Understanding Toddlers Autonomy in action Creatively compiled by Michael Farnworth, Ed. D.
Please Read: “A Dream” by Jeffery Holland
5 basic human needs... <ul><li>1. Physical and safety needs </li></ul><ul><li>2. Self-esteem needs </li></ul><ul><li>3. To...
Two assumptions... <ul><li>Do you believe that humans have these needs and that they are essential to one’s healthy develo...
Are toddlers really human? <ul><li>If we believe that the toddler is really human with the accompanying human needs then w...
Who is going to have their needs met? ADULT CHILD NEEDS CONFLICT OF
Frustration-aggression <ul><li>A basic premise of human personality is that when a person does not get their basic needs m...
The role of hostility... <ul><li>When your expectations are not fulfilled then the energy of hostility is created and will...
Three options we have when our expectations are not met.... <ul><li>1. Believe I'm wrong and change expectation. </li></ul...
An example.... <ul><li>You are a young mother *  and it is Tuesday evening. Dinner is over, your husband has just left for...
Young mother’s expectations... <ul><li>If my child  loves  me then, she will do what I ask. </li></ul>Young father’s expec...
 
 
Control and predictions in the toddler’s life <ul><li>Have you ever wondered why children will sit and watch the same show...
 
 
Security and self-esteem <ul><li>1. Family rules </li></ul><ul><li>2. Schedules and routines </li></ul><ul><li>3. Jobs and...
Creatures of habit... <ul><li>Humans are most comfortable with the familiar and quickly establish routines to create order...
Toddler guidelines for autonomy/self-esteem <ul><li>1. Provide choices </li></ul><ul><li>2. Set limits and have boundaries...
 
A test of health for mothers... Allowing your children to dress themselves....
“ Reasoning with a toddler”... <ul><li>Remember... It usually does not work! </li></ul><ul><li>Instead provide choices and...
 
A toddler’s self-esteem <ul><li>Understand that a toddler who has autonomy, control, and some prediction power in their li...
 
List 5 qualities that you really admire in yourself and that you would like to pass on to your children... record these in...
Now list 5 qualities that you dislike in yourself and that you would rather not pass on to your children... Record these i...
The dynamics of the qualities... <ul><li>Maybe the good is bad... </li></ul><ul><li>Maybe the bad is good... </li></ul><ul...
Beware the “energy”... <ul><li>The more intense the energy the greater the bonding force in feelings and words. </li></ul>...
The more contempt a person has for them self the more dangerous they are to their children…
“You can drive the devil out of your garden but will find him again in the garden of your child.”  Heinrich Pestalozzi
Much of what parenting is about is the transfer of energy from one generation to the next... (Food, religion, sexual stuff...
You  can not  give what you  do not  have... <ul><li>You will not be able to pass on to your child any better of a self co...
The basis and core of your spiritual life... <ul><li>Is how much compassion and acceptance you feel in your heart toward t...
Now think about it... <ul><li>If you were not given enough control as a child over your life maybe your current  preoccupa...
Childhood is an immersion in neediness...And
A needy child is considered, in this culture, a bad child with his or her behavior considered the “worst” when they are th...
 
“ Looking back, I'm not sure I could put words to what I was feeling.  I know  I didn’t want to impose my moods on her or ...
The dependency needs of a child: <ul><li>Care </li></ul><ul><li>Attention </li></ul><ul><li>Touch </li></ul><ul><li>Respec...
 
The narcissistic disturbance <ul><li>When, if as a child, our narcissistic needs were not meant and we were used by others...
Growing up in this family... <ul><li>There was a father who would not allow any infant to be attended to while he or she w...
If you ever heard a version of this growing up... <ul><li>“ You were such a good child you never caused a moments concern ...
Create a child... <ul><li>What qualities would you have in a child if you could put one together from “scratch”? </li></ul>
“Projection parenting” <ul><li>We have created an imaginary child in our minds... </li></ul><ul><li>This creation has take...
 
 
 
 
Projection is the process where by you attribute and assign your children to act out this “imaginary child” you have creat...
 
 
How can a child ever feel good about themselves, if they never seem to measure up...To your fanticiful expectations of them!
 
