"Stupidest d--- reason for joining I ever hear of," or, I'm sorry, I don't speak Cat

1. Hi there! Welcome back! I sincerely apologize for my long absence. I barely had a
moment to myself all month, and when I did, I used it to sleep. But the parties and visits
were lots of fun and I do not in fact need to move, so that’s all good. I hope this
installment is good enough that you will consider forgiving me.
Now let’s not delay any longer, shall we? Here’s our story: Already in Progress…

2. Ryan has grown into a very serious and studious young man, as you can see, with less of
the chicken about him than either of his brothers. Pay no attention to the romance novel.
He’s, uh, studying contemporary supermarket-bookstand-fiction for extra credit. Yeah,
that’s it.
I bet his face explodes when he grows up. Any takers?

3. Amy is busy being helpful around the house.
This has nothing to do with the fact that repairing these things is dangerous.
Who do you think I am, cowforbrains?

4. Amy doesn’t seem to have needed much modification to the conservatory to make it her
workshop. In fact, all she did was take out one of the couches and replace it with Uncle
Toby’s robot bench. Pffft – she could have done that in the hallway. Or even her room.

5. Lucky has gone from being the hardest in the family to please…
LUCKY: I want a puppy! And a kitten! And a pet! And a grandchild! And a relative to
get married! Or joined. I’m not particular.

6. …to the easiest.
LUCKY: Wait, I’ve reached my Golden Anniversary.
LUCKY: I am the happiest man in the world!

7. Lucky is the first of the Millers to achieve his LTW, and may end up being the only one
this generation. Caryl wants to Max Out Seven Skills, but skills veeeryyy slooowlyyyy.
Jerome officially wants to Become the Law, but seems quite content to be an
International Corporate Lawyer, judging by how much he’s willing to skill. And Byron…
Byron’s LTW is embarrassingly out of character, and I won’t tell you what it is.

8. Stacey has had to learn to do things for herself now. Fixing the computer, for example.
She doesn’t share Toby’s understanding of or Enthusiasm for all things electronic. Heck,
she can’t even tell the difference between a transmiblick adaptator from a kernelfied
froominator! But sticking a screwdriver in the back of the tower and poking around
randomly seems to work okay.
Moving right along…

9. CASSIE: You’re sounding good, Bertie! What’d you do, max Creativity?
BERTRAM: Yeah, I think so. She’s hewe. You should teww hew about twaining
Weuben.
CASSIE: Reuben? Oh, he knows Come Here and Speak now. And he’s learning Shake.
But you should tell her about your dates.
BERTRAM: No.
CASSIE: Oh, come on. Didn’t you have Ruth over?
BERTRAM: That wasn’t a weal date.
CASSIE: Well, how was it anyway?

10. BERTRAM (V.O.): Embawwassing.
BERTRAM: So, Wuth, I think youw eyes awe –
RUTH: No, Bertie. I know you’re Romance, and you say nice things to all the girls. And
all the boys, too. And anyway, it would be incest.
BERTRAM: Incest? You’we my second cousin once wemoved. Most people wouldn’t
know theiw second cousin once wemoved if they wawked up and bit them on the leg!
RUTH: Just – no.
CASSIE (V.O.): Well, you went out on a real date with Ravi, didn’t you? How was that?
(Ruth was cold here. She thawed out next time I went to play her house.)

11. BERTRAM (V.O.): Awfuw. I mean, I didn’t even owdew sawad! And then I smewwed
wike bawsamic vinigawette fow the west of the night.
Ouch.
BERTRAM (V.O.): And Wavi pwetended that nothing had happened! I don’t know if
that was weawwy weawwy nice of him or weawwy weawwy inconsidewate of my needs
fow comfowt and comisewation.
CASSIE (V.O.): Oh, but they weren’t all bad, were they? Tell her how your date with
Marylena Hamilton the Third was.

12. BERTRAM (V.O.): Humiwiating.
CASSIE (V.O.): Humiliating? Why?
MARYLENA HAMILTON THE THIRD: Esme, Bertie, did your mother just cut one?
BERTRAM: No?
CASSIE: Yes I did, Bertie. It was a good one, too.
BERTRAM (V.O.): It was just tewwibwe.
CASSIE (V.O.): No it wasn’t. It was really good – nice volume, excellent duration, and
maximum stink power. (wistfully) If only we’d had a match handy…
BERTRAM (V.O.): Mothew!
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, readers, but Cassie is in fact an expert farter
who will cheerfully pee in the shower and rummage through the trash.

