and wife that the wife should/could go out to work. What your husband earns is for the benefit of the family, and what you as the wife earns is at your discretion. If your income is for the benefit of the family, it is because it is a decision made by the both of you. Having no knowledge of what your husband’s occupation is, in general, men do like to return to the sanctuary of home which should balance out the demands of the outside world. Before you blow steam, yes, you too have a demanding job both at home and at work. However, do you carry over the work mind set into the home? For example, if you have people working with you and under you, do you talk to your husband in the same manner in which you talk to them? Your day may be full of set of instructions and orders in order to keep on top of the work, but by the time you return home, that social psychology should be left at the company you work for. When you arrive home you should be the wife, the friend, the sister who your husband
- 14 - looks forward to being with at the end of his working day. To enable this, you have to slow down as well. Take a look at the things you do when you get home and make a list of them all, then prioritize them. The color code them into most important, less important, and can wait. The chores that need to be done every evening (most important), look at them again, and see how you can schedule you in! Schedule you in? Yes, by doing this you will provide yourself with the opportunity to unwind, to slow down, and to relax enough to be there for yourself, and for your husband. Less important tasks can be set for 2/3 time weekly, and least important once-a-week. Take that long shower or a hot bath, put some nice smelling oils in, and then put on something comfortable. Do your prayers on time, and give thanks for what you have. Make du’aa’ that you will always understand and appreciate each other Prepare the kind of meal that is good for the both of you, but does not require you to be in the kitchen all throughout. Prepare the meal based on what you have. This helps to avoid unnecessary panic for an ingredient, which results in a tiresome stint to the shops.
- 15 - If your husband is present and has some time to unwind, invite him to share in the preparation of the meal with you. The time could be used to talk about light subjects, and even share laughter. While the meal is cooking, relax and do some reading. If your husband is at home, sit and talk with him – share your day, or talk about something more interesting to the both of you. The washing does not have to be done every day. The cleaning can be kept to a minimum, especially if the home is not cluttered with furniture and furnishings. If you need your husband for something, invite him, e.g. “Could you help me to…” which goes much farther than an order. Invite your husband into the kitchen to help set the table, dish out the meal, etc., with you. Allow for each the time a little privacy or quiet moment. Shop for a week instead every time you run out of something. This can be done together, take turns, or he is responsible for certain types of shopping, and you other types of shopping. With time on your hands, you might even be able to visit a friend, a relative, or attend an event together.
- 16 - Most importantly, do not do the same thing every evening; otherwise routine will get the better of your marriage. Always ensure that there is something that you can both do together. Dear sister, have a happy life!
- 17 - My Wife Abuses Me Please, could you help me resolve this issue? I have been married for nearly 16 years and have a lovely family with 5 children. Recently, I have been having problems with my wife on a number of issues. First, she screams and yells a lot at me and the kids over small things, and when I try to discuss it with her, she blames it on me. Secondly, I have asked her several times not to watch movies that are 18 rated as our children are under 16, when I try to talk about this issue, she says she is a mother and knows what's best for the kids.
- 18 - Third, when I sit down with the kids to teach them i.e. reading/ writing, she always finds faults in what I do, like the material I'm teaching is too hard or they don't want to learn. Fourth, when I discuss religious issues with her, if she disagrees she will shout back or yell in front of the kids and shows disrespect. Fifth, she doesn't encourage the kids to pray but rather, shouts at them. Recently, we were staying with my parents where there were so many problems between my mother and wife so we finally moved into our own home. I thought then it was because of my parents, although we only stayed for 11 months. About a week ago, we had a similar episode of disagreement and my wife started to show disrespect by shouting and raising her voice. I tried to calm her but she continued in front of the kids and made me feel very uncomfortable. So I walked away to another room, then I later decided to stop sharing the bed with her, and the next day I stopped eating the food she cooked. After 3 days she realized I was avoiding her, it was quite obvious. She came to talk to me but she still had the attitude, she put it like this, "have you calmed down now?" Again, making me feel it's my fault, so I spoke to her and explained what she has been doing and for that reason I will not share her bed or eat her food for 7 days.
- 19 - She went mad and said if I can do this she will do it too. Now the 7 days have ended I tried to talk to her to make things better, but she says she is quite happy the way things are and she wants to do the same to me. She won't let me touch her or talk. Now please can you advise me on what to do next? Also, please could you correct me; did I act according to Islam? Or did I do wrong, what is my position in Islam? Can she deny me to touch her? I haven t told my family (parents) about this yet. Answer by Karima Burns Wa ‘Alaykum Salam, She Wants to Communicate with You Very Badly She has some needs she wants to share with you and some things she wants to say. It seems she has been unable to express these for some time so she may feel very angry and resentful at first and may express herself in hurtful ways when you first listen to her. It would be best to seek counseling if you can. This would provide you both with a safe and neutral place to communicate. If you do not have access to a counselor then it would be helpful to listen to her (without offering advice, becoming defensive, criticizing or taking anything personally) and remember, while you are doing it, that you will
- 20 - need to be very patient initially as she has been trying for some time so her initial conversations will be more angry. As time goes on and she feels safer and safer to communicate, her anger will dissipate and she will be able to express herself more clearly. As you become more aware of ways in which you make it hard to communicate, you will find it easier to forgive her outbursts and will spend more time focusing on how you can be a more receptive husband. Focus on what the core issue is here - a couple's need to communicate - and think about what you can do to make this happen. Walking out or refusing to speak or sleep with your spouse will not help this situation. Communication Comes in Many Ways Sex is a method of communication in marriage - especially for the man or woman who communicates on a physical level better than on a verbal level. Cooking can also be a form of communication and can be a way that a wife expresses love for her husband. Focus on keeping as much communication open as possible.
- 21 - Why Are Men Dishonest to Women? Whose Fault? Why are some men dishonest to women? Is there any lacking that women have? Or is it the men who are sick? Answer by Dr. `Abd.Lateef Krauss Abdullah
- 22 - As-Salamu `Alaykum, Dear sister, thank you for your short but very important question. I’m not so sure how to answer you, in fact! Yes, it’s true that men can be dishonest at times, especially when it comes to dealing with women. Lately, it seems as though the number of cases of men being dishonest with their wives, for example, is greater than ever, but of course, we don’t have statistics on the matter. A Growing Culture of Dishonesty In my view, there is indeed a growing culture among people in general where basic character that involves being honest, keeping one’s word, fulfilling promises, etc. is no longer of much importance. When I grew up, ‘keeping one’s word’ was an important cultural norm. When you said something or made a promise to someone, you did your utmost to keep it. However, today, lying and cheating has become commonplace making it much more difficult to trust others. When these basic practices of good character fall by the wayside, it has very negative repercussions on general relations between people and in society. How do people live with one another if they feel that they cannot trust each other? It’s very unhealthy.
- 23 - It’s difficult, of course, to say that men are more dishonest than women. Such a claim has not been ‘proven’ with any scientific data that I know of. As such, it is only what we perceive and, although it may be true, it is difficult to make such a claim. Communication Problem Between Spouses In the context of marriage in general, however, clearly, at least in the society where I currently reside where divorce between Muslims is at an all-time high, there are very deep concerns as to how husbands and wives get along. There are many cases of adultery and all that it comes with, which usually includes deception, lying, and many other negative behaviors. Of course in the case of extra-marital affairs, it takes two – a man and a woman – to do it, so we cannot only blame the men. Generally, I think we are seeing a negative trend related to the institution of marriage itself, which is very troubling, as well as the problem with akhlak (manners) among Muslims in general. Generalization is Unjust In any situation, I don’t think it is fair just to assume that men are dishonest and the cause of all the problems. Every situation is unique and we should try to understand it fully before passing any judgments on people.
- 24 - It becomes too easy just to automatically blame men for the problems we are seeing. Have we asked the men for their views, their opinions on the matter? As Muslims it is very important to do that before drawing conclusions. We should always seek to obtain all the facts in a situation before drawing conclusions. No, Dishonesty is not Inherent in Men So, to answer your question, I would say that no, there is nothing inherent in man’s makeup that causes him to be more dishonest than women. I think we are living in a time, however, where basic human character is not strong, where things like honesty and keeping one’s word are not given high value; and in many societies, especially developing and under-developed nations men are having a very hard time simply being men. Put Yourself in Men’s Shoes What I mean is that it is a time where it is even hard for men to find a stable job where they can support their families. So, there are economic challenges as well, which men will feel more than women because of their sense of duty and responsibility to provide for their families. We tend to overlook this fact when discussing relations between men and women.
- 25 - Women are advancing with leaps and bounds in terms of education, for example, which is good, but what is the effect on the men? When men start to fall behind, as they are doing in the country where I reside, what is the impact on them? How do they react? We have yet to answer this question. Needless to say, there are many things to consider in trying to answer your question, but it is an important one that we should all be thinking about.
- 26 - Chapter II Sex/Intimacy-Related Problem
- 27 - I Cannot Enjoy Intimacy with My Husband As-salamu 'alaykum. I have been married for almost a year and a half now to a wonderful man, whom I love, but there is one problem in our marriage, which I have had from day one - I am unable to enjoy the physical side of our relationship with my husband. I have never been able to enjoy it or feel what other women feel. To me, it is like an act or chore that has to be done, and I do not want to feel like that. After our wedding, we had a lot of trouble consummating the marriage and I felt quite a lot of pain. After a few visits to the doctor, it
- 28 - seemed that my hymen was too thick, so they performed a small surgery to have it removed. After the surgery, I thought that things would be better, but the pain was still there. In fact, the pain was so intense that I would sometimes scream. The only difference was after the surgery that my husband was able to fully enter, but I still felt the pain, and I was unable to enjoy anything. I returned to the gynecologist and she told me that it is normal to feel a bit of pain at first, and that it would get better in time. After a few months, the pain wasn't as bad and it has gotten easier, but the only problem is that I cannot feel anything remotely pleasurable with my husband while being intimate. I have tried many ways to get me in the mood with no success. It is affecting our relationship in that aspect, and I feel depressed about it. I do not know what the problem is or why I am like this. Why am I unable to be satisfied? I feel that it is unfair and that I am missing out on a gift that Allah has given to us. I do pray to Allah to help me. Please advise me on what I should do as like I said, I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about my situation. I appreciate your help and support. May Allah bless you. Answer by Hawa Irfan
- 29 - As-Salamu my dear sister, Al hamduLillah that you have married a man with whom you are happy, and may you remain so for each other in sha' Allah. Chronic Vulvar Pain (Vulvadynia) is not easily detected, and can also cause the kind of pain that you have been experiencing, which occurs prior to intercourse. The cause identified so far is inflammation of the vestibular gland. The most successful treatments are those given for mood disorders because of the neurotransmitters present in the gland, which indicates a psychological association, and studies show this to be the case as it pertains to physical intimacy. Exercises that pertain to learning how to relax the pelvic floor muscles increases trust with part of your body. Kegel's exercise is very successful in this regard when one is properly instructed, but there is nothing to say that this is what you have, but serves only as an indication that there could be other probable causes. Because your experience of physical intimacy with your husband has been a painful experience, you are psychologically wired so to speak to expect pain and not pleasure, because you have learnt not to trust that you can. On the one hand, you want to be loved physically, you want the pleasure of the experience, but your past physical experience and your psychological associations are conspiring against one another – i.e. conflicting emotions.
- 30 - Therefore, just as you have learnt to repress your feelings, you need to learn how to relax your feelings. There are many everyday things that we do to release anxieties, and I am sure you can think of a few, but have you released your anxieties? Exercise Make sure you are alone, and that no one will be disturbed by the noises you are going to make. Stand with your feet parallel to your shoulders. Close your eyes and focus your mind in your feet (until you can "feel" your feet with your mind, then your shins, knees, thighs, pelvis, hips, base of your spine, navel, back, arms, shoulders, neck, between your brows, and the top of your head. Now, take deep breathes in 1, 2, 3 and out 1, 2, 3 seven times. Place your mind in your feet, and exhale a sound (you are not singing but releasing energy through sound). Be warned, the sound might be ugly, or you may fail or feel uncomfortable the first time. Try again another time. You repeat the process of releasing the built up negative energy in your body through sound with your shins, knees, thighs, pelvis, hips, base of your spine, navel, back, arms, shoulders, neck, between your brows, and the top of your head. The uglier the sound the more negative stored energy is at that point of your body. Now how do you feel? Your body is not separate from your thoughts and your feelings. How you see your body reflects your relationship with it, and what it is comfortable
- 31 - in doing. Top obstetrician and gynecologist, Christine Northrup gives the following steps on how to listen to your body: Note the things in your life that you are not happy with, and note how you react. (breathing, pulse, sweating, nervousness, etc.) Pay attention to what your body feels like; this is your inner guidance system. What is your self-image?  Pay attention to your thoughts and how they affect your body.  Note what your body needs on a daily basis.  Note what fears you have about your body.  Learn to Respect Your Body You cannot give your husband what you do not honor yourself. While your husband trusts and respects you, you are learning not to trust and respect yourself. A candle-lit bath with certain oils can go far in terms of relaxation of body and mind.
- 32 - Aromatic Bath Rosemary Oil - It has been established that this oil reduces congestion in the lymphatic system - Is good for acne, eczema, dry skin and rejuvenates the skin. -Is a tonic to the heart - A stimulant the respiratory system and the metabolism - Acts an antiseptic A Calming Bath Use: Lavender/marjoram/chamomile A Stimulating Bath Use: Sage/rosemary/pine. An Aphrodisiac Bath Use: Ylangylang / sandalwood/ ginger/peppermint /pepper Try not to wear tight synthetic (poor rate of absorbency) clothing that can prevent that part of your body from breathing which can lead to irritation of the vulvar, because you are reducing the ability of that part of your body to respire.
- 33 - Belly dancing is a form of treatment in some fertility clinics as the western woman increasing suffers from issues pertaining to the womb, and the reproductive system in general. Hatha yoga is also an ancient form that pre-dates Hinduism, and teaches much about one's body. All this time you have wanted to please your husband, but now – maybe, it is time for your husband to learn a little more about the subtle forms of intimacy that begins with words, looks, and may involve touch. In this way, you will give a chance to enjoy the moment, and he will learn what you need before, during and after a candle-lit bath!
- 34 - Married, But We Are Still Virgins! As-salamu ‘alaykum. Thanks a lot for your efforts. We are seeking some enlightenment on our marital life from experts. We have been married for two years, al hamduLillah, happily and in harmony.
- 35 - We are from two different cultures, but we are glad that our diversity is a source of enrichment rather than troubles. We live alone in a separate house and we both work. We share, talk and discuss all issues frankly regarding our marriage and intimacy and we don't have any barriers in this regard. The problem is that from the beginning of our marriage until today, we have not been able to successfully perform full sexual relations. We are still virgins. We have nice, lovely, romantic times, but we have not been able to achieve full sexual intercourse. We don't know why. My attitude in the beginning was "with love, time and more sexual experience, we would be able to manage it.” I thought we could learn it from each other on each other in a funny and loving way. My wife has been patient, understanding and cooperative and made great effort to prepare wonderful romantic scenes and so we have had lovely times. She is beautiful with her quality of patience. But with time, we both started to get worried being aware of the importance of successful sexual relations for a successful family life. I started to worry whether I’m really providing for her the love and intimacy she should find in marriage. Sexual satisfaction is her right as much as it's mine in the marriage. She kept telling me "women desires are different to men’s”... "…when I see you are happy I feel happy”... "I get pleasure by giving you the
- 36 - pleasure". Can women be satisfied without full sexual relations? My wife thinks that she can't give me what each husband wants. To add to it, there are more worries about pregnancy and having babies. I really don't know why we can't have intimate relations. Every time we try, we just don't do it well, how to say, it just doesn’t happen (I don’t know how to phrase it more than that!) We have made fun a million times of ourselves and how this ‘operation’ is so difficult. Recently, I noticed that the light-sexual relations we have are not of any concern to my wife. I do understand her, and I don't blame her. From time to time she says like "What have I got from this - nothing”... "How will we get babies like that”… "What on earth is this ‘operation’ "... "I can't believe how all married couples do it". I love my wife very much and I really think I’m getting a red light and that I need to do something more than just having a positive attitude. I have tried to read, try different positions - it just didn't work. My wife convinced me to go to doctor who said that everything is fine just I should make more efforts. I don't know what effort I should make. We started recently to develop an attitude that "fine, we can live and survive like that and there is no harm". Can this be done: a successful and loving marriage without full sexual intercourse? Can we opt for artificial tube babies? Will this be harmful to my wife’s spirit and her psychology, because she can't have babies from a normal
- 37 - sexual marital relation? What can we do to be able to overcome this test? I hope the info provided here is enough to shed light on the issue. If any info is missing please let me know. Thanks. May Allah best reward you. Answer by Karima Burns Dear Brother, With any healing situation, it is never a good idea to let the situation continue. Learn to deal with it. When people do choose to do this, they find that it only grows worse. If a person does not fix a broken leg immediately, the break heals wrong and the leg must be re-broken. If someone has pre-diabetes symptoms and they “learn to deal with them”, they may find themselves in a situation where they need to take insulin shots daily. If someone takes medication for depression, heart disease, anxiety or any other health situation and does not deal with the underlying causes of the problem, they will only get worse. You can, theoretically, try to compensate your situation by any of the solutions you listed above such as test-tube babies. However, this would be damaging to your wife’s emotional and physical health, to your marriage and to your health in general. It is helpful that you provided information and details on your situation. However, it would help to know some more details. It would also help to
- 38 - hear what your wife says about the situation. It is hard to try to help a couple’s situation when there is only information from one person. I am also unsure of the exact nature of the problem. •Are you unable to complete the act of intercourse because you cannot maintain an erection? •Are you unable to complete the act of intercourse because you do not ejaculate? Or is there another reason? I did understand from what you said that in the beginning the situation may have been mutual, however at this point it sounds like your wife is ready to move forward and you have not been able to. However, I also understood that according to the doctor you have seen that you do not have any physical problems. Since I am not sure about the exact nature of the problem, I will suggest some solutions in each category. If you are unable to “perform” in some way, you could benefit from herbal therapy. Many men who do not have any visible physical problems have found herbs beneficial. Achieving an erection is complex. It involves psychological impulses from the brain, adequate levels of testosterone, a functioning nervous system, and healthy vascular tissue of the penis. If a doctor has stated that you are physically OK, then we can assume that you have been tested for testosterone levels and that your vascular tissue is healthy. However, I always recommend that people get a second
- 39 - and perhaps even a third opinion when dealing with life altering health problems. Couples have been using herbal therapy for centuries to enhance physical relations. Yohimbe bark, damiana, ginseng, sarsaparilla, gingko and horny goat weed are all helpful in this area. Take capsules or tinctures of one of these herbs three times daily for 6 weeks. You should see improvement within ten days. Please check the contraindications for each of these herbs before taking them to make sure they are safe for you to take. You may also benefit from acupressure or reflexology. You can, as a couple, give each other reflexology treatments. When you are massaging each other’s feet, your wife should focus on putting pressure on the areas just below your ankle bones. This is the area of sexual stimulation for men. A session should last at least 15-30 minutes. When you are giving your wife a treatment, you can also massage the entire foot, and focus on the ankle areas. Another effective treatment is massage therapy. Instead of meeting for intercourse, you can have your wife give you a therapeutic massage and you can give her one as well. This usually works best if you give these on alternate days so you each have time to focus on the other person and are not spending time thinking about when it is your turn. So the effects of the therapy are not lost when the person who has been massaged has to suddenly get up and work at massaging the other
- 40 - person. A massage session should last at least 30 minutes. If you add massage oils like sandalwood or ylang-ylang, this will help increase the effectiveness of the massage. •Are you currently taking any medications? Many medications can also cause trouble in this area. You may want to consider alternative therapies or an alternate medication. •If you are unable to perform in some way and the doctor’s only advice was “you need to try harder”, then you need to change doctors – it is not a mechanical process! If you are able to perform, but for some reason you do not enter your wife during intercourse, then you need to seek couple’s therapy at this point (paid counseling, through a free clinic, or a faith-based counselor). Your wife will also need to be involved in any solution you seek as, after two years, there will be a lot of issues that have been avoided for long enough that it would be a difficult task for a couple to tackle alone. Help from a third party who can speak to both of you together will help. However, if you are unable to find or afford any counseling, you will need to take some time each week that you set aside for each of you to talk about the situation. However, you will need to change the formula of the discussions you have been having because it is not effective. You will need to set a timer and allow each person time to talk about the situation for an equal amount of time. Anger and criticism should be avoided.