Listen to a song... Perfect  By Alanis Morisette
<ul><li>Sometimes it’s never quite enough.  If your flawless, then you’re in my love.  Don’t forget to win first place.  D...
<ul><li>Be a good girl ,you’ve got to try a little harder.  That simply wasn’t good enough to make us proud.  I’ll live fo...
The two most common parenting abuses: <ul><li>1.  Enmeshment : don’t grow up so I can take care of you to fulfill my emoti...
 
 
 
Abandonment... <ul><li>If our parents did not affirm ourselves, our bodies, our feelings, our realities...If they did not ...
 
 
Marital issues for enmeshed or abandoned children? <ul><li>Enmeshed : boundary issues, loyalty issues, identity issues int...
 
 
Cathect <ul><li>Cathect means to: bring in, to love, to make it your own. It is the process of loving something: “i just l...
“ The issue” <ul><li>Will the child be able to cathect the mother and use her to meet it’s needs?  </li></ul><ul><li>Or wi...
“ To be or not to be”... <ul><li>To cathect or be cathected </li></ul><ul><li>To objectify or be objectified </li></ul><ul...
Role reversals in dysfunctional families <ul><li>In families that suffer from abusive dysfunctional relationships the chil...
 
Hunger or love? <ul><li>Hunger: </li></ul><ul><li>Takes from </li></ul><ul><li>Drains </li></ul><ul><li>Overprotective </l...
 
“ Hungry love” <ul><li>“ I love you so much I want to use you for the rest of my life.  I want to own you, consume you, to...
 
 
 
Love is an energy and children can feel its absence...
 
The End
 
A passive dependent personality disorder: <ul><li>This personality disorder is someone who is very rigid in role expectati...
Transitional objects <ul><li>Transitional objects are things which are not part of the infant’s body yet are not fully rec...
 
Examples of transitional objects: <ul><li>In children : </li></ul><ul><li>Blanket </li></ul><ul><li>Teddy bear </li></ul><...
Primary satisfaction: <ul><li>Love  </li></ul><ul><li>Wholeness </li></ul><ul><li>Safety </li></ul><ul><li>Acceptance </li...
Secondary satisfaction: <ul><li>Success </li></ul><ul><li>Reputation </li></ul><ul><li>Wealth </li></ul><ul><li>Power </li...
 
“Outies versus innies” <ul><li>When people can not find satisfaction in themselves then they will seek it outside themselv...
Our adult behavior? <ul><li>How might our adult behavior be a clue to understanding the history of our own childhoods and ...
 
Listen to a poem...  By Goldie D. Ivener
The inner soul is buried by the outer shells and further smothered by conformity to physical beauty that the culture dicta...
Children are permitted, at times, to express their inner souls but soon the family and education train them to conform, to...
The successes achieved are tangible items like dollars, besting your rival, big houses, nice cars and climbing the ruthles...
At times this is accomplished but for a fleeting moment, for when the crisis or illness is over once again, the soul retre...
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Autonomy In Toddlers

