Chapters 14 & 15 the ending of relationships Uncoupling – the series of stages by which couples (whether married or cohabiting) move toward ending the relationship Suggested stages:DissatisfactionAttempts at changeTurning elsewhere Further distancing ResolutionInforming the other partnerAcknowledging the ending marital endings 4 ways a marriage can end: Desertion – one spouse simply abandons the marriage and the family has no subsequent contact Separation – married partners decide to no longer live together Annulment – a pronouncement that declares that a couple never had a valid marriageReligiousCivil (usually for fraud) Divorce – legal dissolution of a valid marriage health effects of unhappy marriagesResearch has found that the unhappily married were worse off on heart disease risk factors like high blood pressure and cholesterol than both happily married and single women. One study found that couples in high-conflict marriages take longer than the happily married to heal from various wounds – from minor scrapes to surgery societal and demographic factors associated with divorceFamily – many of the family’s traditional functions of child care, protection, and recreation have been taken over by outside institutionsReligion – people who are religious are less likely to divorce. Spouses with the same religion more likely to have stable marriagesLaw – legal assistance easier to obtain. Unclear if the prevalence of divorce has made legal proceedings easier, or if easier legal proceedings made divorce more common. education, income & divorceGenerally, the lower the couple’s educational level and income, the higher the risk for divorceUS Census Bureau: about 36% of women 35-39, with less than 12 years education divorced, compared to about 28% of women with 17+ years of educationnote: the higher the education, the more difficult to marry. But are the marriages more stable if/when they do marry?However, people who have started toward, but failed to complete, a particular degree (regardless of its level), are more likely to divorce than those who complete the degree.Couples below the poverty line are 2x as likely to divorce within 2 years ethnicity & cultureAfrican American couples are 2x as likely to end their marriages as white and Hispanic couples areLargely due to the fact that they are disproportionately poorAs income levels rise, divorce rates for blacks decrease, resembling those for whitesLatinos have relatively low divorce ratesPartly due to the fact that many are Catholic, and Catholicism frowns on divorce personal factors associated with divorce Communication problems Infidelity Constant conflict Emotional abuse Falling out of love Unsatisfactory sex Insufficient income Physical abuse Falling in love with someone else Boredom effects of divorce “Divorce hangover” – an individual is unable to let go of the fact that they got a divorce, reorient themselves as single parents, or develop new friendshipsSeparation dist.

1. Chapters 14 & 15
the ending of relationships
Uncoupling – the series of stages by which couples (whether
married or cohabiting) move toward ending the relationship
Suggested stages:DissatisfactionAttempts at changeTurning
elsewhere Further distancing ResolutionInforming the other
partnerAcknowledging the ending
marital endings
4 ways a marriage can end:
Desertion – one spouse simply abandons the marriage and the
family has no subsequent contact
Separation – married partners decide to no longer live together
Annulment – a pronouncement that declares that a couple never
had a valid marriageReligiousCivil (usually for fraud)
Divorce – legal dissolution of a valid marriage
health effects of unhappy marriagesResearch has found that the
unhappily married were worse off on heart disease risk factors
like high blood pressure and cholesterol than both happily
married and single women. One study found that couples in
high-conflict marriages take longer than the happily married to
heal from various wounds – from minor scrapes to surgery

2. societal and demographic factors associated with divorceFamily
– many of the family’s traditional functions of child care,
protection, and recreation have been taken over by outside
institutionsReligion – people who are religious are less likely to
divorce. Spouses with the same religion more likely to have
stable marriagesLaw – legal assistance easier to obtain. Unclear
if the prevalence of divorce has made legal proceedings easier,
or if easier legal proceedings made divorce more common.
education, income & divorceGenerally, the lower the couple’s
educational level and income, the higher the risk for divorceUS
Census Bureau: about 36% of women 35-39, with less than 12
years education divorced, compared to about 28% of women
with 17+ years of educationnote: the higher the education, the
more difficult to marry. But are the marriages more stable
if/when they do marry?However, people who have started
toward, but failed to complete, a particular degree (regardless of
its level), are more likely to divorce than those who complete
the degree.Couples below the poverty line are 2x as likely to
divorce within 2 years
ethnicity & cultureAfrican American couples are 2x as likely to
end their marriages as white and Hispanic couples areLargely
due to the fact that they are disproportionately poorAs income
levels rise, divorce rates for blacks decrease, resembling those
for whitesLatinos have relatively low divorce ratesPartly due to
the fact that many are Catholic, and Catholicism frowns on
divorce

3. personal factors associated with divorce
Communication problems
Infidelity
Constant conflict
Emotional abuse
Falling out of love
Unsatisfactory sex
Insufficient income
Physical abuse
Falling in love with someone else
Boredom
effects of divorce
“Divorce hangover” – an individual is unable to let go of the
fact that they got a divorce, reorient themselves as single
parents, or develop new friendshipsSeparation distress –
depression, loss, anxiety & intense lonelinessCompared to
married and other singles, divorced are the most depressed and
even suicidalLoneliness and fears of being stigmatizedStress –
next to death of a spouse or a child, divorce is the greatest
stress-producing event one can experience in life
effects of divorce, cont’d:Health problems – divorced people
are at higher risk for health problems, partly because ongoing
stress can tax immune systemsHigher likelihood of heart or lung
disease, cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, and
difficulties with mobilityHigher rates of alcoholism, mental
problems, accidents and suicideCan be positive for young,
highly educated females in short-lived marriages, and those

4. with strong social support
long-term effects of divorce on children
Wallerstein vs. Hetherington
Wallerstein (pessimistic): her study found that 10-15 years after
a split, children entered adulthood as “worried, underachieving,
self-deprecating, and sometimes angry”Claims that a lack of
healthy role models causes children to have less social
competence, puts them at greater risk for drug & alcohol abuse,
are less likely to attend college, and girls more likely to have
early sexual experiencesWallerstein argues that children are
better off if parents stay together, even they’re in unhappy or
loveless marriages
Hetherington (optimist): argues that the harm of divorce has
been exaggerated and the positive effects ignoredSaw increased
resilience in children of divorceFound that within 6 years after
divorce, children were as well adjusted and happy as were
children whose parents stayed married
Why the difference in findings?Hetherington interviewed 1400
families, half divorced, half not; Wallerstein interviewed 60
families and compared children of divorced parents w/44 adults
who grew up in intact familiesHetherington’s sample considered
more representative and data collection more scientifically
rigorous
returning to the single life
In a hurry to remarry? In one study of 248 remarried subjects,
respondents spent an average of 17 months dating, whereas

5. before their second marriage they spent about half the time
dating – only about 9 months
Sex?Generally, men tend to enjoy sex after separation, and are
bolstered by it. Women don’t find sex quite as enjoyable, and
their sense of well-being isn’t linked to sexual activity
middle-aged singlesThe main reason for dating among men and
women (49% of respondents) was to have someone to talk to or
do fun things with – only 10% of men and 7% of women had the
goal of marriageAbout 29% said they had a hard time finding
dates
Sex:59% of men felt they didn’t have sex often enough; only
35% of women felt that way46% of men, and only 21% of
women, said they had sex with more than one person during the
same time period21% of men and only 2% of women said sex on
the first date is acceptable (in 40’s & 50’s – gap wider, the
older they get)
remarriageImportant to distinguish between happiness (quality
in marriage) and stability (duration of the marriage)
Happiness:In comparison with first marriages, evidence
suggests that second marriages show either no difference in
satisfaction or even show less satisfactionMany studies indicate
that there are few differences in satisfaction in first compared to
second marriagesIs the case regardless of the complexities of
step children and other factorsSome research suggests that
remarried couples might not handle conflicts well, resorting to
anger and shouting
Stability:Generally, 2nd and 3rd marriages don’t last as long as