- 41 - The topic should be focused on problems and possible solutions. If you seek help on the Internet, your wife should be with you during this time. This time together could be spent reading books on the topic and discussing them or simply on discussing how your wife feels or how you feel about the situation. I strongly suggest, however, that you have a third party help you through some of the first discussions - even if you can only afford a few sessions. What may have started out as a physical problem now involves emotions and psychological problems as well, so it will be more difficult now than before. It may be hard to understand why “after all this time” things are not better. However, it is actually the opposite. It is because of the time that has elapsed that it has become harder and harder to solve the problem. Because of this, you will both need to adapt an attitude about this issue that is new. You both cannot think of this issue as the same one that you had two years ago. It is not. You both cannot say you are “tired of dealing with this issue for two years” because you have not. What you are dealing with now is more complex. You will need to get very serious about solving the problem and deal with it on an emotional, physical and psychological level with all the options you can find. Herbs, reflexology, acupuncture and therapy can all help. However, the time to do something is now, before any more time passes.
- 42 - My Husband Doesn't Sleep With Me We have been married for 2 years, and since the beginning we have this problem; he is never in the mood to make love with me. I have tried everything; I talked to him, begged him, and even reminded him of his duties as a Muslim husband, but nothing has worked. We have a son who is 11 months. He didn't touch me at all during my pregnancy. He said because he didn't want to hurt the baby, but after I delivered him, he still refuses it - sometimes for more than 2 months. I don't
- 43 - know what to do. The only thing he tells me is that he's not in the mood. Answer by Karim Serageldin As-Salaamu’Alaykum sister, Firstly, it is important to remind your husband that you have relational rights on him, and he needs to develop the drive to meet your physical needs. Male and female are protectors and providers for one another. This is mentioned in the Quran (4:1 & 30:21) among other verses and ahadith. In Islamic law, there are positions when divorce is allowed to be requested by a woman who is neglected physically. This is a very important manner. Psycho-emotionally, there may be a few reasons your husband is unmotivated in this manner. Provided your situation and context, you should take this feedback and contemplate what may or may not be the case. These are simply educated guesses given by my experience as a psychologist. Are you in an arranged marriage? If so, it is possible that attraction and chemistry may not be there. Some arranged marriages are conducted due to family pressure or material solidarity. I have worked with people who married someone without
- 44 - having attraction, thinking it will grow over time. Sometimes it does, sometimes it does not. If this is your case, it is important not to ignore this, and be open about improving this chemistry through strategies that can make each of you more desirable to one another. Past sexual trauma or abuse? People, who have had trauma around sexuality, their bodies tend to be blocked from enjoying sex or even approaching it. If your husband has had any events in his past like abuse, it is important for him to see a trauma therapist to overcome these blocks. Ignoring it will only make it worse. Suffering from SSA? Same sex attraction is a possibility. There are many reasons an individual may have SSA, and this will obviously distract the person from the opposite sex. Again, this requires a therapeutic process that should not be ignored. May not be a sexual person. Some of us are not as excited by sex as the general population. There are individuals who find sex repulsive and dirty. These individuals sometimes have obsessive-compulsive disorder towards cleanliness, and find it difficult to engage in such a physically vulnerable experience like sex. Not
- 45 - being interested in sex can also be related to the reasons I mentioned above. Getting needs met elsewhere. When people are getting their sexual needs met elsewhere, they avoid sexual participation with their partner and show little interest. This can be due to affairs or usage of pornography. Pornography addiction numbs the sexual appetite and makes it difficult for the addict to get excited by actual sex, since real people, like a wife, will not have the novelty factor that pornography has. We must assume the best of your husband sister, yet now that you are aware of some of the reasons your sexual relationship is absent, start paying attention to clues and offer support if possible. There might be other reasons besides the ones I mentioned, so do not think it must be one of the above. Seek support from local sources like family or community centers. I understand that this is a private topic, but we must remember that the companions of the Prophet (s.a.w.) did not withhold their questions out of shame. They used to ask whatever they needed, because they understood that it cures issues and is better to the truth than to suffer in silence and perpetuate an illness. God knows best. May God give you clarity and help you and your husband find a loving bond, Amin.
- 46 - I Don't Feel Attractive to My Husband! As-Salamu `Alaykum. I’m writing to you about a marital problem I am facing. I have been married for four years, three of which I was happy in alhamdulillah. In the fourth year, after having my second baby, I had some baby weight and was feeling a bit insecure, so I noticed my husband’s interest in other women. I confronted him a couple of times before he confessed that he does have a weakness for women. He always did. Although he's religious and doesn't show it, he has always struggled with it. What’s worse is that I’m not really what he had wanted for himself. He was always attracted to very slim women like
- 47 - those he sees on TV. I have always been a healthy average. He also criticized a couple of my features. I felt hurt and betrayed especially that this was not an arranged marriage and that I trusted him so much and had so much confidence in him and myself. We went through therapy and Alhamdulillah I let go of the idea of leaving the marriage. But now, I’m not comfortable with him. I hate going out with him and seeing him looking at other women. He says he's trying his best but this is all he can do. It makes me feel bad about myself. I lost my baby weight 8 months after delivery, but if I go on diet I don't lose a lot and I gain them back easily because this has been my weight since I was a teenager; I have always been a healthy average. Anyways, my question is: with all of this, I now don't feel attractive to my husband, so to enjoy intimacy with him, I have to fantasize about him with another slimmer and more attractive woman. Is that haram? It makes me feel guilty but I never fantasize about another man. I hope your answer gives me peace. Thanks for your time and effort. Answer by Dr. Maryam Bachmeier and Razia AmaarahBhatti `Ali
- 48 - Answer from Dr. Maryam Bachmeier: As-Salam `AlaykumSister, I am not a scholar of Islamic jurisprudence, therefore I am not qualified to tell you whether it is haram or not. However, from a psychological and emotional perspective, I do have a few words to share with you. You and your husband seem quite young. I provide a lot of marriage counseling to young married couples, but I usually see them in person. In your case, I can see that you are feeling hurt by your husband's silly and immature behavior. I have a feeling that he is manipulating you and that there is an element of a power struggle going on. In fact, he may actually be worried that you are too pretty and he might feel insecure. Men are funny; he will never ever admit this...so stay with me. He may actually want you to feel insecure so that he doesn't have to worry about being "good enough". This is just immature behavior. Here is what I know from what you just wrote to me. Your husband is having sex with you. If he was not attracted to you, he would not have sex with you. I have observed the behaviors of men for many years now. If he were not attracted to you, he would be looking for a second wife or even worse. This is what I want you to do: Ignore his ridiculous nonsense talk about skinny women.
- 49 - Be your best beautiful and healthy self - just for you. Love the beautiful body that Allah gave you. I guarantee you that you are sexy and beautiful. How do I know this? Well, because you are a woman. Indeed, so many young women miss out on enjoying their own beauty because they are so busy comparing themselves to other women. Then they look at those pictures of themselves 20 years later and realize how beautiful they were and say to themselves, "If I only knew". Sister, don't lose these precious years. If you mature emotionally and accept yourself the way you are, then your husband will have to either take it or leave it. If he takes it, you will have great sex, no doubt, and I doubt that he wants to leave it (you). When he sees that you don't care about what is on TV or on the billboards, and you pity women who need to be painted to hide all flaws and be photographed, and then have the photographs airbrushed in order to feel like they are worthwhile women, then he will have more respect for you. That is what he is lacking as an immature, young adult husband: “respect”. As you may know, models and movie girls are fake- they airbrush their pictures. They are not really as "pretty" as they look on TV or in the magazines; they are not real. You meet one in person, and you will be surprised. The skinny ones will appear physically ill; you will be very surprised how these girls look like in real life.
- 50 - Walk in confidence sister. You are the beautiful woman whom Allah created. Your husband should appreciate Allah for giving him such a gift. Remember this. Answer from Dr. RaziaBhatti `Ali: As-Salaam `Alaykum, The situation you describe has clearly knocked your self-esteem and obviously, your husband has not learned how to treat a wife and life partner. The crucial issue is that if you were comfortable with yourself, you would not need to ruminate about your physical appearance and feel the culprit in the relationship. For example, why should you have to fantasize about your husband being with a slimmer woman? His fantasies are not your problem but his alone. It seems to me that he has the free will and intelligence to know right from wrong and so long as you do your duty as a wife and mother, you should not be trying to please his extra-curricular desires. Your husband does not have the right to put you down about your weight particularly as you have gained weight to give him the gift of a child and also because he knew what you looked like when he married you.
- 51 - The point is that your low self-confidence allows your husband to get away with negative comments about your weight gain. Therefore, a new boundary must be not to listen to him when he starts criticizing your appearance by telling him your weight is off limits for a conversation as you find it rude and inconsiderate. Be totally honest and clear about what you want from him and how you want to be treated. In reality, your husband won’t be the first or the last man to have desires for other women, but the difference is in whether he will act upon it or just fantasize about it. Realistically, this may just be an adjustment phase that he is experiencing, as it is not uncommon for the arrival of a baby to set off insecurities in both men and women. In this life, we cannot always change other people, but we can choose to change the way we react to them. I would suggest that you make some real effort to improve your self-esteem as it will lead to an increase in your confidence. Also,it will take away the anxiety about what your husband thinks about you and stop you from comparing yourself with other women, which your husband may or may not find attractive. Face your fears - challenges seem scary but your fears are usually exaggerated. Don’t let the fear of your husband straying keep you on edge and undermine your own worth. Face the fact that he is what he is and rather than expecting him to stray, decide to face that bridge if it
- 52 - ever comes as realistically his behavior is somewhat childish and unlikely to be anything more than words. The birth of a baby gives rise to many challenges and often-unpredictable behavior may start to manifest itself. Facing your fear of what might happen will ultimately increase your confidence and boost your esteem. It is important to make realistic appraisals of life's problems as coping effectively with life's problems and failures requires realistic expectations. Life events aren't a problem unless we appraise them as such. Life is never perfect and, to some degree, hassles and problems are a part of normal everyday life. If our appraisals are realistic, we're better able to react to day-to-day life events with a sense of proportion. Therefore, your husband’s behavior is currently more upsetting than it might have been before being pregnant as your self-appraisal is poor. That is because your body has gone through a major change and you feel less attractive. The appraisals we make are a product of our belief system. If we hold unrealistic, inflexible beliefs, then our appraisals may not be the most appropriate for the situation. Irrational beliefs often include 'musts' and 'shoulds', with an emphasis on perfection. 'I have to be attractive all the time’ and 'I must be slimmer and perfect' are all irrational beliefs. They're difficult to achieve and put a lot of pressure on women.
- 53 - It is possible to put an alternative interpretation in the place of an irrational judgment. When your husband treats you rudely, you may be tempted to think that that person is horrible, or everyone must think I’m unattractive. An alternative interpretation could be: 'I wonder what's happening with that person for them to behave so rudely?' We have the choice how to frame our perceptions just as you could wonder what is happening in your husband’s head for him to be perpetuating your insecurities by being openly disrespectful to you rather than being self-critical. If we feel helpless to change things, or incompetent when facing challenges, then we're less likely to come up with a suitable coping response. Therefore, we need to develop self-efficacy, which comes from life experiences. But we can't succeed if we don't have goals. Start focusing on your own needs, set reasonable goals for your life, and give yourself credit when you achieve them. Find a good role model or mentor who can be a positive force and then you will also start to become positive. Instead of belittling yourself for the tiniest faults, which have been put in your head by a very insecure man, build yourself up for the smallest successes and start making constructive use of the network of people around you as a coping skill.
- 54 - People with good support systems are more successful at overcoming low moods, and anxiety, maintaining self-esteem and overcoming loneliness. The mere task of building your own support system is a coping skill, because it requires personal effort. Instead of passively waiting for things to get better, get on with your life by talking to people who make you feel good as it will help an increased feeling of competence and self-esteem. If your husband really loves you and wants the relationship to work, then he will make some positive changes. Give him some time to show that he is willing to improve on your relationship and treat you the way you want to be treated. If he does not respect or honor your wishes and puts you down for even trying to make some positive changes, then you should reevaluate your relationship altogether and seek some further serious marriage counseling. Ask your husband to attend counseling with you and if he refuses, you go yourself. Many relationships can be improved even if only one of the partners seeks outside help. A good counselor can also help you build back your self-esteem.
- 55 - How to Help My Husband Out of Porn Addiction? As-Salamu‘Alaykum. I have been married for almost a year, but just moved together a month ago. Recently, I caught my husband looking at forbidden pictures (porn) and when I asked about it, he looked upset and said that there are things a wife does not need to know; it's only the husband’s business.
- 56 - Second time I caught him, I just pretended that I did not see it, because I knew that he would feel offended. I don't know what to do. He is a good husband, a reverted Muslim and he is trying to practice Islam by performing prayers and fasting. It seems that he is addicted to pornographic pictures. He is quiet mature in his 40's. I am quite devastated; I pray for this marriage (this is my second one), but I don't have faith for it. Please, advise me what to do. I feel heartbroken. Answer by Dr. `Abd.Lateef Krauss Salam ‘Alaykum, Thank you sister for your question. The issue of pornography, unfortunately, does exist even among Muslims. According to Chris Hedges, in his book Empire of Illusion, around 40 million Americans are regular consumers of pornography. One reason that they are regular users is that often people, who consume porn, are addicted to it. As you mentioned also, it might be that your husband was consuming it before he met you and probably even before he converted to Islam. It’s a really difficult habit to break and one of its reasons is thatit is so easily accessed on the internet.
- 57 - Confrontation At some point, sister, I think you have to confront your husband about it. He needs to know how you feel and how concerned you are about your marriage. Insha’ Allah, your honesty and concern will help him and give him the strength to leave this ugly habit. Especially if he is addicted, insha’ Allah seeing how much it affects you and your marriage might give him the strength to leave it. You are One Team Also, it is always better to try and face these challenges as a team. In that regard, you should do all you can to help him and support him in trying to overcome this addiction. Offer your help and your support to overcome it together. To do any of this, though, you need to talk openly and honestly with him about it. The Weapon of Du`aa' Also, make sure that you are constantly making du’aa’ for Allah to help your husband leave this behavior and strengthen your marriage. Try to do regular tahajjud(late night prayers). All help and success is from Allah alone.
- 58 - Try not to be too distraught. Every marriage has challenges which Allah sends us to make us stronger and more reliant on Him. If we respond wisely, we can use these challenges to strengthen our bonds with Allah as well as with our spouses. Think of yourselves as a team, determined to face whatever comes your way together. Educate Yourself about Addiction There are many resources out there for people who have this type of addiction. This site alone has many articles on the issue. Please try to educate yourself about it and with this knowledge you may be better positioned to help your husband. Please feel free and write us again if you have any follow-up questions.
- 59 - Chapter III Financial Issues
- 60 - I Must Pay For My Expenses besides Son and Studies As-Salamu ‘Alaykum. I have a question about an issue between my husband who leaves me and our son behind for family trips and religious pilgrimages unless I provide money for it for my share of the expense such as airfare. My husband and I both work outside the home. In addition to
- 61 - household chores such as cleaning, cooking, and dishwashing, I also do personal care duties for our son such as bathing, dressing, feeding, etc. In addition to these, I also attend graduate school on a full-time basis that is funded through my own earnings. I also pay for 37.5% (proportional to my income) expenses for the house such as heating, electricity, utilities, water, and sometimes I buy food items that my husband does not provide. I also pay for my own car and gas and let my husband drive my car to work once a week as well as on the weekends and for driving trips. My husband has his own car which he pays for. I also buy clothing for my son and myself from my own earnings besides paying for my son's daycare expenses with my own salary. (My husband does not contribute to this as he says I made the decision to work and study outside of the house so I have to bear the cost of childcare; although at the time of our marriage, we made it clear in our contract that I was going to be a student until I finished my studies). Our medical expenses are covered by my university studies, alhamdulillah. When he and I go on vacation to visit our family in another country outside of Canada, he usually asks me to pay for my ticket. He also demands that I pay half the cost for my son's airfare or refuses to go on the trip citing that he cannot afford it. I usually comply, because I want my son to connect to his roots back home and retain
- 62 - some of our cultural heritage, especially because he was born in Canada. He would also go with his younger brother and pay for his younger brother's airfare and for his own airfare for pilgrimages to religious sites for unto three days, but refuses to take me and my son because he 'cannot afford it'. But he pays for the airfare for his brother, and says that he 'has to' take his brother because he needs someone familiar from that country to guide him. I feel that it is unfair for him to do this to me. He gets very angry and verbally fights with me if I ever 'get in his way' and he shame-bashes me for even trying to 'scold' him for his pilgrimage. My husband has large debts that I think he should prioritize in paying off instead of going on pilgrimages. He has already made plans that he wants to go on a two- month pilgrimage and vacation to Mecca/Medina and then to India during my maternity leave in 2015, and demands that I allocate two months of maternity leave to him. I know that he cannot afford this, but he insists. I don't know what to do. I've tried to explain to him nicely that he should not be spending more than he can afford and should not be justifying his trips for 'religious purposes'. He has already done many ‘umrahs in his lifetime, ma sha’ Allah and always done them by taking on debt. I don't think this is a good idea but have morally supported him.
- 63 - Answer by Karim Serageldin As-Salaam ’Alaykum sister, You are right. You have rights and duties owed to you by your husband and it sounds like he is having difficulty prioritizing his time and income. As I read your question, I felt that perhaps your husband has much deeper pain behind his acts of pilgrimage and religiosity as a whole. He seeks the light of Islam but avoids the heat. The heat is the true responsibility of one’s religion. He may be exemplifying a psycho-spiritual state called Spiritual Bypassing. Spiritual bypassing, a term first coined by psychologist John Welwood in 1984, is the use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with our painful feelings, unresolved wounds and developmental needs. It is much more common than we might think and, in fact, is so pervasive as to go largely unnoticed, except in its more obvious extremes. Part of the reason for this is that we tend not to have very much tolerance, either personally or collectively, for facing, entering, and working through our pain, strongly preferring pain-numbing "solutions" regardless of how much suffering such "remedies" may catalyze. For your husband, it may have become a habit of turning away from what is painful as a kind of higher analgesic with seemingly minimal side
- 64 - effects. It is a spiritualized strategy not only for avoiding pain but also for legitimizing such avoidance in ways ranging from the blatantly obvious to the extremely subtle. Spiritual bypassing is a very persistent shadow of spirituality manifesting in many forms often without being acknowledged as such. Aspects of spiritual bypassing include:  Exaggerated detachment,  Emotional numbing and repression,  Overemphasis on the positive,  anger-phobia,  Blind or overly tolerant compassion,  Weak or too porous boundaries,  Lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead  of emotional and moral intelligence),  Debilitating judgment about one's negativity or shadow side,  Devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual,  Delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being Your husband does exemplify some of these traits as you described; he gets angry whenever you point out his lack of religious responsibility as a husband. It is important to be aware of this content and try to seek what your husband’s deeper pain is. Why is he so stuck on over performing
- 65 - rituals rather than taking proper care of his family? There is something deeper perhaps that he is trying to compensate or avoid. Lastly, I encourage you to seek couple’s counseling in your area to help the two of you develop necessary relationship skills such as conflict resolution. Supplement this by mediation from different Imams to help guide your matter of finances and marriage rights.
