Persuasive Discipline

Persuasive Discipline
49 Powerful Techniques to Influence
Children Toward Positive Behavior
A Child Guidance FREE Skill-Building Guide for Teachers
and Parents

Introduction
 This skill-building guide will navigate a reader like you
—a committed parent on the quest for truly effective
discipline measures— through the ocean-deep waters
of persuasive communication, one of the most far-
reaching ways to deliver a message, any message. My
personal definition of a persuasive message is
communicating more by talking less. Persuasive
communicators understand and apply the principle that
“shorter is stronger.” With a persuasive message, the
key is to make the sentence shorter and the message
stronger. With this idea in mind, you are going to learn
here how to improve your child’s compliance by
routinely incorporating persuasive messages into your
discipline system. First, let’s detail two key components
of a persuasive message: suggestions and
persuasions.

Giving Suggestions to Children
 When we give a suggestion, we bring an idea
or a thought for consideration into the child’s
mind. Because we mostly express
suggestions in the form of tentative language,
they carry no pressure to comply; for
example, saying to your child, “You know,
people feel a sense of relief after talking
about what is bothering them with someone
they trust. If I were you, I would give it a try,
and see what happens.” The “would” before
the directive (“give it a try”) softens the
directive, making easier for the child to agree
with it.

Some sentence starters that you can
use to give suggestions are…
 You should try to _____
 You could always…
 Have you thought about
_____?
 Maybe if you try it this
way…
 In your place, I would…
 Have you considered…?
 Perhaps (we, you)
could…
 What about _____?
 You might try…
 What if (we, you)
_____?
 Do you think is a good
idea to _____?
 If I were you, I would…
 You should perhaps…
 Why don’t (we, you)
_____?
 Maybe you should…
 I was just wondering if
(we, you) could _____
 How about _____?
 You might want to
consider this…

Soften Your Suggestion with a
Question
 Phrasing our suggestions as questions will also
soften the suggestion. However, if we phrase a
suggestion as a statement, then, to reduce the
intensity of our directive and create a sense of
probability or a positive expectation, we can use
modal verbs (should, could, and might). Because
modal verbs do not guarantee that something is
true or is going to happen, they are able to open
the mind to consider what might be. This will give
you the edge in moving your oppositional and/or
noncompliant child to reflect whether something
indeed is possible or likely. It is up to you, then,
to convince your child not only that something
can be done, but also, that it is worth the effort
(e.g. “What if you could do it?” and “How can we
move this forward?”).

Use Tentative Words
 To make our suggestions even less forceful and more
tentative, we can also include a “maybe” or a “perhaps”
in the statement.
 Let’s look at some examples:
o Maybe you could talk with your teacher — Perhaps you
could talk with your teacher
o Maybe you should talk with Mr. Sinclair — Perhaps you
should talk with Mr. Sinclair
o Maybe you need to discuss this with Mr. Sinclair —
Perhaps you need to discuss this with Mr. Sinclair
o Maybe you should maybe think about this issue
carefully before deciding
o Perhaps you should maybe think about this issue
carefully before deciding

Use Modal Verbs
 To create a bigger impact, we can combine a question
with a modal verb; for example, “Could you maybe…?”
or “Wouldn’t it be a good idea to…?”
 Another option that we have is to add the word
“something;” for example, “Could you give it back to her
or something?”
 Why going to such lengthy measures to ask for what we
want? Well, maybe you do not have to, but if you are
handling an oppositional or noncompliant child, the less
forceful you sound the less opposition from your child
you will get. With well worded suggestions, you can
transform your skills in making requests into an art.
Simply put, if you want to get better compliance with
your requests, expressing it in the form of suggestions
will do wonders.

Additional recommendations for giving
suggestions are…
 Use freedom of choice to influence your child into
believing that what she is doing is her own idea, not
yours. For example, “What would you rather do _____
or _____?” A freedom of choice request is an indirect
suggestion stated in the form of an either/or question.
 Compliance improves when one choice is clearly more
appealing to your child than the other choice is. When
your child compares mentally both choices, the more
appealing one feels “not as bad” and easier to deal
with, and the probability of your child accepting the
easier option increases. Present first the option that you
know your child is going to reject followed by the more
attractive or moderate choice.
 Give only choices that you can accept happily and
without reservations.

Wonder
 Develop positive and more constructive ideas
in your child’s mind by asking, “Have you
considered _____ yet?” Your presupposition
here is that, eventually, your child is going to
consider the idea that you are proposing.
 Wonder aloud about what your child can do.
For example, saying, “I was wondering if you
could…” or “I was just wondering if we could
have…”
 Use interspersed suggestions by changing
the tone of your voice or by talking slower to
emphasize key ideas.

Changing Young Hearts and
Minds with the Persuasive
Message

Shifting Perceptions
 Suggestions and modal verbs give us the
linguistic tools we need to shift children from
a mind-set where goals and dreams cannot
happen and are beyond reach to start
believing that goals and dreams can happen,
they are possible, and are within reach.
However, as persuasive and inspirational
communicators, this is just the beginning; our
next task is to shift the young heart and mind
again, this time from believing that “it can
happen” to believing that “it must happen.”
This is the job of the persuasive message.

Persuasive Communication is
Everywhere
 Persuasive communication is all around us;
chances are that we had delivered
persuasive messages many times before. We
just need to learn to detect them, and to start
putting our words together in such a way that
we can take full advantage of their rich
persuasive value. Our strategic choice of
words can have a big influential effect in what
children believe and in how they behave. Our
goal in persuasive communication is
convincing children to internalize our
persuasive argument, and once that
happens, children develop a new way of
thinking, feeling, and/or behaving.

The Hidden Command
 At the core of our persuasive message is an appeal to
reason or logic, to emotions, and/or to the child’s
character (self-perception).
 Its most basic element is the hidden command, a short
directive planted inconspicuously in the message. In a
hidden command, all the other words in the sentence
conceal the command, weakening any resistance to the
directive. For example, saying to your child, “From what
I hear you saying, you feel that the best way to settle
this is to ask Devon to return your book.” The phrase in
italics is the hidden command or your directive. With the
simple trick of changing our voice while we say the
embedded command (for example, talking faster,
slower, higher, or lower), we separate the directive from
the rest of the sentence turning an otherwise powerless
phrase into an influential hidden command.

Listen, so that you can
persuade
 The closely we listen to our children to
understand what they want and need, the more
effective in persuading them we will be.
Persuasive messages drawn from inferences of
what we think our child wants or needs (e.g.
“From what I hear you saying, you feel that the
best way to settle this is to ask Devon to return
your book”) are way more effective than appeals
or requests that mostly take into consideration
our own preferences as parents, with little or no
sensitivity to the child’s preferences (what the
child wants or needs).
 In other words, to enhance the persuasive value
of our messages, we need to make sure that
what we are suggesting and what the child wants
or needs are in alignment or that they agree.

