Being A Woman: Social Challenges, Concerns and More...

BEING A WOMAN: SOCIAL CHALLENGES, CONCERNS AND MORE 1
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Table of Contents
Introduction .......................................................................................4
Chapter 1: Being a Muslim Woman Social Reflections...................... 6
Busting Myths About Female Sexuality..............................................7
Islam, Women and Sex: Do We Overdo Things?..............................16
8 Reasons Why I’m Grateful to Be a Woman...................................24
The Modern Muslim Misogynist ......................................................27
Chapter 2: Being a working Muslim woman................................... 34
Do Muslim Women Need Financial Independence?........................35
Modern Day Marriages: When Wives “Wear the Pants”.................42
Women at the Prophet's Time: Empowered But Humble ...............50
Quitting Job For Kids; Will I Turn A Nobody?...................................60
Chapter 3 Being a single Muslim woman ....................................... 68
10 Tips on How To Be A Happy Single Muslim Woman...................69
“Single and Proud”...........................................................................76
Single, Professional, Good Muslim, But in Her 30s..........................83

When Prince Charming Never Comes..............................................88
Chapter 4 Q&A ............................................................................. 95
My Husband Doesn't Allow Me to Work..........................................96
What Comes First: Marriage or Career? ........................................101
Hijab vs. Objectification of Women ...............................................107
Single, Unemployed and Drowned in Debt....................................114
Find Yourself Before You Find Love................................................120
Being a Single Muslim Woman; What Things to Do?.....................130
Marrying to Escape Family Problems.............................................138
About The Authors.........................................................................145

Introduction
I am the woman. I am the mother, the wife, the daughter and the
sister. I am the teacher, the doctor, the engineer, the counselor, the
psychologist, the journalist, the manager, the lawyer and the author.
I am the gentle sex.Some people prefer to call me the weaker
sex.However, I believe I am the stronger.
Although many would say that women have been well recognized in
modern times and that the status of women is better than any time
before, women are still faced with numerous social challenges in many
societies including Muslim societies. Challenges include gender bias,
misogyny, sexualizationand marginalization.
It is painful to see people in the 21st century look at a woman as a
mere body to be exhibited in the media and in the streets just to
please the public.
It’s also painful to see people look down on women as the weaker sex
and a source of evil on this earth. It is equally painful to see people
pretending to be modern/fair enough to defend women’s rights but
they totally denounce it whenever faced with real situations that need
actions rather than words.

In this e-book, we highlight some enlightening pieces, sincere
reflections and Q&A on issues that affect women in modern times.
We hope readers will enjoy reading this selection and find it of great
benefit and inspiration.
Family & Society Team

CHAPTER 1
BEING A MUSLIM WOMAN
SOCIAL REFLECTIONS

Busting Myths About Female Sexuality
BY ZainabbintYounus
When one sees Muslim
leaders (even if they’re
usually of the male
variety) attempt to take
on serious and relevant
issues to the Muslim
Ummah such as sexually
dysfunctional marital
relationships, one truly
hopes for the best. Alas, well-meaning though they may be, there
becomes glaringly obvious a lack of knowledge and understanding
regarding female sexuality.
A few claims that are being made and circulated en masse (and
dangerously so) are the following:
Muslim women (especially from ‘conservative, practicing families’) do
not really experience sexual arousal or any feelings of intense sexuality
before marriage.

Women’s fitrah(basic nature) is such that they are automatically less
sexual than men.
Muslim women are intimidated and scared by even discussions about
sex prior to marriage; if a Muslim man wants to discuss it with his
fiancée, he shouldn’t lest she run in the opposite direction.
Women don’t ‘need’ to orgasm as much as men do; their sexual
feelings are minimal and what they truly seek from sexual encounters
is not necessary physical pleasure, but emotional connection.
Not only are all these claims inaccurate, but to perpetuate them on a
massive public forum – and by an individual with significant influence
over large numbers of Muslims – is extremely dangerous due to the
fact that the Muslim community already suffers from a horrific lack of
knowledge and awareness about sex and female sexuality.
 This is not Islam
Despite the fact that Islamic texts fully recognize women’s sexual
needs and in fact protects them as a religious right, many male Muslim
leaders perpetuate cultural stereotypes about the nature of female
sexuality and falsely pass them off as Islamic guidance. Such ridiculous
ideas include the belief that women have a lesser need and

appreciation for the physical aspect of intimacy; that they do not
experience intense sexual arousal prior to marriage; and that the very
idea of sex is disturbing and unnatural to them, or that they are unable
to comprehend the true nature of intercourse before marriage.
In all fairness, even Western cultures and scientific thought has long
held faulty and inaccurate beliefs regarding female sexuality (most
famously, the views of Sigmund Freud and the Victorian phenomenon
of ‘hysteria’). However, it is also true that Western society has moved
along with considerable speed with regards to knowledge of female
sexuality than many Eastern (and Muslim) cultures have.
It must still be kept in mind, though, that the amount of studies and
research collected on female sexuality is dwarfed by those about men,
and that there remains a great deal to be discovered about female
sexuality in general.
Going back to the claims being publicly taught, there is first of all a
severely erroneous conflation between the reality of culturally
ingrained attitudes about sex, and the actual innate physical desires
and needs that women have for sex.
While it is absolutely true that many Muslim cultures teach women
unhealthy negative attitudes about sex and equate female sexual

desire with being dirty or impure, this in no way actually reflects the
physiological need for sex that exists in the female gender as a whole.
No matter how much cultural brainwashing women receive regarding
their sexuality, most women will still inevitably experience feelings of
sexual arousal at some point in their lives – and for those who do, it
will generally first happen before marriage.
Furthermore, the arousal a woman feels can and does reach strong
levels of intensity, including orgasm; for example, in a wet dream. This
was acknowledged even by prophet Muhammad (PBUH), who
confirmed Umm Sulaym’s question regarding female wet dreams.
 Women are no less sexual than men
Even outside of wet dreams and masturbation however, women can
and do feel intense sexual stimulation – anything from wearing a new
pair of jeans or sitting on a massage chair. This is not to be crude, but
simply realistic.
Nor are such experiences purely involuntary; many women are curious
about their bodies and are actively aware of what stimulates them
both physically and mentally (after all, the brain is the most powerful
sex organ).

Sexual curiosity exists in women just as it exists in men; since many
girls mature physically and mentally faster than boys, they can be
ahead of the game when it comes to being curious about sex.
Whether it’s reading romance novels (and anyone who thinks that girls
read romance novels just for the emotional fluff is fooling themselves)
or magazines like Cosmopolitan, girls crave information about both
the romantic and the explicitly sexual.
Communication about sexual issues is another matter, one tied much
more strongly to the aforementioned cultural brainwashing about
intimacy than the idea that women have an inherent and instinctive
fear or aversion to sex.
Advising Muslim men to ‘just pray Istikhaarah’ instead of respectfully
discussing or asking questions related to sex with their fiancées is
harmful and, quite frankly, insulting to both the man and the woman.
We should not be perpetuating attitudes of embarrassment, shame,
and stigma about sexual issues but rather, encouraging men and
women to approach the topic with respect, dignity, and honesty. It
may be uncomfortable at first or awkward, but then, all positive
growth and change is by necessity.

It is necessary to say here that a great deal of work needs to be done
in training Muslim men and women on how to discuss matters related
to sex and marriage in a respectful, dignified, and mature manner.
There is one final issue – the idea that women are innately ‘less sexual’
than men. While there is no denying the biological differences
between men and women, including sexually, there is a big difference
between recognizing the difference, and claiming that women simply
aren’t as sexual.
More accurate would be to state that what men and women find
sexually appealing and arousing, how they react to such stimuli, and
the levels at which they respond to such urges differ greatly – but do
not take away from the inherent sexuality of women.
It is also a fallacy to say that the sole or primary benefit or reason that
women engage in sex is for an emotional connection; rather, while
some women do enjoy sex more because of the emotional connection,
it is not a necessary component of their actual satisfaction or orgasm.
In fact, the vagina – specifically the clitoris – has thousands more
nerve endings than the penis, which means that its orgasm can be
correspondingly much, much more intense than the male orgasm, and
contradicts the belief of those men who are convinced that women

don’t really ‘feel it.’ (Not to mention that women are capable of
different types of orgasm and multiple orgasms.)
It is worth noting that, once sexually aroused, women have a much
stronger need to orgasm than men do. If they are stimulated and left
unsatisfied, it causes extreme emotional upset (and significant
physical discomfort). Should this become a recurring pattern, where
husbands reach climax but make no effort to ensure their wives’
satisfaction, women often end up angry and resistant to being sexually
available.
Psychological HalehBanani mentions as well that women who are
emotionally unsatisfied in their marriages yet are sexually fulfilled
have higher rates of remaining within that marriage than the other
way around. If that doesn’t underscore the point well enough, I don’t
know what will.
The claim that women have fewer or less intense desires, or a
somehow less important need for orgasm, is in fact an unhealthy way
of minimizing female sexuality and its priority in a relationship.
This takes place both amongst Muslims and non-Muslims and is a sign
of how misogyny permeates our attitudes such that we automatically
do not consider women to be of equal footing even in bed (and God

help any woman who shows any sign of initiating sexual interest or
contact!).
While the argument may go on to rage over who is ‘more’ sexual
(keeping in mind that new studies continue to emerge on the topic,
with sometimes paradoxical results), there is no benefit to be gained
from pushing the view that women are simply less sexual beings.
In fact, it does the opposite, by telling men that they do not have to
consider their wives’ sexual needs to be as important or necessary
(the caveat that ‘a woman’s right to sexual satisfaction is guaranteed
in Islam’ does nothing to change the final message).
It is also implying to women that they should give up hope of true
sexual satisfaction because it’s unrealistic and biologically unnecessary
for them to experience it (but hey, all women really want are snuggles
and warm fuzzy cuddles, right?).
It is high time that we begin to provide qualified individuals in the
Muslim community who can discuss sex – and especially female
sexuality – from a more nuanced and accurate perspective.
Otherwise, Muslim leaders who take it upon themselves to talk about
the subject are simply contributing to the already terrible state of

