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1. Getting Started: What We Choose
When we or someone we love or care for is LGBTQ, why and how did it happen?
• Is it our fault? Did we do something wrong?
• Is it a result of making poor choices? Can we change or control it?
• Can we attribute it to poor parenting or childhood trauma?
• Can we simply dismiss it as a stage or form of rebellion?
• Can we change sexual orientation and gender identity through counseling or
reparation therapy?
The answer to all these questions is No.
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2. Getting Started: What We Choose
Then how do we understand why someone is LGBTQ?
The reality is complex and often requires us to think in new and different ways.
• Sexuality and gender resemble inherent traits as opposed to acquired ones.
• Sexuality and gender feel as innate as anything else we are born with and discover
at an early age, like our muscle reflexes.
• It is not a choice but just how some of us are.
• There is nothing wrong with these natural variances in sexual orientation and
gender identity.
• They have always been with us and our part of our human history.
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3. Getting Started: What We Choose
How are sexual orientation and gender identity determined?
• No one knows exactly how sexual orientation and gender identity are determined.
However, experts agree that it is a complicated matter of genetics, biology,
psychological and social factors.
• For most people, sexual orientation and gender identity are shaped at any early
age.
• While research has not determined a cause, homosexuality and gender variance
are not the result of any one factor like parenting or past experiences. It is never
anyone's "fault" if they or their loved one grows up to be LGBTQ.
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4. Getting Started: What We Choose
How are sexual orientation and gender identity determined? (cont’d)
• If you are asking yourself why you or your loved one is LGBTQ, consider asking
yourself another question: Why ask why? Does your response to a LGBTQ person
depend on knowing why they are LGBTQ?
• Regardless of cause, LGBTQ people deserve equal rights and to be treated fairly.
Source: PFLAG National
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5. Getting Started: What We Choose
Is there something wrong with being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer?
• No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
• There have been people in all cultures and times throughout human history who
have identified themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.
• Homosexuality is not an illness or a disorder, a fact that is agreed upon by both the
American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association.
Homosexuality was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of
the American Psychiatric Association in 1974.
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6. Getting Started: What We Choose
Is there something wrong with being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer?
(cont’d)
• Being transgender or gender variant is not a disorder either, although Gender
Identity Dysphoria (GID) is still listed in the DSM of the American Psychiatric
Association.
• Being LGBTQ is as much a human variation as being left-handed – a person's sexual
orientation and gender identity are just another piece of who they are. There is
nothing wrong with being LGBTQ – in fact, there's a lot to celebrate.
• Discriminatory laws, policies and attitudes that persist in our schools, workplaces,
places of worship and larger communities, however, are wrong and hurt LGBTQ
people and their loved ones. PFLAG works to make sure that LGBTQ people have
full civil rights and can live openly, free from discrimination and violence.
Source: PFLAG National
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7. Getting Started: What We Choose
How common is it to be gay and transgender?
• Being gay is common enough that chances are we are related to someone gay
right now or have someone gay in our family tree. And we have all met gay people
throughout our lives, though in some cases, we have not been aware of it.
• Right now, estimates range that anywhere from 3% to 10% of the world population
is gay, but these numbers are biased by widespread homophobia.
• Being transgender is much more rare. Transgender statistics are also difficult to
obtain. Right now, 0.3 percent is a current estimate within the US population.
• Estimates will become more accurate when more societies, including our own,
achieve full equality: that is, when people can truthfully answer surveys without
fear and stigma.
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8. Getting Started: What We Choose
How does someone know they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender?
• Some people say that they have "felt different" or knew they were attracted to
people of the same sex from the time they were very young.
• Some transgender people talk about feeling from an early age that their gender
identity did not match parental and social expectations.
• Others do not figure out their sexual orientation or gender identity until they are
adolescents or adults. Often it can take a while for people to put a label to their
feelings, or people's feelings may change over time.
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9. Getting Started: What We Choose
How does someone know they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender? (cont’d)
• Understanding our sexuality and gender can be a lifelong process, and people
shouldn't worry about labeling themselves right away. However, with positive
images of LGBTQ people more readily available, it is becoming easier for people to
identify their feelings and come out at earlier ages.
• People don't have to be sexually active to know their sexual orientation – feelings
and emotions are as much a part of one's identity. The short answer is that you'll
know when you know.
Source: PFLAG National
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10. Getting Started: What We Choose
Even if being LGBTQ is normal, how do we know it’s not a phase or experiment when
it comes to our children and teens?
• We know that young children and teens try all sorts of activities and personas that
we might call a phase or experiment, which they leave behind as they grow up.
• We know that young children and teens experiment with opposite gender roles
and most outgrow it or if not, still feel they are the gender they were assigned at
birth.
• We know some straight teens might have a mild crush on someone of their own
gender or experiment with sexual play or activity with the same sex.
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11. Getting Started: What We Choose
So how do we know it’s not a stage or phase?
We know because our children will tell us.
• If our teenager tells us that they only have strong feelings for the same sex and
have felt that way as long as they can remember, we know they are not just telling
us they idolize a peer or tried something sexually just to see what it was like.
• If our child/teenager persistently, consistently, and insistently tells us they feel the
opposite gender from the one they were assigned at birth and that they feel
consumed by this feeling, we know they are not just telling us they feel like a “tom
boy” or have non-traditional gender interest.
• If our teenager tells us they have something important to discuss with us and then
comes out (or writes us a detailed letter) chances are they have already gone
through a long and extensive process to determine their sexuality and gender but
kept it private from us.
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12. Getting Started: What We Choose
What if our children tell us they are not sure?
• It’s perfectly okay to be questioning.