Examples of persuasive messages that
we can use with children
 The words and/or phrases in italics are the ones intended to
influence self-perceptions and states of mind (the hidden
commands).
o You seem much calmer than you have ever been. You are really
maturing.
o I know you are going to do the right thing. I get the feeling that you
really want to settle this issue with Devon.
o At heart, you are really a neat child. I know you want to organize
your room so that you can find your things faster.
o Your room seems cleaner lately.
o Wow! You really stuck for your rights. The way you held your ground
with Devon is telling me that no one is going to push you around
anymore. You are really coming a long way in asserting yourself.
o Your self-confidence keeps growing; and it shows.
o Devon and you are best friends, so I know that you want to put this
issue behind you.
o I know that you’re going to put a lot of careful thought into this.

Persuasion Technique 1
Assume that What You Want is True
 If you talk and act as if what you want
is true, your child will believe you. With
a positive assumption, we take for
granted that the child wants to do what
we are asking; for example, asking,
“Do you want carrots or celery?”
positively assumes that the child
wants and will eat one of these two
vegetables.

Use Positive Directions
 When we use positive directions, we get higher
compliance than when we use negative directions.
Negative directions tell children what not to do; “Don’t
make noises,” or “Don’t hit your little brother” are
examples of negative directions. On the other hand,
positive directions tell children what they need to do to
comply. Work in changing the negative directions you
give children into positive directions.
 Shapiro (1994) recommends writing down the negative
directions we typically say in one column, and then, in a
second column, we change those statements into
directions that tell the child, in a very specific way, what
he or she should be doing instead. Always describe
what you want in positive terms; for example, “Talk in a
quiet voice” rather than “Stop shouting.”

Point Out an Acceptable Alternative
 Positive directions guide the child toward a more
appropriate behavior or alternative. Shapiro
provides the following examples, “Making noises
at the table disturbs other people during dinner. If
you need to make noises, you can excuse
yourself from the table and go outside for five
minutes,” and “When you hit your little brother
you will have to go to time-out. Try hitting this
pillow when you are angry.” The phrases in italics
are the acceptable alternatives.
 According to Schaefer (1994), when we point out
an acceptable alternative, the child will be more
likely to change the inappropriate behavior
because he knows what he should do in addition
to what to stop doing.

Use More “Start” Messages and Fewer “Stop”
Messages
 It is easier to start doing something than to
stop doing something, especially if the child is
enjoying what she is doing. Apply this
knowledge when disciplining children: instead
of focusing the child on what to stop doing,
focus her on what to start doing. For
example, you can turn a “stop” statement like,
“Stop wasting time!” into a directive statement
such as, “Please, return to your seat and get
your reading book.”
 A parent or teacher skilled in persuasive
discipline is able to suggest alternative ways
of behaving rather than constantly saying
“No,” “Don’t,” or “Stop that.”

Replace the Word “Start” with the Word “Continue”
 It is even easier to continue doing an
activity that is already in progress than
to start doing something new. You will
find less resistance to requests and
commands by just dropping the word
“continue” in the sentence. For
example, saying, “Justin, continue
doing your homework” or “Justin,
continue reading your book.”

State Rules Impersonally
 For example, you can say, “The rule in
this class is no wearing caps in the
classroom,” or “The rule in this house is
no pushing your sister.” Avoid taking
ownership of the rule saying things like,
“I want…” or “I expect to see that you…”
The beauty in using impersonal wording
is that puts the child in conflict with an
impersonal rule; the child and the adult
are not in conflict, neither the child with
another student (Schaefer, 1994).

Give Alpha Commands
 A command is a short authoritative statement that demands
instant compliance. Walker and Walker (1991) identify two
types of commands:
o Beta commands involve vague and multiple directives, given
simultaneously, and they do not provide a clear criterion for
compliance. With a beta command, we do not give the child
adequate time and opportunity to comply; in other words,
when we give a beta command, we do not tell the child
exactly what he needs to do to comply. Beta commands are
usually accompanied by excessive verbalizations. Walker and
Walker present the following example of a beta command,
“Jimmy, your room is always such a mess! Why don’t you
clean it up instead of waiting for me to do it for you? I’m so
tired of always picking up after you!” The phrase in italics is
the beta command; everything else is just venting. Most
importantly, the directive given is so ambiguous that it is going
to be difficult for Jimmy to comply with what the parent wants.

o Alpha commands are short (15 words or less)
and tell the child exactly what to do; for
example, “Jimmy, pick up all the toys from
the floor and put them on the shelf.”
Beta commands lower the rate of
compliance; alpha commands increase
compliance. However, both types of
commands can escalate into a demand,
which is why we should use commands
carefully and only if they are necessary to the
situation.

To give alpha commands…
 Use positive, descriptive terms.
 Give only one command at a time, followed with
a period to comply.
 Do not argue with the child, and do not reissue
the command or give a different command to the
child.
 If the child does not comply, repeat the same
command, beginning with, “You need to…” and
giving a mild consequence.
 If the child complies, give her positive attention
and descriptive praise; for example, “Good, you
responded promptly to what I asked you to do.”
We get better results when we move closer to
the child to give the command (close proximity
technique) (Walker and Walker, 1991).

Give More Requests and Fewer Commands
 Do not give a command if a request would do
it as well. Always use more requests and
suggestions than commands or direct orders.
Unlike a command, a request carries no
pressure to comply, implying that the child
has a choice; more specifically, we are giving
the child the opportunity to either accept or to
refuse the request. We state requests in the
form of questions accompanied by social
conventions such as “Would you please…?”
or “I would like you to…” (Walker and Walker,
1991). In other words, a request is asking; a
command is telling.

 As with commands, you will get better results, if you
(Schaefer, 1994)…
o Stay close to the child, rather than making your request from
a distance.
o Make eye contact.
o Limit yourself to two requests, making the same request only
twice, and avoiding making different requests at the same
time.
o Turn down your voice volume, using a soft but firm voice.
o Use “start” requests rather than “stop” requests.
o Give a reasonable time for the child to comply to your request
(five to fifteen seconds).
o Make a clear, descriptive request using positive wording; for
example, “Please turn off the lights.”
o Reward compliance with a smile and a “Thank you.”

Give Choices to the Child
 Providing opportunities to make
choices is highly effective in
increasing positive behavior and
compliance in children. Try to give the
child some freedom of choice; for
example, “Either play quietly or go
upstairs to play.” According to
Schaefer (1994), giving choices
increases children’s independence
and decision-making skills.