6. 1st marriages
Why is there a higher divorce rate amongst the
remarried?They’re more accepting of divorceRemarried partners
receive less social supportStepchildren create more stressesLack
of a cultural script creates uncertaintySociety hasn’t created a
“cultural script” for remarriage – a set of social norms that
guide participants in their relations with each otherSingle
remarriages are no more apt to divorce than people in 1st
marriages; but, double remarriages are twice as likely to divorce
as people in first marriages
Parenting & Crisis
Chapters 11 & 13
Adjusting to Parenting
Why is transitioning into parenthood more difficult than most

7. (if not all) other transitions in life?
Parenthood can’t be “undone”
Is an immediate 24/7 job
Unrealistic expectations can lead to disillusionment –
parenthood might be romanticized due to lack of previous
experience
No instruction manual for parenting
Parenting changes the couple’s relationship – marital
satisfaction after the first baby’s birth has been found to be 42%
lower
Changes New Parents Might Expect
Carolyn & Phillip Cowan identified changes new parents
typically experience:
People think about themselves differently – are full-fledged

8. adults, responsible for one of life’s most important
responsibilities
Adjusting to new roles between partners
Alters the relationship with their own parents
Adjustments within the career
Parenting Approaches
Baumrind identified 3 approaches to parenting:
Authoritarian – parents are repressive, controlling, and
unreasonably strict
Working class parents tend to be more authoritarian
Parents tend to be cold and unsupportive, discourage verbal
give-and-take, and often use physical force to control behavior
Children in these families tend to be more moody, less cheerful,
more passively hostile, and more vulnerable to stress
Permissive – parents are warm and reasonable

9. Few rules & regulations
Authoritative – parents are both strict & controlling, and also
warm & supportive
Tend to use positive reinforcement rather than punishment
Show awareness of the child’s feelings & encourage open
communication, independence & self-reliance
Children show self-reliance, curiosity, and creativity in dealing
with new situations
LeMasters & DeFrain’s 5 Parenting Styles
Martyr – parents makes big sacrifices for their children, and
exercise little or no authority over them
Spoil children with material things
Children rarely learn to be self-sufficient
Pal – parents let children set their own goals, rules, and limits
Police officer – authoritarian & repressive style where parents

10. insist that their children follow rules, and punish them when
they don’t
Risk of rebelling in adolescence
Teacher-Counselor – parents intensely focused on guiding
children’s behavior
Put needs of the child before those of the parents
Athletic Coach – parents set rules for the house, teach the
children rules, and apply penalties for infractions
LeMasters and DeFrain feel this is the most effective style
(similar to Baumrind’s authoritative approach)
Principles of Effective Childrearing
Positive reinforcement – helps encourage both positive social
behavior and a positive self-image, as well as a feeling of
comfort about engaging in love relationships in adulthood

11. Instilling values & a sense of responsibility
Practicing good communication
Avoiding physical punishment
Children exposed to spanking are more apt to lie, cheat, or be
mean to others, to be disobedient in school, experience
depression, drug abuse, or suicide in adolescence, and to be
linked to dating violence and child-to-parent violence
Grandparenthood
What defines a grandparent?
Biology
Emotional bond
Closeness to family
3 grandparenting styles:
Remote – largely symbolic, little if any direct contact
Companionate – focus more on leisure activities and friendship

12. Involved – take a more active role in the lives of grandchildren,
often more of a parental role
Finding Meaning in Aging
Older people recognize their lives are coming to an end, and
spend more time in reflection
Neurgarten (1971) identified 4 ways of coping:
Disintegrated & disorganized – marked by despair; can’t come
to terms with aging
Often found in nursing homes or hospitals
Passive-dependent – little confidence in their ability to cope
with daily life; seek help even if they don’t need it
Defended – living independently but fearful of aging; try to
shield themselves from reality of old age. Fight to stay
youthful.
Integrated – cope well with challenges of aging

13. Key to successful aging lies in keeping personal dignity & self-
confidence while accepting growing old
Internal vs. External Stressors
Internal stressors – those events that begin inside the family
Expected over the normal family life cycle, events that are
sought out (like a new job), and situations of long duration
(diabetes, chemical addiction, etc.)
External stressors – those that begin with someone or something
outside the family
Natural disasters, economic downturns, winning the lottery, etc.

14. Infidelity
Affairs seem to be primarily related to 2 variables: Premarital
sexual permissiveness and unhappiness in the marriage
Men and women who have a strong need for sex and who have
permissive sexual values plus some dissatisfaction in their
present relationship are more inclined to seek extramarital
relationships
Short-Term Involvements:
Men: is often sex without love (prostitutes or a one-night stand)
Apt to have an affair for the feeling of conquest and sexual
excitement
Women: affair usually involves love as well as sex
Apt to have affair because they’re angry with husbands and seek
revenge

15. Long-Term Involvements: 4 Types
Marriage-Maintenance – affairs that provide something missing
from the relationship, like unusual sex
Some argue that these types of affairs can actually help to
sustain a marriage
Intimacy Reduction – involvements by a spouse who feels
uncomfortable with too much closeness in his/her marriage
Reactive – engaged in by partners who are seeking reassurance
about their youthfulness & sexuality
Hedonistic – acts of playfulness by partners who are often
sexually fulfilled and happy in their own marriages
“Just for fun”

16. Violence
Men:
More likely to say that they have beat up the woman they were
dating, or threatened her with a gun
Date rapists tend to hold traditional views about women and
sex, to show hostility towards women, to have been sexually
promiscuous as adolescents, to report a great number of sexual
experiences, to have a propensity for jealousy, and to have
difficulty expressing their feelings
Women:
More likely to say they’ve been pushed or slapped by a man
they were dating
College women who have been date-raped reported higher levels
of sexual dysfunction, anger, depression, and anxiety than did
comparable women who had not been date raped

17. Cohabiting couples are more likely to be physically violent –
mostly grabbing pushing, and slapping
In homosexual relationships, lesbian victims and gay male
victims are more likely to fight back than is the case with
straight women
Gay men are less abusive than heterosexual men, but lesbians
are more abusive that heterosexual women toward their partners

18. Marital Violence
2 Kinds of Marital Violence:
Patriarchal Terrorism – violence by men who feel that they must
control “their” women by any means necessary
View women as property
Want to keep them “in their place”
Common Couple Violence – violence between partners arising
from everyday disputes that have gone too far
Motivated by the need to control the situation
Generally, domestic violence is found more frequently among
young, low-income, blue-collar couples where alcohol and/or
drugs are abused, and where the man tends to believe in
traditional gender roles, is jealous, and believes violence is
acceptable
Spillover – the effect of participation in one of life’s domains
(like work) on other domains (like family)

19. Child Abuse & Neglect
Children of single parents had a 77% greater risk of being
harmed by physical abuse, an 87% greater risk of neglect, and
80% greater risk of suffering serious injury or harm from abuse
and neglect
Children in large families are physically neglected 3x the rate
of those who come from single-child families
Children from low-income families more than 22x more likely
to experience maltreatment, 18x more likely to be sexually
abused, and 56x more likely to be educationally neglected
Girls are sexually abused 3x more often than boys, but boys are
at greater risk for emotional neglect and serious injury
Dealing with Stress
Defense mechanisms – unconscious methods for denying,
excusing, disguising, or changing the behaviors that cause

20. anxiety and frustration
Repression – unconscious blocking of whatever is causing stress
Denial – refusal to believe info that provokes anxiety
Rationalization – assertion that the reasons for illogical
behavior are rational and good
Displacement – redirecting one’s feelings from the true target to
something less threatening
Projection – attribution of unacceptable impulses or
characteristics to other people
Reaction formation – people presenting themselves as the
opposite of what they truly feel
Regression – relapse into a more childlike type of behavior
Sublimation – socially constructive behavior that’s formed to
disguise unacceptable behavior
ie, hostile impulses channeled into seeking a career as a police
officer