• People, including our children, operate on different schedules. Some gay or
transgender people will say: “I always knew from the minute I can remember.” For
others, figuring out their sexual orientation and gender identity is a longer process.
• Giving our children freedom to explore is not going to make our kids one way or
another. That is, refusing to give a child space to explore if he is gay will not make
him straight. Similarly, letting a young child explore cross-gender behavior and
activities will not make the child transgender.
• Questioning and trying things on is not causal. Our children do not develop a
sexual orientation or gender identity because we give them permission to explore.
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13. Getting Started: What We Choose
What does a questioning child need from us?
• Our children need to know that some people do question sexual orientation and
gender identity and that there is nothing wrong with it.
• Our children need access to the accurate, age-appropriate information about
sexual orientation and gender identity. Keep in mind that their school’s sexual
education program might not cover these areas at all, which means exploring
other resources, like PFLAG Bellevue/Eastside.
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14. Getting Started: What We Choose
What does a questioning child need from us? (cont’d)
• Our children need us to respect their need for self-identification. Some children
might not be ready to apply labels to themselves while others might find it
extremely important for us to acknowledge their identity (even if that identity
might change in the next few years).
• Our children need assurance that wherever they land at the end of their journey,
that we will love them, support them, and be proud of them.
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15. Getting Started: What We Choose
What is reparative therapy and why is it wrong?
• Reparative therapy is a set of practices conducted to “cure” sexual orientation and
gender identity through conversion therapy. This therapy is also called “ex-gay” or
“pray the gay away” therapy as well as “sexual orientation change efforts” (SOCE).
• Reparative therapy has been repudiated as a pseudo-science by virtually every
major medical or mental health organization, including the American Psychiatric
Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Academy of
Pediatrics, the American Counseling Association and the American Medical
Association.
Source: National Center for Lesbian Rights
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16. Getting Started: What We Choose
Is reparative therapy ever dangerous or even fatal?
Yes, it is. It is not only a pseudo-treatment but a life-threatening one.
• Reparative therapy is harmful at the very least, and potentially dangerous or lethal,
especially to minors, where it can lead to depression, anxiety, drug use,
homelessness, and suicide.
• Several jurisdictions including California, New Jersey, and the District of Columbia
have passed laws banning licensed providers from offering “conversion therapy” to
minors, and similar bills are being considered in other states.
Source: National Center for Lesbian Rights
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17. Getting Started: What We Choose
What is PFLAG National’s policy regarding reparation therapy?
PFLAG National takes a strong position against reparation therapy.
• “We believe such efforts are harmful to the emotional and mental health of the
targeted individuals. These attempts originate from cultural bias based on myth,
misperception and misunderstanding. We encourage all professional, educational
and religious organizations to work toward changing these cultural biases rather
than embarking on futile and damaging efforts to change an individual's sexual
orientation or gender identity.
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18. Getting Started: What We Choose
Even if people don’t choose to be LGBTQ, why do they choose to make it a big deal
or “flaunt” it?
• Actually LGBTQ people don’t choose to flaunt sexual orientation and gender
identity any more than straight people do.
• We’re all raised and conditioned to perform and accept public and outward
demonstrations of our sexual orientation. From our music and fashion, to our
social rituals like proms and weddings, to family photos in our office and bringing
our spouse or significant other to social events.
• We all express our gender identity, from our innate traits to those aspects that are
culturally conditioned or that are influenced by our own tastes.
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19. Getting Started: What We Choose
Even if people don’t choose to be LGBTQ, why do they choose to make it a big deal
or “flaunt” it? (cont’d)
• When we tell LGBTQ people to suppress their sexual orientation and gender
identity, we are telling them to embrace closet behavior: to hide who they are and
the people they are attracted to or love—to even lie about their spouses and
families. Living that way is extremely difficult, sometimes impossible, and highly
discriminatory.
• It’s highly instructive to imagine a day where we have to completely conceal our
status as a straight person or hide that we identify with the typical gender binary.
Think of all the planning, deception, and suppression that would entail and how it
would impact our relationships with our colleagues, friends, and family.
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20. Getting Started: What We Choose
We don’t choose to be LGBTQ or love or care about someone who is. What can we
choose?
We can choose how to take care of ourselves, support the people we love and care
for, and take advantage of the many resources available to the LGBTQ community and
allies, including PFLAG Bellevue/Eastside.
• If you've been struggling with your sexuality and/or gender, you are okay. In fact,
you are exactly how you are supposed to be. Our motto is: “You are loved by
PFLAG.” You are part of a community that can offer you resources, support, and
role models.
• If you are a parent who feels you failed your child or that your child failed you,
there is nothing wrong with your child's sexual orientation and gender orientation.
It is not something you caused or can change through reparation therapy. It is just
another part of the child you already love.
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21. Getting Started: What We Choose
We don’t choose to be LGBTQ or love or care about someone who is. What can we
choose? (cont’d)
• If learning about someone's sexuality and gender is a shock to you and therefore
seems hard to believe, consider it is something that the person has probably
realized at a young age but did not reveal, likely out of confusion, fear and
insecurity.
• If you are an ally, a family member, friend, or professional who wants to better
support LGBTQ patients, clients, colleagues, or employees, you are choosing to do
the right thing. Our allies greatly enhance lives and in some cases save them.
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22. Getting Started: What We Choose
Where can I find more information?
• For information on the naturalness of sexual orientation and gender spectrum,
read the book Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity.
• For PFLAG National’s stance on reparative therapy, read these two sections of
their website: Reparative Therapy and Policy Statements: Treatment to Alter
Sexual Orientation or So-called “Reparative or Conversion Therapies”
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