Conversations Leading to Agreement
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How to deal with difficult people, finding and using your super powers and becoming an expert negotiator without changing anything about yourself or your values.
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Conversations Leading to Agreement
- 1. Conversations Leading to Agreement Victoria Pynchon, Esq. She Negotiates Consulting and Training
- 2. In recent days, its been suggested to me (the generic woman) that I find a way to deepen my voice (Executive Presence); jettison my womanly emotions in the workplace (don’t cry!); act more like a guy, act less like a guy, get the best seat at the conference table, improve my handshake, ask for more money, pay more attention to my family, pay more attention to my social network, learn to golf, start reading the sports page, seek sponsors, seek mentors, brag about my accomplishments, conform my behavior to feminine stereotypes, use man-rules to play the competitive capitalist game, and, for heaven’s sake never, ever to curse in public. Over at Princeton, it’s even been suggested to young women that they find a good provider before graduation.
- 4. You. Are. Fine. Just. The. Way. You. Are.
- 5. The Performer: Mick Jagger --a classic expression of feeling powerful in the moment-it causes you to physically expand.
- 6. Use. What. You’ve. Got.
- 7. The Classic: Wonder Woman She's really opening up. The feet spread, the hands on the hips. She's taking up space.
- 8. Be. Who. You. Are.
- 9. The Loomer: Lyndon Johnson was 6'4", and he used his stature very thoughtfully to both intimidate and seduce.
- 10. No. One. Is. The. Boss. Of. You.
- 11. The CEO: Oprah Winfrey The body language naturally projects dominance. It's unusual to see a woman
- 12. We continue to labor under stereotypes to our detriment
- 14. Identical Resumes “Obvious” African- American Name vs. “White” Name Woman’s Name vs. Man’s Name
- 15. Often we’re simply overlooked
- 17. Or they make us pink
- 19. Men too suffer from stereotypes
- 22. • Age • Experience • Authority • Threats • Ridicule • Power to build coalitions • Power to Withhold –cooperation –benefits Sources of Power
- 23. POWER • What is your authority • What resources can you deploy • What punishments can you employ • How willing are you to use your power • Is it power-over or power-to and power-with • Where is the power in your firm • How can you accrete more of that power to yourself or your allies?
- 24. Conversations Leading to Agreement
- 26. Open with small talk Establish affinity Build trust
- 27. Ask questions calling for “yes” or “no” answer •Is it a bad time for the firm?? •Is the firm not hiring anyone this year? •Are you angry at me? •Should I be talking to someone else? Ask questions calling for a narrative answer •What’s the best time to talk hiring? •How do you see us staffing the Microsoft case? •Who else might be good to talk to? •What circumstances would justify the hire?
- 28. What do they want? What do they need? Who do they need to satisfy? What just happened? What are their preferences? What are their priorities? What do they value? What is their mission? What constrains them from acting? What motivates them? What are their attitudes toward the future? What are their short- and long- term goals?
- 29. • Make your proposal • Give yourself room to concede • Tie concessions to reciprocity • Give good reasons • Stress difficulty of concession • Trade items of low cost to you and high value to them • Reframe • Re-anchor • Appeal to shared values/goals • Always be closing 5-Minute MBA (without the math)
- 30. Difficult People
- 31. Bullying• Irrational demands • Belligerent refusals to cooperate • Name calling • Shunning • Back Biting • Obstruction
- 32. • Extortion – Quid pro quo – threats • Shunning • Gamesmanship • Shaming Deliberate and Repeated Abuse of Power
- 33. Bullying is a Behavior Not a Person and It’s Not One Person But Two
- 34. Who Bullied you? Who Have You Bullied?
- 36. They are not irrational; they have hidden constraints – Institutional – Precedential – Promises to others – Deadlines
- 37. I is for Idiot copyright 2010 Reason Press • They’re not difficult, they are uninformed – Educate them about their true interests, consequences of their actions – Help them understand what is in their best interest – May have misunderstood or ignored a crucial piece of information
- 38. O Is for Outlaw copyright 2010 Reason Press They’re not evil; they have hidden interests – Personal (unrelated to you or deal) – Relational (related to you but not to the deal, i.e., “face”) – Political, social, cultural
- 39. Z is for Zen Master copyright 2010 Reason Press Tit for Tat? Cooperate Retaliate for Betrayal Forgive Return to Cooperation
- 40. The tit for Tat player is neither repeatedly victimized nor locked into mutually costly chains of betrayal
- 41. conditional cooperation is more effective than threats, shaming, shunning, back-biting and the like
- 42. what if you had to measure the size of something by using two frames? what if you could only use one? a means of influencing another’s perception by narrowing the ways in which an item or an idea can be characterized
- 43. Create The Future of Your Profession And Your Place In It
- 44. Resource Materials Available at
Editor's Notes
- In recent days, its been suggested to me (the generic woman) that I find a way to deepen my voice (Executive Presence); jettison my womanly emotions in the workplace ( don’t cry! ); act more like a guy, act less like a guy, get the best seat at the conference table, improve my handshake, ask for more money, pay more attention to my family, pay more attention to my social network, learn to golf, start reading the sports page, seek sponsors, seek mentors, brag about my accomplishments, conform my behavior to feminine stereotypes, use man-rules to play the competitive capitalist game, and, for heaven’s sake never, ever to curse in public. Over at Princeton, it’s even been suggested to young women that they find a good provider before graduation. My generic woman’s head is about to explode.
- They were portrayed by the music press as a gang of rugged troublemakers. Every British band labored in the shadow of the Beatles. Their answer was to be naughtier, more aggressive, more theatrically sexual. Their musical attack emphasized erotic heat over romantic swooning and Jagger’s performance style was macho burlesque.
- You don’t have to be a superwoman but taking up space IS something men do to their advantage.
- Johnson violated other people’s physical space to overpower or to seduce.
- No one puts Oprah in the corner.
- 50% gap in call back rates; 13% salary offer gap
- GO TO NEXT SLIDE?
- HOW OFTEN DO WE SHARE THIS WITH ONE ANOTHER?
- FIVE MINUTES. You want the go-ahead to hire 3 new paralegals from the senior managing partner. He or she is angry, sick, tired, afraid about something having nothing to do with what you want. Open with small talk. Share similarities. Engender trust. THEN left side of the room, say what you want. Managing partner, say ‘no.’ Left side of the room try to find out why with questions calling for “yes” or “no” answers and right side of the room try to find out with open ended questions calling for a narrative answer – a story. Managing partner, just make it up as you go – feeling what you’ve been told you’re feeling.
- Interest based negotiation. You want to know what motivates your bargaining partner.
- We can change the game by changing the conversation.