21. Variations
Chapter 9
households
Platonic “roommate marriages”
Commuter, living-apart-together, & transnational marriages
Skipped-generation households: grandparents raising
grandchildren
“Adultolescents”
shifts in household arrangements
Decline in the percentage of married-couple households
Decline in percentage of households with children
Why the changes?
Women are waiting longer to have children
More burden on working parents
More female households
More women in the workforce

22. the life of singles
Never-Marrieds:
Social trends that encourage individuals to either not marry, or
marry later:
Lack of potential marriage partners –
In 1948 sex ratio was about equal; by 2000, there were 96.3 men
for every 100 women
Today most of the shortage is in older age groups; however,
African American, Chinese American and Japanese women
perceive that there are fewer suitable marriage partners
Economic changes – during economic downturns, men & women
tend to postpone marriage
More liberal & individualistic sexual & social standards
The Widowed:
Women more likely to be widowed
Widowed females less likely to find new spouses because of the
marriage gradient and the marriage squeeze
Marriage gradient – tendency of men to marry downward in
class and women to marry upward with respect to age,
education, & occupational success
The Divorced:
Divorced people are considerably less happy than married
people, and also less happy than the widowed.

23. singlehood
Singles have more free time
Singles have more fun
distinguish between fun and happiness
Singles are more comfortable with other singles
Singles are lonely
cohabitation
Currently about 7.5 million Americans live with partners of the
opposite sex
Why cohabitate?
The “Linus blanket” – one partner is highly insecure and prefers
a relationship with someone
Emancipation
Convenience
Testing

24. Is cohabitation a stage in the courtship process leading to
marriage, or is it a separate institution functioning as an
alternative to marriage?
¾ of cohabiting women expect to marry their partners, but only
1/3 marry within 3 years
66% of White cohabiting women marry their partners, but only
10% of cohabiting Black women do
If pregnant, Whites are much more likely to marry
Cohabitation has different meanings among Blacks and Whites
Among Whites is a transitional step, among Blacks seems to be
a substitution
Economics play a big role in choosing cohabitation over
marriage
Compared to married couples, for unmarried cohabitants the
commitment during their time together isn’t as deep
Might have lower levels of happiness and higher rates of
depression and alcohol problems compared to married couples
Might also experience more incidents of fighting and domestic
violence
Some research indicates that men who cohabitate with women
they eventually marry are less committed to the marriage,
compared to men who never lived with partner prior to the
marriage
Men who want to “try out” the marriage might be less
committed to the institution in general & their partners

25. homosexuality
One review of genetic research concluded that:
At least half of the reasons for sexual orientation could be
traced to genetics
Sexual orientation tended to run in families
Has been found that lesbians seem to have different brain
circuitry then heterosexual women do, processing the aroma of
sex hormones in ways similar to straight men
Gay men & straight men respond differently to 2 odors that may
be involved in sexual arousal, potentially indicating a biological
basis for sexual orientation
LeVay (1993): argues that sexual orientation is related to the
structure of a person’s brain
Studied the brains of homosexual and heterosexual men and
found that there is a difference in size in the hypothalamus, the
part of the brain that regulates hormones
This anatomical difference plays a part in shaping orientation
Genetics: study of 44 pairs of homosexual brothers found a
distinct genetic pattern involving the X chromosome
High number of gay male relatives
Some researchers think there is a “gay gene” on the X
chromosome

26. gay couples
Bell & Weinberg (1978) conducted a study of 979 male and
female, black and white, homosexuals. Found 5 categories:
Closed couples – “happily married”
Open couples – “unhappily married”
Functionals – highly sexual
Dysfunctionals – tormented
Asexuals – lonely
How gay couples differ:
More likely to be egalitarian, dual-worker relationships, with
income or household responsibilities based on factors other than
traditional roles
Gay couples get more support from friends than from their
extended families
homosexual relationships
Gay Men:
Seem to have more casual sex than either heterosexual men or
lesbians, and their sexuality seems to be more body-centered
than personality-centered
Gay male couples are 2x as likely as straight couples to report
the highest levels of closeness in their relationships

27. Gay Women:
Seem to emphasize committed relationships more than gay men
do
Have less casual sex than gay men, & sexuality is more
personality-focused
Report greater sexual satisfaction
Compared with married couples and gay male couples, lesbian
couples have been found to be the closest, most satisfied, and
the most flexible in roles in their relationships
Marriage
Chapter 8

28. Thompson: “The way the whole issue of family life in America
is framed politically and culturally is dependent on utopian
images of the family that come out of 50’s television”
Old TV shows did not actually reflect the American family;
instead, they established the notion of what a perfect American
family is supposed to be.

29. Love & Marriage
Prior to the Industrial Revolution, marriage in the US was a
practical arrangement between two families
Different countries have different ideas of the role of love in
choosing a mate
Emphasis on romantic love as a basis for marriage emphasizes
individual gratification
Romantic love can be seen as a danger to the integrity of the
structure of the community or nation
Hindu view: “a marriage is something that affects so many
people, relatives, ancestors, neighbors, and friends, in serious
ways. How can you possibly leave it up to one young person,
driven by lust and passion, to make a sound decision?”

30. There isn’t much agreement on this topic, in terms of who
should be allowed to marry, the steps leading to marriage, and
the expectations once married
Despite the differences in conceptualization, marriage has not
lost its ideological significance
US has highest marriage rate; 90% of all Americans will marry
But individuals are waiting longer to get married, may cohabit
at some point, and divorce easier
Some form of marriage exists in all societies around the world
Who we believe to be good/bad partners, what we believe to be
acceptable/unacceptable are the products of factors including
family, culture, tradition, religion, media, social contacts and
other factors like technology and globalization

31. Why Do People Get Married?
Main reason people get married is because of love. After that,
main reasons are companionship, wanting children, and
happiness
Marriage for the “Right” Reasons:
Emotional Security – looking for an emotional and enduring
relationship
Companionship – want to avoid being alone
Parenthood
Marriage for the “Wrong” Reasons:

32. Physical attraction
Economic security
Pressure from parents, peers, partners….pregnancy
Escape, rebellion, rebound, rescue
Fraudulent marriage
Interracial Marriage

33. A major key in predicting the happiness of interracial marriages
is the extent to which the couple is aware of how their union is
perceived by others with regard to racial issues, and how much
social support they receive for their relationship from relatives
and friends
Rates of intermarriage in the US have increased in the past 30
years, but not dramatically
African Americans least likely to marry outside of their group
Black women least likely to be in an interracial marriage
About 1/3 as likely as Black men to marry someone from
another race
The higher the education level of the partners, the greater the
chance of intermarriage

34. 1/5 of all married Asian women are married to someone of
another race; more than double the rate of Asian men
Native Americans, Hawaiians and individuals of mixed race
(duh) have the highest interracial marriage rate
70% of all interracial couples in 2000 include:
A person of “some other race” + White spouse
Black husband + White wife
White husband + Native American wife
Asian women + White husbands

35. Expectations of Marriage
Marriage as a Rite of Passage:
Rite of Passage – an event signaling a major change from one
social status to another
Engagement
Wedding
Honeymoon
Marriage in Expectation of Sexual Exclusivity & Permanence:
Most partners assume that their relationship will be built around
2 promises: sexual exclusivity and permanence.
Marriage as a Legal Commitment:
By making a legal, contractual commitment, the state where you
live has an interest in how you terminate the marriage, how
property is divided, and how children are shared.

