6. Dr. John and Julie
Gottman
119 Articles
38 books
the marriage Clinic: a
scientifically based
marital therapy
Learning from the “relationship
masters and disasters” (2004)
7. The staples of a sound marriage, regardless of
age, race, socio-economic makeup or culture
are:
1. an overall level of positive affect
8. 2. An ability to reduce negative affect
during conflict resolution - increase
your ability to sooth each other.
9. The way you say it, matters!
• Caring partners converse in a caring way.
• How you say it is as much important as
what you say!
• Body language communicates, “I am
listening to you and this is important.”
• Silence does not communicate, “I agree with
you.”
13. Respecting your
• Never use conversation as a form of punishment (ridicule,
name calling, swearing, or sarcasm). Conversation should
be constructive not destructive. Proverbs 8:13 To fear the
Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior
and perverse speech.
• Never use conversation to force your spouse to agree with
your way of thinking. Respect your spouse’s feelings and
opinions, especially when yours are different. Psalm 10:7
His mouth is full of lies and threats; trouble and evil are
under his tongue.
• Never use conversation to remind each other of past
mistakes. Avoid dwelling on present mistakes as well.
15. •A COMPLAINT is specific statement,
limited to one situation. It states how you
feel. (“I am upset because you didn't take
out the garbage tonight.”)
16. employ complaint
language
• Complaints are specific.
• “X, Y, Z” statements.
• “When you did (or didn't do) X in situation Y, I
felt Z.”
• Example: “When you didn't call to tell me you
were going to be late (X) for our dinner
appointment (Y), I felt frustrated (Z).”
17. A CRITICISM tends to be global statement and includes
blaming your partner. You'll often find the word always or
never in a criticism.
“Why do you keep putting your friends ahead of me? We
were supposed to have dinner alone tonight.” (Criticism)
e.g., “You were supposed to check with me before inviting
anyone over for dinner. I wanted to spend time alone with
you tonight.” (Complaint)
Criticism
18. •CONTEMPT also is a global statement
that adds to criticism a frustration
bordering on disgust with who the
person IS. It is veiled character
assassination which immediately
erodes the recipients confidence
through use of open ended questions
that have no valid answer. Contempt
also blocks avenues of conversation.
19. Contempt
• e.g., “You were supposed to check with me before
inviting anyone over for dinner. I wanted to spend time
alone with you tonight.” (Complaint)
• “You always put your friends ahead of me don’t you?
Clearly I come last with you. You knew we were
supposed to have dinner tonight.” I can never depend
on you.(Contempt)
20. ®
Examples
1. I am upset that you didn't pay the gas bill.
Complaint Criticism Contempt
2. How can I ever trust you?
Complaint Criticism Contempt
3. You are totally irresponsible.
Complaint Criticism Contempt
21. ®
Questions 4-11
4. You stupid jerk!
Complaint Criticism Contempt
5. I should have known you'd pull
something like that.
Complaint Criticism Contempt
6. You are just terrible with the kids.
Complaint Criticism Contempt
7. When we don't go out together I feel
like you take me for granted.
Complaint Criticism Contempt
8. I wish that you'd touch me more
and be more affectionate.
Complaint Criticism Contempt
9. Don't interrupt!
Complaint Criticism Contempt
10. You just never care about my
feelings.
Complaint Criticism Contempt
11. Leave it to you to screw up the
vacation plans!
Complaint Criticism Contempt
22. ®
Questions 12-19
12. Whose fault is it then?
Complaint Criticism Contempt
13. Don't tell me you didn't know
any better.
Complaint Criticism Contempt
14. I'm sick to death of your
behavior.
Complaint Criticism Contempt
15. Have you got an attitude
problem?
Complaint Criticism Contempt
16. When you don't listen to me I
feel unimportant.
Complaint Criticism Contempt
17. I'm upset you didn't clean up
the dishes last night.
Complaint Criticism Contempt
18. You're just like your mother!
Complaint Criticism Contempt
19. How can you hurt me like this?
Complaint Criticism Contempt
23. ®
Guidelines
➩ Remove the blame from your comments.
➩ Say how you feel.
➩ Don't criticize your partner's personality.
➩ Don't insult, mock, or use sarcasm.
➩ Be direct.
➩ Stick with one situation.
