The Return of Madame Useless

1. Hi there! Welcome back to Already in Progress! Sorry for the delay – it’s been one heck
of a month, and it doesn’t look like things are going to get any better. I mean, unless I hit
the lottery or something. At least I wasn’t abducted by aliens. It’s the little things, isn’t it?
And here’s another little thing for my fans. “Fans? Are you delusional or something?” (I
hear you cry.) Why yes, I am delusional! How on earth did you know? I’d recap, but I
don’t do too well at that. Plus there’s not really any plot to speak of, and you, know, the
story is called Already in Progress for a reason. So without further ado, I proudly present
Chapter 19 of our story… Already in Progress…

2. TYRONE: Hi. Do you work here?
MATTHIAS: That’s me. What can I help you with?
TYRONE: I’m looking for something for my little brother. He’s eight.
MATTHIAS: Okay. What kind of stuff does he like? Is he active? Shy?
TYRONE: Um, I don’t know, really. I’ve been away at college, and I, uh, we didn’t have
a whole lot of contact.
MATTHIAS: Gee, that’s too bad. Hmmm… When I was eight, I wanted to be a
firefighter. How about a fire truck? Or a kite, if he’s more outdoorsy, maybe?

3. TYRONE: Okay.
MATTHIAS: Okay which one?
TYRONE: Okay both of them. Uh, if you don’t mind my asking, if you wanted to be a
firefighter, how’d you end up, uh… ?
MATTHIAS: In a dorky outfit working in a toy store? Well, I decided to join the
Brotherhood, so.
TYRONE: The Brotherhood?
MATTHIAS (incredulously): You’ve never heard of the Most Logical Brotherhood of
the Telescope?
TYRONE: No. What’s that?

4. MATTHIAS: I can’t believe you’ve never heard of us! We’re –
ABBOTT: Matt, where are the rest of those Sir-Bricks-A-Lots?
MATTHIAS: I’ll get to it in a minute, Abbott. He doesn’t know about the Brotherhood!
ABBOTT: Then he can come to the Thursday night informational like everybody else.
We don’t proselytize, Matt. (to Tyrone) I’m very sorry about that, sir.

5. SHONDA: Yeah, sorry about that. My brother’s just a great big puppy sometimes.
TYRONE: Your brother?
SHONDA: Twins. We’re practically identical. So will I see you at the informational on
Thursday?
TYRONE: You know, you just might.

6. SHONDA: You like him, don’t you?
MATTHIAS (guiltily): Who – me? Like who? I don’t even know what you’re talking
about.
SHONDA: Can it, Matt. I like him, so of course you do too. Practically identical,
remember? Too bad monks aren’t allowed to get married.
MATTHIAS: We are not a monastic order.
SHONDA: Ducks, Matt. Ducks. (quacks at him)

7. Hi, Kitty. Who’s this? (to the baby) Hi there, cutie-pie! What’s your name?
KITTY: This one’s Tirtha.
After ’Ware Hawk? Good choice – that’s one of my favorite Andre Norton books. She’s a
beauty. And a girl, too! I guess I owe you four bits of foundation and wall and flooring
and all, huh?
KITTY: Eight.
I beg your pardon?

8. KITTY: You owe me eight bits of flooring and so forth. That’s Nirel that Mircea’s
holding.
Nir – ?
KITTY: If one real live baby gets double rations, then two should get double double
rations, and four doubled is eight.
You threw me twins? And one of them’s another boy? I should take away even your
regular rations, Madame Useless!
KITTY (snorts derisively): You think I wanted two babies when I’m only six days to
Elder? Just be glad I didn’t pull a Jaliethe Tregarth and throw you triplets. And if you
take away the regular rations, the babies will be sleeping outside in the snow. Eight bits
of everything is really quite reasonable.
It’s not a geometric progression! Six. With six, I can fully enclose another room and
make the cribs accessible.
KITTY (swiftly): Done.
…I could have talked you down, couldn’t I?
KITTY: Too late now.

9. The Couderc family ghosts are out in force now, haunting many many times a night, and
they are not happy about their bed not having been kept around as a holy relic.
Not that Galileo actually ever got the chance to sleep in it, but knowing him, it’s the
principle of the thing.
Mircea, being a Knowledge Sim, doesn’t mind the haunting so much.