36. Marital Quality
Marital quality is composed of 2 factors: marital stability and
marital satisfaction
Research has a lack of information about the underlying factors
influencing marital processes and outcomes among diverse
groups
Participants who became parents by the 3rd year of marriage
had higher levels of tension
In a survey of 247 Black and White women, they found that
equity, trust and emotional health predicted marital happiness
Among Black women, their physical health and the closeness of
their relationship to their in-laws also predicted marital well-
being
Upper class vs. lower class expectations

37. 3 contractual marital agreements:
Covenant marriage – is an anti-divorce contract where couples
demonstrate their commitment to marriage by a) getting
premarital counseling, b)getting therapy when needed, and c)
agreeing not to divorce until after 2 years of separation, or after
proving adultery or abuse
Prenuptual agreement
Postnuptual agreement

38. Phases in the Family Life Cycle
1. The Beginning Phase: Most Marital Satisfaction
“Identity bargaining”
Loss of independence
New friends & relatives
Defining career & domestic roles
2. Child-Rearing Phase: Less Marital Satisfaction

39. Period of less marital satisfaction is correlated with the most
intense periods of childbearing and childrearing
Changes during childrearing years:
Work
Domestic responsibilities
Sexual changes
3. Middle-Age Phase: More Marital Satisfaction
Empty-nest syndrome – depression after children have moved
out
4. Aging Phase
One study found that wives became less deferential to their
husbands, and men became less patriarchal and more
collaborative with their wives

40. 5 Types of Enduring Marriages (Cuber & Harroff)
Utilitarian Marriages: Based on convenience
1. Conflict-habituated – tension & unresolved conflict
Fighting is an acceptable way of dealing with each other
2. Devitalized – lost the strong emotional connection, but stay
together out of duty
3. Passive-congenial – couples focuses on activities rather than
emotional intimacy
Different from devitalized in that this is how they’ve always
been
Intrinsic Marriages: Fundamentally rewarding
4. Vital – partners are intensely bound together psychologically
and participate in many aspects of each other’s lives
5. Total – bound together psychologically, but participate in all
aspects of each other’s lives, and have few areas of
tension/conflict

41. 4 Types of “Good Marriages” (Wallerstein & Blakeslee)
Based on a very limited sample: all white, well-educated, and
middle-class, 50 couples total
Romantic marriage – filled with passion and sex. Romantic
ideas of destiny and “ever after”
Rescue marriage – point is to provide comfort for past suffering
Companionate marriage – spouses base relationship on equality
and friendship
Traditional – husband is the breadwinner, wife is homemaker

42. Qualities of Good Marriages
Homogamy – marriages between people of similar education,
ethnicity, religion, age and social class tend to be more
successful
Similar characteristics and interests = higher happiness
Income – the more the income and the higher the occupational
status, the higher the likelihood of happiness
Equity – partners give in proportion to what they receive
Equality – equal status and responsibility for domestic,
financial and emotional duties
Multiple studies have found that women spend almost double
the amount of time on household chores

43. Chapter 7
Sexuality

44. Sex & the Media
Average American youth spends 1/3 of each day with various
types of mass media
Brown et al. found that children between 12-14 who had a “high
sexual media diet” were more than 2x more likely to have sex at
ages 14 to 16, compared to teens exposed to lighter sexual
media fare
According to Martino et al., teens who listen to raunchy, sexual
lyrics of music are twice as likely to start having sex sooner
than those who listen to other songs
Many commercials emphasize not only that sex is fun, but that
everyone is having it
Married people have the most sex, and report the highest levels
of both emotional and physical satisfaction with their partners
25% of married men and 10% of married women have had at
least one extramarital sexual experience
Incidence is higher among the young than the old
Higher among men than women
Higher among people of low social positions than those who are
well off
Chances are higher with people who don’t identify with a
religion
Also higher with people in unhappy marriages
Culture
Positions
Kinsey (1948) found that heterosexual couples in the US have
sex in a single position
People in the South Seas never have sex in that way

45. “Missionary position”
Kissing
Modesty
Incest
The Sexual Revolution
First began in the 1920’s with industrialization
“Roaring 20’s”
Kinsey wrote 2 bestselling books which revealed that people in
the US were much less conventional about sexual issues than
expected
Encouraged a new openness towards sexuality
Sexual revolution really came of age in the 60’s
Narrowing of the double standard
Increased sexual activity overall, but changed women’s
behavior more than men’s
The Sexual Counterrevolution
Began in 1980
Was a conservative call for a return to “family values”
Critics of the sexual revolution objected to the idea of free love,
cohabitation, and children being born out of wedlock
Whether for moral reasons or fear of disease, more people
began limiting their number of sexual partners or abstained
from sex altogether
Sex is more satisfying in countries where women and men are

46. considered equal
“When mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy”
According to the UN, the Netherlands, Denmark, and Sweden
give women the highest social standing
Women in the nations of Niger, Democratic Republic of Congo,
and Yemen have the lowest social standing
Why do people go against their wishes and give in to sex?
Enticement – involves seduction
Altruism – satisfying the other person just because he/she wants
it
Inexperience – belief that one needs the experience
Reluctance – feeling obligated or not knowing what else to do
Sexual Values
Sexual values – deeply held beliefs and attitudes about what is
right and wrong, desirable and undesirable sexual behavior
4 Standards of Premarital and Nonmarital Sex:
The Double-Standard – standard according to which premarital
and nonmarital sex is more acceptable for men than for women
Permissiveness with Affection – allows premarital or nonmarital
sex for both women & men, provided they have an affectionate
and committed relationship
Permissiveness without Affection – (“recreational sex”) allows
premarital or nonmarital sex for women & men regardless of the
amount of affection or stability in their relationship
Abstinence – avoidance of intercourse
Sexual Values of College Students
Knox identified 3 sexual values that guided the behavior of
college students in sexual decision making:
Absolutism – adhere to strict codes, usually religious in nature,
that dictate right and wrong

47. Hedonism – “if it feels good, do it, but don’t hurt anybody in
the process”; men 6x more likely to endorse this
Relativism – “what you do sexually depends on the person
you’re with, how you feel about each other, and the nature of
the relationship”
The age at which people have had their first sexual encounter
has dropped over the past 50 years: Went from 20.4 ys (1954-
63) to 17.6 (1994-03)
How Do We Learn About Sex?
Parents
Research suggests that mothers with good relationships with
teenage daughters have been able to influence their sexual
activity
Some parents avoid having “the talk” until an “appropriate
time”, or will discuss the topic once then feel that they’ve done
their duty – although more frequent discussion is more effective
In white families, usually fathers talk with their boys and
mothers talk with their girls. In black & Hispanic families,
however, mothers more than fathers perform this function,
regardless of the sex of the child
Religion
Direct influence – some research suggests that the strength of
religious beliefs & frequency of church attendance are related to
the delay of first intercourse; especially true for girls
Indirect influence – higher religiosity --> lower drinking -->
lower frequency of sexual behavior
Friends & Siblings
Friends, not parents, are the most important source of

48. information about sex
Friends have the greatest influence on teenager’s sexual values
and on a teen’s decision to become sexually active
Sex Education
Probably the most effective sex-ed approaches involve teaching
students to understand the pressure from media and peers to
have sex and how to resist it, and to understand the risks of
unprotected sex and how to avoid them
Sexual Partners
They become the most influential in helping us to modify our
sexual expectations (sexual scripts)
Sexual Scripts
Sexual script – a set of expectations as to how one should
behave in sexual situations
Represent the interpretations and behaviors we have learned
from society and others that are expected of us in sexual
situations
Sexual scripts are most influential and powerful during
adolescence and young adulthood, when people are most
influenced by media, friends, and parents; later, we are more
influenced by our partners
Men’s sexual scripts: supposed to be in charge, confident,
aggressive – not tender and compassionate
Women’s sexual scripts: expected to be beautiful, loving,
nurturing, and accommodating
Communication: Realizing Effective Intimacy
Chapter 6