Use Forced Choices
 To make sure that the child does the behavior we want, we
can limit the choices given to only two. We call this technique
forced choices or double binds, because, regardless of what
the child chooses to do, she is still complying with the
behavior that we want. An example of a forced choice is, “You
have two choices: either go to bed right now so that I can
read you a story, or you go to bed immediately after the TV
show.”
 Increase compliance to your favorite option by making it
easier for the child to choose the option that you like best,
while making it harder to select the less attractive choice.
Similarly, make your preferred choice a more attractive and
desirable option for the child. In the example, the parent
raised the desirability of going to bed “right now” by including
in this choice an activity that is valuable to the child: reading
her a story.
 When there are more than two choices available, offer the
option you want the child to take first or last, never in-
between other choices.

 Some types of forced choices are…
o Revealing choices; for example, “Do you want milk or
orange juice with your lunch…and salad… carrots only
or with green peas…? What fruit do you want, pear or
apple?”
o Hierarchical choices; for example, “Do you want the
bigger ball or the smaller one?” “How many pages are
you going to read before the break, five or ten?”
o The contrasting choice. With this choice, you offer first
something that has very little chance for the child to
choose, making it sound as something inevitable.
Then, you follow with the real alternative; for example,
“You can go to bed right now… or you can pick up
your toys.”

 We can increase compliance to forced
choices by helping the child feel that what
she is doing is her own idea. You might
say, “What would you rather do, wash the
dishes or take out the garbage?” In the
classroom, the teacher can ask something
like, “When do you prefer to finish the
math problems, after silent reading or after
lunch?”

Ask Leading Questions
 Just presenting our main point in the form of a
question, rather than as a declarative statement,
is extremely influential. Each time we deliver the
leading information in the form of a question, we
avoid overwhelming and forcing the child,
sending the message that it is the child’s decision
to make.
 We can enhance the persuasive power of
questions by asking carefully crafted questions
that influence the child in thinking in a particular
way. Leading questions include either the answer
or point we are trying to make, and they send the
child in the direction that we want. When we ask
leading questions, we eliminate all unwanted
alternatives, moving the child in the direction of a
specific alternative.

 Some examples of leading questions…
o Questions that make an assumption; for example,
asking, “How much your reading grade will go up
this year?” assumes that the reading grade will go
up this year. You are forcing the child into thinking
first and foremost about the reading grade going
up.
o Questions that link something that happened
earlier, and it is still in the child’s mind, with what
you are suggesting now. For example, “I was really
disappointed when we yelled. How do you feel
about talking quietly?”
o Questions that remind the child of previous
agreement; for example, “I’m glad that we agreed
to talk about this situation. Can we also agree
about talking quietly?”
o Questions that give two options, making one option
more desirable; for example, “Do you prefer

o Questions that link the past with the future (cause and effect),
e.g., “If you go to bed late, what will happen in your math test
tomorrow?”
o Questions that lead the child into thinking of consequences or
implications, e.g., “If you keep getting into trouble each time
you hang out with Eric, then what you think will happen the
next time the two of you hang out? What happened the last
time?”
o Questions that lead the child to agree with you. You can
accomplish this by saying only what you want the child to
consider, without mentioning other possibilities; for example,
“Do you agree that we need to discuss this issue?” and “Is it
true that you are feeling more relaxed now that we talked?”
o Questions that lead the child into doing something for you.
For example, “Can you help me move these boxes to the
garage?”

o Questions that lead the child to alternative behaviors,
e.g., “Would you be willing to consider_____?” “Do
you mind doing _____ instead?” or “Would you prefer
doing something else?”
o Questions designed to dissuade the child not to do
something. The trick here is making the child think that
you are accepting the negative behavior, and then
redirecting the child to an alternative behavior. For
example, “I understand you might not want to stop
hanging out with Eric, but will you?”
o Questions that prevent, or get the child not to do the
behavior. Do this by refocusing the child from the
negative behavior to a positive alternative. For
example, “Who else do you want to hang out with?”

Manipulate the Size of the Request to Make it Look
Smaller or Bigger
 You have two ways of doing this:
o Breaking down your persuading (from smaller to
bigger). Smaller requests are easier to
understand and to comply. With this technique,
we move the child to make a larger commitment
by asking for a smaller commitment first, e.g.,
asking the child to read only five pages of the
book, and after he complies, asking him to finish
reading the book.
 A variation of this technique is asking for
something small first, and when the child
complies, we ask for something bigger, and
finally something even bigger. For example, read
five pages, then read the next ten pages, and
finally, finish reading the book.

Or…
o Making the bigger request first (from bigger to
smaller). This technique is the opposite of
breaking down our persuading. Here, we make
the biggest request first, something that the child
may find excessive and will likely refuse, and
when the child refuses, we ask for something
that requires less effort and feels more
reasonable to the child; in other words, we get a
“no” first so that we can get a “yes” last.
 For example, first, you ask the child to read the
whole book, and then you reduce the request to
reading only ten pages. This technique uses the
contrast principle; by contrast, the second
request seems smaller and easier to agree with
when compared with the initial request.

Trivialize the Directive
 Make your directive sound as something
smaller, easier, and/or less important
than it really is. You can trivialize time,
procedures or ideas.
Some examples
o It won’t take you very long (time).
o There are harder ways of doing this
(procedure).
o It is simply (procedure) a good thing
(values) to do.

Buttering Up
 Schaefer (1994) describes this
technique as doing the child a favor in
order to make him feel obligated to
return the favor later on; that is, we
reward the child in one area before
expecting compliance in another area.
For example, excusing the child from
doing one of his daily chores, and then
saying that in return you want him to
study one hour longer.

Use Pauses
 We can add a pause before or after the
key message, suggestion, or command
in a sentence or a paragraph to enhance
the persuasive power of the message. A
pause before a key point increases
tension and adds emphasis (e.g. “Would
you please… sit down”). A pause after
the key point lets the key point sink in
(e.g. “Please put the toy on my desk…
before lining up”).
 Pausing after giving the child a
suggestion or a command helps the
suggestion or command sink in the
child’s mind.

Drop the Pitch
 A common mistake when giving a
hidden command is to try to deliver it
using a commanding and/or an
authoritative tone of voice. On the
contrary, to make your hidden
command even more effective, drop
the pitch. For example, you would say,
“Could you please (regular voice)… sit
here (lower voice)?” This strategy
works well with all kinds of directives,
hidden or direct.

Change the Pitch
 In the same sentence, we can make
the pitch go up and down several
times to emphasize key words that
together create a hidden command.
For example, saying, “Frankie, you
need to believe that you can study
harder so that you can raise your
grades.” The words in italics are the
emphasized low-pitched words that
combine in one key message.

Put Your Child in a “Yes” Mood
 Begin the conversation with simple
questions that generate a “yes”
answer (for example, “It feels warm in
this room, isn’t it?”), and/or comments
that put your child in agreement with
you; example, “Wow, that movie was
long!” Once you get your child saying
“yes” to you, it will be easier to get him
or her to continue agreeing.

