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Conversations Leading to Agreement

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How to deal with difficult people, finding and using your super powers and becoming an expert negotiator without changing anything about yourself or your values.

Published in: Business, Career, Education
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Conversations Leading to Agreement

  1. 1. Conversations Leading to Agreement Victoria Pynchon, Esq. She Negotiates Consulting and Training
  2. 2. In recent days, its been suggested to me (the generic woman) that I find a way to deepen my voice (Executive Presence); jettison my womanly emotions in the workplace (don’t cry!); act more like a guy, act less like a guy, get the best seat at the conference table, improve my handshake, ask for more money, pay more attention to my family, pay more attention to my social network, learn to golf, start reading the sports page, seek sponsors, seek mentors, brag about my accomplishments, conform my behavior to feminine stereotypes, use man-rules to play the competitive capitalist game, and, for heaven’s sake never, ever to curse in public. Over at Princeton, it’s even been suggested to young women that they find a good provider before graduation.
  3. 3. You. Are. Fine. Just. The. Way. You. Are.
  4. 4. The Performer: Mick Jagger --a classic expression of feeling powerful in the moment-it causes you to physically expand.
  5. 5. Use. What. You’ve. Got.
  6. 6. The Classic: Wonder Woman She's really opening up. The feet spread, the hands on the hips. She's taking up space.
  7. 7. Be. Who. You. Are.
  8. 8. The Loomer: Lyndon Johnson was 6'4", and he used his stature very thoughtfully to both intimidate and seduce.
  9. 9. No. One. Is. The. Boss. Of. You.
  10. 10. The CEO: Oprah Winfrey The body language naturally projects dominance. It's unusual to see a woman
  11. 11. We continue to labor under stereotypes to our detriment
  12. 12. Identical Resumes “Obvious” African- American Name vs. “White” Name Woman’s Name vs. Man’s Name
  13. 13. Often we’re simply overlooked
  14. 14. Or they make us pink
  15. 15. Men too suffer from stereotypes
  16. 16. What’s Your Super Power?
  17. 17. • Age • Experience • Authority • Threats • Ridicule • Power to build coalitions • Power to Withhold –cooperation –benefits Sources of Power
  18. 18. POWER • What is your authority • What resources can you deploy • What punishments can you employ • How willing are you to use your power • Is it power-over or power-to and power-with • Where is the power in your firm • How can you accrete more of that power to yourself or your allies?
  19. 19. Conversations Leading to Agreement
  20. 20. Open with small talk Establish affinity Build trust
  21. 21. Ask questions calling for “yes” or “no” answer •Is it a bad time for the firm?? •Is the firm not hiring anyone this year? •Are you angry at me? •Should I be talking to someone else? Ask questions calling for a narrative answer •What’s the best time to talk hiring? •How do you see us staffing the Microsoft case? •Who else might be good to talk to? •What circumstances would justify the hire?
  22. 22. What do they want? What do they need? Who do they need to satisfy? What just happened? What are their preferences? What are their priorities? What do they value? What is their mission? What constrains them from acting? What motivates them? What are their attitudes toward the future? What are their short- and long- term goals?
  23. 23. • Make your proposal • Give yourself room to concede • Tie concessions to reciprocity • Give good reasons • Stress difficulty of concession • Trade items of low cost to you and high value to them • Reframe • Re-anchor • Appeal to shared values/goals • Always be closing 5-Minute MBA (without the math)
  24. 24. Difficult People
  25. 25. Bullying• Irrational demands • Belligerent refusals to cooperate • Name calling • Shunning • Back Biting • Obstruction
  26. 26. • Extortion – Quid pro quo – threats • Shunning • Gamesmanship • Shaming Deliberate and Repeated Abuse of Power
  27. 27. Bullying is a Behavior Not a Person and It’s Not One Person But Two
  28. 28. Who Bullied you? Who Have You Bullied?
  29. 29. Left out Isolated Unwelcome Disconnected Judged Misunderstood Targeted Overwhelmed Frustrated Disappointed Guilty Embarrassed
  30. 30. They are not irrational; they have hidden constraints – Institutional – Precedential – Promises to others – Deadlines
  31. 31. I is for Idiot copyright 2010 Reason Press • They’re not difficult, they are uninformed – Educate them about their true interests, consequences of their actions – Help them understand what is in their best interest – May have misunderstood or ignored a crucial piece of information
  32. 32. O Is for Outlaw copyright 2010 Reason Press They’re not evil; they have hidden interests – Personal (unrelated to you or deal) – Relational (related to you but not to the deal, i.e., “face”) – Political, social, cultural
  33. 33. Z is for Zen Master copyright 2010 Reason Press Tit for Tat? Cooperate Retaliate for Betrayal Forgive Return to Cooperation
  34. 34. The tit for Tat player is neither repeatedly victimized nor locked into mutually costly chains of betrayal
  35. 35. conditional cooperation is more effective than threats, shaming, shunning, back-biting and the like
  36. 36. what if you had to measure the size of something by using two frames? what if you could only use one? a means of influencing another’s perception by narrowing the ways in which an item or an idea can be characterized
  37. 37. Create The Future of Your Profession And Your Place In It
  38. 38. Resource Materials Available at

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