13. In contrast, most everyone in this family is a neat freak. The brother get along fairly well.
Despite their personality cloneiness, Gerard and Mifune are not best friends yet, but they
are willing to hang out together, and Gerard has no particular objection to bringing his
brothers along when he goes downtown. Or even taking them to the pet store to watch the
fish.
He also has strange ideas about how to make friends with someone you’ve just met. But
then, the other two are a little strange too.

14. Mifune must be the only eleven-year-old who regularly reads the stock market reports.

15. And Cillian has a worrying tendency to just fall down for no apparent reason. He hasn’t
mentioned it to his parents, and of course I can’t. Come on, kiddo, say something! This
ain’t normal.
Let’s check in with Jon, shall we?

16. Oh, crap! Ohnoohnoohno… Look, I know Jon’s social meter was a little low, but you
don’t die of that, do you?

17. Oh, it’s the cat! (breathes a sigh of relief) Not that I mean any offense to you cat-lovers
out there – I love cats myself – but I love Jon more.
MOONSHINE: Mrrrow? Prrrrr mewp aaaooow chiss?
GRIM REAPER: P…..ow ..oae.. .rrro..w.

18. TYRONE: Is the haircut really mandatory? You weren’t just fooling, were you?
ABBOTT: Hey, you came to me and asked to sign up. You want the free room and board,
you have to wear the dopey outfit and the haircut. (mutters disgustedly) “Do you get your
own room?” Stupidest damn reason for joining anything I ever heard.
TYRONE: So what do I do now?
ABBOTT: It’s too light to stargaze. Go fill out the registration card for your new
telescope and then you can work on making a Sir Bricks-A-Lot. Or twelve.

19. TYRONE (to himself): Some how, this is not how I pictured monastic life. And I haven’t
even seen my room yet.
TYRONE (to himself): I hope it’s not pink.

20. Hi Kitty! How’s it going?
KITTY (V.O.): Busy.
With what?
KITTY (V.O.): With what. How’s this? Feeding the twins, changing the twins, bathing
the twins, going from doctor to doctor to find out what was wrong with Tirtha –
And what was wrong with Tirtha?
KITTY (V.O.): They don’t know, but it’s better now. Feedingthetwins, changingthetwins,
bathingthetwins, enclosing the first floor,
feedingthetwinschangingthetwinsbathingthetwins. And three birthdays.

21. Three birthdays. Wow.
KITTY (V.O.): Yes, wow. And now Simon’s old enough to help out, so Mircea and I can
actually get some real sleep for the first time since the twins were born. I’ve been really
looking forward to it. Why don’t you tell them about Robi?
Okay, okay. I can take a hint. Yeesh!

22. Much to Robi’s embarrassment, he was returned at 8 am, in full view of the neighbors.
Although they soon had something new to gossip about.

23. ROSIE: Oh yes, that’s a good strong kick. The baby’s very healthy. How’s the morning
sickness?
ROBI (proudly): I haven’t thrown up at all today!
ROSIE: Good, good. And you’re taking your prenatal vitamins?
ROBI: Of course I’m taking my prenatal vitamins. I’m a doctor too, you know.
ROSIE: I never said you weren’t.

24. But being a doctor doesn’t make labor hurt any less.
ROBI: Half a bag of peanuts was not adequate compensation for this!

25. ROSIE: Well, hello there, sweetie! And what did Daddy name you when I wasn’t here to
stop him?
ROBI: I named her after her other father.
ROSIE: Well… I suppose we can always call her Polly…
ROBI: Why? Her name’s Trixie.
ROSIE: Trixie?
ROBI: If she’d been a boy, it would have been John. And I want the other half of my bag
of peanuts back.

26. Now I am sure that those of you playing along at home have deduced that if Rosie is an
Elder, then Aren must be as well. And that deduction is absolutely correct.
My, what logical thinkers you are!

27. RUTH: Aaaargh! A D minus! This is awful! It’s not fair! Nobody else gets grades like
this! How could I get such a terrible grade?