Deliver a Two-Side Message
 Acknowledge your child’s objection
before he does, and even better, answer
it.
For example
o One-Side Message: You need to be in
bed by 9:00.
o Two-Side Message: You need to be in
bed by 9:00. Yes, I agree that it feels like
an unfair rule, but you’ll feel rested and
alert tomorrow during your science test.
(Putting yourself and your child in
agreement, a prerequisite for
persuading.)

Praise Your Child and then Give the
Directive
Pair your hidden command with
praise; for example:
o Look at you, trying so hard (praise)!
You will feel more confident (hidden
command) once you practice.
o I admire your strong character
(praise). I know you will take this
setback, learn from it, and eventually
overcome it (hidden commands).

Use Little Words to Create a Big
Message
 Create a “little words—big message
effect” taking full advantage of the power
of “soon” (e.g. “Maybe you feel that you
cannot do it today, but soon you will feel
that you can do it”) and “yet” (e.g. “I
know you believe that you cannot do
it…yet”). With words like these, you are
reinforcing the positive expectation that
what you are asking your child to do is
within her reach, and that it is only a
matter of time until she succeeds
(temporal language).

Create Powerful Metamessages
 Metamessages (a message within the message) help in
creating a more optimistic and encouraging statement.
Here are some examples in how to deal with Lucy’s
frustrations with fractions:
o You don’t know how to do fractions… yet.
(Presupposition: You are going to learn to do fractions.)
o You are having difficulty handling fractions, for now.
(Presupposition: Your problem with fractions is
temporary.)
o At the moment, you are having difficulty with fractions.
(Presupposition: Your problem with fractions is
temporary.)
o You feel confused right now about doing fractions.
(Presupposition: Later, you are not going to feel
confused.)
o Fractions get easier as you go along. (Presupposition:
With more practice, you will improve your performance.)

As you may notice, all words and phrases
in italics share one thing in common: they
all speak the language of change by
talking about the situation or problem as
temporal or limited by time. With temporal
words and temporal phrases we
presuppose that something can change
and will change; it is just a matter of when
it will change.

 More temporal
words and phrases
that we can use
are:
 Soon
 Someday
 Shortly
 Sooner or later
 In the future
 In a near future
 As time goes away
 In a few weeks

Use “Stop”
 Use “stop” followed by a hidden
command (in italics) as a way of
closing down your child’s current
thinking, and opening her mind to a
new thought or a new belief.
Some examples
o Stop and… picture what it could be
like to…
o Stop and… imagine… you can do it…
o If you want to stop and… say to
yourself…

Combine a Negation with a Hidden Command
 You can design a powerful persuasive message by just
combining a negation with the hidden command. You both
distract and confuse the child’s mind with your negation while
the hidden command slips unnoticed into the mind. From
Mahony (2003), we get the following examples (the hidden
commands are in italics):
o Can’t you… see yourself doing it, can’t you?
o Why don’t you… face me now… while you…
o I wouldn’t want you to… just forget your anger for now…
because what I want is…
o Couldn’t you… imagine yourself doing it…?
o Don’t forget that it may be difficult… and then… have another
go...
o It is not likely that just by listening to me, you won’t change
the way you behave right now…
o I’m sure you couldn’t… imagine you could… that the problem
will just disappear… when you…

Be in Command of Your Body Language
 Monitor the nonverbal messages you
are sending to your child; avoid
making faces, rolling your eyes,
sighing, or making the kinds of
gestures that may hint frustration or
exasperation to your child.
 Use both your body language and
tone of voice to project calmness and
being in control, and, in case of a
conflict, to remind your child that the
two of you are allies working to
achieve a common goal.

Link an Old Belief with a New Belief
 If your child already believes and/or agrees with
something (the original belief) that you can link with a
second or a new belief, then your child will be more
receptive to the suggestion or hidden command
embedded in the new belief. You use what the child
agrees with and convince him that, because he accepts
the original belief, he is also accepting the new belief or
suggestion. Influencing is convincing the child that one
is happening because of the other.
 You can use connective words like so, because and
therefore to link the two beliefs as cause and effect, or
to create a cause and effect perception. For instance,
helping your child connect two beliefs such as (1) you
have a strong character (first belief; your child already
agrees with it) and (2) you are not going to give up (new
belief or your suggestion), saying, “Strong-willed people
like you don’t give up.” Similarly, “You are strong-willed
and do not give up easily, so you’re going to try hard
and do your best.”

Visualizing
 When you want the child to experience a
particular emotion, simply get her to recall a time
when she experienced that emotion. For
example, if you are trying for a sad child to feel
happy, or for an angry child to relax, get the child
to visualize (to see in her mind) a time when she
was happy (or relaxed). Positive images
(thoughts) of happier and/or calmer times help
bring on positive feelings of happiness and
relaxation. In turn, these positive feelings
(happiness or calmness) deflate the negative
feelings (sadness or anger), pushing negativity
out of the way.
 Imagining or picturing a different and more
positive feeling helps the child shift into the
emotional state that the mind is creating.

 To facilitate shifting into this happier and calmer state, tell
your child to remember a time when she experienced
happiness or calmness; for example, during story time or a
visit to the park. If the child has difficulty recalling, you can
suggest a time and describe the experience. Then ask your
child to tell what she is seeing in her mind and what happens
next. Keep expanding the child’s description to make the
visualization more vivid. When your child recalls the happy or
calm memory, the sensations associated with the memory act
like suggestions that shift the child to a new mental state. The
memory evokes the images, and the images evoke the new
feeling; in other words, imagining how happy or calm she was
then, makes her feel happier or calmer now. To strengthen
this visualization, pause between images to give your child
time to see the movie in her mind. When you pause, take
notice and mention to the child the physical signs (facial
expression and body language) that signal that your child is
moving into the new state.

Wondering
 Wonder aloud about things you want the
child to do, to believe, or to achieve.
Wonder if the child can do it. Wonder
about what might have happened or will
happen. Wonder about the benefits for
the child of doing it. Wonder if the child is
already feeling _____ (e.g. calmed and
relaxed). Say things like, “I wonder what
will happen when you let go of that
_____ (e.g. angry or self-defeating
thought).”

The Physical Thought
 Without your child even realizing it, his body language
always reveals how he is thinking and feeling about
particular events; for instance, a restless body behavior
suggests more agitated thoughts and feelings. In
persuasive communication, this body behavior is known
as physical thought. By just paying close attention to
your child’s body behavior you can perceive the exact
moment when his body language starts to shift; for
example, from an agitated state to a calmer state (e.g.
breathing deepens, talks slower, voice volume goes
down). Is at this precise moment when you start
describing what you’re seeing, connecting your child’s
calmer body language with calmer thoughts and
feelings; for example, “I see you breathing deeper and
talking slower which tells me that you’re getting ready to
listen.”