Muslim intimacy, and the continued struggles of Muslim women
seeking satisfaction and fulfillment in their own marriages.
What truly needs to be encouraged, emphasized, and taught is the
importance of men and women alike to improve communication with
their spouses about matters of intimacy.
From there, it should become much easier for husbands and wives to
become comfortable with their own and each other’sbodies; and for
husbands to understand the various factors affecting women that may
be significantly responsible for obstacles to sexual fulfillment.
Just as men have their own unique preferences, levels of libido, and
so on, so too are the tastes and desires of women varied and vast.
To truly seek an improvement to the sex lives of married Muslims, the
first step should not be to make sweeping generalizations of female
sexuality that are based on androcentric perspectives.
Rather, it must be recognized that championing outdated ideas causes
a great deal of harm to both men and women. A more nuanced and
accurate understanding of female sexuality must be collectively
pursued in order to see significant positive change in Muslim
marriages.

Islam, Women and Sex: Do We Overdo
Things?
BY RAUDAH MOHD YUNUS
I was deeply amused by
Umm Zakiyyah’s recently
publishedarticleentitled 'Good Muslims Don't Think About Sex'.

The absurd reaction shown by the assistant teacher against an
innocent little girl’s dream ‘to be a mommy ‘is a good and practical
reminder to us that, in reality, there are still many Muslims out there
who tend to overdo things and therefore hold such views.
I encountered a more or less identical experience during my teen
years. Having been naive and young at that time, I became a victim of
ignorance, believing that anything to do with sex was Islam's greatest
enemy and that as good Muslims, we had to suppress as much as
possible any elements that could possibly bring sex into imagination or
discussion. In most of the cases, women were the easiest and most
vulnerable targets and scapegoats.
After leaving high school, I joined a short pre-university course at a
local institution. Since it was a transit for further studies in the Arab
world, all other participants came from a so-called religious
educational background or religious schools.
I was the only one from a mainstream public school and without any
formal Arabic language qualification. The only reason that made me
end up there was purely interest and a newly discovered passion in
Islam.

At a first glance, things appeared innocent enough, with the students
displaying the typical enthusiastic 'Islamic' appearance: girls in their
long hijab (called 'tudung' in Bahasa) and guys mostly in their small,
white hats (called 'kopiah'), which are usually a sign of piety or
religiosity in our culture. I had long dreamed of having such Godly
companions in life and so was very excited in the first few weeks. I
must be in the right path, I told myself and my excessive eagerness to
be 'good' made me observe them so closely in admiration, and cling to
their every word.
 All That Glitters Is Not Gold
A month or so passed by and I began to sense something wrong. Some
of these 'Islamic' students, especially the guys, were overdoing things.
At first, I thought I was the one with insufficient Islamic knowledge
and so it was better to keep my mouth shut, but with each day, I
found my natural instinct as a human rebelling against their seemingly
‘Islamic’ practices.
In the class, we were indirectly told that Muslim girls were not
supposed to be too active or vocal; asking the lecturer too many
questions was inappropriate because pious Muslim girls should be
quiet. Voice was an 'aurah' and could provoke sexual thoughts and so,
keeping quiet was the safest thing.

If a friend of mine stood in front to present something, some guys
would boo her and mock her from behind. If one of us talked too
loudly by mistake, they would send us a note, giving a short religious
sermon of how a Muslim girl should behave.
Delving deep into the issue to quench my thirst for the truth, I
discovered that all those absurd ideas were shared directly or
indirectly by the very teachers teaching in the so-called religious
schools or madrasahs.
Girls especially, were brainwashed first into believing that they were
the source of all evils and sexual misconducts and therefore, they had
to be under control, to salvage humankind. Few friends shared with
me their awkward experience at different Islamic schools where male
students were so dominant and girls were constantly suppressed; the
dress code was always very strict for girls. A slightest deviation from
the standard code would render a female student's reputation and
honor at stake.
In one famous school, girls were expected to dress in certain colors:
black, grey, white. In short, any dull color. Other colors or colorful
dresses were considered sexually arousing and so forbidden. Trousers

were a taboo, for the same reason. Red trousers were especially
banned because they could be tempting to male students!
 This Is Not Islam
What had gotten into these people's minds? This could not be true, I
kept telling myself. Nor does Islam support such ideas.
Of course, Islam emphasizes decency and chastity, forbids excessive
and unnecessary mingling between men and women, and it prescribes
a decent dress code for both men and women. But to interpret
everything in Islam from a sexual point of view and to think that men-
women relation was all and only about sex was a sign of ignorance. To
treat women in such a way that they could not even express
themselves or choose what color of dress they could wear,even while
following the Islamic dress code, was a sign of danger and extremism.
Worse was the fact that those male students were actually in delusion
and terrible deception; thinking that, as males,, they were naturally
created as sexual beings and would immediately lose sanity at the very
sight of women. If I were a male, I would in fact feel insulted to be
perceived as sexual beasts that needed to control women in order to
be in the right mind. A real Muslim man is surely higher than that!

I flew to Egypt months later and the same degree of confusion
lingered around, if not worse. This time I came across a group of
female students who literally put stones in their mouths while talking
to men from behind the curtain. I asked why. They said the real female
voice should not be heard as it could cause sexual excitement and
corrupt men's mind.
They read out a Qur’anic verse where God told the wives of the
Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, not to speak in a soft and
pleasing manner so as not to open any possible doors of evil for weak
men. Some of them wore very big and loose long gowns with several
layers of clothing inside in order to make sure that the body shape was
not revealed.
To be more precise, it was not to conceal the body shape, but to make
the body look bigger and a bit fatter than its actual size. Stories of rape
and sexual harassment were commonly circulated among the female
students to cause fear and hinder them from travelling without
mahram or male representatives.
My multiple attempts to negotiate with myself to accept and
neutralize their arguments miserably failed despite my newly-found
craving for Islam. I realized most people were not thinking enough and

hence, the easy inclination towards excessiveness. Living in a small
community, which not only condoned but promoted those ideas, the
short cut was to accept what other people had been following rather
than to go against the flow.
I was no expert, but my simple understanding of the Islamic spirit and
the faith I had in God somehow told me that Islam taught wisdom,
simplicity, moderation and common sense. One does not have to
overdo things to be pious on one hand, while over- simplifying is
equally a blunder, on the other hand. It is the perfect and beautiful
balance between the two that makes Islam appealing and practical for
the whole of humankind.
Many ill-informed Muslims think that, by being very strict and harsh,
they get closer to God. This is how negative qualities like being
judgmental, overly suspicious and hatred or discrimination against
women are bred.
This misconception also opens various doors to elements of extremism
and subsequently, unwarranted retaliation and ill feelings, which
eventually provoke enemies of Islam to ridicule the religion. While it is
not true that Islam treats its women as passive, suppressed and
dependent beings, there is sadly some truth in claims that some

Muslim men and some ignorant Muslim communities handle women
that way.
Perhaps if we can rediscover common sense, moderation and wisdom,
which I believe have always been at the core of Islamic teachings,
many doors of fallacy and mistaken belief about Islam will be
automatically removed without us having to endlessly explain or
apologize too much.

8 Reasons Why I’m Grateful to Be a
Woman
BY HASNAA HASSAN
Have you ever thought about the blessings of being a woman?
Sometimes we just take things for granted without stopping for a
while to think about very important things in our lives; one of such
important things is being a
woman!
I’ve thought about it and
found my own reasons.
I Am Emotional: I am free to
cry and have insecurities
without caring much about
how others would see me.
I’m better than men expressing my feelings and emotions. I get to
indulge my weakness and celebrate my strengths in full glory and
appreciation to what God has given me.

I Am Beautiful: All women are beautiful, no exaggeration. Beauty is
not just in our faces. Just try to know yourself and definitely you’ll get
to realize where your beauty lies.
I’m The More Delicate Yet, The Stronger Gender: Yes, it’s true that
women are delicate, soft and tender creatures, but they are much
stronger than men. Women work longer hours during their lifetime
than men. Women have less leisure time, let alone pregnancy, labor
and child rearing.
I Am The Mother: I’ve to admit that being a mother is not an easy job.
Mothers suffer a lot of pain, stress; they are 24 hours day on duty!
Yet, the experience of having grown a child inside of me is an
incredibly amazing experience. It’s common but no less incredible.
I Can Easily Make Friends: Women are better at social thinking &
interactions than men, while men are more abstract and task-
orientated. This is why women are normally better at communication
and making new friendships.
I Am The Source of Love on This Planet: Talking about love, one
would automatically think of women. The woman is the loving wife,
the kind mother and the caring friend. This world cannot survive
without love; without women!