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Autonomy In Toddlers

  1. 1. Understanding Toddlers Autonomy in action Creatively compiled by Michael Farnworth, Ed. D.
  2. 2. Please Read: “A Dream” by Jeffery Holland
  3. 3. 5 basic human needs... <ul><li>1. Physical and safety needs </li></ul><ul><li>2. Self-esteem needs </li></ul><ul><li>3. To love </li></ul><ul><li>4. To be loved and valued </li></ul><ul><li>5. To control and make life predictable </li></ul>
  4. 4. Two assumptions... <ul><li>Do you believe that humans have these needs and that they are essential to one’s healthy development? </li></ul><ul><li>Do you believe, deep in your heart of hearts, that toddlers are human? </li></ul>
  5. 5. Are toddlers really human? <ul><li>If we believe that the toddler is really human with the accompanying human needs then we need to understand those needs, especially the need to have some control and predictability in their life! </li></ul>
  6. 6. Who is going to have their needs met? ADULT CHILD NEEDS CONFLICT OF
  7. 7. Frustration-aggression <ul><li>A basic premise of human personality is that when a person does not get their basic needs met then anger, hostility and aggression result... </li></ul>
  8. 8. The role of hostility... <ul><li>When your expectations are not fulfilled then the energy of hostility is created and will usually be dissipated toward the person responsible for not meeting the expectation. </li></ul>
  9. 9. Three options we have when our expectations are not met.... <ul><li>1. Believe I'm wrong and change expectation. </li></ul><ul><li>2. Somebody did not “understand”, I'll give them another chance. </li></ul><ul><li>3. Force the change to fulfill the expectation. </li></ul>
  10. 10. An example.... <ul><li>You are a young mother * and it is Tuesday evening. Dinner is over, your husband has just left for an elders quorum presidency meeting and your two older children are in the family room watching TV... Then you see it...Jason didn’t eat his peas... </li></ul>
  11. 11. Young mother’s expectations... <ul><li>If my child loves me then, she will do what I ask. </li></ul>Young father’s expectations IF MY CHILD RESPECTS ME THEN, SHE WILL DO WHAT I ASK.
  12. 14. Control and predictions in the toddler’s life <ul><li>Have you ever wondered why children will sit and watch the same show or video over and over and over and over again? </li></ul><ul><li>Have you ever tried changing a well known child’s story to increase the interest? </li></ul>
  13. 17. Security and self-esteem <ul><li>1. Family rules </li></ul><ul><li>2. Schedules and routines </li></ul><ul><li>3. Jobs and responsibilities </li></ul><ul><li>4. Parent’s personality </li></ul>
  14. 18. Creatures of habit... <ul><li>Humans are most comfortable with the familiar and quickly establish routines to create order, control, and predictability in life </li></ul><ul><li>Any disturbance that upsets the familiar is usually accompanied by agitation, nervousness and irritation. </li></ul>
  15. 19. Toddler guidelines for autonomy/self-esteem <ul><li>1. Provide choices </li></ul><ul><li>2. Set limits and have boundaries </li></ul><ul><li>3. Allow them to do as much as possible for themselves such as eating, dressing, bathroom use, etc.. </li></ul>REMEMBER: A TODDLER HAS A POOR SENSE OF TIME
  16. 21. A test of health for mothers... Allowing your children to dress themselves....
  17. 22. “ Reasoning with a toddler”... <ul><li>Remember... It usually does not work! </li></ul><ul><li>Instead provide choices and limits with consequences! </li></ul>
  18. 24. A toddler’s self-esteem <ul><li>Understand that a toddler who has autonomy, control, and some prediction power in their life will feel good about themselves...Parents who treat their toddlers with “human respect” will nurture self respect and esteem. </li></ul>
  19. 26. List 5 qualities that you really admire in yourself and that you would like to pass on to your children... record these in your journal.
  20. 27. Now list 5 qualities that you dislike in yourself and that you would rather not pass on to your children... Record these in your journal.
  21. 28. The dynamics of the qualities... <ul><li>Maybe the good is bad... </li></ul><ul><li>Maybe the bad is good... </li></ul><ul><li>Who told you they were good or bad... </li></ul><ul><li>Maybe they are both good and bad... </li></ul>
  22. 29. Beware the “energy”... <ul><li>The more intense the energy the greater the bonding force in feelings and words. </li></ul><ul><li>Sometimes our best intentions “back fire” and we end up creating the very thing we dreaded. </li></ul>
  23. 30. The more contempt a person has for them self the more dangerous they are to their children…
  24. 31. “You can drive the devil out of your garden but will find him again in the garden of your child.” Heinrich Pestalozzi
  25. 32. Much of what parenting is about is the transfer of energy from one generation to the next... (Food, religion, sexual stuff, sports, education, etc.)