49. Power & Its Effects
Power – the ability or potential to impose one’s will on other
people; to get them to think, feel, or do something they would
not ordinarily have done spontaneously
Power in a relationship often derives from personality –
whichever partner, whether male or female, has the more
forceful personality & temperament might be the more dominant

50. one in the relationship
People who feel powerless or helpless often are likely to be
depressed and susceptible to physical and emotional disorders
What does unequal power do to relationships?
Affects self-esteem
Inhibits satisfaction, love, & sharing of feelings
Encourages manipulation

51. How Does Power Work?
Raven et al. offer 6 types of power people may exert in a
relationship:
Coercive power – based on the fear that the partner will inflict
punishment
Reward power – based on the belief that your agreement with
your partner will elicit rewards from that partner
Expert power – based on the opinion that your partner has
specialized knowledge
Legitimate power – based on your partner’s having the right to
ask you and your duty of having to comply
Referent power – based on your identifying with and admiring
your spouse & receiving satisfaction by pleasing him/her
Informational power – persuasive power; you’re persuaded by
your partner that what he/she wants is in your best interest

52. Bloode & Wolfe’s Resource Theory:
The balance of power in a marriage reflects the relative
resources of each spouse
Resources include money, education, occupational status, sex,
parenting skills, etc. The spouse who has more resources is able
to make more decisions that affect his/her partner, thereby
giving them more power.
Waller’s Principle of Least Interest:
The partner who is least interested in the relationship has the
most power
If you’re more committed to your relationship than your
partner, you might hold back expressing frustrations,
unhappiness, resentments, etc. and instead strive to please your
partner

53. Conflict
In any intimate relationship, we crave 2 contradictory things:
closeness and independence
As a result of this clash, we experience conflict – the process of
interaction that results when the behavior of one person
interferes with the behavior of another
In our society we experience a conflict taboo – conflict and
anger are considered wrong, and seen as the opposite of
cooperation and love
Challenges the idea of the folk concept of the family –
emphasizes support, understanding, happiness, and warm
holiday rituals
However, conflict is natural to relationships, and is often
desirable

54. negative conflict
Negative conflict is destructive behavior that’s typically bad for
relationships, families, and even health
Repressed anger – unconscious suppression of feelings of anger
so that they are expressed in other ways
“Gunnysacking” – saving up grievances until they spill over
Overeating, apathy, depression, displacement
Passive-Aggression – the expression of anger indirectly rather
than directly
Sarcasm, nagging, nitpicking, silent treatment
Scapegoating – blaming one partner or family member for
everything that goes wrong
Gaslighting – when one partner constantly criticizes or denies

55. the other’s definition of reality, diminishing the other’s self-
esteem
positive conflict
Positive conflict is the kind of airing of differences that bring
partners closer together; builds up each other’s self-esteem
rather than diminishing it
Conflict helps to clarify differences

56. Conflict keeps small issues from becoming big ones
Conflict can improve relationships
what do couples argue about?
Research suggests that most disagreements are never actually
fully resolved
Most couples, both happy & unhappy, tend to argue, particularly

57. in the early stages of the marriage, and they tend to argue about
the same things
9 common areas of conflict:
Household tasks
Especially pronounced among women; “second shift”
Money
Sex
Gender difference in sex drive, and female sex drive is more
dependent on social, cultural, and situational factors
Women are resentful of partners who are affectionate only when
interested in sex
Loyalty: Trust & Fidelity
One study found that in 1/3 of divorces, one or both partners
has been sexually unfaithful

58. 5. Power
6. Nurturance – who takes care of whom?
7. Privacy – aloneness vs. interaction
8. Children
9. Differences in Style – variations in preferences,
temperaments & tastes

59. how people handle conflict
5 Major Types of Conflict:
Competing: individual is assertive and uncooperative, and sees
conflict as a war which he or she is determined to win
Parallel: individual is unassertive and uncooperative. Both
partners deny and retreat from any discussion of a problem.
Accommodating: individual is unassertive but cooperative;
takes a passive stance. Don’t advance your own feelings but try
to soothe the other.
Compromising: individual is somewhat assertive, but both are
cooperative
Collaborating: great deal of concern about advancing both your
own interests and your partner’s. You are assertive and
cooperative.

60. resolving conflict
Authors recommend the following rules for dealing with
conflict:
Attack problems, not the person
Using “I feel” language
Be sensitive about timing and place
Say what you mean, don’t lie & manipulate, and ask for what
you want
Active listening

61. nonverbal communication
Nonverbal communication consists of messages sent outside the
written or spoken word
5 kinds of nonverbal communication:
Interpersonal space
Eye contact
Serves 3 purposes: signalizes the beginning and end of a
conversation, expresses emotion, and communicates interest and
attention
Facial expressions
Body movements & gestures
Touch

62. uses of nonverbal communication
Malandro & Barker contend that nonverbal communication has
6 functions in relation to our spoken words
It can complement our words
Can contradict our words
Can accent our words
Can repeat our words
Can substitute for our words
Can help regulate our communication

63. gender differences
Women:
Research suggests that they seek closeness and avoid isolation
Rapport talk – aimed at gaining intimacy. Women tend to
respond by listening, offering sympathy, support, &
understanding
After work and money, women talk equally about leisure and
men

64. Talk in terms of details, anecdotes, and personal disclosures.
Talk tentatively, using disclaimers & verbal hedges, especially
when talking to men
Men:
More likely than women to act unilaterally in making decisions
Report talk – aimed at conveying information
After work and money, men talk about leisure. Less likely to
talk about women than women were to talk about men.
Tend to dominate conversations by speaking longer, more
frequently, and interrupting others

65. barriers to communication
Satir identified 4 styles of miscommunication:
Placating – passive people who are always agreeable but act
helpless
Greatest desire is to avoid making a scene
Blaming – always put the responsibility for any problem on
someone else
Computing – pretend to be reasonable and not reveal their
feelings because they find emotions threatening
Distracting – Avoid disclosing relevant feelings, so they never
discuss a problem but instead change the subject

66. Gottman
5 kinds of couple’s interactions which, in 90% of cases, are
predictors of divorce:
Contempt – (ie, eye rolling) expresses that your partner is
inferior or undesirable
Criticism – making disapproving judgments or evaluations
about your partner
Defensiveness – not listening, but instead defending yourself
against a presumed attack
Stonewalling – refusing to listen to your partner, especially
his/her complaints
Belligerence – being provocative and challenging your partner’s
power and authority
First 4 interactions tend to happen sequentially, showing an
escalation in negativity

67. Love: The Many Faces
Chapter 5

69. Assumptions about love pushed by pop culture:
Love at first sight
One true love
Love is blind
Love conquers all

71. According to an online survey conducted by Beliefnet, 61% of
women and 50% of men believe there is one perfect soul mate
out there for everyone
“Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of a
soul mate” (Pittman)
When one thinks that there is a perfect match out there, we
always have our eyes open for a better deal or something on the
side
Can cause us to avoid the decision to commit or commit only
partly to our partner, not giving up the right to keep looking
Romantic love – an emotionally intense, passionate love in
which a person believes in love at first sight, that there is only
one true love and love conquers all.
Companionate love – emphasizes intimacy with, affection for,
and commitment to another person
Between 6 months and 2.5 years romantic love starts to shift to
companionate love

73. Theories of Love
Biochemical Theory: “Love is a Natural High”
Argues that love results from our biological, chemical, and
hormonal origins
Being newly in love releases chemicals that act as stimulants to
our brains, and is why we feel tremendous exhilaration and
energy
These feelings of euphoria resulting from chemicals do not last
– tolerance builds up, and more chemicals are needed to achieve
the same effect
This is why many people jump from relationship to relationship
Research has also shown that women can tell which men might
be interested in becoming fathers just by looking at their faces
and figuring out which of them have the highest testosterone
levels
Other research shows that men are more attracted to women
when females are at the height of fertility, & when they’re
ovulating.
Not true for men in long-term relationships
Critics say that this theory isn’t enough to produce feelings of
love, and a sociological-psychological component is necessary