I Have Female Intuition: Life experiences and scientific researches
show that Women have an instinctive understanding about life, love,
and the dynamics of personal relationships. Women tend to be the
core of family interconnectivity and the rock that supports in times of
great need or sorrow.
Women can hear what is not being said and feel what is not being
expressed.
I Am the Precious Jewel, Protected by God: Being a Muslim woman, I
love how God protected me and granted me all rights as an equal
person. Islam appreciates women and puts them in an elevated
position in contrary to what non-Muslims claim about women’s
oppression In Islam:
{Anyone who acts rightly, male or female, being a believer, We will
give them a good life and We will recompense them according to the
best of what they did.} (An-Nahl 16:97)

The Modern Muslim Misogynist
BY INAS YOUNIS
When a man opens the door
for a woman, carries her
belongings, or provides for
her so she does not need to
work outside the home,
Feminists call it sexism; we
call it chivalry. Feminists call
it condescension; we call it
foreplay. Feminists call it
oppression; we call it
romance. Sometimes in the
Muslim world, a little
benevolent sexism can be sexy.
Islam characterizes a woman’s nature as being pure and in need of
protection. Women are idealized and placed on a pedestal to preserve
their more glorified view of reality. Women in Islam are encouraged to
accept that they have physical disadvantages, because Islam has
transformed these into a social advantage, by affording them a

privileged status. Of course, all of this plays out rather ceremoniously,
if at all. But it is part of the social contract Muslim women have
traditionally embraced.
The attraction of Islamic sexism is that it’s optional; there is nothing in
Islam which makes blind subservience a mandatory article of faith. The
spirit of Islam is designed to give women a sanitized version of
freedom, as in freedom with security. It recommends obedience, as a
courtesy to the masculine spirit, which we admittedly love and wish to
preserve.
 Who is the weaker Sex? Is It Men or Women?
Most observant Muslim women defend this form of benevolent
sexism as being positively liberating. But whether this line of reasoning
can translate positively remains to be seen. For if a woman is advised
to embrace her biological disadvantages as a fact of nature, should she
then not extend the same social courtesy to men who, according to
the same logic, are biologically predestined to act on their sexual
impulse without exercising any restraint.
Women may be the weaker sex, but men, we are told, are the weaker
sex when it comes to sex.

And since Women are conditioned to believe that men are socialized
by women, a transgression on his part becomes a failure on hers.
Although this is not explicitly stated, it is implicitly understood that
when men misbehave, the fault rests with the women in our society;
whose role is to maintain an image by overruling reality.
Because the reality is, that benevolent sexism was sexy only so long as
our malevolent politics kept our men so paralyzed that patriarchy was
their only masculine refuge. Unfortunately, as attitudes are shifting in
favor of more and more freedoms in the Muslim world, they are
sliding in the opposite direction when it comes to freedoms for
women. In fact, as if in a last ditch effort to maintain the status quo,
benevolent sexism in the Muslim world has given birth to a new
aberration - the modern Muslim misogynist.
When I talk about Muslim misogyny, I am not speaking of Taliban style
violence against women. Misogyny is too mild a term to describe
these paragons. Misogyny is a psychological term, which means hatred
towards women for being women. The Taliban and their ilk don’t hate
women; they hate everything. They are a phenomenon more properly
dealt with by other aggressors, and not the pop psychology more
applicable to the modern Muslim misogynist, who by default of his
complacency has become the appeaser to his aggressive counterpart.

Like his aggressive counterpart, he too believes that God has created
him to be a rational being, except when it comes to his sexual
capacity, where he is totally helpless and inclined by nature to
gravitate towards the path of least resistance. And to prevent him
from falling into the deplorable world governed by loose women, he
demands that all women exercise whatever degree of modesty he
needs to maintain a state of chemical castration.
All women must, for the benefit of preserving his dignity, and the
dignity of his society, act as one organism and not as individuals. In
some places, this is taken so literally that all women are legally
required to dress exactly the same; In others they are expected to be
completely desexualized.
 Modern societies & hyper-sexualization
Naturally, this has had the opposite effect, and has led to the hyper-
sexualization of the most benign and innocent expressions of female
beauty. A modern Muslim misogynist does not see women as pure; he
sees them as failures of purity, and as a necessary evil. He secretly
sympathizes with the man who aggresses against them, but he is too
politically correct and too troubled by contradiction to articulate why
he feels this way. So he relies on his emotional responses to give him
clues about his values.

The modern Muslim misogynist is not orthodox in terms of religious
practice, and he tends to be an avid consumer of popular culture. He
has an emotional attachment to his religion and a militant attachment
to his politics. He tends to be an educated man permeating with
intellectual flatulence, but he knows little about religion, and feels that
he is not able to live up to Islamic ideals, because he has accepted the
antithesis of those ideals as articles of faith.
He encourages his women to be educated, not in the name of her
protection, but in the name of liberty - his financial liberty. He masks
his contempt towards women with humor, which he displays in the
male infested dens of a hookah bar, a place where a woman needs no
less than two male chaperones to protect a reputation more visible
than she is.
It is within these male dominated public spaces that the modern
Muslim misogynist laments his predicament, as a victim of a
“modernized world.” What he is lamenting of course is the old
patriarchal order where he can do no wrong. To stand purely on merit,
in a free market world of ideas, is a demotion for this Armani-suited
modern Muslim.

It is a step-down from a throne where the proverbial pedestal is a
mere footrest. He has already found his comfort zone in a world
where politically nothing works, and he has installed himself as its
dictator and planted God as his protector. He feels nostalgic about the
time when women were self-regulated because he had them
convinced that self-repression and blind obedience is social
responsibility and religious glory.
He encourages promiscuity in the women he meets because he needs
to destroy the abstraction of a sexually pure woman, as a way of
exonerating himself from his failures as her caretaker, lover, and
protector.
The women he seeks, interprets his desire for her body as a sign that
she is finally being recognized as a sexual being and not a monk who
exists to preserve his sense of spiritual possibilities. He becomes
impotent toward the mother of his children, and feels drawn to the
most sordid type of woman, which in his mind, is any woman who will
sleep with someone like him.
He grew up in a world where the best man cannot win and the worst is
the only one who stands a chance. And feeling paralyzed by this
political reality, he abdicates his ambitions and proclaims himself an

idealist, which is merely a disguise for what he has really become – a
cynic, and what he has always been – a spoiled brat.
Between the village politics of an ignorant man, and the enlightened
politics of the Renaissance man, lies this masculine failure who blames
womankind, not because she is feminine, but because she was not
feminine enough to make his masculine features appear to be grander
than they really are.
Nevertheless, women in Islam continue to fulfill their part of the social
contract, by feigning weakness as a sign of spiritual strength. But can
taking the high road ever really work when one is dealing with a low
life?
Perhaps It’s time to fast forward the discussion on women’s rights,
past the irrelevant assertions that Islam is being hijacked by
extremists, to the acknowledgment that sexism is just part of religion’s
packaging, and for the modern Muslim misogynist- its greatest
appeal.
This article was first published at New Age Islam.com and it’s
republished here with a kind permission from the author.

CHAPTER 2
BEING A WORKING MUSLIM WOMAN

Do Muslim Women Need Financial
Independence?
BY SADAF FAROOQI
I often come across rather polarized views regarding women and
wealth. On one end, are the slightly misogynistic myths that purport
that if a woman is allowed to earn her own money and become
financially independent, she
becomes too headstrong and
rebellious, and loses interest in
living a simple life that is spent
mostly at home, with her family as
her main focus.
Consequently, many of those who
endorse this myth oppose higher
education for girls (lest these girls
become too difficult to ‘control’)
and discourage or outright disallow
women of any age from doing anything besides their domestic duties
of serving their husbands, taking care of their homes, and raising their
children.

Surprisingly, men and women who hold such beliefs think nothing of
the women in their family wasting time watching television, idly
surfing social media and the Internet, gossiping on the phone, reading
fashion magazines, or splurging whatever money they possess in
beauty salons, clubs and malls.
On the other extreme exists the belief that all women should get
highly educated and work full-time in order to be as, if not more,
materially successful and financially independent as men.
Most of those who endorse this latter concept believe that every
woman should work at a full-time job in order to prove that she is
doing something worthwhile, focusing only on ascending the
corporate ladder no matter how loudly the ticking of their biological
clocks resonates in their own ears, or how intensely they secretly
desire maternity and a slower, more peaceful life that is totally in their
own control.
For many of those who possess such strong views, women who choose
to “just” stay at home and raise a family are akin to ‘losers’.

