Ruth retells "The Gondoliers" with some help from her family.

1. Welcome to the very last installment of Ruth Tells A Story! I did work this
into the main story, but I am not sure that it worked quite as well as I would
have liked. So today I bring you a version that is hopefully interesting, and
might even help you see the parallels between my game and the Victorian
stage. With this story, my goal of exposing my readers to every single one of
Gilbert & Sullivan's operettas is complete. I hope you have enjoyed the
ride... and perhaps someday, when a local theater group puts on one of these
operettas, you will go see it and get an extra giggle or two. And really, what
else could I ask for?
...And that's quite enough of that sentimental stuff! There are husbands to
divide up, lackeys to whip, and Grand Inquisitors to, well, inquire of!

2. RUTH: Our curtain opens on the fabled city of Venice, and the
women's chorus comes out singing a lovely song about "roses white
and roses red," for no reason that I have ever been able to fathom.
And dancing while they sing. Following which, out comes the
men's chorus, who sing a song about how they're "called
gondolieri," or gondoliers -- but gondolieri is easier to rhyme,
especially in Italian. Although judging by the lyrics, I'm not sure
that Gilbert actually spoke any Italian. So that's the first two
numbers taken care of. And now we run into a huge problem.

3. RUTH: See, the roles are really unbalanced in this show.
MATTHIAS: So I'll play a girl again. I don't mind.
RUTH: But that's the thing. There's the Duke, his wife, his
daughter, his servant, the Grand Inquisitor –
DESCARTES: Dibs on the Grand Inquisitor!
RUTH: – Two gondoliers, and two wives. I'm really going to need
more audience members to participate.
OAKAPPLE: I'd rather watch.
OLD ADAM: Cannot somebody double, Mama? I prefer to watch
as well.

4. RYAN: Let's just go by vocal parts. I'm a baritone, right, so I'm the
Duke, and you're the Duchess because she's a contralto. Sarah Jane
is the soprano, Tim is the tenor –
DESCARTES: I'm the Grand Inquisitor.
RYAN: – Descartes is the Grand Inquisitor, Ty is... er, who's the
bass in this show?
RUTH: The Grand Inquisitor.
DESCARTES: Who is ME.
RYAN: Well, what are the gondoliers?
RUTH: Tenor and bass-baritone.

5. RYAN: So Ty and Matt, and you and Sarah Jane double as the wives.
RUTH: Yes, but you're not supposed to be able to tell who's who…
RYAN: Like in the production where one was really tall and thin and one was
short and fat? Or the production where one was Japanese and one wasn’t? Or –
MATTHIAS (to Ruth): If I'm one of the gondoliers, I'd have to kiss you, right?
RUTH: Well, not exactly...
MATTHIAS: Dibs on the wives. Both of them.
RUTH: You can't be two characters at the same time.
MATTHIAS: Why not? You were just the entire women's chorus. And the
entire men's chorus. So I'll be both wives, and Ty will be both gondoliers, and
there's the problem solved.

6. RUTH: Well, that makes the next scene completely pointless, then.
MATTHIAS: Why?
RUTH: Because then our two gondoliers decide to choose their
wives by playing Blind-Man's-Buff, and after cheating
outrageously, they end up with the very women they like best.
TYRONE (to Matthias): Darling!
MATTHIAS (to Tyrone): My own!
RUTH: But you'll look really stupid playing Blind-Man's-Buff just
the two of you, so we'll skip that part. (making shooing motions)
Off you go, off to get married, go go go.

7. RUTH: Now the Duke of Plazatoro comes in.
(Enter Ryan, who bows)
RUTH: With his wife, the Duchess. (curtseys) And his daughter,
Casilda.
(Enter Sarah Jane, who curtseys)
RUTH: And Luis, his "private drum" – which, since the family has
fallen on hard times, basically means their one remaining servant,
who does everything.
(Enter Tim, pushing a drum kit)
TIM: Now you tell me!