10. Simon does.
The graves were moved.

11. Hi Cassie! What’s new?
CASSIE: Reuben’s learned to Sit Up.
That’s good.
CASSIE: Yup, he’s learned Sit Up and Shake now. He’s housebroken, and he seems to
get the hang of Come when it’s time for his bath, but I think I’ll teach him that next. I’m
not sure it’s really firmly in there, you know?
Uh-huh. And how’s Bertie?
CASSIE: Oh boy, don’t get me started. He’s drinking nothing but those “muscle shake”
things now. He wants to get fit, which is great, but I keep telling him that you have to
work out and push your limits a little at a time – there aren’t any shortcuts.
That’s good advice. Is he listening?
CASSIE: Of course not. He’s fifteen and wants to impress all his dates. They’re all such
nice young people. I guess.
You don’t sound so sure.

12. CASSIE (V.O.): Well, I try to stay out of the way and give them a little privacy. Not too
much, of course.
Of course.
CASSIE (V.O.): And some dates are better than others.
BERTRAM: …So we couwd go fishing, or go see the movie about the stawship captain
waising quintupwets on the voyage to Andwomeda* at the second-wun theater, or go
poke awound at the wobot shop, or we could just stay hewe and wisten to the watest
Twagic Awice awbuwm, or –
TARA MAZZA-NOT-ACTUALLY-ALLISON-DESPITE-WHAT-I-SAID-EARLIER: If
you’re not going to take me out to a nice restaurant, why are we even having this
conversation?
*Does not actually exist to the best of my knowledge, but was the plot of another dream.

13. RAVI GUEVARRA: Thank you for inviting me over, Bertie. I had an enjoyable
afternoon.
BERTRAM: Yeah, me too.
RAVI: Perhaps we could “go out” some time?
BERTRAM: I’d wike that.
RAVI: You do realize that I am asking you if you would like to go on a date with me?
BERTRAM: Yeah, I know. And I’d wike that a wot.
RAVI: I am pleased to hear it. (kisses Bertie awkwardly) Until next time, then.
BERTRAM: Bye, Wavi.
(door closes behind Ravi)

14. BERTRAM: That’s it? I thought that youw fiwst kiss was supposed to be magical.
CASSIE: Wasn’t it? What was it like, then?
BERTRAM: Gawwicky.
CASSIE (V.O.): I’m not sure how I feel about my little boy dating so much, but he seems
to be treating all his dates fairly and staying on good terms with them. I suppose I have to
let him grow up sometime. (nostalgic sigh) But it seems like only yesterday he was
spitting up on Alvin and me every chance he got.
I remember.
And speaking of the family, how’s Rosie doing?

15. ROSALIE: Don’t be silly. At least wear it once. Do you know what I paid to have this
shirt made up?
ROBI: I don’t care. I am forty-seven years old, and I wouldn’t have been caught dead in
this when I was twenty.
ROSALIE: Oh, would you have looked good in this when you were twenty!
ROBI: So I don’t look good in it now. Finally, we agree. I’m going to go put on real
clothes.
ROSALIE: Oh, honey, you look good now!

16. ROSALIE: You look so good now, the aliens just won’t be able to help themselves. (kiss)
I’m having trouble myself. (kiss) Now just try stargazing in this tonight, okay? If it
doesn’t work, we can put the outfit away for, ahem, special occasions. (kiss) Okay,
sweetie? For me?
ROBI: Fine. For you. Just this once. But it won’t work. Esme, I hope none of the
neighbors see me like this…

17. Well whaddya know? It worked.
ROSALIE (calling after Robi as he is tractor-beamed into the ship): Remember, I get
half!

18. Just a typical day at the Littledragon-Long-Tang household.
CHALCEDONY and EILEEN (together): Woo!
ELLE (fondly): You two. What am I going to do with you?

19. Yes, a good day for a normal, happy family.
Except for Lee’s diagnosis.
COLIN: So what do you want, Lee?
LEE: What makes you think I want anything?
COLIN: You only give me a backrub when you want something. You can just ask, you
know. Especially – especially now.
LEE: But this is a doozy.
COLIN: Name it and it’s yours.

20. LEE (bursts out): I don’t want to be remembered as your “friend.” I don’t want to be your
“long-time companion” or your “very good friend” or your “significant other” or
anything like that. I want my obituary to say “He is survived by his husband, Colin
Long.” Or “Colin Littledragon.” I don’t care which it says, as long as “husband” comes
before it. I know you don’t want to get married because of your parents and the whole
“monogamy” thing, but –
COLIN: Of course we can get married.
LEE: Really?
COLIN: Hoh yeah. You’ve been the only one for a long time now. I didn’t know you felt
so strongly about it, that’s all. I’m sorry.
LEE (muffled): I love you.
COLIN: I love you, too, babe.