 Any Compromise?
The reality is that women should be allowed to grow and mature
according to their own individual selves, and yes, in my opinion, their
first priority (either before or after marriage) should be their home — I
strongly believe in and endorse this tenet of Islam.
I think that full-time, physically demanding jobs are for men because
they have been obligated by Allah to work hard to provide for their
families, whereas financial empowerment is for women.
Now let me explain what I mean, before you think that I just
contradicted myself!
Having a job means that you are practically someone’s servant (yup,
even if you are CEO of your organization, because if the CEO doesn’t
deliver results, he will be out of his job, and stripped of his flashy set
of company-maintained wheels right after the next annual board
meeting, will he not?).
While a Muslim man has no choice but to join the rat race of
employed corporate professionals as soon as possible, in order to
fulfill the obligation of providing for his family, women have been
spared the pressure of awaking at the crack of dawn to go out, take

orders from someone else, and spend most of their day doing tasks
that will be checked for performance appraisals later.
Women have been absolved from taking orders from others about
what to do all day, because what most of them might really want to
do is wake up at their own leisurely pace, prepare and consume a lazy
breakfast at home without being rushed, and proceed to spend their
day as they please – not as someone orders them to, in return for
payment.
 Definition of Success: Financial Freedom
Today’s women have been largely duped into believing that a
successful person is the one who is kept on a tight leash by his
employer, albeit paid highly on a monthly basis and provided
impressive ‘perks’ in return for giving their fixed daily time and efforts
to the duties of their job, and that too, strictly according to their
employer’s wishes.
Most “empowered” working professionals today, will readily agree
that the truly successful people are those who achieve enough
material success/financial freedom in life, which allows them to retire
early and lounge around next to a pool in their own
mansion/farm/ranch/seaside retreat, sipping a (non-alcoholic) drink,

and henceforth focus all their efforts on philanthropy and
humanitarian work aimed at improving the lot of those in the world
who are less privileged than themselves.
Yet, despite this widely accepted definition of worldly success (which
is equated with complete financial freedom, as I said), many still look
down upon the similarly ‘empowered’ Muslim woman who has been
absolved from having to work for someone else in return for a salary.
She has been, instead, allowed to lounge around like this in her home,
enjoying full financial security by having her husband provide for her,
which allows her ample time and opportunities to do other kinds of
beneficial work for others, on her own terms; work that she fits into
the spare time lying around in her schedule - a schedule that is
dictated primarily by her home-related obligations and duties.
When women do not want to be liberated by the excellence that Allah
has provided to them through Islam (by absolving them from having to
work in order to provide for themselves, or for others), but instead,
want to “earn it” themselves by working outside the home, just like
men.
The fact is that for most young, single women who are used to
supporting themselves financially by working at a strictly structured

full-time job, it is often very difficult to become entirely dependent on
their husbands for money after marriage.
It is another fact that many men (at least in the part of the world from
which I hail) get intimidated by powerful and wealthy women. They
prefer to marry women who are, and will continue to be, financially
lesser-off than them and entirely dependent upon them for money.
Such women are (according to their perception) easier to satisfy,
‘control’, and ‘tame’ into submission.
What I am saying is, that if a wife earns more money than him, a
husband might start to change towards her in his attitude and
behavior. This is a fact (not one that I am endorsing, but just stating)
that exists all around the world, whether we like it or not.
Anyhow, what I want to say is that I do not subscribe to either of the
polarized beliefs regarding women and wealth that I have mentioned
above.
My beliefs lie somewhere in between: I think that even though a
woman’s “base” should be her home (where she works and stays most
of the time, arising from it only on the basis of need), she should not
let her spare time – the one left over after she is done with her
domestic duties – go to waste.

Rather, she should spend it in doing beneficial work for humankind,
which is very easy to do in the current day and age, with the Internet
and telecommuting options making it possible to bring about global
good from within the confines of one’s own home office.
I also think that if women efficiently manage the money and other
financial assets that they possess (and as life goes on, they will be
possess more and more wealth, I can tell you that much, — but only if
they discipline themselves to save it, spend it wisely, discharge
their zakah scrupulously, and give supererogatory charity regularly for
the sake of Allah), they can become financially very secure without
needing to work for an employer — ever.
I refer to the Quran and sunnah as usual, whenever I am pondering
about something in my mind (which is currently the issue of women
and wealth), and I try to find answers therein.
To be continued…
Republished, with kind permission, from Sister Saddaf's
blog: http://sadaffarooqi.com/

Modern Day Marriages: When Wives
“Wear the Pants”
BY SADAF FAROOQI
Until two or three decades
ago, when daughters were
born, they were expected
to eventually go on to
master just a few, basic
‘womanly’ domains in
adult life: the kitchen, the
sewing machine, the
knitting/crochet needles
and embroidery hoop, the
home, the entertainment of guests (i.e. hostessing), and last but not
least, the bearing and rearing of children.
Things were different then. For instance, a “publication” was
something physical, churned out by gigantic printing presses, and a
“job” was something that could only be done by leaving the house and
going to an office for most part of the day.

That “office” was mostly a dreary-looking building full of men in dark
suits. Women usually belonged only to one of two exclusive
categories: domesticated/stay-at-home ladies, or full-time career
women.
Furthermore, if married women wanted to earn a supplementary
income without leaving home, they had very few options, such as
tutoring schoolchildren, operating a home-based daycare or
babysitting service, or starting a textile/clothing business.
Men were expected to bring in the main household income as primary
breadwinners, and women were ‘supposed to’ focus on their primitive
but pivotal role: that of raising children.
 Change of Social Dynamics
Every era has its own set of tests and trials. One of the trials of the
current era is that girls and women are increasingly becoming more
successful and accomplished, in the realms of both, higher education
and professional careers, than their male counterparts. Now they are
able to find, and keep, lucrative and well-paying jobs almost as, if not
more easily than, men.

We might scoff and say that’s not true, but one needs to just take a
cursory look at any major cosmopolitan city of the world to notice the
difference in workplaces now, in how an increasing number of women
are joining and climbing the corporate hierarchy.
What’s more, while they are inclining towards delaying marriage in
order to get educated and to establish their careers first, most of them
are successfully able to juggle even marriage, motherhood and
homemaking with their careers once they become wives and mothers.
The fitnah (tribulation) of rising homosexuality among young men is
not helping this trend at all. The more effeminate the men, the less
they are able to “wear the pants” that are required to capably head
and run a household, and to raise a family.
 Women Rising to the Occasion
There was a time when it was possible to obtain a blanket statement
or a clearcutfatwa from Islamic scholars regarding whether Muslim
women could “work” professionally or not, in order to earn money.
That was back when “working” involved leaving the home, commuting
long distances to spend the whole day at an office/workplace,
interacting/mixing freely with non-mahrum men while there,

watering/toning down their level of modesty in hijab to do so, and
neglecting their children’s upbringing in the process.
Now, it is not possible to give such a blanket statement of either “yes”
or “no” when talking about the permissibility of women working in the
light of Islam, because of two major factors that have changed:
1. “Work” and careers have gone digital, with tasks accomplished
easily now over virtually connected, wireless Internet networks,
including any needed interactions with non-mahrum male colleagues.
From behind a digital screen, and across thousands of
physical/geographical miles, it is now possible for women to do a lot of
professional work very efficiently for corporations, from within the
confines of their homes, in the presence of their children.
The whole brick-and-mortar “office building” concept (including the
bulky, bound paper files and folders used for the storage of data) is
now losing ground, due to rising numbers of virtually connected
employees dwelling in different countries and time zones, who work,
communicate, and exchange digital files through smart phones,
laptops, tablets, and desktop computers.
Examples of work that women can now easily do from their homes
and get paid for it, are: editing and curating content, writing,

proofreading, translating, fact-checking, developing educational
curricula, online tutoring, developing software/phone applications and
websites, and managing social media, among others.
2. Married men, for whatever reason, are finding it difficult to land
and hold down permanent or even contract jobs for long periods of
time. Many women, therefore, be they the single young daughters of
retired elderly fathers, or the desperate wives of laid-off and jobless
husbands with several little children to raise, are turning to
freelance/part-time jobs or other lines of work in order to “put food
on the table”, so to speak.
And they are doing a great ‘job’ at it! Pun unintended.
 Emasculation vsWearing the Pants
When a woman brings in money into the household, the dynamics of a
marriage change. It happens subtly.
It is just not possible for a wife who was initially completely dependent
on her husband - for food, clothing, medical expenses, and
accommodation,- to start supporting not just herself but also her
husband and their children by earning money and spending it on

them, to not get affected by the change of dynamics that this “extra”
action of hers brings into the equation.
Whatever a wife spends on her husband and children from her wealth,
is considered asadaqah. In Islam, the giving hand is considered
superior to the receiving hand. Also, one of the reasons outlined by
the Quran, for the greatness of a husband’s rights over his wife, is that
he spends his wealth upon her (in the form of mahr and regular
maintenance).
Now, two situations can arise once the wife starts earning a lot of
money and spending it on the household:
- If the husband is sincerely, consistently trying his best to find a
job/earn enough money to support his wife and children, but fails to
do so, and he secretly dislikes taking money from his wife, and feels
guilty for her having to work to support the household,- the righteous
wife who ‘brings home the bread’ will probably still continue to
respect and obey such a husband, and to give him all his rights in
Islam.
- If the husband is instead happy and satisfied about being supported
financially by his wife; and if he becomes deliberately careless and lax
about striving to earn money to support his family over a long period

of time, simply because his wife’s income is more than enough to
support them all, then this implies that his gheerah has waned viz. he
has become emasculated. In such a scenario, even a very sincere and
righteous wife might eventually lose her respect for such a husband,
and could even begin to show signs of nushooz.
At this point I’d like to point out that, in Islam, a husband has no right
on his wife’s money, and she is not obliged to spend it on the
household, nor can she be forced to, by him or by her in-laws.
If a practicing Muslim wife willingly earns and spends money on the
needs of the household (viz. her husband, herself, and the children) in
an Allah-conscious effort to maintain the happiness of the home and
to fill their stomachs, then since she is being a muhsin i.e. a doer of
extra, non-obligatory good, the husband and his family
shouldincrease in respect and kind treatment towards her.
And the least they can do in that vein, is to never use force or coercion
to make her continue working against her will; or to take any extra
penny from her hard-earned money besides that which she herself
gives to them happily, and to not force her to do all the housework
herself, the way she used to when she was not working.
The recompense of ihsan should be nothing but ihsan.