8. ALL (sing)
Aaaaaaaaaaaand if ever ever ever
They get back to Spain,
They will never never never
Cross the sea again –
They will never never never
Never never never never
Never never never
Cross the sea again!
(Ruth “vomits”)

9. RYAN: Tell me about it. We don't even have a band to announce us. (glares
at Tim)
TIM: Yessir. The band wanted to be paid in advance, sir.
RYAN: But I'm the Duke of Plazatoro!
TIM: Thaaaat would be why they wanted to be paid in advance, sir.
SARAH JANE: Ooooh, impudence! Daddy, you should have him flogged!
RYAN: Never mind about that. (to Tim) Can you play a recorder, maybe? Or
whistle?
TIM (helpfully): I can imitate any barnyard animal you want.
RYAN: No, that won't do. Go ring the doorbell.
(Tim leaves)

10. SARAH JANE: Daddy, why are we here?
RYAN: Because when you were a little baby, you were married to the King of
Barataria. He was also a baby, you understand. And then there was a civil war
over, er...
RUTH: Some religious issue that was absolutely hilarious to Victorians.
RYAN: Yeah, that. So the Grand Inquisitor, Don Alhambra...
DESCARTES (off): DESCARTES!
RYAN: ...Right. The Grand Inquisitor, Don Descartes, kidnapped the infant
King to keep him safe and brought him here. And now we're here to find out
where your husband is.
SARAH JANE: So I'm the Queen of Barataria? But I have nothing to wear!

11. RYAN: Yes, I know. But I have a great idea for making money:
we're going to have a reality show.
SARAH JANE: A reality show?! How tacky! Nobody who's
anybody does that!
RYAN: They will once I do it. Other people follow – I lead!
(Enter Tim, discreetly, for backup singing purposes)

12. RYAN (sings):
In enterprise of martial kind,/When there was any fighting,/He led
his regiment from behind —/He found it less exciting./But when
away his regiment ran/His place was at the fore, O —
That celebrated,
Cultivated,
Underrated
Nobleman,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!
(Ryan and Ruth leave)

13. TIM (to Sarah Jane): Darling!
SARAH JANE (to Tim): My own! – Hey, sorry about that whole "being
flogged" thing.
TIM: Well, how else were you supposed to throw your parents off the scent?
(goes to hug her)
SARAH JANE: (backs up) Yeeeeah... no. Apparently, when I was a baby, I was
married to the infant King of Barataria.
TIM: What, the one who was kidnapped by the Grand Inquisitor?
SARAH JANE: You know about that?
TIM: Um, yeah. My mom was the infant King's nursemaid?
SARAH JANE: Oh, right. I forgot. (apologetically) But we can't be romantic
anymore. The whole “married” thing...

14. TIM: So you don't love me anymore?
SARAH JANE: I didn't say that. But I can't love you anymore.
TIM: So no more kissing?
SARAH JANE (regretfully): No.
TIM: But there's no harm in remembering, is there?
SARAH JANE: None at all.
TIM: So we can remember how fifteen minutes ago we could do
this...

16. TIM: ...but now we can't?
SARAH JANE: Yes, or how twenty minutes ago we could – oh,
snap, it's my parents.
(Enter Ruth, Ryan, and Descartes)
RUTH (to Sarah Jane): Sorry, sweetheart. Don Descartes here
seems to have misplaced your husband.

17. DESCARTES: I did not! I can give you his address right now! I see
him every day! In the entire annals of our history there is absolutely
no circumstance so entirely free from all manner of doubt of any
kind whatever! See, I left the infant King with a gondolier. No
room for doubt, right? And the gondolier had a son of his own –
again, no room for doubt, right? And the gondolier was kind of a
drunk – no doubts there. And he couldn't remember which kid was
his and which wasn't. Now, is there anything to doubt about that?
Of course not. And then the gondolier died. No doubt about that,
either. They buried him and everything. And now the two boys are
grown up and are gondoliers, and you can't find anything to doubt
in that statement at all.

18. DESCARTES (sings):
Search in and out and round about,/And you'll discover never/A tale
so free from every doubt —/All probable, possible shadow of doubt
—/All possible doubt whatever!
EVERYONE ELSE (sings): A tale so free from every doubt —/All
probable, possible shadow of doubt —/All possible doubt
whatever!

19. SARAH JANE: Wait, so you mean that I'm married to one of two
men, but nobody knows which one?
DESCARTES: Nooo-ooooo...
SARAH JANE: Because that's what it sounds like.
DESCARTES: No, because his mom (points to Tim) can probably
tell which is who. So I think you better go get her.
TIM: Wait, I came all the way here from Spain just to turn around
and go right back to Spain?
DESCARTES: Yeah. Is that a problem?
TIM: No, Mr. Grand Inquisitor, sir. (leaves expeditiously)

20. RUTH: And then everyone sings a song about how confused they
are. Casilda and her family go into the Grand Inquisitor's house just
before the gondoliers and their new wives show up.
MATTHIAS
(sings)
When a merry maiden marries,
Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;
Every sound becomes a song,
All is right, and nothing's wrong!
DESCARTES: A-HEM!

