A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Metamessages (convey meaning without saying what you mean)
Women are attuned to metamessages
Mysterious to men
Form of indirectness
Allows a display of solidarity rather than a display of power
Different styles cause misunderstandings
Talk things out
The problem is men and women have different ways of talking
THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Men see the cake as food
Women see it as a special cake that marks a celebration
Women are attuned to metamessages because they are more focused on involvement
Relationships among people are established and maintained
Interpreting meaning from signals that weren’t intentionally sent out
Furrowed brow= something is wrong
But he’s actually thinking of lunch
‘ Why don’t you ask me how my day was?’
Women wants evidence
To show women that you care, men should ask or show concern
Metamessage can be seen in what is not said as well as what is said.
Men: ‘I think I’ll go for a walk’
Women: “I” means exclusive, you’re not invited. Omission of invitation ‘Would you like to come?’ also locks women out
. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
¶14, 15, 16
Focusing on different levels
Read ¶ 15- 16,
Women: looks at it as condescending
Men: deny implications, putting words into their mouth
Women: attempts to interpret meaning
Read ¶18, 19, 20
Women: knowing that metamessages are a real and fundamental part of communication makes it easier to understand and justify what they feel.
He doesn’t talk to me.
Image of a silent father= model for a lover/husband
At first women think it is attractive
In the end, it is like a brick wall which she is banging her head
Boys and girls play with their friends of their own sex
They learn different ways of having and using conversation
Girls: surrounded with friends, secrets, cooperative activities
Boys: larger groups, often outdoors, spend time doing
Women: relationship is working as long as they can talk things out
Men: it isn’t working if they have to keep working it over- talk weakens the relationship
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
Women: detailed account, report-style with actions
Women ask: ‘What exactly did he say?’, ‘How did he say it?’
1) Women: the telling of details... not because details are important, but because the telling of them proves involvement - that you care about the other. 2) Since it is not natural to men to use talk in this way, they focus on the inherent insignificance of the details. 3) What they find worth telling are facts about topics - sports, politics, history, or how things work. 4) Women often perceive the telling of facts as lecturing, which carries instead a metamessage of condescension: I'm the teacher, you're the student. I'm knowledgeable, you're ignorant.
Avoiding blame (blame doesn't solve problems)
1) If you don't know about differences in conversational style, you assume something's wrong with your partner or you, or you for having chosen your partner. 2) At best, you may absolve individuals and blame the relationship. 3) But if you know about differences in conversational style, you may not always correctly interpret the person's intentions, but if you get a negative impression, you know that it may not be what was intended - and neither are your responses unfounded. 4) If someone says they are really interested even though they don't seem to be, maybe you should believe what they say, and NOT what you sense
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... excuse me, would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THREE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"