- 66 - Our Needs Are Endless AssalamuAlaykum, I'm living in Kuwait with my husband and a 2-year-old son. We've come here to work and save some money to go back and settle in India as soon as possible. But my mother-in-law wants me to stay in India, so that my husband will save more money and go back to India in 4-5 years. However, I think the needs are not limited in today's world, and he has to be in Kuwait, in sha' Allah, until our children grow up and get married.
- 67 - I love to be with my husband wherever he is for Allah has blessed him with a very good heart and manner, alhamduliAllah. I feel guilty for not listening to my mother-in-law's words, and I'm afraid to be questioned on the Day of Judgment about not taking care of my in-laws and being selfish living my life with my husband and child. My mother-in-law is also dissatisfied with my husband for he has taken me and our child to Kuwait, despite he has a great respect for her. I feel very guilty and that it's all because of me. I wish my husband gets a good job in India so that we all live together, in sha' Allah. Please tell me, shall I stay with my husband in this situation? Answer by Hawaa Irfan As salamu ‘alaykum warahmatullahiwabarakatuh my dear sister, In today’s world, sometimes we can tread a very fine line between Islam and culture, and even culture can be defined in weak terms if we reflect on the culture of our grandparents, and what we call ‘culture’ today. We far too often confuse ‘need’ with ‘want’. Need is a place to live, people to live with, food to eat, clothes to wear, and enough money to pay our bills so that we may be away from debt. It is said that Imam Sadiq (8th century A.D whose students included ‘Abu Hanifa, Malik ibnAnas, and Jabir ibnHayyan) presented to his guests sweet meat and porridge, whereas at other times he presented them with olives and bread. A person advised that if he managed his affairs
- 68 - with prudence and foresight, he would always be consistent, and thus he would be able to entertain his guests in the same manner at all times. The Imam answered: “The management of affairs lies in the Allah’s hands. Whenever He grants us, we cater for our guests and ourselves liberally, but whenever He restrains our livelihood, we too adjust our lives accordingly.” The rizq (means of sustenance) of your husband might be for a long time in the country in which he works, or a short time. It could come to an abrupt end, and your husband may have to look elsewhere. His rizq might be with his current field of work, or it might be elsewhere in your home country, and in another field. If any of these changes were to occur, how would you react? If ‘needs’ as you define them are without limit, then so too is the need for love, companionship, and guidance. These are the limitless needs of our children, who need both parents. Did you marry your husband so that he could spend most of his life away providing for everyone back home? Does your husband not need companionship of a wife? Do your children not need the love and guidance of a father? And then of course, there are your needs. Abu Huraira reported that a person said to Prophet Muhammad (SAW): Who amongst the people is most deserving of my good treatment? Prophet Muhammad said: “Your mother”, again when asked, “Your mother”, again when asked, “Your mother, then your father, and then the nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness) (Muslim 032: #6181) There is a reason your husband wants the both of you working in the
- 69 - Middle East, and a reason he wants to return home as soon as possible. Your mother-in-law may very well be a part of the reason, if not the whole reason. Given this, you need to let your mother-in-law know this. Although your mother-in-law misses her son, he is doing the best he can, and he needs you to help him, in sha' Allah. If you remain unsure, make Istikharah (prayer for guidance) and let Allah (SWT) be your guide. Bear in mind that it might be a false hope that the financial situation would improve greatly if you worked there given that the daily expenditures would increase with you and the children being present. In addition, there would be additional costs if you had to find day care (and eventually schooling) of some kind for your son. If you do decide to join your husband, just remain in constant touch with your mother-in-law, as much as it is possible until such time you can be with each other again, in sha' Allah.
- 70 - My Husband is without a Job Salam. My husband and I live in Australia for one and a half years. Before I came here, I used to live in the US. Right now, I am studying Masters of Social Work. The problem I am presenting has to do with my husband. With the grace of Allah, we both try to be pious; we have performed Hajj and Alhamdulillah we try to live our life according to our religion. I have experienced hardships in life such as the death of my only young brother, the death of my son and my father, and various other enormous hardships. With the grace of Allah, I have been able to finally get the opportunity to fulfill my dreams and study to get a higher degree. Now, my husband is not able to find a job. He has been trying for all these times, but for some mysterious reasons he cannot find any. Masha' Allah, I got some knowledge in psychology and Islam and I can
- 71 - completely understand that this hardship might be a trial for us. We pray tahajjud (night prayer) and always ask Allah's help. Now, we have run out of money and he is desperately looking for job. All others who came with us got jobs and are well settled now. We are wondering to our dismay and frustration that what sins my husband has committed as Allah said that we face trouble in life because of our deeds. I am not saying that my husband and I are angels, but we want to find a way out of this. He has been subhanAllah the best husband in this earth. He loves and supports me such a way my parents did. I am heavily distressed because of this situation. I need some suggestions and insights. What shall we do? My husband was a banker in my country and got MBA from a university in the UK. We do not want to be proud and my husband is willing to do any job to support my study. Can this be some sort of a curse? Otherwise, everyone gets job, why can't he? Please advise me. Salam. Answer by Hawaa Irfan As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister, It is an honor to hear of such a marital relationship that despite the odds, you have been there for one another on all levels. We pray that the stressful situation which you find yourselves in does not get the better of
- 72 - you, insha’ Allah. Your marital relationship demonstrates how much compassion plays a role in surviving and overcoming life challenges. This care and attention that you give to each other should not be trivialized by any means. However, as you said, your circumstances can be enough to unsettle anyone, for without land to supply your basic needs one can be made destitute. The blessings of the country in which you live is that they do provide social income support, but still there is nothing more honorable than earning your own sustenance. Given the current economic crisis and how much the banking institutions have played a role in this economic malaise, it is not surprising that your husband finds difficulty in finding a job. It is not only in times of crisis like these that one should have many interests and hobbies, but in general one should have more than one hobby because only Allah (SWT) Knows where our rizq (sustenance bequeathed by Him) lies. I always refer to a headmaster of a school who once held an assembly for his senior students. He instructed them to have many interests and hobbies, because even if they are successful in getting the desired grades and succeed at university in their chosen field, only Allah Knows where theirrizq lies. He then went on to share a story about one of his friends who could not find work after achieving his degree in engineering. His friend turned to his love of carpentry to occupy him, and from that love, he made ornate pieces of Arabesque furniture. Now, his friend is happy, doing what he loves, and he earns a good living from it as he now runs his own business.
- 73 - What does your husband love to do? If your husband does not know, through voluntary work he can discover his other strengths, skills, and passions. By not feeling that he has been hard done by and keeping his experience to himself, he can overcome much. He is not alone as much as he feels that, therefore it is important that he does not behave as if he is alone otherwise he will cut himself off completely. Maybe this is what Allah (SWT) knows is better for him, for you, and your family in sha' Allah. If you can go on social income support for a short period, or if he can do odd jobs until he discovers his others talents, this would help to bridge the gap that you so rightly fear. In addition, if you can help out in some way with a part-time job, this would ease the pressure somewhat.
- 74 - Facing Hardships Because of Loan I and my husband work together. A part of my husband's income goes to his parents and I have no problem with that. My husband wishes to invite his parents to the UK to meet them as it’s been 2 years now, but he got no money to meet extra expenditure. He borrowed money for our marriage and after marriage. I have seen him and myself facing hardship for loan. Now my fear is that he will again borrow money to invite his parents and I asked him not to borrow any more money. I advised him that if he can manage in his own expenses, it's better. Last
- 75 - day, we had a big fight and my husband told me that I was not happy and I never said to him not to worry, all would be fine. So, it looks to him I'm not happy by inviting his family. Please, tell me whether I am right to tell my husband not to borrow or land money for his parents. Answer by Dr. Mariam Bachmeier As-Salamu ‘Alaykum, Thank you for writing in with this problem. It is laudable that you are concerned about your husband getting into debt and are trying to prevent further problems in your life. May Allah make the matter easy for you both in sha’ Allah. There are a number of things that I suggest you and your husband consider; but try and do this in a context of problem solving. By this I mean don’t wait to have an argument and then discuss it; rather, make a separate time for the topic and be practical and non- aggressive. Essentially, what you can do is inform your husband about the Shar`iah obligations around avoiding debt and look at practical solutions to repay what you owe already. It is clear in the Islamic law that debt is not advised as a way of life. It is reported that debt was one of the things from which Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) sought refuge with Allah as is shown in this well-known du`aa’: "O Allah, I seek refuge with You from worry and sorrow, humility and negligence, stinginess and cowardice, debt and domination of the people." (Al-Bukhari) This is something you and your
- 76 - husband should recite. Indeed, when the Prophet (peace be upon him) was sent a marriage proposal by Hadrat Khadija, he hesitated first because he had no money, so how could he marry? This is the example we need to follow, i.e., awareness at the outset of one’s financial situation. We can infer from this that we need to avoid debt at the outset and be as self-reliant as possible. In fact, the seriousness of debt is clearly illustrated in the Sunnah where Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) refused to offer funeral prayers for those people who had not left behind the property to pay back the debt. Therefore, taking and living with debt is not something we should consider acceptable. There is undoubtedly less barakah (blessing) in a life built on debt than without. (This is not made less serious simply because the debt is to a friend and not a bank or vice versa). We live in an age where loaning money is seen as a trivial thing because everyone is in debt (or so it seems) especially where we loan from banks which make it seem uncomplicated. But banks do not connect loans and debts to the akhirah (hereafter); rather, banks encourage us to live our lives through reliance on debt. So again, it is a good thing that you are questioning your husband’s behavior and reminding him of the alternatives. This is not to say that it is easy to live without borrowing money. Sometimes, life events cannot be predicted and, of course, there may be unexpected expenses one must manage. But the basic point here is that we should borrow as little as possible rather than consider living with debt as the first port-of-call.From a Shar`iah point of view, the key is that one must have an intention to pay
- 77 - it back. Thereafter, one must work toward this. Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) said, "The man who borrows with the intention to pay it back, Allah pays it from His own side." (Al-Bukhari) Of course, that does not mean that one must rely on this and make no personal effort to pay it back because Allah will do so! The honest, sincere and pure intention must be there. This seems obvious but often sadly people loan from others and are not concerned about returning it or thinking about a re-payment plan.It is clearly morally dubious to live one’s life expecting they can rely on others to pay for their lifestyle; and as a community, we need to support each other to re- consider our spending. You mention weddings and this is a major cause of misery and financial waste; yet, as a community, people are expected to throw lavish weddings irrespective of cost and affordability. This is why we must support each other in this endeavor. I suggest you sit with your husband and discuss the following options. I do not suggest that you try to deal with the debt yourself because, primarily, it is his responsibility to repay what he has loaned, as he is the ‘shepherd’ of the house as the husband is described in hadith. Practically, there are number of things you may consider:  Is there an option for your husband to visit his parents instead of his parents coming? This would be one way to reduce expenses as of course one ticket would be cheaper than two.  One way to make your husband feel you are supportive rather than suggesting he does not borrow (and make him feel you do not want his parents to come), why not offer a solution to the
- 78 - debt so he feels there is way for him to repay it. For example, think about how you can reduce expenses of daily living to help pay off a little of the debt at a time or at least have a payback plan where you agree to put aside some money each month and repay the debt. An easy way to do this is to take some out of your weekly spending before you spend rather than wait and see what is left. With the remaining money, you should work to minimize your spending rather than think that you are able to spend it all because that is your allowance. You will be surprised how much money we spend unnecessarily and how much we can adjust and save when we have to. If you feel that you have a pay-back plan, then you will feel more able to manage this debt issue constructively in sha` Allah.  Sister, many times women expect their husbands to be the strong one, but there is no gender expectation or obligation! It is about personal characteristics and sometimes it is you who must be the strong one. If it makes your husband feel better to hear you tell him that things will work out, then do this alongside the practical advice of repayment as mentioned above. There is no need for arguments over money as Imam Ghazali reminded us, “Money should remain in our pocket books (wallets) and not in our hearts.” This is a practical problem and you should treat it as such.  The decision to invite your parents-in-law should simply be considered in this context as with all other things; and the consequences should be weighed up carefully. There is no right or wrong option because one must never forget one’s obligations to
- 79 - one’s parents. Simply, remind your husband about issues surrounding debt and, since it is his parents, let him make the choice. Any consequences are for your husband to manage and account for with your advice in mind. May Allah The Sustainer open the doors to ease for your husband and may He al Jami` (The Gatherer) heal the rift between you speedily.
- 80 - My Husband Just Uses Me Dear Counselor, I am getting very frustrated with my husband. He is extremely calculative and expects me to share all finances, and in fact more! I've asked many times that I'm willing to settle for a smaller house and be a housewife, but he wants me to work so that we have more money. I don't mind contributing to the household for the benefit and comfort
- 81 - of all of us, but he questions me too much and is unhappy when I pay for my younger brother's items or spend some money on my mum. Whenever he realizes he is paying more for certain things, he gets angry and violent. At this stage, most of the expenses are shared. I am forced to share for items I'm not interested in like some computer equipment, camera gadgets, etc. and he will throw his tantrums if I refused. But when I wanted to buy toys, or clothing for our son and expects him to share, he would refuse, citing I'm the one who wants to buy. My husband is very aggressive, and mentally, it is torturing trying to predict his reaction and behavior. I have tried unsuccessfully advising him that he has the duty to provide for the family, but he feels that everything must be shared! He only wants to spend on himself and not even his parents. I could understand that this behavior may be due to his poor upbringing, but he refuses to see a counselor whenever I suggest that to him. I am getting very tired physically and mentally, and not sure how long I could last. Sometimes, I regret getting married. Apart from money issues, he also expects me to clean the house, iron his clothes, prepare food, bathe and clean our son. He gets angry when I finish my work at home and not spending time with our son. I really feel that he is unreasonable and making use of me. I don't think I love him anymore. Could I have some advice, please? Thank you.
- 82 - Answer by Hawaa Irfan As Salamu `Alaykum to you my sister, You feel tired physically and mentally, you think your husband is being unreasonable and making use of you, and you think that you don't love him anymore. Well, I am not surprised. Simply, your husband is behaving like a spoilt child, but it does not mean that you should treat him like one. At the same time, Islam should not be confused with the belief of many Christians where the story of Adam and Eve blames Eve as a symbol of women for the fall of man. You are correct that he has a duty to provide for his family, which is the opposite of what he is doing, i.e. providing for himself. In Islam, we are advised quite clearly. A husband and a father is responsible for his household, and any income that a wife earns is hers as her responsibility is on the maintenance on the home and the moral, physical and mental development of the children. To be obliged to do both creates personal conflict as many women today claim. ("Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient…") (An-Nisa 4: 34) ("… consort with your wives in a goodly manner in a goodly manner, for if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something which God might yet make a source of abundant good") (Nisa 4:19)
- 83 - "…Some (women) visited my family complaining about their husbands (beating them). These (husbands) are not the best of you…(Is it not a shame that) one of you beats his wife like (an unscrupulous person) beats a slave and maybe sleeps with her at the end of the day” (Riyadh el- Saliheen p. 137 –140). "Both genders are recipients of the "divine breath" since they are created with the same human and spiritual nature (nafsin-waahidah). -Scholar, Jamal Badawi You referred to your husband's upbringing as the reason for his behavior, and given the fact that he does not like spending on either your parents or his, it would seem that you are correct. Sometimes, we need to change the environment to trigger the action of growth. It seems you have done everything to address the balance in your marriage, except one thing: practice what you preach. When someone cannot be advised, or refuses to accept help or see a counselor, then that person is not ready to change. Frankly, the surest way towards that change is to change the environment by changing the status quo. Firstly, it is for you to decide, what would be best. Would it be best for you to work outside of the home and employ a servant/nanny to take care of the home and your son (knowing that this would reduce your influence over your son), or would it be best to stop working outside of the home?
- 84 - Don't forget: ("And Allah's is the East and the West. Therefore, whither you turn, thither is Allah's purpose, surely Allah is Ample-giving, Knowing") (Baqarah 2: 115) ("And when My servants ask you (Prophet Muhammed) concerning Me, then surely I am very near; I answer the prayer of the supplicant when he calls on Me, so they should answer My call and believe in Me that they may walk in the right way" ) (Baqarah 2: 186) (" You shall certainly be tried respecting your wealth and your souls, and you shall certainly hear from those who have been given the Book before you and from those who are polytheists much annoying talk…" ) (Alaay Imran 3: 186). The extent to which your husband loves money and views money as his partner in life is a form of shirk (polytheism). For his own good and the good of your family, he needs to realize that there is no good in this way of life. It can only provide him with a series of temporary pleasures, but it cannot compensate for what he really needs in his life. You say that you think you don't love him, which is probably a numbing process in reaction to his behavior rather than a dwindling love. So, make Istikharah to help guide you correctly on this matter. While you are waiting for clarity on which way to go, you can begin to ask your husband for help while you are doing something in the home. 'Dear.
- 85 - Please could you read to our son, I have to finish the laundry" If he refuses, then just say in a casual way, "Ah, well, I suppose the laundry can wait until next week!" Once the decision is clear, discuss it with your husband in a warm compassionate environment. Help him see that the situation as it stands is no longer plausible, and that you must act in the best interest of the family as a whole, including his parents and your parents. With your love and compassion as a guide, he might wake up to how wrong he has been. "The marriage which produces most blessing is that which involves least burden."(Al-Tirmidhi #605)
- 86 - Chapter IV In-Law Issues
- 87 - Don't Want to Live with In-Laws: Am I Selfish? As-Salamu‘Alaykum. I'm in a very critical situation now and need help. I'm a doctor and married for 2 years. My husband is an engineer and we have a cute little 5- months girl. I was raised Islamically in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. My husband was raised in a village in Bangladesh and has gone through many difficulties, but he has been working now in a company in a good position. After our marriage, he told me that his parents are in debts, so he always gives all the money for them, leaving very small amount for us.
- 88 - I've never complained about it. We live in my parents' house (in Bangladesh) in a city, because my in-laws' house was not comfortable for me in the village. When I was pregnant, I never asked my husband not to go to see his parents in the village; he went there every weekend. I also went sometimes. Now, after giving birth to our daughter and her getting strong enough, he is forcing me to either go to his village and live there or go every week with the baby. I stayed there seven days and told him that I would go again before 'Eid. But that was not enough for him. We wanted to rent a small flat only for us. At first, he agreed, because we need to be a real family now with our baby. But now he is blaming me, saying that I'm selfish. I just don't want to stay there, because it is a tiny shed house with a toilet which is far from the house. I'm not used to this environment, and now I am looking for a job also. Isn't it my right to stay comfortably, close to my job's area? Isn't it my right to leave my baby in a good place like in my mom's house while being at work? Am I really selfish that instead of staying there taking care of his mom and dad, I want to rent a home of our own in the city? He has a brother and his wife stays there and takes care of his parents. I've never said that I won't go there. I'll visit them in some weeks or months, but why is he telling me that I am selfish? He hasn't even paid my mahr(dowry) yet! Now, we're separated for some days without any
- 89 - communication. I really love him, but so annoyed by him. What shall I do? Am I wrong? Please help! Answer by Karim Serageldin As-Salaamu ’Alaykum sister, I understand your frustration and the concern you have for the well being of your family. Alhamdulillah you love your husband and want things to work for the better. Your matter is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is a matter of proper communication around each other’s needs and finding a balance in what each of you want. As a family, you have important values that need to be honored. In your case, there is a struggle between (a) taking care of parents (b) building a family in an environment with better opportunities for everyone Your husband, despite cultural norms, is supposed to prioritize his family (you and your daughter) over taking care of his parents. As you said, there is nothing wrong with visiting and supporting his parents. This is a good and kind act which God will reward, in sha ‘Allah. But it is imbalanced to uproot one’s family and even neglect them for taking care of one’s own parents; especially, if his parents already have another son nearby who can help with their affairs and needs more readily. If his parents were in critical health danger, then it may be more
- 90 - understandable. In Psychology, there is a common defense mechanism called ‘projection.’ Projection is when we see and name the negative aspects in ourselves in other people. The self deflects facing the wrongs in itself by accusing another person. It is possible your husband actually feels selfish about himself and all that he expects you to do. Instead of facing it in himself, he labels you as the “selfish one.” You feel frustrated and that this matter is becoming unjust, especially since you have tried your best to accommodate. Now, you have reached the point of feeling unappreciated and neglected. As much as this state feels bad, it is also a good warning sign that communication skills around asking for what we need must be attained. When we neglect each other’s needs and contributions, overtime we will build resentment and pain. Please seek marriage counseling if available. Get started on learning more on your own and try practicing skills to improve your marriage from researching online. Below are the resources to get you started on improving your communication skills and effectively voicing and meeting each other’s needs.
