2. having told her, “Don’t apologize for your feelings or emotions, because it only minimizes or
negates them.”Around the time of the anniversary marker, Kimberly writes:
My soul needs consoling. I am having a difficult time having a clear mind and emotionally
attempting to keep my chin above water, so that I don't drown in these tears of frustration and
grief. I wonder if my heart will ever feel whole again from the pain of Rob ` s suicide. I
believe that I would feel so different if my husband had died from illness, accident or
something other than self-murder and suicide. Clinically I understand that there is nothing I
could have done differently. Emotionally, I replay over and over whether I could have done
more. I will never understand why he chose to end his life and turn from the invitation of
redemption. I am trying to accept that he couldn't receive his redemption from the Father.
I now have a grid for grief, inconceivable, inconsolable grief. I know what despair feels like,
I've experienced that once in my life. When I lost my baby going into my 3rd trimester, the
7th month, I despaired the loss of my child. But I overcame that sadness and despair. I don’t
understand depression or the spiral of it long term. I understand it clinically, but again, I do
not understand it experientially.
Everyone around me thinks I am this very strong woman of God. But I am not. I am weak. I
cry. I am reminded that my weakness is made perfect in His strength!!! I have been crying so
much in this past month, almost as much as I did when Rob first died. Even now, tears come
flooding my face down my cheeks as I write. I pray. I ask God to forgive me of my sins in
asking why Rob chose to end his own life, and for my anger in that he chose to do so and
leave such a financial mess. God is a merciful and gracious God. I keep reminding myself,
that in His being merciful, gracious and loving toward Rob, He must be just as much toward
me...
I had been seemingly on an even kilter for what seemed a fair amount of time. Yet, while
attempting to lead a prayer set at the Rock House of Prayer, stirring yet again began. I got up
to pray, and all I could do was cry. Memories of coming every Wednesday to early morning
prayer with my husband for 3 years or even more, came flooding in. This was the first time
since my husband's suicide that I came to RHOP. I had stayed away all this time. I could only
make garbled proclamations in between my tears of mourning. I REMEMBERED. I
remembered the grogginess of 5: 30 a.m. kissing our throats as we prayed and sang. Our ears
and heart were tempered by the leading of the Holy Spirit in melodic songs that deeply
touched the spirit.
I cried because I wanted to be what we were. I wanted Rob back here, on earth and in my life.
The Lord gently reminded me this was not a possible choice. Grief is the loss and mourning is
the remembering. How do I mourn Rob gracefully? I don't think that I can. I have grieved
very ungracefully with rivers of tears and snot offerings at the altar. The memories are
sometimes wondrous and amazing. I worry that I won't remember the essence of Rob, the
goodness of who he was in his right mind in Christ. I have to stop and dig very hard for those
memories and yet other times the memories over take me like the flow of many rushing
waters.
3. I have been quietly processing great contemplative questions my Pastor adjured me to
consider. His words did not fall on deaf ears; his love was felt in my spirit. I am reminded,
God rebukes those He loves. In this time of redefinition I have allowed insecurity to weave
itself into my life. This is a new experience for me in these last 22 years of my life. Who I am
has changed drastically through my husband's suicide. I have been divorced and know the
pain of divorce. The hidden rejection in it. In surviving suicide as a spouse, there is a feeling
of blatant silent rejection that you can never address. I have felt the most rejected in this
experience, even more rejected then being given up for adoption.
There are so many unanswered questions. Too many, in fact. And they play with your mind.
Especially security. In my husband's suicide, I not only lost my husband, but also all financial
security with much debt that I have been working my way to pay off. Many of my
relationships have changed through this journey of surviving suicide. Many that I thought
were solid life-long friends don't call or can hardly bear to spend time with me or look me in
the eyes. I own my part, in that I have not taken the energy or time to call or reinvest in
relationships. When it is all said and done, there is no energy left when you are a survivor of
suicide. You must be intentional with maintaining relationships, even if others aren't. I had
begun to think that I had nothing to share and that I was worthless and so I desperately rode in
on others' coattails looking for affirmation and acceptance I so desperately needed, but could
not ask for. This doesn't work.
I need to be honest with myself and remove the subtle mantle of delusion camouflaged as
emotional stability. I am a weak, fragile and broken person. I need affirmation and
acceptance. Please forgive me for trying to find my desolate needs met in people instead of
you, Lord. Thank you, God that I can receive all that I need in my identity from you. In Christ
alone!
We have dared to share Kimberly’s story, even while she is still in the healing process.
Kimberly could have given up on life and on her faith, but she didn’t. The enemy would have
liked her to give up. For some reason, which we will likely never know this side of heaven,
Rob was unable to lay hold of his victory. The enemy would like to have turned that into a
message of defeat for Kimberly, too. But Kimberly has chosen the way of courage. Courage
isn’t a demonstration of personal invincibility. Rather, it is throwing one’s self completely on
the Lord our Rock, looking to His presence and Word for salvation in the midst of difficult
circumstances, even while being humble enough to adjust anything that hinders the restoration
process. Kimberly is in no way at fault for the tragedy she found herself in the midst of, even
as you are not at fault for the assaults that have broadsided you. Yet, the Lord will teach us
how to depend on Him alone, as He is the only One who can heal our wounds and give us
strength to stand.
Kimberly is one of the bravest women I have met in her pursuit to overcome by the presence
of God. Her words, as she tells her story, don’t begin to reveal the cheerful kindness evident
in her personality as she interacts with other people, and presses on in her ministry work. Her
story isn’t complete yet, and she has already become an encouragement to so many other
people as she moves forward past the discouragement that has attempted to take her out.
4. Psalm 27: 13-14 I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness
of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong, and let your heart take
courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.