Alternatively…
 Tell your child to notice his new body behavior (e.g. “Notice
how you’re breathing deeper, you are using nicer language
and you sound calmer…”). Physical thoughts have great
influential value when we make children believe that we made
it happen; more specifically, making the child believe that he
is having nicer thoughts and is feeling calmer because he is
both paying attention to the message and is complying with
our requests.
 Timing is everything with this powerful persuasive technique.
When you notice your child’s body language shifting, even
slightly, you can impress him by “predicting” that positive
changes in feelings and behavior are coming. For example,
saying, “I know that telling me about what is bothering you (“I
made it happen”) is helping you let go of your anger (hidden
command). I see you breathing deeper (describing), and you
seem relaxed (describing). Did you notice that you are using
calmer words (noticing)? You are getting closer (predicting) to
think more carefully (hidden command) about how to solve
this problem.”

Recapitulating…
The influential power of a physical
thought lies in linking children’s calmer
body language with a persuasive
message of positive feelings and
behavior.

Use Odd Numbers
 This is also known as the pique technique.
When we include an odd number as part of
the request, we are making an unusual
request that leads to confusion and even
wonder of why we are asking for something
so peculiar. This extra second of confusion
and wonder is what adds persuasive power
to the request. For example, “Can you spare
19 cents?” rather than asking for a quarter.
With children; for example, tell the child that
her toys must be on the shelves at exactly 13
minutes after 2:00, or that you want the lights
off and the child in bed exactly at 9:27. Your
child puts all her attention in the odd time,
which distracts her from refusing.

Associate Change with Something Your Child Wants
 To be able to influence behavior, it is important
that we point out a positive aspect of the new
behavior from the child’s point of view or
perspective, not from the parent’s perspective.
That is, you link and associate the positive or
new behavior with something valuable to your
child.
 Alternatively, you can create a need by
highlighting or making it obvious what is it that
your child wants. For instance, you know that
Benjamin wants to be well-liked by his peers;
that’s Benjamin’s emotional need. With great
enthusiasm and positive anticipation, you
connect your child with the feelings of pride that
he is about to experience once his peers start
noticing how mature and smart he is currently
acting.

In other words…
You are making explicitly apparent to
Benjamin those things that he truly
cares for, and how his improved
behavior is going to help him get what
he wants or needs. This way, you are
increasing both the value and the
probability of changing behavior by
connecting change with those things
that matter to children the most.

Examples
 (The hidden commands are in italics)
o I know you are going to have fun doing this.
o That looks like the smart thing to do.
o You like reading about asteroids; this book looks
interesting. Maybe you’re wondering what this book is
about.
o If you keep hitting other children, nobody will want to
play with you. Without any friends, you’re going to feel
lonely.
o When you no longer hit other children, everybody will
want to be your friend. Then you can show them what a
fun person you are.
o You value your friendship with Devon, so I know that
you want to settle this issue with your best friend.

Link More
 Link something you want with something the
child wants; for example, “When you _____
(what you want) then you will get _____ (or this
will happen) (what the child wants).”
 Link negative behavior with a consequence that
the child does not want, e.g., “If you two keep
talking, you will have less computer time.”
 Link a low probability behavior with a strong
probability behavior, making it clear that the path
to the strong probability behavior is by complying
with the low probability behavior (e.g. “After you
finish the division problems, you can eat a
snack”).
 Persuasive linking shows the child the path to
what he wants, as well as which route to avoid.

Use Repetition
 Used wisely, repetition has a strong
persuasive value. We can repeat key
words or key phrases in our message.
We can use the same words or the same
phrases throughout the message, or we
can use different words and phrases;
what matters is that the key words or
phrases carry one same meaning. There
are three basic repetition techniques; the
third one, the hammer, requires a more
advanced level of language
sophistication than the first two
techniques.

Repetition Technique 1
The Triple
 This technique will help us emphasize the key
message. The triple can be three single words, three
phrases, or three complete sentences, but it must be
three items that are related and that fit together to make
an impact. The triple can be as simple as repeating the
same item three times (e.g. the word “continue” or any
other key word repeated three times), or as
sophisticated as connecting three key themes. For
example, saying something like, “And now that you are
calmer, you feel ready to pay attention to my words,
think carefully about what happened, and tell me what
other option you have to settle this problem.” In this
example, each key message in the triple is also a
hidden command.
 We can also connect three items in a sequence or three
steps to reach a goal. To further connect the triple, we
can change our vocal tone (rising or reducing pitch)
when we mention each key item or step.

The Jackhammer
 This second repetition technique is
mainly for use during an emergency to
freeze and stop a risky behavior. With
this technique, we repeat a single
word or a short phrase three times
and quickly. Steadily, we increase the
volume of our voice; for example, “no!
No! NO! DON’T HIT HIM! NO! NO!!
NO!!!”

The Hammer
 The third repetition technique will help us emphasize a
key theme across a number of phrases and sentences.
In the following example, the teacher gives directions to
the class; pay attention to the message emphasized,
“You will do the reading.” With the right intonation, the
phrases underlined turn into hidden commands.
o You are going to read the first two chapters of your
novel. You are expected to finish your reading in forty-
five minutes or less. When you find a word that is hard
to pronounce, or if you need the meaning of a new
word, ask your reading partner for help; partners help
partners stay focused and engaged. You must do the
reading as silently as you can, so that we do not
interrupt other readers, and remember to summarize
the two chapters in your reading log.

Use Power Sentences
 When we use power sentences, we become
more persuasive. Power sentences include at
least one of the following…
 Power sentences are short to make your
point with a punch. You can use a phrase, or
even a single word, as your whole sentence;
for example, “Start now” or “Quiet.” With a
short sentence, the child gets the whole
meaning of the communication in one-step. A
longer sentence blends in with the
background noise and the child may miss the
key message. A short sentence is easy to
say, easy to remember, and easy to
understand; three key elements in persuasive
discipline.

And/or…
 Power sentences use modal verbs, e.g., can,
may, could, should, and must. We use modal
verbs to make something more or less
important, depending on what we want to
emphasize in the message.
Examples of power sentences using modal
verbs are:
o To find the meaning of your new vocabulary
words, you can work with your reading
partner.
o Here, you could fold these sheets.
o If you want to finish faster, you should help
each other.
o You must clean this room in one hour.

 To create interest, divide the power sentence
into two parts, e.g., “Today we are going to
do… (speech pause)… something really
interesting!” A divided sentence grabs
children’s attention because they want to
know how the sentence is going to end
(Nitsche, 2006).
 To maximize persuasive power, put the main
impact at the end of the sentence (final
impact); for example, “You can go to the
math center… now.”

