This document discusses effective communication techniques, including speaking assertively. It covers using respectful, fact-based language and focusing on nonverbal cues like eye contact, voice tone, posture, and facial expressions. Assertiveness is about respect, not aggression. Effective listening and negotiation techniques are also presented, along with how to say "no" assertively. The goal is clear, empathetic communication to foster understanding and connection.

1. Effective Communication
Speaking Up Assertively
Linda D Tillman, PhD
www.SpeakUpForYourself.com
This presentation is the property of Linda Tillman
©Linda Tillman, 2007, All rights reserved

2. Effective Communication
1. Respectful
2. Fact-based
3. Well-thought out
4. Assertive, not aggressive
5. Genuine

3. Speakupforyourself
 Assertiveness is a philosophy of respect – it is
not a formula for speaking
 Expressing oneself assertively occurs:
 Nonverbally
 Verbally
 Interactively

4. Nonverbal Aspects:
Areas on which to focus
 Eye Contact
 Voice Tone
 Posture
 Personal Space
 Facial expression
 Use of Gesture

5. Eye Contact
 The nonassertive person uses very little eye
contact
 The aggressive person never drops eye contact
 The assertive person uses direct eye contact
about 50 % of the time

6. Voice Tone
 Nonassertive: Too soft, hard to hear
 Aggressive: Too loud
 Assertive: Well-modulated tone of
voice
 Caution: Letting your voice rise at the
end of a sentence interjects a note of
uncertainty and implies that you are asking the
other person, rather than telling him/her

7. Posture
 Nonassertive person: Folds into themselves
and makes themselves small. Fidgets
 Aggressive person: Confrontive. Stands up
and leans into the other person’s space
 Assertive person: Stands up straight and tall

8. Position and Space
 Respect means keeping on the same level
 Sit when other is seated,
 Stand when other is standing
 Stay about arm’s length apart
 Standing or sitting at an angle allows each
person to escape

9. Facial Expression
 Facial expression should reflect the emotion
you are expressing
 “I am angry” requires a serious expression
 “I am delighted” requires a happy expression

10. Gestures:
Notice these gestures
 Hands on hips: aggressive
 Nodding head “yes”
 Pointing with pen in aggressive gesture
 Clenching fist
 Shaking head “no”

11. Effective Verbal
Communication
Nonverbal is the foundation – now
let’s look at effective verbal
communication

12. Good Assertive Listening
 Nonverbal Listening
 Verbal Responsive Listening
 Restatement
 Reflection
 Clarification
 Good Listening results in helpful free Information
Note: If you are thinking about what you are going to say next, you are NOT
listening

13. Nonverbal Listening
 Nod your head to indicate that you are
listening
 Lean in toward the other person to indicate that
you are attending to him/her
 Make sounds like, “Oh,” or “Um-hmmm” or “I
see what you are saying,” to indicate that you
are paying attention

14. Restatement, Reflection, Clarificatio
n
 Restatement:
 Say back to the other person what you have heard him/her
say to you
 Reflection:
 Indicate what you both saw, heard and interpreted when
he/she spoke
 Clarification:
 Ask speaker to be more definite about a point or to clear up
an assumption you are making or a conclusion you are
drawing.

15. Free Information
 Listen for information that the person shares in
the process of making a point.
 Example:
 Speaker: When I was teaching school, I remember
how hard it was to figure percentages
 Free information: Speaker was a teacher; Speaker
may have a hard time with math

16. Elements of Assertive
Communication
 Soft Assertion
 Basic Assertion
 Empathic Assertion
 Escalating Assertion
 Confrontive Assertion

17. Soft Assertion
 A soft assertion is a statement that does not
require anything of the listener
 A compliment is a soft assertion because you can
or cannot respond; you can throw the compliment
away (“Oh, this old thing!”) or you can
say, “Thank you.”
 A shirt that has a message on it such as “Save the
Whales” is a soft assertion because you do not
have to respond, but you get the stand the person is
taking when you read the shirt

18. Basic Assertion
 A Basic Assertion is a simple statement of
what you want or don’t want to happen
 “I would like to go to a movie tonight.”
 “I don’t want to have to drive carpool today.”
The Basic Assertion is strengthened by its simplicity.
Too much detail or explanation complicates the
request or stand you take.

19. Empathic Assertion
 The Empathic Assertion is the most effective
assertive statement one can make
 The empathic assertion attempts to imagine how
the other person may be thinking or feeling before
you make a basic assertion:
 “I imagine you may be feeling frustrated with the lack
of deadlines for this project, but I want us to get
everything right before we set an endpoint.”
 “If I were you, I’d want to avoid talking about this, but
I’d like to discuss how to parent our 2 year old when
he/she has a temper tantrum.”

20. Escalating Assertion
 The Escalating Assertion has a consequence
attached to it.
 “If you come in after midnight one more time, I’ll
take away your car.”
 “If you get this grant funded, I’ll make sure you
get a raise in your next review.”

21. Confrontive Assertion
 A Confrontive Assertion is a statement made
when an agreement has been violated
 “We agreed that you would take out the trash
every Tuesday in order to earn your allowance. It
is Wednesday and you didn’t take out the trash
yesterday. Consequently, I won’t be giving you
your allowance this week.”

22. Taking Responsibility
 A Negative Assertion is assertively accepting a
mistake that you have made. When George
Washington said, “I’m sorry, Dad, I chopped down
the cherry tree,” he was making a negative assertion.
 When it’s difficult for someone to say, “I’m sorry,”
they sometimes avoid the negative assertion in a way
that hurts the other person:
 “I’m sorry you feel that way
 “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings
 I’m sorry I did it, but if you hadn’t……then it never would have
happened.

23. Good Communication is
NOT Adversarial
 Connection is the cornerstone of good
communication
 Connection requires empathy with the other
person
 Empathy requires imagining what it is like to
be the other person and fashioning your
statements with their feelings in mind

24. Assertive Negotiation
 Identify the problem
 Listen assertively
 Brainstorm ideas
 Pick a solution to try
 Make a contract
 Try out the solution with limits
 Examine and look for problems in the contract

25. Follow-up in Effective Negotiation
 Make a contract
 Plan a follow-up
 Discuss pluses and minuses
 Make adjustments
 Plan another follow-up

26. The Power of Saying “No”
 Unassertive “No” is accompanied by weak
excuses and rationalizations
 Aggressive “No” is done with contempt
 Assertive “No” is simple and direct

27. Strategies for saying “No”
 It’s OK to ask for time to “think it over”
 Shake your head “No” as you say, “No”
 It’s honorable and authentic to say “No”
 If you say, “Yes,” when you want to
say, “No,” you’ll resent what you agreed to do
 Use an empathic response
 Start your sentence with the word “No”

28. Effective Communication
 Notice nonverbal language in yourself and others
 Choose your words with thought and care
 Make assertive statements that are simple and direct
 Negotiate with respect and make a follow-up plan
 Use your assertiveness skills to set limits, say “No,”
and to move in the direction of what you want

29. Linda D Tillman, PhD
 1904 Monroe Dr. NE, Suite 200
Atlanta, Ga 30324-4860
404-873-5503 ext. 17
 Explore our website:
www.speakupforyourself.com and learn even
more about assertiveness
 Thank you for viewing this presentation.