21. And so the men who would throw a huge blow-out bash simply to celebrate the fact that
it was Thursday signed a piece of paper in the living room and said a few heartfelt words
and thought it the best party they’d ever been to.
Colin Littledragon is now Colin Long.

22. And not too long afterwards, Lee went off with the hula zombies.
Although easygoing and open about some things, Lee was very private person when it
came to life’s transitions, and at his request no pictures were taken.

23. Lee Long, 72 years old. A former dormie, Lee was the last person standing at the end of
Colin’s unofficial, off-site bachelor challenge in college. He mostly didn’t mind Colin’s
fidelity issues except when they resulted in communicable infections, and was willing to
put up with the correlated commitment issues. This got harder and harder as he got older
– you have no idea how many pictures I have of him spontaneously bringing up the topic
of weddings and wedding parties – and whenever he and Colin went on a date, it was a
sure bet that the Want to Get Married to Colin would spin up early in the proceedings.
Often, he’d skip the intermediate step of Get Engaged to Colin. Right at the end of his
life, Lee finally got what he wanted. He is survived by his husband, Colin Long.
Goodbye, Lee. I’m sorry it took me so long to make you happy.

24. ABBOTT: So tell me, what do you know about alien reproductive biochemistry?
TYRONE: Um, well, I know that their hormones are different than ours. That they need
testosterone to have babies – it’s a girl thing for them, I guess? – and that all their girls
are dead, so they need human males. But I’ve never really understood that because alien
babies are boys and girls in about even numbers.
ABBOTT: That’s because aliens are a bit like bees: there are males and there are females
and then there are birth queens. Birth queens are special and rare, like queen bees, and
they look different.

25. ABBOTT: They look much more like Shonda here.
SHONDA: Yeah, except they have those big liquid black eyes that all that the boys like.
And they’re all blondes or redheads. Some people have all the luck.
ABBOTT: It’s a combination of highly recessive traits, yes. That’s what makes them so
rare. (in the stirring tone you might use to deliver the “band of brothers” speech) But
here at the Brotherhood, we believe that those traits are not lost forever, that a Birth
Queen will someday Rise Again, and that is why we dedicate out nights to stargazing and
our days to – (snapping back to normal) To what, Matt?

26. MATTHIAS: To Peace, Harmony, Recessive Genetics, Quality Child Care, and Always
Filling Out the Warranty Cards!
TYRONE: Uh, “quality child care” and “always filling out the warranty cards”?
ABBOTT: Well, they won’t take anyone who hasn’t filed out the warranty card for their
telescope. Well known fact. And we want them to know that we’ll be good fathers.
TYRONE: And the toy store?
ABBOTT: Meh, it puts the kids through college and gives us something to do when it’s
too bright to stargaze.

27. TYRONE: Well, that was very… informative. It sounds sorta like something I might be
interested in someday. Is it okay if I come back and ask more questions sometime,
Father?
ABBOTT: You know where to find us. But I only have four kids, and I’m pretty sure
you’re not one of them.
TYRONE: Oh. Matt said you were the abbot, and I thought –
ABBOTT: My name is Abbott. My brothers are Costello, Larry, and Moe.
TYRONE: What happened to Curly?
ABBOTT: My sister? She runs a nail salon in Belladonna Cove. Why?

28. At Casa Littledragon (Andrew), Harkon is about to age up. Mommy wanted a party, Da
didn’t, and so they compromised on a little party, with just Harkon’s uncles in
attendance. Unfortunately, nobody thought to figure out if one-Outgoing-point Harkon
wanted a party.
Just the opposite, actually.

29. This picture is symbolic of how trapped Harkon felt at his own party. It has nothing to do
with how well certain Sims fill out their pixilated trousers.

30. Now that he’s a child, Harkon has more opportunities to bond with Mom.
HARKON: I’ll clean the tub for you, Mommy, so it’s all nice for you when you take your
shower.
AMETHYST: Thank you, sweetie! That’s such a nice thought! But Mommy really needs
to read the paper now, so could you give her a little privacy, please?