28. Gee, I don’t know.

29. Maybe it has something to do with your study habits?
Moving right along…

30. In the Scott-Littledragon household, Jasper and Jasmine are as affectionate as ever.

31. The girls are making new friends.

32. And Rommy keeps playing that dang piano! For Pete’s sake! What’s it gonna take to pry
you away from that thing?

33. Oh.

34. Andromeda (Sanders) Scott, aka Rommy or Percy, depending on who was doing the
talking. Rommy, aged 75 at the time of her death, was the younger child of Marie and
Orion Sanders, and was sister to Hunter (Sanders) Fuchs. Alas, she never occupied the
same special place in my heart as the rest of her family, but she had her moments
anyway. Now she will be able to be with Mitch again – or, as she called him, Frannie.
Goodbye, Rommy.

35. Jasper’s parents and sister are doing well also. Everyone is affectionate with each other.

36. Harkon and Mommy play catch almost every day – and this is actually “catch,” not
“whap!” like everyone else in the ‘hood plays. They toss the ball gently and when Harkon
misses, Mommy encourages him instead of laughing.

37. Da helps Harkon with his homework, and does a pretty good job, too. Even if Da does
have a bit of a one-track mind.
PERRY: …So that’s simple Mendelian genetics: you’re carrying either a recessive red-
hair gene, or a slightly-less-recessive blond-hair gene. And the easiest way to find out
which is to marry a nice Family Sim girl with red hair. If it’s a red-hair gene, half you
kids should come out redheads. If it’s a blond-hair gene, half your children should come
out blonds. Are there any redheaded girls in your class?
HARKON: But Da, the assignment doesn’t say anything about my kids. It’s only asking
about you and Mommy. …Doesn’t Mommy want any more babies?
PERRY: No. Unfortunately.
And speaking of events unfortunate…

38. OPAL: I’m not going to get my shower, am I?
GRIM REAPER: N., bu. .ou g.. . .rin. .ith an um….la i. .t.
OPAL: Oh, okay. Fair trade!

39. Opal (McAuley) Littledragon, 76 years old. Opal was pretty even-keeled, no matter what
happened. Her chosen family had more than its share of drama, but she took it all in
stride, and even recovered from the car accident. Opal died permaplat after graduating
three children from college, and will be missed by all three children, not to mention her
husband and four grandchildren.
Goodbye, Opal.

40. Have I mentioned that Eileen Tang is a Teen now? No?
Eileen Tang is a Teen now.
(grumbles) If I’d known she was going to come out looking like this, I would have
attached one of my free-floating plots to her. Not that I have very good plots anyway.
But speaking of plots, here’s one. Such as it is.

41. MATTHIAS: So, are you ready for your first session with Ethan?
TYRONE: Ethan?
MATTHIAS: Your new telescope? The E-three? You should try for fifteen Stargaze With
Telescope interactions per night. You only get abducted once in two hundred, but.
Shouldn’t take more than six or seven hours.
TYRONE: I can’t. I’ve been making Sir Bricks-A-Lots all day, and I’m tired and cranky
and uncomfortable.
MATTHIAS: So use the energizer.
TYRONE: I can’t. I’m in the low green, and you know what happens when you use the
energizer in the low green.
MATTHIAS: So let’s go on a quick date then, you and me.

42. TYRONE: Sorry – did you just say “go on a quick date”?
MATTHIAS: Sure. You’ll reroll your Want Panel; a little Gossip, a little Red Hands,
maybe a Joke or two, and you’ll be gold in no time. And I could use a bit of a boost
myself. But you can ask Shonda if you prefer. I won’t be offended.
TYRONE: Monks are allowed to date?
MATTHIAS: We are not monks! What is it with people?

43. Now, I seem to recall that I didn’t tell you anything about Timmy. This would be why.
TIMOTHY: Dad! Dad! I got it! It came! Today!
LUCKY: Hi, Timmy. Welcome home. What came?
TIMOTHY: My early admission! I’m going to college a whole year early!
LUCKY: What’s wrong with staying home?
TIMOTHY: Didn’t you hear me? I’m going to college! COLLEGE! (Caryl walks by)
Mom! Mom! Hey Mom! It came! It came today!

44. Indeed – what possible reason could Timmy have for going to college early?
You’ll have to tune in next time to find out.
There may even be a small college chapter to look forward to. We’ll see. Sim-college is
not as fun as real-college was: there’s a distinct lack of classes in income tax accounting
and no marching bands at all.
************
Death said “No, but you get a drink with an umbrella in it.” In case you were wondering.
(And also “Prrrrrow mnoaew. Mrrrowow,” but I don’t speak Cat, so the exact meaning
will have to remain a mystery.)