Use Power Paragraphs
 A power paragraph includes some or all of the following elements:
 Few sentences. In a power paragraph, do not use too many
sentences; about three or four sentences are enough.
 Short sentences. Use a short sentence at the start of the paragraph
to grab the child’s attention, and another short sentence at the end
of the paragraph to summarize and identify the end of the message.
Additionally, use short sentences to summarize after a long
description or an explanation.
 Sensory language and pictorial descriptions. When we paint
pictures, sounds, and sensations with our words, we gain immediate
attention and greater understanding, which by itself enhances the
persuasive power of our message. Using sensory language triggers
the child’s senses, rather than having the child interpret the
message cognitively (by analysis). In addition, once we use a
pictorial description, we can create a solution using another picture,
e.g., a brick wall (problem) can be scaled by a ladder (solution)
(Mahony, 2003). A well-developed sensory message helps the child
use all three main sensory modalities: (1) the visual modality by
picturing the situation, (2) the auditory modality by talking about what
is happening, and (3) the kinesthetic or tactile modality by stating
how one is feeling.

 Power words. For a greater impact, carefully place one or two power
words in the message.
 Kinds of power words are:
o Identity or belonging words: you, we, all, our, friends, team,
everybody, joined, together
o Words that create interest and motivate: love, favorite, interested or
interesting, like, curious, discover, enjoy, fantastic, useful, good,
challenge, important, wish, puzzling, engaging
o Agreement words: yes, agree, consider, fair, settled, willing,
compromise
o Words that regulate behavior: now, easy, quick, fast, simple, soon,
brief or briefly
o Words that inspire confidence and trust: right, good, sure, certain,
secure, guaranteed, confident, positive, reliable, strong, strengthen
o Safety words: safe, protect, support, comfort, help

 Final impact. To maximize the persuasive
power of your paragraph or message, put
the main point at the end; for example, “To
solve the word problems you need to do
_____ and _____.”

Use Hidden Commands
 With this technique, we hide the command within the longer
sentence; the other words in the sentence distract the child
away from any resistance to the command. We emphasize
our hidden command by changing the tone of our voice, more
specifically, changing pitch when indicating the action (verb)
that we want.
 Types of hidden commands would be:
o The “I wonder” command; for example, “I wonder if you could
organize your closet in 45 minutes.”
o The doubt command. With this command, we sound
uncertain that the child is able or willing to perform the action;
for example, “Can you reach that top shelf? Great! Could you
help me put these boxes away?”
o The assumption command; here, we act and talk as if the
child is going to obey the command. For example, “After you
organize your closet, do you want a glass of milk?” “Here,
empty these grocery bags and I will start fixing the dinner”;
“Which end of these sheets will you fold?” “How many pages
are you going to read before lunch?”

Use Suggestions
 We make a suggestion when we guide the child to
consider an idea or thought; for example, “You might
want to consider this…” or “Maybe if you try it this
way…” Schaefer (1994) identifies two main types of
suggestions:
1. Indirect suggestion; for example, “From what I hear,
you feel that the best way to settle this is to let Cindy
know that she needs to ask you before she borrows
your markers.” An indirect suggestion simply
strengthens an idea that is already present in the
child’s mind.
2. Positive suggestion is the act of attributing to the child
a positive quality even when there is only minimal
evidence that the child actually has the attribute or
quality. We inspire the child to behave in a positive
way by suggesting that he is already behaving that
way to some degree.

Some examples…
o You seem much stronger than you have
ever been, so I anticipate that you are
going to be very brave.
o Devon and you are best friends, so I get
the feeling that you want to settle this
issue with him.
o At heart, you are really an orderly child.
You would like to keep your things neat
and orderly so that you can find them.
o You do not give up easily; I can see you
trying hard and doing your best.

 Positive suggestions work best when the quality that we attribute to
the child is not too discrepant from the child’s character and ability;
in other words, the child is able to perform the behavior or skill that
we are attributing to her. In the following example, the teacher is
using positive suggestions coupled with hidden commands to
reduce the tantrum behavior in a kindergartener:
o You are really getting bigger and bigger, and smarter and smarter
every day. Soon you will be so very big that the tantrums will go
away. Maybe it will be next week; perhaps you will be so big by
tomorrow, or maybe the next day, that, when another child bothers
you, you will say to yourself, ‘No, I won’t get mad. I’m not going to
have a tantrum today because I’m a big girl now.’ You just stay calm.
Big girls do not have tantrums. That is just what little kids do. You
say to yourself, ‘I’m going to be a big girl,’ and you stay out of
trouble. Yes sweetheart, you are getting big and smart, and soon the
tantrums will disappear… the tantrums will go away… they will just
go away…

Create Forced Cognitions
 The persuasive speech act is the process of leading or
directing children to move in the direction that we want; in
other words, when we suggest something, we encourage
children into accepting what we are proposing. To lead your
child in thinking about what you want her to think, you can
use a forced cognition, more specifically, you mention
something and by just the mention of it your child will think
about it. For example, to influence your child in feeling calmer
and more relaxed, you plant in her mind the idea that she
already seems calmer, commenting casually about her more
relaxed attitude and demeanor. Or you can talk about the
feeling of relaxation in general without giving the child any
specific directives, and, in thinking about relaxation, your child
relaxes.
 A more direct approach is to guide your child in recalling a
moment in time when she was feeling happier, optimistic,
and/or at ease which can be enough in influencing the child in
feeling the same way (due to a thoughts-feelings alignment).

Noticing
 Noticing, a kind of forced cognition is one of the most popular
techniques in persuasive communication. The concept is
simple, yet powerful, when we ask children to notice
something, they notice (it happens with adults too). By
suggesting to a child to notice an event happening, the child
presupposes that the event has happened. The child focuses
on noticing the event without questioning the veracity of our
assumption. As a result, if the child has not noticed, she will
make it happen in her mind in order to notice.
 The following relaxation exercise for children is based
exclusively on noticing: “You may notice how your breathing
is getting slower and deeper… and perhaps you are noticing
that your arms and legs are feeling heavier as your body
relaxes… notice how every time you breathe out, you let go
of the anger, feeling calmer and calmer…” You may link
events that are happening around with what you want to
happen; for example, “as you hear a dog barking, you notice
how distant it sounds as you concentrate on my voice and
you relax.” The phrases in italics are the hidden commands.

Describe, Describe, Describe!
 Show concern for your child and interest in the
situation or problem. Avoid opening any
interaction with either hostility or antagonism
(e.g. “Stop this silliness right now!”); start with a
supportive message instead. A sentence stem
that you can use here is, “I’m concerned
about…”
 You can also show concern and interest by being
descriptive (i.e. observations of behavior) rather
than evaluative (i.e. judgments or negative
criticism); also by being provisional and
temporary (e.g. “What happened to you in school
at lunchtime? I was told that you had difficulty
complying with the lunchroom rules”) rather than
certain and conclusive (e.g. “Here you go again!
You had to make a mess in the lunchroom!”)

