Pflag coming out

Getting Started: Coming Out
What is “coming out”?
• For most people who are LGBTQ, coming out is the process of self-acceptance that
continues throughout one’s life, and the sharing of the information with others.
• Coming out is sometimes referred to as “disclosing” by the transgender
community.
• Coming out can also apply to the family and friends of LGBTQ youth or adults
when they reveal to others their connection to an LGBTQ person or the
community.
1

What is “coming out”? (cont’d)
• Individuals often establish a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender/gender-
nonconforming identity within themselves first, and then may choose to reveal it
to others.
• There are many different degrees of being out: some may be out to friends only,
some may be out publicly, and some may be out only to themselves.
• It’s important to remember that coming out is an incredibly personal and
transformative experience. Not everyone is in the same place when it comes to
being out, and it is critical to respect where each person is in that process of self-
identification. It is up to each person, individually, to decide if and when to come
out or disclose.
Source: PFLAG National
2

Do LGBTQ people only come out once?
• No, coming out is not a one-time act for LGBTQ people, but a process they repeat
over and over again throughout their lives.
• Keep in mind that as a society, we generally just assume that people are
heterosexual and/or cisgender.
• As a result, LGBTQ people must choose whether to come out whenever they meet
new people and/or encounter false assumptions about their sexual orientation
and gender identity.
3

How can PFLAG Bellevue/Eastside help with the coming out process?
• We understand that there are two sides to the coming out process: the person
who discloses they are LGBTQ and the person who receives the disclosure. We are
here to support people on both sides. Our monthly meetings are an ideal place to
start.
• Our membership includes people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender
as well as their families and allies, and most of them have come out.
• We range in age from youth to senior citizens and cover a wide spectrum of
background and experience.
4

How can PFLAG Bellevue/Eastside help with the coming out process? (cont’d)
• We can listen to your concerns regarding the coming out process in a safe and
confidential space at our monthly meetings. If you prefer to discuss this topic on a
one-one-one basis with a facilitator, we can arrange for that to happen, too. Check
our Meeting FAQ for complete details.
• We can share our insights and experiences with the coming out process. It’s often
comforting to learn that many others have shared this same journey.
• We can also direct you to additional resources and support, including
organizations that help LGBTQ people who are out in the work force.
If you have any further questions or need to talk, please contact us: someone will
return your call or email shortly.
5

How do we first learn about someone coming out?
Many ways. Here are typical stories we might share at a PFLAG Bellevue/Eastside
meeting:
• Our teenage son tells us that he is gay.
• Our daughter writes us a letter from college to tell us she is a lesbian.
• Our child insists they are the opposite gender than they were assigned at birth.
• Our sibling tells us they are genderfluid and no longer want to be referred to as
male or female.
6

How do we first learn about someone coming out? (cont’d)
• Our spouse tells us she/he is gay/bisexual or transgender, sometimes after years of
marriage.
• Our best friend confides that he is gay/transgender and cannot tell his parents.
• Our parent tells us that she is gay and/or transgender.
7

How can we feel when someone we love or care for comes out?
• There are no rules. We can feel a range of deep and complex emotions, based on
cultural influences as well as our own upbringing and set of beliefs.
• We’re all part of a society that discriminates against LGBTQ people and until
recently did not see them as normal or worthy of equal rights.
• As a result, many of us initially filter the news through a darker lens, which
sometimes is hard for us to even reveal to others.
8

What are some of the challenging feelings we can experience?
• We can feel shock because we never expected this news. We don’t think the
person we love or care for fits the stereotypes of gay, bi, or transgender people.
• We can feel angry and betrayed because this is not the life we planned. We never
imagined having a child who wanted to change their gender or be attracted to the
same sex.
• We can feel disappointment and grief that the life we imagined or created is going
to radically change. We wonder if we will ever plan a wedding for our child or if
we’ll have grandchildren.
• We can feel disbelief that this information is true and dismiss it as a stage or form
of rebellion, especially if our children are teens or young adults. We think they are
too young to know.
9

What are some of the challenging feelings we can experience? (cont’d)
• We can feel convinced that if we avoid or ignore the topic, it just goes away.
• We can feel resentful that it has to be in the open. We don’t want to know why
our friend or family member has to be that way, let alone flaunt it.
• We can feel guilty or responsible, a sense that we failed. Maybe if we were a
stricter or more attentive parents. Maybe if we were not divorced.
• We can feel that there is no way to reconcile this news with our faith and religious
community. We’ve heard all our lives that sexual orientation is a sin of choice.
• We can feel concern or embarrassment about what our friends and family will
think. Will they judge us and our child? Will they still be part of our lives?
10

Is it normal to feel panic?
Yes, some of us can feel shaken, even those of us who feel we have progressive views
on sexual orientation and gender identity.
• We can feel consumed with fear. Will the person we love be vulnerable to
discrimination? What about disease?
• We can feel a crisis of faith, if we are religious.
• We can feel that have we no idea what to do or how to help.
• We can feel isolated from friends and family.
• We can feel profoundly alone.
11

Is it okay to feel negative emotions or panic, even when it’s someone we love and
care for? Even when it is our own child?
• Yes, it’s totally okay and also quite typical.
• For some of us, it’s hard to even admit we have these feelings. It’s important to
remember that we’re steeped into many of these negative attitudes toward LGBTQ
people.
• We need to give ourselves time and permission to sort out our feelings, and a big
part of that is just letting ourselves experience them.
12

