Sneak preview of the chapter on sexual intimacy from my book: ABCs of Thriving in Marriage

1. ABCS OF THRIVING IN MARRIAGE 50
I
Ignite Intimacy as One
Two people become one in marriage;
one desire becomes our desire.
One of my friends was talking about his marriage and
shared that they do not want children. Naturally, I asked
about their method of birth control. (Whenever I ask ques-
tions like this to people, I tell them: “I want to care enough to
ask while respecting you enough to know you may prefer to
keep the information to yourself.”) He shared that their
method of birth control is simply not having sex. When I
heard this, my heart sunk. Explaining their situation, his wife
did not have desire and without a desire she chose to not at-
tend to his desire. This can be problematic in any marriage.
Just as a shift takes place from my money to our money, my
goals to our goals, my home to our home, a shift from my de-
sire to our desire will strengthen a marriage. Another issue
with waiting for mutual desire before connecting intimately is
that desire often comes after sexual stimuli. During one mar-
riage retreat, a sex expert shared: “In general, a woman is
aroused/stimulated before desire is present.” This means
that celebrating one another’s bodies in marriage may bring
the desired desire.
Why Ignite Intimacy as One
Preserves Purity
While norms in marriage change and shift with time, adul-
tery is still frowned upon in our society in general. All of the
married people I know still view adultery as unacceptable.
Every husband and every wife I know is not okay with the
idea of their spouse being sexually active with someone out-
side of their marriage. Upholding the value of fidelity is

2. DEREK D. GUAJARDO51
praiseworthy. Withholding sexual celebration in marriage is
unreasonable. (Of course, I endorse brief periods of absti-
nence in marriage during illness, problems with physical
pain, and mourning.) For those who uphold fidelity as a vir-
tue – as I do – to choose marriage is a declaration: “I will
only celebrate sexual intimacy with this one person.” Any
sexual celebration outside of this union is toxic pollution. To
preserve the purity of the marriage union, a sexual desire on
either side of the marriage is not their responsibility; the desire
is our responsibility to fulfill. Sexual intimacy in marriage is
like a pure glass of water. Any sexual intimacy outside of
marriage is like liquid poison in other glasses. Keep sexual in-
timacy in marriage pure.
Draw Closer
Gary Chapman wrote the book The 5 Love Languages,
describing the five core pillars of expressing love: (1) Words
of Affirmation, (2) Acts of Service, (3) Physical Touch, (4)
Tangible Gifts, and (5) Quality Time. While all of the love
languages can be given and received outside of the marriage,
sexual intimacy is exclusively reserved for inside the mar-
riage. When seductive love talk, tender massages, embracing
each other’s precious bodies is only with your spouse and no
other, connection strengthens. This part of your being is
saved for your spouse and only your spouse. Sexual intimacy
is an exclusive bonding language with your spouse. Compare
closeness in marriage to an isosceles triangle. When sexual
intimacy is present and consistent, it’s like the husband and
wife are traveling upward on the two equal sides of that tri-
angle toward one another. When sexual intimacy is absent or
infrequent, it’s like the husband and wife are traveling down-
ward further apart from each other.
Provide Comfort
The longer I live, the more I see challenges with everyone
from every background. No one gets a challenge-free life. In