➩ Don't try to analyze your partner's personality.
➩ Don't mind-read.
26. 1.Become a student again
of your spouse
What do you
know of your
spouse?
27. Never stop Dating!
• When you were dating, your best dates were
centered around showing affection for one another
and having conversation.
• When you were dating there were two primary
goals: 1. to get to know each other more thoroughly,
and 2. let each other know how much they care for
each other.
• That should not drop off over the years.
29. Why won’t my husband talk to
• Many men do not seem to have as much of a need for
conversation as wives do. Quietness may be a
personality trait.
• Many women seem to enjoy conversation for its own
sake.
• Conversation that satisfies a women’s needs must focus
on the events of HER day, people she may have
encountered, and most of all-how she feels about them.
• She wants verbal attention! And, she enjoys giving
verbal attention to her husband.
30. Why won’t my husband talk to
• Most important, a woman wants to be with
someone who-in her perception-cares deeply
about her and for her. When she perceives this
kind of caring, she feels close to the person with
who she talks.
• A woman bonds through conversation
• If a spouse’s job takes them out of town there is
a need to reestablish that emotional bonding.
• The timing matters! Don’t bomb bard!
31. 3. Recognize and accept
your spouses bids for
connection
respond to your
partner’s bids
for connection
(esp. men)
32. It takes time to communicate!
• If a husband seriously want to meet his
wife’s need to feel close to him, he will give
the task sufficient time and attention.
• Set aside 14-15 hours a week to give your
spouse Undivided Attention in conversation.
• That is a little over 2 hours per day to devote
to your spouse, or you can also take more
time on a special date out. That means less TV,
Facebook, hanging out in the man cave. More time
being together. Social Media challenge!!
33. It takes time to communicate!
• A given activity qualifies to be part of the
fifteen-hour goal if you can affirmatively
answer, “Does this activity allow us to focus
primarily on each other?”
• Activities like taking a walk or long drive,
going to a restaurant, boating on a quiet
pond, golfing, sunbathing at the beach,
hiking. Not a 3 hour movie or something
that requires concentration.
34. Balancing the
• 8 minutes of one spouse talking and 2 minutes
of the other spouse talking is not mutually
fulfilling.
• Couples must balance the conversation for
example 5 minutes and 5 minutes, giving him
an equal amount of time to speak. One spouse
might not even be aware of their habit to
interrupt the other and take over the
conversation
35. Balancing the
• Those who monopolize conversation
create an unwanted habit in their spouse-
Silence.
• It may take your spouse two or three
seconds to begin a sentence, but allow
whatever time is necessary. Also
remember to wait until your spouse
completes a thought before commenting
on it.
36. Some conversation starters
• What has made you feel good today?
• What has made you feel bad today?
• What was the most important part of your
day?
• What was the most stressful part of your
day?
42. Play Together!
• Recreational companionship develops communication. The
more active you are together, the more naturally you will have
things to communicate about. Conversation will become easier
and more interesting and you can meet their need with less
effort. It will become natural and spontaneous.
• Play together and talk together! Don’t always have separate
hobbies or you will talk to those people instead.
• Have mutual interests and make an effort to become more
involved in each other’s day.
• Develop interest in each other’s favorite topics of conversation.
43. Questions for Him
• Do I spend time talking to my wife on a deep level expressing
my feelings? How close are you to the fifteen-hour goal of
conversation each week? Should we make changes?
• Do you weekly have a date with your wife?
• Do I share interests with my wife? How can I improve?
• Does my career take me away from my wife? What can I do to
44. Questions for Her
• Do I miss anything from our dating days? Do we still have the
kind of communication we shared then?
• Am I doing anything that hinders conversation? Do I have a
job that requires much travel? Do I talk too much? What can I
do to improved such a situation?
• What interests do I share with my husband? What do we talk
about together? Are there any other areas we could share in?
• What activities could we try together to stimulate
conversation? What is your husband’s favorite topic to talk
about?
45. To consider together
• Are our spheres of interests totally separate, or do they
overlap? If they overlap, what areas of mutual interest do we
have? Do we communicate about them enough?
• Do we have meaningful conversations, not just about the kids
or schedules or household duties, but feelings and concerns.
• How can we rearrange our schedules to work toward a goal of
fifteen hours a week of real communication together?
