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Poly Pitfalls 101: Fixing Things When They Break

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Being polyamorous doesn't mean you're perfect; it means you talk more. Tips and tricks for addressing conflicts and resolving poly arguments.

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Poly Pitfalls 101: Fixing Things When They Break

  1. 1. FIXING THINGS WHEN THEY BREAK POLY PITFALLS 101
  2. 2. MINX & LUSTYGUY INTRODUCTIONS
  3. 3. ONLY MORE TALKING POLY = NOT MORE ENLIGHTENED
  4. 4. WHAT DO YOU ARGUE ABOUT?
  5. 5. FAIR FIGHTING 101
  6. 6. FAIR FIGHTING 101 FAIR FIGHTING 101: RULES OF ENGAGEMENT ✓ The person who brought it up gets to go first ✓ Only one issue at a time ✓ You are the expert on you ✓ Acknowledge biological factors ✓ Touch each other
  7. 7. FAIR FIGHTING 101 TIPS AND TRICKS ✓ When you ____, I feel ____ ✓ What I’m hearing from you is ___. Is that right? (Repeat until yes) ✓ Someone has to be the grown-up/only one aggrieved party at time 7
  8. 8. WHAT IS THE GOAL OF AN ARGUMENT? POLY PITFALLS 101
  9. 9. TODAY’S LEARNING OBJECTIVES ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS RESOLUTION 1.Agree on what happened 2.Apologize and make amends 3.Agree how to prevent future occurrences
  10. 10. OUR SAMPLE ARGUMENT
  11. 11. STEP 1: AGREE WHAT HAPPENED —LustyGuy
  12. 12. STEP 1: AGREE WHAT HAPPENED AGREE WHAT HAPPENED ▸ Establish that the argument is over ▸ One person brings it up ▸ “So what happened is… “ ▸ I felt ____ because I heard/thought that you were ____, and that made me feel ____ ▸ You felt ____ because you heard/thought that I was ___, and that made you feel ____ ▸ Is that right?
  13. 13. STEP 1 AGREE WHAT HAPPENED FOR EXAMPLE: MINX AND LUSTYGUY’S LAST ARGUMENT ▸ “So I think we’re on the same page now. Do we agree that the argument is over?” ▸ I got upset because _____ ▸ And you got upset because _____
  14. 14. THINK ABOUT YOUR LAST ARGUMENT
  15. 15. NOW YOU TRY STEP 1: AGREE WHAT HAPPENED
  16. 16. STEP 2: OWN YOUR SHIT AND APOLOGIZE
  17. 17. OWN YOUR SHIT TA K I N G P E R S O N A L R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y F O R U N D E R S TA N D I N G , D I AG N O S I N G , A N A LY Z I N G A N D S TAT I N G YO U R E M OT I O N S
  18. 18. OWNING YOUR SHIT ASSUMPTIONS ▸ What you feel is OK—no “shoulds” ▸ Emotions come from within; no one makes you feel anything ▸ You are empowered to understand and affect your emotions
  19. 19. I’M SORRY. what everyone wants to hear A WORD ABOUT APOLOGIES
  20. 20. CONTEXT APOLOGIES ▸ In the west, we tend to see apologies as legal admissions of guilt or blame ▸ Elsewhere, apologies are social lubricant ▸ Be vulnerable. Apologize liberally.
  21. 21. SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY ▸ Minx: I’m sorry I wasn’t paying close enough attention to realize you were taking about another movie—I admit I didn’t read the full article. ▸ LustyGuy: I’m sorry I didn’t check to make sure I fully understood what you were saying before I responded to it. I’m sorry I wasn’t paying close enough attention. I’m sorry I didn’t check to make sure I understood what you were saying before responding.
  22. 22. THINK OF YOUR LAST ARGUMENT
  23. 23. NOW YOU TRY STEP 2: OWN YOUR SHIT & APOLOGIZE
  24. 24. STEP 3: AGREE HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE OCCURRENCES
  25. 25. STEP 3: AGREE HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE OCCURRENCES WHAT CAN WE DO TO AVOID? ▸ Minx will listen more carefully and own when she hasn’t read the articles. She won’t engage if she doesn’t have bandwidth for a thoughtful conversation. ▸ LustyGuy will restate before responding. I’ll work to pay more attention in the future when something is important to you. I will restate what I hear before responding.
  26. 26. THINK OF YOUR LAST ARGUMENT
  27. 27. NOW YOU TRY STEP 3: AGREE HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE OCCURRENCES
  28. 28. TODAY’S LEARNING OBJECTIVES ACHIEVING A HARMONIOUS RESOLUTION 1.Agree on what happened 2.Apologize and make amends 3.Agree how to prevent future occurrences
  29. 29. QUESTIONS? WWW.POLYWEEKLY.COM CUNNINGMINX@GMAIL.COM @CUNNINGMINX @POLYWEEKLY WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/POLYWEEKLY

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