21. TYRONE: Oh look, an undertaker!
MATTHIAS (dubiously): An undertaker?
TYRONE: Obviously. Look at the hat.
MATTHIAS: Oh, right.
DESCARTES: Big day?
TYRONE: Oh, pretty big.
MATTHIAS: We just got married.
DESCARTES: Married?! What, all four of you?

23. TYRONE: Yep, all four of us.
MATTHIAS: Why, were you hoping to marry me yourself? (as
Descartes sputters) He was! Oh, how heartbreaking!
DESCARTES: Do you know who I am?!
TYRONE: Don't know, don't care. The sons of Baptisto Palmieri
despise rank and wealth, kings and snobs. We are the equal of
anybody! ...Unless it comes to piloting a gondola, and then we are
both better than you and at your service at the same time.
DESCARTES: Hmph! Well, one of you is Baptisto Palmieri's son –
probably – but the other one is the King of Barataria. Not that it
matters, of course, since you detest kings and would probably
abdicate anyway. Bye now.

24. TYRONE: Whoa whoa whoa. When I say that I detest kings, I
mean that I detest bad kings.
MATTHIAS: Not good ones.
TYRONE: Not the kind of kings who make everything cheap
(except gondola rides) and abolish all taxes (especially for
gondoliers) and who give gondoliers extra paid holidays and
always tip their gondoliers generously.
MATTHIAS: That kind of king would be a blessing.
TYRONE: And that's the kind of king I'd be. We'd be. Because I'm
two people right now. Yep. So when do we start?

25. DESCARTES: Well, it doesn't matter if you're one person or two right now, because you have to legally rule as one person anyway
so that once we figure out who you are really then any laws and stuff that you pass won't be invalidated because you weren't you
really, or at least you weren't the you that we thought you were.
MATTHIAS (brightly): I'll go pack!
DESCARTES: No you won't.
TYRONE and MATTHIAS: What?!
DESCARTES: Er... No girls allowed!
MATTHIAS: Not a problem, actually.
DESCARTES: Well, you can't come anyway.
MATTHIAS: You're mean!
DESCARTES: I'm the Grand INQUISITOR, not the Grand FLUFFY BUNNY. Aunt Ruth, isn't this the end of the first act?
RUTH: After a song, yes.

26. Now is probably a good time to mention that if you enjoy Ruth's,
you will probably also enjoy Already in Progress, The Jack Point
Home for Pedestrian Playables, and 100 Days of Awesome, all of
which are available on my Dreamwidth. [/shameless self-
promotion]

27. RUTH: Act Two opens with the two gondoliers sitting on two
magnificent thrones in the throne room, surrounded by all their
gondolier friends, who are having a fine time drinking, playing
cards, singing a song about how happy they are, all that sort of
thing.
(Ruth looks at Tyrone, who blinks at her)
RUTH: Righto! Tyrone, what's the best thing and the worst thing
about being king?
TYRONE: Well, the worst thing is that we're two people, but they
only give us enough food for one, because legally we're only one
person, and that's not enough to live on. We're hungry. WE WANT
OUR TEA!

28. RUTH: Okay, okay, no need to yell. The king can be on double rations
until we figure out which one of you he is. How about the best thing?
TYRONE: We are called "Your Majesty"; we are allowed to buy
ourselves magnificent clothes; our subjects frequently nod to us in the
streets; the sentries always return our salutes; and we enjoy the
inestimable privilege of heading the subscription lists to all the principal
charities. In return for these advantages the least we can do is to make
ourselves useful about the Palace. (sings) Oh, philosophers may sing/Of
the troubles of a King;/Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges
great;/But the privilege and pleasure/That we treasure beyond
measure/Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State.

29. TYRONE: But there's only one thing missing. Two. One. Whatever. Our
wives, that's what I mean. They'd make it perfect. (sings) "Take a pair of
sparkling eyes,/Hidden, ever and anon,/In a merciful eclipse —/Do not
heed their mild surprise —/Having passed the Rubicon,/Take a pair of
rosy lips;/Take a figure trimly planned —" (catches sight of Matthias
scowling offstage) Or, uh, "Take a handsome, uh, balding man..."
MATTHIAS (off): I am not balding! (stomps on) I shave my head twice a
day and you know it! And – (looks at audience) And loooook! Your wives
missed you, so they came over to surprise you! Are you surprised?
TYRONE: Are I ever! Er, am we ever! Oh, you know what I mean. Let's
have a party!