31. And to learn from Da.
HARKON: Why don’t I have a little brother or sister, Da?
PERRY: Because your Mommy hasn’t rolled the Want for it.
HARKON: But I thought you had perma-locked the want for another baby all on your
own.
PERRY: I did. But it doesn’t matter what I think. Your Mommy’s the one who has to put
up with an intestinal parasite rearranging her internal organs for nine months and then
perform a feat equivalent to forcing a cantaloupe out one nostril while being repeatedly
punched in the stomach. If she doesn’t want to do that, I won’t force her.
HARKON: Oh.
PERRY: But that is why you need to find yourself a nice Family Sim girl. Girls who are
Family Sims like having babies.
HARKON: They like intestinal parasites and being punched in the stomach?
PERRY: More than anything.

32. Sarah Jane has already started on her LTW of 20 Simultaneous Best Friends. I figure if I
have her be Best Friends with every person she meets, it shouldn’t take too horribly long.
This doesn’t leave her much time for skilling, but that’s not a problem.

33. At least, not when you have a father who has a gold gardening badge, it’s not.

34. Jon still misses Emmy terribly. Of course he spends time with his daughter, and his
brothers, and his nieces and nephews (and great-nieces and great-nephews), and his
friends, and his cat. But none of them are Emmy, and when he’s alone, well… Let’s just
say I wish I could give him a great big hug.

35. Sarah Jane and Timmy continue to spend time together. Are they an Item?
Good question. I wish I had an answer for you.
But speaking of Timmy and family…

36. BYRON: Stacey! You’re home! Oh, welcome home, welcome home! Come here and
give your old Dad a hug.
JEROME: Don’t hog the girl. Her other old Dad wants to give her a hug too. – Stacey,
your room is waiting for you, just the way you left it.
TYRONE: Wait – I was staying there. I can’t bunk in with Timmy and Ryan, there’s no
room. Where am I supposed to sleep?

37. LUCKY (V.O.): We’ll convert the conservatory for you.
AMY (V.O.): Oh, but Uncle Toby left me his robot bench! I wanted to turn the
conservatory into my workshop!
LUCKY (V.O.): Okay, then. Tyger, you can sleep on a camp bed in the conservatory for
right now, and we’ll put up a new wall to make it into a bedroom and a robot workshop.
TYRONE (to himself): This is ridiculous. I can’t live like this – I have to find my own
place. But where? And how? I don’t know anything about finding somewhere to live!

38. TYRONE: Hi, Matthias. This is Tyrone Miller. I came to the informational on –
TYRONE: Oh, you do remember me. That’s good.
TYRONE: Matt, okay. Hi. Hey, the Brotherhood provides you with your own room,
right?
TYRONE: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Listen, I want to join up. What do I need to do?

39. Here’s Stacey, coming home after a long day at work. She had a nice date with Toby just
before leaving for the carpool, and she’s brought him home a flower as a token of her
appreciation.

40. But what’s this? Why is Stacey crying? Great dates are great, right? And everyone likes
flowers.

41. Oh. That’s why.

42. Toby Livingston, 65 years old. Toby was notoriously camera-shy; provided one of the
strongest indicators of Very Bad Glitchiness in my old ‘hood, had I but known it; and
was a carrier for Tricou genes. As everyone knows, when Tricou genes manifest, the
resulting children are very very sick indeed, and so he had himself…fixed…to prevent
passing them along. Although Toby never achieved his LTW of 50 Dream Dates, he and
Stacey had a lot of fun trying.
For some reason, Toby had hula zombies but ended up with a plain tombstone. In spite of
that final glitch, Toby, rest in peace.

43. Jasmine has been promoted again: she’s now a Counterfeiter, I believe. Her promotion is
slowed only by the fact that you have to go to work at least twice before you can be
promoted, unless you are grossly overqualified.

44. The twins are children now. They both skill quickly and learned to study on their first try.
Here’s Anne getting a ride to school in Daddy’s sports car.
JASPER: You have to start catching the bus, Anne. How many rides is it this week?
ANNE: Three, Daddy.
JASPER: You get up two hours before the bus comes. Can’t you get ready any faster?
ANNE: No, Daddy. Because when I get up, I have to make my bed. And then I have to
brush my teeth and take my morning bath because my evening bath was a long time ago.
And then I have to get dressed and make sure my hair looks right and it usually doesn’t
and then I have to eat breakfast, and I have to take little bites because princesses take
little bites and they don’t get food everywhere, and then I have to brush my teeth again
because they’re dirty because I just ate, and then –
JASPER: Okay, okay. We’ll start getting you up at five instead of six from now on.

45. Lucy always manages to catch the bus. She also enjoys making snowmen and is well on
her way to earning herself a Quigley Visual Arts Stipend.
Oddly enough, Lucy does not consider herself particularly imaginative.