75. Attachment Theory: “Closeness is a Survival Need”
Posits that our primary motivation in life is to feel connected
with other people – because it is the only security to ever have.
Maintaining closeness is a survival need.
3 types of attachment, shown in babies and also in adults:
Secure – don’t avoid feeling dependent or being depended on
Relationships last about 10 years
Avoidant – uneasy being close to others
Relationships last about 6 years
Anxious/Ambivalent – anxious that partners don’t love them, or
that they won’t stay
Relationships last about 5 years

77. Wheel Theory: “The 4 Stages of Love”
Suggests that love develops and is maintained through 4 stages
Rapport – feeling at ease with another person
Enhanced by similarities in social, cultural, and educational
background & upbringing
Self-Revelation – disclosure of personal feelings; talking about
hopes, fears, and ambitions
Mutual Dependency – sharing of pleasures, ideas, humor, and
sexual desiress
Intimacy Need Fulfillment – individual and partner make mutual
decisions, reinforce each other’s goals, offer sympathy and
support, and help each other satisfy deeper needs
Relationship has developed into a consistent pattern of mutual
dependence and exchange of needs
As long as the wheel rolls forward, love continues to develop

79. Triangular Theory: Toward Consummate Love
Emphasizes 3 elements of love that interact with each other:
Intimacy – feelings that create the experience of warmth and
bonding in a loving relationship
Passion – romance, physical attraction, and sexuality
Decision/Commitment – decision is to love, commitment is to
love that person over time
Can be seen on a continuum, with non-love at one end and
consummate love at the other end. Consummate love – when the
intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment between two
people is the same.

81. Styles of Love: Lee’s 6 Kinds of Relationships
Love of beauty & the physical (eros) – characterized by intense
emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings
Obsessive love (mania) – consists of strong sexual attraction
and emotional intensity, extreme jealousy, and mood swings
alternating between ecstasy and despair
Playful love (ludus) – casual & carefree. Sees sex as recreation,
the enjoyment of many sexual partners rather than concentrating
on one serious relationship
Companionate love (storge) – affectionate, peaceful, and
companionate. Starts with friendship and develops into love.
Altruistic love (agape) – unselfish and self-sacrificing.

82. Describes those who fulfill others’ needs even at the expense of
their own.
Practical love (pragma) – Makes a rational assessment of a
potential partner’s positives and negatives

83. Jealousy
Characteristics of Jealousy:
Men are jealous about sex, women about intimacy
Men and women generally have different reactions
Men more apt to express their anger, maybe by reacting
violently; women are more apt to suppress anger and be
depressed, and more likely to damage property
Securely attached men are more likely to report experiencing

84. the idea of emotional infidelity as distressing, as compared to
men whose attachment style is avoidant
Jealous people are more likely to be insecure
Relationships of short duration (less than a year) are more
vulnerable to jealousy than those of long duration

85. Qualities to consider about yourself
Gordon mentions qualities one should consider about him or
herself to determine whether or not they are a good candidate
for love:
Energy
Meaning – finding meaning in every day situations

86. Self-esteem – appreciate your own worth
No ghosts – don’t allow ghosts of the past to haunt you
Kindness – kind to everyone, not just partner
All these qualities can be summed up in the idea of maturity.

87. Immature vs. Mature Love
Immature love – passionate or romantic love
Mature love – resembles companionate love
Immature love:
Persistent thinking – “can’t get you out of my mind”
Passionate feeling – “can’t live without you”

88. Passionate behavior – “I would do anything for you”
Mature love: Is your partner…
Trustworthy & stable
Caring & Kind
Someone you actually like?

89. Involvement: Dating, Pairing, & Courtship
Chapter 4
Meeting & Mating

90. A great deal of popular interest in dating, and seems to be quite
a bit of frustration with the challenge of finding a suitable
partner
Whitehead: “We are in the middle of a massive transition…a
contemporary crisis in dating and mating.”
Historically, becoming involved with another person was
understood in the context of courtship
Today, rules about dating are uncertain and confused.
“We’ve lost the ability to slow down the process of becoming
intimate and choosing a partner”
Some changes:
Assertive females
Workplace romances
Speed dating/online meeting
Closed Courtship: Arranged Marriages
Arranged marriage – partners were determined not by the bride
and groom, but by their families
Blind Marriage: neither partner saw each other until the
wedding day
Bride price & Dowry:
Bride price – man must pay money or property to the future
bride’s family for the right to marry her
Dowry – the money, property, or good a woman brings to the
marriage
Elopement
Forced Marriage – one or both coerced to marry under either
physical or emotional pressure
Open Courtship: Relationship Marketplace
In North America, and most Western nations, we have an open
courtship system – most of us generally make our own decisions

91. about choosing our partners.
Relationship market – (aka marriage market) Prospective
partners compare the personal, social, and financial resources of
eligible mates, then bargain for the best they can get
Fits with the social exchange perspective
People looking for a traditional partnership: typically men offer
financial security & status, women offer domestic skills
People looking for an egalitarian partnership: men & women
might play up similar assets
Functions of Dating
Recreation – is [ideally] fun
Companionship – way of maintaining a friendship and avoiding
isolation
Intimacy & Sex
Mate Selection
Socialization – helps socialize us to get along with the opposite
sex
Status Achievement – shows others that he/she is more
acceptable/desirable/grown up
Dating as a Filter
Some scholars believe that dating is a process of filtering out
possible partners for the purpose of achieving homogamy –
marriage between partners of similar education and social class,
ethnicity, race, religion and age
3 Filters:
Propinquity: may filter people based on their nearness to you in
place and time
Endogamy: cultural expectation that a person marries within
his/her social group in terms of race, religion and class
Exogamy: marrying outside family group (incest taboo)

92. Factors Affecting Eligibility & Availability
Race – Interracial dating has become more and more accepted
As of 2010, 93% of “Millenials” surveyed approve of interracial
marriages
Age – particularly the case for women
“Marriage squeeze” – one sex has a more limited pool of
eligible marriage candidates than the other
Since women tend to marry men that are somewhat older, there
are more available women than men
Imbalance increases as people age, with many fewer unmarried
men over 65. When you add together never-married, divorced,
and widowed men, unmarried women outnumber them by the
age of 35
Social class – people tend to date/marry within their own class
Religion – most people marry other with similar values; higher
divorce rate for couple with different religions
Relationships & Personal Growth
Ruvolo & Brennan: One longitudinal study of 301 dating
couples found that dating can contribute to personal growth
Researchers believe that the more the partner loves an
individual, the more growth the individual will subsequently
experience
The supportive assistance individuals received from their dating
partners and the love the partners reported for them predict the
growth that the individuals later experienced
Finding People
Open Fields (interaction unlikely): Settings where people do not
normally interact, so potential partners aren’t likely to meet
Malls

93. Airports
Large universities
Closed fields (interaction likely): settings where people are
likely to interact, so potential partners may meet
Parties
Church groups
Small workplace settings
Meeting People
Personal Introductions
Classified Ads: 2 main characteristics:
1. women as sex objects – describe themselves in terms of
appearance and attractiveness
2. men as success objects – describe themselves in terms of
intelligence and career success
Meeting Online
Dating websites
Social networking websites
Advantages: exposed to a wide variety of potential; time and
energy investment relatively minimal
Disadvantages: can’t observe nonverbal communication; people
exaggerate. Women subtract years and pounds, men add inches
to height and dollars to income
Introduction Services
Variations in Dating
Traditional Courtship: Dating to Engagement
Research shows that a lot of dating as a teenager may develop
social skills, but doesn’t teach deeper skills like effective
communication and solving conflicts
On-Campus Dating: “Hanging out”, “hooking up”, and “joined
at the hip”
Long-Distance Dating