- 91 - Mother In-Law Is Destroying Our Marriage Please help me. My mother-in-law accused me of doing a lot of wrong things. She wants me to admit, for example, that I have been stealing from her, which I would never do. Therefore, my marriage is suffering, because my husband believes what his mother is saying and not what I say. I don't think things will be resolved. Is it ok to seek counseling to help us save our marriage? This Ramadan has been very hard for me; I feel like I have no peace at heart to continue fasting. I make du'aa' and continue praying that Allah helps me. Answer by Aliah Azme
- 92 - As-Salamu 'Alaykum sister, Thank you for sending us your question. I am sorry to hear about the predicament within your household. I ask Allah to help you, your husband, and your mother-in-law overcome this difficulty and all others, to give you all the courage to be open and honest with each other, and to uphold Allah’s word: "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin...” (4:135) It must be extremely difficult and frustrating to be accused of something over and over again that you haven't done. On top of that, you probably may feel hurt and betrayed that your husband does not stand by your side and stand up for the truth. Certainly in Islam, we are ordered to respect and obey our parents, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with respectfully advising them and correcting them if they do wrong, especially when it comes to oppressing others. Allah has ordered us to refrain from oppressing others and to stand up against oppression, as the above verse indicates. You have asked in your written question if it is acceptable for you and your husband to seek counseling. That is certainly the best investment you can make, and I highly recommend you do so. Seek marriage counseling even with a non-Muslim if a Muslim counselor is not available. We get treatment from non-Muslim doctors when we are ill, so certainly
- 93 - we should seek counseling for our personal and marital problems even if a Muslim counselor is not available. I ask Allah to give the both of you courage and perseverance to stand up for the truth, stand up for your marriage, and to find peace within yourselves once more in sha' Allah.
- 94 - Wife's Ultimatum: She or My Mother Dear counselor, I am in desperate need of help. I have been married for 13 years and have 2 kids (9 and 3 years old). My mother had to move in with us after my father had passed away. I have only one sister living in Bahrain with her husband and kids. She was with my parents for over 2 years at the time our dad was sick till
- 95 - mom came to Australia. My wife is a convert and does not get along with my mother at all. She blames her for everything from the day of our marriage till now. There was tension when mom came to visit us last time in 2005, but now since she arrived in 2013, the tension has risen so high that 1) my wife picks up on things like that my mother doesn't wash dishes properly when she washes, and doesn't look after the kids properly when she does. She thinks my mom only tries to help when she is around; she criticizes her perfume to be too strong, her cloths to be nicer than what she buys for me…etc. So she has an objection to everything.2) My mom, who arrived with high hopes, retaliated and made some mistakes. For instance, in an argument she told her that her parents should come in to her room to say hello to her; another time she told my wife that she had listened to her conversation, etc. Things became so bad that once my mom took back the clothes she had previously gifted to our kids. She said that she will not say sorry as it will not resolve anything, even though she knows that it was wrong to take the clothes back. Now, my wife doesn't want to be a Muslim or even like to be asked about it, and says that the kids should make their own choice. She does not want to go to any Muslim or non-Muslim marriage counselor; she blames everything on me and my mother. After our argument last night, she wants me to make a choice between
- 96 - her and my mother (who is currently in Pakistan). I have no idea what to do to. This last comment of hers can actually lead to killing in Pakistan; even people here in Australia do not take it as normal. We have been on the brink of divorce 3 times in the last 8 months since my mom is here. Every time she was the one who asked for it. After her comment, I am trying hard to find any respect for her in my heart. I am not sure whether my kids were happy living in this situation or if we would divorce and move on. Answer by Karim Serageldin As-Salaamu ’Alaykum brother, May God make it easy for you. The mother in-law vs. wife dual is a common problem in many families. Based on what you shared, you have to go to couples counseling if divorce is now on the table. You really need to consider if this marriage takes away more than it gives. It sounds like your wife’s understanding of Islam is fragile and this poses a challenge, because you will not have Islamic values as a mediation source for your issues. You are both arguing based on egos at this point, thus, it is imperative that you get professional support ASAP. Based on what you shared, I believe that the issues you have with your wife are extending to your mother, and the issues you have with your mother are extending to your wife. You must honor your mother, but if
- 97 - she is the type that meddles too much and tries to control your marriage, this must be worked on. If your mother constantly makes your wife feel inferior, then this problem must be addressed by you to your mother. If your wife does not have respect for her elders and has little patience for cultural differences, this should be addressed in counseling. Your wife might be using Islam and the kids as a way to punish and hurt you. This is pretty common in interfaith marriages that struggle; partners start threatening and blaming the religion and not the actions of the people. You are caught in a few challenges: Ego competition between mom and wife Both of them seeking loyalty, attention and validation from you Cultural and religious differences that mask personality shortcomings You will need to talk to your wife and your mother separately, and deal with the issues they face with each other. The blame game will not get anyone anywhere. Your mother can’t make your wife feel inferior and vice versa. Generally, you as a man need to step up and facilitate the following: - Do not allow little things to blow up; reduce tension as soon as possible and downplay the heat that either of them put into a small matter like “her perfume is too strong.”
- 98 - - Your wife and mother need more space during the visits - it’s not healthy to have everyone in the house all together with all this history. Take breaks and spend time with each of them away from each other when possible. - Speak well about them to each other; this should help the negative script they have change overtime. At this point, some white lies will not hurt you (and is Islamic as well.) - Try to support each of them to vent about the other away from each other while keeping a broader positive view and goal of family unity. - If you share between them what they say about the other, stop that immediately. - Advise both of them to be humble; remind them that no one knows everything and we should not be judgmental of others. We can all use character development as only God is perfect. - If your wife doesn’t want to do counseling, this is a serious alarm bell. Most of the time, it’s the woman who wants to do counseling to keep the family together. If she is totally opposed, this might mean that she is still really angry and wants you to suffer, or she has given up. Either way, give it time and compassionate efforts as mentioned above. You must start counseling on your own regardless of your wife’s
- 99 - involvement. InshAllah, your wife will follow if she sees that you are committed to make the family whole again.
- 100 - In-law Issue: I Want Some Privacy with My Husband! As-Salamu ‘Alaykom. I want to live an ideal life with my husband. I love him so much and I am always sincere. We live with my widowed mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. I respect them very much, but sometimes it really hurts when they neglect me as I always obey them. I am afraid if I complain, my husband would get hurt and will disrespect me or will not love me as he does now. I want to go somewhere to be alone with him. I need space, but he does not realize this. He doesn't have the feeling to go out for dinner with me, for example. All programs set by my mother and sister-in-law, but I want to go out alone sometimes with my hubby. I feel so depressed because of this. Alhmdulillah, I have all the blessings from Allah and I am scared if I complain, Allah won't be
- 101 - happy with me and I will go to Hell because I am not thankful enough. I am very depressed. Please, tell me what to do Islamically? Answer by Aliah Azmeh SalamuAlaikum Sister, Thank you for sending us your question. I am sorry to hear about your situation with your in-laws. I ask Allah to help you through this difficult situation and to change your relationship with them to the better. I am not an Islamic scholar so I will not be able to answer from a strictly “Islamic” point-of-view. However, I am a mental health professional and can answer you as such, and I am sure that my answer will not go against our religion’s teachings, insha’ Allah. It seems you have a positive relationship with your husband, but you are dissatisfied with the way things are done in your household. You mentioned that your mother and sister-in-law are in charge of the way the people of the house must live and act, but you have different opinions and desire to have separate time with your husband as a couple. You mention that you do not want to discuss your feelings with your husband, because you do not want to hurt his feelings. As a result, you continue to feel dissatisfied and “depressed.” Sister, the first thing I would suggest you is getting closer to your husband and truly nurturing your relationship with him. You mentioned that you
- 102 - have a positive relationship and that you love each other very much. Alhamdulillah for that! It is very fortunate that things are good between you and your husband because we often hear the opposite. Continue to nurture your relationship and certainly let your husband know how you feel about spending time with him alone outside of the house! Please do not shy away from telling him your feelings. I understand that you are afraid of hurting his feelings, but that means that it is fine for your feelings to be constantly hurt. As you have already experienced, the more you keep your feelings bottled up inside, the more frustrated and depressed you eventually become. Strive to become assertive, which means to seek a win-win situation when dealing with others. When discussing your feelings with your husband, certainly explain to him how you feel and also show him that you are opened to negotiation and compromise. If at first things don’t work out the way you want them to, try to make a compromise: for example, you all go out as a family, but you and your husband have some time alone to walk, shop, eat, etc. before rejoining with the rest of the family. Then hopefully with time things will get better and better. But things cannot change unless you try to do something about it. Speaking with your husband is certainly the first and most important thing you can do. Do not be ashamed of your feelings!
- 103 - Husband Considers Me His Mother's Servant What does the Qur’an say about looking after your mother in- law? My husband says that whatever facilities he gives me is just because I look after his mother as if I am a servant. I do not ever refuse to look after my children or my husband as well. There is a lot of pressure on me regarding this matter. I cannot manage to see my house and children properly. He thinks that I deserve any of his right only if I look after her. I know she is not well but I seek help from his two sisters who are so called “busy.” One is divorced and the other is a widow with no children. They are loaded. They just go out in the morning and come back in the evening. My husband is jobless. He is sometimes hesitant to give company to his mother. I cannot take more pressure; I have two
- 104 - children. Sometimes,I am rude to my mother-in-law and then the whole family turns against me including my husband. I can't even go out. I have to stay with her all the time. I am so upset but if I say something my husband gets ready to send me back to my parents. My sisters in laws stir him up as well saying that your wife should do "khidmat" (service). “She is here for this purpose. It is her duty not ours.”- They say. Answer by Abduallah AbdurRahman As-Salamu ‘Alaykum, Your question is really about your relationship with your mother-in-law. Based on what you have written to us, we would like to strongly suggest that you consider these alternative viewpoints. First, Islamic teachings do not make it an obligation for the wife to cook and clean. She may do so of her own free will and whatever service she performs in taking care of her husband and children is recorded as charitable actions on her part. Second, a wife must be considered as an equitable partner in her relationship with her husband. That means that she cannot be seen as the servant of the husband, the children or the in-laws. What your husband’s sisters are saying is not a teaching of Islam. A wife is not “here for this purpose” i.e. to cook and clean. It could well be the cultural
- 105 - understanding, but there is no sin in revising cultural practices that seem to oppress our sisters. Third, your husband needs to talk to his mother. It seems clear to us that he needs to be more involved in the picture. You need to talk to him about his own relationship with his mother. You also need to have your husband talk to his sisters. It is unimaginable that he and his sisters feel justified in neglecting their mother and the only person left to look after her is you. Let them know that their true service should be to their mother. A daughter-in-law is not brought in to “serve” the family. She serves Allah, her husband, and her family just as her husband serves Allah, his wife, and his family. Remind your husband that you become frustrated with his mother and that whenever and wherever possible, he should intervene, clarify and explain to his mother on your behalf. On the other hand, exercise patience yourself and not to become angry with her so fast. Try to treat his mother as your own mother, i.e. with respect and love and embark on revising your relationship with her. Finally, make lots of du’aa’ for Allah to help your immediate and extended family. As long as you keep the channels of communication clear with your husband, we believe insha’ Allah that in due time the overall nature of the family relationships will be much better. And Allah knows best.
- 106 - About our Counselors Karima Burns : Dr.Karima Burns has been counseling as a Home-path for over 9 years. From the U.S. she is a doctor in Naturopathy, a Master Herbalist, and teaches with inspiration from the Waldorf school. She uses art, health and education to heal others. She became interested in natural healing after ending her personal lifelong struggle with asthma, allergies, chronic ear infections, depression, hypoglycemia, fatigue and panic attacks with herbs and natural therapies. Hwaa Irfan Hwaa Irfan serves as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Hwaa worked as the managing editor of IslamOnline.net's Family and cyber counseling services. She is focusing on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms; Hwaa Irfan qualified in Four Directional Healing (the four ethers: fire, water, air and earth). Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah is a Research Fellow at the Institute for Social Science Study’s Community Education and Youth Studies Laboratory, Universiti Putra Malaysia. He received his B.A. from the University of
- 107 - Delaware (U.S.), his M.S. from Columbia University (U.S.) and his PhD from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies (PEKKA), Universiti Putra Malaysia in 2005 in the field of Youth Studies. Abd. Lateef is an American who has been living in Malaysia since 2001. He is married and has 2 children. Dr. Maryam Bachmeier Dr. Maryam Bachmeier is a clinical psychologist who has been working in the mental health field for over 15 years. She is also a published researcher, former adjunct professor at Argosy University, writer, and consultant to her Muslim community in 6 the areas of mental health, cultural, family and relationship issues, and more. Aliah Azmeh Aliah Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI. Dr. Razia B. `Ali Dr. Razia B. `Ali is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist qualified since 1992. She worked clinically in the NHS and the private sector as well as providing consulting services to the family courts and medico-legal firms. She has strong international academic links and considerable experience
- 108 - in cross cultural assessment and therapy. Abdullah AbdulRahman Abdullah AbdulRahman yb 1994, he had obtained his Masters and PhD in Social Work and has worked in the US as a licensed social worker since then. He has been active in the community, given lectures in Organizational Behavior and Islam and Management, and is experienced in student counseling, acculturation, trauma and depression. Dr. Abdullah has focused on counseling Muslims in non-Muslim countries, with special emphasis on life in North America, counseling adolescents, pre-marital counseling, online counseling for married couples and da`wah (inviting people to Islam). Karim Serageldin Karim Serageldin was born and raised in Massachusetts, he speaks Arabic and English. He earned a BA in Psychology and Religion, obtained an MA in Counseling Psychology, and is a certified professional life coach. He worked in educational settings for several years and currently has a practice called Noor Psychology. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship development, family dynamics and youth coaching.

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How To Make Your Marriage Work?

  • 1.
  • 2.
    © OnIslam.net 1435AH / 2014 AC All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without a prior written permission from OnIslam.net
  • 3.
    - 2 - Table of Contents Introduction ..................................................................................4 Chapter I: Communication Problems ............................................6 Cannot Get Along with My Husband ..........................................7 Husbands: Why Is It Hard to Be Cooperative? ........................11 My Wife Abuses Me ....................................................................17 Why Are Men Dishonest to Women? Whose Fault? ..............21 Chapter II: Sex/Intimacy-Related Problem..................................26 I Cannot Enjoy Intimacy with My Husband ..............................27 Married, But We Are Still Virgins! ............................................34 My Husband Doesn't Sleep With Me ........................................42 I Don't Feel Attractive to My Husband! ...................................46 How to Help My Husband Out of Porn Addiction? .................55 Chapter III: Financial Issues...........................................................59 I Must Pay For My Expenses besides Son and Studies ............60 Our Needs Are Endless ..............................................................66 My Husband is without a Job .....................................................70
  • 4.
    - 3 - Facing Hardships Because of Loan ............................................74 My Husband Just Uses Me ..........................................................80 Chapter IV: In-Law Issues ..............................................................86 Don't Want to Live with In-Laws: Am I Selfish? ......................87 Mother In-Law Is Destroying Our Marriage.............................91 Wife's Ultimatum: She or My Mother ......................................94 In-law Issue: I Want Some Privacy with My Husband! ......... 100 Husband Considers Me His Mother's Servant ...................... 103 About our Counselors ............................................................. 106
  • 5.
    - 4 - Introduction Marriage is not a game, nor is it an end in itself to be accomplished and then set aside. Marriage is a means for two people to better themselves through their love for one another and for their Creator. {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and
  • 6.
    - 5 - mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.} (Ar-Rum 30:21) Islam places much emphasis on marriage as the cornerstone of a thriving community. Muslims who “qualify” for marriage are encouraged to seek out spouses in order to fulfill half their deen. Everyone wishes for a happy marriage. But this is not something that comes easily. It takes lots of patience, self-discipline, and willingness to change and accommodate. Most importantly, it takes both partners working together to establish a healthy marriage. We need to invest time and energy to make a marriage work. We need to make a concerted effort. Once we have made our best effort, while placing our trust in God, a successful outcome is guaranteed insha’Allah. This eBook contains some of the most informative and powerful consultations provided by OnIslam’s professional counselors, collected in four areas where (Muslim) marriages struggle the most: communication, intimacy, financial problems, and issues with in-laws. We sincerely hope that this eBook will provide you with lots of help, useful tips, and guidance to achieve a harmonic and blessed marriage. Family & Society team
  • 7.
    - 6 -Chapter I Communication Problems
  • 8.
    - 7 - Cannot Get Along with My Husband Salams. I am in need of counseling. I am in a very critical situation of taking a decision about divorce as it's not getting along with my husband since the day we got married. (We're married for 6 years.) We don't have children. I am afraid to continue this marriage as well as to end it as Allah doesn't like divorce. My husband and me are not in touch for a whole month. I live with my parents and he lives with one of his siblings abroad. At this time, I want to devote more time to Allah, but unfortunately, I am not able to. I am in a great stressful period, but I am still not able to connect to God. I pray obligatory prayers just for the heck of it. I am sure that if I get devoted to Him completely, He will guide me to the right path and help me in this situation. How can I become more pious? Furthermore, I lose my temper very fast and get so uncontrollable anger. I am shouting and yelling; Satan is –
  • 9.
    - 8 - within me. How can I manage my anger? It is not good for a lady to get angry like this. It is also one of the reasons for my marriage problems. Could you please advise me to solve these issues? I want to increase my knowledge about Islam (particularly in Islamic history and hadith), but I am not able to focus. What to do? Thanks, Answer by Karima Burns As-Salamu ‘AlaykumwaRahmatullahiwaBarakatuhu, The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said, "The honored women before Allah (SWT) are those who are obedient to their husbands and remain within the boundaries of their homes." In the Qur'an it says: {Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the joy and the comfort of our eyes, and guide us to be models of righteousness.} (Al-Furqan 25:74) If you are not able to meet your husband's needs in the terms above and other terms of the marriage, then it would be kinder to him to accept a divorce, if this is what he would be happiest with. If you are, instead, committed to seeking solutions to the marriage problems you have and to your own problems, then this in itself is an act
  • 10.
    - 9 - of worship and devotion to Allah for, "The best Muslim is the one who is best to his family." (At-Tirmidhi) By meeting your husband's needs, you are also meeting many of your obligations to Allah. To worship Allah by performing one's duties to their family & society is an aspect of worship that should not be discounted. It is just as important as learning about Islamic history and Hadith. Returning to the question about how you can increase your knowledge of Islam and decrease your anger: You will only be able to do this slowly, with sincere effort, patience, and time. The Qur'an says: {Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere. } (Al Baqarah 2:153)" This is certainly true. In your enquiry I feel that you feel impatient about your situation. You are perhaps frustrated with your marriage and wish it could resolve quickly. You wish to be able to connect with Allah NOW and not later, and you want to be the person you dream of being NOW. However, ironically, this intense desire and impatience could actually increase your anger and make it hard for you to perform your religious duties. Make a list of the goals you want to reach and focus on achieving them in small steps, rather than all at once. Instead of focusing on never being angry, try to focus on decreasing your outbursts. If you have one outburst
  • 11.