  26. 33. You can not give what you do not have... <ul><li>You will not be able to pass on to your child any better of a self concept than you possess... </li></ul><ul><li>Until your own needs are met- you will not be free to meet the needs of your child... </li></ul>
  27. 34. The basis and core of your spiritual life... <ul><li>Is how much compassion and acceptance you feel in your heart toward the little child you once were- </li></ul><ul><li>No other truth will have more of an impact on you than this simple but profound relationship. </li></ul>
  28. 35. Now think about it... <ul><li>If you were not given enough control as a child over your life maybe your current preoccupation with control is a reflection of that reality. </li></ul><ul><li>If you were not respected as a child maybe that will explain your demanding respect as an adult. </li></ul>
  29. 36. Childhood is an immersion in neediness...And
  30. 37. A needy child is considered, in this culture, a bad child with his or her behavior considered the “worst” when they are the most needy.
  31. 39. “ Looking back, I'm not sure I could put words to what I was feeling. I know I didn’t want to impose my moods on her or even let her know I was having some uncomfortable feelings. I never much liked having to ask for anything...It’s easier to take care of these kinds of things myself.”
  32. 40. The dependency needs of a child: <ul><li>Care </li></ul><ul><li>Attention </li></ul><ul><li>Touch </li></ul><ul><li>Respect </li></ul><ul><li>Protection </li></ul><ul><li>Mirrored </li></ul><ul><li>Admired </li></ul><ul><li>Listened to </li></ul><ul><li>Taken seriously </li></ul>
  33. 42. The narcissistic disturbance <ul><li>When, if as a child, our narcissistic needs were not meant and we were used by others as an object; Then we will experience a disturbance in our souls that will haunt us in our adult years trying to meet the needs that were never fulfilled in our childhoods... Needs like control, respect, self-esteem, love. </li></ul>
  34. 43. Growing up in this family... <ul><li>There was a father who would not allow any infant to be attended to while he or she was crying... He would wait until they stopped and then went to them... </li></ul><ul><li>What would be some potential results of growing up in this home? </li></ul>
  35. 44. If you ever heard a version of this growing up... <ul><li>“ You were such a good child you never caused a moments concern or problem.” </li></ul><ul><li>Translated may mean: you discovered that to be of value in your family it was important not to be needy... Which was considered good. </li></ul>
  36. 45. Create a child... <ul><li>What qualities would you have in a child if you could put one together from “scratch”? </li></ul>
  37. 46. “Projection parenting” <ul><li>We have created an imaginary child in our minds... </li></ul><ul><li>This creation has taken years to accomplish and is either an: 1.Accepting introjections, or 2.Rejecting introjections of your parents behavior towards you. </li></ul>
  38. 51. Projection is the process where by you attribute and assign your children to act out this “imaginary child” you have created in your mind. You will want your children to fulfill your dreams and will use “psychological force” to make them behave.
  39. 54. How can a child ever feel good about themselves, if they never seem to measure up...To your fanticiful expectations of them!
  40. 56. Listen to a song... Perfect By Alanis Morisette
  41. 57. <ul><li>Sometimes it’s never quite enough. If your flawless, then you’re in my love. Don’t forget to win first place. Don’t forget to keep that smile on your face. Be a good boy. Try a little harder. You’ve got to measure up, make me prouder. How long before you screw it up. How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up! Cause everything I do for you, the least you can do is keep quiet. </li></ul>
  42. 58. <ul><li>Be a good girl ,you’ve got to try a little harder. That simply wasn’t good enough to make us proud. I’ll live for you, I'll make you what I never was. Cause you’re the best and maybe so am I, compared to him, compared to her. I’m doing this for your own good. You’ll make up for what I blew. What’s the problem? Why are you crying? Be a good boy. Push a little farther now. That wasn’t fast enough, to make us happy. We’ll love you just the way you are...If you’re perfect. </li></ul>
  43. 59. The two most common parenting abuses: <ul><li>1. Enmeshment : don’t grow up so I can take care of you to fulfill my emotional needs of feeling important . </li></ul><ul><li>2. Abandonment : hurry and grow up so I don’t have to be inconvenienced and bothered by you. </li></ul>
  44. 63. Abandonment... <ul><li>If our parents did not affirm ourselves, our bodies, our feelings, our realities...If they did not support us in who we really were and what we were experiencing- then they may have abandoned us in favor of their “version” of us. </li></ul>
  45. 66. Marital issues for enmeshed or abandoned children? <ul><li>Enmeshed : boundary issues, loyalty issues, identity issues intimacy issues. </li></ul><ul><li>Abandonment : boundary issues, loyalty issues, intimacy issues, trust issues, safety issues. </li></ul>