To develop a descriptive message,
follow these guidelines…
 Describe what happened (e.g. “I received a report that you
had difficulty staying seated during lunch”).
 Describe how you feel (e.g. “It disappoints me when I hear
that you didn’t follow the lunchroom rules. I feel that I was not
clear enough when we discussed expectations for your
behavior, and consequences for not following accordingly.”)
 Explain how this relates to the child (e.g. “You seem to be
having some difficulty complying with rules in the lunchroom.
We are going to review the rules once more, and because
this is your third warning in the same week the consequence
for noncompliance will be enforced.”)
 Avoid negative evaluative terms (e.g. “Because of your silly
and irresponsible behavior, you just lost all of your behavior
points this week!”)
 Avoid lecturing (e.g. “You need to memorize the lunchroom
rules once and for all; maybe that way, you will learn to stay
out of trouble”). (Adapted from Brougher on DeVito, 2001, p.
141.)

On the third guideline, in addition to
using tentative language (“You
seem”), you are also reducing both the
frequency (“some difficulty”) and the
intensity (“some difficulty”) of the
behavior. Also, you are using the three
warnings, then penalty rule.

Creating Rapport
 The more a child trusts us, the more he will be willing to
listen to what we have to say. As a stranger, our
influence is limited, but as a trusted person, who knows
how much more we can accomplish. Our persuasion is
a lot easier when the child trusts and likes us.
 Gaining and maintaining rapport is the ability to elicit
responses in the child. Like dancing partners, people in
rapport mirror and match each other in posture and
gesture (complementary body language).
 The key to rapport is to adopt an overall state (mood
and attitude) that is similar to the child’s mood and
attitude. By gently imitating key behaviors and similar
body movements; that is, by finding ways to be alike,
we can easily establish rapport with a troubled, angry,
or noncompliant child (Vaknin, 2008; O’Connor and
Seymour, 2002).

Some behaviors we can imitate are…
 Matching breathing (rate and depth) to breathe in unison
 Mirroring gestures like hand and foot movements
 Matching voice (blending and harmonizing), i.e., speed, volume, or
rhythm
 Mirroring the general style of movement; for example, how fast, how
much gesturing, and how open or closed (e.g. arms and/or legs
crossed)
 Matching the head tilt
 Mirroring the child’s posture, e.g., leaning forward, straight up, or
leaning back
 Adopting the same basic stance or sitting position; for example,
resting on the same arm (your right to the child’s left) to get a similar
alignment and the same distribution of body weight
 Exchange matches; that is, we use a different body part, but we
match the rhythm; for example, making a motion such as finger
tapping to match the rhythm of the child’s breathing. We can match
the child’s breathing pattern by moving a leg or a hand up and down
accordingly. Alternatively, we can match arm movements with hand
movements, and body movements with head movements

Use Mirroring with Exchanged Matching
 With mirroring and exchanged matching, we are creating rapport, which is at
the heart of influencing and persuading children. By gently mirroring and
matching certain key behaviors, we are producing an emotional state similar
to the child’s emotional state, significantly increasing our chances to elicit
responses; that is, to persuade the child.
A. Mirroring is the process of copying the child’s body language (facial
expression, gestures, breathing, posture, or movement) and voice
(sounds, speed, volume, or rhythm). We can execute our mirroring exactly
at the same time or slightly delayed, but doing it in such a way that we do
not give the appearance of mimicking the child. This is why it is
recommended that we mirror only some key movements and at selected
times; for example, if the child crosses his arms, we do the same; if the
child frowns, we frown; if the child talks fast, we talk fast.
B. Exchanged matching is a form of mirroring. With this neuro-linguistic
technique, we synchronize body language and/or voice without directly
copying the child. For example, if the child crosses his arms, we cross our
legs; if the child scratches his head, we rub one arm; if the child coughs,
we clear our throat; if the child talks fast, we move fast; if the child is
fidgety, we sway our body. We can also use a different body part to match
rhythm; for example, we can match a fast breathing pattern by moving one
leg accordingly.

Persuasion Technique 43: Use Matched
Vocabulary or Matched Speech
 According to Mahony (2003), we increase rapport and
mutual understanding when we use the child’s preferred
representational system or language predicates (visual,
auditory, and kinesthetic or tactile). In simpler words, we
increase rapport when we “speak the child’s language.”
 Predicates are sensory-based words and phrases; that
is, predicates are messages that directly link to our
senses and emotions, not to our brain (reason and
analysis).
 We are often unaware that the words and sentences we
use are biased toward one preferred sensory
representational system, and that we can communicate
better with children by simply speaking to them using
their own (not ours!) preferred sensory vocabulary.
From Mahony (2003) and O’Connor and Seymour
(2002) we adapted the following examples of sensory-
based vocabulary…

Examples of sensory-based
vocabulary
Visual Auditory
 I see what you mean
 It is clear as a day to me
 It appears to me
 In my mind’s eye
 In view of your actions or
behavior
 The future looks bright
 Take a look at yourself
 Get this clear
 I am looking closely at this idea
 Watch your language!
 Watch my lips
 Let me draw you a picture
 Turn a deaf ear
 Rings a bell
 Pay attention to what I am
saying
 You just don’t listen
 Do I have to spell it out for
you?
 Music to my ears
 I hear you loud and clear
 To tell you the truth
 In other words
 Are we on the same
wavelength?
 Let me put it another way
 State your case

Kinesthetic
 It feels to me that…
 You are a pain in the neck
 I feel it in my bones
 Don’t push your luck
 Hang in there!
 Hold on a second
 Haven’t you grasped it yet?
 Going to pieces
 It feels all wrong
 Let’s move slowly
 I can’t put my finger on it

An example of mismatched speech is:
Child: I can see it in my mind. I know
I’m going to fail the spelling test (visual
predicate).
Parent: Hold on a second (kinesthetic
predicate). You studied hard
(kinesthetic) and you know those
spelling words.

Examples of matched speech are:
Child: I just can’t grasp what I have to do
with this graph (kinesthetic predicate).
Teacher: Oh, what do you feel is the
problem (kinesthetic predicate)?
(Mahony, 2003)
Child: I’ll curse if I feel like it (kinesthetic
predicate)!
Counselor: Don’t push your luck.
Cursing stops at this very moment
(kinesthetic predicates).