3. ABCS OF THRIVING IN MARRIAGE 52
the middle of these challenges, sexual intimacy is a powerful
source of comfort: gentle affection and complete acceptance
of their physical presence. Even in the middle of a storm, sex-
ual intimacy can be the sun shining through.
Heighten Celebration
On the opposite end of problems and challenges are victo-
ries and wins. Sexual intimacy is a celebration of the mar-
riage union. As a communicator, I look for opportunities to
create impressions and associations with words and concepts
throughout each day – rhyming, alliteration, illustrations,
and other rhetorical devices. The alliteration I want to en-
courage you to make is the concept of sexual celebration.
When you have a victory in life – such as a promotion, raise,
graduation – prioritizing a sexual experience will connect the
concepts of victory with sex. For me personally – from the
ages 17 to 27 – I lived a celibate life, waiting to be married.
This meant that for about ten years I created a negative asso-
ciation with sex: It was to be avoided in thought, word, and
deed. For the last seven years, I’ve learned to make new vi-
brant associations with sex. Remember, sex can be a beauti-
ful and glorious way to celebrate in marriage.
How to Ignite Intimacy as One
Adore Each Precious Part of the Body
There is a divided view of sexual intimacy and there is a
united view of sexual intimacy. While I embrace and endorse
a united view of sexual intimacy – my desire is our desire; her
desire is our desire – some have shared their thoughts and
they disagree. Further, these people view sex as a chore and
– for the women – they express feeling like a harlot. Overall,
I see this perspective as tainted and detrimental to the mar-
riage connection, but I understand it. A common denomina-
tor with the people who have shared this tainted perspective
is a boring, passionless five-minute experience with sex. Yet,

4. DEREK D. GUAJARDO53
where was boring, passionless sex learned? I ask only rhetori-
cally as I believe the best portrayal of passionate sexual inti-
macy is in King Solomon’s Song of Solomon. Within this
book – specifically chapters five and seven – you will find a
thorough mutual adoration between the lovers. Head to toe
they adore one another. This – I believe – is the standard for
the sexual experience in marriage.
Train One Another and Learn
When I started my career at Nationwide in 2011, I was in
training for 12 weeks. The trainers invested in each new em-
ployee to help them be successful with the company. Asking
questions, engaging with the subject matter, and learning are
all normal expectations in the process. Similarly, in marriage,
training your spouse and being trained by your spouse about
what they like sexually is pivotal. For some people in mar-
riage, you may know exactly what you do and do not like; for
others, experimenting to figure out what you do and do not
like is perfectly fine. Ask your spouse questions; listen to your
spouse; adapt to your spouse. Consider the five senses of the
sexual experience: (1) Hearing: What sounds does your
spouse enjoy hearing during the sexual connection from you
or from music? (2) Smell: What scents – lotion, perfume, co-
logne – does your spouse enjoy smelling during the sexual
connection? (3) Taste: What flavors – fruit, candy – does
your spouse enjoy tasting during the sexual connection? (4)
Feel: Where does your spouse like to be touched and kissed
during the sexual connection? (5) What does your spouse like
to see – lighting, clothing, hairstyles – during the sexual con-
nection? Also, consider your spouse’s favorite phrase for initi-
ating sexual celebration. Use that.
Strive for Both Scheduled Sex and Spontaneous Sex
Work is scheduled; church is scheduled; vacations are
scheduled; workouts are scheduled; dinners are scheduled;
dates are scheduled. I think you see where I am going.

5. ABCS OF THRIVING IN MARRIAGE 54
Prioritize what is important. Habits expert James Clear
wrote: “People who make a specific plan for when and where
they will perform a new habit are more likely to follow
through.” Just because you have sex scheduled doesn’t mean
you and your spouse cannot have spontaneous sex. If you
and your spouse have made the shift from their desire to our
desire, then when your marriage has a desire, your marriage
gets to celebrate that desire! Notice I wrote gets to not has to.
One connotes special privilege and the other connotes bur-
densome obligation, respectively. Remember, it’s not sched-
uled or spontaneous; it’s both!
Stay a Student of the Game
As I write this chapter, the ESPN docuseries The Last
Dance capturing the final NBA season of the 1998 World
Champion Chicago Bulls is currently airing on Sunday eve-
nings. Any superstar in any sport is called a student of the
game. Just as sports icons studied their sport, know your
spouse. Learn what pleases and satisfies your spouse. Be pas-
sionate about your spouse. Fulfill your spouse.
Application Questions:
What is one question from the Train One Another and Learn
section that you will ask your spouse this week?
What does your spouse think about scheduled and spontane-
ous sex? Ask, listen, and share your perspective.
How does sex with your spouse protect and preserve the purity
of your marriage?