  46. 69. Cathect <ul><li>Cathect means to: bring in, to love, to make it your own. It is the process of loving something: “i just love that song”, “i love this restaurant”, “i love you”. </li></ul>
  47. 70. “ The issue” <ul><li>Will the child be able to cathect the mother and use her to meet it’s needs? </li></ul><ul><li>Or will the mother cathect the child and use the child to meet her own needs? </li></ul>
  48. 71. “ To be or not to be”... <ul><li>To cathect or be cathected </li></ul><ul><li>To objectify or be objectified </li></ul><ul><li>To live one’s life or to live the mother’s life </li></ul><ul><li>To be autonomous or con- fused </li></ul><ul><li>To be whole or to fragment </li></ul><ul><li>To bond to or be in bondage to </li></ul><ul><li>To project ones energies or to introject the energies of another </li></ul>THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS!
  49. 72. Role reversals in dysfunctional families <ul><li>In families that suffer from abusive dysfunctional relationships the children are often recruited to meet the needs of the parents assuming adult like traits , while the adults are acting more like children... </li></ul>
  50. 74. Hunger or love? <ul><li>Hunger: </li></ul><ul><li>Takes from </li></ul><ul><li>Drains </li></ul><ul><li>Overprotective </li></ul><ul><li>Jealous </li></ul><ul><li>Excludes </li></ul><ul><li>Controls </li></ul><ul><li>Suffocates </li></ul><ul><li>Love: </li></ul><ul><li>Gives to </li></ul><ul><li>Fills </li></ul><ul><li>Strengthens </li></ul><ul><li>Freeing </li></ul><ul><li>Includes </li></ul><ul><li>Respects </li></ul><ul><li>Embraces </li></ul>DEPRIVATION ABUNDANCE
  51. 76. “ Hungry love” <ul><li>“ I love you so much I want to use you for the rest of my life. I want to own you, consume you, to eat you up!” </li></ul>
  52. 80. Love is an energy and children can feel its absence...
  53. 82. The End
  54. 84. A passive dependent personality disorder: <ul><li>This personality disorder is someone who is very rigid in role expectations </li></ul><ul><li>Need of others so give them identity and meaning </li></ul><ul><li>“Love”things without a will: pets, infants,things </li></ul>
  55. 85. Transitional objects <ul><li>Transitional objects are things which are not part of the infant’s body yet are not fully recognizes as belonging to external reality. </li></ul><ul><li>T.O.S are a defense against anxiety and loss, and have an addictive quality about them. </li></ul>
  56. 87. Examples of transitional objects: <ul><li>In children : </li></ul><ul><li>Blanket </li></ul><ul><li>Teddy bear </li></ul><ul><li>Mommy </li></ul><ul><li>Pacifier </li></ul><ul><li>Toy </li></ul><ul><li>In adults : </li></ul><ul><li>Money </li></ul><ul><li>Status </li></ul><ul><li>Partner </li></ul><ul><li>Fame </li></ul><ul><li>Power </li></ul>T.O.S CAN PROVIDE SECONDARY SATISFACTION BUT NEVER PRIMARY SATISFACTION.
  57. 88. Primary satisfaction: <ul><li>Love </li></ul><ul><li>Wholeness </li></ul><ul><li>Safety </li></ul><ul><li>Acceptance </li></ul><ul><li>Content </li></ul><ul><li>Peace </li></ul><ul><li>Unity </li></ul>
  58. 89. Secondary satisfaction: <ul><li>Success </li></ul><ul><li>Reputation </li></ul><ul><li>Wealth </li></ul><ul><li>Power </li></ul><ul><li>Food </li></ul><ul><li>Sex </li></ul><ul><li>Drugs </li></ul><ul><li>Romance </li></ul><ul><li>Children </li></ul>
  59. 91. “Outies versus innies” <ul><li>When people can not find satisfaction in themselves then they will seek it outside themselves: </li></ul>LOVE SECURITY ACCEPTANCE MEANING TRUTH
  60. 92. Our adult behavior? <ul><li>How might our adult behavior be a clue to understanding the history of our own childhoods and the needs we are seeking to fulfill... </li></ul>
  61. 94. Listen to a poem... By Goldie D. Ivener
  62. 95. The inner soul is buried by the outer shells and further smothered by conformity to physical beauty that the culture dictates. Attempts to break through these layers of shells is accompanied by ridicule, criticism and personal attacks.
  63. 96. Children are permitted, at times, to express their inner souls but soon the family and education train them to conform, to regurgitate the party theme. The measure of maturity is determined by this conformity, so, the so called productive years reflect what others have dictated.
  64. 97. The successes achieved are tangible items like dollars, besting your rival, big houses, nice cars and climbing the ruthless ladder. The soul becomes atrophied at times of crises and illness crying out for some recognition, for some connection with other inhabitants.
  65. 98. At times this is accomplished but for a fleeting moment, for when the crisis or illness is over once again, the soul retreats to its niche hibernating until the next crisis occurs. So the culture prevails dictating to us, who accept with various degrees of resistance what is expected of us.

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