 Conclusion: Man Up and Appreciate Her
While it is trying and sometimes difficult for any wife to be totally
dependent upon her husband financially, especially if he is poor, stingy
and/or harsh/apathetic in treatment towards her, it is also trying for a
gainfully employed and Allah-fearing wife to continue to support her
jobless husband over time, especially if he deliberately turns into a
spineless, lazy slob and doesn’t help her out with babysitting or
household chores, making her serve him and clean up after him just
like she used to before she started working, in addition to providing
for him and their children.
Truly, to such husbands, the Prophet’s ‎(PBUH) advice is most fitting:
“Fear Allah with regard to women, for you have taken them as a trust
from Allah.” *Sahih Muslim]

Women at the Prophet's Time:
Empowered But Humble
BY SADAF FAROOQI
Alhamdulillah, I came
across a hadithof Sahih
Al-Bukhari, which I am
going to take you through
below, which threw
ample light upon the
nature of the Allah-
fearing and financially
empowered women
(sahabiat) who lived at
the time of our Prophet
(peace be upon him).
The central figure in it is
Zainab, the wife of the noble companion Abdullah bin Mas’ud (May
Allah pleased with them).

Narrated `Amr bin Al-Harith: Zainab, the wife of `Abdullah said, “I was
in the Mosque and saw the Prophet saying, ‘O women! Give alms even
from your ornaments.’
The narration begins with Zainab present in the masjid of Prophet
Muhammad (PBUH) listening to him as he was exhorting the women
who were there to give in charity, even from some of their trinkets
and jewelry.
This proves two things: first, that women used to listen to the sermons
of the Prophet in his masjid and that he’d address them specifically
during these sermons.
The second is that women have been especially advised by the
Prophet (PBUH) to give away some of their jewelry in charity for the
sake of Allah.
 Zainab, the Secret Provider
Muslim women at the time of Prophet Muhammad were financially
secure and empowered, yet they downplayed their affluence. They did
not need fancy job titles or a bunch of “Yes-Ma’am”-saying
subordinates to feel worthwhile.

Zainab used to provide for `Abdullah and those orphans who were
under her protection. So she said to `Abdullah, ‘Will you ask Allah’s
Messenger whether it will be sufficient for me to spend part of the
Zakat on you and the orphans who are under my protection?’
He replied, ‘Will you yourself ask Allah’s Messenger?’
This part of the above mentioned hadith is even more enlightening!
1. Zainab used to financially support not just her husband (who was
undoubtedly out of work and needy) but also some orphans
(in another narration found in SunanibnMajah, they are mentioned to
be her deceased brother’s children) – and she undertook this spending
for the sake of Allah.
2. Zainab wanted to know if she could count this spending of hers
as zakah. What did she do? Did she go out and ask the Prophet
herself? No, she took her husband’s counsel about it, and asked him to
find this out for her by going to the Prophet with her question.
This shows that even if a wealthy Muslim wife is supporting her
husband financially, out of dire need, she should still consult him and
take his permission in matters concerning their lives, i.e. treat him as
her ameer, just as Allah has ordained.

Modern day Muslim ladies, please note: just as your employer holds a
degree above you on the basis of the contract of employment that
you’ve signed with them, for which they pay you in return for your
services, your husband will always hold a degree above you on the
basis of the contract of nikah that you’ve both signed for the sake of
Allah. So consult him and take his permission in all matters, especially
those that involve talking about him or discussing him with others.
3. Abdullah bin Masud allowed his wife Zainab to go and ask the
Prophet about this issue herself. Consequently she went. This
indicates that both of them had a secure, trusting relationship, just as
the ideal husband-wife relationship should be.
4. Abdullah did not feel his honor lessened by the Prophet discovering
that he was being supported by Zainab. Nor did he dislike his wife
going out of the house to ask the Prophet a question about matters of
jurisprudence in Deen. This indicates that Muslim women can ask
scholars and leaders questions of fiqh themselves, and their husband
should not stop them without a valid reason.
5. Zainab was truly one awesome lady. Spending on her husband
and also on her nieces/nephews? She must have a really big heart!

 Going Incognito Out of Humility ‫‏‬
(Zainab added): ‘So I went to the Prophet and I saw there an Ansari
woman who was standing at the door (of the Prophet) with a similar
problem as mine. Bilal passed by us and we asked him, ‘Ask the
Prophet whether it is permissible for me to spend (the Zakat) on my
husband and the orphans under my protection.’ And we requested Bilal
not to inform the Prophet about us.
1. It seems that the women at the time of the Prophet (PBUH) used to
spend their money in the way of Allah more than on worldly interests.
Most of the women I’ve taught Fiqh of Zakah to at Al-Huda, shared
with me that they did not possess enough liquid cash to discharge
the zakah on their gold, as they were not earning money.
2. I came to the conclusion that they were unable to save any money
from that which they were given by their husbands for household
expenditures. Most people tend to undermine, or are outright
ignorant of, the tremendous power of saving, especially for those
people who are dependent on others for money.
Saving is done by putting away a small portion of money as soon as
any money comes into your hands. Small portions thus saved add up
over time, and become a considerable pool of liquid cash. Anyway, it is
quite clear that the sahabiat were not spendthrifts.

They knew how to handle their money wisely, which is why they were
able to support their needy husbands as well as minor orphans among
their close relatives.
3. They requested Bilal to not inform the Prophet about their
identities (unless asked). This undoubtedly stems from humility: they
did not want people to find out that they were spending on their
husbands and other relatives. What taqwa!
‘So Bilal went inside and asked the Prophet regarding our problem. The
Prophet asked,‘Who are those two?’ Bilal replied that she was Zainab.
The Prophet said, ‘Which Zainab?’ Bilal said, ‘The wife of `Abdullah (bin
Mas`ud).’
I can’t help but smile at this part of the hadith! The Prophet wanted to
know who these 2 women were, who were asking him this noble
question. Bilal, keeping his word, tried to avoid revealing their
identities for as long as he could, by mentioning just their first names.
But the Prophet persisted in finding out exactly which “Zainab” it was,
who was standing at his door with this question! So, in obedience to
the messenger of Allah (PBUH), Bilal had to relent and divulge her
identity.

 Women Get Double Rewards
The Prophet said, ‘Yes, (it is sufficient for her) and she will receive a
double rewards: one for helping relatives, and the other for giving
Zakat.’”
If a Muslim man spends on his dependents, he gets one reward, that
of fulfilling his obligation. However, since a woman has not been
obligated to spend her wealth on anyone besides herself (and what
she spends in Allah’s way as zakah, if it is due on her wealth), she
gets two rewards if she spends on needy relatives. One reward for
helping relatives because giving a relative something to fulfill their
needs, leads to improvement of relations and strengthening of the ties
of blood, and one reward for discharging charity in the way of Allah.
Now I ask you, who is being given an extra degree of excellence by
Islam? Who has the greater reward, based solely on gender?
 Conclusion
In the end, I just want to point out a few things, lest this hadith be
used by some readers as an excuse to start eating shamelessly from
their wives’ money.

Ideally, a Muslim husband with a high sense of honor and self-respect
should take offense at the thought of his wife spending her money on
the household expenses, or even on her own basic expenses (such as
food, clothing, and medical needs), as these expenses are his
responsibility.
He should dislike her ‘chipping in’ to share the financial burden of
running their house to such an extent, that she should have to resort
to contributing her money in any way into their household (for the
sake of earning rewards) discreetly and secretly, so that he doesn’t
find out that she is doing it.
As for those husbands and in-laws who take a woman’s wealth by
coercion, emotional blackmail or outright force – well, they are
sinning, and will be answerable to Allah for committing this
oppression.
Husbands and in-laws nowadays do this in various ways: e.g. by not
paying a wife her dower (mahr) despite it being stipulated in
the nikah contract. Not providing for her medical expenses, even
during pregnancy and childbirth. Or by forcing her to work at a job
against her will and to give them all or a portion of her salary, or to
pay for the children’s expenses from her money.

