1. Lampy and the Shelves
Episode One:
(At Customer Services)
Disgruntled Man: Young lady, does this sign not say 'Customer Service'?!
Lexi: Yes it does, sir, but we don't offer those kind of services here at Asda!
Disgruntled Man: Well, I never! *storms off disgruntedly*
Deano: Eh, Lexi, what was that about?
Lexi: That man over there thought Customer Services meant where you ask for help and/or return
unwanted clothing/items etcetera
Deano: *shocked face*
Lexi: So I just told him it's where we give out blowies to all customers who spend £15 or more,
What a silly sausage!
(Over at Lampy's Till)
Lampy: Oh! Well hello there Mildred, that's a lovely shopping basket you've got there: really
brings
out your eyes! *suggestive wink*
Mildred: Oh I do try! You know me Lampy, I'm always surfing for Asda clunge!
Lampy: Just the usual then; 15 bottles of furniture polish? And once again i assure you it wasn't
made in Poland! I know how racist you old slag's can be!
Mildred: Here Luke! Whats the deal with that new Store Manager you have?
Lampy: Ah yes the midget! Hey now Milly you cannae dislike someone just because of their
height!
Mildred: He barely comes up to my vag!
Lampy: That being said he doesn't half hoover the teapot if ye know what i mean!
Mildred: I'd be tempted to torch the house again if I knew he'd be the fireman, I'll tell ye that!
Lampy: Oh yeah how's the re-decorating going?
Mildred: Well 'Pets at Home" didn't have any curtain rails I fancied so I just hired one of them
Mexicans to be my curtain rail! I'm thinking on getting one to be the Front Door now too!
Lampy: Oooooo!

2. (Lampy is stocking shelves)
Old Man Customer: Excuse me, young man, can you please direct me to the so-called "Biscuit
Aisle" I hear that's where all the little kiddies...erm I mean biscuits are?
Lampy: Well saying as how I do have a PhD in Asda Studies I am well equiped to help you on
your quest for biscuits, sir. Yep, just down there on your right, down that ailse with all the little
girls.
Old Man Customer: Oh girls you say? Meh I'll just come back later then...erm ah yes I'm afraid
you just dont have the type of 'biscuit' i enjoy.
Lampy: What a pleasant old man!
(returns to stocking shelves)
GNML: Hmmmm I'd let you stock my shelves anyday!!!!
(In the break room)
*Lexi is filing her nails while Deano is reading "VAG! Magazine"*
Lexi: Deano...do you believe in God?
Deano: Well, I believe in the God of Asda and that the Devil lives in Tesco and when we die we
all live happily ever after in the AsdaLife. How about you?
Lexi: I went to a Catholic Church once, and don't get me wrong, I'm as religious as the next Asda
cashier but them silly geese think that the bread becomes the body of Jesus so I just went up to
the Priest and asked him "If this bread is Jesus' body: does that mean some of it is his penis?" So
he poured a bucket of holy water over me and told me I was a devil child!
Deano: But you dont work at Tesco!
Lexi: I know right?! Crazy heures!
(Out at the Trolleys)
Lampy: *staring longily at a trolley*
Midget Boss: EH, LAMPY, EH!
Lampy: Oh...erm...well hello there Mr.New Boss Man, ah,I was just getting to work on cleaning
the trolleys!
Midget Boss: YOU DON'T HAVE TO CLEAN THE TROLLEYS YOU DAFT DESK!

3. Lampy: I just think we need to treat these trolleys with respect and admiration...after all they are
the most beautiful, sensual, enthralling creatures mankind has yet discovered *lustful look*
Midget Boss: WELL BE THAT AS IT MAY, I THINK WE SHOULD KEEP YOU AWAY FROM
THESE TROLLEYS IN THE FUTURE PERHAPS... *slides one trolley into two others and walks
off*
Lampy: Oh yes fuck me! A trolley threesome!!!
THE END!
Lampy: Luke
Lexi: Lexi
Deano: Deano
Mildred: Gibbo
Old Man: SRD
Disgruntled Customer: Morgan Freeman
Written by GNML
Inspired by The Bible