Navigating your first poly relationship

NAVIGATING YOUR FIRST POLY
RELATIONSHIP
www.polyweekly.com @cunningminx cunningminx@gmail.com

ADULT DISNEYLAND
POLYAMORY =

FOR TODAY
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
▸ Take inventory before you go Take a
personal and relationship inventory
▸ Understanding new partners
Understand how to communicate
with and get to know a potential
partner
▸ Stock your Disneyland toolbox Get
the ﬁrst tool or two in your toolbox
of managing poly pitfalls and
relationship communication

WHY ARE YOU
POLY?
WHAT DOES
“POLY” MEAN TO
YOU?

KNOW THYSELF
TOOLS FOR SELF-AWARENESS
▸ Journaling
▸ Meditation
▸ User manual
▸ Experience
▸ Others?

KNOW BEFORE YOU GO
ARE YOU YOUR BEST SELF?
▸ Integrity How’s your integrity? (do you say what you mean?) Are you good at
being true to yourself?
▸ Shit-owning Do you take personal responsibility for your actions and emotions?
▸ Dealing with change Can you cope with changing emotions, boundaries and
expectations?
▸ Asking for what you want Do you know what you want and how to ask for it?
▸ Self-care Are you loving yourself? Are you managing your mental, physical, and
emotional health?
▸ Get educated about safer sex Before considering possible safer sex guidelines,
understand how STIs are transmitted and what the real dangers are rather than the
stigma.

KNOW BEFORE YOU GO
ARE YOU A HAPPY AND HEALTHY COUPLE?
▸ Relationship health Is the relationship happy and healthy right
now? Are you aligned on wants and needs?
▸ Dealing with change Can you both adapt if needs or
expectations change?
▸ Commitment to processing Are you committed to talking about
every issue that comes up and owning your shit about it?
▸ Coping with negative emotions Are you prepared to experience
unﬂattering emotions in yourself and your parter(s)?

KNOW THE OTHER(S)
SEEKING OUT PARTNERS

99% OF SUCCESSFUL POLY IS
PARTNER SELECTION.
Franklin Veaux, co-author, www.morethantwo.com
RESEARCH THE TERRAIN

DATE YOUR SPECIES.
Reid Milhalko, www.reidaboutsex.com

RESEARCH THE PARTNER’S UNIVERSE
▸ How do they describe their current relationship?
▸ Talk to their partners (your metamours) to the extent possible
▸ How many partners do they have and to what degree are they
entangled?
▸ What boundaries do they have, and under what circumstances
can those boundaries change?
▸ What are their safer sex guidelines?
▸ Communicate your guidelines/boundaries as soon as possible

WHAT TO DO ONCE YOU GET
THERE
HOW TO AVOID A DISNEYLAND DISASTER

YAY DISNEYLAND!

EXPECTATIONS VS. REALITY
COMMON POLY PITFALLS

EXPERIENCE
SHOCK
“Help! I thought I’d be cool with this,
but I’m really not, and I’m freaking
out about it!”

MYTH OF POLY
PERFECTION
“I have to be OK with this in order to
be the perfect poly person.”

FEELING
SELFISH
“It’s selﬁsh for me to want […].”

YOUR POLY COMPASS
“Does this make everyone
involved happier and
healthier versions of
themselves?”

EMBRACE THE
Relationship Bill of Rights
https://www.morethantwo.com/relationshipbillofrights.html

“I’m
ﬁne.”
Sacriﬁcing your happiness
COMMUNICATION SKILLZ
HEALTHY COMMUNICATION 101
Owning your shit
Letting things sit
Make up sex
Using “I” statements

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU GET TO DISNEYLAND
COMMUNICATION SKILLZ
▸ Ask for what you want
▸ Bring things up at the ﬁrst sign
▸ Weird and unidentiﬁed is OK
▸ Talk about your feelings
▸ Talk about behaviors rather than assumptions
▸ Use “When you ___, I feel ____.”
▸ “When you text her repeatedly when we are out on dates but won’t
text me when you’re out with her, I feel like a second-class citizen.”

OWN YOUR SHIT
Taking personal responsibility for
understanding, diagnosing,
analyzing and stating your emotions
without shame

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU GET TO DISNEYLAND
ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT OWNING YOUR SHIT
▸ Barring cases of abuse, in which
case please do whatever you need
to keep yourself safe
▸ What you feel is OK
▸ There are no “shoulds”
▸ Emotions come from within you;
no one “makes” you feel anything
▸ You are empowered to understand
and affect your emotions

METAMOUR RELATIONS
NEVER FORGET THE IMPORTANCE OF

WHAT TO DO ONCE YOU GET TO DISNEYLAND
METAMOUR RELATIONS 101
▸ When in doubt, refer to the
Relationship Bill of Rights and
remember that it applies to your
metamours as well
▸ Understand that your needs have
nothing to do with your metamour
▸ When negotiating guidelines/
boundaries, remember that
everyone has a say and must buy in
▸ Stay out of the middle.

IT’S OK TO FEEL
JEALOUS
IT’S NATURAL!

HOW TO DEAL WITH FEELING JEALOUS
▸ Ask for more information. In the absence of information, we
tend to imagine our worst fears.
▸ Ask for/get comfort. “Do you want to cuddle?” is the best
response a partner can have upon hearing “I feel jealous.”
▸ Drill into the details. What are you afraid of? Answer that
question. And then answer “and then what?” over and over
again to the point of ridiculousness.
▸ Lather, rinse, repeat. You’ll continue to feel jealous—keep
applying these steps.

HOW TO DEAL WITH A JEALOUSY-INDUCING EVENT
1. Discuss any fears or concerns you have before the date
2. Distract yourself during the date
• Take a bubble bath
• Play WOW
• Smoke stinky cigars
3. Do your partner once he/she/zie gets home!
• Have reconnection sex
• “Mark your territory”

NEGOTIATING SAFER SEX
▸ Remember the Relationship Bill of
Rights
▸ Everyone gets a say
▸ It’s likely that everyone will sink to
the lowest common denominator
▸ Everyone must listen, comment
and buy in to the ﬁnal agreements

NEGOTIATING PRACTICAL SHIT
▸ Choosing labels can be difﬁcult—see Franklin’s glossary of
terms to choose from or make up your own
▸ Invest in Google Calendar accounts and share
▸ Amazon Wish Lists
▸ Write your user manual
▸ Other tips?

8 THINGS I WISH I’D
KNOWN ABOUT POLY
$10 SIGNED
(INCLUDING TAX)

WHERE TO FIND US
WHERE TO FIND US
▸ www.polyweekly.com
▸ cunningminx@gmail.com
▸ lustyguy@polyweekly.com
▸ @polyweekly, @cunningminx
▸ www.facebook.com/polyweekly

Navigating your first poly relationship

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