Such ignorant Muslims should brush up on their knowledge of Islam,
increase their waning level of faith and self-respect, and stiffen up
their spines to stop themselves from stooping to this injustice.
Finally, to those working women who have become so used to living
the luxurious, independent and ‘carefree’ single life that they cannot
envision themselves being dependent on a man for money, I say: there
are some needs inside you, as a woman, that no one but a man can
fulfill, through marriage. Not even your parents, much less your
friends or siblings, can satisfy that part of you, or come close to.
There is a part of you that wants to be pampered by a man; to be
indulged and flattered by him. The part that wants a man to pick up
the cheque after dinner, carry the heavy bags during the shopping trip,
and take care of you when you are down (e.g. when you’re sick).
The part that wants strong, manly shoulders to support you with a
hug; to get wet with your tears as you sob your heart out. The part
that wants him to bring you flowers when you least expect it, hold
your hand for no reason, and caress your face like a child’s. The part
that wants you to ‘make a baby together’…

 Enough?
You don’t know what you’re missing, sister. So stop letting your love
of financial independence keep you from attaining that elusive marital
bliss, because marriage is much more than just a relationship based on
who pays the rent, and who does the pile of dishes in the sink.
To my married female readers, I entreat you to start saving money for
discharging your zakah and to spend the remaining amount wisely in
order to attain true, long-lasting financial freedom and empowerment.
Take care of your husband if, Allah forbid, he hits a bad spot in his life,
and do not desert him in pursuit of material wealth and status, unless
his character is very bad and he is severely lacking in Deen.

Quitting Job For Kids; Will I Turn A
Nobody?
BY MARIA ZAIN
“And then I turned into nobody.”
Leena talks about moving from a high flying, well-paying job, to simply
staying at home. Her family was mortified. As the eldest of seven
siblings, and all of them either in University or already a professional,
her mother’s disappointed
resonated through and
through while visitors came
to see Leena and her second
baby days after the birth.
Leena had quit her job about
a year and a half before
because she could not stand
sending her first born to a
nursery anymore.
“The disappointment was so
obvious, especially when

there were all these aunties asking how long my maternity leave
would last.” She *Leena’s mother] could not bring herself to explain
that her daughter was *just a housewife* and walked out of the
conversations.
“That expression of disappointment, of having a daughter who is a
nobody, lasts with me forever.”
Mothers Prioritizing the Home
While it seems like the ideal Muslim family with the wife staying at
home to take care of the children, it is different for daughters of some
cultures where it’s expected for women to work, build a career, bring
in a lot of money, have children, but send them off to childcare. While
there is so much media highlight on Muslim women being forced to
stay at home, many mothers like Leena – educated even – fight tooth
and nail for acceptance to just “be a mother.”
Hajar describes her route even more vividly. As a Chartered
Accountant, she quit her job while planning for her second child as she
felt she would benefit her family a little more with her presence at
home.

“My parents always measured our success by using the salary-scale
and often boasted to others on how much we [she and her siblings]
earned.”
So with Hajar quitting her job, it was a massive let down to her
family’s reputation.
Just like Leena, she turned pretty much into a nobody.
“It’s difficult,” continues Leena. “Every time there is a family meeting, I
get excluded. If I happen to be around, they will let me know that my
opinion doesn’t matter and remind me that I have children, as if
children were a deterrent from basic human intellect.”
Funnily enough, Islam puts so much emphasis on raising children that
it’s peculiar to see women being sidelined for wanting to be full time
mothers, and these were Muslim mothers to top it off.
“It wasn’t just my parents, though,” Hajar elaborates. “My husband
was terrified to inform his parents about our decision, and when he
did, things got substantially worse.”
From being the “Trophy Wife” – the one with the high flying career
(and the one who bought their home), Hajar turned into a burden
upon the son of her in-laws. Her husband had to justify how he spent

on his family. Every visit would be speckled with sarcasm, with either
one of them asking her directly when she was going to get a job again,
when she was planning to go back to work, telling her that
breastfeeding was going to result in problematic children, and that in
fact, her children were already problematic – because they were so
attached to her.
“I just remained silent as the first two [children] grew older, as they
were expecting me to go back to the workforce – and then I got
pregnant again,” says Hajar. “Needless to say, I got shut into cold
storage. My mother-in-law used to comment on how she always
worked and could never do ‘that’ [such as sit and read with the kids].
But once I was pregnant again, they stopped talking to me all
together. It was like I had gotten myself pregnant on my own or
something, just to add extra burden to their son.”
While the family seemed religiously inclined, never missing prayers
and having some “Muslim standards,” children – or grandchildren for
the matter – were not of a priority nor a pleasure. Most conversations
the family always had revolved around something materialistic, like
someone’s expensive car or someone else’s large screen television.
With their own daughter having a professional career, actively

choosing to remain single, Hajar was constantly being compared to her
designer handbag or latest mobile phone.
 Making Sacrifices that Go Unnoticed
Anis gave all of that up as well. As a mother of four, and former
banker, she decided that spending thousands of dollars on her car,
would be a small price to pay to raise her children.
“It isn’t easy,” Anis says, “You get used to money. I could buy things
for myself without asking my husband. Now I stay at home with four
children with one stable income. In a world where material success is
prioritized over the well-being of families, it can have some really
negative side effects on your self-esteem. It’s bad enough that a vast
segment of society see you as doing ‘nothing at all’.”
And again, unsupportive in-laws adds a plot-twist to an already ugly
internal struggle. “I live with my mother-in-law,” explains Anis, “She is
unwell so I try to be patient. But having her around and having her ask
me to go back to work every single day can be stressful. She even
hands me those flyers that advertise jobs for cleaners and cashiers.”
It’s not that Anis feels that these jobs are beneath her, but she does
earn a fluctuating income through blogging and affiliate sales of

Islamic products. She is also in the midst of setting up a pre-school in
her area, also through a franchise programme. Needless to say, she
has her hands full with four children accompanying her everywhere,
but her mother-in-law doesn’t understand that being a mother alone,
is enough of a job already, without the extra work that is not
obligatory upon a woman in Islam.
In fact, all three mothers started some venture right from their home,
and do not lounge around the entire day demanding for their needs to
be fulfilled. “I sympathize with my husband,” says Hajar, “It’s not easy
to survive on a single income in a growing household and he works
hard to provide for us, but sometimes it falls short. Alhamdulillah,
book-keeping for small enterprises keeps the income rolling in for us.”
On whether or not her in-laws understand this, she says: “My husband
has tried to explain that I still have an income. On one hand, I
sometimes feel relieved that he is standing up for me, but on the
other hand, I don’t think I should have to explain my choices. But it’s
not like they understand. As far as they are concerned, I am still a free-
rider.”
Leena considered going back to work too – especially when times got
hard. But she knew that it was only through the Mercy of Allah that

she and her husband were able to work through difficult financial
patches so that her children could still have her at home.
“I loved my job and my career. I was great at it, alhamdulillah. When I
tendered my resignation, my employer offered to triple my salary
because I carried so much weight in the office. I went beyond the call
of my job description and helped a lot in the office in matters that
were even over and above my scope. I had made a name for myself.”
“But I felt that I had something more important to do – I had to take
care my children. Even if it turned me into a nobody.”
It is such a pity for mothers like these to be sidelined by their families.
While they acknowledge that their husbands have to sacrifice more
with their wives staying home, their own sacrifices (of being financially
stable themselves,) and letting go of many of their own personal
needs go completely unacknowledged. All three of them – and
amongst others in their own circle of friends –wonder if this is even
normal.
 The Dutiful Daughter or Daughter-in-Law Fallacy
There is always so much hype of Muslim women seemingly oppressed
by staying at home. These women – mothers – tell a different story.

While all of them were successful graduates and professionals, they
felt their calling was more meaningful in their own home. Even with
work opportunities from home, they were still considered as
“useless,” “did nothing,” or were plainly, “living of the fat of the land.”
Staying at home brings on an internal struggle for many women,
especially for those who were brought up to believe that their self-
worth lay in their salary slips or the cars they were able to afford. And
there are those who are brave enough to take a stand against their
own culture of leaving the home and carrying their own “weight.”
While all three do feel disappointed in the lack of support from those
around them, they do find solace in supportive husbands and like-
minded mothers who chart out paths from the Corporate World to the
nucleus of their own home.

CHAPTER 3
BEING A SINGLE MUSLIM WOMAN

10 Tips on How To Be A Happy Single
Muslim Woman
BY RAYA AL-JADIR
Being a woman is a blessing
from Allah, along with
everything that has been
bestowed upon us,
whatever we have within
our grasp is a gift and one
should always accept gifts
with graciousness and
content focusing on what
one has, not what is
missing.
I understand that there is
no clear way that leads to
happiness; we are all different with unique needs, living in various
surroundings, that’s why I sought the views of friends, relatives and
co-workers from across the globe on what they thought to be ideal
tips on how to enjoy life as a single Muslim woman.

1. Your Duty to Live:
Whether we like it or not we have to live our current life so why spend
it longing for things and thinking about what it is out of reach? Trust
the plan of God and appreciate that He is the Best of Planners.
2. Contentment and Acceptance:
Always concentrate on what you have and make the most of it, enjoy
every aspect of your day and utilize your time as a single woman by
having fulfilling goals that occupy your time productively. Look around
, count your blessings and work on nurturing any positive aspect you
find within your life.
For example reconnect and take interest in your friends, build your
self-confidence or simply encourage yourself to try new things. Never
look at what others have for you will not realize what they are also
missing. I once read a quote by Theodore Roosevelt which warned
against looking at what others have “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
So never judge and just work on yourself.

