How not to sabotage your negotiating power as a woman.

1. YOUR OWN
TERMS
A Woman's Guide
To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation

2. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
How Not to Sabotage
Your Negotiating Power
Chapter 3

3. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
To be a successful negotiator, a woman has to delicately
combine the demanding, hard-nosed, numbers-driven male
approach with the empathetic, warm, supportive female approach…
…and she has to do each of these things at the right time

4. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Six Ways to Combat Inward Sabotage

5. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Six Ways to Combat Inward Sabotage
 Backing away from opportunities for no apparent reason
 Not asking for what we want or need
 Assuming others should know what we want
 Negative self-talk
 Indecision
 Procrastination
 Perfection paralysis
The most common way women give up their negotiating power is by thinking they don’t have any. Even
accomplished, successful professional women often doubt themselves. This leads us to self-sabotage in
subtle ways, such as:

6. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Six Ways to Combat Inward Sabotage (Cont’d)
 Not valuing ourselves enough to charge what we’re worth
 Fear of asking for more and being rejected
 Fear of not being liked or included
 Thinking small; not giving ourselves permission to think big
 Fear of overstepping bounds, making the boss angry,
getting fired
 Disconnecting from your authentic self (joy, creativity,
brilliant gifts)
 in order to “fit in”

7. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Six Ways to Combat Inward Sabotage
This is my mantra: “A woman must be willing to let go of who
she thinks she is in order to become who she is meant to be.”
As a result, we do not lay
claim to our personal power
as fully as we should or as
fully as possible.`

8. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Six Ways to Combat Inward Sabotage
Now that you’ve understood the concepts,
here are the actions. The six steps to
inward change are:
Identify
Reflect
Imagine
Let go
Allow things to
unfold
Experiment

9. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
The Seven-Second Rule
for Combating Outward Sabotage
What you do on the inside is more
important to your ultimate success,
but it’s what people see on the
outside that produces results.
Strengthening the
inside strengthens
the outside, so
you’re already
halfway there.

10. Physically condense.
This means taking up less room. You pull your materials
into a tight pile, shove your purse far under your chair,
tuck your legs under you, or pull your chair into a smaller
space so your neighbor can have more room than you.
Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Body Language Mistakes and How to Correct Them
My Coaching Tip: Spread out, claim your
turf, don’t offer to move unless asked.
1

11. Nod too much.
Men nod when agreeing. Women nod when agreeing,
listening to, empathizing with, or encouraging. Being
a bubblehead does not express authority or power.
Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Body Language Mistakes and How to Correct Them
My Coaching Tip: Practice holding yourself like a queen.
You do not have to nod. A strong neck denotes a strong
personality. Say “yes” or “okay” instead of nodding;
blink, raise an eyebrow, or lift your chin up.
2

12. Wait your turn.
In negotiations, men tend to talk more than
womenand interrupt more frequently.
Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Body Language Mistakes and How to Correct Them
My Coaching Tip: This one actually comes from former Secretary of
State Madeleine Albright, who advised up-and-coming professional
women to “Learn to interrupt.” And don’t apologize for it.
3

13. Are overly expressive.
Women who express the entire spectrum of
emotions often overwhelm their audience
(especially the males).
Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Body Language Mistakes and How to Correct Them
My Coaching Tip: To maximize your authority, minimize your
movements. You don’t have to keep a poker face, just a calm
demeanor. Calmness plus containment equals power.
4

14. Allow others to limit or define you.
Your colleague introduces you in a way that downplays
your role. You offer to handle an important team task,
but the leader doubts that you can undertake the
responsibility, even though you know you can.
Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Body Language Mistakes and How to Correct Them
My Coaching Tip: When someone introduces you in a less-than-
favorable way, just add an additional comment or two to that introduction.
For example, if someone were to say, “This is Yasmin Davidds; she
teaches negotiation to women,” I would follow by saying, “Yes, I own
the only women’s negotiation institute in the world.”
5

15. Are reluctant to use politics and influence as
negotiation tools. Because politics and influence are
viewed by many women as things that divide rather than unite
and make people feel like excluded outsiders, the cultural
pressures are high to avoid engaging in them.
Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Body Language Mistakes and How to Correct Them
My Coaching Tip: There are good and bad politics. Good politics means building your network,
which is a way of reaching out to people and creating friendships (and it’s OK if friends do favors
for each other on an equal basis). If there is no way to avoid bad politics (one-upmanship,
backstabbing, damaging reputations), then at least act within the boundaries of your own
personal values. You might end up setting the standard for better behavior all around.
6

16. Have a delicate handshake.
Weak handshakes communicate passivity and lack
of confidence. (At the other end of the spectrum,
and more a fault of men, crushing handshakes
communicate insecurity and lack of respect.)
Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Body Language Mistakes and How to Correct Them
My Coaching Tip: Face your associate squarely and fully. Meet the person’s
eyes and smile; do not look at your hands. Make sure to achieve palm-to-palm
contact and that the web of your hand (the skin between your thumb and first
finger) touches the web of the other person’s. Hold the hand firmly. A limp,
fingers-only handshake isn’t delicate or feminine; it’s a turn-off.
7

17. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
You are now ready to master the
Seven-Second Rule
You’ve likely heard the phrase “You only get
one chance to make a first impression.”
When entering a negotiation, you must create a presence
to be reckoned with, one that is respected
but also puts others at ease.
I call this “owning the room from the moment you
walk in.” And you get seven seconds to do it.

18. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Here’s what I do
 Get in touch with your best possible attitude of strength and confidence (or
your alter ego!). Exude it through your smile and by showing genuine
interest in your associates.
 Initiate a great handshake
 Continue to build rapport. Maintain positive eye contact, lean forward in
your chair, smile when appropriate, and subtly mirror the other person’s
body postures.
 State upfront your confidence that things will end to your liking.
 Once you’ve made your seven-second impression:
 Defuse any negativity with alignment. Sit or stand shoulder to shoulder; or
turn to face the same direction as the other person if you can. If this is not
possible, turn away slightly and pause to consider your response.
 Make a positive final impression. Stand tall and shake hands warmly when
saying good-bye.

19. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
What You Say Can Hurt You
It’s a big fear: saying the wrong thing, or saying the
right thing the wrong way.
Women speak differently than men do because of
the cultural pressures on us to be “nice” as
children. Forcing yourself to speak in new ways has
been known to raise very deep and real anxieties,
often seeded in us by parental disapproval.
Coping with these anxieties during an important
negotiation is not an option; it will minimize your
ability to respond strategically and creatively.
This work needs to be done away from the
negotiating arena, and under low-stress
circumstances, until it becomes habitual.

20. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
Five Verbal Mistakes and
How to Correct Them
Minimizing your work or position
Minimizing the importance or size of an achievement
Weakening your message with qualifiers
Interjecting nonwords
Failing to pause or reflect before responding

21. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
The good news is, all this is
within your power to alter.
You do not have to be
victimized by thoughts
and behaviors that you
have learned previously
and continue to
impose on yourself.

22. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
You have the power to get out from under these
burdens and make yourself heard and respected.

23. Your Own Terms - A Woman's Guide To Taking Charge of Any Negotiation
We all know we still face barriers;
but now, we can face fewer