The document is a letter from "Heartbroken" seeking advice from Dr. Smith about coping with an impending breakup from a long-term partner. Dr. Smith's response summarizes research on relationship deterioration and provides suggestions for moving forward. Dr. Smith explains that relationships often fail when needs are not adequately met or the relationship lacks novelty. Additionally, feeling obligated to stay or relying on the relationship for self-worth can undermine it. Dr. Smith advises that the breakup may not be as devastating as feared, and recommends self-compassion to cope by acknowledging mistakes without harsh self-criticism. Giving advice to others can also boost self-compassion. With this mindset, one can grow from the

1. Understanding
Psychology:
Ask Dr. Smith
December, 2015
Date: 11/30/15
Dear Dr. Smith:
I am a 21 year-old college student trying to balance school and work
with my friends and my relationship. Until recently everything was okay, but
lately I’ve noticed that my partner seems more distant and we have become
argumentative, which is unlike either of us. At first, I thought we could just talk
through our problems and move forward, but my partner is not as responsive
to my needs or concerns as he used to be, and these conversations usually
leave both of us more exasperated than before. This is confusing to me
because I did not at all foresee these problems. I am very much in love and am
feeling extremely distraught because this relationship is an important part of
my life. I don’t know what I would do if I lost my partner of three years. How
can I get myself together enough to make a rational decision about ending this
relationship? How can I cope with the emotional toll without resorting to
moping around and bad decisions?
Sincerely,
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
Theme of the month: romantic
relationships
What might have gone wrong?
Maybe needs were not met.
Perhaps there were not enough
new activities involved. Possibly
reasons for staying were
problematic.
Content
What can you do to cope?
Remember that the breakup
may not be as bad as you think
it will be. Be kind to your-
self, and if this is hard, self-
affirmation and giving advice is
helpful. This will motivate you
to move forward.
3
5

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Are your needs
met by your
relationship?
found that relationships can go
wrong when one receives insufficient
responses from a partner to
expression of one’s needs. Aron,
Norman, Aron, McKenna, and
Heyman, around this time found that
relationships could also be hindered
by lack of novelty and progression, if
the relationship is stagnant (2000; as
cited in Knee, Hadden, Porter, &
Rodriguez, 2013). People in
unsuccessful relationships often feel
internalized pressure to stay in a
relationship and guilt about leaving,
or are feel obliged to satisfy an
expectation set forth by peers. When
one has unhealthy reasons for
remaining in a relationship, they
often experience what is called
relationship-contingent self-worth,
which increases both rejection
sensitivity and the difficulty of
rational decision-making, according
to Downey and Feldman (1996; as
cited in Knee et al., 2013). In order to
think clearly, one must first
understand that people tend to
overestimate how much breakups
will affect them. One way to
decrease the emotional impact of
separation from a partner is to be
compassionate toward oneself, which
allows one to realize their own role
in the breakup without becoming
overwhelmed by guilt (Leary, Tate,
Adams, Allen, & Hancock, 2007).
Research by Breines and Chen (2013)
suggests that one struggling to be
self-compassionate may find that
giving advice to peers leads to more
consideration for the self. More
research by Breines and Chen (2012)
shows that this positive outlook
leads one to be more motivated
toward self-improvement and
personal growth, which is the most
important part of moving on from a
breakup. In order to understand
what makes relationships deteriorate,
one must first know the basics of
attachment and self-expansion
theory. Attachment theory is rooted
in infant attachment styles to primary
caregivers, and romantic
relationships usually mirror these
early bonds. As Colins and Ford
(2010; as cited in Knee et al., 2013)
noted, attachment and caregiving
systems, universal to all humans,
ensure that needs are fulfilled. If you
are securely attached to your
partner, this means he or she
provides a secure base from which
struggle with estrangement from significant
others. I will help you understand what
may have caused your relationship to
crumble, why your potential breakup may
not be as catastrophic as you feel it might
be, and how you can take care of your
mental health as you prepare to move
forward. In order to explain reasons for
which your relationship might have taken
this turn, I will refer to the psychological
concepts of attachment security, self-
expansion and self-determination as they
relate to a relationship’s level of success. In
my rationale for ways in which you can
cope with a breakup and move on, I will
explain affective forecasting error and self-
compassion.
Two studies, one conducted by

