Why are we going over this? Answer at the beginning. Why they want to know this? Have you ever felt like you where in a losing conversation? Like you could not get out of the box you talked yourself into? Like you could not talk logically about a topic or explain your point of view to someone? Have you ever been verbally attacked and weren’t sure how to respond?

1. The Gentle Art of
Verbal Self Defense
Working with Difficult People
And
Improving Communication Skills

2. Communication Skills
 Skill learned in this class are the same skills
and techniques used in different areas with
different goals

3. “The most important single
ingredient in the formula of
SUCCESS is the knack of getting
along with people.”
‘ Theodore Roosevelt

4. Scope
 Book: The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-
defense
 The audio book located on
O:libraryaudio books
 We are only going to cover a few topics
there are more in the book and from
other resources

5. Format of Presentation
 Present some concepts / ideas
 “Brainstorm” some real-life work
experiences from the audience
 Open discussion / questions

6. People who can be difficult to
communicate with
 Clients
 Finance Directors
 Accounting Staff
 Council/Board
Members
 Co-workers
 Superiors
 Subordinates
 Peers / teammates

7. Why are People Difficult?
 People feel:
 Rushed – don’t have enough time
 Insecure
 Angry
 Nervous
 Ill
STRESSED!!!!!

8. A Difficult Person Can Be….
 Hostile-Aggressive
 Know-It All
 Yes-Person
 Whiner
 Never-Say-A-Word
 Indecisive Staller

9. Hostile-Aggressive - type
 Signs:
 Bullies their way toward the results they
want.
 Belittles you in front of anyone.
 Tries to convince you that you are doing a
poor job when you are doing great.

10. Hostile-Aggressive
 Dealing with this type:
 Try to get them to sit down.
 Don’t back down. Let them vent. Don’t
take it personally. Step away from the
emotion.
 Identify their issue.
 Explain benefits of your point of view.
Express your side in factual terms.
 Allow aggressor to “save face.”

11. The Know-It-All - type
 Signs:
 Controls people and events by dominating
conversations with lengthy, imperious
arguments.
 Tries to find flaws in everything.

12. The Know-It-All
 Dealing with this type:
 Know your facts. Be prepared.
 Listen carefully and paraphrase the main
points.
 Use questions to raise issues.
 If necessary, subordinate yourself to avoid
static and commit yourself to building a
more equal relationship in the future.

13. The Yes-Person - type
 Signs:
 Answers “Yes” to every request without
thinking about what is being promised.
 Seeks approval and avoids disapproval.
 And even if all the promises can be kept,
the Yes-Person no longer has a life!

14. The Yes-Person
 Dealing with this type:
 Work to get the underlying issues.
 Tell how much you value them as people.
 Give them permission to say “No.”
 Listen to their humor – hidden messages?

15. The Whiner - type
 Signs:
 Avoids taking responsibility.
 Wants sympathy.
 Has negative view of the world.
 It’s important for these people to get their
opinions across. If you ignore them, they
increase their protests.

16. The Whiner
 Dealing with this type:
 Don’t respond if they are blaming you.
Don’t sympathize if they are at fault.
 Make a list of all complaints from constant
complainers before you discuss problem.
 Make sure the facts are correct.
 Make the Whiner propose solutions on how
they can fix the problem.

17. The Never-Say-A-Word - type
 Signs:
 Timid, uncomfortable and uncertain.
 Wants to avoid conflict or hurting anyone.
 Often feels angry because “the wrong
decision was made.”
 Some can’t relate authentically or speak
honestly.

18. The Never-Say-A-Word
 Dealing with this type:
 Try to draw them out about topics that are
non-threatening.
 Ask open-ended questions.
 Wait for a response – calmly.
(Don’t fill the silence with your chatter.)
 If you get no response, comment on
what’s happening.

19. The Indecisive Staller - type
 Signs:
 Could be an overwhelmed “Yes-Person.”
 Could be a procrastinator.
 Doesn’t organize or prioritize work.

20. The Indecisive Staller
 Dealing with this type:
 Help document their goals and deadlines.
 Listen for indirect words, hesitations.
 Ask them how you can help them achieve
their goals.
 Follow up on intermediate deadlines. Hold
them to the deadlines.
 Make it easy for them to tell you what is
preventing their action.

21. Two Types of Verbal Abuse
 Open Attack
 Shouting
 Insulting
 Blaming / Accusatory
 Verbal Attack
Patterns
 Bait
 Presupposition

22. Your Reaction
 Maslow’s Stimulus - Response

23. Reaction - Choice
 Between stimulus and response there is
choice
 “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90%
how you react to it”
 The choice we make can either de-escalate or
escalate the issue or the problem

24. How to React to Conflict
 Do not take their words or behaviors
PERSONALLY.
 Monitor yourself.
 Think before you react or speak.
 Choose words carefully.
 Choose your battles.

25. How to React to Conflict
 Ignore the bait.
 Respond directly to the attack (hidden
or apparent).
 Transmit this message: “Don’t try that
with me – I won’t play that game.

26. Perspective
 Look at the lens you look at the problem
through; communication is bi-directional
 Speaker has an image (perspective)
 Listener has an image (perspective)

27. Understanding
 First work to understand then to be
understood
 Be clear about what is to be done.
 Be clear about who is to do it.

28. Win/Win
 Frame of mind and heart that constantly
seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions
 Agreements are mutually beneficial
 All parties are in agreement and can take
action
 Sees life as cooperative not competitive
 Success is not achieved at the expense or
exclusion of others
 Belief in the Third Alternative (a better way)

29. REMEMBER!!!
 You never have to deal with conflict
alone.
 It is alright to vent.
 Talk to someone if you feel
overwhelmed by the conflict.
 Don’t be afraid to ask for input or
assistance.
 Start with your circle of influence - you

30. OPEN DISUSSION
Real-life examples
Questions