    - 10 - a day, perhaps first you can focus on bringing that down to one a week. From there you can move on to other goals. The same goes to your desire to become more pious and learn more about Islam. You could start by learning one ahadith each day or by reading one chapter in a book about Islamic history every day. In sha' Allah, you will find peace by slowly walking the path of peace. {Be patient, for your patience is with the help of Allah.} (Al Isra' 16:127) You may strive as much as you can and your efforts will be rewarded. However, what you receive will ultimately be a gift from Allah: {To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills (and plans). He bestows (children) male or female according to His Will (and Plan)} (As Shura 42:49) and... {Say: O Allah, Lord of power! You give power to whom You please, and You remove from power whom You please. You give honor to whom You please and You disgrace whom You please. In Your hand is all Good. Indeed, over all things You have power.} (Ale Imran 3:26)
  • 12.
    - 11 - Husbands: Why Is It Hard to Be Cooperative? As-Salamu ‘Alaykum! Our beloved Prophet (PBUH) was a great leader, a great teacher, a great preacher, a Prophet, and he still had time and mood to be a great husband. Why is it so difficult for men to be cooperative with their wives in house chores? I'm a housewife but I work as well at a company (temporarily at home as a freelancer). I love my husband very much, Alhamdulillah, and generally, I'm happy with our marital life. But I think it could be improved, insha' Allah. Sometimes, I can't stop feeling that my two only functions are to clean the house (clothes, cooking, etc.) and satisfy him. Although, I feel I'm right, sometimes, I also feel guilty because of that. I want to believe that a woman can be more than that! True! Because of the lack of cooperation and these feelings, I started to become lazy on my house shores.
  • 13.
    - 12 - But I think it could be a lot easier for both if there was more cooperation. And I mean cooperation! I don't want my husband to do all the chores, just to help sometimes. Whenever I request him, timidly, he does "the annoyed face" and does some other chore that I didn't ask him to. Jazak Allah kahyran. Answer by Hawaa Irfan As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister, Yes, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was a great leader, teacher, preacher, and husband who helped with the household chores too, but guess what? There is only one Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). We can always compare what we have with role models and make ourselves pretty miserable. If everyone had the same experiences, and learnt in the same manner, and applied themselves in the same way to all aspects of life, it would be very dull life; don’t you think that? Al hamduLillah, Allah (SWT), got it right on our behalf, and provided us with variety. As much as 21st century man has tried to make everything the same between the sexes, somehow in real terms, it just does not quite translate! The reason why it does not translate is because we, as humans, like to re-write the rules without considering the consequences.
  • 14.
    - 13 - What was the above all about you might be thinking. Well, it would seem that because you go out to work, and you work at home as well you expect your husband to do the same. However, Allah (SWT) did not design the whole creation thing in that way, and made husbands and fathers the providers as stated in the Qur’an. This does not mean that only men can go out to provide, it means that it is their responsibility to provide. For wives it is a choice Islamically speaking, albeit that there might be a decision by both husband and wife that the wife should/could go out to work. What your husband earns is for the benefit of the family, and what you as the wife earns is at your discretion. If your income is for the benefit of the family, it is because it is a decision made by the both of you. Having no knowledge of what your husband’s occupation is, in general, men do like to return to the sanctuary of home which should balance out the demands of the outside world. Before you blow steam, yes, you too have a demanding job both at home and at work. However, do you carry over the work mind set into the home? For example, if you have people working with you and under you, do you talk to your husband in the same manner in which you talk to them? Your day may be full of set of instructions and orders in order to keep on top of the work, but by the time you return home, that social psychology should be left at the company you work for. When you arrive home you should be the wife, the friend, the sister who your husband
  • 15.
    - 14 - looks forward to being with at the end of his working day. To enable this, you have to slow down as well. Take a look at the things you do when you get home and make a list of them all, then prioritize them. The color code them into most important, less important, and can wait. The chores that need to be done every evening (most important), look at them again, and see how you can schedule you in! Schedule you in? Yes, by doing this you will provide yourself with the opportunity to unwind, to slow down, and to relax enough to be there for yourself, and for your husband. Less important tasks can be set for 2/3 time weekly, and least important once-a-week. Take that long shower or a hot bath, put some nice smelling oils in, and then put on something comfortable. Do your prayers on time, and give thanks for what you have. Make du’aa’ that you will always understand and appreciate each other Prepare the kind of meal that is good for the both of you, but does not require you to be in the kitchen all throughout. Prepare the meal based on what you have. This helps to avoid unnecessary panic for an ingredient, which results in a tiresome stint to the shops.
  • 16.
    - 15 - If your husband is present and has some time to unwind, invite him to share in the preparation of the meal with you. The time could be used to talk about light subjects, and even share laughter. While the meal is cooking, relax and do some reading. If your husband is at home, sit and talk with him – share your day, or talk about something more interesting to the both of you. The washing does not have to be done every day. The cleaning can be kept to a minimum, especially if the home is not cluttered with furniture and furnishings. If you need your husband for something, invite him, e.g. “Could you help me to…” which goes much farther than an order. Invite your husband into the kitchen to help set the table, dish out the meal, etc., with you. Allow for each the time a little privacy or quiet moment. Shop for a week instead every time you run out of something. This can be done together, take turns, or he is responsible for certain types of shopping, and you other types of shopping. With time on your hands, you might even be able to visit a friend, a relative, or attend an event together.
  • 17.
    - 16 - Most importantly, do not do the same thing every evening; otherwise routine will get the better of your marriage. Always ensure that there is something that you can both do together. Dear sister, have a happy life!
  • 18.
    - 17 - My Wife Abuses Me Please, could you help me resolve this issue? I have been married for nearly 16 years and have a lovely family with 5 children. Recently, I have been having problems with my wife on a number of issues. First, she screams and yells a lot at me and the kids over small things, and when I try to discuss it with her, she blames it on me. Secondly, I have asked her several times not to watch movies that are 18 rated as our children are under 16, when I try to talk about this issue, she says she is a mother and knows what's best for the kids.
  • 19.
    - 18 - Third, when I sit down with the kids to teach them i.e. reading/ writing, she always finds faults in what I do, like the material I'm teaching is too hard or they don't want to learn. Fourth, when I discuss religious issues with her, if she disagrees she will shout back or yell in front of the kids and shows disrespect. Fifth, she doesn't encourage the kids to pray but rather, shouts at them. Recently, we were staying with my parents where there were so many problems between my mother and wife so we finally moved into our own home. I thought then it was because of my parents, although we only stayed for 11 months. About a week ago, we had a similar episode of disagreement and my wife started to show disrespect by shouting and raising her voice. I tried to calm her but she continued in front of the kids and made me feel very uncomfortable. So I walked away to another room, then I later decided to stop sharing the bed with her, and the next day I stopped eating the food she cooked. After 3 days she realized I was avoiding her, it was quite obvious. She came to talk to me but she still had the attitude, she put it like this, "have you calmed down now?" Again, making me feel it's my fault, so I spoke to her and explained what she has been doing and for that reason I will not share her bed or eat her food for 7 days.
  • 20.
    - 19 - She went mad and said if I can do this she will do it too. Now the 7 days have ended I tried to talk to her to make things better, but she says she is quite happy the way things are and she wants to do the same to me. She won't let me touch her or talk. Now please can you advise me on what to do next? Also, please could you correct me; did I act according to Islam? Or did I do wrong, what is my position in Islam? Can she deny me to touch her? I haven t told my family (parents) about this yet. Answer by Karima Burns Wa ‘Alaykum Salam, She Wants to Communicate with You Very Badly She has some needs she wants to share with you and some things she wants to say. It seems she has been unable to express these for some time so she may feel very angry and resentful at first and may express herself in hurtful ways when you first listen to her. It would be best to seek counseling if you can. This would provide you both with a safe and neutral place to communicate. If you do not have access to a counselor then it would be helpful to listen to her (without offering advice, becoming defensive, criticizing or taking anything personally) and remember, while you are doing it, that you will
  • 21.
    - 20 - need to be very patient initially as she has been trying for some time so her initial conversations will be more angry. As time goes on and she feels safer and safer to communicate, her anger will dissipate and she will be able to express herself more clearly. As you become more aware of ways in which you make it hard to communicate, you will find it easier to forgive her outbursts and will spend more time focusing on how you can be a more receptive husband. Focus on what the core issue is here - a couple's need to communicate - and think about what you can do to make this happen. Walking out or refusing to speak or sleep with your spouse will not help this situation. Communication Comes in Many Ways Sex is a method of communication in marriage - especially for the man or woman who communicates on a physical level better than on a verbal level. Cooking can also be a form of communication and can be a way that a wife expresses love for her husband. Focus on keeping as much communication open as possible.
  • 22.
    - 21 - Why Are Men Dishonest to Women? Whose Fault? Why are some men dishonest to women? Is there any lacking that women have? Or is it the men who are sick? Answer by Dr. `Abd.Lateef Krauss Abdullah
  • 23.
    - 22 - As-Salamu `Alaykum, Dear sister, thank you for your short but very important question. I’m not so sure how to answer you, in fact! Yes, it’s true that men can be dishonest at times, especially when it comes to dealing with women. Lately, it seems as though the number of cases of men being dishonest with their wives, for example, is greater than ever, but of course, we don’t have statistics on the matter. A Growing Culture of Dishonesty In my view, there is indeed a growing culture among people in general where basic character that involves being honest, keeping one’s word, fulfilling promises, etc. is no longer of much importance. When I grew up, ‘keeping one’s word’ was an important cultural norm. When you said something or made a promise to someone, you did your utmost to keep it. However, today, lying and cheating has become commonplace making it much more difficult to trust others. When these basic practices of good character fall by the wayside, it has very negative repercussions on general relations between people and in society. How do people live with one another if they feel that they cannot trust each other? It’s very unhealthy.
  • 24.
    - 23 - It’s difficult, of course, to say that men are more dishonest than women. Such a claim has not been ‘proven’ with any scientific data that I know of. As such, it is only what we perceive and, although it may be true, it is difficult to make such a claim. Communication Problem Between Spouses In the context of marriage in general, however, clearly, at least in the society where I currently reside where divorce between Muslims is at an all-time high, there are very deep concerns as to how husbands and wives get along. There are many cases of adultery and all that it comes with, which usually includes deception, lying, and many other negative behaviors. Of course in the case of extra-marital affairs, it takes two – a man and a woman – to do it, so we cannot only blame the men. Generally, I think we are seeing a negative trend related to the institution of marriage itself, which is very troubling, as well as the problem with akhlak (manners) among Muslims in general. Generalization is Unjust In any situation, I don’t think it is fair just to assume that men are dishonest and the cause of all the problems. Every situation is unique and we should try to understand it fully before passing any judgments on people.
  • 25.
    - 24 - It becomes too easy just to automatically blame men for the problems we are seeing. Have we asked the men for their views, their opinions on the matter? As Muslims it is very important to do that before drawing conclusions. We should always seek to obtain all the facts in a situation before drawing conclusions. No, Dishonesty is not Inherent in Men So, to answer your question, I would say that no, there is nothing inherent in man’s makeup that causes him to be more dishonest than women. I think we are living in a time, however, where basic human character is not strong, where things like honesty and keeping one’s word are not given high value; and in many societies, especially developing and under-developed nations men are having a very hard time simply being men. Put Yourself in Men’s Shoes What I mean is that it is a time where it is even hard for men to find a stable job where they can support their families. So, there are economic challenges as well, which men will feel more than women because of their sense of duty and responsibility to provide for their families. We tend to overlook this fact when discussing relations between men and women.
  • 26.
    - 25 - Women are advancing with leaps and bounds in terms of education, for example, which is good, but what is the effect on the men? When men start to fall behind, as they are doing in the country where I reside, what is the impact on them? How do they react? We have yet to answer this question. Needless to say, there are many things to consider in trying to answer your question, but it is an important one that we should all be thinking about.
  • 27.
    - 26 -Chapter II Sex/Intimacy-Related Problem
  • 28.
    - 27 - I Cannot Enjoy Intimacy with My Husband As-salamu 'alaykum. I have been married for almost a year and a half now to a wonderful man, whom I love, but there is one problem in our marriage, which I have had from day one - I am unable to enjoy the physical side of our relationship with my husband. I have never been able to enjoy it or feel what other women feel. To me, it is like an act or chore that has to be done, and I do not want to feel like that. After our wedding, we had a lot of trouble consummating the marriage and I felt quite a lot of pain. After a few visits to the doctor, it
  • 29.
    - 28 - seemed that my hymen was too thick, so they performed a small surgery to have it removed. After the surgery, I thought that things would be better, but the pain was still there. In fact, the pain was so intense that I would sometimes scream. The only difference was after the surgery that my husband was able to fully enter, but I still felt the pain, and I was unable to enjoy anything. I returned to the gynecologist and she told me that it is normal to feel a bit of pain at first, and that it would get better in time. After a few months, the pain wasn't as bad and it has gotten easier, but the only problem is that I cannot feel anything remotely pleasurable with my husband while being intimate. I have tried many ways to get me in the mood with no success. It is affecting our relationship in that aspect, and I feel depressed about it. I do not know what the problem is or why I am like this. Why am I unable to be satisfied? I feel that it is unfair and that I am missing out on a gift that Allah has given to us. I do pray to Allah to help me. Please advise me on what I should do as like I said, I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about my situation. I appreciate your help and support. May Allah bless you. Answer by Hawa Irfan
  • 30.
    - 29 - As-Salamu my dear sister, Al hamduLillah that you have married a man with whom you are happy, and may you remain so for each other in sha' Allah. Chronic Vulvar Pain (Vulvadynia) is not easily detected, and can also cause the kind of pain that you have been experiencing, which occurs prior to intercourse. The cause identified so far is inflammation of the vestibular gland. The most successful treatments are those given for mood disorders because of the neurotransmitters present in the gland, which indicates a psychological association, and studies show this to be the case as it pertains to physical intimacy. Exercises that pertain to learning how to relax the pelvic floor muscles increases trust with part of your body. Kegel's exercise is very successful in this regard when one is properly instructed, but there is nothing to say that this is what you have, but serves only as an indication that there could be other probable causes. Because your experience of physical intimacy with your husband has been a painful experience, you are psychologically wired so to speak to expect pain and not pleasure, because you have learnt not to trust that you can. On the one hand, you want to be loved physically, you want the pleasure of the experience, but your past physical experience and your psychological associations are conspiring against one another – i.e. conflicting emotions.
  • 31.
    - 30 - Therefore, just as you have learnt to repress your feelings, you need to learn how to relax your feelings. There are many everyday things that we do to release anxieties, and I am sure you can think of a few, but have you released your anxieties? Exercise Make sure you are alone, and that no one will be disturbed by the noises you are going to make. Stand with your feet parallel to your shoulders. Close your eyes and focus your mind in your feet (until you can "feel" your feet with your mind, then your shins, knees, thighs, pelvis, hips, base of your spine, navel, back, arms, shoulders, neck, between your brows, and the top of your head. Now, take deep breathes in 1, 2, 3 and out 1, 2, 3 seven times. Place your mind in your feet, and exhale a sound (you are not singing but releasing energy through sound). Be warned, the sound might be ugly, or you may fail or feel uncomfortable the first time. Try again another time. You repeat the process of releasing the built up negative energy in your body through sound with your shins, knees, thighs, pelvis, hips, base of your spine, navel, back, arms, shoulders, neck, between your brows, and the top of your head. The uglier the sound the more negative stored energy is at that point of your body. Now how do you feel? Your body is not separate from your thoughts and your feelings. How you see your body reflects your relationship with it, and what it is comfortable
  • 32.
    - 31 - in doing. Top obstetrician and gynecologist, Christine Northrup gives the following steps on how to listen to your body: Note the things in your life that you are not happy with, and note how you react. (breathing, pulse, sweating, nervousness, etc.) Pay attention to what your body feels like; this is your inner guidance system. What is your self-image?  Pay attention to your thoughts and how they affect your body.  Note what your body needs on a daily basis.  Note what fears you have about your body.  Learn to Respect Your Body You cannot give your husband what you do not honor yourself. While your husband trusts and respects you, you are learning not to trust and respect yourself. A candle-lit bath with certain oils can go far in terms of relaxation of body and mind.
  • 33.
    - 32 - Aromatic Bath Rosemary Oil - It has been established that this oil reduces congestion in the lymphatic system - Is good for acne, eczema, dry skin and rejuvenates the skin. -Is a tonic to the heart - A stimulant the respiratory system and the metabolism - Acts an antiseptic A Calming Bath Use: Lavender/marjoram/chamomile A Stimulating Bath Use: Sage/rosemary/pine. An Aphrodisiac Bath Use: Ylangylang / sandalwood/ ginger/peppermint /pepper Try not to wear tight synthetic (poor rate of absorbency) clothing that can prevent that part of your body from breathing which can lead to irritation of the vulvar, because you are reducing the ability of that part of your body to respire.
  • 34.
    - 33 - Belly dancing is a form of treatment in some fertility clinics as the western woman increasing suffers from issues pertaining to the womb, and the reproductive system in general. Hatha yoga is also an ancient form that pre-dates Hinduism, and teaches much about one's body. All this time you have wanted to please your husband, but now – maybe, it is time for your husband to learn a little more about the subtle forms of intimacy that begins with words, looks, and may involve touch. In this way, you will give a chance to enjoy the moment, and he will learn what you need before, during and after a candle-lit bath!
  • 35.
    - 34 - Married, But We Are Still Virgins! As-salamu ‘alaykum. Thanks a lot for your efforts. We are seeking some enlightenment on our marital life from experts. We have been married for two years, al hamduLillah, happily and in harmony.
  • 36.
    - 35 - We are from two different cultures, but we are glad that our diversity is a source of enrichment rather than troubles. We live alone in a separate house and we both work. We share, talk and discuss all issues frankly regarding our marriage and intimacy and we don't have any barriers in this regard. The problem is that from the beginning of our marriage until today, we have not been able to successfully perform full sexual relations. We are still virgins. We have nice, lovely, romantic times, but we have not been able to achieve full sexual intercourse. We don't know why. My attitude in the beginning was "with love, time and more sexual experience, we would be able to manage it.” I thought we could learn it from each other on each other in a funny and loving way. My wife has been patient, understanding and cooperative and made great effort to prepare wonderful romantic scenes and so we have had lovely times. She is beautiful with her quality of patience. But with time, we both started to get worried being aware of the importance of successful sexual relations for a successful family life. I started to worry whether I’m really providing for her the love and intimacy she should find in marriage. Sexual satisfaction is her right as much as it's mine in the marriage. She kept telling me "women desires are different to men’s”... "…when I see you are happy I feel happy”... "I get pleasure by giving you the
  • 37.
    - 36 - pleasure". Can women be satisfied without full sexual relations? My wife thinks that she can't give me what each husband wants. To add to it, there are more worries about pregnancy and having babies. I really don't know why we can't have intimate relations. Every time we try, we just don't do it well, how to say, it just doesn’t happen (I don’t know how to phrase it more than that!) We have made fun a million times of ourselves and how this ‘operation’ is so difficult. Recently, I noticed that the light-sexual relations we have are not of any concern to my wife. I do understand her, and I don't blame her. From time to time she says like "What have I got from this - nothing”... "How will we get babies like that”… "What on earth is this ‘operation’ "... "I can't believe how all married couples do it". I love my wife very much and I really think I’m getting a red light and that I need to do something more than just having a positive attitude. I have tried to read, try different positions - it just didn't work. My wife convinced me to go to doctor who said that everything is fine just I should make more efforts. I don't know what effort I should make. We started recently to develop an attitude that "fine, we can live and survive like that and there is no harm". Can this be done: a successful and loving marriage without full sexual intercourse? Can we opt for artificial tube babies? Will this be harmful to my wife’s spirit and her psychology, because she can't have babies from a normal
  • 38.