Pace and Lead
 From the neuro-linguistic literature, we get the pacing and
leading technique (Vaknin, 2008; Nitsche, 2006; O’Connor
and Seymour, 2002). This technique consists of four steps:
mirroring or matching the child’s posture, gestures, word
choice, voice, or breathing. We mirror the child to establish
rapport, which is the second step. The third step is pacing;
that is, moving along with the child for a while and at the
same speed before we try the fourth and last step, leading,
where we lead the child into the mental and/or the emotional
state that we want, so that the child is receptive to our
persuading and we are better able to help.
 More specifically, in the pacing step, we bond with the child
and cement rapport through mirroring; in the leading step, we
shift our physiology and attitude so that the child shifts her
physiology and attitude.
 Leading is not going to work without well-established rapport,
so we need to take our time bridging and bonding at the
pacing level before attempting to lead the child.

In pacing and leading…
 First, we mirror selected gestures and
key behavior to match how the child is
feeling. Then, we gradually change the
mirrored behavior (e.g. breath pace and
body language) to a more positive and
resourceful state, moving the child into
this new state.
On the next slide, we give three
examples of how to shift an angry and
agitated child into a more positive and
calmer state using the pacing and

Examples
1. Synchronize your rate of breathing to become faster and then
gradually slow it down, so that the child’s breathing becomes
deeper and slower, a physiology aligned with calmness.
2. Mirror the child by frowning, crossing your arms, leaning
backwards, and keeping your palms closed (closed body posture).
Gradually, shift to an open and inviting posture; that is, relax your
face, unfold your arms, lean forward, open your palms, and move
closer to the child. In other words, with your own body language,
gradually shift the child from a closed body posture to an open
body posture.
3. Do a mood matching (Mahony, 2003), matching the energy the
child puts into his anger. The author recommends that, at the
beginning of this procedure, you display your “energy level” as high
as the child’s energy level, but not higher. However, you display
your energy as a positive emotion such as high concern or high
interest. Then, lead the child toward a calmer state by
progressively shifting your energy level downwards; for example,
displaying a quieter tone of voice and showing smaller and slower
body movements.

The Voice Regulation Technique
 From Nitsche (2006) we get the voice
regulation technique. Most of the time,
parents and teachers feel obligated to
talk more, faster, and louder to get
children listen, and to get children do
what we want them to do. However, we
can get compliance faster, and with less
stress (without yelling) by simply
regulating or manipulating our voice
volume; more specifically, by reducing
our voice volume and talking slower.

For instance, to quiet a loud, angry child,
follow these steps…
A. Step One: Your first words need to be louder
than the child’s words. This creates a surprise
element, and the child will become still.
B. Step Two: “Speech pause.” By pausing and
being silent, we show the child what we expect
from her.
C. Step Three: Start whispering. This causes the
child to become more attentive and to listen
more closely.
D. Step Four: Continue speaking and move from
whispering to using your regular voice.
 With the voice regulation technique, we use very
few words, and we show the child the behavior
that we want from her (the show, do not tell
approach).

Use Discipline Anchors
 An anchor is a stimulus that always elicits the same reaction.
The reaction can be either an action (can be observed), or it
can take the form of a change in a mental (attitude) or an
emotional (feeling) state. An anchor can be anything we want;
for example, a freeze posture, holding up one arm and saying
“stop,” pointing at one ear to signal the child to listen,
counting down from five to one, putting on a green hat to
signal story time, or clapping. When we repeatedly and
systematically give the same signal connected to an event,
concept, or idea, the signal and the event become connected
or anchored with one another. The anchor creates a state of
positive expectation (e.g. putting on a green hat creates the
expectation “It’s story time!”), resulting in a change of inner
state; for example, from restless to attentive. Anchors then
are reflexes; that is, automatic reactions that we create
without using words or using very few words; and the more
we use a particular anchor, the faster children respond to that
anchor (Nitsche, 2006).
 We know that we created an effective anchor when we see
children responding the way we want without us using words.

Understanding Our Role
 It is imperative that as parents or teachers, we develop
awareness of our role in reinforcing and in maintaining
a strained and/or an antagonistic adult-child interaction.
 We can start by honestly answering these self-
evaluative questions:
o How am I responding to my child’s behavior?
o How do I interact with my child when she is angry? How
do I reinforce her angry feelings?
o Do I give attention to my child when she acts out, but
ignore her when she is calmed and behaving positively?
o How am I sustaining the way we relate? Do I mirror her
behavior so that we both end yelling at each other and
feeling angry?

Develop Insight
 Use your self-knowledge and information
gained from the previous questions —that is,
knowledge of your wants, needs, and your
expectations— to develop insight about your
child’s angry and/or antagonistic feelings.
The next set of questions for you to answer
is:
o What would I want if I were my child?
o What would I need if I were my child?
o What would I expect from others and from the
situation if I were my child?

Feelings First
 Be persuasive by connecting emotionally
(feelings) rather than rationally
(arguments). We are more likely to
convince children by appealing to their
emotions than by appealing to
reasoning.
Simply put, a message that carries the
promise of “feeling good” or “feeling
better” is way more persuasive to a child
than a message that tells the child that
she should do it because “is the right

Get a Commitment from Your Child
 Children are more likely to modify
behavior if they give their word and
commit themselves, so, after making
your request always close it by asking,
“Will you do it?”

Concluding Comments
 The language patterns or messages we use define us
and define the way we relate with children. Modifying
what we say and the way we say it can do wonders in
the way children behave. Self-confidence is key in
persuasive discipline; when we feel confident that we
can influence and persuade children, we project and
spread that confidence.
 When disciplining children, be certain in everything you
say and do. Talk with confidence and conviction; show
confidence in your actions too. Believe in your ability to
positively influence and to persuade. The persuasive
language patterns and ways of talking presented in this
child guidance guide not only influence children toward
positive behavior, but also help improving the overall
atmosphere between the child and the adult.
 Persuasive language is behavioral language; when we
command persuasive language, we promote positive
behavior.

References
1. DeVito, J.A. (2001). The interpersonal communication book, 9th Ed.
New York, NY: Addison Wesley Longman.
2. Mahony, T. (2003). Words work! How to change your language to
improve behaviour in your classroom. Carmarthen, Wales: Crown
House.
3. Nitsche, P. (2006). Talk less. Teach more! Nonverbal classroom
management. Group strategies that work. Butler, PA: Pearls of
Learning Press.
4. O’ Connor, J., & Seymour, J. (2002). Introducing NLP:
Psychological skills for understanding and influencing people.
Hammersmith, London: Harper Element.
5. Schaefer, C. E. (1994). How to influence children: A handbook of
practical child guidance skills. (Second Edition). Northvale, NJ:
Jason Aronson.
6. Shapiro, L. E. (1994). Tricks of the trade: 101 psychological
techniques to help children grow and change. King of Prussia, PA:
Center for Applied Psychology.
7. Vaknin, S. (2008). The big book of NLP techniques: 200+ patterns.
Methods and strategies of neuro linguistic programming:
www.booksurge.com
8. Walker, H. M., & Walker, J. E. (1991). Coping with noncompliance
in the classroom: A positive approach for teachers. Austin, Texas:

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