94. About 1/3 of couples break up within 3 months of moving to the
same town, possibly because of the loss of autonomy each once
had
Dating in the Workplace
Second-Time Around Dating
4 Ways of Reacting to a Deteriorating Relationship
The Neglect Response – when a person doesn’t want to deal
with problems
Is a destructive reaction that tends to occur when a person isn’t
very invested in the relationship
The Exit Response – where one partner withdraws or threatens
to withdraw from the relationship.
Often a choice of people who are minimally invested and think
there are other options
The Loyalty Response – choosing to stay despite problems, but
making no attempt to resolve them, hoping they smooth out over
time
Often favored by people who have been together for a long
time, and often more the choice of females rather than males
The Voice Response – relationship is valued and partners want
to discuss problems. Shows a willingness to change things about
the relationship
Often pursued by females; is an active, constructive response
Gender
Chapter 3

95. Gender Stereotypes in Pop Culture & Media
People are projected to spend nearly half their lives somehow
engaged with the media.
FILM: Although 42% of the women in the US are 40+ years old,
78% of the actresses in Hollywood are 39 or younger (as of
2001).
Women play only 34% of the roles, and earn 1/3 less than men
in comparable industry jobs
TV: Women represent only 36% of all prime-time characters;
less than 10% of sports news cover female athletes; in music

96. videos, women often shown as sex objects while men show
aggression
NEWSPAPERS: In a survey of 20 papers, women appeared in
only 13% of front page stories.
During political campaigns, women are typically described in
terms of dress, hair color, and family data
COMICS: Women in comic strips spend more time in gender-
stereotypical activities like domestic chores & child-rearing,
and men are depicted doing more leisurely activities

97. terms
Sex – biological characteristics individuals are born with that
determine whether they are male or female
Gender – socially learned attitudes and behaviors associated
with being male or female
Role – behavior expected of someone who holds a particular
status
Gender role – behavior expected of a male or female in a
particular culture
Sex role – behavior defined by biological constraints; i.e., only
women can give birth, only men can donate sperm

98. Why do gender roles differ?
In 37 different societies globally, it has been found that:
1. Heterosexual males everywhere seem to be drawn to
physically attractive young women
2. Heterosexual women have been found to be drawn to men
with economic ambitions
4 theories exploring gender differences: (1) sociobiology, (2)
social learning, (3) cognitive development, and (4) gender
schema

99. sociobiology
This perspective argues that our social behavior, and gender
behavior, result from biological differences
Men have more testosterone, women have more estrogen and
progesterone
These theorists say that men seek mates who are more likely to
be fertile, and women seek mates that are more likely to
guarantee the security of their offspring

100. social learning theory
This perspective argues that we learn attitudes and behaviors
through our interaction with the environment
Learning occurs in 2 ways: reinforcement and modeling
Learning by Reinforcement – desirable behavior is rewarded,
and undesirable behavior is punished
Learning by Modeling – learning through imitation of others
(i.e., the same-sex characteristics of our parents).

101. cognitive development theory
Theory proposes that how children think, understand, and
reason changes as they grow older, the result of biological
maturation and increasing social experience
Piaget & Kohlberg: both showed that children of different
developmental stages handle gender identity differently
2 y/o’s – don’t see gender as permanent; decide who was who
based on changeable attributes like hair length and clothing
5 y/o’s – would have developed a sense of gender identity and
probably identified yourself as wanting to do girl things or boy
things because it was comfortable
6 & 7 y/o’s – begin to understand gender as being permanent

102. gender schema theory
Theory suggests that, as children, we develop a framework of
knowledge (a gender schema) about what we think males and
females typically do, and we then use that framework to
interpret new information about gender
A schema consists of mental categories for organizing our
perceptions of cultural stimuli
When boys realize that cultural expectations of being male
include independence, aggression, and courage, they include
those views into their gender schema. Girls do the same when
they learn that being female means being affectionate,
understanding and nurturing.
Once schemas are developed, they influence how information
about gender is processed, so we’re likely to associate

103. particular activities with girls or boys.
how do parents influence gender socialization?
Fathers:
Tend to spend more time with sons than with daughters
Set higher standards of accomplishment for their sons than they

104. do for their daughters
More aggressive in play and more goal-directed with sons
With daughters, they tend to stress emotions and feelings in
their relationships
Children raised fatherless tend to have the same characteristics
as children raised in permissive families
Mothers:
Tend to express affection and give verbal praise to daughters
and sons equally
Like fathers, also tend to stress emotions & feelings in their
relationships with daughters

105. 4 ways parents socialize their children
Using different physical and verbal manipulations: Parents may
handle boys a little more roughly, or say things like “such a
strong boy”
Direct attention towards certain stereotypical gender-identified
objects: Encourage daughters to play with dolls, boys to play
with action figures
Boys’ toys tend to encourage physical activity, girls’ toys
emphasize physical closeness and mother-child talk
Apply different verbal descriptions to the same behavior:
Women are “pushy” or “bitchy” while men are “aggressive”
Encourage or discourage certain stereotypical gender-identified
activities: Girls are usually encouraged to indoor domestic
chores, and boys are encouraged to do outdoor chores

106. how peers influence us
Among children, play is often divided by gender, with peers
using approval or disapproval to influence our choices of toys,
games, food, music, TV programs, etc.
Children actively socialize one another to conform to certain
styles of interaction with members of their own sex
Girls tend to emphasize physical attractiveness, boys tend to
emphasize toughness

107. how education influences us
How teachers influence boys:
Boys tend to get more attention from teachers than girls do
Boys are more likely to be called on in class, given more time
to talk, and receive more praise but are also disciplined more
harshly
Boys tend to talk louder and are more demanding
How teachers influence girls:
Girls do better than boys academically through elementary
school, but by middle school boys have caught up and surpass
girls in subjects like science, math and reading (slightly
questionable)
Girls are not only less likely to be called on than boys but also,
if their answers are incorrect, not to be helped to discover the
error and correct it
Girls more likely to be praised for their appearance and for
being neat in their work

108. drawbacks of traditional gender roles
Men:
Personal self-worth often tied to job position and income
Men who fall short can experience depression, anxiety or mental
illness
Job-related stress
Less time for family life
Limited emotional expression, resulting in loneliness and fear
of intimacy
Limitations on child custody if/when divorced
Women:

109. Reduced income and career fulfillment
Dependence on the spouse, which can result in unhappiness
The “Beauty Problem”
Less personal self-worth
Tend to have lower self-esteem, less social self-confidence, and
diminished belief in their own intelligence
the women’s movement

110. Feminism – belief that women should have the same economic,
social, and political rights as men have
Types of feminism:
Liberal feminism – aka “equal rights feminism”; assumes that
the cause of women’s inequality is learned customs of gender
inequality
Socialist feminism – argues that the sexual division of labor and
gender inequality are an expression of class conflict. Wants
government support for parental leave and child care.
Radical feminism – considers male oppression to be the cause of
inequality, and sometimes advocates separatist roles for women
from the existing system.
Key emphasis is physical and psychological violence, as
perpetrated by male-dominated institutions against women
Lesbian feminism – focuses on the dominance of
heterosexuality
Conservative feminism – promotes a return to traditional roles

111. the men’s movement
Profeminists – agree with feminist women that patriarchy
benefits white heterosexual males but also obliges all men,
including minorities and gays, to follow rigid gender roles
Antifeminists – believe that male dominance is natural and
therefore women’s attempts to gain equality should be resisted
Masculinists – agree that the patriarchal system causes
oppression and isolation, but are more concerned with men’s
attempts to achieve self-realization and self-expression

112. Understanding: Learning About Intimate Behavior
Chapter 2
Does advertising lead to throw-away marriages?
Kilbourne (1999) argues that our market-driven culture locks
people into adolescent fantasies of sex and relationships
Connection between the constant images of instant sexual