Is it okay to feel negative emotions or panic, even when it’s someone we love and
care for? Even when it is our own child? (cont’d)
• Luckily, the more we learn about the LGBTQ community, the more we can let go of
our assumptions and stereotypes.
• And by connecting to others who have been through this process, through PFLAG
Bellevue/Eastside and other resources, we can support and educate each other.
13

How can we experience coming out in a more positive and powerful context?
• We can feel relief that something we suspected is now in the open.
• We can feel appreciation that we have an honest and open relationship with
someone we love or care for.
• We can feel honored that someone could trust us enough to disclose to us, even
when they knew it might be risky and they feared they might lose us.
• We can feel profound love, loyalty, and the desire to protect.
14

How can we experience coming out in a more positive and powerful context?
(cont’d)
• We can feel empathy and understanding.
• We can feel pride for that person’s strength and resilience.
• We can feel motivated to be an ally and advocate.
• We can feel the need to connect to others in the same situation.
15

What about the process for those of us who are coming out?
It frees us in some ways but also creates a new set of challenges:
• We must confront homophobia and discrimination in our lives, sometimes from
our own family, peers, and colleagues.
• We must risk that we will lose loved ones, friends, career opportunities, and in
some cases our own home.
• We must process our own internalized homophobia/transphobia—self-loathing,
repulsion, shame—in a society that is predominately heterosexual with fixed ideas
of male and female gender identities.
16

What if we are teenagers/minors living at home?
Then our risks can be magnified.
• We can lose parental emotional and/or financial support when we need it the
most.
• We can be bullied and marginalized at our schools and in some cases not have the
backing or protection of the school administration.
• We can be forced to undergo harmful reparative therapies.
• We are already at higher risk for depression, suicide, and harmful behaviors.
17

In addition to positive reactions, how might we feel about coming out?
• We can feel anxiety, stress, depression, sadness, self-loathing, and despair.
• We can feel isolation and the feeling that we carry a heavy burden.
• We can feel we want to commit self-harm or suicide.
18

What can we do to support ourselves?
• We can ask for emotional support from understanding friends, peers, and
counselors.
• We can attend a PFLAG Bellevue/Eastside monthly meeting or contact us to speak
one-one-one with a PFLAG facilitator.
• We must remember that if we feel suicidal, it is imperative that we immediately
seek professional help and/or call a suicide hotline:
– If you are an LGBTQ youth, please call the Trevor Project, which is designed to
serve young people from ages 13 to 24.
– Adults (and youth) can call the Crisis Clinic, which serves all people in physical,
emotional and financial crisis, with an emphasis on King County residents.
– Both of these lines are toll-free and available 24 hours a day, seven days a
week.
19

Can coming out also be liberating and freeing?
Yes, it can change our lives in hugely positive and confirming ways:
• We can be open and honest with other people instead of hiding who we are and
who we love, either willfully or by omission.
• We can let go of the stress and pressure of constantly covering up or changing
certain aspects of our lives to please other people or avoid rejection.
• We can overcome our internalized homophobia/transphobia and instead embrace
self-esteem and pride.
20

Can coming out also be liberating and freeing? (cont’d)
• We can discover who truly accepts and loves us for who we are, and create deeper
and more authentic bonds.
• We can remind people who might discriminate against the LGBTQ community that
we are their family members, friends, colleagues, and clients.
• We can be a visible minority, who challenges assumptions and stereotypes, invests
in the people who love and care for us in our struggle for equality, and gives others
like us hope, pride, and role models.
21

What are the positive feelings when we come out?
• We can feel the lifting of a burden.
• We can feel relief and joy.
• We can feel that our true lives are starting.
• We can feel pride in our resilience and courage.
• We can feel connection to the LGBTQ community and our many allies.
• We can feel energized to make change for the LGBTQ community.
22

Where can we find resources for both sides of the coming out process?
Our own website and PFLAG National provides some excellent information:
• Find books and memoirs Recommended Reading, under the sections “Coming
Out” and “Understanding and Supporting Your Child.”
• Read/print Brochures for free information in short concise form.
• Start your search for Counseling and Support.
• Connect with other organizations and websites using our extensive LGBTQ list.
23

Where can we find resources for both sides of the coming out process? (cont’d)
If you are coming out, refer to this page:
• PLFAG National’s Coming Out Support for LGBT People
If someone you love or care for just came out, refer to these pages:
• Coming Out Help for Families, Friends & Allies at PFLAG National.
• More Resources at PFLAG National.
24

Where can I find more information?
• If you want real-life stories on parenting a gay child, you might consult the book
This Is A Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday
Life.
• If you learned your son is gay, you might start consult the book The Family Heart: A
Memoir of When Our Son Came Out
by Robb Forman Dew
• If you found our your daughter is lesbian, you might consult the book Prairie
Silence: A Memoir by Melanie Hoffert.
• If you learn your child is transgender you might start with the consult the book The
Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals by Stephanie A. Brill.
25

Where can I find more information? (cont’d)
• If you learn your spouse is gay, you might start with the website Straight Spouse
Network and consult the book Unseen-Unheard: Straight Spouses from Trauma to
Transformation by Amity Buxton.
• If you learn your spouse is transgender, you might consult Resources for People
with Transgender Family Members Sex Changes from the Human Rights campaign
and read the book Sex Changes: A Memoir of Marriage, Gender, and Moving on by
Christine Benvenuto.
26

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