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Poly Pitfalls 201: Fixing Things When They Break

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How to fight fair during arguments and how to change your perspective of the goal of an argument to make it more constructive to your relationships.

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Poly Pitfalls 201: Fixing Things When They Break

  1. 1. FIXING THINGS WHEN THEY BREAK POLY PITFALLS 201
  2. 2. MINX & LUSTYGUY INTRODUCTIONS
  3. 3. POLY 201 WHAT THIS CLASS IS: POLY 201 ▸ How to communicate during a conflict ▸ How to resolve conflicts more quickly ▸ How to communicate after a conflict to enhance understanding and avoid repetition
  4. 4. TEXT WHAT THIS CLASS ISN’T ▸ How to avoid conflict ▸ How to deal with an abusive relationship (please take care of yourself and do whatever is required to stay safe) ▸ Who to blame or who is right
  5. 5. ASSUMPTIONS ▸ You have a generally healthy relationship ▸ Everyone involved shares goodwill ▸ Everyone involved has a high level of self-awareness ▸ Everyone involved is willing and able to own their shit ▸ Everyone involved understands communication basics ▸ No abuse is present
  6. 6. LEARNING OBJECTIVES 1. Gain a different perspective on arguments 2. Understand how to leverage arguments to nurture your relationship 3. Add tools to your communication toolbox for use during conflict
  7. 7. WHAT IS THE GOAL WHEN YOU ARGUE?
  8. 8. GOAL OF A CONFLICT 1.Agree on what happened 2.Apologize and make amends 3.Agree how to prevent future occurrences A NEW PERSPECTIVE
  9. 9. BEFORE DURING AFTER
  10. 10. FAIR FIGHTING 101
  11. 11. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT FAIR FIGHTING 101 ▸ The person who brought it up gets to go first ▸ Deal with ONE issue at a time ▸ You are the expert on you ▸ Biology comes first ▸ Touch aids communication
  12. 12. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT FAIR FIGHTING 101 ▸ The person who brought it up gets to go first ▸ Deal with ONE issue at a time ▸ You are the expert on you ▸ Biology comes first ▸ Touch aids communication SERIOUSLY FOCUS!
  13. 13. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT FAIR FIGHTING 101 ▸ The person who brought it up gets to go first ▸ Deal with ONE issue at a time ▸ You are the expert on you ▸ Biology comes first ▸ Touch aids communication
  14. 14. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT FAIR FIGHTING 101 ▸ The person who brought it up gets to go first ▸ Deal with ONE issue at a time ▸ You are the expert on you ▸ Biology comes first ▸ Touch aids communication
  15. 15. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT FAIR FIGHTING 101 ▸ The person who brought it up gets to go first ▸ Deal with ONE issue at a time ▸ You are the expert on you ▸ Biology comes first ▸ Touch aids communication
  16. 16. TIP: TALK ABOUT BEHAVIORS, NOT ASSUMPTIONS
  17. 17. You’re treating me like a secondary ASSUMPTION When you take her phone calls when you’re out with me but don’t take mine when you’re out with him, I feel like I’m a lower priority to you. BEHAVIOR
  18. 18. TIP: SHOW UNDERSTANDING BY REPEATING BACK
  19. 19. What I’m hearing is you believe the forks should go in the dishwasher tines up because that’s what the manufacturer prescribes. Is that right? SEEK UNDERSTANDING
  20. 20. OWN YOUR SHIT TA K I N G P E R S O N A L R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y F O R U N D E R S TA N D I N G , D I AG N O S I N G , A N A LY Z I N G A N D S TAT I N G YO U R E M OT I O N S
  21. 21. OWNING YOUR SHIT ASSUMPTIONS ▸ What you feel is OK—no “shoulds” ▸ Emotions come from within; no one makes you feel anything ▸ You are empowered to understand and affect your emotions
  22. 22. I’M SORRY. what everyone wants to hear A WORD ABOUT APOLOGIES
  23. 23. CONTEXT APOLOGIES ▸ In the west, we tend to see apologies as legal admissions of guilt or blame ▸ Elsewhere, apologies are social lubricant ▸ Be vulnerable. Apologize liberally.
  24. 24. BEFORE DURING AFTER
  25. 25. NEW GOAL: AGREE, APOLOGIZE, PREVENT POLY PITFALLS 201
  26. 26. OUR SAMPLE ARGUMENT
  27. 27. STEP 1: AGREE WHAT HAPPENED —LustyGuy
  28. 28. STEP 1: AGREE WHAT HAPPENED AGREE WHAT HAPPENED ▸ Establish that the argument is over ▸ One person brings it up ▸ “So what happened is… “ ▸ I felt ____ because I heard/thought that you were ____, and that made me feel ____ ▸ You felt ____ because you heard/thought that I was ___, and that made you feel ____ ▸ Is that right?
  29. 29. STEP 1 AGREE WHAT HAPPENED FOR EXAMPLE: MINX AND LUSTY GUY’S LAST ARGUMENT ▸ “So I think we’re on the same page now. Do we agree that the argument is over?” ▸ I got upset because _____ ▸ And you got upset because _____
  30. 30. STEP 2: OWN YOUR SHIT AND APOLOGIZE
  31. 31. SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY SAMPLE SHIT-OWNING AND APOLOGY ▸ Minx: I’m sorry I wasn’t paying close enough attention to realize you were taking about another movie—I admit I didn’t read the full article. ▸ LustyGuy: I’m sorry I didn’t check to make sure I fully understood what you were saying before I responded to it. I’m sorry I wasn’t paying close enough attention. I’m sorry I didn’t check to make sure I understood what you were saying before responding.
  32. 32. STEP 3: AGREE HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE OCCURRENCES
  33. 33. STEP 3: AGREE HOW TO PREVENT FUTURE OCCURRENCES WHAT CAN WE DO TO AVOID? ▸ Minx will listen more carefully and own when she hasn’t read the articles. She won’t engage if she doesn’t have bandwidth for a thoughtful conversation. ▸ LustyGuy will restate before responding. I’ll work to pay more attention in the future when something is important to you. I will restate what I hear before responding.
  34. 34. GOAL OF A CONFLICT 1.Agree on what happened 2.Apologize and make amends 3.Agree how to prevent future occurrences A NEW PERSPECTIVE
  35. 35. LEARNING OBJECTIVES 1. Gain a different perspective on arguments 2. Understand how to leverage arguments to nurture your relationship 3. Add tools to your communication toolbox for use during conflict
  36. 36. QUESTIONS? WWW.POLYWEEKLY.COM CUNNINGMINX@GMAIL.COM @CUNNINGMINX @POLYWEEKLY LUSTYGUY@POLYWEEKLY.COM WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/POLYWEEKLY

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