    - 37 - sexual marital relation? What can we do to be able to overcome this test? I hope the info provided here is enough to shed light on the issue. If any info is missing please let me know. Thanks. May Allah best reward you. Answer by Karima Burns Dear Brother, With any healing situation, it is never a good idea to let the situation continue. Learn to deal with it. When people do choose to do this, they find that it only grows worse. If a person does not fix a broken leg immediately, the break heals wrong and the leg must be re-broken. If someone has pre-diabetes symptoms and they “learn to deal with them”, they may find themselves in a situation where they need to take insulin shots daily. If someone takes medication for depression, heart disease, anxiety or any other health situation and does not deal with the underlying causes of the problem, they will only get worse. You can, theoretically, try to compensate your situation by any of the solutions you listed above such as test-tube babies. However, this would be damaging to your wife’s emotional and physical health, to your marriage and to your health in general. It is helpful that you provided information and details on your situation. However, it would help to know some more details. It would also help to
  • 39.
    - 38 - hear what your wife says about the situation. It is hard to try to help a couple’s situation when there is only information from one person. I am also unsure of the exact nature of the problem. •Are you unable to complete the act of intercourse because you cannot maintain an erection? •Are you unable to complete the act of intercourse because you do not ejaculate? Or is there another reason? I did understand from what you said that in the beginning the situation may have been mutual, however at this point it sounds like your wife is ready to move forward and you have not been able to. However, I also understood that according to the doctor you have seen that you do not have any physical problems. Since I am not sure about the exact nature of the problem, I will suggest some solutions in each category. If you are unable to “perform” in some way, you could benefit from herbal therapy. Many men who do not have any visible physical problems have found herbs beneficial. Achieving an erection is complex. It involves psychological impulses from the brain, adequate levels of testosterone, a functioning nervous system, and healthy vascular tissue of the penis. If a doctor has stated that you are physically OK, then we can assume that you have been tested for testosterone levels and that your vascular tissue is healthy. However, I always recommend that people get a second
  • 40.
    - 39 - and perhaps even a third opinion when dealing with life altering health problems. Couples have been using herbal therapy for centuries to enhance physical relations. Yohimbe bark, damiana, ginseng, sarsaparilla, gingko and horny goat weed are all helpful in this area. Take capsules or tinctures of one of these herbs three times daily for 6 weeks. You should see improvement within ten days. Please check the contraindications for each of these herbs before taking them to make sure they are safe for you to take. You may also benefit from acupressure or reflexology. You can, as a couple, give each other reflexology treatments. When you are massaging each other’s feet, your wife should focus on putting pressure on the areas just below your ankle bones. This is the area of sexual stimulation for men. A session should last at least 15-30 minutes. When you are giving your wife a treatment, you can also massage the entire foot, and focus on the ankle areas. Another effective treatment is massage therapy. Instead of meeting for intercourse, you can have your wife give you a therapeutic massage and you can give her one as well. This usually works best if you give these on alternate days so you each have time to focus on the other person and are not spending time thinking about when it is your turn. So the effects of the therapy are not lost when the person who has been massaged has to suddenly get up and work at massaging the other
  • 41.
    - 40 - person. A massage session should last at least 30 minutes. If you add massage oils like sandalwood or ylang-ylang, this will help increase the effectiveness of the massage. •Are you currently taking any medications? Many medications can also cause trouble in this area. You may want to consider alternative therapies or an alternate medication. •If you are unable to perform in some way and the doctor’s only advice was “you need to try harder”, then you need to change doctors – it is not a mechanical process! If you are able to perform, but for some reason you do not enter your wife during intercourse, then you need to seek couple’s therapy at this point (paid counseling, through a free clinic, or a faith-based counselor). Your wife will also need to be involved in any solution you seek as, after two years, there will be a lot of issues that have been avoided for long enough that it would be a difficult task for a couple to tackle alone. Help from a third party who can speak to both of you together will help. However, if you are unable to find or afford any counseling, you will need to take some time each week that you set aside for each of you to talk about the situation. However, you will need to change the formula of the discussions you have been having because it is not effective. You will need to set a timer and allow each person time to talk about the situation for an equal amount of time. Anger and criticism should be avoided.
  • 42.
    - 41 - The topic should be focused on problems and possible solutions. If you seek help on the Internet, your wife should be with you during this time. This time together could be spent reading books on the topic and discussing them or simply on discussing how your wife feels or how you feel about the situation. I strongly suggest, however, that you have a third party help you through some of the first discussions - even if you can only afford a few sessions. What may have started out as a physical problem now involves emotions and psychological problems as well, so it will be more difficult now than before. It may be hard to understand why “after all this time” things are not better. However, it is actually the opposite. It is because of the time that has elapsed that it has become harder and harder to solve the problem. Because of this, you will both need to adapt an attitude about this issue that is new. You both cannot think of this issue as the same one that you had two years ago. It is not. You both cannot say you are “tired of dealing with this issue for two years” because you have not. What you are dealing with now is more complex. You will need to get very serious about solving the problem and deal with it on an emotional, physical and psychological level with all the options you can find. Herbs, reflexology, acupuncture and therapy can all help. However, the time to do something is now, before any more time passes.
  • 43.
    - 42 - My Husband Doesn't Sleep With Me We have been married for 2 years, and since the beginning we have this problem; he is never in the mood to make love with me. I have tried everything; I talked to him, begged him, and even reminded him of his duties as a Muslim husband, but nothing has worked. We have a son who is 11 months. He didn't touch me at all during my pregnancy. He said because he didn't want to hurt the baby, but after I delivered him, he still refuses it - sometimes for more than 2 months. I don't
  • 44.
    - 43 - know what to do. The only thing he tells me is that he's not in the mood. Answer by Karim Serageldin As-Salaamu’Alaykum sister, Firstly, it is important to remind your husband that you have relational rights on him, and he needs to develop the drive to meet your physical needs. Male and female are protectors and providers for one another. This is mentioned in the Quran (4:1 & 30:21) among other verses and ahadith. In Islamic law, there are positions when divorce is allowed to be requested by a woman who is neglected physically. This is a very important manner. Psycho-emotionally, there may be a few reasons your husband is unmotivated in this manner. Provided your situation and context, you should take this feedback and contemplate what may or may not be the case. These are simply educated guesses given by my experience as a psychologist. Are you in an arranged marriage? If so, it is possible that attraction and chemistry may not be there. Some arranged marriages are conducted due to family pressure or material solidarity. I have worked with people who married someone without
  • 45.
    - 44 - having attraction, thinking it will grow over time. Sometimes it does, sometimes it does not. If this is your case, it is important not to ignore this, and be open about improving this chemistry through strategies that can make each of you more desirable to one another. Past sexual trauma or abuse? People, who have had trauma around sexuality, their bodies tend to be blocked from enjoying sex or even approaching it. If your husband has had any events in his past like abuse, it is important for him to see a trauma therapist to overcome these blocks. Ignoring it will only make it worse. Suffering from SSA? Same sex attraction is a possibility. There are many reasons an individual may have SSA, and this will obviously distract the person from the opposite sex. Again, this requires a therapeutic process that should not be ignored. May not be a sexual person. Some of us are not as excited by sex as the general population. There are individuals who find sex repulsive and dirty. These individuals sometimes have obsessive-compulsive disorder towards cleanliness, and find it difficult to engage in such a physically vulnerable experience like sex. Not
  • 46.
    - 45 - being interested in sex can also be related to the reasons I mentioned above. Getting needs met elsewhere. When people are getting their sexual needs met elsewhere, they avoid sexual participation with their partner and show little interest. This can be due to affairs or usage of pornography. Pornography addiction numbs the sexual appetite and makes it difficult for the addict to get excited by actual sex, since real people, like a wife, will not have the novelty factor that pornography has. We must assume the best of your husband sister, yet now that you are aware of some of the reasons your sexual relationship is absent, start paying attention to clues and offer support if possible. There might be other reasons besides the ones I mentioned, so do not think it must be one of the above. Seek support from local sources like family or community centers. I understand that this is a private topic, but we must remember that the companions of the Prophet (s.a.w.) did not withhold their questions out of shame. They used to ask whatever they needed, because they understood that it cures issues and is better to the truth than to suffer in silence and perpetuate an illness. God knows best. May God give you clarity and help you and your husband find a loving bond, Amin.
  • 47.
    - 46 - I Don't Feel Attractive to My Husband! As-Salamu `Alaykum. I’m writing to you about a marital problem I am facing. I have been married for four years, three of which I was happy in alhamdulillah. In the fourth year, after having my second baby, I had some baby weight and was feeling a bit insecure, so I noticed my husband’s interest in other women. I confronted him a couple of times before he confessed that he does have a weakness for women. He always did. Although he's religious and doesn't show it, he has always struggled with it. What’s worse is that I’m not really what he had wanted for himself. He was always attracted to very slim women like
  • 48.
    - 47 - those he sees on TV. I have always been a healthy average. He also criticized a couple of my features. I felt hurt and betrayed especially that this was not an arranged marriage and that I trusted him so much and had so much confidence in him and myself. We went through therapy and Alhamdulillah I let go of the idea of leaving the marriage. But now, I’m not comfortable with him. I hate going out with him and seeing him looking at other women. He says he's trying his best but this is all he can do. It makes me feel bad about myself. I lost my baby weight 8 months after delivery, but if I go on diet I don't lose a lot and I gain them back easily because this has been my weight since I was a teenager; I have always been a healthy average. Anyways, my question is: with all of this, I now don't feel attractive to my husband, so to enjoy intimacy with him, I have to fantasize about him with another slimmer and more attractive woman. Is that haram? It makes me feel guilty but I never fantasize about another man. I hope your answer gives me peace. Thanks for your time and effort. Answer by Dr. Maryam Bachmeier and Razia AmaarahBhatti `Ali
  • 49.
    - 48 - Answer from Dr. Maryam Bachmeier: As-Salam `AlaykumSister, I am not a scholar of Islamic jurisprudence, therefore I am not qualified to tell you whether it is haram or not. However, from a psychological and emotional perspective, I do have a few words to share with you. You and your husband seem quite young. I provide a lot of marriage counseling to young married couples, but I usually see them in person. In your case, I can see that you are feeling hurt by your husband's silly and immature behavior. I have a feeling that he is manipulating you and that there is an element of a power struggle going on. In fact, he may actually be worried that you are too pretty and he might feel insecure. Men are funny; he will never ever admit this...so stay with me. He may actually want you to feel insecure so that he doesn't have to worry about being "good enough". This is just immature behavior. Here is what I know from what you just wrote to me. Your husband is having sex with you. If he was not attracted to you, he would not have sex with you. I have observed the behaviors of men for many years now. If he were not attracted to you, he would be looking for a second wife or even worse. This is what I want you to do: Ignore his ridiculous nonsense talk about skinny women.
  • 50.
    - 49 - Be your best beautiful and healthy self - just for you. Love the beautiful body that Allah gave you. I guarantee you that you are sexy and beautiful. How do I know this? Well, because you are a woman. Indeed, so many young women miss out on enjoying their own beauty because they are so busy comparing themselves to other women. Then they look at those pictures of themselves 20 years later and realize how beautiful they were and say to themselves, "If I only knew". Sister, don't lose these precious years. If you mature emotionally and accept yourself the way you are, then your husband will have to either take it or leave it. If he takes it, you will have great sex, no doubt, and I doubt that he wants to leave it (you). When he sees that you don't care about what is on TV or on the billboards, and you pity women who need to be painted to hide all flaws and be photographed, and then have the photographs airbrushed in order to feel like they are worthwhile women, then he will have more respect for you. That is what he is lacking as an immature, young adult husband: “respect”. As you may know, models and movie girls are fake- they airbrush their pictures. They are not really as "pretty" as they look on TV or in the magazines; they are not real. You meet one in person, and you will be surprised. The skinny ones will appear physically ill; you will be very surprised how these girls look like in real life.
  • 51.
    - 50 - Walk in confidence sister. You are the beautiful woman whom Allah created. Your husband should appreciate Allah for giving him such a gift. Remember this. Answer from Dr. RaziaBhatti `Ali: As-Salaam `Alaykum, The situation you describe has clearly knocked your self-esteem and obviously, your husband has not learned how to treat a wife and life partner. The crucial issue is that if you were comfortable with yourself, you would not need to ruminate about your physical appearance and feel the culprit in the relationship. For example, why should you have to fantasize about your husband being with a slimmer woman? His fantasies are not your problem but his alone. It seems to me that he has the free will and intelligence to know right from wrong and so long as you do your duty as a wife and mother, you should not be trying to please his extra-curricular desires. Your husband does not have the right to put you down about your weight particularly as you have gained weight to give him the gift of a child and also because he knew what you looked like when he married you.
  • 52.
    - 51 - The point is that your low self-confidence allows your husband to get away with negative comments about your weight gain. Therefore, a new boundary must be not to listen to him when he starts criticizing your appearance by telling him your weight is off limits for a conversation as you find it rude and inconsiderate. Be totally honest and clear about what you want from him and how you want to be treated. In reality, your husband won’t be the first or the last man to have desires for other women, but the difference is in whether he will act upon it or just fantasize about it. Realistically, this may just be an adjustment phase that he is experiencing, as it is not uncommon for the arrival of a baby to set off insecurities in both men and women. In this life, we cannot always change other people, but we can choose to change the way we react to them. I would suggest that you make some real effort to improve your self-esteem as it will lead to an increase in your confidence. Also,it will take away the anxiety about what your husband thinks about you and stop you from comparing yourself with other women, which your husband may or may not find attractive. Face your fears - challenges seem scary but your fears are usually exaggerated. Don’t let the fear of your husband straying keep you on edge and undermine your own worth. Face the fact that he is what he is and rather than expecting him to stray, decide to face that bridge if it
  • 53.
    - 52 - ever comes as realistically his behavior is somewhat childish and unlikely to be anything more than words. The birth of a baby gives rise to many challenges and often-unpredictable behavior may start to manifest itself. Facing your fear of what might happen will ultimately increase your confidence and boost your esteem. It is important to make realistic appraisals of life's problems as coping effectively with life's problems and failures requires realistic expectations. Life events aren't a problem unless we appraise them as such. Life is never perfect and, to some degree, hassles and problems are a part of normal everyday life. If our appraisals are realistic, we're better able to react to day-to-day life events with a sense of proportion. Therefore, your husband’s behavior is currently more upsetting than it might have been before being pregnant as your self-appraisal is poor. That is because your body has gone through a major change and you feel less attractive. The appraisals we make are a product of our belief system. If we hold unrealistic, inflexible beliefs, then our appraisals may not be the most appropriate for the situation. Irrational beliefs often include 'musts' and 'shoulds', with an emphasis on perfection. 'I have to be attractive all the time’ and 'I must be slimmer and perfect' are all irrational beliefs. They're difficult to achieve and put a lot of pressure on women.
  • 54.
    - 53 - It is possible to put an alternative interpretation in the place of an irrational judgment. When your husband treats you rudely, you may be tempted to think that that person is horrible, or everyone must think I’m unattractive. An alternative interpretation could be: 'I wonder what's happening with that person for them to behave so rudely?' We have the choice how to frame our perceptions just as you could wonder what is happening in your husband’s head for him to be perpetuating your insecurities by being openly disrespectful to you rather than being self-critical. If we feel helpless to change things, or incompetent when facing challenges, then we're less likely to come up with a suitable coping response. Therefore, we need to develop self-efficacy, which comes from life experiences. But we can't succeed if we don't have goals. Start focusing on your own needs, set reasonable goals for your life, and give yourself credit when you achieve them. Find a good role model or mentor who can be a positive force and then you will also start to become positive. Instead of belittling yourself for the tiniest faults, which have been put in your head by a very insecure man, build yourself up for the smallest successes and start making constructive use of the network of people around you as a coping skill.
  • 55.
    - 54 - People with good support systems are more successful at overcoming low moods, and anxiety, maintaining self-esteem and overcoming loneliness. The mere task of building your own support system is a coping skill, because it requires personal effort. Instead of passively waiting for things to get better, get on with your life by talking to people who make you feel good as it will help an increased feeling of competence and self-esteem. If your husband really loves you and wants the relationship to work, then he will make some positive changes. Give him some time to show that he is willing to improve on your relationship and treat you the way you want to be treated. If he does not respect or honor your wishes and puts you down for even trying to make some positive changes, then you should reevaluate your relationship altogether and seek some further serious marriage counseling. Ask your husband to attend counseling with you and if he refuses, you go yourself. Many relationships can be improved even if only one of the partners seeks outside help. A good counselor can also help you build back your self-esteem.
  • 56.
    - 55 - How to Help My Husband Out of Porn Addiction? As-Salamu‘Alaykum. I have been married for almost a year, but just moved together a month ago. Recently, I caught my husband looking at forbidden pictures (porn) and when I asked about it, he looked upset and said that there are things a wife does not need to know; it's only the husband’s business.
  • 57.
    - 56 - Second time I caught him, I just pretended that I did not see it, because I knew that he would feel offended. I don't know what to do. He is a good husband, a reverted Muslim and he is trying to practice Islam by performing prayers and fasting. It seems that he is addicted to pornographic pictures. He is quiet mature in his 40's. I am quite devastated; I pray for this marriage (this is my second one), but I don't have faith for it. Please, advise me what to do. I feel heartbroken. Answer by Dr. `Abd.Lateef Krauss Salam ‘Alaykum, Thank you sister for your question. The issue of pornography, unfortunately, does exist even among Muslims. According to Chris Hedges, in his book Empire of Illusion, around 40 million Americans are regular consumers of pornography. One reason that they are regular users is that often people, who consume porn, are addicted to it. As you mentioned also, it might be that your husband was consuming it before he met you and probably even before he converted to Islam. It’s a really difficult habit to break and one of its reasons is thatit is so easily accessed on the internet.
  • 58.
    - 57 - Confrontation At some point, sister, I think you have to confront your husband about it. He needs to know how you feel and how concerned you are about your marriage. Insha’ Allah, your honesty and concern will help him and give him the strength to leave this ugly habit. Especially if he is addicted, insha’ Allah seeing how much it affects you and your marriage might give him the strength to leave it. You are One Team Also, it is always better to try and face these challenges as a team. In that regard, you should do all you can to help him and support him in trying to overcome this addiction. Offer your help and your support to overcome it together. To do any of this, though, you need to talk openly and honestly with him about it. The Weapon of Du`aa' Also, make sure that you are constantly making du’aa’ for Allah to help your husband leave this behavior and strengthen your marriage. Try to do regular tahajjud(late night prayers). All help and success is from Allah alone.
  • 59.
    - 58 - Try not to be too distraught. Every marriage has challenges which Allah sends us to make us stronger and more reliant on Him. If we respond wisely, we can use these challenges to strengthen our bonds with Allah as well as with our spouses. Think of yourselves as a team, determined to face whatever comes your way together. Educate Yourself about Addiction There are many resources out there for people who have this type of addiction. This site alone has many articles on the issue. Please try to educate yourself about it and with this knowledge you may be better positioned to help your husband. Please feel free and write us again if you have any follow-up questions.
  • 60.
    - 59 -Chapter III Financial Issues
  • 61.
    - 60 - I Must Pay For My Expenses besides Son and Studies As-Salamu ‘Alaykum. I have a question about an issue between my husband who leaves me and our son behind for family trips and religious pilgrimages unless I provide money for it for my share of the expense such as airfare. My husband and I both work outside the home. In addition to
  • 62.