3. Focus:
Focus on what makes you happy and discover yourself. Focus on your
career, studies, hobbies or learning new skill or improving an existing
one, make connection with others and try to spread happiness
everywhere.
Give your time and energy wholeheartedly to anything that provides a
source of happiness and personal satisfaction
4. Men and Marriage Are Not the Final And Ultimate
Destination:
Marriage is a grace from Allah just like work, health and fortune not
suitable or meant for all. So, make sure you don’t get preoccupied
with getting married and leave this to God’s plan for you.
It’s important to realize that marriage is not everything; it is not the
solution to our problems and not the only way to happiness.
One of the ladies that took part in my research for this article had one
piece of sound advice ‘Ignore the marriage police who make you
paranoid about being single (everyone has those nagging female
relatives and aunties who mean well but make you feel terrible!).

Remember there is nothing you can do about it, as it is up to Allah and
the name of your partner (if it's destined) was written long before
your existence…so you cannot rush fate.
5. Love Yourself and Your Own Company:
Love and trust yourself, believe that you can do everything alone
easily and always rely on God alone. Unfortunately, the truth is that if
you don’t learn to love yourself and love your life while you are on
your own and single then it is unlikely that you will be happy in a
relationship either. Learn to breath slowly, have time for tiny details
and never rush.
6. Understand And Discover Who You Are:-
Recognizing your self-worth and understanding who you are (in the
absence of everyone else) and who you aspire to be (whether that be
in the form of action/career/outlook/behavior) is an important step in
finding happiness.
In your journey of self-discovery, you will surprise yourself at being
able to do things you never thought you could do. This will not only
empower you but will leave a feeling of self-satisfaction and happiness
at being able to do anything on your own.

Challenge yourself and try new things, only then will you learn further
about your likes and dislikes and what you are comfortable with.
7. Consistency:
Once you realize what you like and enjoy doing, keep at it to see the
results. Consistency is the key. Like most things in life, you need to
wait and be patient before you can reap the ‘fruit’. Do a good activity
and observe its effect on you after few weeks or months.
Going to dance or yoga classes, music lessons or practicing sports are
very good examples.
Participate in some charity groups and organizations makes you feel
helpful and useful to the community and gives you more energy and
self-appreciation.
8. Widening Your Circle:
Islam is both a singular and collectivist religion. As a Muslim, you are
essentially never alone. It is vital that you keep your social circle
varied. Having a variety of friends with various backgrounds, beliefs,
social classes, nationalities …etc will always give richness to your life
and help you develop better understanding of life in general as well as
increasing your knowledge and experience.

9. Explore Your Surrounding and Seek The Pleasure In
Everything:
Muslim women are not less fortune in term of freedom; girls travel
and explore every aspect of the world. Some people believe that if you
are a hijabi Muslim girl then automatically you are limited, however,
that is far from truth.
Few girls that I interviewed went zip lining, snorkeling, hiking and
kayaking in Thailand, and two of them wore hijab. Another friend has
so far tried sky diving, abseiling, and wall climbing and has never
allowed her veil to prevent her from pursuing new and exciting
activities.
Seeking pleasure in life is not a negative thing as often claimed by
some, there is pleasure in trying new things, in spontaneous outings or
even in simple things such as enjoying food or observing
sunrise/sunset. As a single person, you have a wider freedom to
explore and do things that you might not be able to do as a wife or
mother.

10. Stay At Peace with Your Spiritual Side:
Always seek the guidance of God and never ignore your spiritual
needs. Attend Islamic talks; surround yourself by positive people and
religious friends.
Having religious friends doesn't always mean talking about Islam but
just hanging out and having fun with people that remind you of Allah,
encourage you to pray on time, do ‘dthikr’ together or memorize the
Qur’an will help you purify your heart and strengthen your relation
with Allah.
 The Final Result….
There is no quick guide to happiness or a magical method, mainly
because happiness is like any emotion - a temporary state that won’t
last forever. Therefore, we should strive to be content and at peace
with the world.
I recently read a line in Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert that
summarizes quite adequately one’s mission in this world,
“You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a
human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how
slight.”

“Single and Proud”
BY RASHA DEWEDAR
Last week I was reading
through a newspaper about
an Egyptian wife where she
literally said that after 18
years of marriage she came
to the conclusion that
marriage is colorless,
tasteless, boring and
exhausting!
When I went through the
details of the story, I found out that this wife is neither beaten nor
abused by her husband; she is just fed up with this kind of life
accompanied by her community’s negative attitude.
This opinion echoed my single friends' look at marriage as a process
and lifestyle.
The Egyptian case is a bit complicated on one hand; some single
women are very eager to marry and they knock every door to find a

groom. On the other hand, women especially in middle and upper
socioeconomic classes, think about marriage as an unfair deal.
But what are the justifications that women present for staying single?
I've never imagined myself waking up every day to this endless
number of duties, with no appreciation in return.
Actually, the issue of duties' share tops the list of why wives are
unhappy, and why single women justify rejecting the idea of marriage.
Several factors made this problem float on the surface that weren't
there in previous generations.
The stress involved in searching for work, in addition to having a full
time job with subsequent long hours of commitment, all this gets
many husbands to think: “Well, you should be grateful for me, I'm the
bread winner, and you're just raising the kids!”
Having no definite description of what is man's duty and what is
woman's duty escalates the problem and mandates a mutual
cooperation and understanding between spouses.
A successful marriage relies on both partners making their kids a gift
they both should work for rather than a load they want to escape,

trying to make things work for the better, and helping each other pass
and get over different challenges.
I don't want someone to dominate my life and tell me what to do
It is not uncommon to find husbands with the conviction that man is
the only one in the family who can take the decision, always have
more information and experience as well as more logic!
The fact on the ground is that wives are sometimes more educated
than men, more experienced, and know what is best for the family,
which is not at all comprehended or accepted by some husbands.
A single woman who has been single for a while has used to being
independent where she runs her errands, take her own decisions, and
also help others when she feels like it.
Men in this part of the world should consider women as completely
efficient and independent individuals. This thought will highly
influence their interrelationship.
I've got used to living alone for over 30 years; it's very difficult to
change now

Being above 30 means a lot; it means you have been working for few
years, most probably in different jobs, and may be in different
professions, and you've gained more experience, confidence, and
independence.
Thinking of sharing your life with someone else who probably has a
different background, experience, and understanding is sometimes
scary.
Many women are afraid that they cannot put up with their spouses
after their experiences have shaped their personality.
How would their husbands fit in their lives after they got used to take
their own decisions, to get over their challenges, to support
themselves financially, and to master their lives from almost every
aspect!
I love my work and I won't put my career at a stake
In the Egyptian community a woman is much respected for working
and financially supporting the family.
Some spouses might agree to the general concept of work, but
disagree when it comes to details.

Although a working woman can continue working after marriage;
however, she might not be able to excel in her career.
It goes without saying that a job is not only about going to the office.
Many jobs include training, business trips, overtime, etc…
These additional details are not usually welcomed by many husbands
especially when those husbands themselves have their own additional
tasks.
Many hard working women wouldn't accept to put their career at a
stake until they see how their husbands view what their job demands.
Being single is better than just getting married to 'anyone'
Some people view women who are above certain age as desperate so
they keep telling them to accept grooms whom they wouldn't accept if
they were younger.
This attitude often has a direct adverse effect in which those over-age
women would avoid events of arranged marriages and sometimes feel
bad about the whole issue of marriage.
Most of my married friends got divorced and I'm afraid to go through
this experience

Statistics of divorce is really scary for married couples as well as single
men or women.
Some women think they'd better be unmarried than going through the
pain of the divorce especially while having children.
I don't have time or energy to raise children, and I'd feel guilty if I
didn't give them thorough care
Another reason is the increasing demands of children in this
continuously changing world, which entitles both men and women for
more duties and exposes them to unprecedented stress.
In a way, parents offer their kids a more luxurious life with more
entertainment, toys, and gadgets, which is never enough for this
demanding new generation.
More efforts are also needed to keep them away from potential risks
which are quite a lot starting from junk food ending with drug
addiction.
Last but not least, the fear of having a slow pace colorless life, like the
wife's anecdote I started the article with.

According to some readers, these reasons might sound insufficient to
remain single; however, we cannot deny that it has a very important
significance.
It shows how family members, who used to think as one unit and work
for the welfare of the whole family, are now thinking independently.
It is alarming to both men and women, single or married, to revisit
their convictions, not only about their duties within the family, but
about their responsibilities to keep this family intact and happy.

Single, Professional, Good Muslim, But in
Her 30s
BY JALEES REHMAN
An interesting article on
altmuslimah.com entitled “Searching
for Khadijah: A boy’s perspective” by
Sajid Hassan garnered quite a bit of
attention as evidenced by the long
string of passionate comments it got.
The article described the pressure that
professional Muslim American women
face from their families and their social
circles to get married in their early
twenties, because it becomes much
more difficult to find a partner once
they hit their thirties.
The article suggested that Muslim men
are more interested in marrying
younger women than women in their
thirties, and described the author’s

own experience with his quest to defy these social norms in the
American Muslim community by searching for a bride that was older
than him.
It is difficult to obtain objective statistical data on the marriage pool
of American Muslims, but based on my own anecdotal experiences, I
can confirm that the American Muslim community indeed encourages
men to marry younger women, leaving single Muslim women in their
thirties who are interested in getting married to choose from a limited
selection of potential candidates.
Some friends of ours recently chaperoned a “match-making” evening
for single Muslims in the Chicago suburbs, and it appeared that the
female to male ratio was 3:1 for single Muslims in their thirties seeking
a spouse.
While these are subjective impressions, it may still be a useful exercise
to try to analyze this skewed distribution.
 Fertility… and What Else?!
A so called “ticking reproductive clock” is one of the conventional
arguments most often cited to explain why Muslim American men
prefer to settle down with women who are in their early twenties.