30. RUTH: So they do, and they dance a cachucha, or at least something that could
pass as a cachucha to a Victorian audience that has never seen a real cachucha,
and then the party breaks up unexpectedly when Don Descartes shows up.
DESCARTES: You're having a costume party?
TYRONE: No, no. Just a little get-together. For friends.
DESCARTES: But I saw a footman dancing.
TYRONE: You saw the Lord High Footman dancing.
DESCARTES: I thought the Lord High Footman was that Japanese fellow.
TYRONE: Japanese?
DESCARTES: What, you've never seen The Mikado? Anyway, you can't make
everyone Lord High everything.

31. TYRONE: Why not?
DESCARTES: Because then society will break down.
TYRONE: Why?
DESCARTES: Because then nobody will know who's supposed to
bow to whom in the street.
TYRONE: Why does that matter?
DESCARTES: Because then nobody would bow to ME.
TYRONE: So?
DESCARTES: So? So? SO? I'll give you "SO?", you – !

32. RUTH: 'Scuse me. Just thought you'd like to know that the Duke and Duchess of
Plazatoro and their beautiful daughter have arrived.
TYRONE: Why would we want to know that?
DESCARTES: Oh, wow, one of you is really lucky! Okay, it's like this. Many years
ago when you (whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) were
married to a little girl who has grown up to be the most beautiful young lady in
Spain. That beautiful young lady will be here to claim you (whichever you are) in
half an hour, and I congratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart.
TYRONE: No, we got married three months ago.
DESCARTES: One of you — only one. The other (whichever it is) is an
unintentional bigamist.
MATTHIAS: You mean I don't get to be a Queen?! Oh, that is a rip-off!

33. RUTH: And then they sing a song about that and leave. Then the Duke and Duchess and Casilda come in,
dressed to the nines, and sing a song about how awesome Casilda is, which is pretty darn awesome.
SARAH JANE: Oh, Mummy and Daddy! I will do my duty and be a good wife to the King, whichever of
the two he turns out to be, but I can never, never love him!
RYAN: I don't know. It's extraordinary what unprepossessing people one can love if one gives one's mind
to it.
RUTH (pulling out a mirror): I loved your father.
RYAN: My love — that remark is a little hard, I think? Rather cruel, perhaps? Somewhat uncalled-for, I
venture to believe?
RUTH: It was very difficult, my dear; but I said to myself, "That man is a Duke, and I will love him."
Several of my relations bet me I couldn't, but I did. (studies herself in her mirror, rubs some lipstick off her
teeth, then, as an afterthought) Desperately!

34. RUTH: And then the Duchess sings a song about that, followed by a duet for the Duke and
Duchess about their new jobs.
BUTTERCUP: Being on a reality show?
RUTH: And celebrity endorsements.
RUTH (sings): I write letters blatant/On medicines patent/And use any other you mustn't –
RYAN (sings): Believe me, you mustn't –
RUTH (sings): And vow my complexion/Derives its perfection/From somebody's soap –
which it doesn't –
RYAN (sings, significantly): It certainly doesn't!
(Ruth raps him smartly on the head with her fan)
RYAN: Ow!

35. RUTH: At which point the two gondoliers come back in.
TYRONE: Hiya! (reaches out to shake Ryan's hand)
RYAN: Your Majesty! (does elaborate Takemizu Island bow)
TYRONE: Riiight. And you must be the wife of one of us. (reaches
out to shake Sarah Jane's hand)
SARAH JANE: I am Your Majesty's most obedient servant! (does
Twikki Island hang loose gesture)
TYRONE: Ooookaaaay...