    - 61 - household chores such as cleaning, cooking, and dishwashing, I also do personal care duties for our son such as bathing, dressing, feeding, etc. In addition to these, I also attend graduate school on a full-time basis that is funded through my own earnings. I also pay for 37.5% (proportional to my income) expenses for the house such as heating, electricity, utilities, water, and sometimes I buy food items that my husband does not provide. I also pay for my own car and gas and let my husband drive my car to work once a week as well as on the weekends and for driving trips. My husband has his own car which he pays for. I also buy clothing for my son and myself from my own earnings besides paying for my son's daycare expenses with my own salary. (My husband does not contribute to this as he says I made the decision to work and study outside of the house so I have to bear the cost of childcare; although at the time of our marriage, we made it clear in our contract that I was going to be a student until I finished my studies). Our medical expenses are covered by my university studies, alhamdulillah. When he and I go on vacation to visit our family in another country outside of Canada, he usually asks me to pay for my ticket. He also demands that I pay half the cost for my son's airfare or refuses to go on the trip citing that he cannot afford it. I usually comply, because I want my son to connect to his roots back home and retain
  • 63.
    - 62 - some of our cultural heritage, especially because he was born in Canada. He would also go with his younger brother and pay for his younger brother's airfare and for his own airfare for pilgrimages to religious sites for unto three days, but refuses to take me and my son because he 'cannot afford it'. But he pays for the airfare for his brother, and says that he 'has to' take his brother because he needs someone familiar from that country to guide him. I feel that it is unfair for him to do this to me. He gets very angry and verbally fights with me if I ever 'get in his way' and he shame-bashes me for even trying to 'scold' him for his pilgrimage. My husband has large debts that I think he should prioritize in paying off instead of going on pilgrimages. He has already made plans that he wants to go on a two- month pilgrimage and vacation to Mecca/Medina and then to India during my maternity leave in 2015, and demands that I allocate two months of maternity leave to him. I know that he cannot afford this, but he insists. I don't know what to do. I've tried to explain to him nicely that he should not be spending more than he can afford and should not be justifying his trips for 'religious purposes'. He has already done many ‘umrahs in his lifetime, ma sha’ Allah and always done them by taking on debt. I don't think this is a good idea but have morally supported him.
  • 64.
    - 63 -Answer by Karim Serageldin As-Salaam ’Alaykum sister, You are right. You have rights and duties owed to you by your husband and it sounds like he is having difficulty prioritizing his time and income. As I read your question, I felt that perhaps your husband has much deeper pain behind his acts of pilgrimage and religiosity as a whole. He seeks the light of Islam but avoids the heat. The heat is the true responsibility of one’s religion. He may be exemplifying a psycho-spiritual state called Spiritual Bypassing. Spiritual bypassing, a term first coined by psychologist John Welwood in 1984, is the use of spiritual practices and beliefs to avoid dealing with our painful feelings, unresolved wounds and developmental needs. It is much more common than we might think and, in fact, is so pervasive as to go largely unnoticed, except in its more obvious extremes. Part of the reason for this is that we tend not to have very much tolerance, either personally or collectively, for facing, entering, and working through our pain, strongly preferring pain-numbing "solutions" regardless of how much suffering such "remedies" may catalyze. For your husband, it may have become a habit of turning away from what is painful as a kind of higher analgesic with seemingly minimal side
  • 65.
    - 64 - effects. It is a spiritualized strategy not only for avoiding pain but also for legitimizing such avoidance in ways ranging from the blatantly obvious to the extremely subtle. Spiritual bypassing is a very persistent shadow of spirituality manifesting in many forms often without being acknowledged as such. Aspects of spiritual bypassing include:  Exaggerated detachment,  Emotional numbing and repression,  Overemphasis on the positive,  anger-phobia,  Blind or overly tolerant compassion,  Weak or too porous boundaries,  Lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead  of emotional and moral intelligence),  Debilitating judgment about one's negativity or shadow side,  Devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual,  Delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being Your husband does exemplify some of these traits as you described; he gets angry whenever you point out his lack of religious responsibility as a husband. It is important to be aware of this content and try to seek what your husband’s deeper pain is. Why is he so stuck on over performing
  • 66.
    - 65 - rituals rather than taking proper care of his family? There is something deeper perhaps that he is trying to compensate or avoid. Lastly, I encourage you to seek couple’s counseling in your area to help the two of you develop necessary relationship skills such as conflict resolution. Supplement this by mediation from different Imams to help guide your matter of finances and marriage rights.
  • 67.
    - 66 - Our Needs Are Endless AssalamuAlaykum, I'm living in Kuwait with my husband and a 2-year-old son. We've come here to work and save some money to go back and settle in India as soon as possible. But my mother-in-law wants me to stay in India, so that my husband will save more money and go back to India in 4-5 years. However, I think the needs are not limited in today's world, and he has to be in Kuwait, in sha' Allah, until our children grow up and get married.
  • 68.
    - 67 - I love to be with my husband wherever he is for Allah has blessed him with a very good heart and manner, alhamduliAllah. I feel guilty for not listening to my mother-in-law's words, and I'm afraid to be questioned on the Day of Judgment about not taking care of my in-laws and being selfish living my life with my husband and child. My mother-in-law is also dissatisfied with my husband for he has taken me and our child to Kuwait, despite he has a great respect for her. I feel very guilty and that it's all because of me. I wish my husband gets a good job in India so that we all live together, in sha' Allah. Please tell me, shall I stay with my husband in this situation? Answer by Hawaa Irfan As salamu ‘alaykum warahmatullahiwabarakatuh my dear sister, In today’s world, sometimes we can tread a very fine line between Islam and culture, and even culture can be defined in weak terms if we reflect on the culture of our grandparents, and what we call ‘culture’ today. We far too often confuse ‘need’ with ‘want’. Need is a place to live, people to live with, food to eat, clothes to wear, and enough money to pay our bills so that we may be away from debt. It is said that Imam Sadiq (8th century A.D whose students included ‘Abu Hanifa, Malik ibnAnas, and Jabir ibnHayyan) presented to his guests sweet meat and porridge, whereas at other times he presented them with olives and bread. A person advised that if he managed his affairs
  • 69.
    - 68 -with prudence and foresight, he would always be consistent, and thus he would be able to entertain his guests in the same manner at all times. The Imam answered: “The management of affairs lies in the Allah’s hands. Whenever He grants us, we cater for our guests and ourselves liberally, but whenever He restrains our livelihood, we too adjust our lives accordingly.” The rizq (means of sustenance) of your husband might be for a long time in the country in which he works, or a short time. It could come to an abrupt end, and your husband may have to look elsewhere. His rizq might be with his current field of work, or it might be elsewhere in your home country, and in another field. If any of these changes were to occur, how would you react? If ‘needs’ as you define them are without limit, then so too is the need for love, companionship, and guidance. These are the limitless needs of our children, who need both parents. Did you marry your husband so that he could spend most of his life away providing for everyone back home? Does your husband not need companionship of a wife? Do your children not need the love and guidance of a father? And then of course, there are your needs. Abu Huraira reported that a person said to Prophet Muhammad (SAW): Who amongst the people is most deserving of my good treatment? Prophet Muhammad said: “Your mother”, again when asked, “Your mother”, again when asked, “Your mother, then your father, and then the nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness) (Muslim 032: #6181) There is a reason your husband wants the both of you working in the
  • 70.
    - 69 -Middle East, and a reason he wants to return home as soon as possible. Your mother-in-law may very well be a part of the reason, if not the whole reason. Given this, you need to let your mother-in-law know this. Although your mother-in-law misses her son, he is doing the best he can, and he needs you to help him, in sha' Allah. If you remain unsure, make Istikharah (prayer for guidance) and let Allah (SWT) be your guide. Bear in mind that it might be a false hope that the financial situation would improve greatly if you worked there given that the daily expenditures would increase with you and the children being present. In addition, there would be additional costs if you had to find day care (and eventually schooling) of some kind for your son. If you do decide to join your husband, just remain in constant touch with your mother-in-law, as much as it is possible until such time you can be with each other again, in sha' Allah.
  • 71.
    - 70 - My Husband is without a Job Salam. My husband and I live in Australia for one and a half years. Before I came here, I used to live in the US. Right now, I am studying Masters of Social Work. The problem I am presenting has to do with my husband. With the grace of Allah, we both try to be pious; we have performed Hajj and Alhamdulillah we try to live our life according to our religion. I have experienced hardships in life such as the death of my only young brother, the death of my son and my father, and various other enormous hardships. With the grace of Allah, I have been able to finally get the opportunity to fulfill my dreams and study to get a higher degree. Now, my husband is not able to find a job. He has been trying for all these times, but for some mysterious reasons he cannot find any. Masha' Allah, I got some knowledge in psychology and Islam and I can
  • 72.
    - 71 - completely understand that this hardship might be a trial for us. We pray tahajjud (night prayer) and always ask Allah's help. Now, we have run out of money and he is desperately looking for job. All others who came with us got jobs and are well settled now. We are wondering to our dismay and frustration that what sins my husband has committed as Allah said that we face trouble in life because of our deeds. I am not saying that my husband and I are angels, but we want to find a way out of this. He has been subhanAllah the best husband in this earth. He loves and supports me such a way my parents did. I am heavily distressed because of this situation. I need some suggestions and insights. What shall we do? My husband was a banker in my country and got MBA from a university in the UK. We do not want to be proud and my husband is willing to do any job to support my study. Can this be some sort of a curse? Otherwise, everyone gets job, why can't he? Please advise me. Salam. Answer by Hawaa Irfan As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister, It is an honor to hear of such a marital relationship that despite the odds, you have been there for one another on all levels. We pray that the stressful situation which you find yourselves in does not get the better of
  • 73.
    - 72 -you, insha’ Allah. Your marital relationship demonstrates how much compassion plays a role in surviving and overcoming life challenges. This care and attention that you give to each other should not be trivialized by any means. However, as you said, your circumstances can be enough to unsettle anyone, for without land to supply your basic needs one can be made destitute. The blessings of the country in which you live is that they do provide social income support, but still there is nothing more honorable than earning your own sustenance. Given the current economic crisis and how much the banking institutions have played a role in this economic malaise, it is not surprising that your husband finds difficulty in finding a job. It is not only in times of crisis like these that one should have many interests and hobbies, but in general one should have more than one hobby because only Allah (SWT) Knows where our rizq (sustenance bequeathed by Him) lies. I always refer to a headmaster of a school who once held an assembly for his senior students. He instructed them to have many interests and hobbies, because even if they are successful in getting the desired grades and succeed at university in their chosen field, only Allah Knows where theirrizq lies. He then went on to share a story about one of his friends who could not find work after achieving his degree in engineering. His friend turned to his love of carpentry to occupy him, and from that love, he made ornate pieces of Arabesque furniture. Now, his friend is happy, doing what he loves, and he earns a good living from it as he now runs his own business.
  • 74.
    - 73 -What does your husband love to do? If your husband does not know, through voluntary work he can discover his other strengths, skills, and passions. By not feeling that he has been hard done by and keeping his experience to himself, he can overcome much. He is not alone as much as he feels that, therefore it is important that he does not behave as if he is alone otherwise he will cut himself off completely. Maybe this is what Allah (SWT) knows is better for him, for you, and your family in sha' Allah. If you can go on social income support for a short period, or if he can do odd jobs until he discovers his others talents, this would help to bridge the gap that you so rightly fear. In addition, if you can help out in some way with a part-time job, this would ease the pressure somewhat.
  • 75.
    - 74 - Facing Hardships Because of Loan I and my husband work together. A part of my husband's income goes to his parents and I have no problem with that. My husband wishes to invite his parents to the UK to meet them as it’s been 2 years now, but he got no money to meet extra expenditure. He borrowed money for our marriage and after marriage. I have seen him and myself facing hardship for loan. Now my fear is that he will again borrow money to invite his parents and I asked him not to borrow any more money. I advised him that if he can manage in his own expenses, it's better. Last
  • 76.
    - 75 - day, we had a big fight and my husband told me that I was not happy and I never said to him not to worry, all would be fine. So, it looks to him I'm not happy by inviting his family. Please, tell me whether I am right to tell my husband not to borrow or land money for his parents. Answer by Dr. Mariam Bachmeier As-Salamu ‘Alaykum, Thank you for writing in with this problem. It is laudable that you are concerned about your husband getting into debt and are trying to prevent further problems in your life. May Allah make the matter easy for you both in sha’ Allah. There are a number of things that I suggest you and your husband consider; but try and do this in a context of problem solving. By this I mean don’t wait to have an argument and then discuss it; rather, make a separate time for the topic and be practical and non- aggressive. Essentially, what you can do is inform your husband about the Shar`iah obligations around avoiding debt and look at practical solutions to repay what you owe already. It is clear in the Islamic law that debt is not advised as a way of life. It is reported that debt was one of the things from which Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) sought refuge with Allah as is shown in this well-known du`aa’: "O Allah, I seek refuge with You from worry and sorrow, humility and negligence, stinginess and cowardice, debt and domination of the people." (Al-Bukhari) This is something you and your
  • 77.
    - 76 -husband should recite. Indeed, when the Prophet (peace be upon him) was sent a marriage proposal by Hadrat Khadija, he hesitated first because he had no money, so how could he marry? This is the example we need to follow, i.e., awareness at the outset of one’s financial situation. We can infer from this that we need to avoid debt at the outset and be as self-reliant as possible. In fact, the seriousness of debt is clearly illustrated in the Sunnah where Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) refused to offer funeral prayers for those people who had not left behind the property to pay back the debt. Therefore, taking and living with debt is not something we should consider acceptable. There is undoubtedly less barakah (blessing) in a life built on debt than without. (This is not made less serious simply because the debt is to a friend and not a bank or vice versa). We live in an age where loaning money is seen as a trivial thing because everyone is in debt (or so it seems) especially where we loan from banks which make it seem uncomplicated. But banks do not connect loans and debts to the akhirah (hereafter); rather, banks encourage us to live our lives through reliance on debt. So again, it is a good thing that you are questioning your husband’s behavior and reminding him of the alternatives. This is not to say that it is easy to live without borrowing money. Sometimes, life events cannot be predicted and, of course, there may be unexpected expenses one must manage. But the basic point here is that we should borrow as little as possible rather than consider living with debt as the first port-of-call.From a Shar`iah point of view, the key is that one must have an intention to pay
  • 78.
    - 77 -it back. Thereafter, one must work toward this. Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him) said, "The man who borrows with the intention to pay it back, Allah pays it from His own side." (Al-Bukhari) Of course, that does not mean that one must rely on this and make no personal effort to pay it back because Allah will do so! The honest, sincere and pure intention must be there. This seems obvious but often sadly people loan from others and are not concerned about returning it or thinking about a re-payment plan.It is clearly morally dubious to live one’s life expecting they can rely on others to pay for their lifestyle; and as a community, we need to support each other to re- consider our spending. You mention weddings and this is a major cause of misery and financial waste; yet, as a community, people are expected to throw lavish weddings irrespective of cost and affordability. This is why we must support each other in this endeavor. I suggest you sit with your husband and discuss the following options. I do not suggest that you try to deal with the debt yourself because, primarily, it is his responsibility to repay what he has loaned, as he is the ‘shepherd’ of the house as the husband is described in hadith. Practically, there are number of things you may consider:  Is there an option for your husband to visit his parents instead of his parents coming? This would be one way to reduce expenses as of course one ticket would be cheaper than two.  One way to make your husband feel you are supportive rather than suggesting he does not borrow (and make him feel you do not want his parents to come), why not offer a solution to the
  • 79.
    - 78 -debt so he feels there is way for him to repay it. For example, think about how you can reduce expenses of daily living to help pay off a little of the debt at a time or at least have a payback plan where you agree to put aside some money each month and repay the debt. An easy way to do this is to take some out of your weekly spending before you spend rather than wait and see what is left. With the remaining money, you should work to minimize your spending rather than think that you are able to spend it all because that is your allowance. You will be surprised how much money we spend unnecessarily and how much we can adjust and save when we have to. If you feel that you have a pay-back plan, then you will feel more able to manage this debt issue constructively in sha` Allah.  Sister, many times women expect their husbands to be the strong one, but there is no gender expectation or obligation! It is about personal characteristics and sometimes it is you who must be the strong one. If it makes your husband feel better to hear you tell him that things will work out, then do this alongside the practical advice of repayment as mentioned above. There is no need for arguments over money as Imam Ghazali reminded us, “Money should remain in our pocket books (wallets) and not in our hearts.” This is a practical problem and you should treat it as such.  The decision to invite your parents-in-law should simply be considered in this context as with all other things; and the consequences should be weighed up carefully. There is no right or wrong option because one must never forget one’s obligations to
  • 80.
    - 79 -one’s parents. Simply, remind your husband about issues surrounding debt and, since it is his parents, let him make the choice. Any consequences are for your husband to manage and account for with your advice in mind. May Allah The Sustainer open the doors to ease for your husband and may He al Jami` (The Gatherer) heal the rift between you speedily.
  • 81.
    - 80 - My Husband Just Uses Me Dear Counselor, I am getting very frustrated with my husband. He is extremely calculative and expects me to share all finances, and in fact more! I've asked many times that I'm willing to settle for a smaller house and be a housewife, but he wants me to work so that we have more money. I don't mind contributing to the household for the benefit and comfort
  • 82.
    - 81 - of all of us, but he questions me too much and is unhappy when I pay for my younger brother's items or spend some money on my mum. Whenever he realizes he is paying more for certain things, he gets angry and violent. At this stage, most of the expenses are shared. I am forced to share for items I'm not interested in like some computer equipment, camera gadgets, etc. and he will throw his tantrums if I refused. But when I wanted to buy toys, or clothing for our son and expects him to share, he would refuse, citing I'm the one who wants to buy. My husband is very aggressive, and mentally, it is torturing trying to predict his reaction and behavior. I have tried unsuccessfully advising him that he has the duty to provide for the family, but he feels that everything must be shared! He only wants to spend on himself and not even his parents. I could understand that this behavior may be due to his poor upbringing, but he refuses to see a counselor whenever I suggest that to him. I am getting very tired physically and mentally, and not sure how long I could last. Sometimes, I regret getting married. Apart from money issues, he also expects me to clean the house, iron his clothes, prepare food, bathe and clean our son. He gets angry when I finish my work at home and not spending time with our son. I really feel that he is unreasonable and making use of me. I don't think I love him anymore. Could I have some advice, please? Thank you.
  • 83.
    - 82 -Answer by Hawaa Irfan As Salamu `Alaykum to you my sister, You feel tired physically and mentally, you think your husband is being unreasonable and making use of you, and you think that you don't love him anymore. Well, I am not surprised. Simply, your husband is behaving like a spoilt child, but it does not mean that you should treat him like one. At the same time, Islam should not be confused with the belief of many Christians where the story of Adam and Eve blames Eve as a symbol of women for the fall of man. You are correct that he has a duty to provide for his family, which is the opposite of what he is doing, i.e. providing for himself. In Islam, we are advised quite clearly. A husband and a father is responsible for his household, and any income that a wife earns is hers as her responsibility is on the maintenance on the home and the moral, physical and mental development of the children. To be obliged to do both creates personal conflict as many women today claim. ("Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient…") (An-Nisa 4: 34) ("… consort with your wives in a goodly manner in a goodly manner, for if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something which God might yet make a source of abundant good") (Nisa 4:19)
  • 84.