113. gratification and passion and the increasing burden on marriage
and long-term lovers
Important to understand how much advertising exploits our
desire for intimate and committed relationships
“We are surrounded by thousands of messages every day that
link our deepest emotions to products, that objectify people and
trivialize our most heartfelt moments and relationships. Every
emotion is used to sell us something.”
Pop Culture & Media
By the time we’re grown, our minds have become set in patterns
of thinking that affect how we respond to new ideas
Mindsets are the result of our personal experiences and social
environments we grew up in
We see and hear what we subconsciously want to, and pay little
attention to facts or observations that have already been rejected
as unimportant
To combat this, we utilize critical thinking – clear, skeptical,
active thinking. Involves actively seeking to understand,
analyze, and evaluate information to solve problems.
Involves constantly questioning everything
Critical Thinking

114. Macro vs. Micro-level Orientations
Macro-level: focuses on large-scale patterns of society
Top-down approach
Micro-level: focuses on small-scale patterns of society,
concentrating on individual interactions in specific settings
Bottom-up approach
Theoretical Perspectives on the Family
Views the family as a social institution that performs essential
functions for society to ensure its stability
Society is viewed as being made up of institutions – family,
school, workplace, etc. – that enable the larger society to
function and have stability
Looks not only at the functions family provides for society, but
also at the functions family provides for its members and that
its members provide for it
Manifest vs. latent functions
Parsons claimed that families function best when
husbands/fathers carry out instrumental roles and wives/mothers
carry out expressive roles
Structural-Functional Theory

115. 3 Primary Functions of Family:
Ensures that society has an ongoing supply of new members and
is a source of socialization
Socialization – process by which offspring learn attitudes,
beliefs, and values appropriate to their society & culture so they
can function effectively in society
Provides economic support for family members
Provide emotional support for family members
Views individuals and groups as being basically in conflict with
each other for power and scarce resources
Considers competition and struggle within the family and
among groups in society at large to be natural and desirable
Argues that differences appear for 2 reasons:
1. Conflict over power: many relationships consist of power
struggles – over chores, child care, vacation time, etc.
2. Conflict over resources: most households never have enough
time, money, or possessions, so conflict ensues
Conflict Theory

116. Focuses on internal family interactions, the ongoing action and
the response of family members to each other
Family isn’t considered to be a generic structure; rather, is the
creation of its family members as they spontaneously interact
with each other
A family takes on a reality of its own based on the interchanges
of its members
Interactions are conducted via symbols – gestures or words that
we interpret or define as we observe them in other people.
Symbolic Interaction Theory
Family members make up a system of interconnected parts of a
whole, and that changes in one part change the other parts
Family is always striving to maintain equilibrium – a change in
one part makes the family try to make adjustments that will help
it go back to the way it was before
Issues cannot be addressed in isolation – everything is
interrelated and connected
Family Systems Theory

117. People’s interactions represent the efforts of each person to
maximize his or her benefits and minimize costs
If a relationships costs you more than it rewards you, you’re
probably not going to continue it
Benefits: wealth, security, affection, status, youth, etc.
Costs: Absence of these things
Social Exchange Theory
Argues that inequality in women’s roles is the result of male
dominance in the family and in society
2 ideas of inequality and oppression
Believe that marriage makes men much happier, but makes
women more miserable
3 main points:
1. Emphasis on inequality – argues that spouses should be equal
partners
2. No one kind of family – pushed for an expanded definition of
the family
3. Reduction in harassment and violence – society needs to
work to eliminate sexual harassment, domestic violence, and
child abuse

118. Feminist Theory
Proposes that family members accomplish developmental tasks
as they move through stages in the family life cycle
Member’s roles and relationships change, largely depending on
how they have to adapt to the absence or presence of child-
rearing responsibilities
Eight stages:
1. married couple
2. child-bearing family
3. family with preschoolers
4. family with school children
5. family with adolescents
6. family as launching center – oldest child “launched” into
adulthood
7. middle-age family – empty nest
8. aging family – retirement to death
Family Development Theory
Survey research – uses questionnaires or interviews to collect

119. data from sample groups, to then generalize to larger groups
Clinical research – in-depth examination of individuals or
groups in counseling
Observational research – participant vs. nonparticipant
observation
Experimental research – try to isolate a single factor or
behavior under controlled conditions to determine its effect
Research
SEEKING: Finding Happiness in a Complex World
Chapter 1

120. Seeking Happiness Through Love & Intimacy
One factor that matters most in happiness is marriage
Married people are happiest
Once people marry, their well-being improves
Men vs. women
Happy couples build 5 areas of their relationships into solid
strengths:
Good communication
Flexibility
Emotionally close
Compatible personalities
Agree on how to handle conflict
Basic Concepts of Marriage & Family
Marriage – a socially approved mating relationship
3 types:
Monogamy
Polyandry
Polygyny

121. From the standpoint of society, having children is probably the
main reason for marriage – to provide a stable framework for
the bearing, nurturing, socializing, rearing, and protection of
children
Family – a unit of two or more people, related by blood,
marriage, or adoption who live together.
Household – a group of people living together
Nuclear family – mother, father, and children living in one
household
Family of origin
Family of procreation
Extended family – includes nuclear family and others (uncles,
aunts, cousins, etc.)
Kin
Affiliated kin
Families in the Modern Era

122. Previously, marriages were based on patriarchal authority,
sexual repression, and hierarchical organization.
In the 1900’s, sexual attraction and compatibility started to
become the basis for middle-class marriage and family
relationships.
Companionate marriage – the marriage is supposed to provide
romance, emotional growth, and sexual fulfillment.
Wives no longer supposed to show sexual restraint
Spouses share decisions and tasks equally
Adolescent children allowed greater freedom from parental
supervision
Families Today
6 Significant Trends:
People are living longer and marrying later
Women are having fewer children, and waiting longer to have
them
More people are living alone or in unmarried relationships
More families are single-parent families
More 2-parent families feature both parents working
There are more divorces, remarriages, and blended families

123. 5 Factors Influencing Intimacy, Marriage, & Family Life
The Industrial Revolution: caused families to shift from
familism to individualism
Before the Industrial Revolution, the traditional family was
above all, and economic unit
Family decision making followed the philosophy of familism –
when decisions are made, family collective patterns take
priority over individual concerns
As the US became industrialized, families lost self-sufficiency;
both parents became obliged to work, causing children to have
less supervision.
Eventually, family decisions switched to the philosophy of
individualism – individual concerns take priority over family
collective concerns
Technological Change:
Invention of computers led to the internet, which led to social-
networking websites and media-sharing websites
Discoveries in biology are being used to treat fertility problems
Technology can have good & bad effects on relationships; i.e.,
air travel can take people away from their families for work, but
keep them connected through Skype, cell phones, email, etc.
Globalization:
Globalization is the trend of the world economy toward
becoming a more interdependent system
Can lead to a reduction in good-paying, low-skill manufacturing

124. jobs in the US
Because the stability and happiness of relationships & families
depends so much on good-paying jobs, globalization has meant
difficulty for some families
Mass Media & Pop Culture:
Some wonder if simple boredom could be to blame for
communication breakdowns in couples?
One study of 123 married couples found that those who reported
boredom at year 7 of their marriages were less likely to be
satisfied with their marriages at year 16
Mass media and pop culture very much influence roles, beliefs
and values in our lives
Role – pattern of behavior expected of a person who occupies a
social position within a certain group or culture
Role conflict
Beliefs – definition and explanations people have about what is
true
Values – deeply held beliefs and attitudes about what is
right/wrong, desirable/undesirable

125. The Great Recession of 2007 – 2009:
More multigenerational families are living together
More grandparents raising children
More young adults have moved back home
Fewer babies were born
Fewer people got married