36. RYAN: Your Majesty – whichever one of you that is – I have a complaint to make! We came here on a State Visit, but was
there a guard of honor to receive me – I mean, us? No! The town all lit up? No! Refreshment? No! A twenty-one gun salute?
No! Triumphal arches? No! The bells set ringing? (looks at Tyrone expectantly)
TYRONE: No?
RYAN: Actually, yes, one bell. The visitor's bell. And I rang it myself.
TYRONE: Look, I'm sorry, okay, but I was brought up in a gondola, and my ideas of politeness are confined to taking off
my cap to my passengers when they tip me.
RUTH: (sniffs disapprovingly) Not good enough!
TYRONE: I'll take off anything else you like, within reason. (reaches up to unbutton his shirt)
RYAN: No! No, look, I'll sing you a little song about properly courtly manners, okay?
TYRONE: Let's not and say we did.
RYAN: Be that way then!
(Ruth and Ryan leave)

38. TYRONE: Sooooo...
SARAH JANE: Ummmm... Listen, I may have married one of you when I was a baby, but
I'm in love with someone else.
TYRONE: Oh, what a relief! Me too! Us too, I mean. Our wives!
(Enter Matthias with completely unnecessary jazz hands)
MATTHIAS: Sorry, sweetie! We didn't know one of them was married when we married
him. (hugs Sarah Jane)
SARAH JANE: Oh, it's not your fault!
RUTH: And then they sing a cheery little song involving mixed fractions, which is barely
over before Don Al – I mean, Don Descartes comes in, followed by the whole entire rest of
the cast and dragging Luiz's mother and the prince's old nursemaid, Inez.
RUTH: Oh, crap, we don't have an Inez.
RYAN: I'll fill in.

39. DESCARTES: Now tell us, old lady! Which one of these two is the prince? Speak up, or I'll torture you!
AUDIENCE (prompted by Ruth): Speak, woman, speak! Speak, woman, speak!
RYAN (in a ridiculous falsetto): The old King trusted me and gave me his son to take care of. So when
that completely untrustworthy Don Descartes showed up –
DESCARTES: Hey!
RYAN (in a ridiculous falsetto): And just who is wearing the Grand Inquisitor hat, hmmmm?
DESCARTES: Good point. Carry on!
RYAN (in a ridiculous falsetto): When that completely untrustworthy Don Descartes showed up and
demanded the prince, I did what any loyal subject would do: I gave him my own son instead. The real
king is named Luiz, and that's him right over there! (points)
DESCARTES: Curses! Why didn't I ever ask anyone what the prince's name was?

40. TIM: So wait, I'm the king?
RYAN (in a ridiculous falsetto): I sure didn't raise no idiots, did I?
TIM: My darling!
SARAH JANE: My own!
TYRONE: My own!
MATTHIAS: My darling!
RUTH: And then they all dance a cachucha, or a reasonable
facsimile of a cachucha, anyway, for all I know, I've never seen an
actual cachucha, and curtain. The end.

41. Luiz and Casilda are not scripted to make out, or even to kiss
before the end of Act II, but things get spicier when you see a
college production, and the first production I ever saw of The
Gondoliers was a college production, and so spicier things got. I'm
generally disappointed when I see a real production and they act
that scene on opposite ends of a bench – or worse, opposite ends of
the stage!

42. The Duke and Duchess of Plazatoro don't actually have a reality show, because reality shows
weren't around in Gilbert & Sullivan's time. Instead, the Duke incorporates himself so that he
is no longer the Duke of Plazatoro, a rather cowardly fop with no money at all, but The Duke
Of Plazatoro, Limited, a limited liability corporation subject to different laws and able to do
different things. I believe corporations were relatively new at the time, and the joke is
probably even funnier if you know some history. Depending on the actor's delivery, the line
about how the Duchess does not use the soap she endorses can either imply that she uses a
different soap to achieve perfection, or that her complexion is very far from perfect indeed.
Ruth and Ryan's exchange that begins "I don't know. It's amazing what unprepossessing
people one can love..." and ends "Desperately!" is real, although the stage directions are my
own.

43. All the songs are real Gilbert & Sullivan songs, and some of the
lines are Gilbert's as well. For instance, Don Alhambra really is
mistaken for an undertaker because of his hat, Tyrone's little speech
about "the sons of Baptisto Palmieri," the part about abolishing
taxes for gondoliers, the speech that ends "the least we can do is
make ourselves useful about the palace," all of Descartes' lines
containing a parenthetical "(whichever that is)", Tyrone's apology
for being brought up in a gondola and his offer to "take of anything
else, within reason."

44. When Descartes says that he thought the Lord High Footman was
"that Japanese fellow," that is 100% esmeiolanthe, and it's a
reference to The Mikado. In that show, of course, Koko is the Lord
High Executioner and Pooh-Bah is the Lord High Everything Else.
And now that I have exposed you to every single Gilbert &
Sullivan operetta and circled the very last Ruth Tells A Story back
around with a reference to the very first one, my work here is done.
Thank you for joining me! And until we meet again, Happy
Simming!