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The first step to coping with a
breakup is realizing that people often
assume the separation will be more
catastrophic than it turns out to be,
which is called affective forecasting.
Eastwick, Finkel, Krishnamurti, &
Loewenstein (2008) noted that the
initial intensity bias leads one to
assume their reaction to an adverse
event will be worse than reality shows,
because they fail to consider other
aspects of life occurring simultaneously.
This involves what is called
interdependence theory, in which you
are more likely to show affective
forecasting if you perceive your
relationship to yield desirable outcomes
and assume significant losses without
this relationship. Attachment theory is
also a factor because it assumes that if
you have a strong bond with your
partner and do not want to be
separated, you are more likely to
needs and ultimately fails as a result (Knee et al., 2013). Aron and Aron
(1996; as cited in Knee et al., 2013) conducted research related to self-
expansion theory, which maintains that people’s motivation to grow and
expand their self-concept with interpersonal communication can be satisfied
by romantic relationships. However, this is only the case if the relationship in
questions involves novelty, usually in the form of new and challenging
activities partners do together. Sometimes, over the course of a relationship,
opportunities for novelty are limited. If you find yourself in a rut like this, you
may feel bored and apathetic about your partner, or vice versa. This does not
always lead to a breakup, but as the research of Aron et al. found (2000; as
cited in Knee et al., 2013), it may be a factor in relationship dissatisfaction.
Self-determination theory involves the degree to which one’s behavior
reflects one’s true self (Knee et al., 2013). The self-determined continuum of
motivation describes several different reasons people stay in relationships.
One option is being amotivated, which means you have no idea why you
stay with your partner. Another possibility is to be externally motivated,
where you might think you need to stay in the relationship to satisfy the
expectations of your peers. If you have an introjected motivation, you might
be pressuring yourself to stay with your partner, even if this is not what you
truly desire. You could also have an identified motivation to stay, if you value
your relationship as part of your identity and future. Finally, you might
experience intrinsic motivation to remain in your relationship if you feel like
the effort you have invested in your relationship elicits positive emotions
(Knee et al., 2013). Relationships tend to go awry when motivation does not
reflect the true self, especially when people have extrinsic or introjected
motivation. If you are feeling outside or internal pressure to be with
someone, you may also feel like your self-worth depends on how this
relationship plays out. This feeling is called relationship-contingent self-
worth, which Downey and Feldman (1996; as cited in Knee et al., 2013) have
found heightens sensitivity to your partner’s behavior, making you more
likely to perceive their reactions to you as rejection. This may cause you to
Consider your
reasons for
staying in this
relationship.
Is it enjoyment
or obligation?

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Be kind to yourself
in hard times and
you will thank
yourself for it later.
may not actually be as devastating as you
think it will. Consider that life goes on and
you will be dealing with responsibilities,
possibly spending time with friends and
focusing on school or work, which may
reduce the emotional pain by distracting or
by offering new opportunities.
The next step is engaging in self-
compassion. This means treating yourself
with understanding during hard times such
as your imminent breakup, and realizing
that imperfection is the human condition,
according to Neff (2003; as cited in Breines
& Chen, 2012). This will allow you to feel
more inner stability, so that you can take a
step back to look at your situation more
realistically. Leary et al. (2007) have
demonstrated three components of self-
compassion. The first is self-kindness, in
contrast to being self-critical. The second
aspect is common humanity, in which you
realize that making mistakes is a universal
experience, not one to stress or ruminate
over. The final element is mindful
acceptance, in which you acknowledge
your negative feelings instead of becoming
too wrapped up in them. Leary et al. (2007)
also found that people
low in self-compassion tend to be
unusually affected by their peers’
opinions and by adversity. This, they
discovered, leads those people to
catastrophize, or make situations
worse than they need to be. They also
personalize, drawing inferences that
the negative outcome must have come
about because of a flaw in their own
character. These people tend to
undervalue their actions and think
more poorly of themselves than their
peers do. Because you are trying to
avoid this conundrum, you want to
have high self-compassion. Leary et al.
(2007) have presented evidence on
how this is helpful. For instance, self-
compassion could buffer against the
negative emotions you feel crippled by
at the moment. It might also allow you
to keep your situation in perspective
so that after the separation happens,
you can feel as though you handled
this problem well. An important aspect
of perspective-taking that self-
compassion may also improve is your
realistic interpretation of your partner’s
reactions and behaviors toward you.
Even though you mentioned that his
actions are ambiguous, if you are
being self-compassionate, you will be
more likely to understand that the way
he acts is not necessarily resulting
lem without causing you to feel
overwhelmingly guilty or sorrowful. Even
if you are worried about your ability to
be self-compassionate because you
perceive your self-esteem to be low,
Leary et al. (2007) have shown that self-
compassion is still possible, because it is
largely independent of self-esteem. They
found that self-compassion is more
effective than self-esteem at helping
people handle situations in healthy
ways. It also is useful for regulating
emotions and reinforcing realistic self-
views without the use of defensiveness
or self-enhancement as ways to trick
oneself into feeling better. In short,
showing yourself compassion involves
acknowledging reality, something self-
esteem does not reliably do. If you are
feeling apprehensive about engaging in
self-compassion because you feel as
though it may be challenging, or you do
not consider yourself a compassionate
person, you should not despair. There
are several ways to induce temporary
self-compassion, which in turn increase
the chronic accessibility of this frame of
mind. You may choose to write
comforting statements that incorporate
maintaining an accurate perspective of
mistakes and acknowledging that
everyone slips up sometimes. Leary et
al. (2007) observed a subsequent