The term refers to the fact that women experience a gradual drop in
their fertility as they age, while the incidence of birth defects increases
with the age of the child-bearing mother.
However, in modern day society couples have a substantially smaller
number of children than they did 50 or 100 years ago. Therefore,
women who marry in their thirties are often able to have the desired
number of children during their child-bearing years without having to
feel the pressure of the “reproductive clock”.
I would like to propose a different reason for why Muslim men may be
more interested in marrying younger women. While women used to
get married at a much younger age in prior centuries, women today
often delay their nuptials for the purpose of obtaining graduate
education and embarking on a professional career.
In the United States, many of the single, professional Muslim women
in their thirties have graduate degrees under their belts and are
earning an above-average income. The majority of Muslim American
men are either immigrants or children of immigrants from the Arab
World or South Asia.
Often, such immigrant culture is characterized by a strong patriarchal
structure. Even second-generation Muslim Americans, who are born
and raised in this country, may retain key elements of patriarchal
behavior—one being the need to control the finances in the marriage,

and thereby sit in the driver’s seat of the relationship. However, if the
wives earn as much as or even more than their spouses, it is quite
natural for them to also want to have an equal role in making financial
decisions. This in turn, makes it very difficult for the men to justify
their dominant role in the relationship.
In addition to economic empowerment, graduate education can also
transform the mind-set of students. Most good graduate programs in
the sciences or humanities require their students to analyze texts,
challenge existing theories, and argue their hypotheses and findings in
front of an audience, all the while honing their critical thinking skills. It
is only natural for graduate students to carry this training into their
personal lives, applying it to their faith, friendships and relationships.
To take it one step further, higher education furnishes a person with
the intellectual confidence and critical thinking skills to clearly
distinguish between cultural norms and Islamic philosophy. In his book
“Speaking in God's Name: Islamic Law, Authority and Women,”
KhaledAbou El-Fadl posited that some Muslim scholars may selectively
read religious texts in a manner that justifies the imposition of
patriarchal thought.
Unlike a young woman in her early twenties, a Muslim American
female in her thirties, armed with a graduate degree/s, possesses the
ability to question this conflation of culture and religion, and threaten
her husband’s patriarchal authority in the marriage.

While there may be many reasons behind Muslim men’s disinterest in
considering Muslim women in their thirties as viable marriage
candidates, the threat this particular segment of women poses to
patriarchal structures remains a key reason.
There is a need for introspection amongst Muslim communities which
encourage women to marry at a younger age while dissuading men
from settling down with older women.
Such reflection will likely allow the members of Muslim communities
to recognize that these traditional age norms regarding marriage are
not really grounded in religious prescriptions or biological reasons,
but, instead, are remnants of patriarchal cultures that have limited
application today.
American Muslim men may have to come to terms with the fact that
male-dominated relationships are steadily becoming obsolete, and
that they may have to adapt to marital relationships that are based on
true partnerships.

When Prince Charming Never Comes
BY HEBA AL SHARIF
35-year-old Hala (not her
real name) has given up on
marriage.
"I went through a phase
that started about 10 years
ago when I was absolutely
desperate to find a
husband. I spoke to
relatives who were willing
to help; made myself
known to aunties in the
mosque; asked my married friends to see if their husbands had any
eligible bachelor friends they could set me up with,” she told
OnIslam.net.
“When I hit 33, I actually posted my profile to a Muslim matrimonial
website. That was the beginning of the end. I felt so much shame
when I did it, not because my parents were unaware — they had
actually encouraged me to 'do whatever it takes before it's too late' —
but because I wondered what was wrong with me.”

“How did I, someone with a good education, solid career, and decent
physical appearance who came from a respectable and religious
family, resort to such a desperate act? How had my parents
encouraged me to 'do anything and everything I could before it's too
late?'”
Hala's words are those of someone who's obviously struggled with an
issue that touches on the core of her nature. Her predicament made
her question her priorities in life.
“I became very depressed, really disillusioned with the idea of
marriage. How had the institution of marriage become the measure of
the worth of a woman? How had I made my personal contentment
rely solely on the ability to make a marriage match? I had spent what
seemed like a lifetime planning a wedding to a suitable husband and
imagining what kind of a wife and mother I would be. Instead, I
watched the years go by waiting for something that was out of my
control."
 Measuring Self Worth
Throughout the Muslim World, and in the case of Muslim women
living in the West, the state of wedlock has become more and more of
a rarity. Sadly, single women everywhere can relate to what she's
saying. For a number of reasons, nobody really likes to talk to that

segment of society constituting single ladies, the ones who
increasingly watch their chances of making a marriage slip them by.
There are a number of ways to look at ways that these women can
nurture their situation and how they can learn to measure their worth
in the sight of Allah, Exalted be He, without having to rely on a
marriage that might not be in their foreseeable future.
These women have to learn to move on and let come what may. They
have to learn to be fulfilled, even if marriage won't play a part in that
fulfillment. Here is a starting point plan for Hala and others who might
find themselves in a similar situation:
1. Realize that you will and Allah wills and that Allah
does what He wills.
As Muslims, one of our tenets of belief is in the Qada' and Qadar, or
divine predestination. We believe that our destiny is in the Hands of
Allah and that no matter what happens, undeniably, it was meant to
be. We do our best to have the best, we work hard and strive and
continually pray to Allah for the best, because ultimately, we do not
know what our destiny will be.
But isn't it nice to give up obsession about this destiny — to place our
fate in Allah's Hands and then let go of the results? Isn't it nice to

relax, knowing we did our best and knowing that no matter what,
Allah will provide in the way that He sees necessary? There's no need
for stress or desperate anxiety about it. Allah does what He wills —
and who can argue with that?
2. Understand that you choose your will.
In his famous 1946 book, Man's Search for Meaning, Austrian
neurologist and concentration camp inmate Victor Frankel says that
"everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the
last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of
circumstances, to choose one's own way."
It's a beautiful statement, because indeed it's the mind that makes the
most or the worst of any situation. And there is mercy from Allah for
those who choose the path of the patient and who choose to do the
best with the circumstances they are dealing with. If Hala chooses to
let her single status define who she is (for the worst), she'll be giving
up on a lifetime of opportunities that a change in attitude might let
her see.

3. Write a plan for your life and your days where
marriage doesn't play center stage.
The act of journaling — of writing down your thoughts, feelings,
hopes, dreams, and plans — is one of the best acts to get into, no
matter the circumstances. And for single ladies like Hala, the process
can be even more profound. Taking pen to paper and planning your
days on a regular basis can be difficult after having been planning for
having a husband and children for so long – but that's not to say that a
"new normal" can't be forged. It might be hard in the beginning, yes,
but to ease the process, make the first entry sound something like
this: 101 ways I'm going to live my best life as a single woman, and
then get creative with the ideas.
4. Pamper yourself — treat yourself right.
It might be that in the 101 way list, single ladies come up with a thing
or two about how they're going to experience the halal experiences of
life on earth in a way that makes them feel good.
In the case of Hala, she actually had a paternal aunt who was over 60
and who had never married. Where once she was looked upon as a
pariah, one whose situation should be avoided like a plague, Hala is
now looking to her as inspiration of someone who had made the best
of her life with what she was given.

Her aunt had traveled the world with nieces and nephews, made hajj
with her parents, and even sponsored the education and upbringing of
a couple of orphans. To see her elderly single aunt interacting with
those in her life was to watch someone who loved and was loved, and
to Hala, this was a very consoling thing. What more could anyone,
single or married, want from life?
5. Learn something new.
The term bucket list is derived from the idea that before one dies, one
would have a list of things that one does before that day, and as one
does them, one is to cross the items off the list, so that when one dies,
one's done all one wanted to on this earth. Al-Bukhari relates that Ibn
`Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) said, "If you reach the evening,
then do not expect to reach the morning, and if you reach the
morning, then do not expect to reach the evening.
Take from your health before your sickness, and from your life before
your death." To live like you're dying is to make the most of everyday,
and although married people can definitely benefit from this advice,
the fact that single people need to keep busy, to keep themselves
from languishing in a state of sadness, makes this more pertinent to
them.

6. Know that being single isn't a disease or a life
sentence.
Allah's Mercy is a grand thing. And single women should not look
upon their statuses as a disability, but rather a chance to realize His
infinite Mercy in all areas of their lives. They shouldn't equate their
contentment with their marriage status, but with their own pursuit of
happiness.
They should never lose faith in the Mercy of Allah or in the hope that
He will give them that which is best for them. In Hala's case, she's
come to realize that life does have to go on. She is still making Du`a'
and has hope that a good husband is in her future — but for today,
she is going to live her life to the fullest.

CHAPTER 4
Q&A

Being A Woman: Social Challenges, Concerns and More...

Being A Woman: Social Challenges, Concerns and More...

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