more feedback for draft script

1. Script for Empty
SCENE 1
INT. CHLOE’S HOUSE, DINING ROOM - DAY
Fade in
[“We Wish you a Merry Christmas” - Incompetech] fades in
We are in the modest open plan kitchen/dining room area of CHLOE’s
house, there is little furniture, apart from an oak table and
chairs, the focus remains on the Christmas tree in the centre of the
room
CHLOE, a 10 year old girl who is dressed in jeans and a light
coloured cotton jumper, excitedly runs into the room, from the
right, towards the Christmas tree where she notices a large present
under the tree
CHLOE quickly grabs the present and inquisitively opens the present.
Smiling, she enthusiastically pulls out the TOY and happily embraces
it.
PAUL and JACQUI, the parents of CHLOE who are dressed in jeans and
wearing jumpers, are proudly smiling and PAUL has his arm around
JACQUI’s shoulder
CHLOE begins to eagerly play with the TOY in front of the decorated
Christmas tree
The text EMPTY appears on the screen
[“We Wish you a Merry Christmas” - Incompetech] fades out
Fade out
SCENE 2
INT. CHLOE’S HOUSE, DINING ROOM – DAY
Fade in
The furniture is in the same place with the Christmas tree still in
the centre of the room, but the undecorated Christmas tree is
revealed to imply that Christmas is now over. The TOY is sat to the
right of the Christmas tree, looking isolated and alone.
CHLOE slowly enters from the right, walking with a deflated stance
to the left, PAUL and JACQUI quickly follow behind, acting as though
in a rush without acknowledging the TOY’s presence at all.
Fade out
Scene 3

2. INT. CHLOE’S HOUSE, OFFICE - NIGHT
Fade in
PAUL is sat at his desk in the office and is angrily holding a piece
of paper. As he reads the piece of paper he begins to look
frustrated as he scratches his head in a discouraged manner
PAUL mouths the word “Shit”
Cut to the words on the paper are revealed to the audience, reading
It is our greatest regret to inform you… and then it cuts to let go…
PAUL’s fist begins to clench on the table
Fade out
Scene 4
EXT. CHLOE’S HOUSE, GARDEN - DAY
Fade in
CHLOE is eagerly walking, with the toy in her arms, through her
garden towards the drive. CHLOE opens the car door and delicately
places the TOY in the front passenger seat of the car, she then
leaves the TOY there and walks away.
Fade out
Scene 5
EXT. CHLOE’S HOUSE, GARDEN - DAY
Fade in
PAUL hurriedly opens the car door and when he notices the TOY on the
passenger seat he smiles with a content look and then proceeds to
get into the car
INT. LOCATION #3 - DAY
PAUL sits in the driver’s seat and places his coat underneath the
TOY on the passenger seat
EXT. LOCATION #1 - DAY
The car begins to drive away
Fade out
Scene 6
INT. PAUL’S CAR - DAY
Fade in

3. PAUL’s phone begins to ring so he begins to pull the car over to the
side of the road with an anxious look on his face
EXT. BURELY, FOREST ROAD - DAY
PAUL quickly gets out of the car to answer his phone and grabs his
coat without looking at the TOY. But as he grabs the coat the TOY
falls out and PAUL doesn’t realise as he remains focused on the
phone call. PAUL is talking on the phone with an irritated stance,
and still doesn’t acknowledge the TOY on the floor behind him
PAUL hurriedly gets back in the car without realising he has left
the TOY. The car pulls away leaving the TOY abandoned.
Fade out
Scene 7
EXT. BURLEY, FOREST ROAD - DAY
Fade in
The TOY is still abandoned on the side of the road and it appears
that it has been isolated for a while. Then BETH’s (a 18 year old
teenager dressed in jeans and a green coat) feet appear behind the
TOY and her hands begin to reach for the TOY. Apprehensively, she
picks it up, without revealing her face, she tightly hugs the TOY as
she carries it towards her car
BETH carefully places the TOY in her car, quickly gets into the car
and drives away
Fade out
Scene 8
INT. BETH’S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT
Fade in
BETH enters her house through the door, holding the TOY, and quickly
drops all her bags on the floor and perfunctorily kicks off her
shoes
BETH carries the TOY upstairs, handling it with maximum care, she
quickly opens the door into the bathroom and enters
INT. BETH’S HOUSE, BATHROOM – DAY
BETH daintily lowers the TOY into the bathtub and carefully picks up
the showerhead. She begins to carefully wash the TOY in the bathtub.
Here, it is revealed to the audience that the TOY has been PEPPER
(the miniature schnauzer) the whole time
PEPPER’s appearance is battered and mistreated and she looks very
despondent as she is being washed

4. BETH continues to wash PEPPER until there is a cut to a black screen
Non-diegetic sound of a dog whimpering. While a title appears,
reading: Dogs are for life, not just for Christmas. Don’t treat them
like a gift.
Fade out
THE END.