46. At least, not when compared to her sister.
ANNE: Mommy? What’s that?
JASMINE: What’s what, honey?
ANNE: That.
JASMINE: What? The chair? The lamp? The end table? The blinds? The window?
ANNE: No, that.
JASMINE: I don’t see anything. Are you asking about the floor? The walls?
ANNE: Noooo. The stick with the shiny thing on it that the skeleton in the hood is
holding.
JASMINE: Skeleton in the hoo – Daddy! Mama, come quick! (screams) Daddy!

47. ANDROMEDA: Oh no you don’t Frannie! Francine! Come back here this instant, do you
hear me? You can’t leave! The – the – the llama weaving industry boycott isn’t over!
You need to help fight the good fight. Come on, Frannie, please?
MITCH: Sorry, Percy. The llama weaving industry will have to recover without me. It’s
my time.
ANDROMEDA: It is not! I don’t want you to die yet!
MITCH: I’ll wait for you, Percy. No rush – I’ve got all the time in the world, now. And
Percy?
ANDROMEDA: Yes, Frannie?
MITCH: You’re still one hot mama.

48. Mitch Scott, age 73. Raised in an orphanage, Mitch considered Andromeda’s family his
own and took the death of his in-laws very much to heart. (Out of respect for the dead, I
will not show you a picture of any of the fine chicken impressions he did during that
time.) In college, Mitch was very active in the protest movement against the
industrialization of the llama weaving industry, and it was through this that he met
Rommy. Despite his severely dated slang and his confusing pet name for his wife, Mitch
got along with everyone and managed to achieve his LTW of becoming a Celebrity Chef.
His family will miss him very much.
Goodbye, Mitch.

49. Ruth has come down with chicken pox, poor thing. It’s a fairly mild case, or so the doctor
says, but all she wants to do is lie on the couch and stare at the TV. Preferably while there
is singing and dancing going on, but she’s not picky.
AREN: Hi, hon. How’re you feeling?
RUTH: Sick.
AREN: I brought you a new movie, yo.
RUTH: Is it Rogers & Hammerstein?
AREN: No, hon. The lady at the library said I already brought you all of them, including
both versions of State Fair and all three versions of Cinderella, even the bad one. She
said you might like this instead. (pops the movie in the player)

50. RUTH: What is it?
AREN: It’s, uh… (looks at the case as the overture starts up) It’s The Mikado. By Gilbert
& Sullivan. See, hon? That’s another “and” team.
GENTLEMEN’S CHORUS
If you want to know who we are
We are gentlemen of Japan
RUTH: Turn it up, Daddy. I want to hear everything.
GENTLEMEN’S CHORUS
On many a vase and jar
On many a screen and fan…*
I think this may be the start of a beautiful friendship.
* “If You Want To Know Who We Are,” from The Mikado. Words by W.S. Gilbert,
music by Sir Arthur Sullivan. (For my non-British and non-Savoyard readers, “vase” is
pronounced “vahz” in this context.)

51. Here we see the three Sanders boys doing their homework together. They often do
homework together, and they skill like maniacs. Gerard has maxed Creativity already,
and both Cillian and Mifune are at college level in Body, Logic, and Creativity. But it’s
not all skilling and homework. This family knows how to have fun, too.

52. If you can’t find Gerard, odds are he’s doing this.

53. Mifune can usually be found here.

54. And Cillian here.
This is not his bed, by the way. Just like you, Cillian would rather not have muddy
footprints on his sheets and springs that are absolutely shot.
Which is why this is Mifune’s bed.

55. Robin has not conquered his addiction to pillow fighting, and unfortunately, Yvette is as
much of an enabler as Francois was.
Incidentally, I realized today that there are now only two families in Sandersville who are
still named Sanders: Robin’s and Rosie’s. Aren is a Sanders, but his daughter is a
Shankel, so the name in that branch dies with him. When Orion and Marie got married,
every other Sim was a Sanders. Isn’t it odd how that works?

56. Incidentally, for those of you playing along at home, Tyrone has two bolts with one of
these siblings and three bolts with the other. But I’m not going to tell you which is which.
Given Tyrone’s penchant for the unavailable, you can probably figure it out for yourself
anyway.
I’ll see you next time. Until then – Happy Simming!
****************
For those who are interested, Robi’s shirt says “Hiya, spaceman! New in town?” I made
his outfit myself.
I am so cool.