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advice and emotional support. This
activates what Breines and Chen
(2013) deemed the support-giving
schema, which in turn they found
leads one to expend more effort in
self-compassion. If you reach out to
your friends, you may feel as though
being kind to yourself is easier
afterward. This could help you feel
less anxious and depressed, which is
an important part of getting ready to
initiate positive changes in your life
(Breines & Chen, 2013).
With a self-compassionate
mindset, you can move on as a
happier person to grow and improve
(Breines & Chen, 2012). According to
Neff, Rude, and Kirkpatrick (2007; as
cited in Breines & Chen, 2012), self-
compassion is positively correlated
with happiness, optimism, and better
relationship functioning. Your current
self-compassion could therefore lead
to healthier and longer-lasting future
relationships. Additionally, Breines
and Chen (2012) have found that this
mindset motivates one to accept and
fix mistakes or lapses in moral
judgment. In other words, in this
state of mind, you will be less likely
to assume that your blunders deny
you the comforts of self-compassion.
Instead you may feel as though you
have the capacity to learn from your
transgressions in order to improve
yourself for the future. Self-
compassion also motivates one to
make upward social comparisons.
This means one is more inclined to
compare oneself to peers who are
perhaps in a more positive
psychological state (Breines & Chen,
2012). If you find yourself in this
position, you may also discover that
you feel more hopeful and inspired
throughout all of your life’s domains.
One of the most important aspects
of this mentality is adopting an
incremental mindset, which entails
viewing yourself as a work in
progress instead of a fixed set of
traits. Breines & Chen (2012) argue
that this allows one to perceive their
weaknesses as changeable, which
fuels one’s motivation to self-
improve. If you believe yourself
capable of progression, you will be
more likely to move on with your life
while making positive self-
improvements along the way. Your
relationship may have fizzled out
because you, your partner, or both of
you have been paying insufficient
attention to needs that were expressed
(Knee et al., 2013). Perhaps the
relationship has been lacking
opportunities for novel activities, and
your partner’s disengagement reflected
boredom (Knee et al., 2013). Another
reason might be that you or your
partner have been feeling either
internalized pressure or demands from
peers to maintain the relationship
instead of reasons that reflect
intentions and desires of the true self
(Knee et al., 2013). The first way to deal
with the dilemma you are facing is to
real-
Ize that you most likely think your
breakup will be worse than it actually
will be (Eastwick et al., 2008). With this
taken into account, you will hopefully
rest more easily knowing that your
future reaction to the separation may
not be as intense as you perceive it will
be. The next step to cope in a healthy
manner with this stressful life event is
to show yourself compassion by
acknowledging that adversity is a
universal experience. If you realize that
you have made mistakes that
contributed to the breakup, self-

6. The first step to moving
on is realizing that you
have the ability to
change.
with this extreme stressor in a
healthy way. Learning how to deal
with the curveballs life throws you
will allow you to build character.
Moving beyond adversity is a
significant way in which we grow and
improve ourselves.
Do you have a problem
and need help? Send a
letter to Dr. Smith.
953 Danby Road
Ithaca, NY 14850