    - 83 - "…Some (women) visited my family complaining about their husbands (beating them). These (husbands) are not the best of you…(Is it not a shame that) one of you beats his wife like (an unscrupulous person) beats a slave and maybe sleeps with her at the end of the day” (Riyadh el- Saliheen p. 137 –140). "Both genders are recipients of the "divine breath" since they are created with the same human and spiritual nature (nafsin-waahidah). -Scholar, Jamal Badawi You referred to your husband's upbringing as the reason for his behavior, and given the fact that he does not like spending on either your parents or his, it would seem that you are correct. Sometimes, we need to change the environment to trigger the action of growth. It seems you have done everything to address the balance in your marriage, except one thing: practice what you preach. When someone cannot be advised, or refuses to accept help or see a counselor, then that person is not ready to change. Frankly, the surest way towards that change is to change the environment by changing the status quo. Firstly, it is for you to decide, what would be best. Would it be best for you to work outside of the home and employ a servant/nanny to take care of the home and your son (knowing that this would reduce your influence over your son), or would it be best to stop working outside of the home?
  • 85.
    - 84 - Don't forget: ("And Allah's is the East and the West. Therefore, whither you turn, thither is Allah's purpose, surely Allah is Ample-giving, Knowing") (Baqarah 2: 115) ("And when My servants ask you (Prophet Muhammed) concerning Me, then surely I am very near; I answer the prayer of the supplicant when he calls on Me, so they should answer My call and believe in Me that they may walk in the right way" ) (Baqarah 2: 186) (" You shall certainly be tried respecting your wealth and your souls, and you shall certainly hear from those who have been given the Book before you and from those who are polytheists much annoying talk…" ) (Alaay Imran 3: 186). The extent to which your husband loves money and views money as his partner in life is a form of shirk (polytheism). For his own good and the good of your family, he needs to realize that there is no good in this way of life. It can only provide him with a series of temporary pleasures, but it cannot compensate for what he really needs in his life. You say that you think you don't love him, which is probably a numbing process in reaction to his behavior rather than a dwindling love. So, make Istikharah to help guide you correctly on this matter. While you are waiting for clarity on which way to go, you can begin to ask your husband for help while you are doing something in the home. 'Dear.
  • 86.
    - 85 - Please could you read to our son, I have to finish the laundry" If he refuses, then just say in a casual way, "Ah, well, I suppose the laundry can wait until next week!" Once the decision is clear, discuss it with your husband in a warm compassionate environment. Help him see that the situation as it stands is no longer plausible, and that you must act in the best interest of the family as a whole, including his parents and your parents. With your love and compassion as a guide, he might wake up to how wrong he has been. "The marriage which produces most blessing is that which involves least burden."(Al-Tirmidhi #605)
  • 87.
    - 86 -Chapter IV In-Law Issues
  • 88.
    - 87 - Don't Want to Live with In-Laws: Am I Selfish? As-Salamu‘Alaykum. I'm in a very critical situation now and need help. I'm a doctor and married for 2 years. My husband is an engineer and we have a cute little 5- months girl. I was raised Islamically in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. My husband was raised in a village in Bangladesh and has gone through many difficulties, but he has been working now in a company in a good position. After our marriage, he told me that his parents are in debts, so he always gives all the money for them, leaving very small amount for us.
  • 89.
    - 88 - I've never complained about it. We live in my parents' house (in Bangladesh) in a city, because my in-laws' house was not comfortable for me in the village. When I was pregnant, I never asked my husband not to go to see his parents in the village; he went there every weekend. I also went sometimes. Now, after giving birth to our daughter and her getting strong enough, he is forcing me to either go to his village and live there or go every week with the baby. I stayed there seven days and told him that I would go again before 'Eid. But that was not enough for him. We wanted to rent a small flat only for us. At first, he agreed, because we need to be a real family now with our baby. But now he is blaming me, saying that I'm selfish. I just don't want to stay there, because it is a tiny shed house with a toilet which is far from the house. I'm not used to this environment, and now I am looking for a job also. Isn't it my right to stay comfortably, close to my job's area? Isn't it my right to leave my baby in a good place like in my mom's house while being at work? Am I really selfish that instead of staying there taking care of his mom and dad, I want to rent a home of our own in the city? He has a brother and his wife stays there and takes care of his parents. I've never said that I won't go there. I'll visit them in some weeks or months, but why is he telling me that I am selfish? He hasn't even paid my mahr(dowry) yet! Now, we're separated for some days without any
  • 90.
    - 89 - communication. I really love him, but so annoyed by him. What shall I do? Am I wrong? Please help! Answer by Karim Serageldin As-Salaamu ’Alaykum sister, I understand your frustration and the concern you have for the well being of your family. Alhamdulillah you love your husband and want things to work for the better. Your matter is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is a matter of proper communication around each other’s needs and finding a balance in what each of you want. As a family, you have important values that need to be honored. In your case, there is a struggle between (a) taking care of parents (b) building a family in an environment with better opportunities for everyone Your husband, despite cultural norms, is supposed to prioritize his family (you and your daughter) over taking care of his parents. As you said, there is nothing wrong with visiting and supporting his parents. This is a good and kind act which God will reward, in sha ‘Allah. But it is imbalanced to uproot one’s family and even neglect them for taking care of one’s own parents; especially, if his parents already have another son nearby who can help with their affairs and needs more readily. If his parents were in critical health danger, then it may be more
  • 91.
    - 90 - understandable. In Psychology, there is a common defense mechanism called ‘projection.’ Projection is when we see and name the negative aspects in ourselves in other people. The self deflects facing the wrongs in itself by accusing another person. It is possible your husband actually feels selfish about himself and all that he expects you to do. Instead of facing it in himself, he labels you as the “selfish one.” You feel frustrated and that this matter is becoming unjust, especially since you have tried your best to accommodate. Now, you have reached the point of feeling unappreciated and neglected. As much as this state feels bad, it is also a good warning sign that communication skills around asking for what we need must be attained. When we neglect each other’s needs and contributions, overtime we will build resentment and pain. Please seek marriage counseling if available. Get started on learning more on your own and try practicing skills to improve your marriage from researching online. Below are the resources to get you started on improving your communication skills and effectively voicing and meeting each other’s needs.
  • 92.
    - 91 - Mother In-Law Is Destroying Our Marriage Please help me. My mother-in-law accused me of doing a lot of wrong things. She wants me to admit, for example, that I have been stealing from her, which I would never do. Therefore, my marriage is suffering, because my husband believes what his mother is saying and not what I say. I don't think things will be resolved. Is it ok to seek counseling to help us save our marriage? This Ramadan has been very hard for me; I feel like I have no peace at heart to continue fasting. I make du'aa' and continue praying that Allah helps me. Answer by Aliah Azme
  • 93.
    - 92 - As-Salamu 'Alaykum sister, Thank you for sending us your question. I am sorry to hear about the predicament within your household. I ask Allah to help you, your husband, and your mother-in-law overcome this difficulty and all others, to give you all the courage to be open and honest with each other, and to uphold Allah’s word: "O you who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin...” (4:135) It must be extremely difficult and frustrating to be accused of something over and over again that you haven't done. On top of that, you probably may feel hurt and betrayed that your husband does not stand by your side and stand up for the truth. Certainly in Islam, we are ordered to respect and obey our parents, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with respectfully advising them and correcting them if they do wrong, especially when it comes to oppressing others. Allah has ordered us to refrain from oppressing others and to stand up against oppression, as the above verse indicates. You have asked in your written question if it is acceptable for you and your husband to seek counseling. That is certainly the best investment you can make, and I highly recommend you do so. Seek marriage counseling even with a non-Muslim if a Muslim counselor is not available. We get treatment from non-Muslim doctors when we are ill, so certainly
  • 94.
    - 93 - we should seek counseling for our personal and marital problems even if a Muslim counselor is not available. I ask Allah to give the both of you courage and perseverance to stand up for the truth, stand up for your marriage, and to find peace within yourselves once more in sha' Allah.
  • 95.
    - 94 - Wife's Ultimatum: She or My Mother Dear counselor, I am in desperate need of help. I have been married for 13 years and have 2 kids (9 and 3 years old). My mother had to move in with us after my father had passed away. I have only one sister living in Bahrain with her husband and kids. She was with my parents for over 2 years at the time our dad was sick till
  • 96.
    - 95 - mom came to Australia. My wife is a convert and does not get along with my mother at all. She blames her for everything from the day of our marriage till now. There was tension when mom came to visit us last time in 2005, but now since she arrived in 2013, the tension has risen so high that 1) my wife picks up on things like that my mother doesn't wash dishes properly when she washes, and doesn't look after the kids properly when she does. She thinks my mom only tries to help when she is around; she criticizes her perfume to be too strong, her cloths to be nicer than what she buys for me…etc. So she has an objection to everything.2) My mom, who arrived with high hopes, retaliated and made some mistakes. For instance, in an argument she told her that her parents should come in to her room to say hello to her; another time she told my wife that she had listened to her conversation, etc. Things became so bad that once my mom took back the clothes she had previously gifted to our kids. She said that she will not say sorry as it will not resolve anything, even though she knows that it was wrong to take the clothes back. Now, my wife doesn't want to be a Muslim or even like to be asked about it, and says that the kids should make their own choice. She does not want to go to any Muslim or non-Muslim marriage counselor; she blames everything on me and my mother. After our argument last night, she wants me to make a choice between
  • 97.
    - 96 - her and my mother (who is currently in Pakistan). I have no idea what to do to. This last comment of hers can actually lead to killing in Pakistan; even people here in Australia do not take it as normal. We have been on the brink of divorce 3 times in the last 8 months since my mom is here. Every time she was the one who asked for it. After her comment, I am trying hard to find any respect for her in my heart. I am not sure whether my kids were happy living in this situation or if we would divorce and move on. Answer by Karim Serageldin As-Salaamu ’Alaykum brother, May God make it easy for you. The mother in-law vs. wife dual is a common problem in many families. Based on what you shared, you have to go to couples counseling if divorce is now on the table. You really need to consider if this marriage takes away more than it gives. It sounds like your wife’s understanding of Islam is fragile and this poses a challenge, because you will not have Islamic values as a mediation source for your issues. You are both arguing based on egos at this point, thus, it is imperative that you get professional support ASAP. Based on what you shared, I believe that the issues you have with your wife are extending to your mother, and the issues you have with your mother are extending to your wife. You must honor your mother, but if
  • 98.
    - 97 - she is the type that meddles too much and tries to control your marriage, this must be worked on. If your mother constantly makes your wife feel inferior, then this problem must be addressed by you to your mother. If your wife does not have respect for her elders and has little patience for cultural differences, this should be addressed in counseling. Your wife might be using Islam and the kids as a way to punish and hurt you. This is pretty common in interfaith marriages that struggle; partners start threatening and blaming the religion and not the actions of the people. You are caught in a few challenges: Ego competition between mom and wife Both of them seeking loyalty, attention and validation from you Cultural and religious differences that mask personality shortcomings You will need to talk to your wife and your mother separately, and deal with the issues they face with each other. The blame game will not get anyone anywhere. Your mother can’t make your wife feel inferior and vice versa. Generally, you as a man need to step up and facilitate the following: - Do not allow little things to blow up; reduce tension as soon as possible and downplay the heat that either of them put into a small matter like “her perfume is too strong.”
  • 99.
    - 98 - - Your wife and mother need more space during the visits - it’s not healthy to have everyone in the house all together with all this history. Take breaks and spend time with each of them away from each other when possible. - Speak well about them to each other; this should help the negative script they have change overtime. At this point, some white lies will not hurt you (and is Islamic as well.) - Try to support each of them to vent about the other away from each other while keeping a broader positive view and goal of family unity. - If you share between them what they say about the other, stop that immediately. - Advise both of them to be humble; remind them that no one knows everything and we should not be judgmental of others. We can all use character development as only God is perfect. - If your wife doesn’t want to do counseling, this is a serious alarm bell. Most of the time, it’s the woman who wants to do counseling to keep the family together. If she is totally opposed, this might mean that she is still really angry and wants you to suffer, or she has given up. Either way, give it time and compassionate efforts as mentioned above. You must start counseling on your own regardless of your wife’s
  • 100.
    - 99 - involvement. InshAllah, your wife will follow if she sees that you are committed to make the family whole again.
  • 101.
    - 100 - In-law Issue: I Want Some Privacy with My Husband! As-Salamu ‘Alaykom. I want to live an ideal life with my husband. I love him so much and I am always sincere. We live with my widowed mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. I respect them very much, but sometimes it really hurts when they neglect me as I always obey them. I am afraid if I complain, my husband would get hurt and will disrespect me or will not love me as he does now. I want to go somewhere to be alone with him. I need space, but he does not realize this. He doesn't have the feeling to go out for dinner with me, for example. All programs set by my mother and sister-in-law, but I want to go out alone sometimes with my hubby. I feel so depressed because of this. Alhmdulillah, I have all the blessings from Allah and I am scared if I complain, Allah won't be
  • 102.
    - 101 - happy with me and I will go to Hell because I am not thankful enough. I am very depressed. Please, tell me what to do Islamically? Answer by Aliah Azmeh SalamuAlaikum Sister, Thank you for sending us your question. I am sorry to hear about your situation with your in-laws. I ask Allah to help you through this difficult situation and to change your relationship with them to the better. I am not an Islamic scholar so I will not be able to answer from a strictly “Islamic” point-of-view. However, I am a mental health professional and can answer you as such, and I am sure that my answer will not go against our religion’s teachings, insha’ Allah. It seems you have a positive relationship with your husband, but you are dissatisfied with the way things are done in your household. You mentioned that your mother and sister-in-law are in charge of the way the people of the house must live and act, but you have different opinions and desire to have separate time with your husband as a couple. You mention that you do not want to discuss your feelings with your husband, because you do not want to hurt his feelings. As a result, you continue to feel dissatisfied and “depressed.” Sister, the first thing I would suggest you is getting closer to your husband and truly nurturing your relationship with him. You mentioned that you
  • 103.
    - 102 - have a positive relationship and that you love each other very much. Alhamdulillah for that! It is very fortunate that things are good between you and your husband because we often hear the opposite. Continue to nurture your relationship and certainly let your husband know how you feel about spending time with him alone outside of the house! Please do not shy away from telling him your feelings. I understand that you are afraid of hurting his feelings, but that means that it is fine for your feelings to be constantly hurt. As you have already experienced, the more you keep your feelings bottled up inside, the more frustrated and depressed you eventually become. Strive to become assertive, which means to seek a win-win situation when dealing with others. When discussing your feelings with your husband, certainly explain to him how you feel and also show him that you are opened to negotiation and compromise. If at first things don’t work out the way you want them to, try to make a compromise: for example, you all go out as a family, but you and your husband have some time alone to walk, shop, eat, etc. before rejoining with the rest of the family. Then hopefully with time things will get better and better. But things cannot change unless you try to do something about it. Speaking with your husband is certainly the first and most important thing you can do. Do not be ashamed of your feelings!
  • 104.
    - 103 - Husband Considers Me His Mother's Servant What does the Qur’an say about looking after your mother in- law? My husband says that whatever facilities he gives me is just because I look after his mother as if I am a servant. I do not ever refuse to look after my children or my husband as well. There is a lot of pressure on me regarding this matter. I cannot manage to see my house and children properly. He thinks that I deserve any of his right only if I look after her. I know she is not well but I seek help from his two sisters who are so called “busy.” One is divorced and the other is a widow with no children. They are loaded. They just go out in the morning and come back in the evening. My husband is jobless. He is sometimes hesitant to give company to his mother. I cannot take more pressure; I have two
  • 105.
    - 104 - children. Sometimes,I am rude to my mother-in-law and then the whole family turns against me including my husband. I can't even go out. I have to stay with her all the time. I am so upset but if I say something my husband gets ready to send me back to my parents. My sisters in laws stir him up as well saying that your wife should do "khidmat" (service). “She is here for this purpose. It is her duty not ours.”- They say. Answer by Abduallah AbdurRahman As-Salamu ‘Alaykum, Your question is really about your relationship with your mother-in-law. Based on what you have written to us, we would like to strongly suggest that you consider these alternative viewpoints. First, Islamic teachings do not make it an obligation for the wife to cook and clean. She may do so of her own free will and whatever service she performs in taking care of her husband and children is recorded as charitable actions on her part. Second, a wife must be considered as an equitable partner in her relationship with her husband. That means that she cannot be seen as the servant of the husband, the children or the in-laws. What your husband’s sisters are saying is not a teaching of Islam. A wife is not “here for this purpose” i.e. to cook and clean. It could well be the cultural
  • 106.
    - 105 - understanding, but there is no sin in revising cultural practices that seem to oppress our sisters. Third, your husband needs to talk to his mother. It seems clear to us that he needs to be more involved in the picture. You need to talk to him about his own relationship with his mother. You also need to have your husband talk to his sisters. It is unimaginable that he and his sisters feel justified in neglecting their mother and the only person left to look after her is you. Let them know that their true service should be to their mother. A daughter-in-law is not brought in to “serve” the family. She serves Allah, her husband, and her family just as her husband serves Allah, his wife, and his family. Remind your husband that you become frustrated with his mother and that whenever and wherever possible, he should intervene, clarify and explain to his mother on your behalf. On the other hand, exercise patience yourself and not to become angry with her so fast. Try to treat his mother as your own mother, i.e. with respect and love and embark on revising your relationship with her. Finally, make lots of du’aa’ for Allah to help your immediate and extended family. As long as you keep the channels of communication clear with your husband, we believe insha’ Allah that in due time the overall nature of the family relationships will be much better. And Allah knows best.
  • 107.
    - 106 - About our Counselors Karima Burns : Dr.Karima Burns has been counseling as a Home-path for over 9 years. From the U.S. she is a doctor in Naturopathy, a Master Herbalist, and teaches with inspiration from the Waldorf school. She uses art, health and education to heal others. She became interested in natural healing after ending her personal lifelong struggle with asthma, allergies, chronic ear infections, depression, hypoglycemia, fatigue and panic attacks with herbs and natural therapies. Hwaa Irfan Hwaa Irfan serves as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Hwaa worked as the managing editor of IslamOnline.net's Family and cyber counseling services. She is focusing on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms; Hwaa Irfan qualified in Four Directional Healing (the four ethers: fire, water, air and earth). Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah is a Research Fellow at the Institute for Social Science Study’s Community Education and Youth Studies Laboratory, Universiti Putra Malaysia. He received his B.A. from the University of
  • 108.
    - 107 - Delaware (U.S.), his M.S. from Columbia University (U.S.) and his PhD from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies (PEKKA), Universiti Putra Malaysia in 2005 in the field of Youth Studies. Abd. Lateef is an American who has been living in Malaysia since 2001. He is married and has 2 children. Dr. Maryam Bachmeier Dr. Maryam Bachmeier is a clinical psychologist who has been working in the mental health field for over 15 years. She is also a published researcher, former adjunct professor at Argosy University, writer, and consultant to her Muslim community in 6 the areas of mental health, cultural, family and relationship issues, and more. Aliah Azmeh Aliah Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI. Dr. Razia B. `Ali Dr. Razia B. `Ali is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist qualified since 1992. She worked clinically in the NHS and the private sector as well as providing consulting services to the family courts and medico-legal firms. She has strong international academic links and considerable experience
  • 109.
    - 108 - in cross cultural assessment and therapy. Abdullah AbdulRahman Abdullah AbdulRahman yb 1994, he had obtained his Masters and PhD in Social Work and has worked in the US as a licensed social worker since then. He has been active in the community, given lectures in Organizational Behavior and Islam and Management, and is experienced in student counseling, acculturation, trauma and depression. Dr. Abdullah has focused on counseling Muslims in non-Muslim countries, with special emphasis on life in North America, counseling adolescents, pre-marital counseling, online counseling for married couples and da`wah (inviting people to Islam). Karim Serageldin Karim Serageldin was born and raised in Massachusetts, he speaks Arabic and English. He earned a BA in Psychology and Religion, obtained an MA in Counseling Psychology, and is a certified professional life coach. He worked in educational settings for several years and currently has a practice called Noor Psychology. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship development, family dynamics and youth coaching.